Monday, May 15, 2006

El Gordo

1. Look in the sky! It's a bird. It's a plane. It's Super-Commie! Strange visitor from another world. (Berkeley) Faster than the speeding bullets that ventilate his dissidents. More powerful than a locomotive... most of which are running late (a.k.a. on socialist time) Able to captivated large liberals (Michael Moore, Rosie O'Donnell, Ted Kennedy) with a single Marxist slogan...

2. "Young Turdhoppers, as soon as you can grasp the pebble, your Marxist indoctrination will be complete."

3. "Then, I will crush the capitalist counter-revolutionaries like Sawyer crushed that tree-frog on that one episode of Lost. You know what I'm talking about."

4. Then, one of the large stage fans wafted his armpit funk over the crowd, incapacitating the first three rows.

5. "Hidey Hidey Hidey Hi!" "Hidey Hidey Hidey Hi!" "Hodey Hodey Hodey Ho!"

6. Unfortunately, as Hugo was leading the crowd through Tai Chi, the Chinese delegate to the World Communist Conference arrived and, mistaking him for a Falun Gong, shot him through the back of his head and harvested his organs for sale to the party leadership.... much to the delight of the international community.
Best of Submariner .
Wonder Twin power: Activate! Form of a maniac dictato, er... benevolent, legally-elected presidente!

Though a self-professed "super-sentient," Hugo was only capable of a 3 cm energy ball to hurl at the attacking Goku.

Though restless, the natives always loved Uncle Hugo's spirited pantomimes of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."

When lack of "mind power" resulted in the spoon not bending, Hugo used his hands and instructed the audience they "saw nothing."

Best of prince of leaves .
"And when we defeat the capitalist pig-dogs of America, everyone will have a Segway---ooooAAHHH! Juan! How do you stop this crazy thing!?!?!"

Best of Divine miss M .
"Hey, Macarena!"

Best of What, me worry? .
Thanks to state-run programming, the best Venezuelan television had to offer was Hugo’s prime time show of “Guess Which Hand”, followed in the next timeslot by Hugo’s “Hand Shadows”.

Despite the compelling APPLAUSE OR DEATH audience prompters, sporadic booing accompanied the Venezuelan President-For-Life’s cynical magic trick of “Your Disappearing Civil Liberties”.

Best of Son Of The Godfather .
Yup, those finger-trap party favors can be a bitch... especially in front of an audience.

Best of Rodney Dill .
You must be this tall to get on the Maniacal Despot ride.

Best of Cybrludite .
And if you all clap, Tinkerbell here will live. If not, she and your families will be sent to the firing squad!

Best of Jason .
"Both fists? No kidding?" "Yeah, I totally had both in Ms. Sheehan. Looked like this!"

Most people don't know that Hugo Chavez used to be a Scout Trooper on Endor.

Best of AM42 .
Despite years of therapy- every day at 5:30 Hugo uncontrollably breaks into the Snoopy Suppertime! dance.

ORA- Much to his surprise and dismay, Hugo discovered that the suit only worked on Ralph Hinkley.

Best of Silhouette .
I must, I must, I must increase my bust.

Best of WhoopsieDaisey .
Hugo Chavez prepares to dive into Cindy Sheehan as her personal "Human Kotex."

Best of Occasional Reader .
Faced with mounting problems associated with the country's decrepit petroleum infrastructure, the few remaining PDVSA engineers were less than impressed by the President's exhortations to "just keep stirring up that oil, the way I stir things up on the dance floor."

Best of David Simon .
"When I said I wanted wall hangings in my office Andrew, I didn't mean those poofy macrame things; I meant my political opponents, shackled like this."


Sombrero Tip: AM42

38 comments:

Rodney Dill said...

"Wait! Stop! The pools been drained.... oops, too late."

Submariner said...

Wonder Twin power: Activate! Form of a maniac dictato, er... benevolent, legally-elected presidente!

Submariner said...

Moments later, Hugo announced to the crowd that it was lucky for them he was here to destroy the Predator that only he could see.

Submariner said...

Hugo's version of Bruce Lee's "1 inch punch" removed the SheHag from the rostrum to thunderous applause.

Submariner said...

ORA:

Though a self-professed "super-sentient," Hugo was only capable of a 3 cm energy ball to hurl at the attacking Goku.

Submariner said...

Though restless, the natives always loved Uncle Hugo's spirited pantomimes of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."

