Tuesday, January 31, 2006

I Can't Find a Good Picture of Kennedy Bloviating Over Alito, So, Here's a Guy and Some Birds

1. Closer, closer,... yes, soon I will take you to Florida where the consumption of your flesh will make the dolphins live forever. Edgar was later convicted of transporting young gulls across state lines for immortal porpoises.

2. Once a mighty 1970's cultural phenomenon, Jonathan Livingston Seagull now lives quietly in Key West with longtime companion, Bruce.

3. Once again, imprinting has gone horribly awry.

4. Coming this summer from New Line Entertainment and Dreamworks SKG: White Rain. Terror has a whole new meaning.

5. I had no shoes and I was sad. Then I met a guy who was covered in seagull crap and I laughed and laughed and laughed.

6. ORA --- Tom Lehrer's got the pigeons in the park covered. The seagulls at the beach are all mine.

7. California Green Party Senate Candidate "Wind" consults with his advisors.

8. The training was tough, but eventually, the seagulls would learn to pull Bruce's finger.

9. Years of research, millions in grant money, and it turned out Pixar was right and the only word in the seagull language is, in fact, "Mine."

10. The years of accusations finally took their toll on Father Flaherty, who now serves communion only to seagulls, "the purest of God's creatures."

Best of Submariner
Henry then made his fortune making sausages from the birds' carcasses, marketed under the trade name "A Tern For The Wurst".

Negative on the fly-by, Maverick. The pattern is full.

Jonathon Livingston's last thought? "Tha last fry tasted like Alka Seltzer."

Best of Mr. Right
Craig headed off to the beach with a cooler full of cocaine-laced minnows and a dream... leave no tern unstoned!

Best of Citizen Grim
Brutus quivered in ecstacy at his wet dreams of seagulls picking the flesh from Caesar's decaptitated head, but he would eventually be forced to put them aside in favor of the more pragmatic knife-between-the-ribs.

By some twist of fate, he opened his eyes to find that he had mistakenly been sent to Oyster Hell, sentenced to be pecked at by incontinent seagulls for all eternity.

Best of John
Corky from "Life Goes On" abandoned his budding carreer in Hollywood for chance to become the next seagull taming sensation.

Best of Cybrludite
Hugo Chavez in an alternate universe where there actually is a just God...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Can't leave it at a caption ending in a "nine"!
Penniless and hungry, James showed the other homeless folks just how easy dinner could be had with only a single piece of bread and a tennis racket.

Fair Use! From this source. Hat Tip: Renna

Monday, January 30, 2006

Stormtrooper... Riding on the Metro-o-o-o-o-o

1. "Dammit, why do I always fall for that? I knew those were the droids I was looking for."

2. ORA --- "Oh, crap, it's John Rocker. I hope he doesn't sit next to me."

3. "If a squad of us took on a squad of Star Fleet red shirts, would anyone survive?" --- Stormtrooper Koan

4. "Yes, I have five dollars for each of you rebel scum."

5. "Why am I the only one wearing pants?"

6. "Hey, what's Billy Crystal doing to that old woman?"

7. "Damn vending machine's out of crack again. Stupid Bloomberg!"

8. "Let's see, should I get 'ribbed for her pleasure' or 'glow-in-the-dark..." when a scifi geek goes on a blind date, hope once again triumphs over experience.

9. "Hey, Floating Specter of Death, do you mind backing off while I put in my PIN number?"

10. "Crap. None of my captions made the 'Best of' list."

11. "So, the weekend train to the Dark Side doesn't run after 9:00 pm. I'm hosed."

Best of Rufus Leaking
You know, its not that you can't, but you shouldn't fart in a space suit. . .

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Berkeley Subway Station. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."

"What the hell good is a Stormtrooper without his blaster?... G*ddamned Homeland Security!"

George Lucas would later sue Denmark for posting images he thought ridiculed the Empire.

Best of lawhawk
Damnit. I hate getting stuck in the ass-end of space, but this place sucks even worse.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Cripes, dang muggers took my blaster again, and the HHGTTG said this place was, "Mostly Harmless"

You invade the earth with the Storm Troopers you have, not the Storm Troopers you may want or wish to have at a later time.

Best of Submariner
Having my blaster confiscated sucks, but getting permanently rid of that inflated scrotum guy? Sooooooooo worth it!

Following the Vogon's poetry reading in the transport tube, nobody was totally sure whether the trooper was only catatonic, or dead.

Things always got a bit looser on "Casual Friday's" in the Three Mile Island, Nuclear Plant's reactor controls room...

Best of John
"Meet us on the subway," they said. "Wear your Storm Trooper costume," they said. Damn 10th graders.

This guy put it on his website, so he was basically asking for it. Hat tip to Evariste at Discarded Lies: IMHO, the best community blog EVER!

The Missing Link

1. "What is today, Thursday? It feels like Thursday. Well, let's just check in on Caption This! and see Oh My Frackin' gods!"

2. With the Seahawks in the Superbowl and Sasquatch fighting for the Heavyweight Boxing Championship, it was a proud time for the Pacific Northwest.

3. "... And in the right corner, weighing in at 370 pounds, Gigantor, the partially shaved Wookie."

4. After the match, Gigantor snatched up Naomi Watts and climbed to the top of the Empire State Building.

5. Don't make Andrew Sullivan angry. You wouldn't like Andrew Sullivan when he's angry.

6. "Tell me again about the rabbits, George."

7. "He's perfect," whispered Karl Rove. "Shave him and make him governor of California."

8. "Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!"

9. After his fight with Sasquatch left him severely brain-damaged, Vassily's boxing career was over, but his career as one of Daily Kos's most popular correspondants had just begun.

Best of jeff
"Oooh, sorry dude - that's gonna leave a mark!"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Mongo like candy."

Best of Citizen Grim
Oh, cruel fate! Curse these ineffectual marshmallow hands!

Best of Chevy Rose
"Damn, I can't see his nose! Just one big hairy face with very wideset starring bulgy eyes."

"You want I should make you six inches shorter?...Again."

Best of Cybrludite
On the left is the Alito appointment to the Supreme Court, on the right is Kennedy & Kerry's attempt to fillibuster...

Best of Mr. Right
"No hitting below the belt? No hitting below the belt??? Are you kidding me, I'd need a ladder just to hit anything above the f***ing belt!"

Guy on right: "Something tells me my agent found out I was fooling around with his wife..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Raging Mutant


Best of Submariner
Curse your man-booby body armor!

James Carville was an even bigger, meaner-spirited @$$-hole after drinking Swampthing's formula...

Quartermain watched with interest as Jeckyl fought with his inner demon...

Big Guy: I thought this one came with a screw-top. Damn, have to get my opener.

Hat Tip: Ace

Y Tu Moonbat Tambien

1. "No... I'm with stupid."

2. "Oh, Hugo, you arranged to have some dissidents crushed just for me? You sweetie! That's just what Castro did when we were dating."

3. Mother Moonbat gives Brokeback Mountain an enthusiastic Thumbs Up! Chavez daydreams of a Jake-and-Hugo-sandwich-on-hot-buttered-Heath.

4. After seeing Brokeback Mountain, mother Moonbat went lesbo and a wrote a children's book about the experience: The B*tch in the D*tch Makes the Sw*tch.

5. Chavez's earwig moons the running dogs of the yankee imperialist press.

6. "Speaking of running dogs, a little jogging might help with those thighs, Mother Sheehan."

7. "I thought a prolonged session of prostate massage with Jesse Jackson would cure my thumbsucking, but it only got worse."

8. The Bush Administration finally figured out what to do about Hugo Chavez: Beam him down on an away mission with Kirk, Spock, and McCoy.

9. Mother Moonbat gives an enthusiastic thumbs up to "only the best freakin' tater tots ever!"

10. "He fought bravely, I say spare this gladiator. What say you, Emperor Chavez?"

Best of sonicfrog
"God. Hugo. I love you so much... I have spinach in my teeth, don't I".

Best of jeff
Cindy Sheehan demonstrates that she's so incompetent that she can't even make a proper "hand" gun...

Best of Van Helsing
"Hugo says what he likes about me is I'm all thumbs. I shove it right up there and he yips in ecstasy."

Best of Mr. Right
Oh, Hugo! That shirt looks simply smashing on you... but shouldn't the hammer and sickle go in the front?

"That smile needs to be a little wider, Ms. Sheehan... here, let me help!"

Best of bad-d-d-dude
“Cindy ‘The Assassin’ Sheehan signals 'all systems go' to her secret accomplice, Pat Robertson, as President Chavez looks on—unaware that he is about to be literally whined into oblivion.”

Cindy Sheehan, thinking she had been introduced to Victor Hugo, gives a big thumbs up as she explains to President Chavez how she loved reading "Les Miserables" in college. President Chavez, resigned to the use of hearing aids as age and occupation catch up with him, smiles at the irony--he thought he was going to be visited by Charlie Sheen.

Best of Submariner
Cindy lets the crowd of tens (reporters) know that Hugo has agreed to write a new endorsement for her book cover.

Best of andthenblammo!
"Uh, chu are veerrry nize, Zindy, but I'm afraid I still ruv Rucy!"

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"Shhhhhhhhhhhhh! Cindy is about to demonstrate the 'Peace Mom Prostate Massage' technique!"

