Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Under the Blankets With Hugo and Evo

1. ORA "By the way, why are we wearing bras on our heads?" "Ceremonial."

2. "Who's booger is this?"

3. "We are... two wild and crazy guys!"

4. I always find it pathetic and disturbing when a couple feels the need to dress alike.

5. Evo Morales announces that he's nationalized Little Rabbit Foo-Foo

6. Voted "Picture Not of a Hot Chick Most Likely to Be Included in the Next CapThis Banner."

7. Using a microphone and interpretive hand gestures, Evo acts out the previous evening's excursion to the bath house.

8. Wow, I don't remember Bob and Doug MacKenzie ever appearing on the Love Boat.

9. "Hey, Prince Albert... Make with the Global Warming already. Our tits are feezing off!"

10. "You f**ktard! I was supposed to be Kyle, you were supposed to be Stan!"

Best of Silhouette
I hereby call to order this meeting of the Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes.

"Doncha hate it when you put off laundry day too long? You end up wearing your bathrobe, a man purse, and a ski hat to work."

Best of jeff
Deleted scenes from "Mulan - The Next Generation."

"Everybody Wang Chung Tonight!"

Best of David Simon
In this undated photo, Evo and Hugo convalesce after their lobotomies.

"I've drilled him so many times, his butthole is this big."

Best of Van Helsing
Chavez demonstrates how much tighter Morales is than Jimmy Carter.

Whatever they keep in the pouches, they must have smoked a lot of it before they decided on their outfits.

Best of Submariner
"Ich habe den Befehl gegeben – und ich lasse jeden füsilieren, der auch nur ein Wort der Kritik äußert – daß das Kriegsziel nicht im Erreichen von bestimmten Linien, sondern in der physischen Vernichtung des Gegners besteht."

Evo caves to Hugo's superior Diva-ness on VH1's DIVA Live 2006...

ORA: Thank you Spanky; I call this meeting of the He-Man Woman Haters Club to order...

I think the look on Evo's face tells us where he was when his laxative kicked in...

Best of prince of leaves
"The American President and his Plutocratic clique have mocked us as the Have-nots -- that is true, but the Have-nots will see to it that they are not robbed of the little they have. I have therefore instructed the Reichstag to-- Hey, hold on a second...this is the wrong speech!"

Best of What, me worry?
It seems that every country has a holiday to celebrate when they kicked France’s ass.

The Itsy Bitsy Spider routine got old, quick.

Best of Occasional Reader
"I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS BITCH WORE THE SAME OUTFIT I DID!" bellowed Hugo, in an inauspicious start to the Axis of Evil Jr. Conference. Both he and Evo each then grabbed the conveniently-placed rainbow-colored brass knuckles, and beat the snot out of each other.

Best of Slap Shot
America is trying to make us look silly!

Hat tip: The Other AM
From: I don't know, Yahoo or some place

In Rod We Trust

1. "L'chaim!"

2. The two surviving members of The Village People "Pack 'em in" at a charity concert in Golden Gate Park.

3. "Dang, Sullivan, How many of these things do you have stuffed up there?"

4. Iran unveils its first enriched plutonium penile implants.

5. "Now, who would send us two metal pipes? What's the name on the return address? Ted Kas..." KA-BOOM!

6. Iran unveils "the latest in atomic powered feminine protection."

7. "Dammit, Padawan, I told you to put fresh Duracells in the light sabers."

8. This year, Perfect Stranger-con's Balki look-alike contest ended in a tie.

9. You know you've done too much acid when you try to give a suppository to a painted-on dove.

10. "I don't know why the American's like Dove bars so much. They do nothing for me."

Best of Cybrludite
You know, Abdul, there has got to be a better way of getting the two sub-critical masses of weapons grade uranium together to detonate this thing...

Super obssessed fans reinact the naming of the classic late-70s rock group "Steely Dan".

Best of Rodney Dill
"At last the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator."

Best of Divine Miss M
Just don't cross the streams. That would be bad.

(Singing) This is the dawning of the age of intifada.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
It can be a bitch when a giant dove flys out of nowhere to steal your enriched uranium.

"Wonder-prick powers, ACTIVATE!" "Form of: a Kwik-E-Mart cashier!" "Shape of: a pungent taxi-cab driver!"

Best of The Man
I see your Uranianium Tube is as big as mine.

Andrew Sullivan Google Search: "Iranian Men with big rods"

Best of Silhouette
Behold! Our new roll-on deoderant. We are sure.

Behold! We have both been allowed control of the remote.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"Say, Ibrahaim? You ever get that 'not so fresh' feeling?"

Best of prince of leaves
At the end of the atomic karaoke extravaganza, Ahmadinejad announced that he was unilaterally renaming element #92 "Iranium" in honor of his nationalistic nuclear megalomania.

"How ironic -- just last night I was watching movie called Silkwood on secret digital satellite dish..."

Best of Submariner
Aaaargh, to our first, smelly, 50¢ piece!

Promo poster for Ang Lee's new remake of "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest"

Best of What, me worry?
Abdrool and Awktooey celebrate the opening of their third 7/11.

In toasting the Grand Ayatollah, the two Iranian twinks couldn’t decide if he was marvelous or simply divine.

Brokeback Mujahideen: “I wish I knew how to saw your infidel head off”.

Credit: Ass Press/Mehrs Service
Tipped by: Brenda

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Never Never Never Land

1. Al Gore's new sidekick, "Global Warming Elf."

2. The card read simply, "Happy Birthday Barney! --- Kisses, Andrew"

3. Famous last words, "Oh, this is a biker convention? I thought it was a renaissance faire."

4. More scandalous photos of Patrick Kennedy's party days emerged today...

5. Everybody is too sexy for that particular shirt.

6. "Nice try, but the maximum age for a sleepover at the Neverland ranch is 13. So, beat it."

7. Gene Roddenberry's original concept for the Romulans was deemed "insufficiently menacing."

Best of andthenblammo!
"Maude, he's back. Call up Chemlawn and cancel the damn fertilizer service. Then fetch me my shotgun."

Just your typical lawn gnome....on Fire Island.

"Fie on thee, oh nefarious Sheriff of Nottingham! Do thy worst, it will ne'er faze my band of merry men! And what, pray tell, is this 'cavity search' thou speakest of?"

"Hi, Mr. Butkis, I'm here to take your daughter to the prom!"

"Governor McGreevey, we appreciate your input, we truly do; but we had another idea for the cover picture of your new book. Although 'Prince of Passiac, Queen of Hoboken' could work as the title....

Best of Zeke
With drug induced memories of his summer camp at the neverland Ranch, Billy grows into a life of crime and prostitution most notable only for his ability to sing while deepthroating.

Best of attmay
He got together with the TRON suit guy and together they were banned from Disneyland forever.

Best of Submariner
Is it just me or does Shelley Duvall looks like she's been working out?

Andrew Sullivan works on his memoirs; working title "Rapier Wit, Gay Blade (or so I thought)"

Johnny Weir's boyfriend, Robin. (He wears the tights in the family...)

Best of Silhouette
Hmmm, what's a synonym for merry?

"I don't know, Maude. All I can get from him is that he's a dentist and he wants to be in-de-pen-dant."

Tomorrow...would be a new day. He was going to turn over a new leaf, change everything about himself, and become everything that was manly." - page 43, Biography of Jack Bauer

Best of Divine Miss M
It looked soooo much better during Katarina Witt's 1994 Olympic short program than it does on Johnny Weir.

Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dumdum bush in the shade of the magic glade down in Dingly Dell.

Best of prince of leaves
"Ooo, haven't seen my dignity, by chance, have you?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Mr.Burns: "Release the hounds."

"I must have misread the flower seed box... I had no idea I was planting Peter Pansies!"

Sometimes, V goes into the "negative masculinity" realm with his photos just so Thursday's hot chick looks hotter.

Well, first ya got yer men who like yer wymenfolk... then ya got some of yer men who like yer wymenfolk AND yer menfolk... Then, of course, we got Chris here...

To quell the massive border incursions, the Minutemen deploy their newest weapon: Mericon Verde.

Sad. I used to dig Emo Phillips.

"Welcome, frat brother, to your new home at Alpha Mega Homo!"

From H'yar on a tip from Timmeh!

Welcome Back, Endless Source of Material

1. "Goodbye. Me am Bizarro Michael Jackson. Me find adult women sexually appealing. Sane Sister LaToya agrees neither. Hello."

2. "Fools! I wanted him in a pirate suit, not a Phantom of the Opera Mask!"

3. Even Boyfinger's most die-hard fans began to get a little creeped out after the fourth time he serenaded the child with "The Greatest Love Of All."

4. "I warned you I'd throw acid in your face if you so much as looked at another boy, biyatch!"

5. "Pssst, Raoul. I got a hot one here. Go put some Jesus Juice in a sippy cup."

6. There's something so Twilight Zone about a hideously disfigured man who makes everyone around him wear a mask.

7. "I had to sell the Neverland Ranch. For some reason, once it turned fifteen years old I just lost interest in it."

