Yea! We like music!

1. Josh and Heather figured at least one of them was going to score backstage with John Tesh.

2. Unfortunately, the band could sense the presence of one audience member who was not ready to rock, and refused to perform.

3. The traditional burning of the American flag always brings the crowd to their feet at the ACLU's annual convention.

4. Inevitably, some liberals whined that Texas was making too much spectacle out of the death penalty, but hey, free beachball.

5. "Ein volk! Ein Reich! Ein volk! Ein Reich!" Hillary's campaign rallies take a sinister turn.

6. Attack of the Little Rabbit Foo-Foo's was one of the cheapest B-Movies ever made.

7. The addition of the first non-Asian to the Science Olympiad Team is a cause for celebration at Kenwood High School.

8. The Dixie Chicks' "America Sucks" Tour plays to a sell-out crowd in Berkeley.

Photo Source:

Detroit News Photoblog

Might As Well.. Jump!

1. "Jenny's being raptured! Hold her down!"

2. "Hey, I think it's cool that celebrities show up to our recitals... even if it is just Gary Glitter and Jerry Seinfeld."

3. A young Johnny Weir practices the form that will bring him to the Olympics.

4. As her small town was deep in "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live" country, Young Jenny's levitation sealed her doom.

5. "We know one of you girls has been sniffing glue, and somehow, we're going to find out who."

6. Another poor performer is weeded out of the 'Sith Lord Academy of Dance.'

7. "Pssst, who's the dyke in the dark blue knickers?"

8. "Ballet? This is dwarf-tossing. Prepare to go into orbit, you pony-tailed freak."

9. "Jenny, your hands are so warm and strong. Meet me in the shower after rehearsal."

10. "Yeah, ballet sucks, but 'Pole Dancing' was waitlisted, so this is what we're stuck with."

Credit: John T. Greilick, Detroit News Photoblog

Boyz in the Hood, Yo

1. My current staff: SP - Buehrle, Lackey, Haren, Westbrook, Seo, Bannister, Liriano; RP - Turnbow and K Escobar; Bench - Cabrera. h2h league. I have the 3rd waiver priority, and I plan to use it on Davis. Who would you drop? (I have no idea what I just stole transcribed from Fantasy Baseball - lgp)

2. Let this booger represent the 24th Panzer Division.

3. Hmm, are you sure that invisible pen is working?

4. Look, I'm telling ya, my flea just did a double back flip with a 1 & 1/2 twist in the pike position!

5. If young Bobby Darin would just quit "movin and a grovin" we could get some work done.

Funny enough to post right now: Submariner said...
V. the K.'s crack substitutes select today's "Best of" entries.

Guy Eating Lettuce In Front of Chick with a Guitar

1. Goofus eats the BK Meat'Nornormous sandwich. Gallant eats a healthy salad.

2. "I gave my love a chicken...that had no bone..."

3. George Bush doesn't care about lettuce-eating, pencil-necked fashion refugees.

4. Did someone say "FREEBIRD!"?

5. I know it costs more, but a salad always tastes better when it's hand-tossed.

6. "The words are really easy, you can all sing along, it's 'So I say I gotta be me, So I say I gotta be free.' "

7. You've gotta tell them! Soylent Green is people!

8. Quick, a show of hands: Who secretly wishes they were married to a hot sexy lesbian?

9. “The people of Namibia need your fondue sets. Please. Just reach up into your top shelves and dust them off.”

10. For the record, Ted Nugent would have a MUCH LOUDER guitar and WAY MORE MEAT in his dinner.

Another Blasty From the Pasty

1. Udder than than, can we show you anything else?

2. Paris and Nicole living a very simple life.

3. Quit posing. You want this picture to end up in Playboy? Button up your shirt!

4. Beautiful day and we've got chores to do. Isn't this just swill!

5. Psst, the frat party's in the barn. Yeah, a real "Animal House."

Bust of Submariner
"We must, we must, we must increase our bust." After seeing Rocky IV, Doris and Thelma knew that the old ways worked wonders.

Girls of Oshkosh, b'gosh!

Best of Anonymous (Rodney Dill)
"We're ready with your enema Mr. Moore."

Brokeback Farm

"Help us with the chores and smell our dairy air."

Best of divine miss m
After annoying millions of TV watchers for years, the Doublemint Twins retired to the family farm and lived off residuals.

Best of prince of leaves
It was only after they had finished with the milking that Farmer Nelson informed the city girls that they had gone to the bull barn by mistake.

Jared Loses It

Hat Tip: CJ

Top Questions To Ask Yourself Before Buying Burger King's New Meat'Normous Sandwich.

1. How dangerous is four-digit cholesterol?

2. Am I comfortable using the word "meat'normous?"

3. Do I have $3.49 and a death wish?

4. Is that bigger than meat'gantic?

5. Does a massive coronary qualify as "having it my way?"

6. Is this gonna spoil my breakfast dessert?

7. Should I ask my doctor about Lipitor?

8. Why do I have to sign a waiver?

9. Can I get it with egg whites?

10. Did Cheney like it?

Best of Dwight the troubled Teen:
"Why the third world hates us." - Exhibit One

Best of attmay:
Is this guy gunning for Garfield the cat's job?

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell:
Andrew Sullivan was enraged upon learning that the picture of "lots of meat, brown rings, a large thumb, and sauce on the mouth" wasn't quite what he had envisioned.

Best of rodney dill:
"Dang it, I said I wanted a Diet Pepsi with this."

Best of Submariner:
Andrew Sullivan took one look at the picture and said; "I know just where to put that thumb, and I have just the thing to plug that pie-hole..."

Here at the Colon-Blow Cafe, we pride ourselves on meeting 100% of the RDA for roughage in every sandwhich.

Best of David Simon:
"I agree that a slacker slob isn't an ideal choice for our new spokesman, but he sure beats the tar out of that effeminate pedophile we used to have," explained Pepsi's CEO.

Best of (the always original) catbat:
"man, look at the way the light from the new sandwich bar reflects off my unicorn figurine collection. thumbs up."

Best of andthenblammo!:
Better keep that thumb handy, Junior, for when those onion rings start echoing along Mr. Large Intestine......

Best of cyberludite:
Hey, how'd this guy end up with my breakfast? (And what's lettuce doing on there?)

Best of T. Harris:
After cutting the kid out of view, Michael Moore had a new favorite whack-off pic.

Eraserheads

From the Washington Post Best of Ought-Five photo collection. Fair Use! Standard disclaimer always applies. Neener! Neener! Neener!

1. We Used to Be Devo.

2. What the justices of the Supreme Court do when nobody's looking.

3. Barristers in British courts finally ditch the powdered wigs and get on with a new and improved 21st century image.

4. A minimalist staging of the play "Steel Magnolias."

5. "And...Clayton, Sidney, Jugdish, Mohammed, Lonnie...."

6. Detroit Lions fans line up incognito to buy 2006/2007 season tickets.

7. "Okay, class, everybody sit down, put on the smocks and helmets, keep your hands to yourselves, and for chrissakes, this time don't anyone lick the windows."

8. Hey big guy, nice fez ya got there.

9. The man told us to sit here and the potatoes would be forthcomin'.

10. A little-known -- but equally disturbed -- offshoot of the Heaven's Gate cult is actually still waiting for the spaceship that's supposedly following Comet Hale-Bopp.

Best of Silhouette:
Gals at the Marge Simpson Beauty Salon wait for their turn in the paint booth.

"I hate it when the sheik wants to go bowling."

Best of Jeff:
Dan Ackroyd and Jane Curtin have a lot to answer for.

John Kerry's emergency "position adjusting" eraser supply.

Best of Mr. Right:
After the National Safety Council ruled they were unsafe, schools all over the country were forced to file the points off of their dunce caps.

Best of Sonicfrog:
Remember when Ginsburg passed out on the bench? Well, pictures have surfaced confirming, on the night in question, she was not the only Supreme Court Justice at the paralegals' party.

Best of critical Matt:
The Phi Grabba Brew pledges were looking forward to the end of hell week.

Best of prince of leaves:
The Fresno chapter of the Society for Creative Orongoism performs their annual Ahu Nau Nau reenactment.

Best of Submariner:
As Grand Poobah, I call to order this special meeting of the Water Buffalo Lodge. Where's Flinstone?

One of the results of exceeding the "one drink maximum" and using a trash can for that drink...

Best of Walstib:
Sub, Cyber, Rufus, Prince of Leaves, David Simon, Rodney and WALSTIB patiently await the return of V the K. (Although we do like the increased frequency of the "Best Of")

Plastic Surgery Disasters

1. Regis Philbin wins the inaugural Alfred E. Neuman look-alike contest.

2. Could you repeat the compliment? I'm all ears.

3. VtheK accepting an honorary doctorate at the Botox Institute.

4. When a bad hair day turns nasty.

5. Ouch, that must have hurt.

6. The syringe that took down King Kong.

Target of My Mockery: Telegraph-dot-co-dot-UK

Best of Silhouette
The new ad campaign for Viagra was subtle.