Hugo: Thank goodness I found some gum to stuff in my ears to muffle the noise from that b*tch's mouth.

Cindy: I asked one of Hugo's guards to pull my finger and he pulled the farkin' thing clear off!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
When the motherships finally descended, Cindy welcomed the alien lizards to our planet without once questioning their motives.
Hat tip: Moonbattery. Originally from: Yahoo News/Ass-Press.

Tonight on Sick, Twisted Caption-Bait Theatre...

1. Another tragic victim of Juvenile-Onset Man-Hands.

2. "Yer my favorite sister-cousin."

3. Dude... my hands are, like... huge!"

4. Heather has two mommies... and the best freakin' Sleepovers ever!

5. "Do not refer our home as 'The Crib,'" Prussian Blue admonished the reporter. "That's Mud-People Talk."

6. "No, Mr. Polanski, we're fine... just like the other 83 times you checked in on us. Now, would you please just let us get some sleep?"

7. In order to sell the All-New Brady Bunch to the jaded, O.C.-demographic, the producers gave Jan and Marcia a secret, forbidden love.

8. Ellen DeGeneres would never forget her first sleepover.

9."Awwwww, c'mon dad. You can't shut us down now. Our webcam was getting 40,000,000 hits a week."

10. Guests of Camille Paglia's Summer Camp for Young Supple Girls will learn the joys of female bonding over cigars and lots of posters of Christina Aguilera.

Photo legally and fairly used for non-commercial editorial and satirical purposes from: Madalyn Ruggiero / Special to the Detroit News. Hat tip: Divine Miss M. Standard Disclaimer (sidebar) appplies.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Check Your Head

1. "Yes, the hot glue burns a little at first, but do you want to be Little Miss Oshkosh, or not?"

2. "How the hell did you get a Go'a'uld mind control device stuck on your temple?"

3. "I'm gonna need a price check on Aisle 4."

4. "Yeah, she was about a quart low, but she'll be fine soon as I get this 10W30 into her."

5. "Dammit, which kid are you again? Here, I gotta scan your bar code."

6. "Good girl! Mommy's 'Circus of Head Lice' just moved another step closer to reality."

7. "Mmmm-hmm, I heard you, you're four months pregnant and showing, that's nice dear. Hey, your sister's body temperature is exactly 98.7. Ain't that somethin'?"

8. "There's a small micro-fracture in your positronic neural-net. Have Geordi check it out."

9. "Hey! I paid good money on QVC for this Home Phrenology Kit, so by-god we're going to use it."

10. Years later, Andrea would learn that there was no such thing as a 'Dork Detector,' but by that time, the damage had already been done.

From the usual source of hometown Americana who have got to have figured me out by now if they're serving up stuff like this.

The Usual Saturday Americana

1. "Well, with your coloring, I'd go with the teal body stocking, but red is also good."

2. Mary Kaye LeTourneau sizes up another prospect.

3. "I appreciate your interest in your daughter's happiness, but you'll just have to take my word for it. There's plenty down there to keep her satisfied."

4. "Oh, don't worry about holding 'em in, I've been farted on lots of times."

5. "Sorry, Jeff, but you gotta be at least this big to ride the Wild Linda"

6. "No, trust me, this will work better and won't leave scratches on the bedposts."

7. Mrs. Wilson's sex-ed class covers auto-erotic asphyxiation.

8. "We gotta make sure the sleeves are long enough to cover your 'Gay Pride' tattoo."

9. Jeff survives the humiliation by composing another teen-angst poem for his journal. Jeff has a very large journal.

10. "Well, I may not be as young and supple as I once was, but, c'mon Jeffy. Do you really want to be the only 17 year old virgin at this school?"

No actual wholesome small-town Americans were harmed in the fair, legitimate, satirical use of this photo.

Friday, January 27, 2006

From the Land of Dairy Queen

1. Bjork shouldn't have messed with Tonya Harding.

2. 'Ow to Speak Yooper:"Icebreaker"

3. Bill Clinton thinks, "Frigid, overweight, no fashion sense ... I must have her."

4. "When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I suffer the sensation that Monica Lewinsky is belly-luging on a desolate Russian ice-pond."

5. The producers of March of the Penguins present Slide of the Snow Cows.

6. Even after its legs were shot out from under its torso, the horrid ice zombie kept approaching.

7. Hey baby! Wanna see my "North Pole?"

8. Oksana Baiul was lucky to be thrown clear of her latest drunk driving accident.

9. The eskimo hunting party got lucky, and secured enough blubber to feed the entire village.

10. Rosie O'Donnell was so committed to spreading the word about global warming that she personally financed, directed, and starred in Day After Tomorrow 2: The Day After The Day After Tomorrow. It lost $340 million.

Best of Rufus Leaking
God made all men, but COLD made 'em equal

"What an icehole!"

Best of AM42
This release of "Supergirl- The Movie" starring Rosanne Barr, was postponed indefinitely once the producers discovered that no amount of special effects in the world could possibly make the lead actress appear to fly.

Best of Rodney Dill
Sue was America's next great hope for medaling in the 2006 Winter Olympics in the Boobsledding event.

The hot tub at Lambeau Field is very popular with the locals.

"Ok, she didn't sink, Burn her"

Best of jeff
The grey aliens attempting to burst out of her breasts were stopped by the extreme cold of her self-sacrifing slide.Thus was the world saved.

Best of Van Helsing
After falling through, Bertha became wedged in a hole in the ice. Fortunately she was able to fly free with a vigorous exhalation of flatulence. Unfortunately she was to land a moment later, once again wedged into a hole in the ice, but this time face-down.

Best of Capt. Queeg
"...as Europe's cold snap continues, another whale has beached itself on the Thames.."

Best of Citizen Grim
"Don't worry about me, you fool, look behind you! Hillary is doing the robot!"

The mad geneticists in Leningrad would soon learn the error of their ways, as the Boa-Woman devoured Alexei in broad daylight and turned toward Boris with malice in her eyes.

Best of Mo K.
The conning tower of the Soviet submarine Komsomolets breaks through the ice cap so the crew can take a bearing.

Best of Cybrludite
Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.

Global warming my fat frozen @$$! Here, pull me out of this friggin' glacier...

Best of sonicfrog
Quick, call Mulder and Scully. Tell them we found the Aliens... and tell Scully to wear a heavy sweater. I think these Aliens are hungry.

Best of Submariner
Hey baby; 20 bucks for a "frosty?"

Inga always went the extra mile for her baby. Here, she's seen attempting to make him a vanilla milkshake.

Olga assists Vladivostock scientists in Arctic Ocean, glacier-shock-induced, tsnunami research.

Inspired by Submariner
Where Frostees come from... What Wendy's doesn't want you to know.

Fair Use! From this source. Hat Tip: Renna

Cinema Friday, Mile High Club Edition

1. "See, I like babies, but I'm not into men as such." Jodie Foster's search for sperm donors could be described as "informal."

2. "Just between you and me, John Hinckley is hot."

3. "Four your in-flight meal, you have a choice of mystery-meat with a side of fava beans and a nice chianti, or lasagne."

4. "Jodie, check out the stud in 22-F. He could put me in an upright and locked position any time."

5. "I am so sick and tired of you spoiled brat passengers and your constant whining. 'I want more peanuts!' 'I need a pillow!' 'The wing is on fire!' Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!"

6. "That Lithgow guy in 14-A is really starting to freak me out." (ORA)

7. "... and, furthermore, having Channel 6 on the headsets devoted to John Denver's Greatest Hits is just tacky."

8. "There seems to be some commotion in Coach. Does anyone know what 'Allahu Akhbar' means?"

9. "The other passangers quit when we got to 72 bottles of beer on the wall. Make them sing, damn you!"

10. "I'm sorry, ma'am, but the captain finished off the vodka before we even backed away from the gate."

Best of Cybrludite
"It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing. Such a little thing." "The One Ring?" "No, Jodie. Your acting talent."

Best of Submariner
I don't care if you think it's "phallocentric," we will continue to refer to that as "the cockpit," Jodie, not the "panic room." (At least not in front of the passengers...)

Jodie felt sorry for the majority of the passengers, knowing they would make the mistake of staying awake as the plane flew through the portal...

I don't want to alarm anyone, but I just noticed that George Kennedy is on board.

Come to the cock-pit with me hon. You've been elected to inflate the "auto-pilot," if you know what I mean...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Excuse me... Perhaps I can help... I speak Jive..."

"Everytime I put on my headphones to listen to the Arecibo channel, I keep hearing this 'whoosh' sound in a funny little pattern."

"Tell me Clarice, do the lambs still scream?"

"Mmm-hmm... Thank-you-for-flying, buh bye."

Best of Rodney Dill
"I'm gonna punch that midget in 5A if he says 'the plane, the plane,' just one more time."

"But isn't Emergency Blow submarine terminology?"

Best of Lyn
We've been ... Left Behind!

And quit calling me Shirley.

Best of Van Helsing
"The passenger in seats 13A through C farted again." "Dammit, why can't Michael Moore take a private jet like other limousine liberals?"

Best of lawhawk
I knew it was a bad idea when you have Boromir on board in the presence of My Precious....

