Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Bring on the Spike

1. Trouble breaks out at the 12 noon 'Parade of Skanks' at the Bill Clinton Presidential Library.

2. "I'll take 'Dreams Hillary Clinton has had for $200' Alex."

3. "No, thanks, I prefer swarthy terrorists in leather hoods getting spanked," Andrew Sullivan wrote back to the emailer. "Cross dressing is more Barney Frank's thing."

4. "Naughty, bad Zoot!"

5. "Heil Pert, Ripe Buttocks!"

6. "Out of her ass, vile demons! The power of Christ compels you!"

7. "You killed the John's monkey and stole his hat! Bad girl! Naughty, naughty bad girl!"

8. "I'm sorry madame, but jeans and trucker caps violate the 'Applebee's' dress code."

9. Ricky Martin is thinking, "I should get an Oscar for pretending that this is more arousing than smooth Arab boys."

10. The captioner figures as long as he posts stuff like this, the readers won't care how swigging Robitussin from the bottle and zoning on Sudafed is affecting his captioning.

It worked for Ex-Donkey Blog

"I'll take... Dreams Andrew Sullivan Has Had" for $100, Alex

1. "Oh, look everyone! Lucas is Jewish!"

2. Even though he had no interest in sports, Lucas's brother Brucie was also known as a wide receiver and frequently assumed the same position.

3. Lucas was not known for post-touchdown showboating, but did appreciate a good, stern spanking.

4. "I'm crushing your head! I'm crushing your head! I'm crushing your head!"

5. "... M... C.. A...! It's fun to stay at the..."

6. "Oh, yeah, I am totally pulling his finger!"

7. What you're thinking. "Make a wish!" What Andrew Sullivan is thinking. "This is my wish."

8. "Hey, looks like we beat the spread. Speaking of beatings and spreads, what are you doing later, Homes?"

9. "OK, Lucas, on the next play, you confuse the receiver by breakdancing. OK On three!"

10. Moments later, the unmistabkle outline of a gerbil appeared in Lucas's spandex.

Divine Miss M thought I could do an all Andrew Sullivan set on this picture, but... n-a-a-a-a-a-h.

Welcome to Camp Howard Dean

1. "It's step-turn-kick, step-turn-kick, step-turn-step, and flair! Where the hell did you turds learn choereography!"

2. "My name is Sergeant Fletcher. NOT Sgt. Feltcher! And the next one of you turds who makes that mistake will feltch my boot out of his ass!"

3. "I want this latrine so clean I can eat my lunch off of it... because I intend to!"

4. "Which one of you turds deleted PowerPuff Girls from my TiVo?"

5. "What is so funny about me wanting to stare at my privates?"

6. "Do YOU have a PROBLEM with my CULOTTES, Turd?"

Best of Van Helsing
"I see a booger! Your nose does not pass inspection! That will be 50 pushups! And I'll eat the booger!"

Best of Divine Miss M
"Pearls with fatigues?! Are you mad, Private?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Does this look like a canker sore to you?"

"And the next time you're caught with a heated-bra mannequin in the latrine, you'll be doing push-ups until Michael Moore is thin and Alec Baldwin is coherent, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"I fail to see the humor in my announcing the guest speakers here today: Major Woody and Private Partz!"

Best of Occasional Reader
Why the USMC doesn't allow Drill Instructors to train their own brothers: "DOES THIS BOTHER YOU?! DOES THIS BOTHER YOU, PUKE?! I'M NOT TOUCHING YOU! DOES THIS BOTHER YOU?!"

Best of Vonski
"No, private! I will not preemptively bless you before you sneeze! That's not the way it works... first you sneeze and THEN you get blessed. Got it, son?!"

Best of Submariner
"You aren't half the man that Demi Moore is, are you grunt?" "Sir, yes sir! I mean, Sir! NO Sir! Aw sh!t - what's the right answer to THAT question?"