Best of The Man
Behold, the new Barry Bonds statue in Giants stadium.

Best of Jason
Minister Farrakhan makes another 'Kill Whitey' speech.

Best of attmay
Compared to Michael Jackson's past plastic surgeries, this one is an improvement.

Best of Submariner
This is Bob. Bob's had one of those "erections lasting longer than 4 hours" since he was a beta tester for Viagra. (Now you know why you "...should seek medical attention...")

Best of Rodney Dill
I guess Ross Perot did sow some wild oats.

Best of GOP & College
When asked why Jane married a man with such big ears, a big nose, big feet, and big hands, all she said was, "Well, you know what they say..."

Nun of Your Beeswax

Something wholesome for Sunday...

1. "I am your substitute teacher, Sr. Mary Elephant. Class? Class?"

2. Despite the age difference and the holy vows, there, in the refrigerated aisle, in front of the pastrami, their eyes met, and they just knew.

3. Hey, they're all pink in the middle, right?

4. Backstage with the Sisters of Mercy wasn't quite what Jonathan expected.

5. "That's okay, I have a confession too, my son. My name's Phillip and I'm on my way to a costume party."

6. The Piggly-Wiggly/Carmelite Sisters of the Divine Heart of Jesus Chevy Monte Carlo was a big hit with NASCAR fans everywhere.

7. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

8. Come to think of it, the whole world has been going to hell in a handbasket ever since David Lee Roth left Van Halen.

9. "Okay, one more round of 'Kumbaya' and then you have to go back to the group home."

10. Today, the Catholic Church unveiled its new policy: "Don't ask, don't confess."

Best of prince of leaves:
ORA: On a secret mission to Earth, a disguised Anla'Shok Lennier meets with one of Brother Edward's contacts in a safe, public venue.

Best of attmay:
Safeway Players Present: "The Sound of Music"

Starring the Deli Lady as Maria von Trapp and the Cash Register Guy as The Captain

Best of Rufus Leaking:
"Ok, just this once, but don't get in the habit."

"Nuns are 'married to Christ'. This is my son from my first marriage."

Best of David Simon:
"Fine, go ahead and judge me. But if you were given the choice to elimidate Cindy Sheehan, Lorena Bobbitt or this broad, what would you do?"

Best of Submariner:
Sure and begorrah, that's not how to be tossin' your salad, Ian Kennedy. I'll be showin' you proper again, but only one more time...

I've got the maraschinos, Patrick. Be a good boy; get a can of ReadiWhip and meet me in the lot. No one ever needs to know about you and Father Roy.

Religious Studies/Philosophy 101 Mid-Term:
Q1 - If a nun farts in a produce aisle with no Catholic around - will she make a confession?

Jobs Adults Won't Do

Best of Lyn
You are now free to move about the, uh, terminal.

Billy, the youngest TSA agent, knows contraband when he sees it.

Best of Sonicfrog
LOOK! A Terrorist! GET HIM!!!!!!!

Best of Prince of Leaves
Tyler was startled to see the platoon of TSA agents descending on him and his "suspicious packages", when right behind him, some guy was dropping off two surface-to-air missiles as checked baggage.

Constantly being mistaken for an "unaccompanied minor" was only one of the reasons Roger hated to fly.

Best of Submariner
Whatchasay, toots? Wanna join the "Mile High Club" on the way to Fresno?

From the Washington Post Best of Ought-Five photo collection. Fair Use! Standard disclaimer always applies. Neener! Neener! Neener!

He's a Loser Baby, So, Why Don't You Kill Him?

Hat Tip: Sondra the K.

1. "Heh, heh, heh, hey Beavis, check out the dork! Heh, heh, heh, heh."

2. His parents will later sit him down and say, "Son, this is difficult to talk about. We want you to know, it's nothing you did. It's nothing we did. And we still love you. But son...you're white."

3. The aluminum foil dollar sign keeps the alien radio signals from messing with his intestines.

4. V the K prepares for a wild night in the 'hood.

5. Never. Been Laid.

6. Howie was disappointed to discover that his "Big Willie's Big Pimpin' Costume" looked so much better in the picture on the box.

7. Voted "Most Likely to Wind Up with a 'Kick Me!' Sign on His Back" in high school.

8. His attire may say hip hop, but his breath still says pepperoni pizza.

9. In an effort to fit in, Joel reluctantly ditches the beloved mullet and gets on with his next "look."

10. "Yeah, I'm in a band. We're really big in Belgium."

Best of Zeke:
Moments later a gang of elderly white ladies beat him up for the crime of existing.

Best of Silhouette:
Prince William's costume just didn't get the same press as Harry's.

Best of Rodney Dill:
Ok, so William Hung wasn't the worst.

"Yes you can have a tattoo, just no more harlequin paint."

Best of Prince of Leaves:
Too old for his parents' insurance coverage despite still living in their basement, Jason had to turn to pimpin' to raise the money for the operation on his adenoids.

Best of Cyberludite:
This is someone with a great future in the food service industry. (Helping to hide salami, tossing salads...)

Best of Walstib:
Hi, my name is Josh, is this where I sign up for ESL - Ebonics as a Second Language?

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell:
"For the last time, Brad...your name is NOT Be-Rad!"

Yo, Mr. VtK! I'm yo daughter's prom date! My name's Prouge...

Cinema Friday In Absentia

From Mr. Cranky

1. "I read that it's good for the cuticles."

2. "Oh, no, here comes Michael Moore; quick, hide the sandwiches!"

3. Debbie Does Doodie.

4. Emboldened by reading about other cultures, Laurie indulges in "matters of the left hand."

5. Insert blonde-with-dirty-toilet joke here: _________________.

6. Brokebowel Mountain.

7. Insomnia and prune danish, it's a lethal combination.

8. The grafitti reads, "Sphincter Boy Was Here! And here! And here...."

8. "I'll take 'Places I Wouldn't Stick My Hand In On a Bet' for $1,000, Alex."

9. "Don't worry, Cindy, we'll pretend this never happened. You know, like the time we got drunk and went down on each other."

10. The scene that inspired Shakespeare to write, "France is a dog hole, and it no more merits the tread of a man's foot."

Best of AM42:
This must be why they never showed the toilet on The Brady Bunch.

Ted Kennedy's housekeeper just doesn't get paid nearly enough.

Where will you be when your laxative starts working?

Best of T. Harris:
"Oh my God Larry, you were right! Helen Thomas was the last one to use this toilet. I just found her press pass. And some corn."

Best of Jeff:
Are you kidding? Do you realize how much Sprint will charge me for a new phone?!?

Best of Rodney Dill:
"Sorry dear, I'll remember to put the seat down next time."

"Outta my way, it was $1 Burrito night at Taco Bell."

Best of Cyberludite:
This week on Fear Factor: Debbie is given a choice between going on a date with a random Caption This! regular or digging around a disgusting toilet!

Best of Bubbe:
All service stations are the same.

A Couple a Pansies

1. If you build it, I will come.

2. Are you telling me I need VtheK's approval before I post this picture? He's on vacation. He'll never know.

3. SGM? I don't know, I bought it at Goodwill.

4. Dang! Dad's getting bald. I hope I don't go that route.

Best of Anonymous
My, how Hot Chick Thursday has been watered down in this age of gender equality.

(Note: VtheK is not to blame for the absence of a weekly favorite. He's away and two impersonators have hijacked his blog. But don't blame us either, I think he lined up the Babushka to be this week's Hot Chick!)

Best of Submariner
The house is nice, son, but these blueprints were for an Illudium Q-38 Space Demodulator.

Son, get the chain saw - there's a wall right there that needs to be taken out...

Son's thought bubble: "Yeah, dad, you're talking real tough now. But I saw how you wimped out with ma when you tried to pull your "Soprano's" act with her..."

Best of Rodney Dill
"220, 221 whatever it takes."

Best of WALSTIB
SGM stands for Single Gay Male?? Get outa here before I kick your fruity a$$ through the wall!

Best of catbat
"Man, look at the way the light from the new breakfast nook reflects off my unicorn figurine collection. Thumbs up."

Babushka

1. Ol'ga Babushka realizes too late that she optioned off her mineral rights to Yukos Oil.

2. Just another day of redtape for contestants in the new hit show, Former Soviet Idols.

3. "P.S. Aren't you glad I was given something other than toilet paper to write on this time? Sincerely, Your Son Ivan, Gulag City, Siberia."

4. The real Babushka Lady is finally discovered. And subpoenaed.

5. Government List of Approved and Prohibited Activities - Rule Number 902: All soup must contain beets.

6. Government List of Penalties for Breaking Rule Number 902 - Number 844: No borscht for you!

Target of My Mockery: Telegraph-dot-co-dot-UK

Best of Rodney Dill
INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR OBTAINING A NO. 2 PENCIL -- (please fill out with a No. 2 pencil only)

In writing War and Peace Tolstoy was going for the big laugh, but the more he wrote the more elusive it became.

