Monday, April 17, 2006

Scenes From a Corporate Sensitivity Presentation

1. "Uh oh, Bill Clinton's headed for the intern pen again, and he's got 'that look' in his eye."

2. "Twinkies? I wanted Zingers, you stupid bitch!" Michael Moore prepares to beat down another personal assistant for her insolence.

3. "Where's my money, ho!" Jermaine had made the successful transition from pimp to middle management, but old habits died hard, and he maintained the office coffee jar with a firm hand.

4. Bill's killing spree would later be traced to getting "I Wanna Love You Tender" stuck in his head.

5. "No, Bill, really. I think your nipple piercing is cool. Um, could you button back up now?"


In honor of my last day at work before moving on to a new employer, this little piece was 'borrowed' from a required corporate on-line course in sexual harassment - V

Best of The Man
Jack Bauer Appreciation Day is not until May 9th, but V the K likes to keep his coworkers on edge by accusing them of being moles and going into a Flank 2 position next to the copier machine.

Best of Rodney Dill
As if Al Franken wasn't scary enough by himself, the office personnel would really panic when confronted by Franken-weinie.

Best of andthenblammo!
"Uh, Arlene. Yeah. It's just that we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports *before* they go out now. So if you could just remember to do that from now on, that'd be great. All right!"

"Ahh, Arlene, I'm going to have to go ahead and ask you to come in on Sunday, too..."

Best of T. Harris
"Hold it right there, Bill. I believe there's been a little misunderstanding. I was just jokin' around when I said that I really enjoyed a good puppet show."

Best of Walstib
"V, I told you before, I don't want to be a 'Thursday Hot Chick'"

Best of Shayne
Damn, Bill. Isn't supposed to be bigger?

Best of Submariner
Look babe, wear Cowboys colors in this Raiders office? 'Best plan on unecessary roughness is all I'm saying...

Sasha found it disconcerting that the ex-pres was always humming "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" in the Harlem office...

Best of Prince of Leaves
"These are not the chi-chis you're looking for! These are not the chi-chis you're looking for!"
Desperate to avoid yet another of his unwanted advances, Sheila attempts a Jedi Mind Trick on Bob's 'lesser brain'.

Best of Attmay
Lakesha was dumbstruck as she saw her longtime co-worker begin his transformation into The Hulk.

Best of Anonymous
Shaniqua says, "Excuse me, did you just say you were a student at Duke?

37 comments:

jeff said...

No - no! It's too large! And it's angry!

e-ho said...

V the K - Good luck with the new job. Hope the move is a good thing!

The Man said...

Why are all the crazy office workers portrayed by angry white guys...

The Man said...

Jack Bauer Appreciation Day is not until May 9th, but V the K likes to keep his coworkers on edge by accusing them of being moles and going into a Flank 2 position next to the copier machine.

Submariner said...

Riffing on V's #5:

"No, Bill, really. I think your inflated scrotum is cool. Um, could you zip back up now?"

Rodney Dill said...

As if Al Franken wasn't scary enough by himself, the office personnel would really panic when confronted by Franken-weinie

Jonathan said...

"No, Mr. Timberlake, you may NOT tear open my shirt!"

andthenblammo! said...

"Uh, Arlene. Yeah. It's just that we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports *before* they go out now. So if you could just remember to do that from now on, that'd be great. All right!"

andthenblammo! said...

"Ahh, Arlene, I'm going to have to go ahead and ask you to come in on Sunday, too..."

andthenblammo! said...

"Yes, I am the new manager, Mr. V the K; although you are all encouraged to just call me 'The K'. M'Kay?"

andthenblammo! said...

Arlene thinks to herself: "Yes, it's true; your body is 'tight, tight like a tiger'; but the kitten's head ruins the whole effect......"

T. Harris said...

"Hold it right there, Bill. I believe there's been a little misunderstanding. I was just jokin' around when I said that I really enjoyed a good puppet show."

WALSTIB said...

"V, I told you before, I don't want to be a 'Thursday Hot Chick'"

WALSTIB said...

"Bill, I just don't want to tell 5 people and have them tell 5 people...."

WALSTIB said...

"Mr Bobbit, didn't our HMO cover plastic surgery too?"

WALSTIB said...

"It looked so good outside this morning I decided to leave it out all day."

WALSTIB said...

"I'm sorry Mr Martinson, but when they said your masseur was named Lynn, how was I supposed to know it was a guy??"

Rodney Dill said...

"Of course I carred your wife Horry, that's her name."

Submariner said...

Carlotta, pondering over whether the new boss would notice she farts when she gets nervous, looks up just in time to see him round the corner...

Submariner said...

What the? I thought papa-san told you to come dressed as a Geisha today, Janet...

WALSTIB said...

"My fly is open, Mr Taylor? I'm not falling for that one."

Occasional Reader said...

Personnel Scenario #24: What to do in an imminent "talk to the hand" situation.

Occasional Reader said...

"Bob, before you even ask, no I'm NOT interested in 'checking out "Jungle Fever"' on your new plasma HDTV."

Shayne said...

Damn, Bill. Isn't supposed to be bigger?

attmay said...

"Say hello to my little friend!"

Submariner said...

Rupert's "Wanna play 'reverse Mandingo' back at my place instead of working?" line didn't appear to be working with the new girl...

Submariner said...

Look babe, wear Cowboys colors in this Raiders office? 'Best plan on unecessary roughness is all I'm saying...

ThatGayConservative said...

"Hey Arlene! Does this look like a Q to you?"

Arlene suddenly realizes what the job position of Staff Knob Polisher really entales.

Submariner said...

Sasha found it disconcerting that the ex-pres was always humming "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" in the Harlem office...

Submariner said...

"On your cycle?" That's fine by me, Tamika. That would make us "Hustle and Flow" now, wouldn't it?

prince of leaves said...

"These are not the chi-chis you're looking for! These are not the chi-chis you're looking for!"
Desperate to avoid yet another of his unwanted advances, Sheila attempts a Jedi Mind Trick on Bob's 'lesser brain'.

prince of leaves said...

"That's okay, Mr. Sullivan, you don't have to demonstrate -- I already know more about your fetishes than I feel comfortable with..."

radio free fred said...

"Does This Mean You Didn't Pass Your Anger Management Class?"

radio free fred said...

"Don't Move, You've Got A Staple In Your Nose!"

attmay said...

Lakesha was dumbstruck as she saw her longtime co-worker begin his transformation into The Hulk.

Anonymous said...

Shaniqua says, "Excuse me, did you just say you were a student at Duke?

Cheez Weasel said...

Sir you've jotted a memo here. "It puts the lotion in the basket...It does this when ever it's told." And why yes, I am a size 8....