Friday, September 29, 2006

Jerk


1. "Yeah, I spit in your coffee. Thanks for putting Ginsburg on the Supreme Court, ya fat fascist."

2. "You know, Ed, you have the tightest, perkiest buttocks of any Secret Service man ever."

3. "Can't harass... eating!"

4. "And through the magic of the human digestive system, coffee becomes bodily fluids, which I can then deposit on anyone I want to."

5. "Wow, who knew ex-presidents could get breast milk in their cappucino on request."

Best of Dusty
Bill's do-list for this week:
1. Attack Chris Wallace
2. Buy a really crappy-looking shirt
3. Stop off at Starbucks

Is that woman sitting behind me smirking? I'll fix her like I 'fixed' Juanita Broaddrick.

Just a little picker-upper. Trying to find a legacy really takes it out of you.

Best of jeff
"What do you mean it isn't polite to take food into eating establishments? I'll stop when Starbucks offers cheeseburgers."

Best of Jonathan
"What do you mean 'You'd better get some ice for that'?? (pause...) Oh, you meant for the frappucino? Sorry, sir. I just remember the last time you said that."

Best of Submariner
Dammit! Where's my toy?

Front agent quietly into his lapel mic; "I don't care what you think of the request. 'Eagle Droppings' wants a quadruple cheeseburger with extra mayo and relish - stat!"

Please Mr. Clinton; can I spit now?

Best of andthenblammo!
Barista: "Cream in your coffee?"
Bill Clinton: "No, not since the last time Monica brought it to me! A-har-har-har-har-har!"

"Is this a pubic hair on my cappucino? Man, Clarence Thomas was right about that 'great-wheel-of-karma-turning' thing, now, wasn't he?"

Best of What, me worry?
I’ll have a venti mocha frappuccino with a double shot of duplicitousness, extra DNA cream, extra condescension, questionable legacy, a touch of sedition and a twist of logic.

Your coffee is like Chris Wallace’s nice little conservative hit job on Fox: bitterness has replaced the false promise of deliciousness.

Best of prince of leaves
"Funny, this espresso Hillary fetched for me tastes like bitter almonds..."

Mary Elizabeth Jaworsky, Catholic ecstatic, beams with euphoria as she witnesses an apparition of the Avenging Hand of God hovering over an unwitting Bill Clinton.

Best of Straight8
No, really. Does this coat make my butt look big?

Best of Mr. Right
MONICA (from under the table): "Mr. President, we have to stop meeting like this..." {zzziiiipppp!!!}

Best of Silhouette
Ha! You thought to distract me with an ex-president and secret service agents, but I see Waldo's elbow!


Hat Tip: SondraK

28 comments:

Dusty said...

Bill's do-list for this week:
1. Attack Chris Wallace
2. Buy a really crappy-looking shirt
3. Stop off at Starbucks


Is that woman sitting behind me smirking?

Dusty said...

Just a little picker-upper. Trying to find a legacy really takes it out of you.

jeff said...

"Hillary makes me take window seats nowadays..."

"I'm only here for the 'classic mermaid' cups."

"What do you mean it isn't polite to take food into eating establishments? I'll stop when Starbucks offers cheeseburgers."

Jonathan said...

"What do you mean 'You'd better get some ice for that'?? (pause...) Oh, you meant for the frappucino? Sorry, sir. I just remember the last time you said that."

Submariner said...

Dammit! Where's my toy?

Submariner said...

Front agent quietly into his lapel mic; "I don't care what you think of the request. 'Eagle Droppings' wants a quadruple cheeseburger with extra mayo and relish - stat!"

andthenblammo! said...

Barista: "Cream in your coffee?"

Bill Clinton: "No, not since the last time Monica brought it to me! A-har-har-har-har-har!"

andthenblammo! said...

"Is this a pubic hair on my cappucino? Man, Clarence Thomas was right about that 'great-wheel-of-karma-turning' thing, now, wasn't he?"

Submariner said...

Confucious says; "Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end."

Submariner said...

"Running Eagle" must be on a diet; used to be a mid-jog Big Mac - now it's a mid-jog machiato with extra cream and a slab or two of pound cake...

Submariner said...

Y'know it's nice to see how Bill trimmed down after surgery and getting back into the clothes he had outgrown. Take his jack-o-lantern shirt for instance...

Submariner said...

Please Mr. Clinton; can I spit now?

What, me worry? said...

I’ll have a venti mocha frappuccino with a double shot of duplicitousness, extra DNA cream, extra condescension, questionable legacy, a touch of sedition and a twist of logic.

Your coffee is like Chris Wallace’s nice little conservative hit job on Fox: bitterness has replaced the false promise of deliciousness.

What, me worry? said...

“Ed, would you please send some coffee over to those three Chinese chicks across the street? They’re wearing hubcaps for hats, so ask them if they’d like to ‘lay some rubber’ with the first black President.”

prince of leaves said...

Bill's thought bubble: "Funny, this espresso Hillary fetched for me tastes like almonds..."

prince of leaves said...

Message in Bill's tea leaves: "LEGACY HOSED -- LIES EXPOSED"

prince of leaves said...

Queer Trenchcoated SS Eye for the Ex-Presidential Guy: "My god, what was he thinking? Bill's much too butch to wear a sweater over his shoulders..."

prince of leaves said...

The SS was less concerned at that moment with any safety threats than that the thought of the papparazzi photographing Ronald McDonald covertly passing Bill the deceptively-marked bag of doctor-prohibited Triple Big Macs with Bacon and Extra Cheese.

prince of leaves said...

(Oops -- "...that the thought of..." = "with")

prince of leaves said...

Mary Elizabeth Jaworsky, Catholic ecstatic, beams with euphoria as she witnesses an apparition of the Avenging Hand of God hovering over an unwitting Bill Clinton.

What, me worry? said...

“Hill detests corporate coffee mills and would never be caught dead in something as petit-bourgeois as a Starbucks, which is why I come here so often.”

“According to my former Vice President and Father of the Internet, thanks to global warming we’ll be growing coffee beans in northern Greenland within a decade.”

Straight8 said...

No, really. Does this coat make my butt look big?

Mr. Right said...

"Hey, guys, get your act in gear and get me some action over here, stat! You know I always take my coffee with cream and sugar!"

Mr. Right said...

MONICA (from under the table): "Mr. President, we have to stop meeting like this..." {zzziiiipppp!!!}

Silhouette said...

Ha! You thought to distract me with an ex-president and secret service agents, but I see Waldo's elbow!

Mr. Right said...

Coming this summer to a theater near you:

A fastidious and somewhat effeminate Secret Service Agent is forced to live with a slovenly, skirt-chasing ex-President after his wife finally kicks him out. Can these two men share a trendy apartment on Manhattan's Upper East Side --- without driving each other crazy?

Steve Martin and Bill Clinton are...

The Odd Couple.

Rated PGDA (Pretty Gawdamn Awful!)

MP Martin said...

You can sit there with that smirk on your face and ask your questions little girl, but I did everything in my power to stop that little Columbian from hijacking a burro and riding it into the World Trade Center. Now hand me that sugar, my coffee's bitter. And get on the floor and biggie size my fries for me. Mmmmfff mmmfff mmmfff... Another muffburger over here please!

Submariner said...

Trenchcoat guy's thought bubble: "I dunno... They used to be friends, but should I let Staphanopolous 'get a Latte and chat with Bill'?"