Best of Submariner
Afghani's learn one of the lesser "blessings of freedom" when they receive their 2006 Income Tax Forms in the mail.

Having finished filling out her eHarmony questionairre, she who is destined to be Prough91's real "ideal match" prepares to post.

The Vogon request form for toilet paper was somewhat disconcerting at the best of times. When you have the runs...

Best of Dusty
Helen Thomas laments over all the questions she never got to ask Pres. Bush during his last press conference.

Best of WALSTIB
Sequence Continuation Format Error on line 14,907??!! That's it! I'm done with Fortran!

Best of attmay
An assistant struggles with Michael Moore's grocery list.

Best of Mr. Right
Somewhere in the Heartland of America, Monday, April 17, 2006: If you have any additional income listed on Line 41b, Part C (loose change found in couch cushions) you must attach Form 1022y and file a 322/j Stated Unearned Tertiary Third-Party Non-Farming Textile Industry Windfall Interest Income Exemption Report as outlined in Section 545, Part K (See Page 219,533 of the U.S. Tax Code for further instructions). IMPORTANT NOTE: Failure to comply is a Class A Felony and may result in significant financial penalties and/or jail time...

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
Olga wept as she examined her philandering hubby's cell phone bill.

Best of Cybrludite
I assure you, Mrs. Buttle, the Ministry is very scrupulous about following up and eradicating any error. If you have any complaints which you'd like to make, I'd be more than happy to send you the appropriate forms.

And Now a Little Something for... I Don't Wanna Know Who

1. Note to self: Never get drunk and pass out cold at Lambda Lambda Lambda ever again.

2. "Thag, take napkin. Got mammoth on thigh."

3. Little did anyone know that Andrew Sullivan was secretly working with the military to develop a Mardi Gras camoflauge uniform.

4. That kid who ate boogers and paste is now 35 and just as pathetic as he was when you used to steal his lunch money.

5. Harlequin with tighty-whities, are you mad??!

6. "Turn your head and cough."

7. White shoes would match better, but it's not yet Memorial Day; think anyone will notice?

8. Brokeback Pierrot.

9. "Good, keep them closed, then spin around three times and see if you can Pin the Tool on the Fool."

10. Just. Plain. Wrong.

Hat tip: Sondra K

Best of Cyberludite:
Reason number #3289 to never make bizzare bets with your buddies over the outcome of a football game.

Best of Submariner:
Make sure to paint "me" to the top of my knee. I going trolling for a smelly pirate hooker later.

Geoff? Are you sure Fabio got started this way?

Best of Rodney Dill:
"Jees Rodney, There's gotta be an easier way to appear in VtheK's caption contest."

"So you're sure this paint is water soluable?"
"As far as you know."

And just as suddenly, Emmit Kelly was only the world's second saddest clown.

Best of Lyn:
What mountain did you climb again while vacationing in Oahu? Oh, Diamond (Broke) Back!

Best of prince of leaves:
"Forget stripes, Jerry...argyle is so much more slimming on a flabby pot-belly like yours!"

Getting ready for the Harlequin Romance Cover-Model Competition, with a box of poster paints, a pair of whitie-tighties, and no clue.

Best of am42:
Thought somewhat surprised to see this photo posted on the internet, VtheK always knew that his checked past would someday come back to haunt him.

Best of Silhouette:
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

Best of The Man:
VtheK's first day at his new job went off without a hitch.

Best of Jeff:
Before getting a job on NCIS as Agent McGee, Sean Murray had a more interesting job.

Blasty from the Pasty

1. How does Darlene know that Betsy was using the computer? There's Wite-Out® on the screen.

2. A young Uhura practices her 10-key in preparation for entrance into Starfleet Academy.

3. Alright, ladies, quit kidding around. Get back in the kitchen where you belong.

4. Yes, could you give me the number for 9-1-1?

5. Relegated to server status, HAL 1000 vows one day to rule the office.

H/T: Lileks

Best of Cybrludite (Check out the Audio Caption Theme as well)
Hello, tech support? Yes, who's Colonel Panic and what is he doing to our workstation?

Darlene, tech support says to check in C:\winnt\sys32 for a file called ROFL.SYS. If that's there, then we've been hit with kelvir_cw & need to shut that system off. (Yep. This virus is so nasty & adaptive, it can travel through time to infect a machine...)

Best of Alabama
Computers of the future: Betsy's laptop also served as a nice lil portable microwave.

Best of Shayne
Before hitting it big with "Rock Lobster", the B-52's worked at IBM.

Best of Submariner
Hello.Professor.Want.To.Play.A.Game?
How about "Global Thermo-Nuclear War?"

Debbie: "Bill? I've entered all 3500 data sets. How do I save this?"
Bill: "Just press the Control, Alt and Delete keys at the same time." >snicker< >snicker< Best of Silhouette
Incredibly, with only 8 computers in the whole wide world to service, Margaret was still on hold with tech support for 45 minutes.

Computers would later get much smaller. Hair, however, would get much bigger before finally peaking in the 1980s (Table 24a).

"Hello, purchasing? Yes, we received the shipment and the two tabletop stations are working well, but the mainframe is only a photograph held to the wall by giant strips of masking tape."

Best of Rodney Dill
"The shipment is for 32 Kilobytes of core memory? That should be plenty for years to come."

"...and this geeky mailroom guy, Bill Gates, keeps saying someday computers will fit in the palm of your hand, what a moron."

Best of jeff
"Internal Revenue Service Helpline, how may I help you?"

Best of divine miss M
The Stepford Secretaries....real people don't have posture this good!

Best of ThatGayConservative
Porn.com, the early years.

"Hey Bill, how do you make the smiley face again?

Best of Sonicfrog
Dateline April 18th, 2006: Cisco a Dummy Corp. The Secret Triumvirate Controlling Traffic of Entire Internet are Revealed.

The Pit

1. "Hey-y-y-y-y-y-y! Macarena!"

2. The Battle of Halitosis versus Armpit Funk is fought to a stalemate.

3. George Michael re-enacts Samson bringing down the walls of the Liquor tent, then goes to a port-a-potty and gets arrested.

4. Unfortunately, Jackie's 'James Brown' impersonation came to a tragic end when he jumped back and kissed himself right into the path of oncoming traffic.

5. "Come on, Dance, Don't Be Shy..."

6. "Dude! How did you manage to tie your jacket sleeves into such a precise depiction of 'meat and two veg?'"

7. As The Boyfriend posed in the Abu Ghraib position, Andrew Sullivan openly pranced with excitement.

8. "Well, the Titan II missile launching in the background probably signals the end of human civilization, so ... um... wanna make out?"

9. "Wow! A conjoined fetal twin protruding from your armipit... that's my fetish!"

10. VodkaPundit was thrilled at the success of his Liquor Monopoly game.

Hat Tip: Racer Guy. Source: Here

Best of Submariner
"Hey big fella - if it's true that 'rubbing's racing' then I'd like to sign up." Andrew's attempt to enter a new career path was short-lived.

Best of Shayne
"I got chills, they're multiplyin'. And I'm looosin control..."

Best of Rodney Dill
"No I ain't tellin' ya where the superglue solvent is."

Brokeback Speedway

Brokeback Speedway - Redux
"I wish I could quit double-clutching you."

Best of Lyn
"Are those chairs saved?"
"No, but they're under conviction."

Best of Radio Free Fred
"You Stole My Brady Bunch Lunch Box And I Want It Back!"

Scenes From a Corporate Sensitivity Presentation

1. "Uh oh, Bill Clinton's headed for the intern pen again, and he's got 'that look' in his eye."

2. "Twinkies? I wanted Zingers, you stupid bitch!" Michael Moore prepares to beat down another personal assistant for her insolence.

3. "Where's my money, ho!" Jermaine had made the successful transition from pimp to middle management, but old habits died hard, and he maintained the office coffee jar with a firm hand.

4. Bill's killing spree would later be traced to getting "I Wanna Love You Tender" stuck in his head.

5. "No, Bill, really. I think your nipple piercing is cool. Um, could you button back up now?"


In honor of my last day at work before moving on to a new employer, this little piece was 'borrowed' from a required corporate on-line course in sexual harassment - V

Best of The Man
Jack Bauer Appreciation Day is not until May 9th, but V the K likes to keep his coworkers on edge by accusing them of being moles and going into a Flank 2 position next to the copier machine.

Best of Rodney Dill
As if Al Franken wasn't scary enough by himself, the office personnel would really panic when confronted by Franken-weinie.

Best of andthenblammo!
"Uh, Arlene. Yeah. It's just that we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports *before* they go out now. So if you could just remember to do that from now on, that'd be great. All right!"