Best of sonicfrog
Well, damn it. Of coarse I ate her! What's the big deal? What did you expect me to do, eat the crappy airline food??? Hannabal is my father after all. And you're the brainiac that sat her right next to me on a long trans-Atlantic filght.

Best of Prough91
You have got to quit the hand job, people are looking.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"Don't look now, but Eminem is eavesdropping on us!"

Best of Kevin Walker
Dang it! I meant "There may be fifty ways to leave your [b]lover[/b], but there are only six ways out of this plane."

This one was just blatantly stolen from Mr. Cranky

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Pants? We Don't Need No Stinking Pants!

1. "Hey, we're wearing shirts and shoes. We demand service."

2. "Fresh air through my privates provides temporary relief from that itching, burning yeast infection."

3. "I wish this train would go faster, or they might start the anti-abortion protest without me!"

4. "I'm auditioning for a job at Scorez. Anyone mind if I practice my pole dancing?"

5. "Nah, she doesn't do anything for me. Large men with bald spots on the other hand, Rrrrrowwwrr!"

6. "The Berkeley City Council sentenced me to six weeks community service flashing my supple young flesh to commuters who seldom get any."

7. Bjork never understood why she was arrested. She just assumed from the smell that everybody peed in the subway.

8. Another concession of the Bloomberg administration to the Transit Workers Union: bag ladies are required to be younger, better-looking, and show some skin.

9. Dang, I can't remember which Clinton advertised the internship. Well, either way, I'm dressed for success.

10. "Probably just o' them 'Metro-sexuals' ya hear so much about."

Best of jeff
Hey Bud, is it considered child pr0n when they peel in front of you on the subway?

Best of the Spambot
Do you want to find an internship in spring and summer in 2006? You can see countless internship more than any other internship job site.

Best of Cybrludite
Yeah, she's probably jail-bait, but don't complain. The next car down's "No Pants" particapant works as a Michael Moore impersonator...

The young female Chechen terrorist continued with her mission, despite the lack of a restroom to more privately retrive her supply of Semtex.

Best of Mr. Right
"Did you ever make love on a real train, Joel?"

"Hey, Paul... You better not do that here --- Oh! So that's why they called you 'Pee-Wee' Herman!"

Best of Submariner
"Dammit Jill, no daughter of mine should be dropping trou on the tube. Either strip completely or don't tease these nice folks."

See? I am a "natural brunette!"

Huh? Well just how much privacy did you think a $10 quickie would buy?

Best of The Man
Chasity's doctor informed her the rash developed because the poles on the subway were not as clean as the ones at DeJa Vu.

Best of Van Helsing
Despite her best efforts, she was unable to elicit the anonymous wedgie that had become the focus of her most intense sexual fantasies.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Well that eliminates the Camel-toe problem."

Best of Prough91
Artie was so glad he brought his pole on the commute that morning.

Jill was different. Oh yeah, she put her pants on one leg at a time like everyone else, but she didn't pull them up all the way.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"Dammit, Amtrak, I wish I knew how to quit you!"

Best of Citizen Grim
With property values skyrocketing throughout New York City, strip club owners were forced to come up with creative new solutions...

Best of Rufus Leaking
Semtex? I thought you said TAMPAX!

What if you gave 'performance art' and nobody noticed?

That's not what the conductor meant when he said, 'Please use the rear door!'

From here, H/T Ace,

Here She Is...

1. Gesundheit

2. "No, dear, wait until you're backstage before you purge."

3. "Did you know if your hand is bigger than your face, it means you have cancer?" SMACK!

4. Jenny was so shocked by Monica's indecent proposal that she had to physically keep her jaw from dropping.

5. By 2006, the Miss America Pageant had gotten so boring even the winners couldn't stop yawning. So, in 2007, they added the 'Naked Midget Mud Wrestling' Competition.

6. "Congratulations. Howard Stern will be interviewing you in the morning. You might want to cover a couple more orifices."

7. "Dude! It's called 'mouthwash.' MOUTH-WASH. It's not expensive."

8. "You are now the legal property of the Sultan of Brunei. I bet you wish you had read the fine print in that contract now."

9. "OMG! The chick in The Crying Game was actually a guy!"

10. For the talent competition, Jenny recites filthy limericks in the voice of Kenny from South Park.

Best of Van Helsing
"Sorry, Dear. I guess you didn't see that left jab coming. If you tip your head back, your nose might stop bleeding."

Best of The Man
Don't worry, this year's show is on CMT. Noone will see you cry.

Andrew Sullivan has just found his new MySpace profile picture.

Best of Submariner
Upon hearing that Prough91 claimed this was "another picture of one of my girlfriends," Miss America blew lunch and abdicated her crown.

That's a hard one... I guess my ideal date would be April 25th.

And he just stood there saying "giggidy, giggidy..." Oh it was terrible!

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yes your dress is on backwards, but I think it fits better."

Best of Occasional Reader
"I am soooo happy! I guess the judges loved my speech about how I would use my title to lift and separate the American people from the swelling tensions that cleave us apart."

Best of jeff
Really sucks to get a nosebleed on the runway, eh, runner up?

Best of Cybrludite
Aw, geeze, not only is Michael Moore in the front row, but he's been eating at Poncho's all you can eat Mexican buffet every day for the past three months...

Oh, crap! The straps on that white-haired girl's corset just popped. Turns out she's really with Code Pink. The horror! The horror!

Jenny finally notices that Miss Haiti (On the right)has been dead for over a year & moves entirely at the will of the Voodoo hougan who keeps her as a sex toy.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
Eva Longoria isn't taking Michelle Kwan's lesbo proposition too well, is she?

I know I pulled ALL of your fingers hon, but that's still some rip, even for a big girl like you!

Fairly Used for Legitimate Editorial and Satirical Purposes from ROTO-REUTERS/Susan Gregg

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Boyfinger Goes Black (I Hope He Never Comes Back)

1. "Driver! Take me to the Black Bloc!"

2. The Emir of Kuwait's sudden death from heart attack occurred at the end of Boyfinger's performance of the Dance of the Seven Veils.

3. Boyfinger's been dating a lot more since Highlights magazine added a personals ads section.

4. "Oh, Driver? Do I look like Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice?"

5. "Thank you, driver. If you hear any screams that sound like a child being sodomized in the back seat, it's just me rehearsing 'Man in the Mirror'."

6. The pop star offers ices/And hopes the boy will not resists/When he tries to practices/Few people even know exist --- Apologies to E. Gorey.

7. "A is for Ahmed, smothered in mustard/B is for Blanket, whose rectum was ruptured... --- More apologies to E. Gorey

8. Boyfinger's Hallowe'en costume, the Island Monster from Lost.

9. The camera never lies. The boy is clearly labeled 'Toy.'

10. "Take Me to the headquarters of the N-A-M-B-L... well, spelling it out doesn't make much sense, now, does it?"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Will Mr. Death be joining you later?"

Best of Divine miss M
"Billie Jean is not my lover/She's just a girl who claims that I am the one/who stole her abaya."

Best of Submariner
Good Ahmed. Did you stock the limo with Je... er, uh, Muhammed Juice?

Sagging, bagging pants? Oh no you will not! I'll not have a son of mine leaving the mansion looking like a freak...

Louis; after you drop him off, see if you can round me up a smelly pirate cabin-boy for some shiverin of me timber, if you know what I mean...

Best of The Man
Andrew Sullivan knows how Jackson's boy feels. Whenever he goes on dates, his boyfriend has him cover his head in public to avoid being seen with him.

Best of Occasional Reader
I'll pass on the "I may be [condition] and reeking of [substance], but I still have my dignity" meme for this one.

Best of V the K
"So, Blanket, how did you enjoy your first day at Brokeback Day Care?"

Best of Big_Iron
"We're off to see the Imam, the wondeful Imam of Ooze!

Best of Prough91
Michael was so embarrassed when he showed up at the rally wearing the wrong color sheet.

Sith Lord traveling with his midget executioner.

Best of Van Helsing
Doesn't the kid get a last lollipop before Death drives him off to the firing squad?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"He arrived a few weeks ago. We have no idea who he is, so we call him 'John P.Doe'. We're keeping numerous records of his antics with young children... We're calling it the 'P.Doe File'."

AssPress Photo from Excite news on a Tip from Divine Miss M.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Why Bill Cheats


2. Everybody's doin' a brand new dance now/C'mon baby do the

3. "Ein Volk! Ein Dyke!"

4. "The Republicans run the Congress like a plantation. And if any of you even think of voting for them, I swear to God I'll cut off your foot and sell your children."

5. "And as we all know, spying on Americans is wrong... unless they're conservative radio talkshow hosts, political opponents with FBI files, or bimbos your husband banged who need to shut the Hell up!"

6. "Hey, Rev, does your choir know anything by the Indigo Girls?"

7. "Senator Byrd! No! You put that cross out this very minute!"

8. For shame, Senator Clinton! Don't you know how many Smurf villages were firebombed to procure the pelts for that jacket?

9. "Hey, you, the hottie with the white hair and coat hangers. I'll be back to pick you up later."

10. "It's all right, everyone. Try to remain Calm. No sudden moves. Howard Dean is not usually dangerous unless something startles him."

Best of Submariner
So anyways, there I was on the plane and these two brothers started talking, but the stew couldn't understand them. Lucky thing I was there to interpret their jive...

