Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Oh, Yeah, Dawn... I Went There

1. "See, Girl, when Oprah says 'bar-hopping,' she mean 'all-you-can-eat-sundae-bar' hopping. We love you Oprah!"

2. Wilt Chamberlain's former conquests meet at a convention. Seated here, Numbers 900-1100, June/July, 1973.

3. "Dammit, Denzel is still in the double digits. We ain't never gonna get no lovin'."

4. "Damn, you said everything on the menu looked good, and damn if you wasn't right."

5. "Someone tell that smart-ass kid I'm not Free Willy."

6. "Note to self," Bill said. "Next time, do not let Hillary screen the new interns."

7. This is the first time I've actually seen a woman so fat that she had other fat women in orbit around her.

8. What's the big deal? Just a normal lunch Buffalo-rush at Church's Chicken.

9. "Giggity, Giggity," ... oh, thank the Lord for John Goodman.

10. You know, I just saw Spanglish and these are the women I would pay to sit on Adam Sandler if he ever feels like making another frackin' chick flick.

Best of The Man
Warning: Objects in the Caption This! segment are larger than they appear.

Best of Rodney Dill
Jerry Springer's Green Room

Best of Submariner
Next up on the auction blocck, #956 is a pleasant-tempered Holstein from Jersey...

When's Dick Gregory coming to help us lose enough to be able to get out of the Superdome?

When Spike Lee holds a "cattle call," he really holds a cattle call!

These ladies are proof that "nobody doesn't like Sara Lee." (or KFC, or Mickey D's, or Ben & Jerry's, or Hungryman dinners, or Kraft Mac & Cheese, or ...)

Best of David Simon
T"his is bullsh*t, officer. When the skinny white dude at Dairy Queen said black cow, how was we supposed to know he was ordering a rootbeer float?"

New allegations of torture surfaced when several Taliban detainees were discovered shackled in the ladies' restroom at Queen Shaniqua's Chicken Shack.

In this case, food stamp is short for food stampede.

Best of jeff

The moments of bliss before running into Southwest Airlines "you take two seats, you pay for two seats" policy.

Little did they realize that their numbers indicated their estimated weight.

Best of andthenblammo!
"Hell, we didn't know that free tickets to the 'Richard Simmons' show meant we'd have to watch some frizzy-haired twinkletoes yap at us about losing weight. So we ate him."

Best of attmay
The casting call to play Shirley the waitress in "What's Happening: The Movie"

Best of nevergrewup
Auditions to find the real life pole dancer who rescues "Chef" of "Southpark" from pedophilia take place today.


Best of radio free fred
"This New Chicken Flavored Lipstick Is Really Good!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Hints From Heloise #57: It's always a good idea to re-apply lipstick after devouring the entire contents of a vending machine.

And, I lost track of who sent this to me, but it seems like something Brenda would send. I have been half-assing the credits lately, and I apologize for that, but I've got a lot on my mind.

40 comments:

The Man said...

ABC Presents: Krispy Kreme Idol

The Man said...

Fox Presents: Who Wants to Date Andrew Sullivan!

The Man said...

Warning: Objects in the Caption This! segment are larger than they appear.

Rodney Dill said...

Jerry Springer's Green Room

Rodney Dill said...

Queen Latifah? Skinny Bitch? It could happen.

Submariner said...

Next up on the auction blocck, #956 is a pleasant-tempered Holstein from Jersey...

Submariner said...

When's Dick Gregory coming to help us lose enough to be able to get out of the Superdome?

Submariner said...

Y'know, burqha's are not always a bad idea.

Submariner said...

ORA:

Jamaican Bobsledding holding cheerleader tryouts...

Submariner said...

When Spike Lee holds a "cattle call," he really holds a cattle call!

Submariner said...

HURT (Harlem's Urban Reality Theatre) holds auditions for the role of Mama Nolan for their presentation of "A Tree Grows In Brooklyn."

Submariner said...

ORA:

Stella! D'oro?

Submariner said...

These ladies are proof that "nobody doesn't like Sara Lee."
(or KFC, or Mickey D's, or Ben & Jerry's, or Hungryman dinners, or Kraft Mac & Cheese, or ...)

Submariner said...

I'm sorry ma'am, but FAA and TWA regulations require me to assess livestock freight charges for your family...

Submariner said...

V. - tons of material that would serve can be found at http://fatboy.cc/ a site dedicated to our favorite beached whale from Massachussetts.

Rodney Dill said...

"Are you girls tons of fun?"
"SHE IS!!!"

Submariner said...

Cedric the Entertainer reviewed the line-up for the evening with disgust; "Look buddy. I'm a big man with big appetites, but there's no need insulting me that way..."

radio free fred said...

"When I Get Done With Simon Cow He'll Be Speaking Swahili And Parting His Hair On The Right Side."

David Simon said...

You be lyin' girl. Ain't no way you weigh 24 pounds less than me.

David Simon said...

T"his is bullsh*t, officer. When the skinny white dude at Dairy Queen said black cow, how was we supposed to know he was ordering a rootbeer float?"

David Simon said...

New allegations of torture surfaced when several Taliban detainees were discovered shackled in the ladies' restroom at Queen Shaniqua's Chicken Shack.

jeff said...

The moments of bliss before running into Southwest Airlines "you take two seats, you pay for two seats" policy.

When they asked for exit row seating, the answer wasn't no - it was "HECK NO!"

jeff said...

Little did they realize that their numbers indicated their estimated weight.

David Simon said...

In this case, food stamp is short for food stampede.

Submariner said...

ORA:

"Normality? We can talk about normality until the cows come home."
Oops, too late; they're here...

Submariner said...

Sister Shaneyney? Is this it? Then all I can say is this year's pledges for Kappa Mu Mu are a sorry-looking lot...

Jonathan said...

The "American Idol 10-year Reunion Special"

T. Harris said...

#956 deftly employs a toothpick to dislodge an uncooperative ham bone. As the ham bone hits the floor, #934 yells "Look, it's Puff Daddy!", covers it with her foot, and rakes it under her chair.

andthenblammo! said...

"Hell, we didn't know that free tickets to the 'Richard Simmons' show meant we'd have to watch some frizzy-haired twinkletoes yap at us about losing weight. So we ate him."

attmay said...

The casting call to play Shirley the waitress in "What's Happening: The Movie"

nevergrewup said...

Auditions to find the real life pole dancer who rescues "Chef" of "Southpark" from pedophilia take place today.

Submariner said...

Although it did not entirely eliminate the penalty for "Backfield in Motion," seating this crowd did drop about 960 yards worth of it...

Submariner said...

Nothing to see here, folks. Just another meeting of Mooooooooo-oooooveOn.com. Please do so...

radio free fred said...

"This New Chicken Flavored Lipstick Is Really Good!

Donnah said...

That one was from me.

Son Of The Godfather said...

Come on guys, on a scale of 1 to 10...

...Guess we'd be buying a new scale to replace the pulverized one.

Son Of The Godfather said...

Diana Ross's new backup singers, The Bacon Supreme's.

Son Of The Godfather said...

V the K says he's got a lot on his mind, but I think we can tell that from the picture... a WHOLE lot on his mind.

heh.

Son Of The Godfather said...

Hints From Heloise #57:
It's always a good idea to re-apply lipstick after devouring the entire contents of a vending machine.

Son Of The Godfather said...

It was a fact that if they made it past this "round", they would be in "hog-heaven" for sure.

(Hey man, that's an extra-credit pun right there. ;)