Friday, March 31, 2006

Fat Man and Little Boy

1. George cLooneyhas really let himself go... and also given in to his latent paedophiliac tendencies.

2. "Wow! An old man is offering me candy, and I haven't even killed any J-o-o-o-s.

3. "Me love you long time. Thirty dollar."

4. "Hey, boy, would you like to be 'Santa's Little Helper?'"

5. "Time to say goodbye to your friends. Ruth Bader Ginsburg needs a kidney."

6. "The people at these NAMBLA conventions are always such phonies."

7. "Well, sir, I'm not a licensed massage therapist, but $20 and a Milky Way, sure, I'll give it a shot."

8. Remember when you could lure a young boy into the back of your car with promises of gum and candy and a bunch of busy-body cops and social workers going apeshit? Pepperidge Farm remembers.

9. "It's a great system, really. Molest them until they are filled with self-loathing, then strap a bomb-belt to them. We call it, 'Raising Kids the Arafat Way.'"

10. "You like Popsicles? Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles. Mmmmmm."

Best of jeff
While I thank you for the jacket, "Uncle Jay," what happened to numbers 1 through 5?

Best of The Man
Have fun with Michael Jackson today, but stay away from the Allah Juice this time.

Best of Occasional Reader
"Gee, Your Hair Smells Like Semtex!" Children's Shampoo has been selling briskly in Gaza.

Best of ThatGayConservative
Slowly, Michael Moore begins his feast of Arab children to absorb their anti-West ideology as well as their souls.

Best of Cybrludite
Must... take over... younger... host... body...

Best of Rodney Dill
"So you're a real rock star, Mr Glitter?"

"Dad, why do you always say 'Bomb Away' when you see me off to school?"

Best of WALSTIB
Let's get them out of the way:
1. Abdul, do you like movies about gladiators?
2. You ever been in a cockpit before?
3. You ever seen a grown man naked?
4. Have you ever been to a Turkish prison?

Tip from Dan at Strait Talk. Photo from Roto-REUTERS/Suhaib Salem Sahib Abu Skyhook

Look Familiar, Prough?

1. "Yup, she's definitely sucking out my blood. I sure am doomed to walk the Earth as a slave of the undead. But, hey, at least I got laid."

2. Auditions for Thursday Hot Chick take a sinister turn.

3. Ah, the eternal dillemma. Wake her up, or gnaw my own arm off.

4. "A for Effort, dad, but I'm still gay."

5. "Soft... supple... oh, yeah, her skin is definitely going into my woman suit."

6. "So, Paula, do I get to advance to the next round of American Idol."

7. Now, to snap her neck and make my getaway.

8. Snapshot of Bill Clinton on his honeymoon. Not pictured: Hillary Clinton.

9. Hugh Grant frets about the impact of immigration reform on his ability to pick-up luscious Mexican whores.

10. "So, Simon, do I get to advance to the next round of American Idol?"

Best of jeff
Oh yeah hon, your right hand is perfect where it is... I don't suppose you could jiggle it though?

Best of AM42
What the hell- I might as well go one more round before she wakes up.

Best of David Simon
"Uh-oh. Looks like the worm wasn't the most disgusting thing I ate last night."

Best of Submariner
What in hades did I have last night? That sort of feels like beard stubble...

Take it easy sunshine; you want a nice chianti and fava beans to go with that shoulder?

Thursday, March 30, 2006

The J-o-o-s Stole the Sun!

1. "Yeah! Iranian m------f------s! That 10 megaton serving of bottled sunshine means we finally got serious about your nuke program!" And then I woke up.

2. "Aw, man! I can't wait to see what comes out when those guys open that Ark-of-the-Covenant watchamadinger!"

3. Muslim playuhs know nothing gets a date horny quicker than the awesome spectacle of a solar eclipse.

4. "Ah! A solar eclipse. One of the wonders of the universe. Well, enough of that, let's get back to work. France isn't going to burn itself."

5. "It's cloud of smug from George Clooney's Oscar Acceptance speech! It's going to kill us all!"

6. Tyrone Washington continues his goodwill tour of the Middle East.

7. As the Olsen Twins flew round and round the village, slaking themselves on the blood of virgins, the others could only pray that Van Helsing would come.

8. "So, if we touch the monolith, what happens?"

9. Something tells me the Palestinian Authority wasn't quite ready to take over air traffic control.

10. "Now, if you follow the arc of the missile's descent, we'll know exactly where to go for the car swarm."

Best of Cybrludite
GOJIRA!!!

"Iiiiie! An eclipse! No, wait. It's just a big Nets fan doing a cannonball into the pool..."

Best of Submariner
"It's a bird!"
"It's a plane!"
"It's a frog!"
"Not bird, nor plane, nor even frog; 'tis only me, Underdog."
"Yeaaahhhhhh! MEAT for dinner!"

"Is that a dust-storm, daddy?"
"Far, far worse, Abu. It is am inescapable cloud of funk rolling down from France. Prepare for death..."

Best of The Man
In Islam, it is tradition to make the women look directly into the eclipse. Praise Allah.

Picture Tip and Title: El Hombre. Source: Mamoun Wazwaz/MaanImages/Roto-Reuters

She'll Have To Do

1. This week on GhostHunters, the spectral hands of JFK are caught on tape groping a production assistant.

2. "The police outline artist is almost done, ma'am. Now, where else did Senator Clinton touch you?"

3. Exhibit-A in the sexual harassment suit filed against the motorocycles dudes from the A-Ha "Take on Me" video.

4. "Icy hands of death pulling you into a realm of infinite darkness? You can probably ignore them. They are harmless unless they brought paper towels."

5. Many women experience "Phantom Groping" Sensations for months after a weekend at the Kennedy Compound.

6. Former interns at Pixar announced the world's first Virtual Sexual Harassment class action suit today.

Lileks linked to this a few weeks ago, and I've been saving her for a hot babe dry spell.

More Fun With The Surrender Monkeys

1. "Stop playing with that airplane and help me get this smelly pirate hooker to the holding pen."

2. "As you can see, if a plane had truly attempted to crash at ze Pentagon, it would have been eaten by a giant, flannel-wearing butch lesbian. Clearly, ze 9-11 attacks were a terrible hoax."

3. Remember how cool the French Cop was in The Transporter, and then they made him completely lame in Transporter 2? I have no caption for that, but damn that still sucks.

4. "Step back. When he is ready, he will call for you."

5. "Dude... this airplane... it's like... paper..." ValuJet's failures were traced to having this guy as the lead mechanic.

6. "Stand away from the paper airplane eater," was one of worst Kids in the Hall sketches, but David Foley (at left) managed to remain fabulous.

7. "He thinks he's Herve Villechaize. You should get a picture of this... WHORE!"

8. "Look, as the Chief Engineer for Airbus, your obsession with 'If one of our planes crashed in the Andes carrying the casts from 'Lost' and '24', who would eat whom?' is kind of creepy."

9. When Celeste challenged Bertrand to a deep throat competition, she had no idea who she was messing with.

10. "... but anyway, surrender was exactly the right to do. The Germans were very mean."

Best of Rodney Dill
During his 6 years of High School, Ned had always dabbled with substance abuse, now he was hoping to achieve a new high through the Bernoulli Effect.

Best of Submariner
Is it just me or is the lamest Rave, ever?

Best of radio free fred
I Want My Maypo! ( This was funny stuff in the 50s )

Best of jeff
Performance Art, French edition: Jaques pulls the string dropping Brigitte's pants and Henri deep throats a paper airplane. Like all performance art, it's meaningless.

Best of David Simon
"Oh, you folks paid to see him gag? Wait a minute while I unzip this broad's pants."

Best of Mr. Right
During halftime at a recent Lakers game, Charlie Sheen tries to prove to Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe that those "jets" could never have taken down the WTC towers with his awe-inspiring 9/11 re-enactment.

Best of ThatGayConservative
"Dude! You're not a cop, you're just a parking lot attendant. So gob the mega-spliff like this!"


Hat Tip: Silhouette. Picture Source: AFP/File/Anne-Christine Poujoulat

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Meanwhile, Back at Wally-World

1. Every year, thousands of these adorable little guys get abandoned at shopping centers all across the country. Please spay or neuter your slacker.

2. A member of San Francisco High's "Future Homeless of America" chapter learns how to pick out a shopping cart.

3. When the Utah Jazz won the NBA title, the subsequent looting was polite and well-organized.

4. A few minutes after this picture was taken, the trespasser got pounded into unconsciousness by a giant floating smiley face.

5. "Excuse me, sir. I have 15 items and I really have to use the 10-items-or-less line, so if you'll do me one small favor, I will provide you with any sick pleasure your mind can devise."

6. "Dang it, Dakota, I told you we can't afford no fancy name-brand beer. Now, quit yer poutin' and git in the truck."

7. Despite its scholarly sociological articles and helpful tips on shoplifting basic necessities, Teenage Runaway Monthly's commercial success was only because it was so often mistaken for a stroke mag.

8. Worst part about Spring Break at Wal-Mart? The unbelievably low standards of the Girls Gone Wild camera crews.

9. "They won't sell me condoms, but a carton of cigs was no problem. It's weird living in Kentucky."