A moment later, Hill whipped her head left and let fly, setting a new expectoratin' record by hitting the second tier balcony...

Harry Belafonte muttered, "If she doesn't shut up soon, even I am going to vote for a Republican!"

Best of Van Helsing
I'm a freak in heat/A dog without warning/My appetite is sex/Cuz, oh, me so horny... And I think you know what I'm talking about... Is Sheila Jackson Lee in the house?

Best of The Man
Some people say I am playing the race card. That's nothing but jive-talk, bitches. You know what I'm talking about.

Best of The Man
Ms. Clinton's aides told her that doing The Robot would probably not win over the crowd.

Best of sonicfrog
Domo arigato, Mrs. Roboto, domo...domo

Best of Shayne
"... and sometimes, after I eat some bran flakes, it sounds like this..."

Best of Rodney Dill
Hillary alienates even more New York voters by indicating that she is a Braves fan.

"But, Mr Wonka, I want to eat the blueberries."

Best of Mr. Right
"Um... excuse me, can I get some help up here? Someone put the red felt banner on this podium on backwards... the hammer and sickle are supposed to go in the front!"

"I like big butts and I can not lie/You other brothers can't deny/That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist/And a round thing in your face/You get sprung...

Stolen from Getaway Pundit.

Beyond Childbearing Hips

1. "Not in the ear! Not in the ear! How many times do I have to tell you, you stupid bitch! Not in the ear!"

2. "Do not take the brown morning-after pills. Repeat.Stay away from the brown morning-after pills."

3. "Ah, breaker one-nine, this here's the Rubber Duck. You gotta copy on me, Pig Pen, c'mon? Ah, yeah, 10-4, Pig Pen, fer shure, fer shure. Yeah, that's a big 10-4 there, Pig Pen, yeah, we definitely got the front door, good buddy. Mercy sakes alive, looks like we got us a convoy..."

4. "All right, next question: Ellen, or Rosie?"

5. "All right, fellow smelly pirates hookers. Who's up for some bawdy sea chanties?"

6. "Okay, I think we have our winner in the 'Most Retarded Hat' competition."

7. "Heeeere she is....Miss Bir-ken-stock...."

8. "You better hold that closer, my Miracle Ear just crapped out again."

Best of Lyn
1 dolla bid a bid a 1 dolla, who'll give me 2... 2 dolla? 2 dolla bid who'll bid a 2 dolla?

Yes, I suffer from furniture disease. That's when my chest drops down to my drawers.

Best of Jonathan H
"Attention, attention. If you have lost a coat hanger, please come forward and identify it to get it back."

"Attention, there is a 1960 Volkswagen Bus with their lights on."

Best of Rufus Leaking
Wow, the guys at my Ikea never demonstrate how to use the hangers! They just let ya buy 'em and figure out how to use them yourself!

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yes, yes, we're just for rumpled clothes, piled in a heap on the floor. Don't hang up nothin'."

Best of Cybrludite
The one in the pink hat is the "teenaged catholic shcoolgirl" you were wanking with on IM last night...

Best of Submariner
Yes, I put a rolled sock in each pocket for the "Andrew's" in the crowd. Next question?

We are focusing the anti-Rovian ray from this hand-held field unit so everyone can remove there tin-foil for the news crews. I repeat. It is now safe to remove all foil-wear for the news crew footage...

Hillary? Senator Hillary Rodham? Your keys were drawn, so come on up and get your girl.

And we find it not only wrong, but morally reprehensible to fish your own keys out of a locked car...

"I'm, too sexy for my sweatshirt, too sexy for my sweatshirt, so sexy it hurts..."

Best of Van Helsing
Not only does the coathanger symbolize enthusiasm for abortion, it can also be used to recieve signals from the benevolent beings from outer space, which are then helpfully translated for the audience.

Best of Mr. Right
More than twenty years after its initial release, crowds of enthusiastic fans would still gather from far and wide for midnight screenings of "Mommie Dearest"...

"And we have a message for The Little Dutch Boy: We're coming for you, assh**e!"

Photos From Zombie

Ugh, I Wish They Really Did Only Come Out at Night

1. "Heterosexuality is a disease, I am the cure!"

2. "So, how many protests have you been to?" Clop! Clop! Clop! Clop!

3. "Damn, Velma. Not only does the light filter perfectly through your ears, but your cranium acts as a telephoto lens."

4. "So, how many fatal fires have you set this year?" Clop! Clop! Clop! Clop!

5. I sure hope those red straps must have a tensile strength approaching titanium alloy.

6. It's 10 o'clock. Do you know where your moonbat is? Do you care?

7. "My head is a protected Tele-Tubby spawning area."

8. Tinfoil ear-muffs not only shield against Karl Rove's mind control beam, they also pick up Radio Pacifica.

9. The gene pool could definitely use some chlorine, unfortunately, she used it all on her hair.

10. The ultimate, all-purpose, 'Before' picture.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Thank god she didn't join the Boobs, not bombs protest

Best of Prough91
I give up. Are the straps to keep her boobs up or her belly in?

Best of The Man
Andrew Sullivan found out he could protest and still make the 9pm showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Does this sign make me look stupid?

Best of Mr. Right
Maybe it's just my imagination, but even its own hair seems to be screaming, "SHUT UP!"

Janeane Garofalo kicks back with her homies after finishing her shift at Air America.

Best of Occasional Reader
"The medium is the message", Figure 1

Best of Right Wing Animator
She reminds me of my friend's Plague Marine from Warhammer 40k, she's about as ugly and bloated as him anyway..

Best of Cybrludite's Reruns
"I am the very model of a trendy faux bisexual/I dress in black to show that I'm a tortured intellectual/My piercings have gone septic but at least I'm not respectable/I think that labels stink and that Nutella is delectable ..."

Best of Cybrludite
Friends don't let friends shop at Hot Topic!

Best of Van Helsing
I do not want to be present when those straps give way.

Best of Sonic Frog
Rainbow Brite's less known sister, Darkly Dumb.

Little Miss Muffet, twenty years and many helpings of curd and whey latter.

Best of Submariner
You think this is harsh? You should see me in my day-job. I'm a Land's End® Customer Service Rep...

Photo From Zombie

Non-Conformists Wearing the Official Non-Conformist Uniform

1. America's Least Wanted

2. "We wear black on the outside because black is how we feel on the inside. Also, it's slimming and easy to accessorize."

3. The Bay Area Chapter of "Down With People" prepares for their half-time show.

4. "Velcome to 'Sprockets' Shall ve dance?"

5. "They kicked us out. Apparently, they have some fascist policy that if your personal body funk is worse than the stench of rotting fish in the dumpster out back, they won't serve you."

6. "No, we can't eat here. It was so embarrassing last time. Lumumba ordered Mahi Mahi and then got pissed when it turned out it wasn't a type of marijuana."

7. "Che will go to the bathroom at precisely 4:56 and plant the device. We walk out of the restaurant at 4:58, and by 5 o'clock, us ditching on the bill will be the last thing on their minds."

8. "So, I asked the wage slave, 'What's this fly doing in my soup?'And she says, 'An interpretation of your piece-of-sh*t life, you no-tipping, trustafarian loser.'"

9. "Does my chin look like a gophers butt to you?"

10. "Well, thanks for offering to let me in your clique, guys, but, to be honest, I'd rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy Black Bloc kid."

Best of Drew
Guys, I just consulted Gangsta for Dummies and apparently we're supposed to wear the bandanas on top of our heads, yet pulled down enough to slightly cover the eyes. My bad.

Best of rufus leaking
"What do you mean, 'I'm not black enough?'"

Best of Occasional Reader
"Look, NONE of us are happy that the Campfire Girls beat us up and took our lunch money. But we're just gonna have to pool our remaining money, and see if we can't at least buy a package of fascist Mrs. Field's cookies."

Best of Mr. Right
"Look, all I'm saying is: If New Orleans can be a 'chocolate city', why the hell can't San Francisco be a 'black licorice village'?"

"Look, you can all be Black Bart, okay! Now just throw me down on the sidewalk and hogtie me already! And couldn't at least ONE of you guys have worn a ten-gallon hat and a pair of chaps? This fantasy just isn't turning out like I had planned..."

Best of Donnah
"And then I saw this naked guy with an inflated scrotum! It was wild!"

Best of Gaijin Biker
Jimmy waited anxiously, as the other kids debated whether to let him into the gang despite his gauche chain wallet.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Why do I have to be Agent Smith, I want to be Neo."

Best of Submariner
Today's meeting of the Ted Kaczynski Fan Club will come to order...

OK, Ho Chi Minh, you're the deciding vote - is it Chuck-E-Cheese or Micky D's after the protest?

Best of Cybrludite
(From the blonde in the middle) For all six of you? Well, my hourly rate is fourty bucks plus the hotel room, so not more than $20-30. Less if I do more than one at a time...
From the leader in the hoodie, counting their saved up pocket change) Um, how much less?

Best of Van Helsing
Snooky, I told you not to wash your new black jeans in with the rest of our clothes.

Photos From Zombie taken at Bay Area abortion protest and featuring Code Pink, the Black Bloc, and the Raging Grannies: The Triple Crown of Moonbattery. (Well, International ANSWER wasn't there, but it's a decent turn of phrase.)