"Ahh, Arlene, I'm going to have to go ahead and ask you to come in on Sunday, too..."

Best of T. Harris
"Hold it right there, Bill. I believe there's been a little misunderstanding. I was just jokin' around when I said that I really enjoyed a good puppet show."

Best of Walstib
"V, I told you before, I don't want to be a 'Thursday Hot Chick'"

Best of Shayne
Damn, Bill. Isn't supposed to be bigger?

Best of Submariner
Look babe, wear Cowboys colors in this Raiders office? 'Best plan on unecessary roughness is all I'm saying...

Sasha found it disconcerting that the ex-pres was always humming "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" in the Harlem office...

Best of Prince of Leaves
"These are not the chi-chis you're looking for! These are not the chi-chis you're looking for!"
Desperate to avoid yet another of his unwanted advances, Sheila attempts a Jedi Mind Trick on Bob's 'lesser brain'.

Best of Attmay
Lakesha was dumbstruck as she saw her longtime co-worker begin his transformation into The Hulk.

Best of Anonymous
Shaniqua says, "Excuse me, did you just say you were a student at Duke?

Canine Americana

1. "Hot damn! We eat tonight!"

2. Don't rush, folks. There's plenty of lesbian and bestiality captions to go around.

3. "Yup, the poor thing crawled across the street with its legs and spine broken and its entrails hanging out, just so it could die in your arms. Well, Happy Easter!"

4. "Well, girl, you run yourself a crack house, you gotta get yourself a pit bull."

5. "Those customs guys fell for the Seeing Eye Dog gambit once again. Well, let's cut him open and get those heroin balloons."

6. "Starve him in the back shed for a few days, then when your husband's passed out drunk again, tie a pork chop to his wang and turn him loose." Lorena Bobbitt, Marriage Counselor-at-Large Sundays on A&E.

From the usual place where Americana flows like water from the Jordan.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"Mmmmm...puppies! The other, OTHER white meat! Get in mah belly!"

Best of WhoopsieDaisey
Y'see, Charlene? He likes it. Start with the peanut butter on your fingers...

Best of Submariner
Well, honey; back on the farm we checked if a cows was expectin' by reachin' up her hoo-hoo-dilly. S'pose we could do the same for Lady Jane...

Rising Cow

1. Early tests of the missile defense laser system were not successful.

2. Barbara Mikulski is returned to pasture after a much-needed anal probe.

3. Bessie walks toward the light as the rest of her is ground into low-grade Happy Meal patties.

4. "Now we know their weakness. Tell the world how to bring those bastards down."

5. Unfortunately, after clearing the moon, the cow burned up on re-entry.

Source: Cowabduction-dot-com

Best of JAINPHX
Hillery saw her signal and sprang into action. Thank God for super heros!

Best of Anonymous (Prince of Leaves)
Milk -- It does a bodysnatcher good.

Best of Rodney Dill
Elsie was successfully retrieved from the backward planet by employing the Tractor beam.

As a Quantum Physicist, Elsie was outstanding in her field.

Best of Lyn
"Look, if the transmission we picked up keeps insisting 'Don't have a cow' then they must be hiding something."

Best of Divine Miss M
Note to self: Next time, don't eat Ben & Jerry's until after I've peaked.

Best of Submariner
In space, no one can hear you "moo."

Hillary Clinton meets Steven Spielburg...

Best of sonicfrog
Hmmm. Turns out that naming our galaxy "The Milky Way" was no mere coincidence.

Best of bad-d-d-dude
"I see...a bad moo on the rise"

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
The Martians decided to ignore Bessie's advice to "Eat Mor Chikin!"

Best of T. Harris
Unfortunately for cows throughout the universe, alien spacecraft are powered by methane gas.

Wakka Chikka Wakka Chikka

1. Bad: Remaking Rocky Horror Picture Show. Really bad: Casting Josh Hartnett as Rocky and Morgan Freeman as Frankenfurter.

2. "Young man, tell me more of your harrowing escape from Barney Frank's basement."

3. "Well, young man, maybe I have the keys to the handcuffs and maybe I don't. You'll have to get on your knees to find out."

4. "This one will do nicely. Have him shaved and brought to my tent."

5. Morgan Freeman prepares to enjoy his usual lunch of cottage cheese smeared across the chest of a Sunset Boulevard rent boy.

Best of Submariner
Hmmm, ye-essss. This appears to be exactly what Justice Ginzburg ordered... Send it in.

I'm glad you could come, Prince Namor. The Montana seems to be ... missing ... and we need her found.

Best of Divine miss M
Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?

The Brokeback Redemption.

Best of Vagrant
Parade rest, you!

Best of David Simon
"My eyes are up here Mr. Freeman. I may be fresh white meat, but I'm still a person."

"And the best feature of my jockstrap briefs, is that you can insert your butt plug without taking them off.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Your name will be Toby."

Best of sonicfrog
Well, just look at you. I've been around Hollywood a long, long time. I've worked with many a fine, hot young prospect. Hell, I've been God on screen so many times I'm inclined to believe I am, so don't doubt what I tell you. And sir, as I, I mean God is my witness, I can tell you with the utmost certainty.... You are no Hollywood Hunk!!!

Dammit fellas! When I said I liked my meat to be white and lean, I was talking about turkey. TURKEY!!! Not this!

Best of prince of leaves
After nearly ten years as Secretary General, you'd think the French peacekeeper battalions would know my taste in kickbacks better than to send me this...

Back to Cinema Friday with Mr Cranky

Shakes on a Plane

1. TSA strip searches may have crossed a line.

2. Andrew Sullivan is furious that his vintage P-40 may be contaminated with 'girl cooties.'

3. Back in the 40's, flight crews were larger, bustier, and didn't get all bitchy when you called them 'stewardess.'

4. This part of Flight Attendant training weirded out the new recruits. "Why is the photographer's gay assistant demonstrating how to fake an orgams?"

5. Inadvertantly, the photographer's gay assistant was giving the flight line gesture for 'Start the propeller.' The carnage was unspeakable.

6. Miss North Carolina Pageant winners will become Carolina Panther cheerleaders. Losers will become the property of the Duke Lacrosse Team.

7. Only when the photographer's gay assistant unzipped his jeans and whipped out 'Little Andrew' did he get the right expressions from the stewardesses.

Best of Jason
Mom?

Best of Submariner
FABulous girls! OK, bring in the goats and we'll roll tape...

The 1948 US Women's Olympic Swimming Team no longer appears to be synchronized...

Best of Rodney Dill
"No no no this is all wrong, I didn't want smelly pilot hookers."

Dang uppity runway models

Things did not get really exciting until Big Ernie attempted an Immelman.

Best of ThatGayConservative
I'll have what he's having.

Best of sonicfrog
As per the signing bonus negotiated by Sullivan to work for Time, he finally got to stage an authentic WW2 chorus line.


Hat Tip: Renna
Sourceage: Tom Tingle/The Arizona Republic http://www.azcentral.com/photo/

Brought to you by the "Save-A-Ho" Foundation

1. I'd say Urkel's sex-change was a spectacular success.

2. If this is from a typical Hollywood action movie, I'm guessing she's playing the world's foremost nuclear physicist.

3. Get the door! It's your cliched p0rn movie pizza delivery whore.

4. But, the Giantess just swooped the Pershing missile out of midair and picked her perfect teeth with it.

5. "You need some 'dictation' Senator Clinton? All right, I'll lock the door and take off my panties."

6. "Why them's the biggest shiniest headlights since the 1934 Dusenberg."

7. And then Andrew Sullivan woke up. "My God what a horrible dream. She was wearing white pumps with that top."

8. "Well, ma'am, your credentials are excellent, but we've decided to go with a Bush-Hating Anti-War Activist to replace Katie Couric."

9. "OK, sweetie, in this next scene, the naughty librarian has to administer stern punisment to a customer with 69 overdue books. The line is, 'I'm going to lick your bookworm.'"

10. Kandee sued Bausch and Lomb after the eye fungus scandal forced her to wear glasses and she lost 40% of her clientele who thought she had gone intellectual on them."

Best of the man
"Hi, I am here for the Duke Lacrosse party."

Best of silhouette
Sometimes a pen is just a pen.

Best of submariner
There are 43 man-made items in this picture; Chloe's hair color is the gimme.

Buttons by Titan Fasteners® When you absolutely, positively need to handle the strain.

Good afternoon, Mr. Nichols. Of course you can stay here for a while, but you have to let me read my Bible to you...

Best of sonicfrog
The very nearly pulled off the "Smart Blonde" charade.... that was, until she tried to eat the bic pen!

How About a Little KISS

1. "As soon as the goat arrives, the world's bizarrest orgy may commence."