10. Linus's subsequent killing spree was traced to his rage that Wal-Mart had built a SuperCenter on his beloved childhood pumpkin patch.

Best of jeff
"I can't believe it - they'll hire some 80 year old apple doll, but I can't even get hired for the greeter position."

Joel was surprised at the attention given him for being the only person ever to correctly return a cart at Wal-Mart.

Best of Critical Matt
Josh waited for 40 hours in the store after hearing the new Star Wars action figures would shipped.

Best of Prince o' Leaves
Jared lost another hundred pounds after ditching Subway and adopting a Freegan™ lifestyle.

Best of Rodney Dill
He knew all he had to do was wait, the rest of the SuperHeroes were sure to arrive.

Ted took his job to keeping illegal immigrants from leaving Wal*Mart and entering the US seriously.

Best of radio free fred
Harry Head Survives Horrible Accident.

"Baise Le Cart!"

Best of Submariner
I'm living proof that Wally-World needs to sell the "morning after" pill.

What you lookin' at Willis?

Leave a stupid toddler in your cart and you might return to a similar sight 16 years later...

Best of Mr. Right
Gary was bummed after mixing up the dates on his DU protest calendar: "This sucks! I should be screaming, 'Down with Bushitler' over at the VFW Hall on Maple Street with Cindy Sheehan right now, but I'm stuck here until my Mom picks me up again at 3:30!"

Best of sonicfrog
OK. So you can now buy lazy white men at Wal-Mart. But what would I do with one of those? I mean what are they good for???


Photo: Mary Chind, the Des Moines Register

French, Obviously

1. "But, mon ami, you slept with ze hideous smelly Sheehan woman almost six months ago, non? Surely, you must have showaired once seence zen?"

2. "Mon ami! Zat story about using ze sheet to hold your dreadlocks was just an urban legend!"

3. "Dude, it's called deodorant. De-O-Dor-Ant! It's not expensive."

4. Once again, armpit funk triumphs overs halitosis.

5. He was actually trying to get Andrew Sullivan's attention with a sign reading "My Eel Bites Ass," but was thwarted by his own severe dyslexia.

6. He may be confident, but I doubt he's dry or secure.

7. "Stop whining and feed my hair some crickets."

8. After a liftime of immersion in their own BO, most French find Centox nerve gas to be, at worst, a mild irritant.

9. Wow, the sign the guy in back is holding must be ginormous!

10. For the dude on the left "Pull my finger" was followed with "I immediately regret this decision!"

Best of Cybrludite
The other side of the sign of course, says, "Je me rends!"

Best of Cybrludite
Yo, Kobe, je suis ouvert, mais rempli d'ennui!

Sûr. Faites l'amusement du hippie smelly qui ne veulent pas devoir travaill. Lisez leur histoire. Instruisez-vous, des débiles.

Best of David Simon
"Whoa dude, the next time one of your relatives dies in a heat wave, you gottal have 'em picked up and put in a freezer."

Best of Submariner
What? NOT ONE of us remembered a Mexican flag?

Moments later, authorities revved up the water cannons and threw hospitality industry samples of Dial™ to the crowd.

Best of Mr. Right
All your body odors are belong to us!

Nearly 20 years after their one and only smash hit "Don't Disturb This Groove" rocketed up the charts worldwide, mobs of adoring French fans still want to get it on with members of the techno-funk group The System...

"Fifty bucks says the kid on the left picks his nose... fifty bucks more says he eats it!"

Best of AM42
Holy crap! The last Sheehan captioning was posted five days ago, and this place still reeks!

Hat Tip: Zeke. Original Photo: Y'arrr

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Shake Your Money-Maker 'Til Your Eyes Pop Out

1. "Give me a J, Give me an E, Give me an N-N-Y, Give me a C, Give me an R, Give me an A-I-G..."

2. Amber was hypnotized by the undulations of Heather's arm flab.

3. Ah, remember 1998 when Jay Leno introduced the Dancing Lewinskys? Neither do I.

4. Where will you be when your laxative kicks in?

5. Quarterback Tyrone Washington whips it out for the white girls.

Best of jeff
All the cheerleaders reacted differently to the toxic black mold climbing up their tops and grabing their right breasts...

Best of David Simon
Most of the girls pondered whether Tyrone would feel good, or feel like child birth. Buffy was just thankful she had been born without a gag reflex."

Best of ThatGayConservative
Rev. Jim Polly's Tent Revival and Boxed Lunch Extravaganza rolled into town.

Best of Cybrludite
IT'S TWUE! IT'S TWUE!

Best of Submariner
So, anyways, this one time at band camp...

Blonde on left: "So what, Tyrone? I've had bigger..."

Best of radio free fred
"Oh My God , Terry Bradshaw's Ass Is Huge!"

Best of Mr. Right
Claudette would later be declared out for the season with what was diagnosed as a "pulled uterus".

Best of Critical Matt
Connie shrugs while Dorothy seems quite elated over the horse sized Red Bull suppository.

Best of Robert
Woah! That didn't feel right!

From Detroit News Photoblog. Photo Credit: John T. Greilick.

And now, a little something for the ladies...

... if the lady happens to be Debra Lafave.

1. For obvious reasons, this variation of the old cheerleader pyramid is known as the 'Brokeback Mountain.'

2. Some of you may wish to check with your parole offer before submitting a caption.

3. A fat girl next to a pile of shirtless men... are you sure this isn't a gay bar?

4. "Well somebody smells like teen spirit!"

5. "You'd've thought at least one girl would have been into 3-d Twister."

6. The pyramid soon collapsed after Tyler noticed Kyle was 'going commando.'

7. After a tough day in Congress, Barney Frank unwinds with some Jergen's lotion and his favorite 'Saved By the Bell" episode.

8. They were certain that Baal would pleased with the sacrifice, and offer them an undefeated season.

9. "Guys... next time, let's us be shirts and they be skins."

10. The kid from Caption #9 finally gets his wish

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
The "Crisco Corkscrew" was certain to land the Fire Island High School cheerleading squad their first national championship.

Best of Submariner
The pyramid collapsed with a fit of girlish screams when Emily throatily sung out, "hey, hey, hey!"

I'll take "Mary Kay Letourneau's Dreams" for $600, Alex.

Best of The Man
Andrew Sullivan taught gym class for only 1 semester.

Best of Jason
"Abu Graib: The Musical" was a hit on Broadway, but nowhere else..

Best of David Simon
"Now what does that Kama Sutra book say to do."

Best of CJ
The team would soon learn why Laramie Wyoming was the wrong place to open with the all-male cheerleader pile.

Monday, March 27, 2006

The Idiotic Cutting the Stupid

1. "Patti LaBelle... No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!"

2. The Michael Jackson Salon promises to make you as white as possible, or your money back!

3. And you wondered whatever happened to Boy George.

4. "Yum! A fat juicy louse!"

5. Titania and Oberon eventually went into the salon business.

6. YAWN. Another weird crappy video? Bjork, you are so over.

7. "I'd like to try something twisted and kinky." "You've come to the right place." "Are we still talking about hair?"

8. Sure. Make fun of the bridesmaids at a Massachusetts wedding. Read their story. Educate yourselves morons.

Best of Silhouette
Later, when her makeover turned out looking odd, Karen had to admit she might have missed a few red flags.

As soon as we're finished here, wardrobe will fit you with your table.

Best of The Man
The sequal to Snakes on a Plane: Crazy-ass Hairstylist on a Plane.

Best of Occasional Reader
The Sci-Fi Channel's bid to cash in on the whole "makeover" craze was ultimately a crashing failure.

Best of Submariner
Sure. Make fun of Elton John's broken hearted stylist and lifelong love. Real classy. Read their story. Edumacate yourselves. morons.

George Plimpton also had one, short, run at high fashion. Mr. Blackwell was not pleased...

Best of prince of leaves
After the crowds had at last departed, performers from the Torino Olympics opening ceremonies went back to normal life.

Best of attmay
One more of these and you can have a production of Gilbert and Sullivan's "The Mikado."

Best of Cybrludite
A rare still of Zoe & Kaylee getting their hair done on an Alliance planet from a lost episode of "Firefly".

Best of Cricket
Harvey Firstien and his partner at work on the new Mrs. Doubtfire.

From Detroit News Photoblog. Photo Credit: John T. Greilick

Mondays with Morons

1. Mad-Lib: Andrew Sullivan and Barney Frank were (Adjective) to serve (Type of hors'oeuvre) stuffed with (bodily fuid) from (American Idol Contestant) before (Perverse Sexual Act).

2. "I will not eat them from a tray/I will not eat them with two transgendered she-males in silver lame..." Updating Green Eggs and Ham for the PC Era.

3. The challenge was to come up with a presentation that made haggis even less appealing, and they succeeded.

4. Scene from the classic dystopian French film, Soylent Verde.

5. His days of fame long gone, RuPaul is forced to hold bake sales to pay for his hormone treatments.

6. Lefties long for the days when transgendered performance artists have all the money they need, and the Pentagon has to hold a bake sale to pay for new weapons.