Monday, January 23, 2006

Oh, The humanity!

1. Craving human flesh, the zombie podbeings emerge from their tight Lycra cocoons.

2. Invasion of the Body Stockings

3. If lycra biking shorts are a fashion no-no, this should be a fashion death penalty.

4. "Hey! Macarena!"

5. The most effective anti-drug poster ever.

6. When did Michael Jackson get those happenin' arm tats?

7. Q grants the gift of humanity to the Rock-Em-Sock-Em Robots.

8. "If I can't whore myself to Saddam for bribes, I'm sure as hell whorin' myself for an NEA grant."

9. "Let's do the Time Warp Again!"

10. After seeing Galloway and Jackson butcher Vincent and Mia's dance scene from Pulp Fiction, Quentin Tarantino put a .38 to his head and blew his brains out.

Best ofDrew
You-can-do-tha-robot-with-G-G. *pops and locks*

Best ofOccasional Reader
In today's financial news, "Emergency Eyewash Solutions, Inc." report that their first quarter 2006 sales increased by an astonishing 15,147%. "We owe it all to George", EES President Jack Vandelay cryptically remarked in a conference call with shareholders.

Igor Stravinsky's The Wrong of Spring

I may be in a leotard, and reeking of tranny love, but I still have my dignity.

Inspired by Lance Kates
'Ow to speak Moonbat: Foreplay

Best of lawhawk
You know what's bothering me? It isn't the coffee. It's Galloway galavanting in my kitchen. Does my kitchen have a sign saying Galloway galavanting in my kitchen Jules? Does it? No. It doesn't. Because Galloway galavanting isn't allowed in my kitchen. So if you have to call your people, do it.

Best of Submariner
GG - "When you attach the electrodes to your left nipple and right testicle, you'll get the sensation!"

It's raining has-beens! Hallelujah, it's raining has-beens...

Best of Mr. Right
"Oh, George! You put it on backwards! The hammer and sickle go in the front, don't they?"

Andrew Sullivan's new desktop wallpaper!

George Galloway caught in tryst with Marilyn Manson! Film at eleven!

Best of Rodney Dill
I told you your face would freeze like that if someone donkey punched you during a BJ.

Best of jeff
Forgetting to knock before entering, George and Pete stagger away from the shower room in shock, completely forgetting their own reasons for wanting to be alone in there.

Best of Shayne
In the final episode of "Desperate Housewives", Susan again has that weird dream where she and Mr. Carlson come out of the WKRP studio bathroom together. (LOL - V)

Best of Robert
Brokeback Aerobics Club

Best of Chip
One sign of the Apocalypse which made everyone feel better about the whole thing.

John Kerry, astronaut, suddenly looked like five Marines raising the flag on Suribachi.

Best of Cybrludite
The latest avant garde childrens show from KQED, public broadcasting for San Francicsco...

Note to self: Don't drink a liter & a half of absinthe before watching infomercials. This is getting too weird, even for me...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Suddenly, I sympathize with the town elders on Footloose who banned dancing.

Domo-arigato-mister-moonbatto. Domo (domo) Domo (domo)

Acting out his "Gumby & Pokey" fantasy left George with a ruptured rectum and a sizeable cleaning bill.

In Hell, the devil picks your parents.

Best of Van Helsing
Not what you want to be wearing when the Viagra kicks in.

Best of AM42
Ang Lee's remake of Tron is clear evidence that he's just "calling them in" these days.

Stolen from Moonbat Monitor with Occasional Reader acting as lookout and pushed to the front of the line.

And now for something slightly different

1. "I just cut one."

2. Sex and the way it was before science discovered nudity.

3. "And now class, as you can see, the penis is more or less fully erect."

4. "Oh, big deal, so the kid walked in on us. I'm sure it won't traumatize him, but just to be sure, I'll send him to herd sheep on Brokeback Mountain with those two cowboys. That should make a man out of him."

5. "When you wear corduroy, your entire body is ribbed for her pleasure." A message from the Corduroy Council.

6. "Well, if you weren't such an unfaithful ho, Mack Daddy wouldn'ta had to bash yo' face against the headboard, beeyotch."

7. "Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

8. "All right, bring in Hoss and Little Joe and let the bukkake begin!"

9. "The safety word is 'banana.'"

10. Frottage Fetishists of the O-o-o-o-l-d West.

Best of Submariner
Heath and Jake loved it when the girls left for a full day of shopping leaving them time to take turns playing dress-up as the "Ranch Biyotch."

"Why, why, why, Delilah?"

Oh, oh, oooh, crap! But don't you worry darlin, the "South will rise again."

Best of Rodney Dill
"That's sweet dear, but I'm still not telling you where I hid the remote."

"Oh Dear, I think I just Shat myself."

Best of The Man
Andrew Sullivan woke up from another one of his Anthony Franciosa dreams.

Best of Occasional Reader
"I do NOT look like Gene Wilder in 'Young Frankenstein'! SAY IT!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Heterosexual man and woman, speaking words of love to each other... It'd NEVER fly in today's Hollywood.

"Darling, I don't want to kill the mood, but you have a gi-normous nose-goblin hangin' there..."

Judith was so ashamed about what she had been doing with Bill, she killed herself with poison.
A week later, Bill was so ashamed about what he had been doing with Judith, he buried her.

Best of Rufus Leaking
"But it wouldn't be premarital sex - I have absolutely NO intention of marrying you."

Best of Drew
Rhett, hold up there. My chastity ring seems to be caught in your zipper.

Best of jeff
Julia Roberts, staring in a Gene Wilder fantasy...

Best of Cybrludite
I can see her laying back in a satin dress, in a room where you do what you don't confess...

Best of Van Helsing
"Oh Darling. I love how my left breast swells when you gouge your elbow into my right one."

It comes from Yarrrr

Sunday, January 22, 2006

There's Something About Mikulski

1. "No, Senator, your line is 'I'm melting...melting. What a world!' Jebus, the Scarecrow isn't the only one who could use a gawdamm brain around here."

2. "I know that your powers of retention, are as wet as a warthog's backside / But thick as you are, pay attention! / My words are a matter of pride / It's clear from your vacant expression / The lights are not all on upstairs..." (O.R.A.)

3. "Oh, sure, Senator Mikulski, we'll definitely post this pic on a Thursday... in Hell!!!!!"

4. At last. A pic of one of Prough's real girlfriends.

5. "So, are you a ... mountin' lion?" "Forget it, Mikulski... not even if Humungous loaned you his face mask."

6. When Sen. Mikulski was invited to lead a Pride March, she expected something totally different.

7. "Mikulski, but let me explain. When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so we are all connnected in the great Circle of Life. You, by the way, smell like antelope crap."

8. "I'm sorry Mrs Mikulski, you're not qualified to work at KMart, and you'll have to return the smock."

9. "Usually, we pick the dumbest and weakest of the herd to cull, but Senator Boxer was getting botox."

10. After wandering into the Plushie Convention, Senator Mikulski got beaucoup compliments on her walrus costume.

Best of Divine Miss M
Lions and tigers and dingbats, oh, my!

Best of Mo K
Heavens to Murgatroyd! They promised me Barney Fwank! Exit, stage right.

Best of Catbat
Even the ruler of the island of misfit toys had to politely decline her rent application.

Best of Rodney Dill
Brokeback Mountain Lion

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Shouldn't she be somewhere telling someone to "go into the light" or "this house is clean" or something?

Mikulski unveils the new Democrat mascot... A clawless, toothless, pussy.

Aren't we short a Wardrobe?

Best of Submariner
"Why yes, I was sodomized by a cougar last night. But to really fill a void in my life, I'd like to experience a really big cat; if you know what I mean..."

"Oh, big deal, so the kid walked in on us. I'm sure it won't traumatize him, but just to be sure, I'll send him to herd sheep on Brokeback Mountain with those two cowboys. That should make a man out of him."

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"What a hairy, smelly, foul-breathed creature! Don't you agree, Mr. Lion?"

Best of Mr. Right
Only afterward did Leo the MGM Lion learn that in her case, the MGM stood for "Mikulski Goes Moo!"

Best of Cybrludite
"Great, I only can pick-up one TV channel, and they're showing some Sid & Marty Kroft crapfest from the '70s..." - Lileks' personal vision of Hell

...and this is your brain on drugs. Any questions?

I got this on a tip, but sometimes people who submit don't want me to give their names, but You Know Who You Are!

Saturday, January 21, 2006

The Adventures of Rajeesh, The East Indian Fireman

1. "You mean I get to choose from whom to receive the lap dance. By Vishnu, this is a no-brainer."

2. The emergency room receptionists aren't buying Rajeesh's story of how it came to be stuck in the water bottle.

3. "Now, children, Rajeesh is going to read the story of Princess Clitoria and the Den of Unspeakable Pleasure.

4. "We'll be happy to take your big deposit Mr. Rajneesh, but there will be a substantial and naughty penalty for early withdrawal.

5. "Oh, so you just look like a Mexican. Well, in that case, welcome to First Security Bank, how can we help you? Gina, cancel the 911."

6. "Oh, and this must be the money from your casino. What do you mean 'not that kind of Indian?'"