8. Zombie Jackie O. rises from the grave to feed upon the brains of the living.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Nice try, but you've got to drink some Jesus Juice with me to turn white, kid."

Best of sonicfrog
Revealed at last!!! Michael Jackson carries the mutant Kuato. That explains the secrecy, the bizarre behavior, and the children-in-the-bedroom privacy. Kuato needs friends too!!!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Hey V, how 'bout posting something less offensive... Like that gorilla f*cking that dude in the *ss.

Best of jeff
Kwan looks on in sadness at his new replacement. The Jesus Juice bar had come to an end for him.

Best of David Simon
"When did you cut the eyes out of the blindfold I gave you?! Just remember, if anyone asks if you saw me sodomizing your brother, the answer is no."

"It was humiliating. They wanted photographs of my peepee, so I had to take it out and show it to this."

Best of Submariner
Oh, this? It's only a cold sore. You trust daddy, don't you?

Best of prince of leaves
[hissing] "He's mine, LaTourneau! MINE!!!"

Source: Ass Press/Shuji Kajiyama
Hat Tip: Divine Miss M

Monday, May 29, 2006

Nice Catholic Girls and Their Stripper

1. In the stripper biz, this move is known as "Rosie O'Donnell's box lunch."

2. "Wow, this chick is even heavier than Barney Frank."

3. Look at the expression on her face. Somehow, I think she'd rather be "interning" for Hillary.

4. VirtuCon quality control weeds out the fembots that are incapable of crushing a man to death in their thighs.

5. Unfortunately, not everything that happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. The scorching case of herpes Belinda is about to get, for example.

6. "No, you cain't uh-rest heem. Ah luv heem."

7. "Sorry Ma'am, but I forgot my shirt and my sunscreen, and I need somethin' to protect my body from harmful UV rays."

8. "Hi kids! Guess what? Mommy's getting us free cable!"

9. Belinda knew no one would ever believe she had just leapt from a burning building and happened to land on a fireman who was getting ready to change into HAZMAT gear.

10. "Giddy-Up, Hoss. Let's sidle over to Sully's KY Corral, then drop by the old Pumpkin Shirt Saloon, and then round out our evening at Miss Smelly's Pirate Brothel."

Best of nevergrewup
Gotta Go, Gotta Go, Gotta Go.

Best of laurie2k
"Now he's removing my spleen..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Helen, can you relax your thighs a bit? We're getting a mean feedback echo every time Thor says something!"

Shouldn't he be wearing the goggles for this particular spelunking adventure?

It was no wonder Dr.David was the most popular gynecologist.

He placed himself betwix'd her thighs,
And noticed not her concerned eyes.
Attempting to rouse her with his head,
He discovered her "little friend" instead.

It's amazing that one tiny queef could bring an entire party to an abrupt halt.

Best of jbinnout
Belinda suddenly realises why the strippers business card says. "Son of Gene Simmons"

Belinda suddenly regrets having bean burros at the rehearsal dinner.

Best of David Simon
"Whoa. If this is hazing, I want to be reincarnated as a Catholic school girl." - Andrew Sullivan.(Of course, he's always wanted to be reincarnated as a Catholic schoolgirl - V)

Summer's Eve's provocative new ad campaign offended many, but nonetheless got its point across.

The bakery was closed, but quick-thinking Muffy made sure that the pledge still got a pie in the face.

Best of Anonymous
"Hey Ward, have you seen the Beaver today?"

Best of Dave
"Hey Leroy, remember a few days ago when I got that alien face-grabber stuck to my head?"

Best of prince of leaves
The infamous Helen Thomas and Jeff Gannon scene from White House Correspondents Gone Wild III.

"Why is it only now I find out I'm marrying the wrong guy?!?!?"

The Avon focus group had to be suspended when the demonstration of the new steak-and-beer scented feminine deodorant spray got a little out of hand.

Best of Submariner
I told him my name was "Cake" and that he should eat a piece and pass me around...

Although dad and granmpa also gave more traditional "horsey rides," Misty had always liked the ones from Uncle Ted best...

"The Hell Beast is above us and I can smell his evil slut!"

Best of What, me worry?
Bob’s irrepressible compulsion to sniff menstrual flow caused quite a ruckus at the family reunion.

Although the results of her pap smear were positive, Julie nonetheless felt unnerved by the singing telegram from her gynecologist.

Bob, a mentally unstable cheese-curd aficionado, went absolutely ape when hearing of Joan’s yeast infection.

Best of andthenblammo!
"Dad, this 'who's my little girl' thing is a little weird now that I'm in college. Anyway, congratulations on the new job at Chippendale's!"

Best of Cybrludite
The real reason for her expression? He's "endowed" enough to be "knocking on her back door" in this picture.

You may have seen this on

Friday, May 26, 2006

Another Scary-Ass Prom Pic

1. "It took a team of four white boys to get my hair this color."

2. "I love these matching prom outfits. Hey, didn't we used to have curtains?"

3. "Kfume, I'm saying you just ought to bring a tuxedo, just in case the Avalon Manor has a problem with silk embroidered parachute pants."

4. "Hi, I'm Eddie Murphy. Need a ride?"

5. "Baby, I'm hoping that 'nothin' but net' prom dress means I get unlimited lay-ups and... damn, this metaphor is going no where. Just let me bang you, okay?"

6. "Listen, don't let it spoil our prom or nothin', but my daddy just blew off the top of his head with a shotgun."

7. "Baby, you'll make twice as much in that outfit, easy. Would Mack Daddy lie to you?"

8. "Of course I'm wearing panties. I gotta keep my ankles warm."

Prom Season Ahoy

1. "Pregnant? No way, I just ate that fat kid from McDonald's under the table."

2. The main reason Curtiss doesn't mind putting his life on the line for Jack Bauer... this is Mrs. Manning.

3. "Hey, Leroy, remember a few days ago when I got that alien face-grabber stuck to my head?"

4. The hazards of holding in your farts so as not to offend your prom date are illustrated here.

5. "Sex Education" is one of those classes where you really don't want to do the extra credit assignments.

6. "Who needs Lamaze, baby? Ain't it obvious I already know how to say 'Push, Push?'"

7. "No momma, it wasn't 'that Leroy' it was... um... the Duke Lacrosse Team. Yeah, that's it. Let's sue their white asses."

8. William Jefferson tries to win support from Barney Frank.

9. "Michael Jackson has already called dibs if it's a boy."

10. "I'm gonna name the baby 'Spawn of Satan' if it's a boy, and 'Hillary' if it's a girl."

This has apparently been shooting 'round the "internets" for some time, but I first saw it at Discarded Lies.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

CapThis: Your Premier Site for High School Cross-Dressing

1. It's actually hard to top the original headline at Fox News: "Boy in Slinky Fuchsia Gown Denied Entrance to Prom."

2. V the K attempts the hat trick by offending Dawn, Andrew Sullivan, and Robert Byrd simultaneously.

3. "Care for a taste o' chocolate, Mr. Sullivan?"

4. "Gimme back my flower-hat, white bitch!"

5. "Dammit! Why am I always in heels whenever the Pistons make the playoffs."

6. ORA: On the Season Premier of Stargate SG-1, Merlin appears with a weapon to defeat the Ori in the form of a fabulous white beaded purse, but Col. Mitchell is too embarassed to carry it.

7. LeRoy made it as far as the final interview in the Clinton Internship Search before his tuck gave way.

8. His parents sort of had this coming for naming him Anal, even if they did pronounce it un-ALL.

9. This is nothing, you should have seen his date, who took the prom's 'black tie only' requirement literally.

10. "As a matter of fact, I am trying to look like a whore."

Best of The Man
Curtis Manning never let his CTU buddies know about his cross-dressing phase.

Behold one of the 72 virgins given to jihadist when they die. Allah laughes his ass off when they see their prize!

Best of champaignken
Vera Wang unveils her newest line of prom dresses for cross-dressing teens.

Avalon Manor serving the needs of the transvestic community for over 2 decades.

Best of silhouette
I'd like to thank my gym coach, for dressing us in sequined leotards.

Best of divine miss m
A delicate pink frock from Johnny Weir's 2006 men's formalwear collection.

Best of David Simon
Spike Lee tries his hand at horror. Movie Trailer: "If you thought that Carrie bitch was scary, wait 'til you see what's under this dress."

"Leave it to the racist crackers at Fox to get it wrong. Fuscia didn't design no gown; she the one who gave me this nasty-ass weave."

Best of Mr. Right
Hey, it was the only way he could get Eddie Murphy to take him to the prom, okay!

Best of Slappy
Meet the next governer of the fine State of New Jersey!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Avalon Manor" is an anagram for "Am Noon Larva"
Larva: earliest stage of any of various animals that undergo metamorphosis
Hey, if that bullsh*t works in the DaVinci Code...

Best of Rodney Dill
Cynthia McKinney was even ejected from her prom for lack of her carrying her student ID.

I treat my men like wood floors. Once I lay 'em right, I can walk all over them.

Best of Submariner
Muh G-string and muh bra are both stuffed...

You wouldn't let me in wearing my penis zip-up and jeans as "too casual." Now you won't let me in wearing a formal. Make up your damn mind!