7. After the transporter accident had left the aliens embedded in a pair of tables, the Enterprise crew brought them some pastries.

8. Despite the similarities in the name, Brokeback Steakhouse offers a rather different dining experience.

9. "...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam."

10. The appearance of Ghostly 18th Century Courtesans bearing Scooby Snacks presented Shaggy with a classic 'Fight or Flight' scenario.

Best of Submariner
I'm Andrew and this is Barney. We are today's "Poo Poo platter special." If you like, you can wait for Elton's "horsecock in special cream sauce" a bit later...

Johnny Weir and his "date" caused quite a stir at the opening festivities for Ice Princess II.

Best of David Simon
"Yes Andrew, I'm sure this is the place where I read they're having a Big Dance party. Maybe all these stiffs will loosen up after they have a couple of cocktails."

Best of jeff
Excited at hearing that the San Remo casino in Vegas was hiring, they were ultimately disappointed to find out it was turning into a Hooters....

Best of Tomslick
Exactly how do you bang a tranny?
You roll them in flour and look for the brown spot.

Best of Occasional Reader
"You're all evil, and we hope you all have snacks!"

Best of prince of leaves
Louis Wu breathed a sigh of relief: the vampires may have discovered a cziltang brone, but they did not yet know how to use it correctly.

Best of Rodney Dill
At the all Transvestite Cookoff all the judges were warned to avoid any offers for tasting meatballs.

Best of radio free fred

"This Is What Micheal Jackson's Children Are Going To Look Like When They Grow Up, Best Case Scenario."

Best of Mr. Right
"Would you like some Salisbury Steak, children... or how about a taste of my Chocolate Salty Balls?"

From Detroit News Photoblog. Photo Credit: John T. Greilick

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Dude... It's like... Americana

1. "There's just something deliciously decadent about a place that frames their health code citations and mounts them on the wall."

2. Merry, Pippin, just keep a low profile and drink your drink. In the morning, we'll be on our way to Rivendell and we can put this all behind us.

3. "Hey, Palpatine, just because you're in league with the dark side doesn't give you the right to bogart my pizza."

4. "The best part is, grandma just thinks we're out getting stoned."

5. "Have you guys ever noticed the way vinyl seats stick to your bare ass-cheeks?"

6. Emo kids enjoy bland pizza and under-the-table foot jobs.

7.“We had the Cheese log at Denny’s and the Pecan log at Stuckey’s, so what are we getting here at Sullivan's.”

8. "Gary, it's great that you're letting us ride-out Collapse of Civilization in your fortified bunker, but couldn't you have invited, I don't know, some girls!"

9. "Well, we better get back to the Cult. Can't keep the comet waiting."

10. "Tell your dad that selling his home-burned mix CD's at the counter isn't gonna help him competer with Starbucks."

Americana comes from this source! Fair Use Forever! Disclaimers up the wazoo.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Wuss

1. The hazards of dropping your blow during an NBA playoff.

2. "If it cheers you up, Brokeback Mountain comes out on DVD next week."

3. "You better be cryin' because you didn't wear your cup and took a kick to the groin or I will kick your honkey ass."

4. "Worm, now lick the floor while this other honkey anally rapes me."

5. "You looked like a monkey playing with his testicles out there, what the hell was wrong with you?"

6. "We have got to stop recruiting Kennedies."

7. "Dude, it's over and you're making a fool of yourself. I've found Kyle, here. And I'm sure you'll find a nice guy to make you forget about me."

8. "Dude... it's just a game. If I were you, I'd be crying about the fact that your mom was kidnapped, raped, and dismembered by a biker game while we were playing."

9. "Cheer up. There's always room for someone with your mediocre talents with the LA Clippers."

10. "And take that damn uniform off, you're not fit to wear it."

From Sondrak. Who has her own disclaimers, which I second.

Weekend Americana featuring Primary Colors and Geometric Shapes

1. The Ori permit the Priors some leeway on Casual Fridays.

2. Even at the Community Theater level, a dramatic reading of a Donald Pleasance monologue from Puma Man is not impressive.

3. "You have all failed in your efforts to cut out a perfect trapezoid. The Orb of the Ori will now purge you with its cleansing flame."

4. "You are all under my power now..." Bill had increased his AmWay sales 45% since discovering the Aztec Mind Control Artifact.

5. Looking into his crystal ball, Bill is stunned to see a vision of his own crucifixion.

6. In retirement, Bill tried his hand at prop comedy.

7. "Now, did Chef ever touch you... like this?"

8. "Why do you ladies titter so whenever I comment on what great job someone did on this rim?"

From (fair use, disclaimers) the usual source of Americana.

Friday, March 24, 2006

President and the VP of the Shark Jumpers Club

1. "Oh, Cancer Boy, you are, like, such an inspiration and stuff."

2. Strangely, the song that comes to mind is The Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up."

3. "Cindy, when you talk about global conflict it makes as much sense as me singing Barry White's love songs."

4. Dr. Evil rolls out his least effective fembot ever.

5. Unfortunately for America, Cindy Sheehan would turn her back on the Heaven's Gate Cult and its enigmatic founder, Do, before the arrival of the Hale-Bopp comet.

6. Cindy Sheehan's other son, Powder, contributed nothing to her media-whore empire, and was soon forgotten.

7. "... and I also find you erotically hideous."

8. "Thank you, Mother Sheehan. I think we can all agree that 'War is icky' will go down as one of the great philosophical insights of our time."

9. Although the rest of the crew was put off by its hideous appearance, foul smell, and shrill unintelligible language, Captain Picard was able to communicate with the alien life form.

10. The Dalai Lama meets the Berkeley Cow.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Yup, if I looked like either of these two, I'd probably be losing my religion too.

"Everybody Hurts" just looking at the picture.

In his younger days, James Carville dated Thelma from the Scooby-Doo gang.

R.E.M. meets D.U.M.

Best of Lyn
I doubt Brynner and Kerr have anything to fear from the new leads for "The King and I."

Best of David Simon
"Don't worry, I'll help you get in touch with your feminine side." "Oh thank you, Michael."

Best of Submariner
"Whoa, Michael! This time Pepsi didn't extinguish you in time, eh?"

Best of Rodney Dill
Voted the Ugliest lesbian marriage of all time.

Best of Brendt
It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel nauseous

Best of Robert
REM releases a remix of "Man on the Moonbat" in honor of Cindy.

H/T: Van Helsing

I'm a Big Nets Fan and I Want a Big Cereal!

1. Spike Lee has really let himself go.

2. Gigantor was thrown out of the game when he got really excited and started pounding on the heads of the people in front of him like bongos.

3. "Damn, why do we always end up seated in front of the fat guy who has to sing 'My Heart Will Go On' in a piercing falsetto."

4. "Ain't no restrainin' order gonna save your ass if you don't put my kid in now, coach!"

5. Lady Albritten could not wait to show those stuffy British Peers the new Lord Albritten she picked up at the Tennessee State Fair.

6. Call me an aesthete, but I think his shirt and cap should properly be labeled "Gross."

Best of The Man
Andrew Sullivan and Oliver Willis (back right and left) really enjoy their dates to Nets games.

Best of Rodney Dill
"I NEED 4 HOTDOGS, 2 POLISH SAUSAGE, 5 NACHOS, 3 BEERS, 8 PRETZELS, 4 BAGS OF CHIPS, 9 COKES... OK ANYBODY ELSE NEED SUMPTIN'?"

"Hey, #956 I think you're hot!!!"

Best of radio free fred
New Jersey Nets Install Cyborg Space Heaters.

Best of prince of leaves
"Yeah, I'm large, but so what?! I deserve to be loved too! I'm a big, beautiful person, and nobody can take that away from me!"
-- Cyrus picks an inopportune time to have a Dr. Phil Moment.

Best of Cybrludite
Oh-no! There goes Tokyo...

Best of David Simon
Terrence winces as he realizes that he's one achoo away from being peppered with a most disgusting mucous-popcorn-hot dog chunk olio.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
Beyoncé laughed. Jay-Z winced in digust. Rerun shrieked in horror. Jeanne Kirkpatrick cooed with delight. Needless to say, reactions were mixed watching Janet Reno do the lambada during the NBA halftime show.

Best of Submariner
Mike al'Moore remakes "Black Like Me."


Sent to me by Fizzix

Do the Funky Weasel

1. "And then put my arms around Saddam's shoulders, kissed him hard, and let him take me like the horny ape-man he is."

2. "Some German fellow named Dieter instructed me to dance and touch his monkey. What choice did I have?"

3. "I am bringing the noize. With the French, the funk just brings itself."

4. And then, Barney Frank woke up. But the morningwood stayed with him all day.

5. "And then I hold the Islamo-fascist's ass here and pucker up like so..."

6. "Zut Alors! My weasel sense is tingling."

7. Get with the times, chief. Nobody's "vogued" since about 1989.

8. Unlike Chef, no one found it unusual when Chirac started spouting disjointed phrases centering around graphic fantasies of paedophilia.

9. "Dig if U will the picture/Of U and I engaged in a kiss..."

