Sunday, April 09, 2006

Weekend Americana --- Brought to you by PanelingWorld

1. "Expand my consciousness in a zillion directions at once? Cool, Dr. Leary, how do I get started?"

2. "So, are you a chick or a dude? The split on Tradesports is 50-50 right now."

3. The psychic lamp waited patiently. It's time would come.

4. Former Circuit Party Rave Queen Kendra O'Donald lectures a recovery group on the dangers of mixing Propel, vodka, ecstasy and anti-freeze. She's 24 years old.

5. Attendees at the town hall forum were shocked when Nancy Pelosi's botox suddenly expired and she returned to her natural form.

6. Amanda could scarcely contain her arousal. Sure, Helen Thomas was dreamy, but her older sister was too hot for words.

7. "Sorry, dear, I had some Taco Bell on the way over."

Best of Fish-Lips
"Sorry, Ms. Van Susteren. I was wrong. You do have something between your ears... a slack jawed expression of idiocy."

Best of Submariner
Really Auntie Pat, you can't possibly expect me to believe you put your arms around Teddy Kennedy and had them touch!

Cindy was disturbed when granny started playing canasta with imaginary cards. But when she shouted "Sh!t - Lost again!" and began to strip. the revulsion got her past it...

Cindy, why don't you just sit back and let me tell you the story of my youth as a smelly pirate hooker...

Best of Carla
I'm sorry, but Mr. Clinton requires his interns' breasts to be at least this big.

Best of prince of leaves
"I don't know, Nana -- if it was a kidney you needed, well, okay, but a share of my lifeforce...?"

"Well, Paula, if you think your run-in with Bill Clinton was bad, let me tell you about the time I was ass-groped by Woodrow Wilson!"

Best of David Simon
Valerie Solanas converses with Andy Warhol in happier times.

"Andrew Sullivan did show up to our poker game, but he ran out screaming about pine panelling."

"Come now, granny. The wool plaid shirt, the butch haircut. Do you really think those Lee press-ons are fooling anyone?"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yes Etta, I knew you were a man."

Best of attmay
Linda was appalled that her grandma would still be telling racist jokes in this day and age.

The family was absolutely agape as Grandma described her plans for getting breast implants.


The same place most of the Americana comes from.

27 comments:

nevergrewup said...

"I don't care how long your toes are. If you stick them in my snatch one more time I'm going to bite them off."

Fish-Lips said...

"Sorry, Ms. Van Susteren. I was wrong. You do have something between your ears... a slack jawed expression of idiocy."

andthenblammo! said...

"They used to be out to here when I was a lot younger!"

Submariner said...

So, anyways, I had to carry one of Clarence Thomas's balls like this. (Helen Thomas carried the other one.) And he was man enough to take care of both of us, if you know what I mean...

Submariner said...

Really Auntie Pat, you can't possibly expect me to believe you put your arms around Teddy Kennedy and had them touch!

Submariner said...

Bill Gates describes the pile of cash he's willing to give her if she's willing to give him...

Mark and Carla said...

I'm sorry, but Mr. Clinton requires his interns' breasts to be at least this big.

prince of leaves said...

"I don't know, Nana -- if it was a kidney you needed, well, okay, but a share of my lifeforce...?"

prince of leaves said...

"Well, Paula, if you think your run-in with Bill Clinton was bad, let me tell you about the time I was ass-groped by Woodrow Wilson!"

David Simon said...

Valerie Solanas converses with Andy Warhol in happier times.

David Simon said...

"Andrew Sullivan did show up to our poker game, but he ran out screaming about pine panelling."

David Simon said...

"Come now, granny. The wool plaid shirt, the butch haircut. Do you really think those Lee press-ons are fooling anyone?"

Rodney Dill said...

"I said I was sorry for using your false teeth to crack nuts, could we just get past this?"

Rodney Dill said...

"Yes Etta, I knew you were a man."

Submariner said...

I forget; are you my dad or my mom?

Submariner said...

Da-amn, Ellie Jo; you look good enough I'd like to bend you over a fence, grab you like this and, oh crap - I said that out loud, didn't I?

Submariner said...

Cindy was disturbed when granny started playing canasta with imaginary cards. But when she shouted "Sh!t - Lost again!" and began to strip. the revulsion got her past it...

Submariner said...

Cindy, why don't you just sit back and let me tell you the story of my youth as a smelly pirate hooker...

Submariner said...

Sorry sweety, but after the Rev Al's had you, you have the "popcorn queefs" for days...

Submariner said...

I'll have you know that I HAVE showered daily since my fling with Cindy Sheehan last August. It's just that her scent is harder to get rid of than a polecat in heat!

Jason said...

The writers for 'Snakes on a Plane' discuss the upcoming movie's climax

Submariner said...

Madamoiselle; Eet ees zo zimple - we strike for job zecurity an no firings. What eez eet zat ees too hard you vous to understand?

ThatGayConservative said...

Curses! Fish-lips beat me to a Van Sustren caption.

Submariner said...

hmmmmm, I don't have three more bottles of Propel™ - how about if I call your raise with my 3rd Chakra?

Submariner said...

Missy, I'm sorry. I think the load I just dropped was this big; too much for even my Oops I Just Crapped My Pants™...

attmay said...

Linda was appalled that her grandma would still be telling racist jokes in this day and age.

attmay said...

The family was absolutely agape as Grandma described her plans for getting breast implants.