Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Satisfaction Guaranteed

1. "Dr. Freud, please pick up the white courtesy phone!"

2. "Andrew Sullivan sent us a get well gift."

3. "It was the thickest one I could find. Barney Frank bought the last black one."

4. "Oh, Hugo, you know just how to cheer me up. Now, pop down to the gift shop and bring me some batteries."

5. "Why does this smell like Achmadinejad?"

6. "Wonderful! Did the doctors find the gerbil, too?"

7. The Broadway Version of South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut stars Jorge Garcia as Saddam Hussein and James Brolin as Satan.

8. "... and I WAS happy to see you."

9. "The spinal column of a pro-democracy dissident? Hugo, you shouldn't have!"

10. "A candle made of your earwax. Hugo, you really shouldn't have."

Best of evariste
I can't decide which is the biggest prick in the room!

Best of floranista
Fidel and Hugo celebrate after closing the marketing deal with Ronco for their new Scrimshaw Dictator Dildo™!

Best of Cybrludite
Hugo, deseo que sabía pararle.

Best of Submariner
...so I farted a tremendous blast, and there on the bed laid my intestines! But thanks to my ingenuity and this pusher rod, I managed to cram them all back in. And THAT, Hugo, is why I'm in hospital today...

I must be getting old, Hugo. My Anal Intruder just falls out no matter how hard I clench my cheeks.

No kidding, mi amigo? On our hands and knees facing opposite directions and we both get pleasured?

Oliver Stone announced that he will remake "Weekend at Bernie's" this fall, but with a Latin twist.

Rectum? It damn near killed me!

Best of T. Harris
Now pay attention, Fidel, I'm only gonna show you how to do this one more time. Remember, to keep from gagging you have to breathe through your nose.

Hugo triumphantly screams "EXCALIBAAAAAAH!" after successfully retrieving the magic sword from Fidel's craggy anus.

Best of Van Helsing
"You'll want to have this on hand in case Jimmy Carter comes to visit."

Best of Zeke
See not just the lebanese can pose with dead bodies!

Best of Silhouette
Fidel thanks Hugo for covering his shifts at Target this week.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
Nice. Making fun of a couple of aging brutal brandishing a shared elephant-tusk buttplug. Read their story. Educate yourselves. Morons.

"I don't remember that thing being used at my 79th birthday gala! Boy, it's funny what a few pitchers of sangria does to the memory...and the inhibitions!"

Auditions for the h0m0er0tic film "Romancing the Bone" have apparently gotten under way.

Best of curly
As Vladimir Lenin said: "The Capitalists will sell us the dido with which we will screw them."

Best of Chrees
"Does this thing talk?"

Best of andthenblammo!
"So, after the eleventh margarita, I talk Doofus here into sticking this Roman Candle in his butt and trying to aim the flaming balls over the fence into Guantanamo! The guards nearly pissed themselves laughing, and I got the whole thing on MiniDV; check out the video on Break.com!"

"No wonder you ended up in the hospital, dummy; this thing is wired for 110 volts, and you have 220 on this damn island!"

"Hey, consider yourself lucky, dude; every other drummer from Spinal Tap ended up dead!"

Best of WALSTIB
"...It takes two hands to handle a Whopper"

Hat Tip: RIP Ford
Source: Grandma

47 comments:

evariste said...

I can't decide which is the biggest prick in the room!

floranista said...

Fidel and Hugo celebrate after closing the marketing deal with Ronco for their new Scrimshaw Dictator Dildo™!

Cybrludite said...

Hugo, deseo que sabía pararle.

Submariner said...

Hugo, you magnificent bastidge! I always wanted to have the white devil in my hand...

Submariner said...

You are confused, mi amigo. I am "sick" and "in the hospital," not in prison. Why would you ask about our garb?

Submariner said...

¡Mi señor! This reeks of the Sheehan. Could you not have at least washed it before giving it to me?

Submariner said...

...so I farted a tremendous blast, and there on the bed laid my intestines! But thanks to my ingenuity and this pusher rod, I managed to cram them all back in. And THAT, Hugo, is why I'm in hospital today...

T. Harris said...

Now pay attention, Fidel, I'm only gonna show you how to do this one more time. Remember, to keep from gagging you have to breathe through your nose.

Submariner said...

I must be getting old, Hugo. My "Intruder" just falls out no matter how hard I clench my cheeks.

Van Helsing said...

"You'll want to have this on hand in case Jimmy Carter comes to visit."

Submariner said...

Ah, Hugo; this reminds me of our days at Avalon Manor; remember the "shim" in the pink dress at our prom that entertained us?

Submariner said...

No kidding, mi amigo? On our hands and knees facing opposite directions and we both get pleasured?

Silhouette said...

And so the baton is passed, from last century's Latin America Commie dictator, to this.

Zeke said...

See not just the lebanese can pose with dead bodies!

Silhouette said...

Fidel thanks Hugo for covering his shifts at Target this week.