10. "And then Sarkozy said, 'The Muslims are revolting,' and I said, 'Oui, but without them, the continuation of our socialist utopia is impossible.'"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The folks at Ooops, I Crapped My Pants™ display their new ad campaign entitled "Poop Goes The Weasle".

The only thing that could make this picture any more disgusting? Mime make-up and a leotard....Oh wait, that's Galloway's shtick.

We replaced Jacque's regular decaf blend coffee with our special ebola-laced premium java... Let's see how he reacts.

Best of Cybrludite
"Zut alors! My fart, she has dislodged my Ben-Wah balls. Wait, I did not place my Ben-Wah balls in position today..."

Rumsfield creates another international incident by goosing Chriac... with a taser.

Through the use of a super high speed camera, similar to those used for photos of bullets cutting cards and such, we have captured a rare image of a Frenchman between the time he dropped his rifle and the point where he'd have his hands all the way above his head. You can also see him begining to form the word "Kamerad!"

Best of Submariner
No, no, Lebeau was actually an American playing a frog. No one believes we actually resisted...

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"So Michael Moore's man-boobs are out to HERE? Hmmmmmm..."

Best of Jason
Show me how the fishy eats!

Nice, a guy is trying to give a speech on how to properly make balloon animals and you guys are making fun of him. Educate yourselves, morons.

Best of David Simon
"Can someone grab my speech out of my pocket for me, so I don't ruin my manicure."

Best of attmay
Monsieur Chirac has not quite grasped the concept behind "armpit farts."

Best of Robert
Whenever I sense world problems coming my way, I just rub my nipples like this ... and my problems melt away.

Tasha sent me this.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Young Moonbats In Love 1

1. "Hey, babe, what say we go back to my parent's basement and watch Triumph of the Will on the plasma screen in the rec room."

2. "How about I pretend to be the oppressed farm laborer, and you be the exploited slave animal I shoot full of chemicals and then stroke your breasts for milk?"

3. One of these two is about to end up with their head and freezer, but which one?

4. "You silly infidel, you have to lower your keffiyeh before sucking the crack pipe."

5. "I'm... too sexy for my keffiyeh..."

6. Che hat... $26. Keffiyeh... $19. Picking up drug-resistant syphilis from a bad smelling Pali-Hippie, priceless.

7. "How about you pretend to be Rachel Corrie and I pretend to be the bulldozer?"

Best of Van Helsing
"Look what crawled out of my armpit! Isn't it cute?"

Best of radio free fred
"Stick It In Your Ass, That's Where Your Head's At!"

Best of prince of leaves
Yasser Arafat's procurator, still in denial about her former boss' death, continued to prowl protests for "Special Assistant" candidates for years afterwards.

Caption Only catbat could get away with
silence, infidel. they're in a non-monogamous exchange of sociophysical spirituality.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
So brave to demonstrate in public.
So odd to do it sniffing your poo-poo boxers.

Best of David Simon
"I appreciate the compliment, but I'm not that big - or that thick."

"I'll trade you my one-hitter for that kaffiyeh."

"I'll stop wearing my kaffiyeh like this when you brush your teeth and take a bath."

"First you wad up little pieces of paper, then you wet them by putting them in your mouth, then you aim at the pigs and blow."

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"Decapitating infidels is SO hot, Ibrahim! You wanna go play 'Hide the Falafel'?"

Best of jeff
"No dear, I"m not taking it off. I want to preserve the mystery." (and the fact I have an oozing cold sore).

Best of ThatGayConservative
Now is it the women who are supposed to cover their faces or the more effeminate?


From: Zombie

Young Moonbats in Love 2

1. "Just ignore them, Lolita. The right-wing fascists will never appreciate the special love a man can feel for a twelve-year-old transgendered shemale."

2. "All right. So a shorter, wider sign would have accommodated my message without wasted space. At least it's spelled right."

3. "Check it out, Lolita. The protesters with the Palestinian flags are stoning the protesters with the Rainbow flags."

4. "You're still jailbait in the red states, darlin' That's why we're protesting to support the Muslims."

5. Taking advantage of the riots, Christina Ricci's clone escapes from the organ farm.

6. "You told me you were taking me to the beach, not parading me through the NAMGLA convention. I hate you, Milkman Dan!"

Best of WALSTIB
"...and I'm sure the Iraqis will support my right to march in a protest with a scantilly clad young girl at my side. Those Iraqis are the best."

Best of David Simon
"You might have been able to sell more than two billboard ads if you hadn't spent all your time pitching soap and deodorant manufacturers."

Best of andthenblammo!
"I supported the Iraqi resistance...and all I got was this blood-drenched hoodie. And it's MY blood!"

Best of Submariner
Marching proudly with the Rainblow banner and h-er/is "gay pride" bra top visible, Pat was incensed when h-is/er brother tried to take over the parade and make it something dirty; political.

Basketball, soccer, ice dancing, leading a protest; is there nothing beyond Steve Nash's abilities?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Resistance is futile... and a little pungent.

If he truly supports the "Iraqi Resistance", he'll have to off Lolita there for exposing her tater-tots in public

Sign Continues:...And all I got was V.D.

Sign Continues: ...From the safety of my folks basement.

Ever wonder what happened to that older kid the Ingals family took in during the waning days of Little House On The Prairie?

From: Zombie

That Babe From '24'

1. "I'll need $300 to extend your 'naughty prison warden' fantasy another hour, Senator Clinton."

2. "No-body knows... the trouble I've seen..."

3. "Now, why would anyone lock up such a beautiful set of matched luggage," Andrew Sullivan wondered.

4. "The Vice President has promised you complete immunity if you handcuff yourself to the white house fence and shake it a little."

5. I remember this scene. I was terrified that Leo di Caprio would drown before... oh, wait it's a chick.

6. "... and I refuse to leave until the entire western capitalist system is dismantled. Now, bring me a Starbucks."

7. "Oh, c'mon. Big Deal. Pretty much all hot female teachers are jumping on their sixth graders these days. In Florida, it's just a $50 fine."

H/T: Blogs4Bauer ("Hey, you can't do that. That's Cheatin'" Watch me.)Best of sonicfrog
"No-body knows... the trouble I've BEEN..."

Best of Critical Matt
The Christian Peacekeeper group thanked her captives for releasing her making no mention of the fact that Jack Bauer gleefully killed 23 people to secure her release.

Northwest Airlines now handcuffs you and forces you to watch gorillas pummel your luggage unless you pay the extra $15 for your exit row seat.

Best of Submariner
I don't care if you were the DNC nominee for Vice President, John; it's still $200 for 30 minutes.

Well, Ms. Parker; looks like you stay that way 'til we can figure out Jarod's clue...

Don't tell me, don't tell me, I know this one;
"Troubled Catholic Girls in Cell Block D?"

Best of Rodney Dill
Stories From Beyond the Abu Ghraib -- in this week's episode. "Dear Diary, Today I'm gonna attempt the Triple Lyndee."

Best of Occasional Reader
So Jack Bauer gets to handcuff THIS, while the NYPD has to wrestle with a pasty, doughy, midriff-baring Cindy Sheehan. It just isn't fair.

"If Boris weel just come and rescue me from this jay-ul, ve vill be able to get moose and squirrel."

Best of andthenblammo!
"Man, when Ralph's says '10 items or less in this line', they really mean it!"

"Jeez, when Sharon Stone crossed her legs, she got away with murder. This Sullivan guy won't even let me slide on jaywalking!"

Best of prince of leaves
If you like Number Six, you're gonna love Number Nine.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

More Military

1. Roger Corman's "King Kong."

2. "All right, you kids. I warned you to stay offa my lawn. Prepare to be carpet-bombed."

3. The thrilling climax to Honey, I Shrunk the Jumbo Jet.

4. Good, Rocket Boy is distracted. I can Hail Mary this right into the back of his head.

5. "Go Long!"

6. "Yeah, he's trippin' on Iraqi hashish, yeah, he thinks he can fly, but I'm wondering if our best entertainment option is 'talk him down' or 'egg him on.'"

7. Radio-Controlled Airplane Enthusiast on the Roof was a weak sequel to Fiddler.

8. "He keeps sobbing about 'Goose' and vowing to kill those red bastards. Let's get him outta the sun."

Best of Submariner
Ed Wood's special effects lived up to reputation in his remake of "Air Force 1"

The Mexican Army prepares for another drug assault on the southern US.

Camera working? check
Windage calculated? check
Temp over 90°? check
Nudist colony over that fence? check

I'm King of the Hummer! Anybody want to challenge me? (Besides Pvt Sullivan?)

Best of radio free fred
"O.K. Mr. Vice President Pretend It's A Quail!"

Best of Lyn
Tattoo's fantasy finally comes true - he's bigger than de-plane, de-plane.

Best of WALSTIB
"Hey! You can take an eye out like that...."

Best of T. Harris
Top o' the world, Ma! Top o' the world!

Best of David Simon
"No fair. I won't give it back. It's mine. And if you make me give it back, I'll hold my breath until I turn blue."

Best of nevergrewup
After years of discussion and debate the U.N. agrees to a limited air strike against Iran's nuclear facilities.

