Saturday, November 11, 2006

100% Pure Nightmare Fuel

1. Missouri would come to regret passing that cloning amendment.

2. America, and what it would look like if we shared a border with the Black Forest instead of Mexico.

3. Travelocity was eventually driven to bankruptcy by the cost of the Roaming Gnome's paternity suits.

4. Long lines outside Democrat voting precincts --- and the timidity of election officials to challenge voting credentials --- were a major factor in some districts Tuesday night.

5. Reasons V the K is single: Because this scene, a twelve pack, and a case of shotgun shells is his recipe for a great first date.

Best of attmay
Sometime in the 1930s: Walt Disney felt bad about the fact that he had to turn down all but 7 of these guys for his movie.

Best of Submariner
"Hi, ho'. Get me off and to work I'll go." Walt just HAD to come up with a way to sanitize the dwarf's theme song for the 40's audience...

OK, we bought the nucs from l'il Kim, now where is that Smurf village?

Best of Van Helsing
Scary — for a moment I thought the election had resulted in Washington being invaded by an army of Robert Reichs.

Best of Silhouette
The dream I have after mixing Pixie Stix with brownies, and washing it all down with Sprite.

I do NOT want to know what the third gnome from the left is doing.

Best of Jay O'Mandermann
"Oh, de Smurftown ladies smurf dis song, doo-dah, doo-dah..."

Best of Silhouette
The same guy who did the chicken wire and kerosene experiment "proves" Bush was responsible for the Bataan Death March.

Best of I'm ashamed to say
Pot of Gold? Do I look like a mother f@*#*$& leprechaun?

Best of prince of leaves
Overwhelmed by the crop and forest damage caused by the proliferation of the imported species, the state legislature saw no alternative but to open a no-limit bludgeoning season on Bavarian Gnomes.

"So, Mark...we hear you have a thing for little guys..."

Moments later, a formation of A-10s flew over, reducing the procession to a strip of steaming carnage which would become known as "The Forest Path of Death".

Best of What, me worry?
A dark and unknown chapter of the Snow White story has it that between the time she went comatose and was later awaken by the prince’s kiss, Doc and Dopey offered her to the other nearby horny dwarfs for diamonds and gold nuggets.

Best of Rodney Dill

Hi Ho Hi Ho, my hats a red dildo.


Best of Anonymous
No sport in the history of humankind has ever exploded more quickly than "Dwarves pulling planes."

Best of curly
"We're here to do the work that the Elves won't do."

Best of The Man
Democrats 3-step plan for Iraq. Redeploy troops to Japan, airdrop garden gnomes, blame Bush.

Best of Submariner
Teddy mused; "I know they aren't really there - just the effects of too much Irish whiskey over the decades - but aren't they cute l'il buggers?"

Best of The Man
Behold, the inside of Andrew Sullivan's flat rotting colon.



DeR Speigel

44 comments:

attmay said...

Sometime in the 1930s: Walt Disney felt bad about the fact that he had to turn down all but 7 of these guys for his movie.

attmay said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Rodney Dill said...

"Yea, we're looking for one of our kind, by the name of Donald Rumsfeld, gnome?"

Submariner said...

"Hi, ho'. Get me off and to work I'll go."
Walt just HAD to come up with a way to sanitize the dwarf's theme song for the 40's audience...

Submariner said...

OK, we bought the nucs from l'il Kim, now where is that Smurf village?

Van Helsing said...

Scary — for a moment I thought the election had resulted in Washington being invaded by an army of Robert Reichs.

Silhouette said...

Collegiate readers of Chomsky eventually had their own Million Man March.

Silhouette said...

After the ACLU finally succeeded in outlawing Christmas, the line outside the Unemployment Office had a new demographic.

Silhouette said...

The dream I have after mixing Pixie Stix with brownies, and washing it all down with Sprite.

Silhouette said...

I do NOT want to know what the third gnome from the left is doing.

Jay O'Mandermann said...

"Oh, de Smurftown ladies smurf dis song, doo-dah, doo-dah..."

The degrading "pinkface" minstrel shows were an ugly cultural legacy that many in the village would've just as soon left behind.

Silhouette said...

The same guy who did the chicken wire and kerosene experiment "proves" Bush was responsible for the Bataan Death March.

I'm ashamed to say said...

Pot of Gold? Do I look like a mother f@*#*$& leprechaun?

lawhawk said...

Snow White was a wee bit overwhelmed at the attention.