Chaperones Bill and Shrillary saw him at the same time as they arrived in the parking lot. The race was on!

Hat Tip: David Simon

Flowers on her head? Never noticed.

1. Andrew Sullivan would love to spend the night with her... hat.

2. Hillary Clinton wrapped her birthday present to Janet Reno in a very pretty package.

3. "Like the hat? Barney Frank had a yard sale."

4. "I can't wait to meet this 'Gorack' guy from eHarmony. I hope he's nice."

5. Sheila's way of always honoring Jon-Benet Ramsey's birthday was just uber-creepy.

6. SOTG, Submariner, and WhatmeWorry get into a fierce fist-fight over who would have the honor of 'deflowering' her.

Best of Rodney Dill
Some varieties of flower are especially well known for their low hanging fruit.

Best of AM42
New, from the makers of Chia Pet...

Best of Submariner
'Tis amazing what grows out of Andy Rooney's ear...

I'd certainly like to plant something in that bed of roses (if you know what I mean...)

Ohhh, it's all so complicated, with the flowers, and the romance, and the lies upon lies.

Best of The Man
Illegal immigrants wear hats that American will not wear.

Best of jeff
Audrey Hepburn - the wild years.

Best of Silhouette
Tiffany was turned down for the Tournament of Roses parade because of the requirement that all decorations be real.

The light floral scent masks any smelly pirate-ness.

Best of What, me worry?
Bob put daffodils on his privates and suggested some “cross pollination”.

Joan tries her best to woo the gathering of metrosexuals.

“Business is booming” replied Bob when asked how the new receptionist was working out at his FTD franchise.

Things got a little racy at this year’s annual convention of the American Horticultural Society.

“Are they succulents or man-eaters?” chuckled the drunken botanist at the American Horticultural Society meeting. Joan replied, “I don’t know, but they certainly don’t go with PANSIES!.

Best of jbinnout
While busy at the new job, V the K still has time to keep abreast of new floral hat designs.

Best of Mr. Right
Hat? What hat???

Best of Slappy
And then they released the bees...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Queue Joe Cocker's "You Can Leave Your Hat On"...

Q: What kind of bees do you see in the picture?
A: BOO bees!

OK, you have your "fat girls in flour", and then you have your "phat girls in flower". English is a confusing language.

"Hey buddy, what do you think you're looking at?... My t*ts are down here!"

Hat tip: El Hombre.
Cource: Aqui.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

More Lordi

1. Yahoo Personals 'MSW of the month.'

2. At last, someone who sh*ts bigger than Jack Palance.

3. He may be insecure about his height, but he is totally comfortable with his Satanism.

4. Disqualified from PETA's 'Sexiest Vegan' competition. Apparently, human flesh counts.

5. "If human blood turns on cheerleaders, wait 'til they get a load of me!"

6. Christmas Shopping at Hot Topic features a 'non-traditional' Santa.

7. "I am sorry, Mrs. Clinton. But you already sold your soul for a large philly cheesesteak and extra large Dr. Pepper. It's too late to renegotiate."

8. Al Gore has admitted that the 'oil compny executive' interviewed in his Global Warming movie was an actor, but maintains his depiction was 'fake but accurate.'

Best of Rodney Dill
"Normally I wouldn't go huntin' with y'all, but this Cheney feller intrigues me."

"Naw, I'm not here to date yer daughter, Submariner, I'm here to date you!"

"I ate 13 of them freakin' green donuts, and now I'm constipated sumthin' fierce."

The only known surviving drummer from Spinal Tap

Best of Silhouette
Rodin's The Sneerer

"I love little baby ducks,
old pick-up trucks,
slow movin trains, and rain."

"What? I skated my ass off out there. 5.4 for technical?"

Best of Divine Miss M
Okay, let's go over this again: rape first, THEN pillage!

Best of Submariner
Elvira moaned; "Give me 12 inches and make it hurt!" Lordi poked 'er four times and made her watch MSNBC...

From the look on his face, the girth on that turd must be ginormous!

SOTG looked at his assigned celebrity partner and knew that he'd better win this round of the "$25,000 Pyramid."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Servants would dare each other to vigorously shake the Diet Coke can of the Exhaulted Lord Xzltqoth.

Best of The Man
Former VP candidate John Edwards went cheap while focus grouping, leading to his controversial new look.
His hair still takes hours to perfect.

Fox's Speed Metal Idol never got past the pilot episode.

Best of Mr. Right
What's in your wallet?

"One more snide remark out of you, wise guy, and I'll feed you to my kneecap!"

Satan's greatest lament... "Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a decent manicurist down here?"

Due to an unfortunate typo, many unwitting parents soon discovered that they had brought their children to Macy's to have their portrait taken on Satan's lap.

Best of Cricket
I wonder if he uses Palmolive diswashing liquid?

Best of Slap Shot
Remember not to strain too hard, it could give you hemmerhoids!

A Special Blend of Psychology and Extreme Violence

1. "Maybe next time you'll remember the safety word, Worms!"

2. Tyler, Jeremy and Mark are embarrassed when all of them show up to the costume party dressed as Jack-Bauer-in-the-Chinese-Cargo-Ship.

3. "New rule. No more three-ways when you're on your period."

4. "Anyway, guys, the STD Clinic said the rash should clear up in about two weeks, but you're probably going to be contagious the rest of your lives. Sorry."

5. "Well, Excuse me Miss Queen Bee, but you didn't tell us NOT to dismember the hostages!"

6. When the pyramid collapsed under the fat cheerleader, the resulting spatter was awesome!

7. Tragedy ensues when Pamela Anderson's breast implants spontaneously explode during a commencement speech.

8. "Why is it the ACLU won't let us say 'Merry Christmas' in school, but participating in Ashura is mandatory?"

9. "That ref is friggin' blind. Normally, a decapitation would merit at least a personal foul."

10. "Gesundheit... and maybe ease off on the cocaine a little."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Looks like we have some new suspects in the Natalee Holloway case.

As menacing as they wanted to appear, the Mighty Fightin' Lobsters could gain no respect.

"Hey babe, how's about you make me red, white, and blew?"

"Damnit, Heather, get out of this picture until Thursday! And bring your bikini!"

"I'm bored. Let's go home, ask mom if she can be our alibi and watch her freak out."

Best of Rodney Dill

"Too bad you guys didn't know what the word 'indelible' means."

Best of jeff
Jenny thought, "It's nice of the boys to mark themselves like that. Now I know which dorks not to date."

Best of The Man
"Do you want to see what else we painted red"

Best of Submariner
Who dares to taint / With vulgar paint / The royal flower bed? / For painting my roses red / Someone will lose his head!

Uh, yeah, about our appearance; we sorta helped Wiley Coyote with a road runner problem before the game...

"Two! Four! Six! Eight! You can watch me masturbate."

Best of Zeke

The guy on the right seems to have just realized that he's not getting laid till this memory is safely buried in both time and space.

Best of champaignken
An Oakland Raider fan tries to ignore the new politically correct version of the Washington Redskins.

Best of Mr. Right
Lord of the Flies II: Roger and Jack still acted like savages, even long after the raft full of cheerleaders had washed up on the beach, making thoughts of rescue seem less pressing for most of the boys.

Best of prince of leaves
"GIGGLING HUMAN GIRL! I WILL ROAST YOU WITH MY INFERNAL FIRE BREATH. HHHHAAACK-cough-spit-cough-wheeeeze! Poof! Pant! Gasp! Ahh, dammit, Tyler, it's so embarrassing when my infernal fire breath cracks like that...I can't wait until this demonic puberty thing is over with"

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Prison Bitch

1. "Hey, it's that Berkowitz guy. Man, you could totally talk him into anything."

2. Cathy McPhee is a great singer... for me to poop on!

3. "Row Rill Rack Rauer Rever Rescape Rom Rat Rinese Rison?"

4. "Ha! The little brat's stuck in the well. Die! Timmy Die!

5. "That slut is sleeping with Erica's husband. I just know it!"

6. "Woo hoo! Looks like the Vietnamese family is going to adopt me. My worries are over!"

7. "Maybe I'll have the gang over to watch TV and play some poker."

8. "Pr0n and sex toys? Is Sullivan's beagle checked into this kennel?"

Best of jeff
It was nice of my family to make the video - but I would prefer to be pissing on Hawaiian fire hydrants with them....

As part of a doggie psych study, the Humane Society volunteer played tapes of the people who'd abandoned their dogs. Later studies would show many of these people were mysteriously killed by an animal ripping their throats out.

Best of Silhouette
"Only 5 toys? The maid hasn't been by all day to straighten the wrinkles in the bed? Only basic cable?" Al Spot realized all the human rights violation stories about Gitmo were true.

Must be an RCA.

Due to a really, really bad mixup at airport security, Rex was sent to monitor the x-ray machine, while the people were sent to sniff the baggage.

'Ow to speak Vietnamese: pantry.

Best of What, me worry?
Sparkie hoped to see Helen Thomas on CNN, the only woman so ugly that dogs could read her lips.

