Sunday, April 02, 2006

What's a Five-Letter Word for 'Deformed Circus Performer', Starts with F

1. "Single, sincere white female, 43, wishes to meet single, sincere, limber Eskimo who's into who's into tattoos, bananas,gargling Windex, Barry Manilow inflatable dolls, cactus, sleeping with large tomatoes, and snake wrestling in Jell-o pudding.. No freaks."

2. Vin Diesel and Courtney Love fill out their unemployment forms.

3. "Hey! Check this! Each of the voices in my head is entitled to its own vote. Goddess! I love being a Seattle Democrat."

4. "And then Andrew Sullivan... um... and then the smelly pirate hooker and the kid with the pumpkin shirt... um... damn, I hope I come up with a caption idea by the time Fuschia gets off the computer.

5. "Damn it! When will I learn that white stockings and urinary incontinence don't mix."

6. "Question 5. Someone you don't recognize attempts to access CTU using a stolen key card. Do you a.) Call for back up, or b.) Let 'em in and figure Jack will deal with it somehow." CTU Redshirt Job Application.

7. The job market in Detroit is now so bad you have to fill out an application to be a crackwhore.

8. "It's not you, Moonbeam. It's just that filling out a marriage license with someone of the opposite sex just feels weird."

9. "And if my demands are not met the screams of those who have wronged me will fill the skies..."

10. "Moonbeam, how do I answer question 12: 'Do you advocate the overthrow of the US by force or violence?' I think the answer is 'violence.'"

Best of andthenblammo!
"A skank quota? It's not hard enough graduating with a degree in Neo-Hawaiian Postmodernest Literature, but I have to run up against a skank quota?"

"We at the Zippy Home Hair Care Set company would like to thank you for filling out our feedback form! Please circle all answers that apply about your feelings about our fine product!"

How did you like our product?

#1: Very satisfied.
#2: Somewhat satified.
#3: Somewhat dissatified.
#4: Very dissatified.
#5: Filled with rage.... (More in comments...)

Best of prince of leaves
A scene from the forthcoming Butterfly Effect II: in this alternative reality, her unreconstructed hippie parents name would-be particle physics prodigy Elizabeth "Selene", instead, setting her on the path of a life of welfare applications, dodgy associates, and tragic fashion choices.

Best of Critical Matt
Don't mind the iodine on my leg, doctor's orders.

Best of Rufus Leaking
It was a great day when Clown College merged with Barber's College!

Best of Submariner
ORA: psst - what does a flashing yellow light mean?"
"Slow down."
"What --- Does --- A --- Flashing --- Yellow --- Light --- Mean?"

I'm making the answer sheet look like Chrismas Trees. What design are you using, Sunflower?

"Dear diary, I can't believe it but Orlando Bloom was next to me in the unemployment office today..."

A rare "behind the scenes" look at Ruth Bader Ginzburg's crack opinion-writing team at work.

Best of Lyn
Home school for the Osbournes.

Best of radio free fred
"Dear President Clinton I Would Love To Work At Your Library."

This pic from Toni L. Bailey/The Olympian(tipped by The Diva)

23 comments:

andthenblammo! said...

"A skank quota? It's not hard enough graduating with a degree in Neo-Hawaiian Postmodernest Literature, but I have to run up against a skank quota?"

andthenblammo! said...

"We at the Zippy Home Hair Care Set company would like to thank you for filling out our feedback form! Please circle all answers that apply about your feelings about our fine product!"

How did you like our product?

#1: Very satisfied.
#2: Somewhat satified.
#3: Somewhat dissatified.
#4: Very dissatified.
#5: Filled with rage.

Were you:

#1: Happy with your hairstyle?
#2: Unhappy with your hairstyle, but figure the circus is in town and you need a job?
#3: Stocking up on hoodies and stocking caps until it grows out?
#4: Amazed that a whole new side of you is now apparent, IE that you're a totally unredeemable dork?
#5: (For men only)Couldn't look more stupid even if found dead hanging from a garage rafter with your pants around your ankles dead from autoerotic selfasphyxiation?

Will you tell your friends about our fine product:

#1: Have to make some friends, first.
#2: Would like to, but they've all died in tragic autoerotic selfasphyxiation accidents.
#3: Yes, JoJo the Sad Clown and Tramps the Happy Hobo would love to find out about this!
#4: The whole gang at Dorks Anonymous chipped in on this one; we're all just tickled pink with the results.
#5: My friends are all imaginary, therefore they don't need haircuts and your question is stupid. Moron.

Thanks for your time!

David Simon said...

An irate Jay Bennish explains why he made his high school class rewrite their mid-term papers. "They wrote garbage like 'George Bush is the most evilest man the country has ever known.' I mean, even a second grader knows that the correct response is George Bush is the most evilest man the universe has ever known."

andthenblammo! said...

"Let's see, under 'Why should I be hired as our new English Teacher', I'll just write; 'Bekase i gotz maaad skilz an shizzle lerned at Harvard on my ol mans dime yo.' This job is in the bag!"

andthenblammo! said...

"PS whenn do i getz tenure?"

prince of leaves said...

A scene from the forthcoming Butterfly Effect II: in this alternative reality, her unreconstructed hippie parents name would-be particle physics prodigy Elizabeth "Selene", instead, setting her on the path of a life of welfare applications, dodgy associates, and tragic fashion choices.

Critical Matt said...

Looks like monkeys can write Shakespeare.

Critical Matt said...

Don't mind the iodine on my leg, doctor's orders.

Rufus Leaking said...

It was a great day when Clown College merged with Barber's College!

Submariner said...

ORA:

"psst - what does a flashing yellow light mean?"
"Slow down."
"What --- Does --- A --- Flashing --- Yellow --- Light --- Mean?"

Submariner said...

I'm making the answer sheet look like Chrsitmas Trees. What design are you using, Sunflower?

Submariner said...

I'll take "Marilyn Manson's Childhood" for $200, Alex.

Submariner said...

Moonbeam - trust me on this - I don't think the words on your application are going to matter at all. Once the "Queer Eye" guys get a look at the picture of you in that yellow tights thing you're wearing, you'll be a shoe-in to get picked for a makeover...

Submariner said...

"Dear diary, I can't believe it but Orlando Bloom was next to me in the unemployment office today..."

Submariner said...

Sgt Hulka chuckled in the other room. "That 'free summer camp' line gets 'em every time..."

Submariner said...

A rare "behind the scenes" look at Ruth Bader Ginzburg's crack opinion-writing team at work.

Submariner said...

Mr. Kotter, I wish I could quit you...

Submariner said...

Dear Penthouse, I never thought your letters were true until this really happened to me...

Submariner said...

Nothing to see here, folks. Just your typical, over-qualified, hopefuls filling out applications for vacancies in the San Francisco school system. Please move along...

Lyn said...

Home school for the Osbournes.

Lyn said...

Play that music video again, I'm stuck trying to describe what Michael Jackson did in that dance move.

radio free fred said...

"Dear President Clinton I Would Love To Work At Your Library."

Submariner said...

"Q15: Do you have any additional talents that would be useful to you as a care provider here at Munchkinland™?

>giggle< >giggle< I see dead people? >snicker<