Tuesday, February 28, 2006

When Is a Chicken Like a Cat?

1. "He's magnificent," Andrew Sullivan whispered huskily. "I must have him."

2. What Markos Zuniga would be doing today if Al Gore had not invented the internet.

3. A sleepover at the Neverland Ranch can have lifelong consequences.

4. How nature says, "Do not touch."

5. Mr. Craig the shop teacher finally comes out about his illicit relationship with Mr. Rothwell, the drama teacher during a Kenwood High pep rally.

6. Although the producers of '24' were very impressed with Keanu Reeves' subtle portrayal of one man's descent into madness, they decided to go with Sean Astin instead.

7. According to legend, Dick Cheney once used a mountain lion as a condom. John Kerry on the other hand...

8. After the marathon committee ran out of loincloths, latecomers had to make-do.

9. The PETA nutbag who canged his name to KentuckyFriedCrueltydotcom takes the next logical step.

10. Well, I think what we can guess what at least one of the 11 herbs and spices was.

Best of Dusty .
In his next movie, Alec Baldwin will portray Dan Rather.

Best of T. Harris .
What a dumbass. Everyone knows that rubber chickens go with penny loafers, not high-tops.

Best of jeff .
It was all fun and games until the tape holding the chicken on... had to come off.

Best of Rodney Dill .
One of the events you never see in the Olympic televised coverage is what they do to the person that places last in the Luge.

Jim Perdue was a troubled young adult.

Best of Rodney .
"Can I get the boneless chicken instead?"

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell .
Kato Kaelin has REALLY hit rock bottom these days, hasn't he?

Best of Submariner .
Uh, Matt? When Katie told you to go "choke yer chicken," that's not exactly what she meant.

Oh, Foghorn, I wish I knew how to quit you...

After the cop grabbed the chicken, he still didn't require pixellation on ABC. Lanny kept screaming "It's freakin' cold, dammit. That's all!"

Best of Critical Matt .
Will you buy a car from this man? Bill Ford shows off his new Volvo ad campaign targeting eco friendly buyers...

Best of The Man .
Q:Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:Because it was taped to the GoldenPalace.com guy.

Best of jbinnout .
At least he's not going off half cocked.

Best of sonicfrog .
"Bicock! Bicock!"

Nice Cock!!! There! I Said It!

Best of Son Of The Godfather .
"Bartender?... I'll have what he's having."

This is Bob.
Why does Bob look so unhappy?
Perhaps it's because he hasn't tried Enzyte™ for that dead pecker between his legs.

"Good Evening, Mr.Submariner... I'm here to pick up your daughter for prom..."

"For Christ's sake, man, show some class! You're at Berkeley after all! Those gloves will never go with that hat!"

The reprogrammed Dorkinater-1000 had been successfully sent back in time to destroy the leader of the Dork Rebellion in the present. Al Franken would have to watch over his shoulder from now on.

Best of TGC .
The precise moment when the Mr. Gumby sketches ceased to be funny.

Thanks: Russ in Oregon.

Stop Saying "Awwww" And Just Caption Damn You

1. Toonces strays into a bad neighborhood.

2. Ah, a pedigreed French Short-Haired Tabby.

3. "Come on, Toonces. Pull it! And we'll make it on Letterman for sure."

4. Another sad example of violent kitty p0rn.

5. "No! No! Anything but Andrew Sullivan's ass! I'll be good!"

6. "J'accuse!"

7. "Does this bother you? I'm not touching you."

8. "You got me dead to rights, doc. Would you like to shoot me here, or wait till we get home?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Get in the cradle with that silver spoon NOW!"

"Halt! Ver are your [vaccination] papers?"

Best of Anonymous
Yo, Kobe! I'm open!

Best of BurningBunnie
I was pretty dissapointed when i clicked on the link to 'fingering pussy'

Best of jbinnout
"Do I smell tuna fish on your breath?"
"Ummmmeow no, but I think I smell tuna on your finger."

Me? No, it was Garfield, I swear!

Best of Six degrees of blondness
"No! I will NOT go 'heHEE!' like the Pillsbury Doughboy!"

Best of Chevy Rose
Pussy Cats Bible -
Chapter One: "How To Become Man's Favorite Pet"
Rule #1: Piss on wall so family dog is blamed.
Rule #2: Don't get caught doing Rule #1.

Best of Cybrludite
Glenn Renyolds is all out of puppies. You're next in the blender...

Best of WALSTIB
"...and next time I catch you making out with my wife it's down to the Korean restaurant for you, Fluffers".

"I swear Mr. Terrorist. I'm not the one who told the motorcade to turn around. It must have been that very bad man Jack Bauer".

Best of Rodney Dill
"B B B Big M M M Mouse"

"OK Cat, did you move the 'Best of' from the Old Farts to under the Saturday Americana?"

Best of T. Harris
"Oh no, it's the Flying Fickle Finger of Feline Fate!"

"Told ya, honey. This damn kitten IS French!"

Best of bad-d-d-dude
"Are you now, or have you ever been a Bodeist?"

Best of Submariner
Actually backed into a corner before it surrendered? Can't be French...

"...up a smelly pirate hooker; what's it smell like to you?"

"...that cat Shaft?"
"Uh huh. He's a bad muthah..."
"Shut your mouth!"

Nermal replied, "I don't care what your fetish is, buddy. You ain't shaving me!"

Inspired by radio free fred
"Back off, Ted Nugent. You don't wanna f*ck with me!"

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
Having seen what Michael Moore's fart did to the other victims, Toonces tried to negotiate himself out of having to pull Moore's finger.

Source: China News. Hat tip: Divine Miss M

Monday, February 27, 2006

Asian Loincloth Invasion

1. Andrew Sullivan is dismayed to see the cops have raided the Chinatown bath house.

2. Ang Lee Announces Auditions for Tarzan, Lord of Brokeback Jungle

3. After the use of bulls is outlawed by Animal Rights Activists at the EU, Pamplona inaugurates its first annual "Running of the Chinese Guys in Loincloths."

4. After the 49ers won the Superbowl, the rioting on Castro Street resulted in the burning of over 1,400 Cabriolets and Miatas.

5. At first, I wondered what could make so many men run around in loincloths, then I saw the giant doobie on the left side of the screen.

6. Chinese officials are still trying to figure out a way to "out-weird" the Italians in the Opening Ceremonies for the 2008 Beijing Olympics.

7. Aw, crap. The clones have escaped from Dr. Hwang's lab and are searching for their 'Clone-Daddies.'

8. Today's Klan! Lighter! Sportier! Not afraid to show it's face!

Best of jeff
When asked later why they ran, one of the participants replied, "Did you see what they tied those loincloths off to, man?!?"

Best of Lyn
I don't know but I've been told;
Sumo thongs stop jock-itch mold.
Sound off! Left, right, left, right.

Best of Anonymous
20 men share a common nightmare about dancing in a public place wearing nothing but their socks and their underwear, somewhere outside a shrine located in... The Twilight Zone.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Casual Friday" seemed to be a hit at the temple.

And you thought the cleaning service at that hotel you just stayed at took your towels to have them washed, didn't you?

Best of T. Harris
Recently released Abu Ghraib prisoners are on the march to show the world that deep down, they really rather enjoy humiliation.

"Okay guys, grab ahold of that rope and PULL! Remember, the losers have to go out in public and wear embarrassing outfits."

Best of Submariner
Godzirrah! Godzirrah!

After the Pride Parade, Heath immediately bought matching Sumo outfits for wrasslin' around with Jake in the pup tent up on the mountain.

All the Spermies understood that undress rehearsal was critical to the success of the protest.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"Dammit, Heideki, I wish I knew how to quit you!"


Borrowed from the Clinton News Network, on a tip from Divine Miss M.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Leftover 'cana

1. Suddenly, Earl's Spidey Sense was tingling.

2. "I have done as you have commanded, Lord. The walls of the temple are washed with the blood of the unbelievers. Also, I trimmed the hedges."

3. "Two jumbo jets in a mid-air collision. Damn, that debris is gonna wreck my azaleas."

4. "So, you're the angel Moroni? I always thought you'd be taller."

5. "Gee, Martha, that branch juct barely missed us. Martha? Martha?"

6. "And, lo, I beheld a white horse, and on him was a smelly pirate hooker. And there went out a horse that was red, and on him was a chubby kid in a pumpkin T-shirt. And then I beheld a black horse, and on him was a porky, bald, Englishman, and in his hand held he a beagle, and a leather hood, and a dildo. And behold, a pale horse, and the name that sat upon him was Kobe, and, lo, he was open." --- Book of Captions, 771:6

7. "No one believes you're really gonna jump off the roof, Billy. They say you're too much of a p*ssy and a chikensh*t. Prove 'em wrong, Billy. Prove 'em wrong!"

8. "That's an excellent point, Lord. Why do I clothe myself when the Backyard of Eden provides all that I need."

9. KA-BOOM! "Damn, there goes the meth lab."

10. "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope."

11. "Surrender... Dorothy?"

Best of T. Harris
As Bill looked up and saw the humongous Milwaukee's Best Lite can about to crush out his existence, he had a split second to regret not spending this Sunday watching the NASCAR race with the boys.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Din't you say, Bring me a shrubbery?"

"Dang, I liked that cat too."

Best of jeff
Ooooh, George that looks like it hurt - but if we put it on ice they can sew it back on just like that Bobbit feller!