"You just can't wait to leave my Army, sit in a bus depot and have dogs lick you face and other parts, can you, puke?"

Best of Mr. Right
And if you EVER touch my Barbie Doll collection again...

"Does it feel good when I rub you there, maggot? You will not finish until I tell you to finish! Is that clear?" "Yes, Sgt. Sullivan, Sir!"

I got it from Yahoo News/Shannon Stapleton/Reuters (Captioning will be light today. I have one mother of a cold. Please pick up the slack.)

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Am I Low Enough to Mock the Homeless?

1. ORA: Duke Cunningham would later blame his troubles on "this terrible, awful Negro."

2. "Let's see.... I got enough spare change to buy crystal meth, or go to Cindy Sheehan's book signing. Decisions, decisions."

3. Possible answer to the question "Whatever happened to Denny Terrio?"

4. So, how's that degree in Radical Poetry from Evergreen State workin' for ya?

5. "Oh, God, why did PETA have to take over the Thankgiving Soup Kitchen. That tofurkey crap is giving me one mother of a bowel obstruction."

6. "Spare Change! Hey, I used to be the anchor of the CBS Evening News! Spare Change!"

7. "Whoa... where the Hell am I? Last thing I remember was taking some X at a Rave in Phoenix... in 1997."

I Got It From: Knowledge Is Power

Monday, November 28, 2005

Posts Involving Scantily Clad Women Will Continue As Long As the Spikes in Unique Visits Do

1. Most fans cite the revelation that the Korean chick was actually a fembot lingerie model as the precise moment Lost jumped the shark.

2. "No, Mishiko, that's not Nancy Pelosi... for one thing, it's far too lifelike."

3. Um... 'Me love you long time?'

4. Fur-lined heated bras... the perfect gift for the Minneapolis-based Lesbian on your Christmas list.

5. I don't know about you, but I sure as heck am thinking 'stocking stuffer' and NOT in a decent way.

6. "Very good, Mishiko. Now, where else did Mrs. Clinton touch you?"

7. "Why were we kidnapped? Why are we trapped in Boyfinger's Laboratory? What could possibly be his evil plans for us?"

8. Admit it, this beats the Hell out of watching Giant Pandas at the National Zoo.

9. That's What I want for Christmas. A nice, fuzzy "Tickle Me Kiko."

10. On the scale of world importance, Japanese lingerie models in fuzzy bras are, in fact, more important than the collapse of the Canadian government.

Best of Sonic Frog
With the help of her lovely assistant Kiko, Theresa Heinz-Kerry demonstrates just how successful her latest round of plastic surgery has been.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Why do I have a strange craving for warm milk all of a sudden?

Photographer #1: "What a grueling assignment! I just got back from Crawford where it was just me, this other guy, and Cindy for the entire day... What was your assignment?" Photographer #2: "Uhm... Nothing..."

Best of Submariner
There is absolutely no truth to the rumor - I did not have sex in the White House with that chunk of wood! (And not with the mannekin, either.) W.J. Clinton

"Dammit, Shelley Long, I told you not to look back at Sodom and Gamorrah!"

Best of Van Helsing
It looks like Senator Clinton's ex-mistress left her for someone with a warmer personality.

From MSNBC on a tip from LGF's Adie

Law and Order: Genocidal Dictators Unit

1. "Dang, I thought I was a drama queen, but Sam Waterston chews scenery like Michael Moore chews McRibs."

2. "My legal team and I plead absolutely, 100% not guilty to the charge of stealing tablecloths from Mama Lucia's Italian Cafe."

3. "I'm out of order! You're out of order! The Whole System is out of order! The candy machine by the elevator is out of order!"

4. "... and I want it read into the record that this beard makes me look exactly like Burt Reynolds in Boogie Nights."

5. "... and I demand that spectators stop throwing rings at my counsel's head! This is a trial, not a midway game!"

