Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Meanwhile, Back at Wally-World

1. Every year, thousands of these adorable little guys get abandoned at shopping centers all across the country. Please spay or neuter your slacker.

2. A member of San Francisco High's "Future Homeless of America" chapter learns how to pick out a shopping cart.

3. When the Utah Jazz won the NBA title, the subsequent looting was polite and well-organized.

4. A few minutes after this picture was taken, the trespasser got pounded into unconsciousness by a giant floating smiley face.

5. "Excuse me, sir. I have 15 items and I really have to use the 10-items-or-less line, so if you'll do me one small favor, I will provide you with any sick pleasure your mind can devise."

6. "Dang it, Dakota, I told you we can't afford no fancy name-brand beer. Now, quit yer poutin' and git in the truck."

7. Despite its scholarly sociological articles and helpful tips on shoplifting basic necessities, Teenage Runaway Monthly's commercial success was only because it was so often mistaken for a stroke mag.

8. Worst part about Spring Break at Wal-Mart? The unbelievably low standards of the Girls Gone Wild camera crews.

9. "They won't sell me condoms, but a carton of cigs was no problem. It's weird living in Kentucky."

10. Linus's subsequent killing spree was traced to his rage that Wal-Mart had built a SuperCenter on his beloved childhood pumpkin patch.

Best of jeff
"I can't believe it - they'll hire some 80 year old apple doll, but I can't even get hired for the greeter position."

Joel was surprised at the attention given him for being the only person ever to correctly return a cart at Wal-Mart.

Best of Critical Matt
Josh waited for 40 hours in the store after hearing the new Star Wars action figures would shipped.

Best of Prince o' Leaves
Jared lost another hundred pounds after ditching Subway and adopting a Freegan™ lifestyle.

Best of Rodney Dill
He knew all he had to do was wait, the rest of the SuperHeroes were sure to arrive.

Ted took his job to keeping illegal immigrants from leaving Wal*Mart and entering the US seriously.

Best of radio free fred
Harry Head Survives Horrible Accident.

"Baise Le Cart!"

Best of Submariner
I'm living proof that Wally-World needs to sell the "morning after" pill.

What you lookin' at Willis?

Leave a stupid toddler in your cart and you might return to a similar sight 16 years later...

Best of Mr. Right
Gary was bummed after mixing up the dates on his DU protest calendar: "This sucks! I should be screaming, 'Down with Bushitler' over at the VFW Hall on Maple Street with Cindy Sheehan right now, but I'm stuck here until my Mom picks me up again at 3:30!"

Best of sonicfrog
OK. So you can now buy lazy white men at Wal-Mart. But what would I do with one of those? I mean what are they good for???


Photo: Mary Chind, the Des Moines Register

22 comments:

jeff said...

"I can't believe it - they'll hire some 80 year old raisin, but I can't even get hired for the greeter position."

"They tell me one of the Vice President's of Wal-Mart worked his way up from stockboy. What do you think my chances are at CEO in two years?"

jeff said...

Joel was surprised at the attention given him for being the only person ever to correctly return a cart at Wal-Mart.

Critical Matt said...

Josh waited for 40 hours in the store after hearing the new Star Wars action figures would shipped.

Critical Matt said...

Hey, it's better than a Sav-Mor...

radio free fred said...

"Head Of Cart Cartel Arrested"

ThatGayConservative said...

"We can get together --once in a while, way the hell out in the middle of the condiment aisle... "

Anonymous said...

Jared lost another hundred pounds after ditching Subway and adopting a Freegan™ lifestyle.

prince of leaves said...

[er, that last anonymous post was me]

Rodney Dill said...

He knew all he had to do was wait, the rest of the SuperHeroes were sure to arrive.

Rodney Dill said...

Ted took his job to keeping illegal immigrants from leaving Wal*Mart and entering the US seriously.

The Man said...

Dumbass: Aisle 3

The Man said...

The worst part of staying in Wal-Mart over spring break: Dealing with the daily flirtations from the Wal-Mart bagger named Andrew Sullivan.

radio free fred said...

Harry Head Survives Horrible Accident.

radio free fred said...

"Some Days Ya Just Can't Get A Full Body Workout."

Submariner said...

I'm living proof that Wally-World needs to sell the "morning after" pill.

Mr. Right said...

Gary was bummed after mixing up the dates on his DU protest calendar: "This sucks! I should be screaming, 'Down with Bushitler' over at the VFW Hall on Maple Street with Cindy Sheehan right now, but I'm stuck here until my Mom picks me up again at 3:30!"

Submariner said...

What you lookin' at Willis?

Submariner said...

I'm not a happy camper - V. promised me I'd be a "Thursday Hot Babe" if he could use my picture...

radio free fred said...

"Baie Le Cart!"

Submariner said...

Leave a stupid toddler in your cart and you might return to a similar sight 16 years later...

Fish-Lips said...

"Hey man, I am categorically NOT just a post-hippie post-punkoid! I happen to be a TRUE slacker!"

sonicfrog said...

OK. So you can now buy lazy white men at Wal-Mart. But what would I do with one of those? I mean what are they good for???