Best of The Man
Slingblade 2 will probably go straight to video.

Best of Chevy Rose
"Bruce, I'm thinkin' you'se on the wrong end of that limb to be cuttin'."

"BETTY!, you'd better phone Edison Electric, and EMS. Bruce done locked up my new chainsaw on what I thought was a vine on this here old tree....Boy! Is he a sparkin'."

Best of Cybrludite
More of the Salt Lake City RHPS cast. It's Riff-Raff!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Larry and Earl proved just what two men motivated by a 12-pack of beer can accomplish with simply a single lawn chair, four weather balloons, and a tank full of helium.

Arkansas garden gnome.

Best of Submariner
Oh ennui, why won't you >CCCRRRACK!< Thump!

It's raining men! Oh crap!, it's raining men!

Americana from the usual place with the usual disclaimers and the usual fair use.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Saturday Americana

1. "Someday, I will escape this cruel childhood, and become the most princessy male figure skater the world has ever seen!"

2. "Please, no more erotic catfights. I'll be good! I'll be good!"

3. March 1998: Inspired by her president, Madeleine Albright closes in on a young intern and prepares to make her move.

4. "Cinderella? Little Red Riding Hood? Bush blew up the levees to kill the black people in New Orleans? Which fairy-tale are we acting out?"

5. "Why do you and Aunt Butch always get to go to the Pride Ball while I'm stuck here cleaning?"

6. Seeing that Aunt Butch had "that look" in her eye, Cousin Jenny closes her eyes and looks for her happy place.

7. "(SOB!) Ellen DeGeneres said I was too femme!"

8. Pearl Forrester and Fred Savage star in Jean Genet's The Maids.

9. (SOB) "None of my captions ever make the Best of List."

10. "Mirror, Mirror, on the wall. Who's the butchest dyke of all?"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Oh please give it to me mother I've always wanted the Harry Potter broomstick with real vibrating action."

Best of Divine miss M
Virgins, put on your "no entry" signs! We are about to confront... guys!

Best of the paperboy
"I want you to go back, Carmen, back, back to before the lifetime where you were an old woman and Victoria was a cat. What do you see?"

Best of Six Degrees of Blondness
"I've always wanted to portray Linda Blair in 'Born Innocent'!"

Best of nevergrewup
"It was just one tiny little fart. I'm sorry" said the maid. "Just for that you can spend the rest of the night under my dress and I ate bratwurst and sauerkraut"

Best of Cybrludite
The Salt Lake City cast of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" (Columbia & Magenta, repectively)

Lavina Whately's mother explanes what fate has in store for her...

Best of Dusty
Peggy Noonan pleads with the airport security guard to let her through.

Best of The Man
You can't lick carpet with a broom!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Who knew that Tanya Harding and Rosie O'Donnell dated in college?

Best of Lyn
Repugnant, Repugnant, let down your hair.

This and pretty much anything labeled Americana comes from here. Usual disclaimer applies.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Welcome to Weekend Americana

1. The Eastside Swingers Club has been meeting every Thursday since 1969.

2. The vote was unanimous. Young people suck.

3. "Aw, screw the law. I say we all vote 'Guilty' and nail that Martha Stewart biyatch."

4. The producers of The Apprentice present a new reality series, The Wal-Mart Greeter

5. "The Sun City Residents Association... you'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villany."

6. "All right! We were all molested by Strom Thurmond. It was highly traumatic! Leave us alone."

7. "Is that true, Earl. All of us are listed on your 'dead pool?'"

8. "Ssssh, quiet everyone... the 60 Minutes viewing party is about to begin."

Best of Lyn
The first contestants in the new reality show, Grandparent Swap.

Best of Cybrludite
Meanwhile, back in God's waiting room...

Best of the paperboy
Shocked and amazed, the residents of the Golden Sunset retirement home watched image after image from "Caption This" emerge on the computer screen. Flo, who was the only one who could read the captions blurted out "Hell in a handbasket!" and stormed out.

Best of WALSTIB
The unsuspecting wives clearly did not expect the group-wedgie the men were about to pull on them.

Best of Rodney Dill
Fred and Fannies Fabulous Flatulent Follies musical ensemble practiced for years before perfecting the 1812 Overture

"G-- D--- grandkids keep saying "im-ho-tep... Im-ho-tep..." everytime they come to visit.

Best of sonicfrog
SCOTUS - 2020!

Best of Dusty
And the sad thing is, this is only their TENTH annual high school reunion!

V the K (Riffing on Dusty and making an ORA)
"Progeria: Nature's Cruelest Joke."

Best of The Man
Here is a sample of people who do NOT watch 24 on Monday nights.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Madge arrived home to discover an intervention stemming from her Metamucil addiction.

Kevin Bacon was tersely reminded that dancing in this town was strictly forbidden.

Interesting Lamaze class this year.

Animal Hygiene Friday Continues on Cap This!

1. When Madonna announced a visit to Enumclaw, the locals had to be prepared for anything.

2. Jane Fonda's dental hygiene fetish was tame compared to Ted Turner's bison-enema fetish.

3. Historians have mostly overlooked Annie Oakley's Obssessive-Compulsive Disorder.

4. "Thanks for the cleaning, but would please get your frakkin' dildo off my head."

5. It started with making out with the cat. From there, it just got worse.

6. And once they had finished their immaculate preparations, they completed their suicide pact by engaging a group of Lakota Sioux to drive them over a cliff.

7. The next day, PETA burned down her house for engaging in animal testing.

8. ORA --- "I'm your number one fan!"

Best of The Man
Andrew Sullivan grew up knowing his mother loved the bison more.

Best of Mr. Right
Dr. McCoy attempts to obtain a saliva sample from Mr. Chekov after a strange virus causes the crew to begin mutating into a herd of bison in the never released "Star Trek IV 1/2: The Voyage Home on the Range."

Best of T. Harris
Andrew Sullivan found this pic mysteriously amongst his rolls of vaction film. "Damn the luck," lamented Sullivan, "usually these type of pranksters have the tooth brush shoved up their ass."

Best of Lyn
Ted Turner's Montana Grill uses only the most hygenic of buffalo - and that's no bull.

Best of sonicfrog
Cindy Sheehan has become such a diva, she has now hired someone to brush her teeth for her!

Best of Submariner
sonicfrog - I'm not sure or anything, but I don't think the buffalo will take offense. Once. But I wouldn't insult him that bad again if I were you!

In America, even bison have dental plan! What a country...

Best of Alex Stockwell
I don't know why Henry's complaining, he never comes near this end!

Best of Dusty
We gotta freshen our breath because Grandma and her cat are coming to visit!

Best of WALSTIB
Ever notice how pet owners start to look like their pets? I'm just sayin'.


Borrowed from the Clinton News Network, on a tip from Divine Miss M.

Cat Got Your Tongue?

1. "By the power vested in me by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts..."

2. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

3. Ladies' Night at Enumclaw.

4. Their match-up was no accident. Both of them listed '9 Lives' as their favorite food in eHarmony's intake form.

5. Not surprisingly, her previous lover was Garfield... James Garfield.

6. As her Alzheimer's accelerates, Ella kisses the cat and rubs her grand-daughter's nose in the litterbox.

7. "Dammit, Toonces, I wish I knew how to quit you."

8. The geriatric lesbian sighed, "What the hell, pussy is pussy."

9. Grandma and the Ewok was an in-your-face rebuttal to people who thought the Star Wars franchise had hit rock bottom with The Phantom Menace.

10. Does the prescription drug benefit cover rabies shots? Grandma was about to find out.

Best of Rodney Dill
Animal Planet: As her cat aged and lost its teeth Velda found she needed to pre-chew the mice to get Fluffy to eat.

Best of Cybrludite
"It is said that in Enumclaw, which lies beyond the river Skai, no man may kiss a cat; and this I can verily believe as I gaze upon him who sitteth purring before the fire. For the cat is cryptic, and close to strange things which men really don't want to see." H.P. Lovecraft, "The Cats of Enumclaw"

Best of Submariner
"Madonna and Britney Spears!" Susie realized that Granny was particularly adept at charades.

Grandma didn't make dinner cause she was stoned? I don't understand...

While the rest of her siblings were taken aback, Rosie said simply, "That's ok Grandma, I lick 'em too."

Flo would rue the day she asked "that kind Mr. Miyagi" next door to watch Fluffy for a few days while she visited her sister in Ohio.

Best of nevergrewup
After watching "The Green Mile" Grandma was sure she could suck the distemper out of little Fluffy.

Best of Six Degrees of Blondness
"That's 8 of your 9 lives for sucking the breath out of my beautiful grand-baby!! Don't push me, you hell-creature!!"

Best of The Man
Grandma sees this as revenge for Grandpa's experiment with a bottle of baby oil and Chippy the hampster

Best of WALSTIB
Um, Grandma, when they say cats like to be licked clean, they usually do it themselves.

My name is Hillary, and I have an eating disorder.

"I'll never got used to getting tickled by her whiskers". -- Thought balloon; works for either one

I used to enjoy your blog until I realized that you've crossed the fine line between hilarity and unfairly making fun of geriatric lesbians with bestiality fetishes. I'm removing you from my blogroll.


Caption This Fun Fact! According to Wikipedia, Enumclaw's name derives from a local Native American word meaning "strong wind" or "thundering noise."

In other words, Enumclaw means 'fart' in American Indian.

