Tuesday, March 21, 2006

And Then There was a Wet Splat as Dawn's Head Exploded

1. "Shall I put this pedicure on your FEMA Card, Latrina?" "What do you think, Velvita?"

2. "And so I told him, 'No way, Tyrone. I poop from there.'"

3. "Thank God Barbara Billingsley showed up to translate, or we'd a been there the whole damn day."

4. This could be the set-up for the world's most disturbing adult video.

5. "And now, Mistress Shaqique commands you to clean them with your tongue, worm."

6. "And then, while I was completing my doctoral dissertation on the properties of Bose-Einstein condensates in super-cooled Helium, I figured out how to use cold fusion to provide cheap, clean unlimited energy to the human race." There, Dawn! Are you freakin' happy now?

7. "Laser Straight lets you hang pictures like a pro my ass."

8. "Girl, you have GOT to shave those legs! You look like you got a poodle humping your calf!"

9. The scene that had to be cut from Barbershop to avoid an NC-17 rating.

10. "I wish gay men would stop appropriating our mannerisms."

Best of Cybrludite
Making fun of ladies stuck with stupid sounding names because they were trendy 25 years ago. Nice. Read their story. Educate yourselves, morons.

Then there were the lesbian couple's three adopted sons: Orangelo, Limongelo, and Shi-thead. (The less said about their adopted daughter S'Phylis, the better.)

How to speak N'Awlins: Great-Grandmothers

Best of Divine miss M
"So then she says to me, '...But Jack Daniels ain't no soda pop, it's a hard liquor!' and I go, 'Yep, just like my Leroy!' "

Best of David Simon
LaVitra and Chiquita enjoy a friendly game of This Little Piggy.

From the moment he walked through the door, Tyrone could tell that he hadn't hidden the Colt 45 well enough.

Best of Submariner
Melba, I don't quite know how to tell you this, but from the looks of your foot you got Michael Jackson disease. It starts with you turning white and then you develop a sexual preference for McCauley Culkin...

So Janet asks for a bikini wax and I'll be damned! Turns out she and Micheal really ARE the same person...

Laaaaawd, chile! I've seen bad cases of the "funky foot" before but I ain't never seen one growing mold like this!

Best of T. Harris
"Lawwwwd, have mercy! I can't wait to see the look on Queen Latifah's face when she walks in here and sees I got me a new bitch."

Best of Lyn
So you put your right foot in and you shook it all about?

From the WaPo's Best of 2005 series, linked elsewhere, fair use, standard disclaimers apply.

23 comments:

Cybrludite said...

Making fun of ladies stuck with stupid sounding names because they were trendy 25 years ago. Nice. Read their story. Educate yourselves, morons.

Cybrludite said...

Then there were the lesbian couple's three adopted sons: Orangelo, Limongelo, and Shi-thead. (The less said about their adopted daughter S'Phylis, the better.)

Since we're going to get kvetched out over the names thing anyhow...

Cybrludite said...

How to speak N'Awlins: Great-Grandmothers

divine miss M said...

"So then she says to me, '...But Jack Daniels ain't no soda pop, it's a hard liquor!' and I go, 'Yep, just like my Leroy!' "

David Simon said...

LaVitra and Chiquita enjoy a friendly game of This Little Piggy.

Rodney Dill said...

Not everybody can be a Rocket Scientist

The Man said...

Cybrludite gets a rubdown.

Submariner said...

Melba, I don't quite know how to tell you this, but from the looks of your foot you got Michael Jackson disease. It starts with you turning white and then you develop a sexual preference for McCauley Culkin...

Submariner said...

So I says to him, "If you doesn't likes my Broccoli picture Mr. Pres'dent, you can just take your monkey-toes business elsewheres!"

Submariner said...

Yeah, I think that LeTourneau lady got it right! I'm getting me a couple of Jr High boys to train up for my please too!

Submariner said...

So Janet asks for a bikini wax and I'll be damned! Turns out she and Micheal really ARE the same person...

David Simon said...

From the moment he walked through the door, Tyrone could tell that he hadn't hidden the Colt 45 well enough.

T. Harris said...

"Lawwwwd, have mercy! I can't wait to see the look on Queen Latifah's face when she walks in here and sees I got me a new bitch."

T. Harris said...

Upon further review, I believe the one on the left is cryin'.

Submariner said...

Laaaaawd, chile! I've seen bad cases of the "funky foot" before but I ain't never seen one growing mold like this!

Submariner said...

Like the new vibrator, eh? I installed it for my special clients...

nevergrewup said...

"You did what to the Pillsbury Doughboy"?

Jonathan said...

"And this little piggy cried 'Wee-wee-wee!', all the way home!"

Submariner said...

So ORA I'll just give it to you (Harvey 1950):

"As I was going down to the taxi cab to get Elwood's things, this awful man stepped out. He was a white slaver, I know he was. He was wearing one of those white suits (that's how they advertise)."

Lyn said...

So you put your right foot in and you shook it all about?

Lyn said...

Can you feel me now?

Lyn said...

Possible Song Titles:
Leann Rimes: "You Light Up My Foot."
Kenny Rogers: "You Decorated My Foot"
Sonny & Cher: "I've Got You, Foot"

Submariner said...

So jes grab that l'il toe likes this and "Big Leroy" will do anything you tell 'im.