6. "... and if you do not find me innocent, I will have all of you thrown into plastic shredders!" With those words, Saddam concluded what CNN would call "a forceful and defiant opening statement."

7. "Aggravated Saddam-y... what the Hell kind of charge is... It's what? ... Never mind."

8. The turning point in the trial proved to be when Saddam got Dottie Hinkle to break down and spew obscenities from the Witness stand. (ORA-?)

Best of Vonski
"Oh, you like my pocket square? Thanks! Actually, it's a pair of panties Cindy Sheehan wore once and sent to me as a show of 'solidarity'."

Best of jeanne
If Little Miss Muffet can kill Kurds, why can't I?

Best of AlphaMu42
"I am not going to pay a lot for this muffler!"

Best of bubbalove
"...and then I convinced Satan that I had changed and the fool had sex with me again! Hahahaaa! And then..and then I killed Kenny, and another kid called me a bastard, and some fat kid yelled 'Barbra Streisand' and zapped me with energy, HAHAHA"

Best of joyce
"I must protest...the American dogs only gave me enough hair dye to cover my head. But what about my BEARD? What about my BEARD!!!!"

Best of Cybrludite
Saddam: Ok, which one of my defense lawyers just goosed me? I want him shot immediately!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I request that the press not publish or manipulate private notes I write to my counsel... including requests to go pee-pee."

ORA: "There's money in the banana stand."

Things to do when you're bored: Scroll your mouse over the picture and there's a little hand icon... Now you are free to pick Saddam's nose.

Best of Submariner
ORA: I have two sides fighting within me. The good Saddam says take the oscar, blow kisses to the crowd and leave. The bad Saddam says ... Aw crap. Let's just blame the Americans and send Shi'ites to the shredder for old times' sake?

"Woooo! You are one good-lookin' judge, yesiree!... Now, I'm not gay or anything, but you sir, are one handsome fella!... You know, I saw your robe open up just a little bit when you came out here and WHOA!... Well, let's just say now I know why they call you the 'hangin' judge'!

Best of Occasional Reader
"Now, you all may be wondering why I brought my Collector's Edition of The Hobbit to the trial today..."

Source: FoxNews

Moonbat, Thunder Thighs, and an Empty Room

1. In retroscpect, it was probably a mistake to limit the audience to sane and normal members of the Peace Movement.

2. The crowd would have been bigger, but they were all at the Crawford Wal-Mart rioting over ninety-nine cent patchouli.

3. "Actually, Mother Sheehan, those aren't AP photographers. The Dexatrim Corporation wanted photos of your thighs for research purposes. Hence, the wide-angle lens."

4. "I'm so bored. Anybody got a lighter so I can light up that flag?"

5. "Dammit! Al Franken promised the entire Air America listening audience would show up for my signing! Where are they?"

6. "Agence-France Press? No ma'am, we're here from Dark Meat Monthly, it's fetish mag for men who are into thunder thighs."

7. "Okay, next time I'll shower before the book signing."

8. Cindy Sheehan's Mad-Libs are always the same: "A BushHitler is always fun to visit on a hot summer BushHitler. There are lots of BushHitlery things to eat. You can start off with a hot dog with mustard, relish, and BushHitlers. Then, it's time to go on the roller coaster, which should settle your BushHitler. Other amusement park rides are the Dodge-Em which has little BushHitlers, that you drive and run into other BushHitlers, and the Merry-Go-Round where you can sit on a big BushHitler and try to grab the gold BushHitler as you ride past."

1. Look at those skinny little white pens. Damn, I miss Reverend Al.

2. I bet I could do some killer lines on this table.

3. "Sharpies are pretty good, but airplane glue, that's your Lexus of all inhalants."