Mr Cranky also has a Cap Contest on this, but I think we're better.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

My Name Is Hillary, And I Have an Eating Disorder

1. The junior senator from New York is a.) Really enjoying her blintz b.) acting out the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally, c.) riding Janet Reno's face under the table, or d.) all of the above.

2. They stole it from us, our precious. Curse them! WE hates them! it's ours it is, and we wants it! We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little Republicanses.

3. As a young girl, Hillary learned to sublimate her lesbian tendencies by eating. That's why her hips are broader than an Arkansas double-wide.

4. So, Hillary's typical lunch consists of a live guinea pig washed down with the blood of virgins. I wish I could say this suprised me.

5. "Sorry, Hill, you lose. In the time it took you to down that chili dog, Mikulski polished off 26 grilled cheese sandwiches, two dozen corn dogs, a box of Suzy-Q's, and a five-gallon bucket of chili fries."

6. Hang this pic next to your refrigerator as a diet aid. You can thank me later.

7. "On second thought, I'll have what Carmen Electra is having."

8. "Barney, this hot dog is excellent! How did you ever get so good at putting meat between two buns?"

Best of Van Helsing
One of Hillary's aides better tell her that the locals don't normally eat the paper.

Best of Submariner
Bill observed, "Y'know, Hill, if there'd a been more of that in the Lincoln Bedroom, there'd a been fewer cigars in the Oval Office..."

Ozzy Ozbourne taught me to do this on bats...

Tonight on Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom: The North American Hildabeast; a political chameleon changling. In this clip we see one about to dislocate it's jaw to consume prey larger than it's mouth in a manner reminiscent of any of the large, predatory snakes.

Damn, Hillary; most people would only take one slice of Boston Cream Pie and leave the rest for others to share.

Best of jeff
People lined up for the special attraction at the fair - Hillary's butt grows visibly larger as you watch!

Best of Silhouette
The Midway sideshows gets seedier every year.

Senator Clinton suddenly noticed Cheney was no longer aiming at the mechanical ducks.

Best of The Man
Why no, I do not know what is in a Fetus Sandwich. (But I'm sure the meat is choice - V)

Best of T. Harris

The creaking sound and awful stench unleashed from The Beast's gaping maw resulted in immediate projectile vomiting from the other contestants, ensuring her victory.

Best of the paperboy
Remember Hillary, never look up when you're on camera. It makes you look like you're... oh, never mind.

I can't decide if she's watching or re-enacting Deep Throat or the pie contest from Stand By Me.

Best of nevergrewup
After accidently biting off her right index finger Mrs. Clinton comes dangerously close to consuming her left index finger.



From y'ar on a tip from Tasha.

Need to Get Something Off Your Chest?

1. Suddenly, I'm craving a watermelon-flavored lollipop.

2. I hope the chick in black isn't frigid, or else the other chick's tongue is going to get stuck there.

3. <ORA> --- Following Professor E.C. Buehler's advice, the girls used plenty of lip and tongue action. And the result was pleasing.

4. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a smelly pirate hooker? Let's find out.

5. "Oh, Carmen. I hope I never figure out how to quit you."

6. "You've got a little spot right there. Let me see if I can get it."

7. "I forget, which Clinton are we working for? Oh, who cares, just lick me some more."

8. "Oh, yes! Let me break out my Howard Dean Action Figure with Nipple-Pinching Action!"

9. "We decided to pass on the erotic cat-fight in favor of an erotic cat-bath."

10. "Thanks for trying, Carmen, but to really fulfill my fantasies would take a midget accordion player, a bare-assed soccer player, an elephant with a motorcycle, an effeminate communist skate-queen, a Mexican landscaper, and a couple of anorexic child-stars."

Giggiddy: 1: A word used when something hot or sexy has been done or said, originated by the Family Guy character Quagmire. 2: also when anything happens that is so good you just about get an erection(or would if you had a penis....)

Best of Cybrludite
Don't let 'em get too close to a space heater, or those bolt-ons will melt!

"They're real, and they're spect... oh, who am I trying to BS? They're as plastic as Barbie's!"

Best of sonicfrog
Stamps!... Must... Have... Stamps!

Best of Submariner
DRUDGE BREAKING: Boobs Not Bombs announced a new membership drive today. The campaign has been titled "We may not be able to lick the enemy, but we can lick each other!" Male membership is reported to have increased 3792% between 9 and 11 am est. DEVELOPING...

Best of The Man
Kim Bauer has contributed very little to the CTU team, but her lesbo antics seem to be a big hit at the office parties.

Greetings from The Silicon Valley

Best of the paperboy
Oh Carmen, your nipple's about to pop out! Here, let me help...

Best of Submariner
Just another day in the booth with Howard Stern.

Double your pleasure,double your fun, with two smelly pirate hookers, for the price of one.


There's a whole bunch more of these. Don't thank me, thank fizzix.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

No Caption, Just This

From Moonbattery

Babar and the Bicycle

1. The death of Gary Busey.

2. Wow, Rosie O'Donnell is really kicking the crap out of that Hell's Angel.

3. For political symmetry, I now have to find a picture of a donkey with a gaywad segway.

4. "On second thought, maybe the Fonz should jump over a shark instead."

5. That should teach Jay Leno not to park his motorbike in a crip space.

6. "Crazy Ganesh's Used Motorcycles! If you can beat our prices, I'll drown myself in the Ganges!"

7. "What elephant?"

8. The First Annual Elephant Steeplechase resulted in massive damage to the city, but the Grand Prize winner was happy with her motorbike.

Best of David Simon
Teddy Kennedy's bike is recovered after a spill in Mombasa's co-ed motocross.

"Dumbo hid it well this time, Babar. We really had to tear this place apart."

"Get your bike washed at Abu's. Two dollar. Three if you want it dry."

Best of The paperboy
"For the tougher clogs we use the elephant instead of the snake, but here's what was clogging your drain."

Best of Submariner
Although sporting a less-sturdy towing package than it's African counterpart, the Asian model does get far superior peanut-milage.

Republicans always get incensed when they see people buying Japanese...

In one hilarious out-take, Shelley Winters just drove a motorcycle instead of swimming underwater with the rope...

Best of Mr. Right
Lindsey Jacobelephant had the race all sown up, until she hot-dogged the next-to-last jump and lost control of the bike.

"I don't believe this! Tony Stewart just ran me right off the track!"

Best of Sonicfrog
No, wait. False alarm. That IS Gary Busey! He's starring in the new Tim Burton adaptation of Dr. Seuss's "Horton Hears a Whowwaa!".

Best of T. Harris
You think that motorcycle looks in bad shape now, wait 'til it comes out the other end.

Best of Silhouette
The Asian verison of those big RVs with a subcompact car hitched to the back.

Anonymous said
Not to be a killjoy or anything, but that photo makes me sad. Elephants are highly intellignet loving creatures. (Good eatin', too. Especially the ears... with sugar and melted butter and a little cinnamon. Yummers. - V)


Hat Tip: Catherine Bach

Spotsy Chick

1. Giant Airborne Leeches invade fashion show. Film at 11.

2. Al Qaeda's use of dalmatians for suicide bombers led to a mild rebuke from PETA.

3. Side effects of excessive masturbation include hairy palms and spotted vision.

4. Andrew Sullivan's cataracts prevent him from receiving the full effect of 'The Boyfriend's' sexy lingerie.

5. After years of laboring in obscurity, Cruella De Vil is finally embraced by the fashion crowd.

6. Fort Worth's play to become a new center of high fashion was ruined when the backwash from Tommy Hilfiger's helicopter flung cow-chips all over the place.

7. In Tennessee gay bars, it's traditional to spit tobacco at bad drag queens.

8. Gesundheit.

9. Through the rain of black confetti, Kobe entirely failed to notice that Dennis Rodman was open.

10. Publicity Still From Zoolander 2: Walk on the Wild Side.

Best of Submariner
See what happens when you fight the Estee Lauder counter gals when they want to give you a free makeover?

Other than radical Muslim males, the rage in Paris this year is to combine gold lamé, black velvet and a personal wasp swarm.

Jeannette waltzed in amidst a swarm of flies, yet resplendent in her pilfered gold, mahogany leg, and two eye-patches. Henri realized she was indeed, the smelliest pirate hooker of them all!

Best of Cybrludite
Daryl Hannah hits the sci-fi convention circuit to cash in on a re-release of "Bladerunner".

It's just a jump to the left....

Best of T. Harris
Cindy was a true professional. Not even an infestation of locusts could derail her steely determination to model ridiculous clothes, wear stupid-ass hair-dos, and have fake sunglasses painted on her face.

Inspired by The Paperboy
Terrence McNally's newest play is based on Chris Ofili's portrait of an Elephant-dung-splattered Virgin Mary. McNally insists he didn't intend to offend Christians.

Hat Tip: Sorrell Booke

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

The Pinkest Pinko

1. Actually, the sweatshirt has nothing to with the Soviet Union. It stands for 'Candy-Colored Communist Pansy.'

2. "Actually, the Human Torch stole the 'Flame On' battle cry from me."

3. Before each match, Johhny Weir channels the spirit of Night Court's Tselma Diamond.

4. In a parallel universe, Tonya Harding is denounced for counter-revolutionary activities, and sent to the Gulag Archipelago.