To get the full commie flavor out of his next meal of dog stew, Kim Jung Il forced the doomed pooch to watch MSNBC before going into the pot.

Azure collar to signify that he was one with the blue states; black and white spots to indicate that he was multi-culti; green blanket and bone to denote that he was eco-friendly; behind bars to show solidarity with all of the men put down by the establishment…Sparkie could be the Democratic frontrunner in ’08. (He's prettier than Hillary - V)

Best of Rodney Dill
Rex hadn't expected this when he checked himself into the Coprophagia treatment clinic.

"C'mon already, sniff her butt."

White Trash dogs always watch the Jerry Springer Spaniel Show.

Best of David Simon
"Doc, if you even think of coming near me with those neuticles, you're going to need them for yourself."

"My owner said my auto-fellatio embarrassed him in front of his friends. Yeah, like him and The Boyfriend didn't nauseate me."

Best of prince of leaves
Lynndie England's interrogation dog was likewise courtmartialed and sentenced to hard time.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Wow, this Old Yeller movie is excellent!... Can't wait to see how it ends!"

Best of Submariner
...Next up on "Fire Hydrants of the Rich and Famous," Robin Leash takes us on a tour of Lassie's estate...

Best of champaignken
At home with Helen Thomas...tonight on C-Span.

Best of Mr. Right
"Hey! Keep it down over there! I'm trying to watch 24!!! Gawd, this place hasn't been the same since that Patrick Kennedy jerk came here to dry out!"

"No! No! No! Damnit, Negreanu, you never call a bet like that with nothing more then a gut-shot straight draw --- I don't care what you think he's holding! Geez, even a flea-ridden mutt on a kibble bender wouldn't make that mistake! That's it, I'm rooting for the 'Unabomber' from here on out!"

Best of nevergrewup
"This ain't so bad. They said sit here and watch TV for a while and we will be in with something to help you sleep. Who said being mans best friend was no big deal?"

Hat Tip: Brendt

Go to Town

Between work and having to write-up the Synopsis of the '24' Season Finale at B4B, I'm swamped, so, here, get this captioned up and I'll cut right to the best ofs.

Best of The Man
The news of Jack Bauer's arrival in China has given 1.2 billion Chinese an excuse to get the hell out. Andrew Sullivan's google search for "Chinese Blow Jobs" Brokeback China opens up with a bang, but in the blows.

There - first for Jack Bauer, Andrew Sullivan, and Brokeback reference! Now, how to tie this in to kids in leotards, Johnny Weir, and VtheK's new job.

Best of David Simon
Panic ensued as it was announced that anyone who couldn't pronounce the letter L would be thrown overboard.

Kim Jong Il's starving subjects were not amused when he told them it would taste like chicken.

Best of Citizen Grim
"Death by Tentacled Beast" wasn't the most subtle mass execution in Mao's repertoire, but then, he was never known for his subtleties.

Best of Submariner
Ah, sure an' begorrah. 'Tis only the O'Sullivan's little people inflating young Andrew's anal O rings...

Best of tuffbeingright
Sadly, the Guinness people had no category for "Largest collection of circular bugars."

Urged by the promise of $1,000 and instant fame, workers feverishly competed to construct a new diaphragm for Paris Hilton.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Once more crack about rings around Uranus and I'll..."

These are not the ellipsoids you are looking for...

Best of What, me worry?
A mean drunk, the Jolly Green Giant orders: “Eat my pubic hairs or die!”

Kim Jung Il will be very disappointed when he finds out that his hapless slave laborers got it wrong again when he said he wanted his lover to experience “really big O’s”.

Best of Silhouette
Chef Boy-R-Dee's surreal new ad campaign for pesto Spaghetti-Os

Hemorrhoid pandemics at sea

“Orange hunting vests becrause Cheney visiting with US deregation. The rife preservers becrause Kennedy come too.”

Inspired by Rodney Dill
Giant Soylent Cheerios are made out of people

Hat tip: Brenda Walker
Source: I Got Your Source Right Here

Monday, May 22, 2006

Lordy Lord

1. "Ia! Ia! Shib-Niggurath! Goat of the Woods with a thousand young!"

2. Upon hearing the incantation, Katie Couric reverts to her natural form.

3. Andrew Sullivan, after being tricked into believing 'soaking in an acid bath will give you an unbelievable orgazm.'"

4. "No one warned me the Botox would wear off!"

5. "Good evening, Mr. Submariner. I'm here to take your daughter to the prom."

6. Iran's ambassador prepares to take his seat on the UN Human Rights Commission.

7. "Come over here and give grandma a hug."

8. The 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' team had barely begun the makeover when Gorack slayed them and feasted upon their remains.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Aw Mom!, did you borrow my Inferno Red nail polish again?"

Gork didn't talk much, but he did make the occasional udderance.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
ORA: " wanna see something REALLY scary?"

On "Making the Band: Gwar", Erazmus doesn't take getting voted off very well.

Best of The Man
The New Kids on the Block reunion plans hit a snag when Joey walked into the room.

DNC Tip #23 - Do not feed Howard Dean after midnight.

Illegal immigrants from Zolthor need to be sent home.

Best of AM42
"Oh crap... a zit... right in the middle of my forehead. And they're taking our yearbook pictures today!"

Best of Submariner
"...because I'm good enough, smart enough, and - doggone it - people like me!"

I'll take Michael J Fox's daydreams for $1000, Alex.

Just tell Grandma you forgot dinner with her because you were in a psycotropic haze at the annual combined coven orgy, rave, and 'battle of the heavy metal bands.' She'll understand...

Best of Silhouette
"No one can see me but you, Sirhan Sirhan. I dare you to shoot."

Proactiv Solution is a revolutionary, dermatologist-developed Combination Therapy® system that helps the skin heal the blemishes you have now - and helps stop new ones from forming - in three quick, easy steps.

'Ow to speak Awstraylian:Miffed

Best of prince of leaves
"I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL FOR DESSERT, PATHETIC MORTAL! PREPARE TO-- HUH? " (sobbing): "Ohhhh fiddlesticks! I broke a nail!"

All right -- which one of you kids put the head back on the Kurgan?

Reason #121543 to Ban Human Cloning: The castoffs from Rosie O'Donnell's stemline.

Best of Cybrludite
I'm so Goth that I $#!+ bats!

Best of racerboy
NO... MORE... WIRE... HANGERS!!!!!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Good news and bad news, Kyle... The bad news is the radiation-enhanced Propecia has had a detrimental effect to your DNA... The good news is you've got some pretty kickin' facial hair!"

"Hey Ralph... you ever feel, you know, not so fresh?"


Just tell Grandma you couldn't make it because you were busy battling the Emperor Qxalgagithlon for the fate of the universe. She'll understand.

I never used to see that face when we were dating, but now that we're married, bang!... Every month like clockwork.

Best of sonicfrog
Next on Fox, Evil Nanny 911.

Best of bad-d-d-dude
AlGore, egged on by Democratic strategist Bob Shrum, once again tries to re-invent himself--this time as ALGORE: Undead Gothic Warlord of the Warm Earth.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

So, I Says to Myrtle I Says

1. "Oh... yeah... you're so (yawn) big... oh yeah, put it in me big boy ..."

2. "Suicide hotline... Joan Rivers?... (Hang up! Hang up!)"

3. "Ewww! Who puts and ad for toe fungus medication in a Romance magazine."

4. "Diane Sawyer does a nude spread on pages 68-69, well, let's just have a look at OH MY FRACKIN' GAWD I'M GONNA HURL!"

5. Al Franken's phone screener has plenty of time between calls to catch up on her reading.

6. Da Vinci code, meet your target audience. Target audience, meet your Da Vinci Code.

File Under Americana. Disclaimers! Fair Use! Tractors! Turnips! Buttocks!

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Scrappy Old Ladies

1. "Eewww, I just realized you had sex with grandpa! Gross!"

2. "Hermann Göring sure was a snappy dresser, grandma."

4. "If he was only removing the garter then why was his head under your dress?"

5. "Wow, Grandma! It looks like you saved every 'Missing Hitchhiker' clipping for the last 30 or 40 years."

6. "Hey, that's so cool! Can grandpa still fit in your wedding dress?"

7. "Aw, grandma, do we have to see the pictures of you being consecrated as Satan's bride again?"

8. "And here's one of you and Eleanor Roosevelt on the Isle of Lesbos. You really got around back in the day."

9. "You wore white? That's frackin' hilarious."

10. "Richie Sambora lost his virginity to you? Well, that explains a lot."

File Under: Americana. Fair Use and Disclaimers ahoy!

Friday, May 19, 2006

Did somebody say morbid obesity?

1. After the merger of McDonald's and Michelin Tires, they found they had difficulty synergizing their core competencies.

2. Andrew Sullivan had your site blogrolled for a while, but Kobe Bryant didn't appreciate your trying to squeeze humor out of offensive stereotypes about childhood obesity on Brokeback Mountain. Read their stories, educate yourselves, smelly pirate hookers ... This kid's so fat, his gravitational field has sucked in all our caption in-jokes.

3. "Dammit, Kyle, shut your gawddamm jew mouth and give me your fries."