7. "And then I finish you off with kind of a twisting motion, like this. So, what do you say? Shall I get the Jergen's lotion?"

8. "Sorry for the misunderstanding. Most of the time when a man in a fireman's outfit shows up, it's just a Strip-O-Gram."

9. "All right, ladies, I will put the donation water bottle up at the fire house. Now, may I extinguish the blazing inferno in the employee's lounge."

10. "Why do you find it so funny that I come from Bangalore?"

Best of Prough91
Get your hand off the end lady! I'm going to blow!

Is that a 5 gallon jug between your legs or are you just REALLY glad to see us?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Cheech Marin: Firefighter

Bruce Valanche finds himself in a charitable mood.

"How 'bout a nice cool drink from the thing between my legs?"

Best of Submariner
Fireman's thought bubble; "If she strokes the neck of that bottle one more time I'm getting the hell out of here!

Let's just say that I have a better "interest rate" with attractive chicks...

So, Mr. Rajneesh; I want to be a fireman too! Can you teach me to handle that hose?

Best of Cybrludite
Sooo, would either of you ladies care to discover how curry powder is similar to asparagus?

Best of CJ
"Let's have lunch. We can go to that new Deli. Oh! New Deli. I miss my home."

From the newspaper in my quiet, little pissant, redneck, podunk, jerk-water, green-horn, one-horse, crud-hole, right-wing, inbred, unkept, out-of-date, white-trash, kick-ass.. Midwest Toowwwwn!

P.S. Hi-diddly-ho to any HughHewitt-a-rinos who wandered over from Blogs4Bauer. Pretty shocking, isn't it?

Friday, January 20, 2006

Daddy, What Are Those Pandas Doing?

1. One STD test later, he found out why it was black and white and red all over.

2."Dammit, Ling-Ling, I wish I knew how to quit you!"

3. "Look, Billy. We got you that stuffed panda you wanted."

4. Just like a man; eats, shoots and leaves.

5. "This is not what I meant when I asked for two bears goin' at it doggie style!" Andrew Sullivan was very unhappy with his Christmas cards.

6. "... and technically, they're not even bears." He went on.

7. And then another panda appeared and it turned into the weirdest commercial for Oreos Double-Stuff ever.

8. *ORA* "Blood orgy! Blood orgy!"

9. The National Zoo Shows Off It's Proud New Exhibits: Sully-Sully and Takei-Takei.

10. And then Bill-Bill said, "You might want to put some ice on that."

Best of Submariner
Why do I hate them? Can't you see that they're white on the left side of their faces and I'm white on the right side?
>slap!< who's="" your="">

Best of Occasional Reader
I may be naked, and reeking of panda love, but I still have my dignity.

Best of Prough91
Do you know how hard it is to get it up when fifty guys with cameras are just waiting for you to get it on? Well, I guess Rodney Dill does.

Best of Rodney Dill
Something that size oughta beep when it backs up.

Best of ColoradoPatriot
Ling-Ling digs fat chicks.

All I can hear in my mind as I look at that picture is the tuba music that must have been playing as she was backing up.

Best of catbat
"Hm. what to make for dinner tonight? all we've got in the house is bamboo. i ought to do some tidying up, too. move the driftwood over there, tire swing over here... not that he'll ever notice. he didn't even say anything about my fur, and how long did i spend grooming today? hours! huh, i wonder if the vets'll be by to trim our nails soon. mine are getting long, and then they chip. and he could certainly use his teeth cleaned, too! and they wonder why i'm never in the mood. after this, i think i'll nap." et cetera.

Best of Cybrludite
However it all ended tragically when an 8 year old with a .243 capped both their asses.

Best of Van Helsing
"Honey, could you drop your shoulder a little? I can't see the TV."

Best of Racer Boy
"I'm Rick James, Bitch!"


Headbutting Euro-Thrillbabe

1. "When did my husband start taking vitamins A, Z, and T?"

2. "I can't believe it's almost a year later and I'm still finding bone fragments. Guess I taught that Natalee Holloway biyotch not to take the last frackin' Diet Pepsi."

3. "Mirror, Mirror, on the wall! Who's the hottest bitch of all? And before you answer, think about what happened to Mr. Sink."

Best of Cybrludite
Is this an asthma inhaler I see before me, the mouthpiece towards my hand? Come let me clutch thee... I have thee not, but I've smashed the $#!+ out of my sink trying...

Best of Prough91
Now, where did I leave the other half of that tampon?

Best of Submariner
Tampon or marshmallow? Guess it doesn't matter if I'm makin' S'mores...

4. An over-enthusiastic '24' fan suffers blunt force head trauma acting out the scene where Jean Smart's character is introduced.

5. "Now Do you people know what a gawdamm diva is! Or do I have to smash another sink to make my gawdamm point? Now, bring me my gawdamm pistachios!"

6. "And this is what heroin does to your toothbrush! And your shampoo! And your bathroom sink! And your grout!" The sequel was much less effective than the original anti-drug commercial.

7. "Oh, never mind. Both contacts were just in the same tub. I'm good, now."

8. "Sorry about the sink, I just get so frustrated when he puts in more than one picture per thread!"

9. Another sink collapses under the weight of Courtney Love's cocaine.

10. "EPT is Not 100% Accurate? Now, you frackin' tell me!"

Best of lawhawk
Morpheus had nothing on this chick. She didn't just break the sink with her head. She ate the sink.

Best of Submariner
Stephanie was later treated for nasal lacerations from trying to snort the "big chunks."


Note to self: don't ever startle a New York City 'roach with the bathroom light!

Best of Rodney Dill
If Kobe does throw the ball, you dang well better catch it.

Best of Prough91
Well, that isn't where I left my crack.

Read the story. This is pretty cool.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

A Reasonable Man, Open to Negotiation

1. Andrew Sullivan simply loved his new lawn service.

2. "Awwwright! I just got a teaching job in Massachusetts!"

3. Mad Max 4: Brokeback Warrior: "Dammit, Humongous, I wish I knew how to quit you!"

4. "Well, goodbye mom. My date's here. Don't wait up!"

5. After one weekend with Andrew Sullivan and Barney Frank at the Kennedy Compound, Humungous retreated to the Outback. "It was just too scary," he recalls now. Later, he converted to Christianity and opened a chain of men's business casual clothing stores.

6. Another Democrat witness shows up to testify at the Alito confirmation hearings.

Best of Cybrludite
Just walk away from Iraq & Afghanistan. Just walk away, and I'll offer you a long term truce!

Chief Wiggles takes the "Max Max" approach to armoring Army supply vehicles a step too far.

Best of Submariner
I'll take "Andrew Sullivan's Daydreams" for $200, Alex.

So, there I was at the Blue Oyster, and Andrew F'n Sullivan walks up and asks; "May I push in your stool, dood?" So I backs into him like this...

Best of lawhawk
Damn it Ted, we told you not to go out like that in winter. You might catch a cold!

Bring out the Gimp.

John Kerry's latest version of events in Vietnam were suspiciously like Pulp Fiction's scene in the basement with Maynard, Zed, and the Gimp.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"You can't even take a shower... with a beautiful woman... without taking off your clothes!..."

"Honey?... Babysitter's here."

Best of bad-d-d-dude
No need to call Homeland Security, officer, that's just Barney Franks' limo driver signaling that he's here to pick him up.

Best of Whoopsie-Daisey
Look Mr. Sullivan, it's like this; you don't ask how I "make 'em in this heat" and I'll keep bringing you your "Java-topped Spermcicles."

Best of sonicfrog
Hrrmmmph.... Hhrrrmmmmph.... Damn It! I just can't get this fart to come out...

All right, Mr DeMiller, I'm ready for my close-up...

OK Max. I Dare You! No... I Double-Dog Dare you to drive that tanker!!

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"And now, VH1's Behind the Music looks at the tragic life of Rex, the rejected wannabe star of the Village People!"

Best of Rodney Dill
Assey Ferguson 2006 Farm Equipment Calendar.
Dubya finally finds too late the Weapon of Masked Destruction

Best of catbat
Two cowboys enter! only pudding leaves!

Props: Ace

Smelly Pirate Hookers Run Amok In Tampa

1. Playmateys

2. Now we know why the song is "Yo-Ho-Ho, and a bottle of rum."

3. "Thar she blows! Nope, she's done."

4. "The professor would rather look at a sea turtle than Ginger and Mary Ann's hooters? FAG!"

5. "In an emergency, Ginger's diaphragm doubles as a life preserver."

6. "My god! It's full of hookers."

7. "It's not a big ship, but we've always got room for more seaman."

8. "No, the Genghis Khan fantasy suite is over there, but feel free to ravish us on your way out."

9. "Check out the Gay p0rn cruise. They're shooting The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald and the Gerald Fitzedmund."

10. "I'm gonna take these SPH's down below and shove my mast into their poopdecks. I guess you could call me a rear admiral..."

Best of Submariner
Chiang, run Dr. Phil off that plank.

Thank goodness! Here comes the dwarf with the camel. We should be able to begin filming momentarily...

Crap. A parade of spermies be blocking this route.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island!"

I had your site blogrolled for a while, but I'm taking you off because I don't appreciate your trying to squeeze humor out of offensive stereotypes about coolies, fancy-boys, and whores.

"Over there... Be that a bloated senator in an Oldsmobile?"