5. "In Old Soviet Union, Flaming Homosexual Figure Skater watches you." - Yakov Smirnoff

6. The alien was surprised. "Usually, Earth specimens are alarmed to see the size of the anal probe."

7. To no one's surprise, Johnny Weir orders a Zima.

8. "That intro should be 'America's most famous defector not defect." "No, it's right the way it is."

9. "Oh, no. Xena is coming to kick my ass for defaming the title 'Princess.'"

10. "Give it up, Johnny. The Russian hockey team just isn't interested."

Best of David Simon
"I'm going to need more kleenex than that Maria. Brian Joubert is soaping himself in the shower as we speak."

"I hate to break it to you Maria, but when that guy whispered 'I'd like to smack that pussy' to you, he wasn't asking you to have sex with him."

"No more excuses, tamale. Finish altering my dress or else. Andale!"

Best of Submariner
Doesn't it stand for "Cock Chasing Chia Pet?"

I was thinking about becoming an Episcopal Bishop after the Olympics, but I don't think I drink enough...

Ang Lee announced he is remaking "Blade Runner" this summer and has already cast newcomer Johnny Weir in the role of "Pris."

Best of Mr. Right
Johnny's coach addresses the media: "Oh, the jacket? I'm sorry about that, but it was the only thing I could get him to put on over the I "heart" Osama t-shirt!"

Florida Cracker clued me into a great Johnny Weir pic, but in trying to run down a large version, I came across this beaut, courtesy of AssPress and MSNBC.

A Month of Thursdays

1. Stargate's New Villain --- System Lord Sweet Big Daddy BadAss Jones --- was nevertheless an improvement on the Ori.

2. Mayor Nagin is now proposing kind of a "Hershey Kiss in Gold Foil Wrap City."

3. Somewhere, a naked drum major wakes up in an alley wondering where his coat went.

4. "'Cos a pimp is a person in your neighborhood In your neighborhood ..."

5. And yet, post-Grammy Award polling revealed that 86% of the audience preferred the midget accordionist.

6. Andrew Lloyd Webber presents Goldfinger: The Musical.

7. Can you guess which three are men? You'd be surprised.

8. Meanwhile, in Cincinnati, Herb Tarlek woke up in an alley and wondered who stole his shoes.

9. Do you realize that if Dick Cheney were a rap star who shot another rap star in the face with a Glock, it would actually have helped his career?

10. Kanye was heavily into S&M... Standing and Modeling.

Best of The Man
George Bush doesn't care about spraypainted gold people.

Best of Divine Miss M
Choose your next witticism carefully Mr. West; it may be your last.

Best of Submariner
Kanye West does Michael Jackson doing Stevie Wonder in a Busby Berkely extravaganza!?!
They hit Bunny? Git 'em, girls!

Best of T. Harris
You on the far left. Yeah you, the one without the tits. Trade places with the gal behind you so we can see her lovely rack a little easier.

Best of andthenblammo!
Senator Robert Byrd's Oscar Night wet dream suddenly took a strange and disconcerting turn, and he woke up screaming: 'Pimpfinger! Pimpfinger!' It took a handful of Xanax and some nice fresh white sheets to calm him down.

Best of Cybrludite
At least this way, the strippers' cheesy tattoos were hidden, as well as the scars from their c-sections and cut-rate brest implants.

Best of Mr. Right
Betty White, Rue McClanahan, Estelle Getty and Bea Arthur... eat your hearts out!

Somewhere in Oakland, MC Hammer wakes up in a dark alley and wonders where his sunglasses went.

DANCER #6: "Pssst... Kanye! Love the jacket, but shouldn't the (MC) hammer and sickle go in the front?"

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
Kamal decided to get a gold ho' for each one of his gold teeth.

Meanwhile, a matador who walked through the streets of Compton is waking up and wondering where his jacket went.

The Bookend to Condi and the Angry Inch

1. "And then Hillary turned around and zipped up, but not before I got a pretty good look at it."

2. Howard Dean's weekly DNC sex-ed lectures were known for his clever use of visual aids.

3. The AARP prepared for Howard's speech by arranging a festive display of inflated colostomy bags.

4. The midget accordion player never showed, so Howard Dean was reduced to using Jay Leno's recycled Vi@gr@ jokes.

5. I count four gasbags on the stage there.

6. "Pat Robertson has far too much influence in Republican politics. There's simply no excuse when a nutjob who represents the most extreme wing of his party and who lost every presidential primary has that much influence over a political party."

7. With Democrat coffers nearing zero, Howard Dean resorts to selling AmWay to finance the 2006 elections.

8. "I'm crushing your heads, Mini-Me and Wee-Man."

9. "And that is why true revolution can only be achieved when the decadent bourgeoisie is overthrown and workers control the means of production."

10. "Sir, one more outburst from you and I will strangle you with my microphone wire!"

Best of Rodney Dill
Isn't placing empty thought balloons next to Howard Dean redundant?

Best of Divine Miss M
♫ Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong? ♫

Best of The Man
The DNC realized that having Howard Dean suck in some helium during his speeches really took the edge off.

Best of David Simon
"I only let this much squeak out of my ass, and I still cleared the room. Taco Bell's bean burritos are something else."

"After I pick it, I like to roll it between my thumb and forefinger."

Best of Van Helsing
Dr. Demento was considerate enough to show how much was left of his fuse, so that women and children could be gotten to safety.

Best of jbinnout
...and just for clarification, Mr. Sullivan, I'm talking girth.

Best of Submariner
I don't know Barney, Mike only had it in me that far. Does that count as "penetration?"
I have to go "pinch a loaf" folks, but I'll be back in about 20 minutes so just keep donating. Anybody got a copy of the Times?

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"I was THIS close to one-upping Mondale's one-state showing in the '84 election!"

Dean thinks to himself: "I bet I can grab one of those hors d'oeuvres while that hotel staff guy walks by!"

Best of Mr. Right
"Thank you for noticing my relatively calm demeanor this evening... in answer to your question, this is the approximate size of the tranquilizer I used before taking the stage, and yes, it was a suppository!"

I had other pictures but moved this one, which I found through Sondrak the K, to the head of the queue.

Monday, February 20, 2006

It Doesn't Get Much More Surreal Than This

1. Budweiser Light Presents "Real Men of Genius," Saluting you, Mr. Sailor-Suited-Accordion-Player

2. If you were in Amsterdam, and you were totally baked, and you walked by this scene, would that automatically trigger a psychotic episode.

3. Mrs. Frank pooh-poohed the idea that this episode would have any effect on young Barney's social development.

4. After emerging from the Hellmouth and finding only an accordion-playing midget and an underage prostitute, the black demon shook his head and sadly returned to the nether realm.

5. He knew Ming Lee was a long shot for conversion, but Joseph Young was nothing if not the most dedicated Mormon Missionary of all time.

6. Ang Lee makes a sailor movie.

7. Korn's most disturbing album cover ever!

8. "Men Who Lose Every Shred of Self-Respect After Being Dumped," Next on Oprah.

9. "How much is that harlot in window..."

10. "Is Weird Al gonna have to choke a bitch?"

Best of The Man
Mr. and Mrs. Sullivan like to show Andrew how they met in the streets of Paris after WWII.

Johnny Weir finds that failed male figure skaters have few prospects outside of the rink.

Best of David Simon
"I never know what my movies are about either," said David Lynch after filming this scene from his latest flick.

Best of T. Harris
Gunther gamely attempts to snag a freebie by serenading the local working girls with a rousing rendition of "Blow the Man Down."

Best of Rodney Dill
"... but in heaven they hand out harps."

Best of Divine Miss M
The hooker with the revolving door really started raking in the big bucks after she started paying the accordionist to stand closer to her competitor's door.

Best of catbat
Whores can't resist the siren lure of the polka.

Best of Submariner
Yesterday it was bagpipes, today a f'n accordian? Leave me alone!

But enough Kanye West; anyone have a favorite hymn? anyone? anyone?

I said "It would be romantic if you provided me a candle-lit dinner at dusk on the rooftop while a violinist played classical etudes."
Somehow, I don't a cold egg McMuffin at dawn on the sidewalk accompanied by an accordianist with a 'tude is gonna get you any, Skippy.

Best of The paperboy
In this next slide, the subject expresses his repressed masterbatorial sexual fantasies by "playing the hand organ," while disregarding an available female who beckons from a nearby window.

Ferdinand was obsessed with wearing his sailor outfit and playing with his squeezebox in spite of Rachel's exhibitionist attempts to win his affections.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
Let's see: a gay sailor with an accordion, a bikini-clad Asian hooker, and a demon returning to the bowels of Hell? Looks like Mardi Gras in the French Quarter is back to normal!

You guys are totally slipping. I hand you a 'smelly pirate hooker' opportunity on a silver platter and no one takes it? I'm a sad panda - V

(AssPress Photo/Evert Elzinga)

Take It Like A Man

1. Well, now I know one thing I *wouldn't* do for a Klondike bar.

2. I'll take "Glimpses into Andrew Sullivan's subconscious for $400, Alex."

3. To get the total Enumclaw experience, you have to lodge a trout in your rectum and wait for a bald eagle to pass by.

4. Putting Howard Stern in charge of the Olympic torch lighting ceremony proved to be one of the worst mistakes ever.

5. The conservative right assumes its usual position as Bush outlines his plans for domestic spending and immigration policy.

6. Fair Warning: In Alabama and Utah, posting a caption to this photo will get you put on the Registered Sex Offender List.