2. Still not as creepy as the all midget GWAR cover band.

3. They can rock and roll all night and party every day, but you have to bring the booster chair.

4. Yes, sex, drugs, and rock and roll will stunt your growth and in extreme cases, even reverse it.

5. Despite creative marketing, the sport of dwarf-tossing still did not enjoy a revival.

6. The Ozfest Tour lowers its standards.

7. Paul Stanley followed Michael Jackson's example in hiding his children's identities from the public.

8. When they guys in the chat room swore they were "14 inches," Lolita and Tanqueray had expected something completely different.

Best of Submariner
"Send your girl a little Kiss on Feb. 14th." Worst.Marketing.Campaign.Ever.

Best of The Man
You must be this tall to cover KISS songs.

Best of jeff
Man, I knew I'd get flashbacks from the LSD in the 70s... but this is too weird, man.

Dwarf KISS - making people who dress up for Sci-Fi conventions look normal.

Best of Rodney Dill
After one fan said, "Throw me a Kiss," Dwarf tossing was reinvented all over again.

Best of catbat
miniature 80s rock bands for rent weekly or daily, you say? sure, i'll take tiny warrant up through tuesday, please.

Best of Cybrludite
We represent the Rohypnol Guild, the Rohypnol Guild, the Rohypnol Guild...

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"And now, the 'E! True Hollywood Story: Where Are They Now?' follows up with the original Jawa actors from Star Wars. As you can see, 19 years of not being able to capitalize off of their silver screen stardom took its toll...but they finally found gainful employment!"

Best of Divine miss M
Halloween is always a memorable day for Mr. Wilson's third grade special-ed class.

Best of attmay
During the Oompa Loompa strike of '76, Willy Wonka hired scabs such as these to work his chocolate factory.

Best of ThatGayConservative
NO! We need mini Pink Floyd for this production of Dark Side of the Rainbow

Best of Lyn
"In ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn of history, an ancient race of people... the Druids. No one knows who they were or what they were doing..."

A Vivid Riot of Red

1. Once again, Vatican Community College's "Sketching Naked Altar Boys" class is full to capacity and waitlisted.

2. "... til the one day when the bishop met this cardinal/and they knew that it was much more than a hunch..."

3. "Click on the hat doesn't match! Win dinner at Olive Garden!" the Vatican resorts to annoying pop-up ads in a desperate bid to increase membership.

4. For sketching a picture of two African-American women surrounded by Old Navy bags, Cardinal Dougherty would be expelled from the college of cardinals.

5. "I swear by the Virgin Mother, if one more of these dumb white crackers comes up to me and says, 'Hey, Cardinal Mobuto, are the legends true,' I am gonna bust a cap in his honkey ass."

6. ORA --- "So, sit bolt upright in that straightback chair and get ready for some difficult listening..."

7. Alitalia overbooks coach again.

8. You can't see them, but Cardinal Mulroney has accessorized his outfit with a smashing pair of red f***-me pumps and a matching handbag.

9. "Hey, did I tell you guys about the time I walked into a bar with a rabbi..."

10. "Ia! Ia! Shub-Niggurath the Black Goat of the woods with thousand young!!"

Best of jeff
Because he forgot his red robe and wore a poofy hat, Cardinal Strewzlek was forced to sit in the back corner.

Nobody dared ask why they all had towels in their laps.

Best of Submariner
The "Vatican Dining Chair Brigade" really wowed the crowds at the 2006 Mummer's Parade. They also scored massive points from the judges with their perfect, synchronized sitting formations.

Cardinal Seth Goldbergstein (D - Israel), finding it impossible to give up all ties to his childhood religious practises, continues to wear his yarmulke to events, bringing much derision from the other old birds...

Great! That's just great; you finally wear it with the hammer and sickle in the front and then sit with your backs to the crowd?

Best of The Man
The guy on the bottom left then dropped his robe exposing the "GoldenPalace.com" scrawled across his chest.

Best of Silhouette
So, when the new Pope comes in, we'll all turn our chairs around and face the back of the class... (tee hee hee)

When Richard Gere's Monsignor became an unexpected cult movie classic, legions of fans would come to midnight showings dressed as their favorite character.

"And there's no reason to throw out your garbage when you order take-out. You can turn your chinese food boxes into hats and the pizza box into nice chairbacks. It's a holy thing." Martha Stewart redecorates the Vatican.

Best of Rodney Dill
I'd like Cardinal Richelieu on the diagonal to block.

Best of Divine Miss M
So then I told two friends, and THEY told two friends, and so on, and so on...

Best of Submariner
I call this meeting of the Red Hat Society to order. First order of business: We need to set some kind of call-ahead plan, ladies. We don't all want to show up in the same dress again, hmmm? ('Cept you, Rosie. I see you back there in that sweet little black number...)

Were you listening to me, Neo? Or were you looking at the cross-dressers in their red dresses?

Best of radio free fred
Vatican Builds Giant Holy Coaster

Best of Occasional Reader

"I will not touch altar boys
I will not touch altar boys
I will not touch altar boys"

[school bell rings]
[they all jump on their skateboards]



Target of My Mockery: Telegraph-dot-co-dot-UK

Watch Out, Jimmuh Cahtuh

1. "Run away! Run away!"

2. "... and so, by the power vested in me by the Supreme Court of Massachussetts."

3. "Mr. Bonds? Looks like Fluffers got into your stash."

4. And then, to the children's horror, Elmer Fudd skinned and gutted Bugs Bunny.

5. Baal would be pleased by Earl's sacrifice, and grant him long life and dominion over his enemies.

6. "Are you sure about this, Mr. Gere?"


Emailed to me by Critical Matt.

Weekend Americana --- Brought to you by PanelingWorld

1. "Expand my consciousness in a zillion directions at once? Cool, Dr. Leary, how do I get started?"

2. "So, are you a chick or a dude? The split on Tradesports is 50-50 right now."

3. The psychic lamp waited patiently. It's time would come.

4. Former Circuit Party Rave Queen Kendra O'Donald lectures a recovery group on the dangers of mixing Propel, vodka, ecstasy and anti-freeze. She's 24 years old.

5. Attendees at the town hall forum were shocked when Nancy Pelosi's botox suddenly expired and she returned to her natural form.

6. Amanda could scarcely contain her arousal. Sure, Helen Thomas was dreamy, but her older sister was too hot for words.

7. "Sorry, dear, I had some Taco Bell on the way over."

Best of Fish-Lips
"Sorry, Ms. Van Susteren. I was wrong. You do have something between your ears... a slack jawed expression of idiocy."

Best of Submariner
Really Auntie Pat, you can't possibly expect me to believe you put your arms around Teddy Kennedy and had them touch!

Cindy was disturbed when granny started playing canasta with imaginary cards. But when she shouted "Sh!t - Lost again!" and began to strip. the revulsion got her past it...

Cindy, why don't you just sit back and let me tell you the story of my youth as a smelly pirate hooker...

Best of Carla
I'm sorry, but Mr. Clinton requires his interns' breasts to be at least this big.

Best of prince of leaves
"I don't know, Nana -- if it was a kidney you needed, well, okay, but a share of my lifeforce...?"

"Well, Paula, if you think your run-in with Bill Clinton was bad, let me tell you about the time I was ass-groped by Woodrow Wilson!"

Best of David Simon
Valerie Solanas converses with Andy Warhol in happier times.

"Andrew Sullivan did show up to our poker game, but he ran out screaming about pine panelling."

"Come now, granny. The wool plaid shirt, the butch haircut. Do you really think those Lee press-ons are fooling anyone?"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yes Etta, I knew you were a man."

Best of attmay
Linda was appalled that her grandma would still be telling racist jokes in this day and age.

The family was absolutely agape as Grandma described her plans for getting breast implants.


The same place most of the Americana comes from.

Weekend Americana for 04.08.2006

1. "Unfortunately, the peaceful town was located in a valley below a highly unstable dam. Bwah-ha-ha-ha."

2. "Cruel, yes. But cheaper than spaying."

3. Bored with married life, Mrs. Narcissus builds a koi pond.

4. "Guess you weren't a witch after all. Sorry, Sis."

5. "A piranha pond bordered with catnip. Zoey, you're a genius."

Best of prince of leaves
Susan Smith learns a marketable skill while in prison.

This water smells funny. And what's this? An ankle?

Best of Critical Matt
The Liliputians never had a chance once Chloe was let loose.

Best of White Knight
Hmmmm...cold beer and magic "shrooms" all from the same pond!

Best of nevergrewup
"Look my turd still floats, and not a kernal of corn missing, even after going over the waterfall."

Best of Fish-Lips
The wife every man craves but is afraid to admit to - a purveyor of botanical-zoological products... everything from mildly deranging mushrooms to wildly hallucinogenic live toads sold in breeding pairs.

Best of Jason
Sure, it looks clean there. But they don't show you the people pooping just upstream.

Rock garden my ass. These things haven't grown no matter how much I've watered them.

Best of Cybrludite
Hmmn, the bubbles haven't stopped. I guess I'll have to hold Kos' head under a bit longer...

