1. "Continuing our Fire Island tour, over there is the restroom where Gerry Studds felched his first page."
2. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck enjoy a private beach vacation, Brokeback style.
3. "Don't worry about ditching your wife and kids to run off with me this Christmas. I'm sure they'll turn out just fine, Mr. Dahmer."
4. In today's ironic news, a tanker carrying 50,000 gallons of KY jelly broke apart off Fire Island.
5. Bruce loved Christmas at the beach, where he could wear an outfit that hid all the ravages of AIDS without arousing suspicion.