7. On Kurt Cobain's birthday, let us remember the high school soccer incident that inspired "Smells Like Teen Spirit."

8. I didn't know soccer had wide receivers.

9. People Unclear on the Concept of 'Duck, Duck, Goose.'

10. "Sorry, left foot Blue. My bad."

11. ORA --- If Jim Carrey starts climbing out of his ass, I am *so* outta here.

12. After the Swedish Soccer League initiated a new spanking policy, fouls rose 300%.

13. The closing ceremonies at Turin feature a tribute to Johnny Weir.

14. ... And don't it make my brown eye, don't it make my brown eye, don't it make my brown eye blue...

Best of Rodney Dill
"Kobe, I'm open!"

Confucius say, player who turn upside down, have crack-up

Best of Divine Miss M
Adds a whole new dimension to "drop and give me 50."

"Thank you Sir, may I have another?"

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"Dammit, Pelé! I wish I knew how to quit you!"

Best of David Simon
The Dutch soccer team was quickly admonished that celebratory rimming would not be tolerated at the Olympics.

"I told you, the mouth and the armpit don't give accurate readings. Now stop being such a baby."

Best of Dan
The soccer team's explanation of the "Here is the Church, here is the steeple" metaphor goes horribly wrong.

Best of Van Helsing
A new Olympic record was set when he managed to hold the soccer ball aloft on a blast of continuous flatulence for 43 seconds.

Best of Submariner
The Ref drew the red card. Not for public indecency, but because Chauncy's mid back tattoo read "Insert Elton John Here ▼"

Chauncy, I don't think that's what they mean when they say "Bend it like Beckham."

Caution - open manhole ahead

Best of Six Degrees of Blondness
"Now let's you just drop them pants. Just take 'em right off!"

Hat Tip: Denver Pyle Original source unknown, but standard disclaimer and fair use whatchamajigger apply.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

We'd Weed

1. "Damn Triffids!"

2. Louis used to be one of France's leading gynecologists. His new position was not all that different.

3. In the alternate ending, Seymour and Audrey lived happily ever after, although a suspicious number of "undocumented" Mexican gardeners went missing every year.

4. From the makers of Bambi v. Godzilla, Treebeard vs. Jose Lopez.

5. Jose Lopez, world's most dedicated landscaper, shows up as usual despite the presence of a 20 foot pole lodged in his head.

Americana. Fair Use. Disclaimer.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Americana: Dorks in Recovery Edition

1. Johnny Weir gets an intervention.

2. Three's Company... Mormon style

3. There are actually three dykes in this picture. Dina was so uber-butch she willed herself to grow sideburns.

4. Caption This presents: Match the disorder to the support group coordinator: A.) Eating B.)Obsessive Compulsive C.)Bi-Polar

5. "When shall we three meet again?/ In thunder, lightning, or in front of the Armory Community Center, round noonish?"

6. The two women totally didn't see the double wedgie coming.

7. The only three members of the Dubuque, Iowa chapter of 'Breast not Bombs' hold their weekly meeting.

8. "I... I... just never imagined you two would meet each other. Damn, this is so awkward."

9. "All right. Let's break out the Uzis and waste us some hippies!"

10. "See. It is the best-built shithouse in the entire midwest. Aren't you glad we stopped now?"

Fairly used from my usual Americana source. Disclaimer always applies.

Better Late Than Never

1. The Olympic tribute to Johnny Weir flames on.

2. Steve Fawcett's next stunt: Roller-blading around the world propelled only by his ignited flatulence.

3. My favorite part was when Adam Sandler and the little kid threw the stick in front of them.

4. In the new adaptation, Romeo is rollerblader and Julius is a skateboarder; both are flaming.

5. By 2011, Muslims had rioting down to an art-form, complete with flame-spewing headgear.

Best of David Simon
Johnny Weir wanted to switch sports when he heard there were flaming guys wearing kneepads, but his enthusiasm quickly faded.

After learning his lesson the hard way, Michael Jackson dons a flame-retardant body suit for his latest Pepsi commercial.

Best of Submariner
Keep your eyes open and your flamethrowers hot boys; we're definitely in the lair of the C.H.U.D.

OK, this looks like the clot. Remember, the blood will rush like a mother once we've burned our way through, so anchor down when we get close!

Red 3; this is Red Leader. Boy, you need to get up here fast. I don't think you wearing one of these torch-head giszmo's and my eating Chi Chi's for lunch is gonna be pleasant for you if you don't...

Best of Lyn
With viewership at an all-time low, NBC finds that they are once again broadcasting 'The Olympics From Hell.'

Planet Xenon's Team Destroyer will enter the ice hockey competition . . . or else!

Oooh, brain fart.

Best of Catbat
The flaming blading jetpackheads were admonished repeatedly for viciously taunting the less fortunate performers assigned to wiggly alpine pine tree duty.

Best of sonicfrog
Never, ever feed the Oompa-Loompas after midnight!

Best of The Chainik Hocker
The Homosexual Firefighters Association of Greater Ontorio Team (HomoFAGOT) wowed the crowed at an extreme rollerblading demo in San Fransico.

Best of Silhouette
Run, Will and Holly! Run Chaka!

Best of Rodney Dill
Twizzle fizzle fo'shizzle

Friday, February 17, 2006

Mirror, Mirror

1. "Oh, Randy, don't you just love Gay Pride Week?"

2. "It's just your reflection. Stop pecking at it."

3. "Wow, you mean before the operation, you were an Olympic figure skater?"

4. Mary-Kate Olson couldn't hold a candle to Carolyn Jones or Angelica Huston, Morticia Addams-wise. But Ashley made a passable Gomez.

5. "Isn't it great that we get to play the wives of the Sultan of Brunei in this movie? I wonder where the cameras are."

6. "And if you say 'Bloody Mary' three times fast, the image of a pale, skeletal, whore will appear in the mirror."

7. Really Embarrassing ORA -- Chekhov was furious with what the Squire of Gothos had done to them. Sulu couldn't stop staring at himself.

8. "Look at me-- I look like I was passed around at a Satanic Orgy all night. (sigh) The mirror never lies."

9. A moment later, Mary-Kate stepped into the tiny tar pit and was lost forever.

10. "I am the thinnest I have ever been. I am actually below my birth weight. Thank you, crack!"

11. Janet Reno likes her bitches femme, dammit!

Best of Divine miss M
"Stevie Nicks' hand-me-downs are so much fun, 'cause after we get the dresses taken in, there's always enough fabric left over to make a handbag AND a giant drag-ass train."

I always heard that men like women who are shaped like WOMEN, not teenaged boys, unless, of course, they prefer teenaged boys, in which case, they usually want THEM to look like women.

Best of Submariner
Ennui, why won't you release me?

Best of David Simon
"You talkin' to me? I said, you talkin' to me?"

Johnny Weir: "Basic black before evening, sweetie? Who's your personal stylist, Stevie Wonder?"

Best ORA of sonicfrog
"Scarlet, that gown is gorgeous" "Thank you. I saw it in the window and just couldn't resist it".

Best of Anonymous
EAT SOMETHING!

Best of Cybrludite
"If they had any tits, I'd chili-dog them both." - Giggiddy Giggiddy

Best of Dan
"Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the most grotesquely emaciated Olsen Twin of them all?"



More Olsen Twins. Don't rag on me for not knowing which is which. That's nothing for a man to be ashamed of.

Double Your Pleasure

1. Andrew Sullivan and Barney Frank may be old worn out trolls now, but, man they looked fabulous at their senior prom.

2. "Hello Danny. Come and play with us. Come and play with us, Danny. Forever... and ever... and ever."

3. Goofus purges in the hallway. Gallant lifts the train of her gown to avoid soiling it with sick.

4. "Wooo-EEEE. You heifers shure purtied yerselfs up fer the NASCAR time trials."

5. They've got Bette Davis Eyes... if Bette Davis had been a creeped out goth chick, I mean.

6. "Where did we get these lovely gowns? Johnny Weir had a yard sale."

7. Fifty bucks says the contents of that handbag are a bottle of diet pills, a bottle of prescription horse tranq, and a platinum Visa card with white powder on one edge.

8. The Betty Ford Center's Winter Formal was always a festive occasion.

9. Interesting. Most people offered the choice of appearing in 'Caption This' or making doggie p0rn choose the doggie p0rn.

10. "Mr Polanski says you're too old, Mr Jackson says you're too old and the wrong sex, but Ms O'Donnell and Ms DeGeneres are willing to make you an offer."

Best of Rodney Dill
David Spade: "Too Easy... next."

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
Upon hearing that the Olsen twins were legal, Scott Ritter turned off the TV and cried himself to sleep.

Best of Cybrludite
Of course, Scott Ritter claims to have banged them both before they were famous...

By "the exact date they became legal", do you mean nation-wide or state-by-state?

Best of T. Harris
Keeping a straight face while utilizing the new Christian Dior line of the Easy-Lift Fart Diffuser Gown is absolutely essential.

Best of David Simon
It'll cost $500 for us to keep lifting, Mr. Clinton. $1,000 for the full cigar.

Best of Submariner
Woody Allen and Jerry Seinfeld couldn't hide their dissapointment as their "over the hill" Oscar dates entered...

Barnabus will be along presently; shortly after nightfall I would suspect.

