1. "See, Girl, when Oprah says 'bar-hopping,' she mean 'all-you-can-eat-sundae-bar' hopping. We love you Oprah!"
2. Wilt Chamberlain's former conquests meet at a convention. Seated here, Numbers 900-1100, June/July, 1973.
3. "Dammit, Denzel is still in the double digits. We ain't never gonna get no lovin'."
4. "Damn, you said everything on the menu looked good, and damn if you wasn't right."
5. "Someone tell that smart-ass kid I'm not Free Willy."
6. "Note to self," Bill said. "Next time, do not let Hillary screen the new interns."
7. This is the first time I've actually seen a woman so fat that she had other fat women in orbit around her.
8. What's the big deal? Just a normal lunch Buffalo-rush at Church's Chicken.
9. "Giggity, Giggity," ... oh, thank the Lord for John Goodman.
10. You know, I just saw Spanglish and these are the women I would pay to sit on Adam Sandler if he ever feels like making another frackin' chick flick.
Best of The Man
Warning: Objects in the Caption This! segment are larger than they appear.
Best of Rodney Dill
Jerry Springer's Green Room
Best of Submariner
Next up on the auction blocck, #956 is a pleasant-tempered Holstein from Jersey...
When's Dick Gregory coming to help us lose enough to be able to get out of the Superdome?
When Spike Lee holds a "cattle call," he really holds a cattle call!
These ladies are proof that "nobody doesn't like Sara Lee." (or KFC, or Mickey D's, or Ben & Jerry's, or Hungryman dinners, or Kraft Mac & Cheese, or ...)
Best of David Simon
T"his is bullsh*t, officer. When the skinny white dude at Dairy Queen said black cow, how was we supposed to know he was ordering a rootbeer float?"
New allegations of torture surfaced when several Taliban detainees were discovered shackled in the ladies' restroom at Queen Shaniqua's Chicken Shack.
In this case, food stamp is short for food stampede.
Best of jeff
The moments of bliss before running into Southwest Airlines "you take two seats, you pay for two seats" policy.
Little did they realize that their numbers indicated their estimated weight.
Best of andthenblammo!
"Hell, we didn't know that free tickets to the 'Richard Simmons' show meant we'd have to watch some frizzy-haired twinkletoes yap at us about losing weight. So we ate him."
Best of attmay
The casting call to play Shirley the waitress in "What's Happening: The Movie"
Best of nevergrewup
Auditions to find the real life pole dancer who rescues "Chef" of "Southpark" from pedophilia take place today.
Best of radio free fred
"This New Chicken Flavored Lipstick Is Really Good!
Best of Son Of The Godfather
Hints From Heloise #57: It's always a good idea to re-apply lipstick after devouring the entire contents of a vending machine.
And, I lost track of who sent this to me, but it seems like something Brenda would send. I have been half-assing the credits lately, and I apologize for that, but I've got a lot on my mind.