4. Summer is here. Time to Michael-Jackson-proof your kids.

5. "I can't believe those bastards at Southwest Airlines made us buy an entire cargo hold."

6. Joey Chestnut. The Early Years.

Hat Tip: Mo

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Dick Not Fully Erect

1. ... Snore... hrmf... "Cokie, it's too damn big. Get the Wesson Oil"... Snore... hrmf...

2. "Heavenly Father, Let us lay out those shrieking bastards across the desert where their burned bodies can be picked over by ravens and jackals. Amen." Everybody loved it when Rumsfeld gave the opening prayer.

3. Whenever Mary Cheney saw dad slumped over asleep in front of the ball-game, she knew the coast was clear to take Susie into the Rec Room and make out.

4. Rumsfeld had been waiting years for this. "Get a bowl of warm water and put his hand in it. This is gonna be great!"

5. While Cheney sleeps off his noon "Lunch with Patrick Kennedy," Rumsfeld secretly fantasizes about bricking him up in a wall with a cask of Amontillado.

6. "Cheney's out. Should we strip him naked and tie him to the National Christmas Tree again?"

7. ... Snore... hrmf... "Yar! Avast and prepare to be 'boarded' me lovelies, yar"... Snore... hrmf...

8. "Let me guess, the Spice Channel ran another Honey Wilder marathon last night."

9. Bush looked down past the end of the table and saw exactly what he was looking for in a Border Security Czar.

10. No one was alarmed until Cheney began drooling and his drool began burning large holes in the floor.

Hat Tip: Don Moore
Credit: Getty Editiorial Images. Duh.

Wagons Ho!

1. OBR: "Welcome to the Brokeback Inn, my name is Larry, how can I help you."

2. Another outbreak of 'Tawny Kitaen Syndrome' is reported in Wyoming.

3. "Must.....reach....utility...belt!"

4. They grow up so fast. It seems like only yesterday she was a chubby freshman boy in a sequined halter top.

5. "Kennedy loves it when I ride on his back and dig the spurs into his buttocks."

6. Hillary loved her taut, perky breasts, but it was the warm human blood pulsing through her neck veins that got Nancy Pelosi excited.

7. "Oohh! So that's why they call it a saddle-horn!"

8. "OMG, I've never seen anything so gorgeous," gushed Andrew Sullivan. "Where did you get those fabulous boots?"

9. Why should pirates have all the fun?

10. "Thanks, but I said I need a posse."

I saw this on Discarded Lies, but I forget where it came from or who posted it. Sorry.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Is it in yet?

1. "Girlfriend, did you make that jacket out of placemats from 'On The Border?' Tacky, tacky, tacky, tacky, tacky."

2. Evo promises the workers he will anally rape Hugo until the international capitalist system is overthrown.

3. "They love it when you kiss the back of their neck and sing 'Heat of the Moment' in a Barry White voice."

4. "Forget pocket pool, amigo. Let me show you the true meaning of behind the eight-ball."

5. "Hey Amigo, how about a burrito and some hot anal action? [Slap] HEY! What's wrong, don't you like burritos?"

6. "Nice jacket, wanna screw?"

Best of andthenblammo!
"Yes, we have a new price schedule for all that natural gas you buy from us. Rather than take a lot of time explaining it, I'll just show you how it works.........."

"And that's how you tell if a jacket fits well. Now turn around, and I'll show you what it means when the tailor asks you if you 'dress right' or 'dress left'......."

Mr. Bean meets....well, Mr. Bean.

"Your favorite movie is Brazil, Lula? Mine's Brokeback Mountain!"

"Now turn around..Surprise! I bought you Paraguay! Happy anniversary!"

Best of Rodney Dill
So thats why they put the slit in the back of the suit jacket.

Best of Submariner
A paraguays, heh heh, heh heh...

Evo: Wherever there is injustice, you will find us.
Lula: Wherever there is suffering, we'll be there.
Evo: Wherever liberty is threatened, well - two out of three ain't bad!

Two bits, four bits, six bits, a peso. All for Hugo, stand up and say so!

Best of sonicfrog
OK. You stand right here. Yeah, that's about right..... OK. FIRE!!!

Best of Cybrludite
Um, Evo, he's got a .50 caliber Barrett sniper rifle. Hiding behind me isn't going to do you any good...

Evo reveals his plot to take over the world using clones of Paul Krugman.

Roto-Reuters photo/ Enrique Marcarian. Multiple requests for this, AM and Franco among them.

Can You Hear Me Now Roundeye?

1. "Hey, dude, I just robbed The Golden Girls I got Estelle Getty's camera, Rue McClanahan's shampoo, Betty White's cell phone, and Bea Arthur's bathrobe."

2. "Ignore the 'Hello Kitty' keychain. I am butch, I tell you, B-U-T-C-H."

3. "Sequins! that's what this outfit is missing!"

4. In a rejected Sprint PCS commercial, Hideki mishears "Walk the Dog," as "Wok the Dog."

5. The illegitimate child of George Takei and Bea Arthur seeks his birth parents.

6. Hiroshi didn't care what anybody said. He thought 'Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto' was a cool ringtone.

7. "Yeah, mama-san, we just wrapped up the pep rally at cram school. Some idiot freshmen dressed up like geishas, so we went samurai on their asses. So, rice for dinner, again?"

8. "Dad was dishonored at work and committed suicide? I suppose this means you want me to pick up the tofu and soy sauce on my way home."

Best of Rodney Dill
Somewhere there's a smelly pirate hooker in a Red Roof Inn room that has no drapes.

"Man, Taylor Hicks just has to win."

"Why the Herr do they even put an "L" on the 5 key."

Best of The Man
"Who? Jack Bauer? Never heard of him, you must have the wrong number"

Best of Submariner
Mr. Blutarsky goes to Chinatown.

"Made in USA; What the hell?"

Best of Zeke
OH..MY..GAWD..if I loose my bid on ebay for those shoes I'm so going to go postal on the train tonight.

Lets see hit "send, send *1" wait and input my code. oh crappypoo i think i just erased my strawberry shortcake screen savers.

Best of What, me worry?
Not the sharpest sushi knife in the drawer, Kumu scrolls through the multitude of options on his new Motorola RAZR cell phone, trying to figure out how to shave with it.

Late for his “date” and in need of a belt, Kumu is forced to wear ten feet of outdated brown vinyl base molding.

Best of sonicfrog
I never new technology could be ... so... Delicious!!!

Best of divine miss M
New on TLC: "Samurai Decorator."

Hat tip: Timmeh!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

The Low Spark of High-Heeled Boys

1. Mr the K, Child Protective Services Would Like a Word With You

2. "No, Sully is more into rough sex with burly biker types. I'd say we're in a dream Barney Frank is having."

3. School uniforms, Berkeley-style.

4. "The school board might be able to stop us from having a Gay-Straight Alliance, but by cracky, they can't stop us from having a Johnny Weir fan club."

5. "I am beginning to understand why our offensive line isn't considered a force to be reckoned with."

6. "Look at the bright side. At least we're not Goths."

7. "That was awesome! Now, let's give Derrick's dad a heart attack!"

8. "After the dance, would you guys like to come hang out in my basement and watch Finnish pop music videos?"

9. "Don't worry, dad's at a Pirates game with his 'roommate,' Scott. He won't be home for hours."

10. "And to think I thought I was the only 14 year old cross-dresser in Dayton. Gawd, I love myspace."

Best of sonicfrog
Oh, crap! Did I miss the Janet Reno look-alike contest again??

Best of prince of leaves
Meanwhile, in the other gym, the girls' gender sensitivity training class required them to swagger around shirtless in jeans and cowboy boots, with fake hair glued to their chests and a can of Pabst in each hand. The girls clearly got the better curriculum.

Best of Submariner
Making fun of boys who want to be girls who want to be women trying to break into the ballet. Nice. Read their story. Edumacate yourselves, morons.

Nothin' to see here, folks; just some boys preparin' for their first night out at the "Blue Oyster." Please move along...

Streisand backup singer auditions? This way... and the diva doesn't want to hear "Funny Girl" again.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Phew! Ed! Artsy Fartsy is just a figure of speech."

Best of Zeke
High school on the Planet Transsexual Transylvania, the early days of Dr. Frank.
Wow that movie makes so much more sense now.

The artist sometimes known as Prince, opens his new line of highschool uniforms.

Best of What, me worry?
Knowing how to get the really big tips while lap-dancing at the NAMBLA convention, the real go-getters wore the red arm bands that indicated the fisting was acceptable.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"Hey, Richard: Fat guy in a little coat! Fat guy in a little coat!"

Best of David Simon
"Excuse me Coach Sullivan, how is a full-figure fairy supposed to squeeze into this skimpy little halter top?"

"Bruce, this shopping at the same boutique as me and going to the same hairdresser as me is getting way too Single White Female.

Best of champaignken
The Liza with a Z tribute band meets for its first rehearsal at the Tommy Tune High School for the Arts.

Drugs and Lawn Equipment

1. After 'Tru-Green Chem Lawn' merged with 'Medieval Knights restaurants, Inc,' they found they had a lot of trouble synergizing their core competencies.