Admit it, you sick twisted freak, you knew the exact date the Olsen Twins became "legal." Didn't you? Didn't you? Hat Tip: fizzix/Jules

Fly Monkeys, Fly

Her Esteemed Diva-ness caught a good one that I missed.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Real Men Don't Describe Themselves As 'Princessy'

1. Gee, nobody ever had trouble figuring out how to quit me.

2. ORA -- Before using the Stargate to conquer the Ancient Egyptians, Ra was a world-champion figure skater.

3. Worst. Village People. Audition. Ever.

5. For good luck, Johnny plunges his right hand into a villager and pulls out his still beating heart before every match.

6. "Your crowbar is no match for my gender-bending powers, Tonya Harding."

7. "Hm, something tells me I wasn't the first guy to fist Andrew Sullivan this morning."

8. "And instead of a hot blond chick, Jeannie will become a gender-bending Jeannie/Genie..." the latest 60's sitcom remake was doomed from the get-go.

9. "You have a problem with portraying Jesus as a princessy, androgynous paedophile in Terrence McNally's Corpus Christi on Ice? Are you some kind of right wing religious wingnut or something?"

10. Oh, damn, I already used "sissy" as a thread title.

Best of Divine miss M
Well what d'ya know, the kid we used to beat up for his lunch money is now in the Olympics.

Best of Silhouette
Actually, it's difficult to beat the real caption. "American Johnny Weir says people 'should stay scared' about what comes out of his mouth."

Oddly enough, the French judge loved him, but his outfit gave Mr. Blackwell the dry heaves.

Best of The Man
I hate the Winter Olympics because it is full of strange honkeys" - Bryant Gumbel

Best of David Simon
"I'm such a faggot, even I want to kick my ass."

"For this next move, imagine your parting Brian Joubert's cheeks and gazing dreamily."

"Hey Michael, why is there kid poop on this glove you loaned me?"

"American Johnny Weir says people 'should stay scared' about what comes out of his mouth." And what goes into it.

"See? Neet really does keep you smoother longer with no razor stubble."

"This feels funny. My hands are in the air and my feet are on the ground."

Best of Rodney Dill
Dick Cheney: "Just look at my lesbian daughter, Wouldn't that make you want to shoot someone."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I think we all know what Brian Boitano would do.

Explain your way out of this photo, Robert Downey Jr!

Those Abu Ghraib photos just keep on comin'.

Best of Submariner
Last known photo of Johnny Weir as his signature high-speed "Corkscrew Twirl" augered him in to Lake Michigan during his outdoor, Great Lakes exhibition in Chicago.

Best of Dusty
The new French Olympic uniforms were such a hit in San Fransico!

Best of sonicfrog
What, did Bjork have a yard sale???

I put on a thick pair of asbestos gloves and lifted this from MSNBC on a tip from David Simon.

SISI

1. "So, do you wanna make out?" "No!" "Oh, you are such a liar." "Oh, I so am!"

2. I could probably just copy/paste the Communist Manifesto for a caption here and no one would give a damn.

3. Brokeback Beach was one of the rare sequels that, like Superman II and Aliens, was vastly superior to the original movie.

4. "Would you help me flick some sand out of my bikini bottom... oh, yes! Yes! YES! Oh, yes! Flick that sand! Flick it hard!"

5. ORA --- "Um, Kate, is it true that you can make a big, black stallion appear just by thinking about it, or was Sawyer just yanking our chains?"

6. The remake of Thelma & Louise was one of the rare remakes that was vastly superior to the original.

7. ORA --- "Gee, Hurley. My friend and I were just saying that we would do just about anything for a big tub of ranch dressing... and we do mean, anything."

8. Systems Integration Corp reveal their new corporate logo. Sales increase 93,000% the first year.

9. ORA --- "Nope," said Sayid. "There is no chance of fixing the transmitter... EVER! ... we're just going to be stuck on this island forever, or at least until your boobs start to sag."

10. You know, I could probably just throw a bunch of unfunny Lost references here and no one would give a damn.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Oh, the Bush twins are so ready for us."

Best of The Man
Andrew Sullivan always had a dream of being stranded on a desert island...and having long flowing blonde hair.

Best of David Simon
I agree Carmen, the show is sooo much better sans David Hasselhoff.

"I'm sorry, it's just that the thought of Mrs. Clinton with my picture in one hand, and Mr. Thick One is the other is really creeping me out."

Best of Rufus Leaking
The twins, joined at the head, would not survive if separated, could never agree on a hair color

Best of Son Of The Godfather
OK, OK... it's time to upgrade my Ginger/Mary-Anne fantasy.

Show of hands... How many of you pervs moved the mouse pointer over the pic so you could see the little hand icon touch their naughty bits?... Oh right, so you're all gonna just leave me hangin' in mid-air now... great.

"'Scuse me ladies... Where might a lonesome traveler rest his weary head?"

Yo Have the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Isssue to thank for this. Go! Buy many copies. Distribute them in schoolyards and playgrounds. For the children. (Caption This is not responsible for anyone arrested handing out SISI's in schoolyards or playgrounds.) P.S.Has Anyone Seen Prough?

Tattooed Love Boy

1. Ang Lee was furious. The stunt double for the hot-beef-injection scene looked nothing like Heath Ledger.

2. "O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-h sweet mystery of life at last I've found you."

3. "Stangers in my ass...Exchanging fluids.....doo be doo be doo..."

4. ORA --- My brother damned well better be grateful for the lengths I go to to get him out of Fox River.

5. "Jeez, Andrew, your hands are so cold."

6. "Mr Mapplethorpe? I'm ready for my close up."

7. Henry Rollins gets a prostate exam.

8. "No, it's the left cheek that itches, you stupid peasant twit."

9. "Man, I liked it so much better when the Goa'uld symbiotes entered through your neck."

10. Warren was horrified to discover his massage therapist was Cindy Sheehan.

Best of David Simon
"Oh my G-d, the pain is unbearable. This is the last time I'm catching without lube."

Best of Passionate Conservative
Is that a tatoo of Mohammed? Now we must riot!

Best of jeff
"Man, flex-sigmoidoscopies suck... I hate getting old. All my tats are turning green too."

Best of Van Helsing
After his human cannonball act failed, he teamed up with Rocky the Flying Squirrel and became a human cannon. The hard part is when they use a ramrod to load Rocky.

Best of Submariner
Rumor has it that his privates say "SWAN" but when fully aroused, it reads "SASKATCHEWAN"
Just another Tequila sunrise after a night at the Blue Oyster...

Andy just loved the Barney Frank Klub:
B - A - R Aaaarrggh, that hurts!
N - E - Y Why? Cuz we don't use lube!
F - R - A - N - K
Barney Frank Want some, Hank?
Barney Frank A real meat plank!
Forever you can hold my package tight! Tight, Tight!

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"Yeah, man! I've had my sh#t puuuuuuuuuuuuuuushed in! Big time!"

Best of WALSTIB
Uh Warren, any deeper and I swear it's coming out my nose!


Hat Tip: Tom Wopat.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Ways To Prove Your "Civilization" Sucks

1. Wrought with grief over the death of longtime companion Hamburglar, Ronald McDonald performs the traditional rite of Sati.

2. When the Muslims realized that their complete lack of a sense of humor and highly emotional over-reaction to some cartoons had many people mistaking them for militant feminists, their heads exploded.

3. Hey, I'll write an offensive Muslim cartoon if it means they'll burn that creepy Burger King guy.

4. "Hah ha! This will certainly teach the Danes a lesson they'll not soon... um... how exactly does this work again?"

5. ORA --- Colin Mochrie is the only guy who was ever really good at the Green Screen Game.

6. From the looks of that guy's rug, I'm guessing the Hair Club for Men is safe from Muslim wrath.

7. "Anti-Cartoon riots? Nah, we're just re-enacting Woodstock '99."

8. Sensing a market bonanza, McDonald's immediately replaced the Happy Meal with the Irrationally Outraged Meal in Muslim countries.

9. "The Pistons win the championship! The Pistons win the championship!"

10. "Aw, crap, Hillary, there go our Valentine's Day dinner plans."

Best of Dan Spomer
"YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT, INFIDEL?"

Best of David Simon
Andrew Sullivan could scarcely contain himself when he heard that Ronald McDonald was flaming, but his elation quickly turned to dejection.

Best of Rufus Leaking
Burning Man festival is replaced by the Burning Clown festival.

Best of T. Harris
Ronald McDonald would soon exact his revenge. Just minutes after this photo was taken, the fatally poisonous chemical fumes arising from Ronald's burning carcass would wiped out this entire horde of unsuspecting morons.

Best of Van Helsing
Wendy's new ad campaign is a little over the top.

Best of Submariner
The clown! The clown!
The clown is on fire!
We don't eat no Big Macs;
Let the mullah-baiter burn!

Goooooooooooood morning, Palestiiiiine! Today's broadcast is brought to you by Dr. Ahmadinajemidebadinanbad's sandal-ware products. Do you suffer from fallen arches like this fellow?

Best of The Man
True to traditional Islam law, The Hamburgler's hands were chopped off and the Fryguys were stoned for being gay.

Ba-dot-dot-da-dah! I'm torchin' it.

Best of Right Wing Animator
That's it Man, game over man, game over.. what the fuck are we going to do now!?

Best of Silhouette
Lt. McDonald saved an entire village during WWII by throwing himself on a grenade. McDonald survived, but was horribly scarred, requiring complete face makeup for the rest of his life.