4. The bar graph of the declining number of people who give a sh*t about Cindy Sheehan was a particularly cruel touch.

5. Cindy Sheehan:Not One More Mother's Child, Chapter One: "I resolved to end the love affair with Revered Al tonight . . . summarily, like Martha Stewart ripping the sand vein out of a shrimp's tail . . . though the term "love affair" now struck me as a ridiculous euphemism . . . not unlike "sand vein," which is after all an intestine, not a vein . . . and that tarry substance inside certainly isn't sand . . . and that brought me back to Reverend Al."

Best of lawhawk
Damn, where's my assistant with the the frickin' Cheetos. And my Evian water. And my M&Ms, with the green ones picked out. Those give me the willies.

Best of sonicfrog
Cindy Sheehan. Meet Andy Worhol.

Best of evariste
"Rove's did what?!" "Enormous 'Job Fair & Free Shower' banners, you say?"

Best of The Man
Is someone serving yellowcake at this party?

Best of Submariner
I haven't seen crowds like this since the second night of Gigli!

Nothin, nothin... Just kicking back, workin up a yeast infection. You?

Actually, this has been the quietest stay on my adventure! How I long for the chatter and exuberance of the ANWAR! Your travelogue photographer, -- The Roving Gnome

Best of AlphaMu42
Reporters to Cindy: "We were told there would be punch and pie..."

Best of TC Lynch
"I'll sign your Willy for a Finn ... No, wait...come back!"

Best of Anonymous
"Nobody knows, the trouble I haven't seen, nobody knows my sorrow..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Cindy was warned that any competing news of even moderate interest would affect the turnout... "F*ck you, George Takei!", she thought to herself.

Just outside the tent entrance: Nelson Muntz: "HA HA!"

Jean-Paul Sartre: "Hell is other people." Cindy Sheehan: "Where the hell are all the other people?"

Hat Tip: Sweetness and Light

Friday, November 25, 2005

The Puppies of War

1. "Come on, just a little closer and we'll have meat tonight!"

2. Hell pretty much sucks, but at least Cerberus's puppies are cute.

3. "Yeah, they are cute and all, but shouldn't we be getting to the stoning? After all, he did say 'Jehovah.'"

4. "No, no, look behind the puppies. Isn't that the Mars rover?"

5. ORA -- "Hey, look, apparently the Crystalline Entity spared these puppies!"

6. "Hey, look it's Zarqawi! We can finally nail his sorry... awwww, cute puppies."

7. "All right, let's round 'em up and get 'em back into that holding pen behind the Korean Unit's kitchen tent."

8. "Hurry up and lasso one. Cheney's getting pretty hungry."

Best of AlphaMu42
Okay Bob, we're going to try for a field goal... hand me another puppy.

Well, we're going to need 97 more of these little guys for Senator Clinton's new suit, but at least we can get started.

Best of Rodney Dill
"These are not the Dingo's we're looking for..."

Best of Submariner
Be very careful, Dave; rumor has it these pups took out the Vorpal Bunny...

C'mon boys. Pick up the scent. We're in need of the services of a smelly pirate hooker!

Atriedes footsoldiers found they had fewer casualties when sending dogs ahead of them in the sand flats...

From a series in Stars and Stripes of photos taken by our brave, amazing soldiers in Iraq.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Happy Thanksgiving

1. Michael Moore's personal chef hopes this year he has enough turkeys to avoid last year's flatulent beatdown.

2. Just to annoy the PETA-vegans next door, Aaron celebrates Thanksgiving by throwing 22 turkeys into a cage filled with starving rottweilers.

3. This year, millions of unsuspecting Christians will sit down to Thanksgiving dinner, unaware that the blood of the main entree was offered as a sacrifice to Satan --- Intro to: Ungodly Profits: The Evil Secret Behind Butterball.

4. "Oh, yeah, that breast feels real nice. Plump. Full. Ripe....Um, supervisor, we'll be in the break room."

5. "Hello, Bob's voodoo supplies... Hold on, let me see what have in the back."

6. Aaron puts the 'Butterball Hotline' caller on hold and prepares to answer her question: "Do Turkey Heads Go 'Pop' When You Hit Them With A Mallet!"