Best of Submariner
Teddy sent Mary Jo to check the depth of water at the Chappaquiddick Bridge the day before the "accident."

Best of Anonymous
Lileks finally gets his water feature working.

Best of radio free fred
Branch Water And Bourbon , Ted Kennedy Must Be Stopping By?


The Usual Source of Americana.

Sci-Fi Friday (II)

1. "That's why they're called 'silent but deadly.'"

2. "Dude, Howard's passed out. Let's see how many things we can put in his butt."

3. "Dibs on his Birkenstocks."

4. "Aw, come on. The spam casserole wasn't that bad."

5. Ensign Adam Morrison was deeply upset by the Borg attack.

6. "Don't be such a crybaby. Do the math. Four dudes, three chicks. Someone was bound to be left out of the swap."

7. Howard just found out the 14 year old girl he was chatting with was an FBI agent.

8. "Um... Touchdown?"

9. "I warned Howard not to stand in front of the window. Whose idea was it to build a space station in Detroit."

10. "Damn, he was just about to reveal who the murderer was."

Best of Anonymous
"Martin Landau will KILL you for not knowing that he starred in the original Mission Impossible! K-I-L-L Y-O-U!"

Best of Submariner
Be cautious; look at the size of the spear that he took in the left cheek!

Best of Jason
Scene from 'When Strippers Attack" Sunday on Fox!

Best of Lyn
We've got more than a little trouble with tribbles here captain.

Best of prince of leaves
Counselor Troi recommended an intervention after Data was found passed out in the holodeck after a week-long warp-core coolant bender.

Best of Critical Matt
The carpet of the future is extra comfy.

Best of David Simon
"I guess when Andrew said he'd rather die than wear a tacky pantsuit, he really meant it."

Best of radio free fred
"Frebreeze Makes Your Carpets Smell Fresh."

Best of bad-d-d-dude
Looks like today Ms. McKinney brought her 80's bag phone.

Sci-Fi Friday (I)

1. Security Officer Redshirt Riley is possessed by the spirit of Cynthia McKinney.

2. Hal convinces Dave to try auto-erotic asphyxiation.

3. "I've got him pinned. Quick! Bring the Listerine!"

4. In space, no one can hear your Howard Dean impression.

5. "You take back what you said about Chloe right now or I will choke the life out of you!"

6. After listening to a co-worker hum "Achy-Breaky Heart" for ten straight years, Bruce finally snaps.

7. "No, listen to me you fool! Bill Gates's house *is* trying to kill us."

8. "Dammit Alpha Unit 338, I wish I knew how to quit you."

9. Scotty and the rest of the crew could only hope that the captain's girdle would hold.

10. When Hal began chanting "Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!" they knew his artificial intelligence unit had completely failed.

Best of Van Helsing
"Okay, I admit I'm ticklish!"

Best of Jason
"That's not the Vulcan neck grip. It's over here where the neck meets the shoulder."

Best of WALSTIB
OK! OK! You can wear the Tron suit tonight.

Sub: OK OK SOTG! I'll take over for VtheK but you can do Thursdays.

Bad sci-fi overacting? You're soaking in it.

Best of The Man
LA - 2203: "Sorry Jack Bauer it is too late to stop the Ion Particle Bomb from melting Los Angeles."

Accck....Ok Andrew Sullivan...I will stop posting captions of you....ackkk

Best of attmay
Sometimes when we touch,
The honesty's too much,
And I have to close my eyes
And hide...

Best of Submariner
Don't.Touch.My.Remote.Again.Understand?

I SAW that cartoon of Muhammed you were drawing, infidel!

Will finally snapped from Data's incessant attempts to "laugh."

Best of prince of leaves
Q hated being interrupted while checking his stocks.

"Relax...the Windows 2058 Brain Implant upgrade will be less painful if you just stop fighting it..."

Best of Critical Matt
Space 2525, the Heimlich Manuver has regressed...

Steve and Bill fight over Steve's annoying habit of using the high contrast display setting for Windows.

Best of radio free fred
"Rumsfeld Showed Me This Hold!"

"Spit It Out, That's My Gummy Bear!"

NSFW Thursday Continues

1. "Me love you longtime. And don't mess with my pimp, he's a stone demon."

2. Kinda cute, but that chick with three legs is really freaking me out.

3. "NBC hired us to hang out at NASCAR and see if we can provoke any prejudice."

4. "Is it customary for Senate pages to dress in torn up tissue paper, Senator Clinton?"

5. "Yoo-hoo, Kim Jong-Il? We heard you were feeling 'ronery.'"

Target of My Mockery: Telegraph-dot-co-dot-UK

Blond Melony Women

1. At last, a search party is assembled to find Prough and SOTG.

2. "I'm Lolita, and this is Tanqueray, and that's Stoli, and that's Drambuie. Y'all wanna go behind the bleachers and... make out or somethin'?"

3. "Good morning, Mr Hefner. Would you like your usual morphine and Vi@gr@ enema?"

4. Donald Trump's secret cloning operation is running at full capacity.

5. Secretly, Tanqueray worried that she was just not blonde enough.

6. Stepford Lesbian Bar.

7. Unfortunately, the blonds all failed the BMW driving test by instinctively diving into the back seat.

Best of sonicfrog
WOW! Those Crash Test Dummies get more lifelike every year.

Best of andthenblammo!
Bavarian Motor Werke's "Buy a Bimmer, Get a Bimbo!" sales promotion was judged borderline illegal, morally bankrupt, and a huge success. General Motor's counteroffer, "Buy a GM car, and Win a Date with Jamie Farr!", however...........

Best of Silhouette
The new logo for Breast Models of Washington immediately ran into copyright challenges.

Yes, we'll all top engineers for a luxury car company AND swimsuit models, but what we really want is a date with that guy in the TRON suit.

Best of Critical Matt
Jensen was fired from the advertising department after having the company logo attached to the one spot on the model's shirt that no one was looking at...

Best of Submariner
Seriously; how much is it gonna cost me to take every one of these BMW's out for a test ride?

Can I volunteer my face as a BWM seat?

'Ow to Speak Awstraylian: Petting Zoo

Best of AM42
BMW figured that since most guys buy their cars simply to score women, why not just skip a step...

Best of The Man
Q: What does a BMW model do first thing in the morning?
A: Go home.

Best of Chip
Yes, Herr Doktor, we will grab ze dipztick very firmly.

Bitte, macht whoopie?



Even Less Safe for work pics are located here. Hat Tip: SondraK.

Help Wanted

1. "In retrospect, we should have seen the warning signs, like when Boyle organized the First Annual Department of Homeland Security Pre-Teen Beauty Pageant."

2. "What's Hillary pointin' at? Is my fly open? Would you tell me if it was?"

3. "No, no, Artie, you just sort of stroke your lips with your fingers and go 'blubba blubba blubba blubba blubba ...'"

4. Seeing his chance, Thing goes for the president's vodka while the POTUS is hypnotized by Cynthia McKinney's deranged rantings.

5. (ORA) Bush's Cancun Diary: "We went to Mexico, you know? And we thought it would be fun, you know, to go to a show. Everybody says you gotta check out one of these shows. And... it's a woman havin' maritals with a horse. We get there and we think it's gonna be awesome and... it is not as cool as it sounds like it's gonna be. It's kinda gross."

6. "Don't be such a pussy, Art. OK, $40 to drink that glass of Tijuana Tap Water."

7. "You know, Artie, if you get this woozy from watching a virgin being skinned alive, you might not Skull-&-Bones material."

8. "Yes. No. I was drunk. Not until afterwards. Crying and vomiting. Any other questions?"

Story Behind the Pic: The fellow on the right is the CEO of the company I'll no longer be working for as of next month because I've accepted a position with another company. (You may have noticed I seemed pre-occupied the last few weeks.) Anyway, I anticipate I'll be needing help keeping up the blog, beginning in a couple of weeks when I take a much-needed vacation, and continuing as I make the adjustment to the new position. Email me if interested. Long-time regulars who would want to participate anonymously, we'll come up with a pseudonym for you. Something catchy like "Igor."

The Hand Talks Back

1. Thing eventually found employment with someone even creepier than the Addams Family.

2. "You want to mess with me, Mr Capitol Security Guard Man? Well, Bring it, Bitch! I'll bust a cap in your ass, You Punk Ass Blasphemous Dope Fiend Bitch!"

3. "And a shout-out to my home-girl, Dawn! You go, girl!"

4. "Oh, come on, show me some hands. I can't be the only one in the congress who thinks Robert Mugabe is hot."

5. "Return Mr. Hat to me at once! Or, suffer the wrath of M'Kinn'ay, Queen Demon of the Nether Realm."

6. "You are all allowed to vote five times... minimum! Don't let no cracker tell you otherwise!"

7. "And you can make five, ten, fitteen, fitty times your initial investment buying real estate with no money down."

8. "Some people call me a moonbat. Well, here's what I say to that: Bic lighter! American Flag! BURN, BABY, BURN!!!

