Saturday, January 14, 2006

Wholesome Americana Weekend May Be Delayed in Your Area Due to Cable Outage

1. "Considering I'm into my seventh month carrying your demon-spawn, I'd plan on buying about 6,000 boxes of Cartwheels if I were you."

2. "Okay, now that we've done the Menage-a-Girl-Scout fantasy, it's our turn. Put on the plushie bulldog suit."

3. "Oh, I don't know if I should, girls. You know what they say, a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips!" Parents felt safe leaving their girls with Mr. Butterman, but only their girls.

4. "Real frackin' hilarious filling the prop-bag with dog-shite. I swear to God, I'm going to break into your homes and smash your freakin' skulls with an axe-handle."

5. "Yeah, that 'Do you have Oreos?' joke just gets funnier every year, Mr. Mayor. However, I think it lacks the ironic edge of my annual joke of pissing on your 'Thanks-a-lots.'"

6. "I never thought about it that way, but you are right. Our logo really is deeply lesbionic."

7. "Hurry up and take the damn picture! My contractions are starting!"

8. "Get out of my gawdamm light! Where are my gawdamm Pecan Sandies! I will scratch your gawdamm eyes out." Lindsey was well on her way to earning her 'Diva' merit badge.

9. "No, I was never in Girl Scouts, but I once ate a Brownie."

10. "Oh, sure, when you need to sell a few more boxes of Thin Mints and Peanut Butter Patties it's all giggles and flirtatious glances and 'who cares about restraining orders...'"

From the home of the shiny green suit.

19 comments:

Rodney Dill said...

"Are they make with real Girl Scouts?"
(ref: Adams Family movie)

Rodney Dill said...

"It's perfectly for us to walk the streets selling these. It's not like Michael Jackson is going to bother us."

catbat said...

"let's see... sewing, campfire building, swimming... is that one anarchy? well, i didn't know they offered that badge, jenny."

catbat said...

the girl scouts are getting too liberal. i don't remember being able to tout gay pride badges when i was brownie.

ColoradoPatriot said...

"And this one I got for Dirty Old Man Hand-Jobs."

Submariner said...

Little known factoids:

Lindsey Lohan was a Girl Scout. In fact, the "Binge and Purge" badge is what gave her the impetus to her current career kigh/low lights.

Submariner said...

These styrofoam cookies, our Girl Scout See BS'ers, are one of our biggest sellers in "blue states" because they're fake, but accurate.

Submariner said...

Actually, when I grow up I want to have Donald Trump by the cojones, just like I have yours in my left hand, Mr. Mayor. Why?

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Well no, I don't believe letting young girls hawk cookies is a 'sweatshop' scenario... I mean they are mostly outdoors!"

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Buy your cookies now, before the ACLU comes after us too."

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Pssst, hey kid! You wanna win the contest and that badge thing? Head on over to Snoop Dog's pad at 4:20PM with a truckload of peanut-butter yummies!"

OORANOS said...

Have a good time

AM42 said...

V the K

This photo of Iran's President definitely has some good captioning potential, IMHO.

Prough91 said...

The mayor loved it when the girl scouts put their hands on his bag.

Cybrludite said...

(l to r) Susie, her dad, and her daughter/sister, Mary.

Submariner said...

That certificate on the shelf? Just my "Meghan's Law" program release diploma, don't worry about it...

Cybr - "... her daughter/sister Mary..." Classic!

Submariner said...

And if I can find an orange-headed kid in a Jack-o-lantern t-shirt, I can get my Obscure Americana Sightings badge.

Submariner said...

Tonight on E! Biographies - Hillary Rodham Clinton:

After she was able to extort $25K from the Mayor for his groping, Hillary's path into politics by way of a law degree was set. What happened to her sales partner, Virginia Foster, was an eery foreshadowing of allegations to come.

Submariner said...

Favorite Badge, Governor?
I'd say when I earned my Pranks bag by filling one of these with doggie doo, putting it on Murtha's porch, lighting it on fire, ringing his doorbell, and then capturing it all on videotape for Fox News...