1. "Well, with your coloring, I'd go with the teal body stocking, but red is also good."
2. Mary Kaye LeTourneau sizes up another prospect.
3. "I appreciate your interest in your daughter's happiness, but you'll just have to take my word for it. There's plenty down there to keep her satisfied."
4. "Oh, don't worry about holding 'em in, I've been farted on lots of times."
5. "Sorry, Jeff, but you gotta be at least this big to ride the Wild Linda"
6. "No, trust me, this will work better and won't leave scratches on the bedposts."
7. Mrs. Wilson's sex-ed class covers auto-erotic asphyxiation.
8. "We gotta make sure the sleeves are long enough to cover your 'Gay Pride' tattoo."
9. Jeff survives the humiliation by composing another teen-angst poem for his journal. Jeff has a very large journal.
10. "Well, I may not be as young and supple as I once was, but, c'mon Jeffy. Do you really want to be the only 17 year old virgin at this school?"
No actual wholesome small-town Americans were harmed in the fair, legitimate, satirical use of this photo.