1. "Shall I put this pedicure on your FEMA Card, Latrina?" "What do you think, Velvita?"
2. "And so I told him, 'No way, Tyrone. I poop from there.'"
3. "Thank God Barbara Billingsley showed up to translate, or we'd a been there the whole damn day."
4. This could be the set-up for the world's most disturbing adult video.
5. "And now, Mistress Shaqique commands you to clean them with your tongue, worm."
6. "And then, while I was completing my doctoral dissertation on the properties of Bose-Einstein condensates in super-cooled Helium, I figured out how to use cold fusion to provide cheap, clean unlimited energy to the human race." There, Dawn! Are you freakin' happy now?
7. "Laser Straight lets you hang pictures like a pro my ass."
8. "Girl, you have GOT to shave those legs! You look like you got a poodle humping your calf!"
9. The scene that had to be cut from Barbershop to avoid an NC-17 rating.
10. "I wish gay men would stop appropriating our mannerisms."
Best of Cybrludite
Making fun of ladies stuck with stupid sounding names because they were trendy 25 years ago. Nice. Read their story. Educate yourselves, morons.
Then there were the lesbian couple's three adopted sons: Orangelo, Limongelo, and Shi-thead. (The less said about their adopted daughter S'Phylis, the better.)
How to speak N'Awlins: Great-Grandmothers
Best of Divine miss M
"So then she says to me, '...But Jack Daniels ain't no soda pop, it's a hard liquor!' and I go, 'Yep, just like my Leroy!' "
Best of David Simon
LaVitra and Chiquita enjoy a friendly game of This Little Piggy.
From the moment he walked through the door, Tyrone could tell that he hadn't hidden the Colt 45 well enough.
Best of Submariner
Melba, I don't quite know how to tell you this, but from the looks of your foot you got Michael Jackson disease. It starts with you turning white and then you develop a sexual preference for McCauley Culkin...
So Janet asks for a bikini wax and I'll be damned! Turns out she and Micheal really ARE the same person...
Laaaaawd, chile! I've seen bad cases of the "funky foot" before but I ain't never seen one growing mold like this!
Best of T. Harris
"Lawwwwd, have mercy! I can't wait to see the look on Queen Latifah's face when she walks in here and sees I got me a new bitch."
Best of Lyn
So you put your right foot in and you shook it all about?
From the WaPo's Best of 2005 series, linked elsewhere, fair use, standard disclaimers apply.