1. Well, now I know one thing I *wouldn't* do for a Klondike bar.
2. I'll take "Glimpses into Andrew Sullivan's subconscious for $400, Alex."
3. To get the total Enumclaw experience, you have to lodge a trout in your rectum and wait for a bald eagle to pass by.
4. Putting Howard Stern in charge of the Olympic torch lighting ceremony proved to be one of the worst mistakes ever.
5. The conservative right assumes its usual position as Bush outlines his plans for domestic spending and immigration policy.
6. Fair Warning: In Alabama and Utah, posting a caption to this photo will get you put on the Registered Sex Offender List.
7. On Kurt Cobain's birthday, let us remember the high school soccer incident that inspired "Smells Like Teen Spirit."
8. I didn't know soccer had wide receivers.
9. People Unclear on the Concept of 'Duck, Duck, Goose.'
10. "Sorry, left foot Blue. My bad."
11. ORA --- If Jim Carrey starts climbing out of his ass, I am *so* outta here.
12. After the Swedish Soccer League initiated a new spanking policy, fouls rose 300%.
13. The closing ceremonies at Turin feature a tribute to Johnny Weir.
14. ... And don't it make my brown eye, don't it make my brown eye, don't it make my brown eye blue...
Best of Rodney Dill
"Kobe, I'm open!"
Confucius say, player who turn upside down, have crack-up
Best of Divine Miss M
Adds a whole new dimension to "drop and give me 50."
"Thank you Sir, may I have another?"
Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"Dammit, Pelé! I wish I knew how to quit you!"
Best of David Simon
The Dutch soccer team was quickly admonished that celebratory rimming would not be tolerated at the Olympics.
"I told you, the mouth and the armpit don't give accurate readings. Now stop being such a baby."
Best of Dan
The soccer team's explanation of the "Here is the Church, here is the steeple" metaphor goes horribly wrong.
Best of Van Helsing
A new Olympic record was set when he managed to hold the soccer ball aloft on a blast of continuous flatulence for 43 seconds.
Best of Submariner
The Ref drew the red card. Not for public indecency, but because Chauncy's mid back tattoo read "Insert Elton John Here ▼"
Chauncy, I don't think that's what they mean when they say "Bend it like Beckham."
Caution - open manhole ahead
Best of Six Degrees of Blondness
"Now let's you just drop them pants. Just take 'em right off!"
Hat Tip: Denver Pyle Original source unknown, but standard disclaimer and fair use whatchamajigger apply.