Sunday, February 12, 2006

Super Trooper

1. Trooper Dan never went anywhere without his trusty Afghan hound.

2. ORA --- "What the hell is that guy stuffing into that wood chipper?"

3. Trooper Dan pulls over every car he sees with a Green Party, Kucinich-04, or DailyKos bumper sticker. Trooper Dan leads his unit in annual marijuana busts.

4. "Heh-Heh-Heh. Heh-Heh-Heh. That thing on his hood says 'pots.' Heh-Heh-Heh."

5. "Dispatch, I got an African-American male doing 120 on I-96, muttering something about a 'ditch witch' and 'never be clean again.' Recommend Psych unit stand by."

6. "That Al Gore kid sure is a lippy son-of-a-bitch. I sure hope he enjoys sharing a cell with Luis the Satan-Worshipping Cannibal Rapist."

7. It always freaked out drunk drivers when Trooper Dan moonwalked over to their vehicle.

8. You could use a lot of words to describe Trooper Dan, but "Princessy" is not one of them.

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15 comments:

andthenblammo! said...

"This is Trooper 17-5, at the Farm Market. Just had to taser some guy who wouldn't stop rolling naked in the zuchinni bin. Run the name 'Andrew Sullivan' for me, would ya?"

Rodney Dill said...

"Ya der hey"

divine miss M said...

Nobody ever figured out that the rash of mischevious notes on people's windshields were actually put there by a drunk, off-duty trooper: "This is not a parking ticket, but if it were within my power, you would receive two. Because of your bullheaded, inconsiderate attempt at parking, you have taken enough room for a 20-mule team, a safari of pygmies, and an elephant from the African interior. Besides, I don't like domineering, egotistical, or simpleminded drivers, and you probably fit into one of these categories. I sign off wishing you transmission failure on the expressway at about 4:3-. Also, may the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits."

Jonathan h said...

ORA?
"The Snausberries taste like Snausberries!"

catbat said...

trooper dan saw no reason to show resistance when wisconsin showed up to annex the u.p., and in fact booked the yoopers to play at the local vfw celebratory party. then we drank beer and he told me he thinks favre'll be back in the fall.

Jonathan said...

"Dammit, Trooper Dan, will you knock off that fake 'Yah!' crap already?! It was creepy in 'Fargo', and it's still creepy!"

T. Harris said...

Sgt. Randy "T-bone" Tillson paid little heed to the cracks of his fellow officers. He loved his new crash bumper and could hardly wait to ram some low-life into submission.

"Dammit Leo, turn that flasher off! You promised not to screw with the switches if I went in for the doughnuts."

Submariner said...

ORA:

♫There's a star on my car and one on my chest...♫

Submariner said...

I don't think they'll find Levin there...

Submariner said...

Damn Pittsburghers and Seattle-ites! I'm covered in Pirogi and Starbuck's stains from the after-the-stupor-bowl food fight.

Submariner said...

No, Kathleen; that doesn't turn my patrol car into "northern Michigan's finest's" rolling bordello...

Submariner said...

RrrrrrrrOX-anne! You don't have to turn on your red light.♪

Submariner said...

"OK, I'm in position. Flip the RADAR to Downpour/Full Power."
Trooper Dan self-vasectomizes.

Submariner said...

ORA:

>CLICK!< "Drop that stereo before I blow your nuts off, asshole!"

"Tackleberry, we really need to talk."

David Simon said...

Andrew Sullivan of Provincetown was driving to Saugatuck when a squad car pulled him over. Little did he know that the "arrest" had been arranged by his boyfriend. "All of a sudden the red light went on, "It's Raining Men" pounded from the car stereo and Trooper Dan began to unzip. It was the best birthday present ever!"