Saturday, September 23, 2006

Murricanna


1. Richard Gere teaches Sex Ed.

2. "Now, if you lick the backs of one of these, you'll see beautiful colors and shapes and believe that John Kerry was a War Hero and Bush bombed the WTC."

3. "... and that's when I got an NEA grant for sculpting my collected loogies into animals."

4. The girls were stupid enough to believe if they kissed it, it would turn into a prince. The boys were stupid enough to believe if it bit them, they'd get superpowers. Either way, Doug loved his job.

5. Molly and Emily were so mesmerized by Doug's dicussion of toad reproduction they failed to notice the chilatenous pincers fixin' to drag them down into Hell.

6. "Now, if you're ever out in the wilderness and needin' protein..."

7. "Supple skin, good color. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've found our 'Best In Show'."

8. "Now, what say we go back to the blender in my office and give Mr. Toad a Wild Ride?"

9. "By the way, girls, Mr. Toad isn't the only one who appreciates a 'wild ride' if you get my drift."

10. "Toady here isn't gonna cut it. Our Dark Master requires a Grand Sacrifice if the Dems are to retake the Senate. I trust all of you girls are virgins?"

Best of prince of leaves
"Jimmy here was born with an extra hind leg sticking out of his butt, all because the hormones from your mommy's birth control pills eventually find their way into the pristine natural environment..."

"And this here is a toadalope tadpole...someday, this little guy will be the size of a Mini Cooper and sport fierce, sharp antlers like those you see here..."

"If you dry this guy out and grind a little of him in to a woman's morning coffee every day for a month, she'll hyperovulate and produce seven babies at the same time, all daughters. But of course, I'm sure your dad here knows all about that..."

Best of David
The little blue port-a-potty bided his time, waiting until the notion of riffing on minor background details lost it's novelty appeal.

Jim's poo humor left something to be desired. Like a setup, a punchline, or in fact anything at all except for the all important prop.

Best of Curly
“Welcome to today’s lecture on Sexuality in Nature. This week we learn that amphibians can be asexual as well as male or female…and there’s nothing wrong with that!”

Best of What, me worry?
“No Sally, warts don’t come from toads. Carl Rove created warts to drive up the profits of the pharmaceutical industry; who, along with the oil industry, have the Bush administration in their collective back pockets.”

“Yes Joey, the French are sometimes derogatorily referred to as ‘frogs’ and the French are indeed unabashedly anti-American despite the fact that we saved their butts from the Germans twice in the last century. However, I don’t necessarily think that means we should squish poor Kermit here with a big rock.”

Best of Submariner
So you see how narrow his body is? Next I'll show you a neat trick on how to make him wider than a minivan's rear tire...

Best of sonicfrog
The previews to the new Indiana Jones movie just don't look all that exciting...

From the paper in my humble hometown, which had a shotgun murder-suicide last week.

18 comments:

prince of leaves said...

"That's right, Missy, it's a Mugwump! And does anyone here know what we get from Mugwumps...?"

prince of leaves said...

"Jimmy here was born with an extra hind leg sticking out of his butt, all because the hormones from your mommy's birth control pills eventually find their way into the pristine natural environment..."

prince of leaves said...

"And this here is a toadalope tadpole...someday, this little guy will be the size of a Mini Cooper and sport fierce, sharp antlers like those you see here..."

prince of leaves said...

"If you dry this guy out and grind a little of him in to a woman's morning coffee every day for a month, she'll hyperovulate and produce seven babies at the same time, all daughters. But of course, I'm sure your dad here knows all about that..."

David said...

The little blue port-a-potty bided his time, waiting until the notion of riffing on minor background details lost it's novelty appeal.

Jim's poo humor left something to be desired. Like a setup, a punchline, or in fact anything at all except for the all important prop.

prince of leaves said...

Nature field-trip day in the Village of the Damned.

Van Helsing said...

"We forgot to bring tennis balls? Not to worry, we can improvise."

Submariner said...

"... but because Chimpy McBusHitler illeagally invaded Iraq, global warming is on the rise and this is the only toad left in the state of Washington..."

Curly said...

“Metaphorically speaking: Bushitler would be the frog that needs a kiss from a Princess – in this case, a Democratically-controlled Congress with Representative Nancy Pelosi as the Speaker of the House – to kiss him, or enact people-centric legislation. This would transform Bushitler into a Prince and get the country out of the right-wing swamp that we find ourselves in”.

“No Johnny, that’s not a frog in my pocket – the frog’s right here. But I am glad to see such a bright young boy here today”.

“Welcome to today’s lecture on Sexuality in Nature. This week we learn that amphibians can be asexual as well as male or female…and there’s nothing wrong with that!”

Anonymous said...

Yes, honey, it's that mean old toad that scared you sooooo bad. Look what happens to Mr. Ugly Toad when Daddy claps his hands. See, Ugly Toad is now Flat Toad.

What, me worry? said...

“No Sally, warts don’t come from toads. Carl Rove created warts to drive up the profits of the pharmaceutical industry; who, along with the oil industry, have the Bush administration in their collective back pockets.”

“Pet my toad!”

“Yes Billy, the word ‘toady’ is indeed synonymous with ‘sycophantic’ and if you were an influential person I guess I would indeed be kissing your butt right here and now.”

“Yes Joey, the French are sometimes derogatorily referred to as ‘frogs’ and the French are indeed unabashedly anti-American despite the fact that we saved their butts from the Germans twice in the last century. However, I don’t necessarily think that means we should squish poor Kermit here with a big rock.”

Submariner said...

So you see how narrow his body is? Next I'll show you a neat trick on how to make him wider than a minivan's rear tire...

Submariner said...

C'mon girls, quit looking at my trouser snake and focus on the toad in my hands...

Submariner said...

OK, girls; as soon as Ms Letourneau gets back from leading the boys up the nature trail, we'll have our lunch of fried Frog Legs!
mmmm-mmmmm!

sonicfrog said...

The previews to the new Indiana Jones movie just don't look all that exciting...

Adjustah said...

You kids know how to make toad in the hole, right?

Cricket said...

Richard Gere does a magic act for the kids: "See if you can see where I got the frog from and where I put it. If you get both right I will give you the frog."

Rodney Dill said...

"I'd as soon kiss this toad as Streisand's breasts."