Silhouette said...

Where Fidel adores quick garrote,
To rid him of a dissident,
Our Hugo loves to fake the polls,
Pretend his people have control --
What a wild duet!

Still, they're despots,
Identical despots and you'll find,
They kill alike, they lie alike,
I wish they’d even die alike –

Jonathan said...

"Senator Kennedy says this was used on the other side of my island on those Al Qaeda detainees...so you just KNOW this is the real deal!"

Jonathan said...

"Seriously, Fidel...enough of the deep breathing 'I am your father' Vader sh#t, OK?"

Jonathan said...

Nice. Making fun of a couple of aging brutal brandishing a shared elephant-tusk buttplug. Read their story. Educate yourselves. Morons.

Jonathan said...

"I don't remember that thing being used at my 79th birthday gala! Boy, it's funny what a few pitchers of sangria does to the memory...and the inhibitions!"

Jonathan said...

"Our spies told us that they recovered this from an American grave...some Yankee named 'Wilt Chamberlain' or something."

Jonathan said...

Auditions for the h0m0er0tic film "Romancing the Bone" have apparently gotten under way.

Submariner said...

Oliver Stone announced that he will remake "Weekend at Bernie's" this fall, but with a Latin twist.

Submariner said...

V. check out http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/multimedia/photo_gallery/0608/gallery.campus.ugafans/content.14.html

Submariner said...

and another:
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/multimedia/photo_gallery/0608/missedit.0811/content.6.html

jeff said...

"Cindy said that Jesse recommends it to all his friends..."

jeff said...

Submariner - if V. uses your 11:19am, I claim dibs on "Doing it Doggy Style"

curly said...

"...so by inserting this in the rectums of the prostated proletariat, I'll maintain power well into my 80's?"

Some Puma ads are more effective than other.

As Vladimir Lenin said: "The Capitalists will sell us the dido with which we will screw them."

Submariner said...

A diving rod for oil! Really, Hugo?

What, me worry? said...

Hugo Chavez, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Fidel Castro pose for photographers.

"90 miles to America? That would be 475,200 of these 12" dildoes laid end to end, right?"

T. Harris said...

Hugo triumphantly screams "EXCALIBAAAAAAH!" after successfully retrieving the magic sword from Fidel's craggy anus.

Cricket said...

Hugo, I think Raoul is a fool and I am passing the scepter to you.
Rule well when I am gone and you and Cindy have my blessing.

Chrees said...

(For "Animal House" fans)

"Does this thing talk?"

andthenblammo! said...

"So, after the eleventh margarita, I talk Doofus here into sticking this Roman Candle in his butt and trying to aim the flaming balls over the fence into Guantanamo! The guards nearly pissed themselves laughing, and I got the whole thing on MiniDV; check out the video on Break.com!"

andthenblammo! said...

"Oh, sure, you used to see Russians doing this Revolution of the People gig; that is, until all of these good paying jobs ended up being done by undocumented scabs working for cash, like these two jokers right here. Tonight on the O'Reilly Factor we discuss this important issue with some generic liberal twit and a dweeby commie professor type, right after these announcements...."

andthenblammo! said...

"Yeah, yeah, here to cheer the old man up; I'm tellin ya, you start playing 'El Condor Pasa' one more time on this here flute, and I'm stuffing this thing right up your ass!"

andthenblammo! said...

"I wish I could quit you."


(I can't believe this one was neglected for so long.)

andthenblammo! said...

"No wonder you ended up in the hospital, dummy; this thing is wired for 110 volts, and you have 220 on this damn island!"

andthenblammo! said...

"Hey, consider yourself lucky, dude; every other drummer from Spinal Tap ended up dead!"

andthenblammo! said...

"Party on, Wayne!"

"Party on, Garth!"

"SCHWINNNG!"

andthenblammo! said...

(Fidel thinks to himself:)

"Oh, sure, here comes the "I beat George Bush with this stick, and he cried like a little girl!" story. The way I heard it, ol' Hugo still has the Presidential Seal embossed in intaglio on his right buttock, and they had to use side-scan sonar to find the damn stick!"

andthenblammo! said...

"Okay, Hugo, exactly how DO you say "butt spelunker" in Spanish??"

Submariner said...

andthenblammo! said...
(I can't believe this one was neglected for so long.) 8:43 PM



Uh, dude? cybrludite used it at 7:18 am. 'course, being a ludite he did it in Spanish...

nevergrewup said...

"I don't know Hugo. Isn't it enough that I let them pull it out of my ass? Have something made for your new squeeze Cindy out of it."

Submariner said...

Rectum? It damn near killed me!

Anonymous said...

"...It takes two hands to handle a Whopper"
-WALSTIB

Cricket said...

Yes, Hugo, this is the Wand of Power. I pass this secret of my success on to you. Use it well.
Oh, and one other thing. Wipe that SE grin off your face. I'm not dead yet and it won't work until I am.