2. The Residents eventually gave up music and started a lawn care business.

3. The U.S. Border Patrol, as envisioned by the McCain-Kennedy Amnesty Bill.

4. OBR: Anus eventually did find out a way to quit Jake.

5. Thunderdome was never the same after Hank Hill overthrew Aunty Entity.

6. Johnny Knoxville and middle-age, not a pretty combination

7. The Travelocity gnome never knew what hit him.

8. How Nature says "Do Not Touch."

9. A curiously appropriate method for deciding who gets custody of the 'Star Trek: Voyager' DVD Collection.

10. Kang and Kodos performing a job Earthlings just won't do.

11. As more details emerge into exactly how V the K sprained his wrist on vacation, investigators are finding they have more questions than answers.

Best of David Simon .
"Hey Ms. Sheehan, we need someone to play Rachel Corrie."

Best of The Man .
Even in retirement, Jack Bauer seemed to always find himself in dangerous situations.

Best of What, me worry? .
Jake and Chester find a use for the unusual attachments that came with the John Deere purchased at Mistress Olga’s S&M Boutique and Farm Supply.

“How could you mistake a pull-type spin spreader with Residents eyeball masks, a sword and a morning star? Oh well…Charge”!

Best of Submariner .
Shaggy and Scooby took one look and decided they'd rather face the Cotton Candy Glob than the skele-thingies...

"Your retaining wall was built on my property, varlet. I wilt defend my property rights!"

"You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting. In what world could you possibly beat me?"

Best of prince of leaves .
Knights of the Short Bus.

Best of Rodney Dill .
Man I am so drunk

Best of Cybrludite .
Even sadder, they pass the authenticity requirements of some SCA chapters.

Best of Zeke .
Evil Alien Conquerors II, this time they can drive!

Best of Rodney Dill .
LawnMjollnir Man

Monday, May 15, 2006

El Gordo

1. Look in the sky! It's a bird. It's a plane. It's Super-Commie! Strange visitor from another world. (Berkeley) Faster than the speeding bullets that ventilate his dissidents. More powerful than a locomotive... most of which are running late (a.k.a. on socialist time) Able to captivated large liberals (Michael Moore, Rosie O'Donnell, Ted Kennedy) with a single Marxist slogan...

2. "Young Turdhoppers, as soon as you can grasp the pebble, your Marxist indoctrination will be complete."

3. "Then, I will crush the capitalist counter-revolutionaries like Sawyer crushed that tree-frog on that one episode of Lost. You know what I'm talking about."

4. Then, one of the large stage fans wafted his armpit funk over the crowd, incapacitating the first three rows.

5. "Hidey Hidey Hidey Hi!" "Hidey Hidey Hidey Hi!" "Hodey Hodey Hodey Ho!"

6. Unfortunately, as Hugo was leading the crowd through Tai Chi, the Chinese delegate to the World Communist Conference arrived and, mistaking him for a Falun Gong, shot him through the back of his head and harvested his organs for sale to the party leadership.... much to the delight of the international community.
Best of Submariner .
Wonder Twin power: Activate! Form of a maniac dictato, er... benevolent, legally-elected presidente!

Though a self-professed "super-sentient," Hugo was only capable of a 3 cm energy ball to hurl at the attacking Goku.

Though restless, the natives always loved Uncle Hugo's spirited pantomimes of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."

When lack of "mind power" resulted in the spoon not bending, Hugo used his hands and instructed the audience they "saw nothing."

Best of prince of leaves .
"And when we defeat the capitalist pig-dogs of America, everyone will have a Segway---ooooAAHHH! Juan! How do you stop this crazy thing!?!?!"

Best of Divine miss M .
"Hey, Macarena!"

Best of What, me worry? .
Thanks to state-run programming, the best Venezuelan television had to offer was Hugo’s prime time show of “Guess Which Hand”, followed in the next timeslot by Hugo’s “Hand Shadows”.

Despite the compelling APPLAUSE OR DEATH audience prompters, sporadic booing accompanied the Venezuelan President-For-Life’s cynical magic trick of “Your Disappearing Civil Liberties”.

Best of Son Of The Godfather .
Yup, those finger-trap party favors can be a bitch... especially in front of an audience.

Best of Rodney Dill .
You must be this tall to get on the Maniacal Despot ride.

Best of Cybrludite .
And if you all clap, Tinkerbell here will live. If not, she and your families will be sent to the firing squad!

Best of Jason .
"Both fists? No kidding?" "Yeah, I totally had both in Ms. Sheehan. Looked like this!"

Most people don't know that Hugo Chavez used to be a Scout Trooper on Endor.

Best of AM42 .
Despite years of therapy- every day at 5:30 Hugo uncontrollably breaks into the Snoopy Suppertime! dance.

ORA- Much to his surprise and dismay, Hugo discovered that the suit only worked on Ralph Hinkley.

Best of Silhouette .
I must, I must, I must increase my bust.

Best of WhoopsieDaisey .
Hugo Chavez prepares to dive into Cindy Sheehan as her personal "Human Kotex."

Best of Occasional Reader .
Faced with mounting problems associated with the country's decrepit petroleum infrastructure, the few remaining PDVSA engineers were less than impressed by the President's exhortations to "just keep stirring up that oil, the way I stir things up on the dance floor."

Best of David Simon .
"When I said I wanted wall hangings in my office Andrew, I didn't mean those poofy macrame things; I meant my political opponents, shackled like this."

Sombrero Tip: AM42

All They Need Is the Hooker

1. Brian had never seen Steve look more beautiful than at that moment.

2. "You rock, Barry! Wooo! Do 'I Write the Songs' Woo!"

3. Paying to have the scoreboard flash 'Will you marry me?' was cheesy, and cliched... but exactly the kind of thing that made Steve fall in love with Brian in the first place.

4. "And you wanted to go antiquing."

5. The Goldwater Memorial was a casual affair.

Best of Submariner
Are you blind or just stupid? See my tiara? I'm a "princess," not a "pirate."

Best of David Simon
Figures the San Francisco guy would be wearing melon chiffon and a satin tiara.

"I'm glad you burger folks got rid of that creepy "King," but I'm not sure this new spokesman is much of an improvement."

Best of What, me worry?
Working the camera on is cell phone, the man hoped his picture of the two flabby behinds in open-ass leather chaps would be good enough for the CAPTION THIS! web site.

Best of Van Helsing
The guy on the right can't be Barry in SF. His head is smaller than a blue ribbon pumpkin.

Best of sonicfrog
You lied to me. You said you'ld be fat too!

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
Poor Nigel! He's still living in his past glory as the Fire Island High School Senior Prom Queen from 1985.

Best of Divine miss M
To offset Hot Babe Thursday, V the K introduces Goofy Fat Guy Monday.

Best of Rodney Dill
It's been fun Ted, I guess we've really Bonded

Hat Tip: Divine Miss M
Source: SI Photo Gallery. Uncredited

Sunday, May 14, 2006

'S'cuse me Ladies, While I Whip This Out

1. "It's twue! It's twue!"

2. You can always tell when a lady has spent the night with CJ by the look on her face for the nest week.

3. "She always gets that look on her face when she levitates Pugsley Addams."

4. "I don't know what's wrong with you, dear. Ever since you had that internship at Nancy Pelosi's office you only go out at night and you get excited by the smell of human blood."

5. "Pavlovian Response Training. Wait 'til you see what she does when I say the word 'banana.'"

6. Hard to believe only four people in this entire arena are 'Confident! Confident! Dry and Secure!'

7. "Dear, the nice roadie is offering you backstage passes so you can get used by the Dave Matthews band and then tossed aside like a Kleenex. Say 'Thank You' to the nice roadie."

8. Ah, Spring; and a young woman's thoughts turn to banging every single member of Fallout Boy.... except Patrick Stump.

9. "I know it seems like an exciting life, now. But in a few years, when you stink like sh*t and have an eyepatch and a hook for a hand, you'll be sorry."

10. "Big Leroy wasn't lying. This is primo sh*t!"

Taken From: Detroit News Photoblog

Saturday, May 13, 2006

The Future's So Bright ...

1. "That should show the Great Satan who's nuts."

2. "Designer originals from the Kim Jong-il collection, new at Penney's."

3. ORA
Dog: Hey, would you take those f**king things off?
Boy: I never got to use night-vision.
Dog: They do not work during the day!
Boy: Yeah, they kinda work.

4. "These glasses, a solar eclipse, an estruating dog, a Pink Floyd double album, two hits of don't get no better than this!"

5. "These are the most powerful beer goggles known to man and you still look like a horse-faced piece of crap. Sorry, Sarah Jessica Parker."

6. Cruel things to do to a blind boy and his seeing eye dog.

7. "Over-accessorized? Girlfriend, I am a princess!"

8. "Damn, these X-ray specs really work. Now, to find some sheep."

Looted this Booty from the AssPress Pictorial Graveyard, Yarrrr....

Friday, May 12, 2006


1. Montel's paternity test confirmed that Jabba the Hutt was, in fact, his baby's daddy.

2. "Seems reasonably tender, I'll give you $3.49 a pound."

