1. "FBI, Ma'am, I'm afraid I'll have to inspect your booty."
2. "Nope, no liquids, no nail clippers, just a mutha-f*****' sh*tload of poisonous snakes."
3. "I'm escorting John Karr back from Thailand. He'll need a kosher meal and a six-year-old to sit on his face."
4. "Sorry for the delay, Agent Flynn. A group of Code Pink girls were in the security line ahead of you, and our policy is to run them through the X-ray four or five times to kill the lice before we let them on the plane."
5. "False Alarm, Agent Flynn. The spikes on Andrew Sullivan's butt plug set off the metal detector."