Originally sourced from ROTO-REUTERS. Maybe. Whatever. I don't know. Hat tip to Dan for pointing it out to me. By the way, Dan, you might want to check out my comment in the top post at Moonbattery as it might be useful to your blog.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Another Valentine's Day Couple

1. "It's not you, John. It's me. I hope we can still be friends."

2. "C'mon, John. We're both liberal Democrats. Inter-racial, inter-generational homo-eroticism is just our way of saying 'Good morning.' So, let's get some orange juice."

3. "You bring the sheep, I'll bring the pudding."

4. "Hillary says she needs more African-American eulogy practice. Would you be willing to take a bullet, Senator Obama?"

5. "Don't believe a word Sullivan says. I kick ass in the sack."

6. "She's a runaway. She has no family who'll even miss her. Every freshman senator has to make a snuff film for his iniitiation. Hell, Hillary has a whole DVD library... with star ratings."

7. "It's an honor to meet you. And I agree, America sucks. Would you sing 'Banana Boat' for us?"

8. "They say that cat McCain's a bad mutha..." "Shut yo, mouth." "But, I'm talking about McCain." "And I can dig it."

9. "Hey, Barack, can I have my nipple clamps back?"

10. "Well, before you get too mad at Senator Byrd for doing that 'The New Senator's a what?' bit every morning, you have to take into account how hopelessly senile he is."

Best of David Simon
Yep, that's the most disgusting foot odor I've ever smelled. Boxer will leave you alone, guaranteed.

Just so we have this straight, I'm only supporting you because I don't feel like watching Heche and Degenerate maul each other at another inauguration.

Best of jeff
"So John, being that I'm a bit young for all that, was it the Hanoi Hilton that screwed you up, or Hanoi Jane?"
"Yes."

Best of andthenblammo!
"Hey, you're not selling NoWay products, are you?"

Best of Cybrludite
You take the white milk and the dark chocholate and you get a pair of pandering assholes...

Best of Submariner
Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?

"That white shirt really sets off your mocha skin, Barak."
"Thanks John; that blue shirt perfectly matches your eyes."
"Ammenities complete. Let's go screw with Kennedy..."

Michael Bolton passes the virus disk to Samir Nagheenanajar...

Best of Robert
I think, my apprentice, that you are ready to take your final step into the power of the Dark Side of the Force

Fairly used. They're public figures, so they're fair game. We don't need no stinkin' copyrights. But, it came from the Chicago Tribune Newsblogs.

Eva Braun Barbie Sold Separately

1. Now, this is a cry for help if I ever saw one.

2. "I said they're not dolls, they're action figures. Screw you guys, I'm going home."

3. Ken and his new friend, Blaine, discuss whether the safety word should be "Oberammergaueralpenkräuterdelikatessenfrühstückskäse" or "Donaudampfschiffahrtsgesellschaftskapitaenskajuetenschluesselloch."

4. As many of us suspected, Pat Buchanan did, in fact, play with dolls as a child.

5. The botox injections have really taken their toll on Kerry and Pelosi.

6. "Damm, Prince Harry, ich wünsche daß ich konnte dich quitten."

7. Gallant raises his glass and toasts the Fatherland. Goofus makes crude jokes about gay cowboy movies.

8. You know you're jaded when your search for internet kink leads you to this.

9. You know what they say, the difference between a straight Nazi and a gay Nazi is four shots of Jagermeister.

10. "Happy Valentine's Day, Klaus. Are you ready for the Battle of My Bulge." "Ach, more like two minutes of blitzkrieg followed by all quiet on the western front."

Best of Jonathan H
"Dear Ken and Blaine,
Last night with both of you was bliss. I fear my orgasm has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever get back to work..
I love both of you madly,- Adolf."

Best of Cybrludite
Five minutes after this was posted, France surrendered. (Again)

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"Hogan's Heroes: Klink Goes Brokeback"

Best of Submariner
Klaus! Is that the Iron Cross in your lederhosen, or are you just happy to see me?

Nothin' nothin' Just kicking back, havin' a Reisling, plannin' a blitzkrieg. You?

"F Troop" An Ed Wood remake.

Best of Divine miss M
Das ist Wilhelm Fitzjurgen and Jurgen Fitzwilhelm!

Best of David Simon
"Hurry up and down that champagne, Klaus. We were supposed to meet Dieter and Hans at the leather bar an hour ago."

Ziegfried, get your bloody jackboot off Helga's new chair. Have you no manners?"

Best of Rodney Dill
The Klaus Barbie Collection

Best of Van Helsing
Nice to know the Prussian Blue kids have toys to play with.


Original source here. Hat tip to Zorkmidden at Discarded Lies.

Monday, February 13, 2006

White Dopes on Punk

1. The Humungous's new trophy wife prepares to meet the press.

2. "Which do you like better, the Mango Love Butter or the Licorice?"

3. ORA -- Anarkey tried to avoid staring at the entire squadron of tiny Shadow Attack Ships that was clinging to the back of Rancid's head.

4. E.R. makes a desperate play for the youth market by hiring Marilyn Manson as "Dr. Punk."

5. "Well, maybe if your diet included more than black coffee and organic vegetables, little Mexican girls wouldn't kick your ass so regularly."

6. Looking at this picture reminds one of the real tragedy of the Cheney shooting incident... that valuable ammunition was wasted that could have been used on people like this.

7. Evidently, the Borg tried to assimilate Rancid, then they spit him right back out.

8. You know, an "I wish I knew how to quit you" caption here would just be redundant.

9. "Despite the bruises, you're the lucky one. The other guy didn't even leave Thunderdome."

10. "I can't believe Ed Norton and Brad Pitt both kicked your ass."

Best of Jonathan H
"One second. You still got some of my jizz on your lip there."

Best of David Simon
The makeup session abrubtly ended when a Polish maid grabbed punk boy's legs and did some light dusting.

"I always do his makeup," Freddy Felcher explained. "I want to make sure that I'm not the only one who looks like an idiot."

"Because your breath smells worse than the collective used jock straps of the 49ers offensive line. Now open your damn mouth and pop this Altoid!"

Best of jeff
"Now this is going to sting a bit...Stand still!"

Yep, that's cold sore. Let me put some salve on it...and remember, no snogging for us tonight!

Best of catbat
Everybody shut up, 'cause they're in love and I think so am I.

"you never listen to me. i told you not to start a pit at the gwen stefani concert."

Best of Divine miss M
"So, you're saying that a generalization of the Kronecker decomposition theorem states that every finitely generated Abelian group is isomorphic to the group direct sum of a finite number of groups, each of which is either cyclic of prime power order or isomorphic to Z? No sh*t?"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Oh the Bush twins are so ready for us."

Best of Submariner
You know, sweetie, it would be a lot faster and easier if you let me just make real bruises...

Your Yin-Yang chili-pepper earring and Matrix head port? FAB-ulous, darling!

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"Why, yes...that is a stone crab claw hanging from my ear! And I am happy to see you!"

Best of Robert
I just love the way this shade brings out the color in your black-n-blue marks.

Found this at SFGate. No surprise there. Hey, have you ever notice you never see any African-American punks? I wonder what's up with that. Am I racist for even thinking about that? Dawn, are you still out there? Little help?

Ebony and a Very Thin Twig of Ivory

1. Guess who's coming to throw up dinner.

2. Al Sharpton's seldom-seen wife greets visitors to his home in Stepford.

3. An anorexic blond and a pimp walk into a bar... stop me if you've heard this one before.

4. Divided by politics and race... united by their love for the music of John Tesh.

5. "Damn, Ann. I never seen anybody able to cut and eat an individual molecule of chicken and greens."

6. "Who cares if they won't seat us, Al. I wouldn't be caught dead eating at Denny's anyway."

7. "You brought me here to dump me, didn't you, Al? If you think I won't cause a scene just because it's a public place, think again."

8. "Tom Wolfe called, he wants his suit back."

9. "This is not my beautiful House. This is not my beautiful wife. My god . . . what have I done?"

10. The sight of two people with completely black auras totally freaked out Dionne Warwick.

Best of Rodney
Sharpton: "Screw Nagin, let's start our own chocolate and vanilla twist city, baby."

The correct answer for this round of charades is: "10"

Best of Submariner
Hmmmmmmmm; usually it's the dude that sings "I Like Big Butts..."

Al mused; "If Jesse would just get on your right, we'd have a double-stuffed oreo ad..."

Best of Drew
One of these men is not like the other... one of these men are not the same.

Theoretically, Ann... I could consume six of you before I would feel "full".

Best of David Simon
In this undated photograph, Al Sharpton is seen with cross-dressing prostitue CiCi Lame. "I swear, I didn't know," Sharpton told reporters after posting bail.

Right wing polemicist Ann Coulter and former Democrat presidential hopeful Al Sharpton announce their engagement at Le Bernardin. "If you're looking for Carville and Matalin, try the unemployment line," quipped Coulter.

"Over here, officer. This is the guy who stole my purse."

"My It's Just Lunch counselor is dead meat."

Best of Jonathan H
"That's right, I DO take my men like I take my coffee; black." (And Sharpton takes his women likes he takes his coffee, cold and bitter - V)

Al suddenly had a flashback to the movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind when that tall, skinny alien stepped off the mothership.

Best of jeff
"I said ragheads, not greaseheads!"

Best of Robert
Ann: Liberal traitor!
Al: Facist Bitch!
Ann: Make love to me right now!