3. "I want my baby back baby back baby back ... ribs!"

4. "Sushi? No thank you. Hideki and I have gone Brokeback."

5. Speaking of Brokeback Mountin', that's a pretty fair summation of their sex lives.

6. "I bring good news. Americans can eat burritos no longer. Michael Moore's crippling advantage in International Fart Competitions is at an end."

7. After seeing this, the Supreme Court may decide to revisit the Communications Decency Act.

8. "Yeah, I kind of let myself go after George Takei dumped me."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Uh this isn't working very well, lets just go back to fighting by hitting each other with clubs instead."

The annual Babyput competition. Edgar on the right holds the record distance of 75 feet.

Best of Van Helsing
"I'll wait until she calms down. If I eat them while they're crying, it makes me belch afterwards."

Best of Silhouette
The Tokyo playhouse presents: Mohammad Chooses A Bride

Best of jeff
"Ah good! Her digestive sounds are good and strong...oh, excuse me, those are yours!"

Best of Submariner
Prease to terr baby to ret go ear!

Best of what, me worry?
"Why is she crying? I think she just realized that her father is a big fat slob who walks around in public in nothing but a thong". (Ted Kennedy? – V)

Kumar the Sumo wrestler knew he was getting big when his gravitational pull caused the toddler and the wrestling official to stick to him like moons orbiting a planet.

At the reception following their gay wedding in San Francisco’s Chinatown, the two flamboyant fat men inspect the presents that Michael Jackson gave them.

Best of David Simon
"They sure didn't rike potty training, Suki." "That's because they had to use the potty after you and Hideo each took fifteen minute dumps, Matsui."

Best of e-ho
George Clooney checks into eating disorder clinic after he accidentally devours one of Brangelina's kids.

Best of Chip
Me not horny.

Best of Robert
Well what do you know, here's another baby stuck in my fat rolls.

Hat Tip: Brenda and Yahoo News.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Cap This Bleg

I would be very grateful if anyone could email me a jpeg or scan of the Patrick Kennedy as Michael Jackson pics that appeared in the National Enquirer. Thanks.

Endlessly Entertaining Florida Politics

1. "Yeah, I totally fracked her brains out. How could you tell?"

2. "Maybe if you let her shower, she wouldn't be so smelly."

3. "If that helicopter leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your .... aw, crap. Cut! Penelope Cruz is spazzing again."

4. And then, a passing seagull dropped a load right in her eye.

5. "Something about, 'Your friends don't dance and if they don't dance, well, they're no friends of mine.'"

6. "Looks like the Roophies are kicking in. Could you excuse us for, um, 10 minutes or so?"

7. "Great, Kathy, now, just rock your head from side to side and sing 'Isn't she lovely...'"

Courtesy: NRO

And Now, A Live One

1. "My idea of a perfect date? Lay in an inflatable raft playing with a Game Boy. Know anybody? like that?"

2. "I am naughty. Naughty am I."

3. "Bill, Hill... there's no need to fight over me. I find you both repugnant."

4. "Really... every picture ever taken of me... with a telephoto lens? I need to leave now."

5. "Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not the chick from 'That 70's Show.'"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
In college, I had girls like this beating on my door every day... I eventually had to let them out.

Let me guess... her "turn-ons" include: Lots of sex, video-games, pizza, and guys who spend an inordinate amount of time writing captions.

Well crap... how can a picture yell "Hey! My eyes are up here!"?

“Two spaghetti straps away from needing some extended me time in the bathroom."

Best of Capt. queeg
Assuming those are 5-pounders with a spaghetti strap diameter of 0.10 inch, the stress on each works out to about 635 psi. I conclude, therefore that they are kevlar, though I hope they are wet kite string.

Best of The Man
I went to my OBGYN and a group of short Koreans came in.

Best of What, me worry?
"Pardon me while I scratch my taut, nubile and perfect behind. I’ve been irregular ever since the illegals quit making burritos”.

Best of Submariner
Sorry, can't talk now - I'm on my way to an interview for a French Newscaster position. Think I'm overdressed?

Lifted mercilessly from Sondrak the K.

Bimbot with Guest Caps from Sonic the Frog (S the F)

1. Though she's an early prototype, she's already more lifelike than Al Gore.

2. Daddy has one of these at home, but his is like a balloon.

3. SLAP! "No... wire... hangers!"

4. Even their androids are cross-eyed.

5. Honey, don't touch the Mimes.

6. Uh Oh, Mommy's on pills again...

7. The new, ethnically diverse Stepford holds Parent Teacher Conferences.

8. "Cold, rigid, and mechanical... but enough about my date with Paris Hilton, lets talk about this android."

9. That's right, sweetheart. By the time you're an adult, this technology will be so perfect, men won't even need you any more.

10. "Careful, babe, or someone's going to drown in those eyes of yours."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The asian appearance is by design... The shitty way it drives is purely coincidental.

"You say you are lying... but if you are lying then what you say can't be the truth and... Norman, please coordinate... Malfuction... Mal... func... tion... Me... love... you... loooooonnnnngggg... t-t-timmmmmmmmmme."

"THAT'S for hitting on my boyfriend, Mary-Kaye Letourneu-san-bot!"

Best of Divine miss M
"Number 12 looks just like you! Of course, this is Japan, after all…"

Best of Submariner
OBR: I wish I knew how to quit you, A27B9!

The roofies have definitely kicked in, papa-san. She's ready for your "date."

I was watching teacher during recess, Michiko. If you press the right spot behind this ear, she spreads her legs...

Best of The Man
Jack Bauer entered the room via the roof and cut out the eyeball of the terrorist, who did not flinch or move throughout the ensuing torture session. Jack Bauer assumed she was just a well diciplined terrorist.

David Blaine never expected such adverse effects from spending a week underwater. Andrew Sullivan is rumored to have bought a big bubble.

Best of attmay
How the heck do I set this thing to "love me long time"?

Best of What, me worry?
Michael Jackson looked longingly at the photo and whimpered, "That could have been me sitting in a chair with children lovingly touching my smooth girl skin, if only the plastic surgeons hadn't botched everything so horribly".

Hypnotized by watching Nancy Pelosi's evil index finger, legend had it that the Princess could only awaken when the right red-clad adolescent bitch-slapped her between 13:30 and 14:00.

Best of prince of leaves
"That's what you get for 'choosing a mortal life', Arwen...having your incorruptible elf-corpse propped up in a museum in Minas Tirith for schoolkids to gawp at."

Unfortunately, Dr. Song died suddenly, before he could replace the last of her temporary components with a more life-like version. -- Vincent Price voiceover from Edwina In-Sink-Erator-Crotch

An instant later, Ms. Roboto's jaws suddenly sprang open and devoured little Suya in one gulp. "Uh, we're still trying to refine its choice of fuel source," an embarrassed Dr. Park explained to the girl's grieving parents.

Source: Korea TimesHat TiPS the F

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

The Secret Garden

1. "So, what you're saying, Guinan, is if I don't allow amnesty for all illegal immigrants, the Federation will never exist?"

2. George Clinton as the Ghost of Christmas Yet-To-Come in UPN's Bush's Funky Christmas Carol.

3. "I realize the Ori are a serious threat, but Teal'c, that is like, the gayest hat you have ever used to hide your Jaffa insignia."

4. ORA -- "Really, Benson? And does the rest of the staff also think I'm a 'jive turkey?'"

5. The curse worked, Dr. Sumbajo. Nancy Pelosi did eat a booger on national TV.

6. Idi Amin returns from the dead and is immediately appointed UN High Commissioner for Human Rights.

7. "Say... a robe like that would definitely make my games of pocket pool more discreet."

8. "Sorry, but I'm not one of the real killers. Yes, I have an alibi. You'll have to cross me off the list. Good luck, though."

9. "Cheney promised you Jenna in return for drilling rights on the Nigerian continental shelf? Well, okay..."

10. "Yeah, I'd sure like to be a shrimp boat captain some day, Bubba."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Nope, I'm pretty sure this isn't Pizmo Beach."

Best of David Simon
"I know it's chilly out here Desmond, but you've got to put that bedspread back in the Lincoln Bedroom."

"You can have your passport back just as soon as you tell Morley Safer that Joe Wilson is a lying sack of sh*t."

Best of prince of leaves
"For the last time, Kwame: no, I don't want to give you my bank account number to help you get your money out of your country."

Best of Anonymous
ORA: If you go to Za'ha'dhum, you will die.

Best of Mr. Right
"I'm sorry, Master Windu, Senator Palpatine is tied up in a committee meeting today, he won't be joining us. Now what's all this mumbo jumbo I keep hearing about a Sith Lord?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Let me make sure I understand you, Morpheus... If I choose the red pill, I wake up to a world where chaos rules and humans are lumps of mindless flesh being siphoned off of... So in that reality, Democrats are in charge?"

Best of Submariner
Gotta ask ya, M'Butti, how's that dress thang in a stiff wind?

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"But to answer your question, Samuel: Yeah, I think Harry Reid does look like a b#tch!"