Best of andthenblammo!
"Oh, this? This is a leftover prototype the Carter administration insisted we build. Offically, it's the B267 Twin-engined Wide-range Airborne Tactical Joint Carrier, or TWAT-JC for short; but we just called it the 'Rabbit Strafer'"

Best of The Man
Snakes on a Remote Control Airplane premiers in April

Damn, Bro, You Are Happy to See Me

1. Andrew Sullivan realized he had to get to Iraq immediately.

2. Unfortunately, they found out too late that Guinness doesn't have a category for anal insertions.

3. 'Ow to speak Orstralian: Strap-on

4. The 101st Airborne prepares for a visit from Paris Hilton.

5. "No, I'm good. She packed my bags last night, pre-flight. Zero-hour, nine A.M."

6. "So this is the Holy Bomb that will rid the planet of damned, dirty apes once and for all. Kewl."

7. "Oh, here's our mistake. We were supposed to strap the electrodes to a Barbie doll." - ORA

8. "Lemmiwinks? What are you doing in there?"

9. "No, this would be overkill. Let's just use the little white missile.

10. "I've stopped worrying, and I love this bomb."

Best of Submariner
"With love; Cap This! readers" Want me to write anything else on it?

Don't worry about running out. I can always ask Uncle T.O. for more Sharpies™

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yea it is cold, at least you didn't stick you tongue to it."

"Yea, I'm pretty sure Slim Pickens didn't ride the rocket that way."

In some places this works better than beads to get women to show you their breasts

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"The warning on the label said that erections could last for hours, but NOTHING about THIS!"

Best of T. Harris
"Hurry up and get that Predator drone loaded up and in the air! The boys over at Intel say there's a vehicle containing Helen Thomas and David Gregory speeding west out of Baghdad."

Best of andthenblammo!
"Honest, this little label says,'TO: Michael Moore, New York, New York. FROM: Just About The Entire Population of the United States. HOW TO USE: Insert anally for fast relief of painful rectal itch. If suppository falls out, pillows can be used to wedge in place. Once inserted, stand in deserted area and pull red tag. DOSAGE: Use as necessary until red disgusting constantly dribbling anus disappears permanently."

Best of ThatGayConservative
"And the LORD spake, saying, first shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, is counted, then lobbest thou thy Holy Rocket of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it."


I'm not telling you where I got this. Neener. Neener. Neener.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Oh, Yeah, Dawn... I Went There

1. "See, Girl, when Oprah says 'bar-hopping,' she mean 'all-you-can-eat-sundae-bar' hopping. We love you Oprah!"

2. Wilt Chamberlain's former conquests meet at a convention. Seated here, Numbers 900-1100, June/July, 1973.

3. "Dammit, Denzel is still in the double digits. We ain't never gonna get no lovin'."

4. "Damn, you said everything on the menu looked good, and damn if you wasn't right."

5. "Someone tell that smart-ass kid I'm not Free Willy."

6. "Note to self," Bill said. "Next time, do not let Hillary screen the new interns."

7. This is the first time I've actually seen a woman so fat that she had other fat women in orbit around her.

8. What's the big deal? Just a normal lunch Buffalo-rush at Church's Chicken.

9. "Giggity, Giggity," ... oh, thank the Lord for John Goodman.

10. You know, I just saw Spanglish and these are the women I would pay to sit on Adam Sandler if he ever feels like making another frackin' chick flick.

Best of The Man
Warning: Objects in the Caption This! segment are larger than they appear.

Best of Rodney Dill
Jerry Springer's Green Room

Best of Submariner
Next up on the auction blocck, #956 is a pleasant-tempered Holstein from Jersey...

When's Dick Gregory coming to help us lose enough to be able to get out of the Superdome?

When Spike Lee holds a "cattle call," he really holds a cattle call!

These ladies are proof that "nobody doesn't like Sara Lee." (or KFC, or Mickey D's, or Ben & Jerry's, or Hungryman dinners, or Kraft Mac & Cheese, or ...)

Best of David Simon
T"his is bullsh*t, officer. When the skinny white dude at Dairy Queen said black cow, how was we supposed to know he was ordering a rootbeer float?"

New allegations of torture surfaced when several Taliban detainees were discovered shackled in the ladies' restroom at Queen Shaniqua's Chicken Shack.

In this case, food stamp is short for food stampede.

Best of jeff

The moments of bliss before running into Southwest Airlines "you take two seats, you pay for two seats" policy.

Little did they realize that their numbers indicated their estimated weight.

Best of andthenblammo!
"Hell, we didn't know that free tickets to the 'Richard Simmons' show meant we'd have to watch some frizzy-haired twinkletoes yap at us about losing weight. So we ate him."

Best of attmay
The casting call to play Shirley the waitress in "What's Happening: The Movie"

Best of nevergrewup
Auditions to find the real life pole dancer who rescues "Chef" of "Southpark" from pedophilia take place today.


Best of radio free fred
"This New Chicken Flavored Lipstick Is Really Good!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Hints From Heloise #57: It's always a good idea to re-apply lipstick after devouring the entire contents of a vending machine.

And, I lost track of who sent this to me, but it seems like something Brenda would send. I have been half-assing the credits lately, and I apologize for that, but I've got a lot on my mind.

Arf, They're Nude

1. Nothin' to see here. Just another Berkeley High School Class Photo.

2. Weird Steet Theater (Inc) presents the Art of Hieronymous Bosch.

3. Nude Mormons gather 'round a statue of Joseph Smith. Actually, I'm just throwing that out in hopes that someday, someone doing a Google search for "Nude Mormons" will end up on this blog.

4. And yet, Andrew Sullivan's insatiable ass was still hungry for more.

5. It could be worse. They could be in lycra biking shorts.

6. Hey, it's never the wrong time for a Whacky Japanese Game Show!

Best of David Simon
With the price of a college education skyrocketing, students are sometimes forced to choose between clothes and dope.

Best of Submariner
Tonight on a very special episode of Friends...

I haven't seen that many publicly-flaunted shortcomings since the 2004 DNC Convention.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Shrinkage!"

"Dang it, I wish Rodney would get over his fear of speaking in public."

Best of The Man
The Enumclaw Class of 1998 were the last class to have the option of choosing the zoo for their Senior trip.

Why yes, we are here to interview as interns for the Clinton Foundation. Why do you ask?

Best of radio free fred
Former Enron Employees Hold Reunion

Crack House Raided, No Drugs Were Found.

Best of A.M. Mora y Leon
Balinese temple monkey convention whose flight got horribly misdirected.

Another Meeting Of Gamblers Anonymous...

Best of WALSTIB
Wow, there must be...57 tits out there!

"No, I'm not poking you with my elbow..."

Inspired by Submariner
Another one of Stewie Griffin's sexy parties get out of hand.

The Devil's Excrement on a tip from Frank at Discarded Lies. Ain't it great to have a blog where The Simpsons gets an ORA tag, but I can just assume everybody will get a Hieronymous Bosch reference?

P.S. Nude Mormons! Nude Mormons! Nude Mormons !Nude Mormons! Nude Mormons!

And Then There was a Wet Splat as Dawn's Head Exploded

1. "Shall I put this pedicure on your FEMA Card, Latrina?" "What do you think, Velvita?"

2. "And so I told him, 'No way, Tyrone. I poop from there.'"

3. "Thank God Barbara Billingsley showed up to translate, or we'd a been there the whole damn day."

4. This could be the set-up for the world's most disturbing adult video.

5. "And now, Mistress Shaqique commands you to clean them with your tongue, worm."

6. "And then, while I was completing my doctoral dissertation on the properties of Bose-Einstein condensates in super-cooled Helium, I figured out how to use cold fusion to provide cheap, clean unlimited energy to the human race." There, Dawn! Are you freakin' happy now?

7. "Laser Straight lets you hang pictures like a pro my ass."

8. "Girl, you have GOT to shave those legs! You look like you got a poodle humping your calf!"

9. The scene that had to be cut from Barbershop to avoid an NC-17 rating.

10. "I wish gay men would stop appropriating our mannerisms."

Best of Cybrludite
Making fun of ladies stuck with stupid sounding names because they were trendy 25 years ago. Nice. Read their story. Educate yourselves, morons.

Then there were the lesbian couple's three adopted sons: Orangelo, Limongelo, and Shi-thead. (The less said about their adopted daughter S'Phylis, the better.)

How to speak N'Awlins: Great-Grandmothers

Best of Divine miss M
"So then she says to me, '...But Jack Daniels ain't no soda pop, it's a hard liquor!' and I go, 'Yep, just like my Leroy!' "

Best of David Simon
LaVitra and Chiquita enjoy a friendly game of This Little Piggy.

From the moment he walked through the door, Tyrone could tell that he hadn't hidden the Colt 45 well enough.

Best of Submariner
Melba, I don't quite know how to tell you this, but from the looks of your foot you got Michael Jackson disease. It starts with you turning white and then you develop a sexual preference for McCauley Culkin...

So Janet asks for a bikini wax and I'll be damned! Turns out she and Micheal really ARE the same person...