7. "It's okay, my friend. Just let me know what the others are plotting, and you can avoid your appointment with Mr. Stun Tank."

8. Al Qaeda's plot to cause mayhem by dropping live turkeys on a shopping mall only succeeding in reminding people of a classic WKRP in Cincinnati episode.

9. Aaron could not look at a turkey without thinking of the "double-vaginal double-anal" scene from Orgazamo. Aaron was a sick, twisted bastard.

10. Deep Thought: If you feed turkeys nothing but bacon for a year, are they still Halal?

From a Yahoo News Bird Flu Story

Wednesday, November 23, 2005


1. "Oh, just picking up a few things from 'Adult Pleasurama' for the boys in Bravo Company."

2. "DVD's of every Ben Affleck movie. We figure they'll demoralize the insurgents into complete submission."

3. "Paris Hilton dropped her American Express card during the last USO tour. I bought Faberge eggs for the entire Occupation Force."

4. "Looting is so much easier when you have a Blackhawk at your disposal. Oh, yeah, Go Pistons!Woooooo!!."

5. "Yeah, Al Franken's making another USO tour, and whenever that happens, we have to stock his tent with moisturizers, soy milk, green M&M's, pink silk thong underwear and lilac-scented bath beads."

6. "Why do I need 6,000 lbs of dog turds and a Blackhawk helicopter? Well, Congressman Murtha is about to visit our unit, and we just want to show our 'appreciation' for his little suggestion about us surrendering."

7. "Marshall Field's wasn't going to throw in free gift wrap, so I pistol whipped the Customer Service manager."

8. Uh-oh, desert camo and jungle camo... fashion faux pas.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"This is my rifle, this is my gun... Holy shnikes!... Shoes half-off at Kabul-mart!"

The memory of having to find a landing zone during the busy Christmas shopping season was seared, seared into her memory.

Lisa's smile would disappear once she realized she locked the keys in the trunk of her Blackhawk.

"Well, usually it's an unmarked van that shows up with this stuff, but as long as you're selling... I'll take 3 DVD players, an X-Box, and a Playstation... Untraceable, right?"

See, it's not true... We aren't there just to take their oil... They also have some techno stuff that's the shiznit for cheap!

Best of Submariner
Puh-leaze don't tell dad you saw me at the mall! He said not to take the Blackhawk anywhere with traffic...

It is, like, just so cool distributing food to the poor this way!

It was really cheap "shopping" for Christmas presents after we captured the first couple of palaces. But have you ever tried to return a gold-plated AK-47?

Best of AlphaMu42
"No, this isn't mail for the boys in Bravo Company... it's from them. It's for some Austrian video gamer."

Best of Divine Miss M
Uday Hussein's worst nightmare: a strong woman with a great smile and heavy artillery.

Best of Van Helsing
That Austrian video gamer isn't the only one who's stacked.

Best of Chip
Halliburton, schmalliburton, I need my Chunky Monkey! I don't care about their politics, dammit!

Thanks for the help, camera man, not.

Best of Occasional Reader
When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight, protected by M-60 door guns.

From a series in Stars and Stripes of photos taken by our brave, amazing soldiers in Iraq.

Brothers in Arms

1. "Hell of an explosion. I think this used to belong to Zarqawi."

2. "So, you gonna pay up the five large, or am I gonna have to rip the other one off?"

3. "Let this be a lesson to you kid. Don't f**k with a Marine when he's been drinkin'"

4. "Yeah, yeah, my touch is gentle-but-oh-so-strong, are any of you insurgents straight?"

5. "Well, this settles that bet. Apparently they don't bend both ways."

6. "Anyway, thanks for pulling that branch out of my lawnmower."

7. "Now, why do we not pet the grizzly bear?"

8. "Now you see why 'Inna-Gadda-da-Vida' is maybe not the best choice for an armpit solo."