"There!... The fabled Island of Siliconia!"

Best of The Man
1539 - Hernando De Soto explored Florida and her friend Ambrosia.

Best of Van Helsing
"Where? All I see is a couple of sea ho's!"

Best of sonicfrog
What's this? The Poison Reunion tour???

Best of Rodney Dill
"Thar she blows, the Great White Whale" "Naw thats just Ted Kennedy farting in the wading pool."

Best of Prough91
(Stealing my own) You must be this tall to ride the pirate hooker.

Best of Cybrludite
What double entendres in the song Cardiff Rose?

Best of Cybrludite
"I am the very model of a trendy faux bisexual/I dress in black to show that I'm a tortured intellectual/My piercings have gone septic but at least I'm not respectable/I think that labels stink and that Nutella is delectable ..."

Best of Rufus Leaking
Pinafore! Pinafore! What DID I sign up for?

Tampa Bay Times on a tip from the Divine Miss M

Haven't You Guys Ever Read Matthew 5:27?

1. "You take dark chocolate, you mix it with white milk, and it becomes a delicious drink." --- New Orleans Mayor Ray "Willy Wonka" Nagin

2. Next event: The 200 meter breast-stroking.

3. "Senator Clinton, why do you get that dreamy, faraway look in your eye when Kennedy talks about 'waterboarding?'"

4. Suddenly, synchronized swimming... not so annoying.

5. Spike Lee's New Joint: Jungle Fever 2, a naive intern meets Ted Kennedy and a tragic ending.

6. "Oh, Xena, why do we have to be enemies?"

7. The Odyssey: Penthouse Edition: Odysseus and his crew are nearly lured to their deaths by the hot lezbo action of Circe and Calypso.

8. Justice League #457: Wonder Woman and Vixen get to know each other while Aquaman giggidies himself.

9. It got even better a few minutes later when they started "bottom-feeding."

10. Next on National Geographic Explorer, Philippe Cousteau searches for the elusive bearded clam.

Best of Submariner
Da-a-mn, Vixen! When I make you wet...

Once she had her legs, and what came with them, Ariel discovered that she wasn't nearly as interested in finding Prince Eric.

Tamika will be ok. She just landed on a 14" sea cucmber when she cannon-balled and it took us over 20 minutes to extract it. (Fought us the whole way, she did...)

Best of Rodney Dill
Brokeback Fountain - an expose on the scandalous world of women's synchronized swimming.

"C'mon you said you'd hold me up to the water jets next."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I don't care what my little CPR class taught me... I'm switching to this chick's method.

Hmmmm... I guess being "Submariner" has it's advantages here. ;)

Best of Cybrludite
Forget Matthew 5:27, I want Marley 4:20!

Found on Knowledge Is Power. Diva-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Monkey Time

1. Swamped at work and at home, V the K outsources Best of selection responsibilities to SOTG, Submariner, and Prough.

2. Curious George goes Brokeback.

3. k.d. lang, Melissa Etheridge, and Justin Timberlake didn't mind the side effects of the hormones, so long as they could reach the baritone notes they had always dreamed of.

4. "Don't waste your time. Dr. Zaius just comes here for the lap dances."

5. The center monkey went nuts at a White House and threw feces at President Bush. Two weeks later, he was elected Chairman of the DNC.

6. "Then I saw her face/Now I'm a believer..."

7. While visiting Heritage USA, don't miss out on the Zoo, featuring the Tammy Faye Bakker Primate House.

8. The world and the way it would be if Jane Goodall had studied cosmetology instead of Anthropology.

9. "When did Helen Thomas get a makeover? And who are those other chicks?"

10. The atmosphere at the Mary K Cosmetics testing lab is surprisingly festive.

Best of Rufus Leaking
One look and you realize why Michael Nesmith refuses to tour with them. .

Best of Mr. Right
"Another postcard with chimpanzees/ And every one is addressed to me..."

"...Come, Mister tally man, tally me banana..." "Daylight come and Bush is Hit-ler..." - V

Oh, look! The Dixie Chicks are back!

Best of Prough91
Time has not done right by the supremes.

Although huge in the eighties, SOTG and Submariner ended up waiting on tables after Prough91 left the group.

V the K's last three girlfriends perform the theme song from "B.J. and the Bear".

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Chimpanzee DNA matches human DNA approximately 98%... and I'm 98% sure I dated the chick in the middle.

Bi-curious George

I haven't heard such wailing of hairy banshees since I accidently channel surfed to The View by mistake.

Those "ooo-ooo-ooo" noises you get when you call those 976 lines?... Not always ladies.

Best of Submariner
Roddy McDowell, Kim Hunter and Lou Wagner "get down" with their rendition of Yellow Bird, Up High In Banana Tree.

Pelosi, Boxer and Mikulski had a successful little gig on the side, until their discussion of "Who's the Boss" devolved into "So which of us IS the leader" that one fateful night.

The Capital Hill softball game between the "DNC Picketers" and the "RNC Fatcats" began with a rousing chorus of The Star Spangled Banana by Laura Ingraham's famous "Butt Monkey Trio."

Best of lawhawk
Hillary, Teddy, and Joe were the life of the party once they started with the karaoke.

This is what happens when you leave Stewie alone in the house with Brian. And a pack of deranged monkeys.

Best of Van Helsing
"Allll we are saaaay-iing is, give peace a chaaaaaance..."

From Knowledge Am Power.

Small Furry Captions For a Small Blurry Photo

1. Seeing that Gore is open, Kobe passes him a white hot ball of fused hydrogen.

2. "Dammit, Tink! It was a one-night stand. Get over it."

3. Gore's acid flashbacks have become so vivid they are now visible to outsiders.

4. Goru-kan unleashes a massive ball of white-fire-breath. "Your soul is mine... Fatality!"

5. "And I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I... Will Always... Love You-ou-ou-ou!"

6. "Dammit, Energy Being, I wish I knew how to quit you!"

7. Sensing that this Redeemer is a complete retard, the Oracle decides to fire up Halo just for the Hell of it. --- ORA---

8. "Brains! Brains!"

9. In a misguided MLK-day tribute, Al Gore does Al Jolson.

10. "Walk into the light! For the love of God, Walk into the light!"

Best of [Curious Onlurker]
"You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain/ Too much of love drives a man insane/ You broke my will, but what a thrill/ Goodness gracious great balls of fire..."

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"Get in mah belly!", screamed Gore as he tried to catch the firefly.

Best of Submariner
"I've got the whole world, in my hands... come on, sing along, what are you people, uptight or something..."

Arioch! Arioch! Blood and souls for my lord Arioch!
Louis, upset that he was no longer the only complete wacko trying to drum up a national audience, orders the mother ship to take out Al with a personal-sized photon torpedo.

Sauron looks in to see how Al's doing.

Best of Chevy Rose
The Internet Isn't The Only Invention Gore Takes Credit --"LET THERE BE LIGHT!"

Best of Divine Miss M
"Are you a good witch or a bad witch?"

Lastday. Carousel begins.

Best of jeff
To dreeeam...the impossible dreeam....!

Best of Mo K
"These hands have been touched by God!" (cue "Young Frankenstein" music)

Best of Van Helsing
Gore demonstrates how he caught the winning touchdown in Superbowl I, which remarkably occurred on the same day Prince Albert invented Penicillin.

Best of Occasional Reader
"NO, malevolent energy being, I will NOT engage in swordfighting with the Klingons! Instead, I laugh at you, hohoho!"

"That's where I saw the leprechaun! He told me to join the Angry Left."

Best of Anonymous
"And on the eighth day, I said 'Let there be LIGHT!' This was after I invented the internet."

Best of Rodney Dill
"I'll KILL da Wabbit!"

Best of Mr. Right
In a futile effort to get even with the world for denying him his Presidency, Al Gore's giant ego attempts to blow out the sun.

One moment later, a loud "smack" was heard, Tinkerbell was gone, and Al Gore found himself banned from Disney World for life.

Neil Boortz on a tip from submariner.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Fatwah This Ya Crazy Bastitch

1. This is, like, way less impressive without the dummie.

2. "This tastes like goat piss... really, really good goat piss."

3. "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking."

4. "Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!"

Cybrludite: Achmed was a chemist. Achmed is no more. What Achmed thought was H-two-O, was H-2-S-O-four!

Submariner: After I clear my palate I will regale you with my version of Climb Every Mountain.

lawhawk: The hills are alive... with the sound of Ahmadinejad drinking hydrocloric acid...

lawhawk: Live, from Tehran, it's Chevy Chase doing his favorite spittakes.

5. "Plotting to exterminate the Jewish Race. It's my anti-drug!"

6. "Look at the size of these nostrils. Do you really think one finger is enough?"

7. "This is sign language for 'Crazy bastard want him some nukes!'"

8. "You mean the whole time I drank that water my pinkie was extended like a limp-wristed sissy-boy?"

9. "Me? Flaccid?"

Cybrludite: "I will give you best deal on a used car or my name isn't completely unpronounceable!"

Submariner: I'd like to talk with you about constipation...

Rodney Dill: "Ack! Ack! Kafur Ball, Sorry."

lawhawk: I'm Chiggy von Richtoven and I'm going to destroy all of you.