Laaaaawd, chile! I've seen bad cases of the "funky foot" before but I ain't never seen one growing mold like this!

Best of T. Harris
"Lawwwwd, have mercy! I can't wait to see the look on Queen Latifah's face when she walks in here and sees I got me a new bitch."

Best of Lyn
So you put your right foot in and you shook it all about?

From the WaPo's Best of 2005 series, linked elsewhere, fair use, standard disclaimers apply.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Chick With a Book Hat

1. Ironically, the book was The Man Who Thought His Wife Was a Hat.

2. In the Paris version, the chick is wearing a burqa and the book is on fire.

3. Rumsfeld disabled the voracious fembot with one well-thrown copy of A La Recherche du Temps Perdu.

4. The bunny with the pancake on its head is s-o-o-o-o-o-o jealous.

5. Who came up with the brilliant idea of having someone who thinks Candide is a shade of nail polish promote literacy?

6. "How to Perform a Home Alignment Check," Chapter 28 of the Stepford Wife Owner's Manual.

7. Endive turned over Mohammed Atta's library records to the FBI, and soon felt the wrath of the American Library Association Mafia.

8. The entire book consists of nothing but a list of reasons she will not date Bill Maher.

9. Each model was told to pick the book that had most influenced her life. Endive chose Sultry Pouting for Dummies.

10. And you thought bibliophilia was just a fancy word for book-collecting.

Best of Phil
In the dress ordered for Jessica Simpson, a coloring book is used.

Best of The Man
Behold, the librarian at the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Don't Read Good.

Muslims took to the streets after a Danish fashion show where the Koran was used as a hat. A peaceful hat.

Best of David Simon
Models learn to walk with books on their heads. Leave it to a blond to strap it on.

Best of andthenblammo!
"So I'm all like, woah, Mr. Bigshot Judge, like, hey, if Granny didn't want to get run over, she should have noticed my cell phone had fallen into my soy latte and that I had to run that red light cause, omigod I was like totally late for Pilates class, so she shouldn't have clopped her walker in front of my Escalade, and the blood totally ruined my wax job, and he's all like, 'Young lady, you're a menace to society, and I'm throwing the book at you!', and I was all like, whatever. Now my head hurts."

Best of radio free fred
"Now That's What I Call A Table Of Contents."

Best of Submariner
Joe Biden loved it; course he claimed to have written it.

The awkward need not apply at Barnes and Noble...

Best of Rodney Dill
"Care for a Ream?"

How to Read Women - for dummies

Best of T. Harris
Hey look, somebody finally figured out a practical use for a Noam Chomsky book!

Best of jbinnout
After creating the internet, Algore asked his friend Bill to come up with a spell checker.

Best of the paperboy
No, no, dear. You strap on this part, and throw the instructions away.

(Freshmen / blondes / Hellen Thomas / Debra Lafave / liberals - take your pick) always attempt the often tried, but never true method of learning by osmosis.

I thought of saving what The Man tipped me to (Yahoo News) for Thursday, but I'll gamble that a hotter chick with less clothing will turn up twixt now and then.

Bush and the Bowl of Green Sh*t

1. "And we found this in Jenna's room. In my estimation, primo sh*t."

2. "You scalped Don King on St. Patrick's Day? What an odd thing to do."

3. "Eat a bowl of this, Mr. President, and it'll unplug your bowels in a jiffy!"

4. "That is not FOOD. That is what food eats. Get your vegan ass outta my White House."

5. "Apparently, you are unfamiliar with the American idiom 'sharing a bowl of weed.'"

6. "Soylent Green, huh? What's in it, people?"

7. "An alien pod plant? Sweet, I'll put it right on the dresser in my bedroom."

8. "Ha! I knew Barry Bonds pissed in my terrarium!"

9. "Dude, I hear that if you drink the water in the bottom of the bowl, you get a monster high."

10. "Damn, my chia pet's gone feral."

Best of Chevy Rose
"It's Clover!? Damn, I'm so out of touch. Who let you into my bubble?"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Hashish!"
"Gesundeit"

"Hey Dad! Want some nice Broccoli."

Best of The Man
Yes, I see the Green Clovers...but where are the Blue Moons, Purple Horseshoes, Red Balloons, and Pink Hearts?

Best of Submariner
♪"Pappa's Got Brand New Nickle Bag!"♪

This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.

Jenna! Barb! Delivery...

Best of WALSTIB
Damn...and it's not even my birthday!

Best of David Simon
"What'd you bring from Ireland Bertie? Waterford crystal? Wedgwood china? Maybe a nice Donegal tweed jacket? Oh goodie; a tacky potted plant. Thanks a heap."

Best of andthenblammo!
"Hey, Cheney, this guy says this herbal poultice would feel good on just about any puncture or abrasion. Wanna take it on your next hunting trip?"

"Yup, this is all we could recover after Crazy Jose ran the ditch mower over poor ol' Cindy Sheehan down in Crawford; I'm still all broken up over it."

Best of Cybrludite
"Note to self: When accepting something that looks like a huge bowl of ganga, I'll endevor to not look baked out of my friggin' gourd"

Best of t. harris
"Laura, tell the girls they'd better come up with a better hidin' place for their stash and they owe me a goldfish."

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"I'll be damned! He IS that lawyer fella from 'Picket Fences', isn't he?"

Best of the paperboy
Mr. Bush is flattered with a gift from Roger the Shrubber.

A bowl of Colon Blow! You shouldn't have!

From Yahoo News, on a tip from Brenda, who thinks this may be the "dopiest Bush pic ever." Who am I to argue?

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Another Lileks Nightmare

1. "Hey, Mrs. LeTourneau, they're playing our song... 'Oh, me so horny, oh, me so horny...'"

2. "Hey, if you're half the hosebag grandma used to be, you're going to need monster-sized sex aids when you get to seventy, too."

3. "I'm so happy you found a loophole in that restraining order, Mrs. Letourneau."

4. "Oh, crap, grandpa's screaming 'F**kin' gooks aren't gonna take me alive' and goin' after Uncle Roy with a hot barbecue skewer."

5. "Yes, Mrs. Letourneau, the diamond dog collar does look 'fetching.' Now, what say you get down on all fours."

6. Click "Tornado warning, shmornado warning. Let nothing come between me and the admiration of your perky breasts."

7. "These Little Giant Brand Weiners are making me thirsty!"

8. "Hey, just ignore the old bat. Check out the size of her vodka flask and tell me what business she has callin' you a skank?"

9. "Oh, fabulous. An ABBA Marathon! Turn it up!" Mrs Letourneau finally figures out why Billy is so immune to her charms.

10. "And that'sh when Goering shays to me, he shays, Berneesh, you're right. That'sh eckshackly what we need to do about the Jewsh..." "Hey, let's just turn this up louder so we don't have to listen to her."

Best of Right Wing Animator
Danny, put another round in that woman over there! Look! She's a twitcher!

Best of WALSTIB
Lili: Would you like another schnitzengruben?
Bart: No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.

Best of Submariner
And now, babe, a little Barry White to put you in the mood...

Gramma: "I'm going to the washroom now, I'm taking the, uh, er, um, paper! Yeah, the paper. I'll probably be about 15-20 minutes so don't anyone worry - or come looking for me, or anything like that. I'll be fine, really..."

Oh, honey; I think 6 years is long enough for you to nurse... Ready to take it to another level?

Best of The Man
They call it an "Enumclaw Horsehound" for a reason Jimmy.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Get your hand off the knob and stop playing with your wiener."

"Yes Timmy, Grandma is about to detonate the hand held thermonuclear device, Allahu Akbar!"

"Could I have some more milf.. I mean milk please?"

Best of WhoopsieDaisey
Mom, I'm not real sure how to say this, but our little "frottage" fun? It just isn't enough for me anymore...

I had Granny last night, but you're still the best, Mrs. Letourneau!

Next, maybe I can eat your "hot dog" and you can eat my "taco" OK, Billy?

Best of Van Helsing
"Gosh, Mom. It feels swell when you put your foot there and rub like that!"

Best of David Simon
"You're right, Mable. Some Ronrico 151 really does make this Hawaiian Punch crap taste good."

Best of David Simon
"It's MY radio lady. Touch the dial again, and I'll break your arm."

"No I don't want to play ball with the men. I want to listen to the Barbara Streisand marathon on WFAG."

Best of T. Harris
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.....until Dad gets his left hand crushed by Junior's home run swing.

Best of andthenblammo!
"Needs more cowbell."

"He's so cute", thought Mrs. Moore,"But that's the fifteenth hot dog Michael's had today. I hope he's not developing some kind of eating disorder. And why doesn't he listen to something other than Public Radio?"