9. "You gotta get off the horse, Ahmed, I'm almost out of usable veins."

10. "Another sprain? You've been watching that French newscaster interview that female video game jockey haven't you? Haven't you?"

From a series in Stars and Stripes of photos taken by our brave, amazing soldiers in Iraq.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Driving in New York

1. "Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?"

2. The battle for the last McRib in North America turns ugly.

3. "Yeah, screaming 'Get outta the f**kin' way, a**hole!' really worked for ya that time, didn't it?"

4. "He claims he was distracted by a video-game player in a low-cut blouse." "Pervert!"

5. "I swerved to avoid Hillary's hips, crossed the median, and crashed into the adjacent toll lane."

6. The only statement the cops could get from the driver was "Them Dukes! Them Dukes!"

7. The sad part is, the Toll Booth Attendant was only worth 20 points.

8. "Wiredwhatdoyoumeanwired?!Hey!IbetIcanmakeittothetollboothinfrontofthedork intheseagreenAltima!Betme? Betme? OhManYouaresoon!"

9. Neil felt morally vindicated. "That'll teach him for wearing a Bush/Cheney bumpersticker."

10. "Well,sir, I talked to the manager, and he says since it was our mistake, he'll upgrade you to the Deluxe Wash at no extra charge."

Monday, November 21, 2005

Heh-heh, okay. Would you like some boobs to go with that?

1. "My key advantage as a professional video-gamer? Well, most of the competition has never been in the room with an actual woman before."

2. "What's next for me? Well, I am mulling an offer to work as an intern at the Clinton Presidential Library for $400,000 a year."

3. "I want to send a message to those gamers who call me '7 of 9' and snicker about my 'Borg implants.' The message is: Grow the Hell up, assh*les."

4. "Yes. I. Am. Happy. To. Be. Living. In. Stepford. With. Tom. Cruise."

5. "Yeah, so far only about 7,000 nerds have shown me what it looks like when they type '8-0-0-8-5' into their pocket calculators. Next one who tries it is flying home with his testicles in a carry-in bag."

6. "Uh, attention! Attention! We're looking for the chick with big boobs! ... Yeah - and boobs. I just wanna say that again... Boobs."

7. "Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs". Now you do not punish a girl, Dutch or otherwise, for having big boobs.

8. ORA -- I expect Mother and Speed will be along any minute now.

9. Unfortunately, this was the picture CNN accidentally flashed on the screen while reading a story about "The Biggest Bust in DEA History."

10. "Even though the odds are stacked against me, I still expect to rack up a lot of points. I'd hate it if the tournament turned out to be a big bust.

Ace always had the Nicest Melons.

You Gawdam Mongorians! You Stay Away From My Schitty Wall!

1. "So, I understand John Kerry used to rape and pillage in a manner reminiscent of you guys."

2. "Well, yeah, I'm sorry Robert Byrd called you 'Heathen Chinee,' but he's kind of in-and-out these days."

3. ORA "Be careful, I just mopped there."

4. "Dong, where is my automobile?"

5. "Oh, Pat Morita, you and your wild Hollywood parties! I think that's Mike Myers behind me."

6. "Man, wouldn't it be cool if we shared an open, completely undefended border with Mongolia? That'd be sweet!"

7. Every second with the Mongolian leader made Bush clamp down hard on the urge to yell "Kha-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-n!"

8. "All right, how many horses do I have to pay to get Barb and Jenna back?"

9. "Hey, you guys remember when we were foolin' around with the webcam and made that video? I posted it to the internet. Hope you don't mind."

Stolen from A Far Superior Blog

Cable Guy

1. "11 and a half inches. Weep with shame and envy, caucasians!"

2. "No, Senator McCain, it's just a battery cable, not a detainee's intestines. Don't I wish!"

3. "What the Hell am I gonna do with forty-acres-and-a-mule in 2005. Eff yourself, Jesse Jackson. Eff you and your effing Reparations!"