Ann Coulter put this on her website, so she must have known this was coming. Hat tip to Submariner.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Super Trooper

1. Trooper Dan never went anywhere without his trusty Afghan hound.

2. ORA --- "What the hell is that guy stuffing into that wood chipper?"

3. Trooper Dan pulls over every car he sees with a Green Party, Kucinich-04, or DailyKos bumper sticker. Trooper Dan leads his unit in annual marijuana busts.

4. "Heh-Heh-Heh. Heh-Heh-Heh. That thing on his hood says 'pots.' Heh-Heh-Heh."

5. "Dispatch, I got an African-American male doing 120 on I-96, muttering something about a 'ditch witch' and 'never be clean again.' Recommend Psych unit stand by."

6. "That Al Gore kid sure is a lippy son-of-a-bitch. I sure hope he enjoys sharing a cell with Luis the Satan-Worshipping Cannibal Rapist."

7. It always freaked out drunk drivers when Trooper Dan moonwalked over to their vehicle.

8. You could use a lot of words to describe Trooper Dan, but "Princessy" is not one of them.

Fair Use. Disclaimer. Americana.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Weekend Americana - Old Lady Edition

1. "When you get old, your bowel movements look like this."

2. Grandma Parker also got bitten by a radioactive spider, but she just kind of oozed stuff from her wrist.

3. "Little Friskies tastes just as good comin' up," Bulimia and the elderly, America's hidden tragedy.

4. And she's still 20 years younger than the average age of a 60 Minutes viewer.

5. "Bad Grandma! Bad! Take that gross thing, outside!" "Now, now, she doesn't know any better. Bringing a dead mole into the house is just her way of saying she loves us."

6. "You okay, grandma? They way you were coughing, we thought you were gonna hack up a lung or something."

7. "Wow, Grandma. You really did save Hitler's brain."

8. "Thank you, grandma, for the graphic illustration of exactly what will be left of social security after the baby boomers retire."

Fair Use. Disclaimer applies. Americana. Yadda-yadda-yadda...

Neither Wholesome Nor American

1. In Europe, instead of wholesome Americana, they get weird, Felliniesque crap like this.

2. "I can't believe all of us came dressed as Dan Rather's ego."

3. And then Blogger's server collapsed under the weight of Andrew Sullivan captions, which was ironic because Sully is a notorious bare-backer.

4. On the other hand, does anything say 'Europe' better than a bunch of cartoon characters with completely empty thought balloons?

5. Yoko Ono's rendition of 'Imagine' caused many spectators heads to explode.

6. The adult in me rolls his eyes at the sight of frosted Euro-trash with big balloon heads, but the kid in me thinks 'cool BB gun targets.'

7. John Kerry's attempt to escape The Island is once again foiled by Rover.

8. Olympic Opening Ceremony or lost episode of Twin Peaks, you be the judge."

9. The Euros tried to psyche out the Americans by showing their massive and superior intellects, but the Yanks knew they were just a bunch of airheads.

10. It was supposed to be a tribute to '99 Red Balloons,' but the color was changed for fear of offending Islam somehow.

Best of sonicfrog
Though many doubt the prospect of success, rehearsal continues on Andrew Lloyd Weber's new musical "Balloons".

Best of Rodney Dill
The arrival of Hellraiser's Pinhead sort of deflated the decorum of the festivities.

DRUDGEBREAKING: A South Korean scientist today announced that Howie Mandel has been cloned enmass. developing...

Best of Chevy Rose
"So we float when we jump, right? Right? RIGHTTTTTWRONGGGGGGGG"

Best of David Simon
The Raelians unveil their new vestments.

Best of jbinnout
Yeah, my trainer gave me shots, too. He swears it's just vitamins. All natural. I'll pass that urine test. Noooo problem.

Best of Submariner
The Amish were astonished that they could relieve the building pressure by er, um, ah, handling their ah, problem for a few minutes...

This is most certainly NOT the "Naked News," though the cup size might be right for that one Danish blond...

From Breitbart on a tip from El Hombre.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Hush, Hush, Sweet Dingbat

1. "Why do you smell like Ellen DeGeneres?" "How do you know what Ellen DeGeneres smells like."

2. "I thought you said Ike and Tina would be cool with the swap."

3. Movie nights at the Clinton White House were easy since everyone but Stephanopolous enjoyed hot, girl-on-girl action.

4. "... and if you want to win over the Gen-X crowd, begin your eulogy with 'I am Dieter, Shall ve dance?"

5. "You ever think about what you'll say at my funeral?" "Every minute of every day, Bill."

6. "Look at the way Martha Logan pushes her spineless, weasel-like husband around that is so-o-o-o-o unrealistic."

7. "I said, your earring's caught in my cuff-link."

8. "Cheezus, Hill. There are cameras all over the place. Could you at least pretend you'd rather be here than fisting Paula Poundstone at a Leather Womyn's Retreat?"

9. "I could smell the bitter almonds in my morning coffee a mile away. You'll have to try a lot harder than that, Hill."

10. "I've always secretly fantasized about being covered in canola oil and whipped by the Bush twins." "For God's sake, Hill, it's a funeral!"

Best of ColoradoPatriot
[O]bscure [I]mmature [C]ollege [F]arting [G]ame [R]eference: "Doorknob"*

"Sharpton's a big homo, pass it on."

"Grape, another flannel roll for a blank person we can exploit for polemical Danes." Carter's attempt to play "Telephone" fell flat pretty quickly.

Best of jeff
"Can I be on top tonight?" ("That's really up to whatever chubby slut you pick up at the sleazebar, Bill.") - V

Best of David Simon
"I can't keep my legs crossed and my crotch covered with notepaper forever. Tell me about your munch session with Ellen so I can get rid of this boner."

"Yes Bill, your watch is still ticking. Unfortunately, so is your heart."

"I can't even remember the last time I went six hours without getting laid. Who's idea was this anyway?"

Best of T. Harris
"If you feel somethin' pokin' the back of your chair, for God's sakes don't turn around. Just act like you don't feel nothin'. That damn Conyer's got more hangin' meat than an Arkansas smokehouse and it pisses me and Little Bubba off somethin' fierce."

Best of bad-d-d-dude
Do you realize I have had sex with everyone in this room . . . except you?

Best of AM42
Where will you be when your laxative starts working?

Best of Jonathan H
"I should have used Preparation H."

Best of Dusty
Conyers and I both could hear that last one.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"It's right here in Leviticus 18:22, Hill: 'Thou shall not lie with mankind as with womankind: it is abomination.' So as long as you don't LAY DOWN when you're with Ellen or Rosie, you should be in the clear!"

Best of Submariner
Da-amn, Hill. Great queef!

Bush is fine, but don't piss off Cheney. We're going hunting tomorrow.

You can have her daughter if I can have her cousin...

* I don't get it, but hey, he linked to Jeremy Bloom.

K Is P --- AGAIN!

Comin' Through


1. Uber-ORA --- "All right, enough you guys. Let's just say if Curtiss were on the island, Sayid would own his ass, and if Sayid were a terrorist, Curtiss would make him his bitch. Now, stop slapping each other and just eat some cake and ice cream."

2. "I must, I must, I must increase my bust ... otherwise, I'll never be the Thursday babe."

3. "Now, now, Rosie and Ellen. No need to fight. There's plenty of me to go around."

4. "When you're a jet, you're a jet all the way..."

5. "Chillax ho's! Don't be damagin' Mack Daddy's property, or he gun have to go upside some bitches' heads."

6. "Back off, bitches! Gary Glitter is mine!"

7. "Dios Mio! What happened to your left hand, chiquita? You reach into a fryalator or something?"

8. "Hey! Guys! Stop for a minute! I'm having a hallucination that Emmanuel Lewis is giving me a direct brain massage. Does this mean I'm tripping?"

9. "All right! You're happy and you know it. Now, shut the hell up!"

10. "Hey! No activating Wonder Twin Powers at my birthday unless you're going to take the shape of presents."

Best of CJ
But soon, the girls stopped fighting and slit each other's foreheads open with cake knives and it was the best Ashura ever!

Best of T. Harris
"Step back, step back.......BOX!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Ever since the Rachel Corrie incident, "patty-cake" was frowned upon in the village.

"Patty-cake, patty-cake, C-4 man,
Make me a belt just as fast as you can.

Best of David Simon
No, I don't feel the baby kicking.
Why am I so angry and bitter? Mom lets you get your hair done at Andrew Sullivan Coiffure. How would you like it if you had to walk around with this bowl cut?

Best of Rufus Leaking
Stop! The lights come on the lights go off - I can't take it any more!

Best of Van Helsing
"Stop it, Fatima! Kids with leprosy should never play pattycake! You want that hand to fall off?"

Best of Rufus Leaking
Hey! Hey! Not with the left hand! Do you know where that's been?

Stop applauding! Its NOT a good thing to be one of the 72 Virgins!

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"Stop celebrating, dammit! That was MY BROTHER who blew up the Zionist day care center!"

"No, no, no! It is NOT good news that Scott Ritter has arrived, you idiots! Run, before that perv approaches with the Charms blowpop again!"

Best of Rodney Dill
"There is no cake/There is no ice cream/Happy Birthday!"

Best of Occasional Reader
The girls' high-fiving over being chosen as finalists in "The Prophet's Favorite Bride Competition" was abruptly interrupted by Aisha.

Best of sonicfrog
Oprah's successor in training.

From the Washington Post Best of Ought-Five collection of pictures of people they think are better than you. Fair Use! Standard disclaimer always applies.