Best of What, me worry?
"You know what they say, President Bush: The blacker the berry the sweeter the juice".

“Yes, Mr. Ambassador, I must agree: Muammar Qaddafi does indeed dress like a fag. I much prefer the understated masculinity your man-burka”.

“That’s what separates me from Nancy Pelosi. While she’ll eat her boogers on national TV, I’ll discreetly wipe mine on the insides of my trousers pocket”.

Best of bad-d-d-dude
Yea, can you help me be more jivey and hip-like? You know, kinda like Al Gore.

Looted this Booty from the AssPress Pictorial Graveyard, Yarrrr....

The Ronery Guy's Guide to Rife

1. Li'l Kim now forces his underlings to act out episodes of his favorite Fox Show 'Plison Blake.'

2. Unfortunately, L'il Kim was about eight years too late getting on the boy band bandwagon.

3. "This jacket is much more comfortable than the one with the sleeves that tie in the back."

4. The secret behind 'the Others' and the secret identity of their leader is revealed on a very special 'Rost.'

5. ORA (But riffing on #1). "No, no, no... I Scofield, you Rincoln Burrows. Why everybody think I'm Haywire?"

Best of T. Harris
"Psst, Joo-chan. Do you know where the Supreme Ruler gets his happenin' shades? Man, those are cool."

Best of The Good Lieutenant
All your labcoats are belong to us!

Best of Silhouette
Doogie Jong-il, MD* *maniacal dictator

I am doctor, he is butcher, he is chemist, he is baker, and the funny one is dressed as Clinique makeup saleswoman."

Best of What, me worry?
North Korean building inspectors had to laugh when they saw the way the electrician ran the conduit between the main house and the garage.

Best of jeff
"You are right - nuclear radiation is very good for cleaning clothes - these are the whitest whites I've seen in years!"

Best of Rodney Dill

We study Nuclear Science,
We love critical masses,
'Gotta crazy world leader,
Who wears dark glasses.
Bomb production's going great,
And the missle's flying better.

We're refining it right,
High Plutonium Grade,
'Countryside is so bright,
We Gotta wear shades.

Best of Submariner
Scientist at right displays classic "cover up maneuver" after eyeing L'il Kim's pyoon yang...

L'il Kim; "♪ I wear my sun-grasses at night... ♪"
Scientist; "It's daytime..."
L'il Kim; "Kirr him..."

Best of Rodney Dill (Non Musical
"Hmmm... I'm thinking of going back to the shiny green suits."

Brokeback Despot (OBR - Obligatory Brokeback reference)

Best of Jason
Li'l Kim shows off his 'Evil Dictator' pose at the annual North Korean beauty pagent.

Best of The Man
I too rexy foor dis rab coat.

Andrew Sullivan is here for his colonoscopy, again.

Best of prince of leaves
[guy in back center] What Jin was really involved in is revealed in a flashback in the season 3 premier of Lost.

Best of David Simon
"Are people are starving? Ret 'em eat yerrowcake."

"Ret me get this straight. Jimmy Carter gave us nucrear reactor in return for promise not to deverope nukes? Bwahaha. Dear Reader, surery you are joking?" "No, I not joking, and if you call me surery again, I'll kill you."

Best of plince of reaves
[brooding] Why is it everyone takes that Iranian apocalyptoid seriously and not me? I'm just as nutty as he is, and I've already got nukes. Is it the glasses? Maybe I should get a different haircut. Ahh, I got it: a scruffy beard-- ah, crap, I can't grow a beard...

[guy on right] Oooh, I just rove it when Dear Reader minces! It gives me very special feering down in my...oh-oh...

Best of Mr. Right
ORA: "How do you get aww of Dear Reader's whites so crean Mr. Ree?"
"Ancient Chinese secret."

Best of Cybrludite
Ok, we'll put the Jacob's Radder here and the theremin there... this will be the bestest mad scientist rab ever!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I had youl site brogrolled for a whire, but I'm taking you off because I don't appleciate youl tlying to squeeze humol out of offensive steleotypes about wacky dictatols.

Awright smawt guy. Bera Rugosi to Kevin Bacon - GO!

I Saw This On K Is P This Morning and let it cut to the head of the line.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Trustafarian Hippie Throwdown

1. A real Power Dyke wouldn't need a T-Shirt reading "Power Dyke."

2. After dishonoring their families, Rita and Berenice were doomed to walk the Earth, drumming and engaging in pitched farting contests.

3. "When the Shadow of the Moon Goddess rises upon our drumming... is that when we slaughter anything with testicles?"

4. "Sometimes, when I hold my drum like this, I imagine I'm crushing a man's head between my thighs."

5. "Hypothetically speaking, do you think anyone would be stupid enough to superglue a drum between her thighs?"

6. Pranksters trick Selma Hayek and Ellen DeGeneres in to a 'Free Tito Puente' Rally.

7. "You think my girl Cindy's gonna be impressed with that cheap-ass weave? Outta the ditch, bitch. She's mine!"

8. "Yarrr, ye be needin' a shower, I reckon."

Best of jeff
The rest of the students wished for unconciousness due to malnutrition to show it's effects as soon as possible.

Secretly, their girlfriends hoped that the hunger strike would last at least 20-30lbs.

Best of What, me worry?
"My drum skin is made from dried testicles. What's your's made of?"

Best of Mr. Right
♪Day-o, day-o!♪
♪Moonbats come an' me wan' go home...♪

Best of Son Of The Godfather
How else are we gonna get our sweat if they close down all the shops?

I'm sure the kid working on his umpteenth million Nike in China appreciates the efforts of privledged lesbian chicks giving up Cheetos for a week.

You'd think chicks shaped like this would be FOR wearing sweats.

Best of Submariner
We are the power dykes that say "Nih!" >thump

♪ Listen, children, to a story that was written long ago. ♪
♪ 'Bout a queen-dom on a mountain and the sweatshops in the valley below... ♪

Best of Rodney Dill
The ritual had started in hopes that Pelosi would show up to put a finger in the Dyke.

"C'mon, if we get the beat just right, I bet we can get the President and that black man in the robe to dance together."

Best of Zeke
Their drumming ended tragically when the power dyke and the fattie accidentially drummed in a freak thunderstorm, a demon from the seventh level, and Ralph Nader in his true form. Simultaniously washing the world clean of their taco smell and replacing the campus with a wind farm that killed everything in a fifty mile radius.

Best of WhoopsieDaisey
Michael Jackson also did a rendition of "Beat It" but unlike these two "very special friends," he was thinking of boys.

Source: The Conjecturer. Hat Tip: Timmeh!

I Shall Call Her, "Botoxia, Queen of the Damned"

1. "The Democratic position that all crosses be banned from public display is purely a church and state issue and has nothing to do with my being Queen of the Damned."

2. "Our first act upon taking over the House will be impeachment, followed by feasting on the blood of innocents, then a tax increase..."

3. "All of our menstrual cycles have been synchronized with Hillary's for some time."

4. From this pirated screenshot from Halo 3, we see that The Flood will continue to be among the villains.

5. You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you must not let the undead pick your nose.

6. "Oh, man, when I get back to Eastwick, me, Cher and Susan Sarandon are SO putting a curse on your wang."

7. "For the last time, I don't know what happened to Hansel and Gretel, Now, step away from my gingerbread house."

8. Not even Larry King bought into Pelosi's claim that she was "the original San Francisco Treat."

9. "No, no, step away from me with that Holy Water."

10. Sep'd at birth, Nancy Pelosi and the Crypt-Keeper.

Best of Rodney Dill
"...and this is the finger I used for Cynthia McKinney's body cavity search."

Best of Submariner
♪One is the loneliest number that I've ever done...♪
♪Two, might be as bad as one, but I'll never know...♪

Wait! I have an idea... never mind, I really just wanted to see what it was like to say that...

My doctor told me that if I have just 1 more face lift I'll be sportin' a goatee. Ha! What does he know? I shave, so at worst I'll have a cleft chin like Kirk Douglas!

I am not! I bathe...

Best of Vonster
"He tasks me...and I shall have him"

Best of sonicfrog
"... so I sued Terry Gilliam for revealing my beauty secrets in his film "Brazil"..."

Best of nevergrewup
"I did not have sex with that...Crypt-Keeper."

"Dear Nancy, I loved last night. Sorry about the premature pulloutsi. Will drop your blouse off at the cleaners as soon as I get the chance."

Best of Jason
Congresswoman Pelosi responds to the question: How many actual thoughts have you ever had?

Best of Cybrludite
Ma'am, how many brain cells has the botox left you with?

Best of What, me worry?
"Do you have a Kleenex? Normally I eat my bugars, but I am on TV".

Best of Mr. Right
Here, sniff for yourself... you can still detect a hint of the sweet scent of Hillary's precious nectar!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The positive side of Botox is that I have an explanation for my odd facial expressions when pulled over by the police... Hey, get Pat Kennedy on the phone.

The doctor said I could choose between either the "Uh-oh, I just peed a little" look, or the more popular "anal intrusion" look. I chose a single combination of the two.

From Drudge.