9. "Kobe, over here, I'm open... and I'm not wearing panties."

10. Soft bigotry of low expectations? You're soaking in it.

Best of Tomslick
I am dumbass hear me roar/ I'm a 2 but dripping whore

Best of The Man
Today's Video Daily Double: "What is a race-baiting hooker?" Alex.

Best of attmay
I'm a little moonbat, short and stout.
Here is my handle, here is my spout.
When I get all steamed up, punch me out.
I'll play race cards, there's no doubt.

Best of Van Helsing
"And then on the way out of the restaurant, when the honky-ass maitre d' come up saying I should pay the bill, I just take his pasty white face like this and I..."

Best of Silhouette
"...and when Giuliani turned down the money from terrorists, I grabbed it as fast as I could, like this."

Best of David Simon
"Cynthia, this Protocols of the Elders of Zion book fell out of your pocket. Here, catch."

Haaaaaaaa-douken!

Best of catbat
"and then i grabbed him right back and went 'honk, honk'."

Best of sonicfrog
I put a spell on you
Because you're mine
Stop the things you do
Heheheh
I ain't lyin'...

Best of Submariner
"So, in summary, I didn't 'strike' that honky-assed, cracker, cop; I was simply applying the ghetto 'mind meld' on his racist ass."
Cynthia McKinney's offers an "apology"

Best of divine miss M
"Arise and WALK, my child, for you are HEALED!"

From here: Standard disclaimer does not apply.

Tron, Is That You?

1. Finally, a use of some sort for Dick Cheney's discarded condoms.

2. Must... not... look... at... bulge...

3. When dating Sharon Stone, may we recommend a full body condom

4. "Laugh all you want. You won't be laughing when my boyfriend picks me up in his Mini-Jabba-the-Hutt-Land-Yacht

5. The insurgents laughed themselves silly during field trials of the new full body armor.

6. The Sci-Fi Channel Execs looked at each other nervously. "A weekly series based on Tron might work, but not with Michael Jeter in the lead."

7. When invited to Andrew Sullivan's house for the weekend, may we recommend...

8. "Mom! This NAMBLA Night Lite is freaking me out."

9. Unsurprisingly, the "Bug-Zapper Suit" did not make it to the final round of American Inventor.

10. "Note to self: Build a fly into the next suit."


Best of Rodney Dill
♫
I'm just a sweet TRONsvestite...
♫

Jimbo Tron, lesser known brother of Jumbo.

On the plus side, every time I go near Dick Cheney his pacemaker goes into overdrive.

"My Capacitor was charged but her resistor was to large for me."

"Are you ready for body cavity search now Congresswoman McKinney?"

Best of The Man
Does this hat make me look stupid?

How to embarrass your kid #1423 -Show up to parent/teacher conference in tight Tron outfit.

Best of Van Helsing
For a moment I thought George Galloway had found his way onto another reality show.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"This will teach Lumberg not to take my stapler again!", mumbled Milton.

Best of Submariner
Unsure whether the front deciphered as "Muhammed" or was a stylized representation of a Dairy Queen, Mullah Abdul simply issued a kill fatwah.

Holy shnikees! He's got the whole Stealth fighter/bomber attack plan on his chest! Security lock down - NOW.

Barney Frank's children's program was quickly turned down by all networks, even PBS.

Inspired by Submariner
♫The Latex Fetishist is a person in your neighborhood, in your neighborhood... ♫

Best of Mr. Right
Reason number one George Lucas turned down Joel Schumacher as director of the most recent Star Wars films: Bulges on the new "stormtroops of love"!

The Blue Fairy grants Artoo Detoo's wish to become a real boy --- a wish he promptly regrets!

Best of WALSTIB
ding-dong... Package for you....

Best of Chip
The new Swiss Guard uniforms were both functional and, frankly, more macho than the old ones.

Best of Jason
Not pictured: Dignity



Timmeh! sent this. I don't know where he got it. I don't want to know.

Laura Bush, Still Searching for the Lion and the Wardrobe

1. "I buried most of the people who knew about Whitewater over there. It's said that on a cold autumn night, you can hear them screaming."

2. Hillary recalls Bill's first words to her, "Hey good looking, we'll be back to pick you up later!" called through a car radio via a Mr. Microphone.

3. "Laura, have you seen that show Prison Break, where the villain is a female politician who wants to be president and she's involved in shady campaign finance deals and now has to kill everyone who gets in her way? Where do they come up with such crazy ideas?"

4. I'd say Laura is clearly a Blood while Hillary is an O-Town Crip.

5. "Laura, I know we've had our differences, but the truth is... you make me wet. You really do."

6. "Just how open to experimentation are Barb and Jenna?"

7. "Whore!" "Harridan!" "Stepford Wife!" "Emasculating Bull-Dyke!" "Bitch!" "Kennedy Lover!" "Hey! Now, that's below the belt."

8. "... and when you're not looking, I'm going to punch you right in the ovaries."

9. "Look at all those rough, dark, sinewy men swarming over the border. Hill, are you thinking what I'm thinking." "Yeah, let's sign 'em up for welfare and get 'em registered to vote."

10. "Yoo, hoo. Sailor Boy. Me Love You Long Time. Thirty Dollar."

Best of jeff
"Okay Laura, use your super-stretching powers to grab that photographer right there!"

Best of Submariner
The bidding for the hit-man's services was over once Laura upped it to 5 big one's...

Best of bad-d-d-dude
"Cynthia, of course we recognize ya', girlfriend. Love the new doo. Now put that cell phone down."

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
Laura hasn't quite figured out the "pull my finger" game.

Laura is determined to show Hillary the proper stiff-arm technique.

Best of David Simon
"Uh, that's okay Sharon, I saw it in the first basic instinct."

Best of ThatGayConservative
And over there, Laura, is the containment unit where I store the souls of children. That's what keeps me looking so young.

Best of jbinnout
ROCK ...PAPER ...SCISSORS...: Hillary instinctively tries to cheat by doing half scissors, half rock...

Best of T. Harris
Beauty and the Hildebeast.

Hillary: "I thought you were dea...I mean, hey, Craig Livingston, how ya been, buddy?

Best of David Simon
"Oh, so that's how you tell Marlee Matlin to sit on your face. You weren't even close Laura, but you're a doll for trying to help me out."



Hat tip: Mo

Badonkadonk Whatchamahooie

1. Investors were not reassured by a sneak peak at GM's new minivan.

2. Why is this guy not going to get any on his date tonight? Oh, where to begin...?

3. The Phoenix Coyotes offered a $2,000 reward for the return of their customized Zamboni.

4. Baywatch: Tattooine

5. "Dammit, Harold. This doesn't look like Amish country at all. For Gosh sakes, pull over and ask directions!"

6. "Crap... all the way from Mos Eisley to deliver a pizza and no freakin' tip! I hate Sand People."

7. "Picked it up at the Neverland Ranch yard sale. There's still some roofies and a pair of Underoos in the back seat."

8. Trying to drive and check his hair in the rearview mirror at the same time. Typical Metrosexual.

Best of Lyn
Portable Jacuzzi looking for Girls Gone (way out in the) Wild

Ty Pennington gets a dose of his own medicine.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Dang there's an officer trying to pull me over, I hope he speaks bocce."

Maytagonator: Leader of the Rebel Appliance.

♫ Oh I've been through the desert on a Force with no name... ♫

Best of prince of leaves
Q: What do you get when you cross a Roomba and a Dalek?

Inspired by the success of the resurrected Battlestar Galactica, ABC updates The Six Million Dollar Man in a pilot episode featuring the beloved Death Probe.

Best of radio free fred
Scooter Libby's Rascal.

Best of Submariner
Da-amn! Surfacing in Arizona is a b!tch - more speed

Mark Hamill fondly remembers the trip to pick up his prom date...

Best of jeff
Australian SAS demonstrates their new "Floating Outback Mobility Infantry Carrier (FOMIC)."

British SAS demonstrates why they can never pick up chicks in the Australian Outback...

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"This will have to do until I save up for my Landspeeder," mused young Skywalker.

Best of jeff
Ladies & Gentlemen, Tattoine Landspeeders, Inc. is proud to present - The Minivan!

Best of Anonymous
This Is Not Your Evil, Dark Side Force-Wielding, Helmet-Wearing Father's Oldsmobile...

Best of Dusty
John Kerry is still revising his war stories but anyone who questions his heroism in the Clone Wars will be called "Liar! Liar!" by Larry O'Donnell.



Original Photos and Specs (You can buy one of these... nerd!) are found here.

Take Me to Prom

1. "Why do flowers get to wither and die, but not I?"

2. Incontinence? You're soaking in it.

3. "So, basically, Madame Tussaud's just stuck Tor Johnson's head on Herve Villechaize's body and slapped a burgundy wig on it?"