Submariner said...

At the first bell, Hugo charged W. with his fists high...

prince of leaves said...

"And when we defeat the capitalist pig-dogs of America, everyone will have a Segway---ooooAAHHH! Juan! How do you stop this crazy thing!?!?!"

prince of leaves said...

If ya feel, ya heal!!!

prince of leaves said...

"See? Ain't they fine? Just wait 'til you see me in 'em!" The Dictator shows off his new clothes.

divine miss M said...

"Hey, Macarena!"

What, me worry? said...

Hugo showed bad form as he prepared to high dive into a bucket of excrement below. The obvious metaphor would be lost on the commie spectators.

Thanks to state-run programming, the best Venezuelan television had to offer was Hugo’s prime time show of “Guess Which Hand”, followed in the next timeslot by Hugo’s “Hand Shadows”.

“Me and Iranian Mahmoud Ahmadinejad are like this”.

Pat Robertson’s comments about “taking out” Hugo Chavez, while upsetting most EUroweenies and US lefties, resonates a chord with more people every time Hugo opens his mouth.

What, me worry? said...

As Hugo Chavez warms up the faithful at a RE-ELECT NANCY PELOCI campaign rally, he shouts, “the people will soon elect me to a 25 year term as President; let’s see that Nancy’s tenure and mine run concurrently”.

What, me worry? said...

A longtime apprentice of High Priestess Nancy Pelosi, Hugo Chavez astounds the crowds by his ability to produce St. Elmo’s fire on command.

Son Of The Godfather said...

While attempting a trapeze stunt without a net, Hugo was about to learn an important lesson about body conditioning.

(I originally mispelled "Hugo" as "Hogo"... It kinda works that way too.)

Son Of The Godfather said...

Yup, those finger-trap party favors can be a bitch... especially in front of an audience.

Rodney Dill said...

You must be this tall to get on the Maniacal Despot ride.

Cybrludite said...

And if you all clap, Tinkerbell here will live. If not, she and your families will be sent to the firing squad!

Submariner said...

When lack of "mind power" resulted in the spoon not bending, Hugo used his hands and instructed the audience they "saw nothing."

Submariner said...

Nothing up my sleeves... Now watch me pull the Jackson, Sharpton and Sheehan triplets out of my @$$!

Submariner said...

Hugo would later rue the decision to take on Don King in his main venue...

Submariner said...

Caught on film: a poor sap in the 35th row's head literally explodes due to his trying to apply rules of logic to Hugo's speech.

radio free fred said...

"Cuff Me And Stuff Me!"

Jason said...

"Both fists? No kidding?"

"Yeah, I totally had both in Ms. Sheehan. Looked like this!"

AM42 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
AM42 said...

Despite years of therapy- every day at 5:30 Hugo uncontrollably breaks into the Snoopy Suppertime! dance.


(Thanks V, but I don't think it was me)

Jason said...

Most people don't know that Hugo Chavez used to be a Scout Trooper on Endor.

Silhouette said...

I must, I must, I must increase my bust.

AM42 said...

Worst "cabbage patch" ever

WhoopsieDaisey said...

Hugo Chavez prepares to dive into Cindy Sheehan as her personal "Human Kotex."

Submariner said...

V. - potential material site - http://www.officepirates.com/officepirates/home2/0,26090,,00.html

What, me worry? said...

Despite the compelling APPLAUSE OR DEATH audience prompters, sporadic booing accompanied the Venezuelan President-For-Life’s cynical magic trick of “Your Disappearing Civil Liberties”.

Occasional Reader said...

Cindy and Andrew both watched with growing excitement as Hugo continued fisting the air.

Occasional Reader said...

Faced with mounting problems associated with the country's decrepit petroleum infrastructure, the few remaining PDVSA engineers were less than impressed by the President's exhortations to "just keep stirring up that oil, the way I stir things up on the dance floor."

What, me worry? said...

Hugo Chavez prepares to crowd surf at a Nancy Pelosi fundraiser.

David Simon said...

"When I said I wanted wall hangings in my office Andrew, I didn't mean those poofy macrame things; I meant my political opponents, shackled like this."

David Simon said...

"There's not much suspense left anymore Hugo. You always vote thumbs down."

AM42 said...

ORA- Much to his surprise and dismay, Hugo discovered that the suit only worked on Ralph Hinkley.