Once again from Plan 59, on a tip from Discarded Lies.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Saturday of the Horrible Ginger Kids, Part II

1. Van deKamps Pork, Beans, and Eternal Souls. It's Hell-licious!

2. One of the upsides of eternal damnation was how spectacularly your farts lit up in hell.

3. The Demonic imp smiled, "Look, while I was tormenting McLean Stevenson's soul, he dropped his hat. Mine now!"

4. Hey! It's my favorite episode of The Andy Griffith Show, "Opie's Possession."

5. Danny Elfman as a child, loved his beans, and the fragrant music that followed as surely as boingo followed oingo.

Best of Rodney Dill
Pooter Libby as a child

Best of andthenblammo!
"Yeah, laugh all you want to at me polishing off 6 cans a day of this stuff, but guess who is the one kid those creepy camp counselors leave alone? Plus I get the whole swimming pool to myself every time I jump in! Bonus!"

Best of prince of leaves
"And they all said I was too young to earn my Summoning Satan merit badge this summer. They'll learn how wrong they were -- oh how they'll learn! Muhahahahahahhhh!!!"

Best of Submariner
Damien; "I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Demille..."

"It's only corporal punishment" my @ss! If Mrs. LeTourneau paddles me today, she's getting a "surprise ending!"

Tonight on Biography:Jay North, the dark years before he met a transgendered dog

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
Young Hannibal Lecter would soon be enraged upon discovering that it wasn't fava beans that he was eating!

Best of The Man
Van De Kamp's beans: The Weapons of Ass Destruction.

Best of WhoopsieDaisey
Mr. Sullivan says they make it feel like I'm "internally ribbed for pleasure," whatever that means...

Best of andthenblammo!
"Sure an' don't warry, these be Irish pork an' beans; they only have two hundred and thirty-nine beans in a can. One more, and they'd be two-farty!"

Best of Cybrludite
REDRUM! REDRUM! REDRUM!

From Plan 59, on a tip from Discarded Lies.

Saturday of the Horrible Ginger Kids, Part I

1. "That's it Billy. Eat 'em up. Consuming the entrails of your enemies will make you big and strong."

2. 2nd place winner: "Something More Hideous Than Helen Thomas Competition," 2002.

3. Norman Rockwell's Cannibal Zombie Child.

4. "Thanks for making us lunch, Mrs. Bobbitt."

5. While adults were routinely shocked by Billy's spot-on recreation of the diner scene in When Harry Met Sally, it did win him a weekend at the new al-Neverland Ranch in Bahrain.

Best of David Simon
"Oh boy, I can't wait for you to show me all the new tricks I can do with these bread sticks, Mr. Sullivan."

Best of Anonymous
"Drink milk for strong bones and healthy teeth. Got any other great advice for me, ma?"

Best of Rodney Dill
"...with a nice Chianti."

Best of WALSTIB
"Mom! This new recipe is Great! What did ya say that ingredient was called...ampheti-what?

Best of radio free fred
"Hey Beaver Ya Wanna Go Choke A Chicken After Lunch?"

Best of Submariner
This is great, mom! Can we have Placenta Helper™ every Wednesday?

June? Don't you think the Beave's teeth look like they need sharpening again?

Best of The Man
Andrew Sullivan's mother was happy that he would eat his meals...but the sucking on Hot Dogs was getting on her nerves.

Best of nevergrewup
Little Billy ate so much spaghetti that it was oozing out of every pore in his body.


From Plan 59, on a tip from Discarded Lies.

Friday, March 17, 2006

More March Madness

1. "Your 'Scanner' powers have no effect on me, Mr. Gillispie."

2. "Me so solly. You wantee the flied lice?"

3. "You callin' me a psycho! I'll rip out your eyeballs and use your skull as an ashtray!"

4. ORA --- "La-la-la-la Miss Saigon. La-la-la-la Miss Saigon."

5. "Come on, ref, you know the words. 'Three little maids from school are we...'"

6. "I've got a date with Marlee Matlin later. Is this the correct sign language for, 'Trust me, it just feels better without a condom?'"

Best of G&R .
Listen, I'm only going to explain this to you one more time. It's "heads, shoulders, knees, and toes . . . knees and toes."

Best of Divine Miss M .
"These eyes...are cryin'!
These eyes have seen a lot of love
but they're never gonna see another one
like I had with yooooooouuuu!"

Best of sonicfrog .
For the last time! We're not the University of Philidalphia, We're Temple!! TEMPLE!!!!

Best of Rodney Dill .
"Honest, Timmy's eating my brains for lunch, I got nothin' left up here."

Best of WALSTIB .
"Hey Ref, cut me a little slack...my kids put Krazy Glue on my fingers, and...."

Best of David Simon .
"Simon says put your fingers on your temples. Now put your finger up your ass. Haha got you. I didn't say Simon says."

"I had bangs down to here before my new hairdresser, Andrew Sullivan, suggested that I go short and sassy."

Best of Submariner .
"...and your mother smelt of elderberries..."

ROTO-REUTERS/Mark Wallheiser

Does This Look Infected?

1. "That smells like Paula Abdul, bro'" "Wrong, it's Clay Aiken."

2. "Sniper!"

3. "Dude, my hands are, like, huge."

4. "There, third row behind the bench. She's totally not wearing panties."

5. A young David Palmer wonders if he's in good hands with this particular ref.

6. "You've got a little schmutz on your cheek. Here, I'll get it."

Best of Submariner .
Smells like "teen spirit," don't it?

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell .
Player: "C'mon, Coach! Don't let this ref pick my nose!"
Coach: "Sorry, Kamal, but he said he'll waive the foul if you let him. I know, it's sick, but we're down by two right now!"

"Watch, Coach! I bet Kamal will fall for the old 'Curly poke to the eyes' trick!"

"Had you gone to Texas instead of A&M, Kamal, you could have had that Satanic cheerleader right up there!"

Best of The Man .
YOU. Screwed up my Yahoo! March Madness Bracket.

Best of David Simon .
"No, I'm not gonna pull it. I meant to say truth and you know it."

"Okay Kamal, let's start over. First comes one, next comes two. Damn, I hate these new academic standards for college athletes."

"He just called me a poopyhead, coach."

Best of Rodney Dill .
"He said his cheerleaders were gonna hex me."

Best of sonicfrog .
"...and now for something completely different: a man with a tape recorder up his nose..."

Best of Silhouette .
No, this is the sign for "D". You're doing the sign for "happy."

Best of Submariner .
Really, Kwame. Wipe your face before leaving the opposing team's locker room...

Best of Anonymous .
Don't give me any of that "Whatchew talkin' bout, Willis?" stuff, young man. Mr. ATF Agent here is going to keep your MAC-10 up in the Press Box until after the game, and that's all there is to it!

Best of WALSTIB .
Ref: Sh*t man, that honky mus' be messin' my old lady... got to be runnin' cold upside down his head. You know?
Kamal: Hey home, I can dig it. You know he ain't gonna lay no mo' big rap up on you man.
Ref: I say hey sky, s'other s'ay I wan say?
Kamal: UH...
Ref: Pray to J I get the same ol' same ol'.
Kamal: Eh. Yo knock yourself a pro slick, gray matter live performas down now take TCB'in man.
Ref: Hey, you know what they say... See a broad, to get that booty yak 'em.
Ref and Kamal: Leg 'er down 'n smack 'em yak 'em
Ref: Cold got to be. You know? Shiiiiit.

Best of D-Max .
"My butt itches and my finger smells."

Best of Van Helsing .
"Isn't that booger driving you crazy?"



(I'm also not that into basketball) ROTO-REUTERS/Mark Wallheiser

Kiss Me, I'm Drunk!

1. "For th'last time. I am NOT Magically Delicious."

2. "Who wants to see my shillelagh and kiss me Blarney Stone?"

3. "That's right. Give to Sinn Fein and nothing will happen when you start your car tomorrow."

4. "Check out 'Erin Goes Bragh-less' in the second row over there."

5. Pepe thought a St. Patrick's Day Parade was the perfect place to hide from the INS. The sombrero was a dead giveaway though.
Three guesses as to why the Leprechaun is smiling and the Bishop has a green beard! - Cybrludite

"And over here, we have the Ulster wing of the gay parade." - David Simon (Where when Patrick says to Gerald, "Let's go blow some Protestants," it has a totally different meaning.) - V

From the looks of some of the participants, you can definitely see that the potato famine is over. - David Simon

And over here, a Tennessee Vol is getting the crap beat out of him with the traditional shillelagh. Next time back ND or BC, @$$wipe. - Submariner

David Simon said...
k.d. lang isn't Irish, but any excuse to dress up in drag will do. - David Simon

"I wish I would've remembered that this getup didn't have a zipper before I pounded all that Guiness." - - David Simon

"Well skin me shillelagh and take me pot 'o gold, Bishop! Look at the smelly pirate hookers we overlooked Thursday last..". . - Submariner

That ain't Waldo, Bishop! That's the long lost Prough91! - Submariner

The Boston Celtics hold the dubious distinction of having the queerest fans in professional sports. - David Simon

I think Irish prostitutes would get more action if they could figure out how to spell "lay." - David Simon

Nothing to see here folks; just Joseph Smith in a green suit and sombrero marching with a drunk Bishop - searching for "large American breasts" to give beads to. Move along, now... - Submariner

(I'm very tired and drained today, for various reasons, none of them particularly interesting. I'm just gonna caption light, and frequently update the Best of... I've also never been really into St. Patrick Day. Has anyone ever noticed there's a direct correlation between an ethnic group's stereotypical association with drunkenness and violence and the likelihood that they get their own parade-infested national holiday? Don't get me wrong, I think the Irish rock, I find them among the most lively, interesting, and physically attractive nationalities. I am just acknowledging that the stereotype exists. My ancestry is Swiss, but there are no annual parades for fancy knives and really accurate watches. Sorry for the rant, I'm just really tired. Photo: Brandy Baker. Detroit News Photoblog. I disclaim everything.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

I'd Buy That For a Dollar

1. "Oh, don't you wish every girl was lucky enough grow up with a grandpa with magic hands like yours?"