Hi ho, hi ho, we're off to Gitmo we go...

prince of leaves said...

Overwhelmed by the crop and forest damage caused by the proliferation of the imported species, the state legislature saw no alternative but to open a no-limit bludgeoning season on Bavarian Gnomes.

prince of leaves said...

The hobbits next door were about to discover that, once provoked, there was no stopping the smiling genocidal fury of the Bavarian garden gnomes.

prince of leaves said...

"So, Mark...we hear you have a thing for little guys..."

prince of leaves said...

Andrew Sullivan was delighted to discover that his new friends weren't wearing hats at all.

prince of leaves said...

Moments later, a formation of A-10s flew over, reducing the procession to a strip of steaming carnage which would become known as "The Forest Path of Death".

What, me worry? said...

A dark and unknown chapter of the Snow White story has it that between the time she went comatose and was later awaken by the prince’s kiss, Doc and Dopey offered her to the other nearby horny dwarfs for diamonds and gold nuggets.

What, me worry? said...

“Ho ho ho!” The great mob boss Jolly Green Giant requires that all of his pimps to line up every morning to give a status on how much his ‘dwarf girls’ brought in on the preceding night.

“The end of Jesse Jackson’s Rainbow Coalition? We wish we knew!”

What, me worry? said...

“You’re looking for Lucky Charms? These damn cell phones! We heard ‘funky bearded cherubs’ and thought this was a solicitation from Michael Jackson for a midget orgy.”

sonicfrog said...

Nightmare my ass!!! Don't you see!!! They're sooo ready to work. You can see it in their eyes! This is the ultimate solution to the illegal alien problem. We get cheap labor and don't have to hire those darned illegals anymore, so they'll be unemployed and go back to Mexico where they belong!

Rodney Dill said...

Walt just HAD to come up with a way to sanitize the dwarf's theme song for the 40's audience...

I like one of the subsequent versions better...

Hi Hi, my hats a red dildo.

Rodney Dill said...

shoulda been


Hi Ho Hi Ho, my hats a red dildo.


(no I don't know what happened to the Ho either)

Submariner said...

Melon, the only black gnome, couldn't get the words down and kept singing "hidy, hidy, hidy ho?"

Submariner said...

I talked to Doc about our "condition." He said that once Snow White left us, they'd lose the red color and the swelling should go down...

Anonymous said...

No sport in the history of humankind has ever exploded more quickly than "Dwarves pulling planes."

Anonymous said...

"Excuse me, is this were the gang bang is?"

curly said...

"We're here to do the work that the Elves won't do."

The Man said...

Democrats 3-step plan for Iraq. Redeploy troops to Japan, airdrop garden gnomes, blame Bush.

Submariner said...

Teddy mused; "I know they aren't really there - just the effects of too much Irish whiskey over the decades - but aren't they cute l'il buggers?"

Submariner said...

Apparently cockroaches and twinkies aren't the ONLY thing that is going to survive "nuclear winter"...

Submariner said...

Paul Williams just didn't get it - what was the point of "Eight is Enough?"

Submariner said...

DRUDGEBREAKING...
A que of short, single-named, miners developed immediately outside the Bavarian Embassy on Wednesday, Nov 8th. Said one of them; "We're all pretty sure that the 'guest worker' program will now get passed and we don't want to be left behind when others start scarfing up US dollars."
Developing...

The Man said...

Behold, the inside of Andrew Sullivan's colon.

divine miss m said...

There are no straight gnomes in South Beach.

Cybrludite said...

Gunner, Beehive, Gnomes!
On the way, sir! >BLAM!<

Submariner said...

TV Guide doesn't give the new reality series, "Miami Shrink" much chance of developing an audience...

Submariner said...

The other gnomes froze in fear when Humpy reported he'd seen SOTG chuckling evilly while unloading cases of both M-80's and vaseline out of the back seat...

MP Martin said...

Which way to Megiddo? We hear there's a big battle a brewin!

MP Martin said...

Somewhere in cyberspace, denizens of World Of Warcraft voted in a Gnomicratic majority in the House of Gingerbread, then gathered together an army to do battle with the terrible Bush Dragon, right before I unplugged the modem to call my bank.

MP Martin said...

Watch this... whenever V the K posts a "real" hot babe, their hats hang limp again. Queer, isn't it?

MP Martin said...

In the final draft, Tolkien wrote out the army of Garden Gnomes from the Battle of Seven Armies because they were just too cheerful.