4. Hey! Looks like HBO is bringing back the Crypt-Keeper.

5. Emperor Palpatine does drag.

6. Somehow, even if Helen Thomas were a zombie, I just can't see her muttering 'Brains... Brains...'

7. "Clenching my butt cheeks helps reduce seepage."

8. "These flowers remind me of the time Leo diCaprio sketched me naked."

9. The world's least popular garden gnome.

10. Paging Dr. Kevorkian.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Hello, boils and ghouls."

Imhotep.....Imhotep.....Imhotep....

The Danes get in trouble again for showing an image of the Prophet through Age Progression technology.

Best of Rodney Dill
Now from Home Depot, the worlds first scarecrow with a lifetime guarantee.

Best of Submariner
Shortly after her "Air Jagger," Helen launched into a mean riff on an "Air Frampton."

Best of AM42
Is it Thursday already?

Best of David Simon
Helen Thomas helps Torie Clarke promote her book Lipstick on a Pig.

Best of T. Harris
Not even a room full of flowers could mask the sour, foul stench emanating from Helen's crust-covered vagina.

"He-he, that's no shit boys. When I was a young lady it looked like a fresh peach cut in two. Now it looks like a cow patty with a wagon wheel track through it."

Oh my God, it's true! Uncle Fester has switched teams.

Best of Van Helsing
"Welcome to the afterlife, Ahmed. I'm the first of your virgins. Unfortunately the other 71 aren't as lovely."

Best of Anonymous
Freddy Krueger after his sex change.

Best of Robert
Tim Burton's original pick for "Corpse Bride" was deemed too disturbing.

Best of andthenblammo!
Maybe some day, Al Pacino will look this bad. ... After he's dead.... Dead for 350 years.

Best of Henry Jennings
"I'll get that Batman if it's the last thing I do!"

Best of Cybrludite
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Helen Thomas R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."

Best of Submariner inspired by cybr
Even Cthulu shuddered at the hideous visage before him...

Best of Anonymous
"And whatever you do, don't say beetlejuice three times in a row."

Best of sonicfrog
"We Are The Crab People...."

Best of Mr. Right
Coming soon to a theater near you: Billy Crystal... Danny DeVito... Helen Thomas... Throw the Moonbat from the Train

Best of jbinnout
"I don't understand what McKinney is complaining about. I beg those burly security men to search me."

I think I got this from Sondrak.

What's a Five-Letter Word for 'Deformed Circus Performer', Starts with F

1. "Single, sincere white female, 43, wishes to meet single, sincere, limber Eskimo who's into who's into tattoos, bananas,gargling Windex, Barry Manilow inflatable dolls, cactus, sleeping with large tomatoes, and snake wrestling in Jell-o pudding.. No freaks."

2. Vin Diesel and Courtney Love fill out their unemployment forms.

3. "Hey! Check this! Each of the voices in my head is entitled to its own vote. Goddess! I love being a Seattle Democrat."

4. "And then Andrew Sullivan... um... and then the smelly pirate hooker and the kid with the pumpkin shirt... um... damn, I hope I come up with a caption idea by the time Fuschia gets off the computer.

5. "Damn it! When will I learn that white stockings and urinary incontinence don't mix."

6. "Question 5. Someone you don't recognize attempts to access CTU using a stolen key card. Do you a.) Call for back up, or b.) Let 'em in and figure Jack will deal with it somehow." CTU Redshirt Job Application.

7. The job market in Detroit is now so bad you have to fill out an application to be a crackwhore.

8. "It's not you, Moonbeam. It's just that filling out a marriage license with someone of the opposite sex just feels weird."

9. "And if my demands are not met the screams of those who have wronged me will fill the skies..."

10. "Moonbeam, how do I answer question 12: 'Do you advocate the overthrow of the US by force or violence?' I think the answer is 'violence.'"

Best of andthenblammo!
"A skank quota? It's not hard enough graduating with a degree in Neo-Hawaiian Postmodernest Literature, but I have to run up against a skank quota?"

"We at the Zippy Home Hair Care Set company would like to thank you for filling out our feedback form! Please circle all answers that apply about your feelings about our fine product!"

How did you like our product?

#1: Very satisfied.
#2: Somewhat satified.
#3: Somewhat dissatified.
#4: Very dissatified.
#5: Filled with rage.... (More in comments...)

Best of prince of leaves
A scene from the forthcoming Butterfly Effect II: in this alternative reality, her unreconstructed hippie parents name would-be particle physics prodigy Elizabeth "Selene", instead, setting her on the path of a life of welfare applications, dodgy associates, and tragic fashion choices.

Best of Critical Matt
Don't mind the iodine on my leg, doctor's orders.

Best of Rufus Leaking
It was a great day when Clown College merged with Barber's College!

Best of Submariner
ORA: psst - what does a flashing yellow light mean?"
"Slow down."
"What --- Does --- A --- Flashing --- Yellow --- Light --- Mean?"

I'm making the answer sheet look like Chrismas Trees. What design are you using, Sunflower?

"Dear diary, I can't believe it but Orlando Bloom was next to me in the unemployment office today..."

A rare "behind the scenes" look at Ruth Bader Ginzburg's crack opinion-writing team at work.

Best of Lyn
Home school for the Osbournes.

Best of radio free fred
"Dear President Clinton I Would Love To Work At Your Library."

This pic from Toni L. Bailey/The Olympian(tipped by The Diva)

Crack in the Sidewalk

1. NPR Correspondent Andrew Sullivan conducts some Moon on the Street interviews.

2. After years of lackluster results, Exodus managed to increase its success rate to 90% by hiring this man as a counselor.

3. Home Depot would regret marketing Christopher Lowell's line of designer biballs.

4. "Dad, if it's all the same to you, we'll just follow at a distance of 300 yards and pretend we don't know you."

5. Andrew Sullivan was thrilled at the chance to meet Sir Mix-a-Lot.

6. Much like the guys Sully hooks up with on 'beagles-n-bareback-dot-com,' the person who sent me this would probably prefer to remain anonymous.

7. "You see, in San Francisco, a man can place a personal ad seeking a bearded she-male with child-bearing hips and get over 600 responses. That's because, we're just a little bit ahead of the curve here, compared to the midwest." Poot! Sniff! Sniff! Sniff!

8. Oh, yeah. My schoolboy outfit is flawless. Mary LeTourneau, you will soon be mine!

9. Fortunately, Isreali Fashion Police found the bombs in his backpack when he was stopped at a border crossing.

10. Crack and moonshine are bad for you. (Props CJ)

Best of Rodney Dill
Does this make my butt look fat?

Best of Fish Lips
He is none other than Gluteus Maximus, the supreme Roman god of pasta dinners and belly dancing.

Best of prince of leaves
David Banner's lesser-known alter-ego, the Fabulous Hulk, is photographed here in mid-change.

Best of racerboy
This man is a mincing, sweating advertisement for Nair...

Best of catbat
all the wedgies as a child turned out to be just good practice for adulthood.

Best of Six Degrees of Blondness
For the love of Christ, just Don't. Turn. Around.

Best of attmay
So now we've finally found the gay love child of Betty Grable and Alf the alien.

Best of e-ho
George Clooney gains 30 lbs in preparation for his next roll - "Islamaback Mountin': My short life as a gay Muslim"

Best of nevergrewup
Assfacia (noun): disease where a person's face takes on the appearance of one's ass. This progresses to the point where a affected individual can not tell the difference.

Best of jbinnout
"I justh love to color coordinate when coming out on the sthreeths. Alwaysth match your sthockths with a darling little ball cap (ooohh, did I sthay that out loud?), right Andrew?"

Best of David Simon
"You actually lock your bike up and remove the front tire? Funny, I've never had to."

"That ticket line across the street is about to get a whole lot shorter. Watch this."

Best of andthenblammo!
"Oh, yessth, Insthpector Callahan, I feel very lucky!"

That's not just junk in the trunk, that's the whole landfill.

"The good news is, Miss Bach, we've found those original "Daisy Dukes" someone stole from your home. The bad news is, trust me, you don't want them back anymore."

I see Paris, I see France, I'm putting a slug through my head so I don't see your underpants!

Best of Rodney Dill
I don't think this episode of Sopranos is going to be long remembered

Best of Submariner
"You see the crack from the top?" Francesco could not seem to properly assimilate American plumber customs.

Worst.Village.People.Audition.Ever!

Best of WALSTIB
BareAssGuy: "Has anyone seen Scrotum InflationGuy? He said to meet him right here."

"And now for something completely different...."

Best of T. Harris
Even Helen Thomas' dick went limp after seeing this pic.

Inspired by bad-d-d-dude
Al Borland figured if Lowell from Wings could get an Oscar nom for "Sideways," he was a shoo-in for his role in "The Dukes of Brokeback."

Best of Robert
"Throw out your hands. Stick out your tush. Hands on your hips. Give 'em a push. You'll be surprised You're doing the French mistake! Voila!"