Submariner: "What are we going to do now?" The same thing we do every day, Fidel. Try to take over the world!

Occasional Reader: "Why, yes, it IS a 'Members Only' jacket. Thank you for noticing."

Occasional Reader: "Wonderful, the backdrop is ready. Now, you will all wait here, while I change into my Julie Andrews 'Sound of Music' costume, yes?"

10. "The Final Jeopardy answer was 'pubic mound'. How much did you wager... Oooooooh, I'm sorry ..."

11. "Damn it, John Stamos, I wish I knew how to quit you!"

12. "All right, who threw that spitball?"

Submariner: Oh Mango! I want you; be mine alone!

Submariner: David Heddison gives an emotional press conference after the Time Tunnel collapses, killing 3 crewmen.

Rodney Dill: "I told Kobe I was open, but I wasn't."

Occasional Reader: "Was I denying the Holocaust AGAIN?! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!" [pounding head]

Yes! Dammit, yes... I did have an affair with "Ahab, the Arab; sheik of the burning sand."

AssPress Photos/Hasan Sarbakhshian via Yahoo News by numerous requests.

Dodd, Where's My Car

1. "What the hell happened to me last night. The last thing I remember, Uncle Ted was fixin' up some of his 'special cocktails' and I woke up wearing Barney Frank's underwear with a twenty dollar bill on my pillow and my ass feels like I just crapped out a few dozen Taco Bell habenero fajitas!"

2. "For the last time Mr. Yale D Student, My name is not Mr Dood!"

3. "Dammit, John, I wish I knew how to quit you!"

4. "So, Mr. Dood, you ready for another day of ineffectual tantrum-throwing while history passes us by?"

5. "Oh, get over, it Mr. Dood. She was just a stripper, she didn't have a family, and Uncle Ted took care of the body. You're clear."

6. "The truth is, John, I have no idea how I ended up naked on the Lincoln Memorial."

7. "I don't know how they do it. The booze, the drugs, the hookers, the Satanic bloody orgy, the lesbian dwarves, the goat races. Kennedy looks fresh as a daisy and McCain doesn't have a hair out of place."

8. I really wanted to do a Goofus and Gallant caption, but I'm kind of short on Gallants.

9. "Dood, would you stop with the choking noises and help me out here. I need a six letter word for 'kept man.'"

10. "Well, if you're just going to sit there and fake a heart attack, then I won't let you be my running mate in 2008."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Before he could identify the antichrist within the realm of the Democratic party, Mr.Dodd is speared with a red pitchfork, seemingly from nowhere.

Mr.Dodd attempts to focus his gaze elsewhere as Kerry blows his wad under the table.

Dodd is odd, but Kerry is scary.

Best of Submariner
Holy crap, John! Did your cook serve frijoles AGAIN?

Calgon; take me away!

Have you seen this list of witnesses against Alito? Smelly pirate hooker, Tin foil hat maker, Inflated scrotum guy from Berkeley.. Good Group.

Best of Cybrludite
Dodd: Ok, no more cabbage & black-eyed peas for Kennedy, even if it is New Years!

Best of Rodney Dill
Insta-poll: Sucks vs. Blows. You decide.

As Sen. Kerry reveals his sith name as Darth eVaider, Dodd ponders -- "Darn all the good sith names are taken, I guess I am stuck with Darth Doody."

Best of ColoradoPatriot
American Idol just isn't the same without Simon.

Dodd and Dodderer

Best of Robert
Dodd and Kerry adopt a new, more mature strategy for dealing with the Bush Administration. They're going to hold their breath until the President withdraws the troops.

Best of Shayne
"I'm sorry, John. I really thought I could pull out in time."

Best of lawhawk
Couldn't keep up with Teddy, could you? Naw, me neither.

Best of Occasional Reader
"Hey, Mr. War Hero, you can hold your breath all you want, it's still right here in Robert's Rules of Order: 'Whoever denied it, supplied it'."

Fairly used from the WaPo's Best of 2005 Series

Monday, January 16, 2006

The Rainbow Connection

1. "I didn't really believe he was going to shove the rainbow flag there, but here we are."

2. "Really guys, I'm HIV negative," Pinocchio always regretted not coming out when he was younger.

3. Greg Louganis loves it when you stomp on his head.

4. "Greg, if you want to look up our kilts, just ask."

5. "'Upside-down you're turnin' me'-- Oh, I simply adore Diana Ross.'"

6. "I also simply adore the avant garde drinking fountains Gavin Newsom had installed."

7. "Really? You can use saline to inflate the size of your nose, too?"

8. "Nothing personal, Greg's just trying to protect his cocaine."

9. "Please may I do a handstand and lick your rear tire sir!"

10. "Jeffrey Dahmer had a garage sale."

Best of AM42
"Damn, Greg... I see you got yourself a nice piece of ass."

Weekend at Sullivan's

Best of Rufus Leaking
I claim this territory in the name of the QUEEN!

"And this is the flag of Uranus!"

Best of Rodney Dill
"You wouldn't have happened to see my little dog and pet monkey would you?"

Best of Submariner
Yeah, you never know when you'll hit a slow scene at the Blue Oyster, so I carry a spare.

Superman decides to come out in 'Frisco, but "augers in" when he fails to use his air brakes in time.

Best of Prough91
Greg was so embarrassed when he discovered his rainbow maxi was showing.

Best of sonicfrog
There was a rustling, that seemed like a bustling/Of merry crowds justling at pitching and hustling/And the Gay Pied Piper then readies his ride/To lead them into his wondrous portal opened wide!

Hat Tip: Frank IBC (Yeah, I know it's a mannequin)

Not That There's Anything Wong With That

1. Using the lesbian PDA as a distraction, the alien blur monster prepares to suck the soul of another victim.

2. China's One Child Policy meets Massachusetts's Two Mommies Policy.

3. "Sorry, Xhiao, if I had known that this is what Ming meant, I never would have agreed to the swap."

4. "Well, we do all kind of look alike so, on a certain level, it is like she's making out with you."

5. "They're just trying to distract the tank drivers. Go ahead and crush the protesters."

6. "In Holland, you can become a folk-hero by sticking your finger into one of those... or so I am made to understand."

7. After seeing what happened when Howard Stern was broadcast in China, the authorities cancelled Michael Jackson's concert tour.

8. "They must be sharing some really excellent gum."

9. Communism. Lesbianism. CourtTV Witness Identity Blurs. I love these random glimpses into Hillary's subconscious.

10. "Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... Oh, God, Did I say that out loud?"

Best of Rufus Leaking
Siamese twins were joined at the epiglottis, making a normal life impossible. . .

Cho, did she say 'Simon Sez' first or not?

Best of Rodney Dill
"In an hour they'll just be hungry for more sushi."

Mao Tse Tongue

Best of Van Helsing
Under communism, citizens sometimes have to supplement their diets by falling back on fresh tongue.

Best of AM42
Yeah Xhiao, I know they're not all that hot, but I'm imagining they're Kim Bauer & Michelle Dessler. (She's dead, you sicko - V)

Yeah Xhiao, I think it's a little weird that you're pretending they're Chloe O'Brian and Martha Logan.

Best of Prough91
Come on, let's just try it. It looks like fun.

And that Xiang, is why we kill them at birth.

Best of Cybrludite
Aw, crap. As if there wasn't enough of a shortage of girls with this one child nonsense. We better invade Taiwan soon. My eyeballs are turning white from the buildup...

Mao is thinking, "I'd hit it! Giggity, giggity!"

Best of Submariner
Li and Kim posed a quandry for the Chinese Reproduction Bureau - Do we give each woman a permit for one child, or do we give the couple one permit for a child. They resolved the conundrum by killing both.

Peking Demonstration: "Ming Li has two mommies!">crack!< thud="" "no="" longer."="">

Hat Tip to Citizen Grim

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Wholesome Americana Weekend May Be Delayed in Your Area Due to Cable Outage

1. "Considering I'm into my seventh month carrying your demon-spawn, I'd plan on buying about 6,000 boxes of Cartwheels if I were you."

2. "Okay, now that we've done the Menage-a-Girl-Scout fantasy, it's our turn. Put on the plushie bulldog suit."

3. "Oh, I don't know if I should, girls. You know what they say, a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips!" Parents felt safe leaving their girls with Mr. Butterman, but only their girls.

4. "Real frackin' hilarious filling the prop-bag with dog-shite. I swear to God, I'm going to break into your homes and smash your freakin' skulls with an axe-handle."

5. "Yeah, that 'Do you have Oreos?' joke just gets funnier every year, Mr. Mayor. However, I think it lacks the ironic edge of my annual joke of pissing on your 'Thanks-a-lots.'"

6. "I never thought about it that way, but you are right. Our logo really is deeply lesbionic."

7. "Hurry up and take the damn picture! My contractions are starting!"

8. "Get out of my gawdamm light! Where are my gawdamm Pecan Sandies! I will scratch your gawdamm eyes out." Lindsey was well on her way to earning her 'Diva' merit badge.

9. "No, I was never in Girl Scouts, but I once ate a Brownie."

10. "Oh, sure, when you need to sell a few more boxes of Thin Mints and Peanut Butter Patties it's all giggles and flirtatious glances and 'who cares about restraining orders...'"

From the home of the shiny green suit.