2. "Now, watch as I make a Mentos magically appear under your left breast."

3. Uh-Oh! Cameras! "Ahem, and that, young lady, is how you unbutton a blouse in order to perform emergency CPR. This knowledge could save a life one day."

4. How to speak... pretty much any language on Earth: Lecher

5. Man, I am so looking forward to reading the 'Educate yourselves, Morons' captions on this one.

6. "Who would have thought that chubby little ginger boy in the pumpkin shirt would grow up to be such a fetching young lass?"

7. "Got a kiss for grandpa? How 'bout a screw?"

8. "Oh, Grandpa, you can't just come up and fondle my breasts like you did when I was little. You gotta pay like all the other johns."

Best of the paperboy .
Why, we're simply exchanging long protein strings. Can you think of a better way???

The alien symbiote finding that it prefers females to aging men with indigestion, prepares to transfer to another host in its insatiable quest for heavy metal music and high powered sports cars.

Best of Rodney Dill .
"Ya want that super-sized?"

Best of Submariner .
Gift wrapped Chinese horse-cock for me! Oh grandpa; you shouldn't have - seriously - now mom'll want to borrow it...

♪She sticks her left hand in;♪
♪She pulls her left hand out.♪
♪She sticks her left hand in;♪
♪And she shakes me all about...♪

Best of David Simon .
"No, no senora. You do not courtsey until I lie down."

"So, you can't see a thing without your glasses. Well let's see, I've got the face of Heath Ledger, the body of Mathew McConaughey and the penis of Ewan McGregor."

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell .
Max Cleland may only have one good appendage, but he sure knows how to use it!

Best of A.M. Mora y Leon .
'I'm trying to be restrained, it's this new Evita who's horny.'

Hat Tip: AM Mora y Leon and Yahoo News

Satan's Cheerleaders

1. It started when the school board banned "Merry Christmas..." and then just kind of snowballed.

2. "Satan! Satan! He's our man! If he can't damn your soul to the dark smoking pit of eternal torment, no one can!"

3. Some people thought burning a pentagram into the gym floor to consecrate the blood sacrifice of a freshman went a little too far, but they stopped complaining when the team went 12 - 0.

4. The Swim Team also went undefeated when every other school forfeited rather than swim in an Olympic-sized pool of human blood.

5. The image that got Marilyn Manson through those lonely nights in high school.

6. During the Tribulation, the anti-Christ will hold pep rallies to encourage those Left Behind to accept his mark.

7. The Squad from Michael Newdow High thought they were a shoo-in to win the National Cheerleading Championship until they saw the squad from Enumclaw High lead the Budweiser Clydesdales into the arena.

Best of Rodney Dill .
The 999 Girl had called in sick that day so the squad was passed over by the Carolina Panthers.

Best of Submariner .
In their next formation, the 5 in red formed a pentogram with their legs and Rosemary, the girl in white, conceived the antichrist in the apex gap between their thighs.

And in an amazing coincidence, each of our phone numbers start with 900...

Nothing to see here; just the Mohammed High Pep Squad practicing their world-famous, 9 Aisha rollover. Just move along, folks.

Best of Cybrludite .
Making fun of satanic cheerleaders trying to steal our souls. Nice. Read their story. Educate yourselves, morons.

Satanica, I wish I knew how to quit you! (WIthout having to forfit my soul, that is...)

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Where Else But Japan?

1. Twiki got lucky a lot more often after Buck introduced him to a little 20th Century invention known as Roofies.

2. Early Cylon models where much more user-friendly. It was only after they were tricked out with chrome and other urban accessories that they turned violent.

3. Sci-Fi geeks objected less to the Asian paedophilia theme than the did to the abandonment of the gorilla suit and diving helmet in Ang Lee's remake of Robot Monster.

4. Upon learning that his next assignment was massage therapy for Cindy Sheehan, the robot self-destructed.

5. Japanese custom requires ritual seppuku when your date is stolen by a robot.

6. After yet another grisly fatality, the Wang Corporation decided to make their "Nursing Home Careworker" and "Laundry Folding" Robots more distinct in appearance.

7. Cue p0rn music in 5... 4... 3...

Best of Submariner .
"Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and you challenge me only with putting your whore to bed."

"...and for breakfast, I have an automatic juicer on top..."

The African consultant looked at SexBot 1.0 skeptically. "What the hell do you mean that it's oral orifice is 'anatomically sized' for male pleasure? What male?"

Best of nevergrewup .
Japan, tired of being accused of treating it's old people in an inhuman manner, creates a robot to counter the accusation.

Great, but can it sit for hours and listen to the same stories being told and retold and retold.

Best of Lyn .
I, Robot. You, Jane.

Best of the paperboy .
Can't sleep, robot'll eat me! Can't sleep, robot'll eat me!

Best of andthenblammo! .
"Say 'Me so Ronery' again. That always makes me giggle!"

Best of radio free fred .
"As The Big Green Machine Carries Suzey Butterfly To His Bedroom, He Wonders If His Hard Drive Is Up To The Task At Hand."

Best of Mr. Right .
"I am Bender... please insert girder."

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell .
Twiki creeped everyone out when he said "Bee-dee-bee-dee-bee-dee...giggity-giggity!"

Welcome to Sprockets-san! I am your host Heideki. Today we will be reviewing the new avant-garte play entitled "The Robot, The Maiden, and the Unescapable Grasp of Ennui."

AFP/JJI Photo on a Hat Tip from Franco at Discarded Lies

Fair and Balanced

1. It's not easy being green, but the view is okay.

2. Looks like the Stargate's event horizon could use some chlorine.

3. "I don't know, what do you get when you cross a tsunami with an algae bloom?"

4. Her juggling skills were minimal, but she nevertheless held the audience's rap attention.

5. "Good morning, campers. V just thought you guys might appreciate a pic that had no obvious Andrew Sullivan implications."

6. "Damn, lost another Mentos."

7. "All right, fine. I'll stimulate my own erogenous zones."

8. "That's it? Armpit farts? Move aside, amateurs."

Best of Submariner
What do ya think of these, Connie Chung?

Steve Martin isn't gonna fool me with that "Your breasts needed straightening" line again...

"Zonapelucidae?" Zonapelucidae! You gotta be f'n kidding me! The bimbo before me gets "star" and I get "zonapelucidae?" Crap! OK, just use that f'er in a sentence."

Best of T. Harris
Can you believe that Jimmy Kimmel gets to play with these?

Best of Rodney Dill
"No I can't move my hands, Ben Stiller is wearing his stupid green suit again and keeps trying to expose my boobs."

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"Mary had a little lamb, its face as white as snow.
If I do this every day,my breasts will surely grow!"

"I don't understand why you want me to do this, but you are the junior Senator from New York, so what the hey!"

From Roto-Reuters on a tip from Cooter Davenport.

Debbie Does CSPAN

1. The worst part about breaking up with Debbie Stupidcow was how she took to the Senate floor to critique your sexual performance, as Barack Obama was about to find out.

2. Other placards would follow. "Hideously Obese." "Embarrassingly Stupid." "Uglier Than Mikulski."

3. The Democrats frank admission was followed by a big "Duh!" from the voting public.

4. Debbie Stupidcow vigorously denounces V the K's captioning skills after being rejected for Hot Chick Thursday.

5. Is this slogan any less ridiculous for the Democrats than "America Can Do Better." I mean, duh, of course, American can do better, that's why you guys lose.

Best of Rodney Dill
"...but I saved $168 by switching to Geico."

"... But enough about Ted Kennedy."

Best of Van Helsing
"But I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night."

Best of Submarienr
The DNC begins discussion for its 2008 party planks. "Honesty" was subsequently rejected by the membership on the first vote.

Marv Alberts describes the NFL tie-breaking system.

Best of Rodney Dill
"What was really difficult was finding shoes and a purse to match my jacket and sign."

Best of Lyn
Billy Packer's mom describing the NCAA selection committee.

Best of Robert
A dislexic misinterprets the sign to say, "Dangerously Incontinent" and runs out of the chamber screaming, "She's gonna blow!"

Best of Mr. Right
Sen. Debbie Stabenow (D-MI) speaks at the unveiling of the new and improved James Earl Carter Presidential Library.

Best of Anonymous
Glad to see them making their nametags big enough to read from the back row seats.


This is going around the net so fast, I don't even gots to source it, but I saw it first on NRO. Originally, I thought, how can you cap something that comes pre-captioned? But, then I realized there were possibilities. GOP and College is featuring it also.