4. "You should see the size of the tampon it's hooked to."

5. (Sigh) "All right, just to satisfy the PC police, we'll call it a Tug-of-Peace."

6. "I said instead of indulging Gulliver's sick fetish, we just skip the auto-erotic part and cut straight to the asphyxiation. Are you with me, fellow Lilliputians?"

7. "Hey, in time of war, sometimes you have to pirate cable. Bravo Company gets really pissy if they miss Sex in the City."

8. "Now, all I need is a whore to tie me up, spank me, and treat me like the bitch that I am."

9. "... and when the Insurgent tries to eat the birdseed, this cable attached to a giant rocket pulls his legs out from under him? I think you're full of sh*t, Major Coyote."

10. "Yup, we blew up Zarqawi real good. All that's left is this varicose vein."

Best of Submariner
Yessir, Sen. Byrd. I'se been assigned as yo protection while in-country. heh, heh, heh

Why yes, Miss von Shtupp, it IS twue, er true, what they say..."

Gay, minority, active-duty, goat-ropers and the cowboys who love 'em.

Best of Kevin Walker
"What's this for? Well, Alpha platoon ran out of beer so we thought that since Kennedy brings his own private tequilla tanker, how would he know if he will be missing 9 or 10 gallons?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Pulling the string on the new Michael Moore doll results in a flatulence fiesta not heard since Blazing Saddles.

Wesley Snipes IS GI Joe Mama

"I've been out here holding this net for four hours... something tells me I ain't gonna catch no snipes today."

From a series in Stars and Stripes of photos taken by our brave, amazing soldiers in Iraq.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

She's My Tractor Girl/Plowing Through the Beans So Fancy Free

1. "Now line the plow up with the moonbat protesters and gun it!"

2. "Daddy, you are the undisputed Master of the Bad Touch."

3. "Just park it here, I'll hose mommy's remains out of the mower blades."

4. "Aw, don't worry about it. Barfy's in a better place now."

5. "Fat ginger kid in a pumpkin shirt at 5 o'clock. Give me RAMMING SPEED!"

6. "Oooh, dad, I'm so-o-o-o-o-o impressed with the way you rigged the gearshift with duct tape. O-o-o-o-o-o-o-h, lookout McGyver, here comes my dad, yes, sir!"

7. "Hey, dad, if you're raising me to be a big, butch tractor dyke, maybe we should ditch the pink snowsuit and buy me some plaid flannel shirts."

Best of Kevin Walker

"Blind man! 25 points!" "F*ck that! Crippled man with the nurse! 100 points!"

Best of Whoopsie-Daisey

Dana Plato's childhood would forever be blamed for her unfortunate fascination with chains, vibrating machines and crawling up into the lap of various "big" men

Best of Son Of The Godfather
A Haliburton contractor shows pink-elf how to raze the Smurfville debris in order to put up a Starbuck's.

'Ow to Speak Pedophile: "tractor pull"

Best of Van Helsing
"Now I'll show you why we named the snowman Rachel Corrie."

Best of Submariner
"That thing got a hemi?"

Daddy? Why do we always ask the hitchikers first if they "have a familiy?"

Here again.

Two Middle-Aged Ladies and Some Children's Clothing

1. The King of Pop maintains an impressive, and well-organized 'Trophy Room,' overseen by these two ladies.

2. "Oh, Martha, can you feel the melancholy chill of the winter air? Come, the light fades."

3. "And there were bloodstains here, and here, but Tide with bleach got them right out and the social worker was never the wiser."

4. "And then the little sh*t pointed and said, 'There! She touched me right there!' And that's why I'm not teaching gym any more."

5. "A kick to the beads will work with the boys, but for the little girls, a good hard poke to the kidneys will usually keep 'em down for a while."

6. "Well, my break's in ten minutes. What say we sneak out the back and smoke a bowl?"

Yeah, it's Sunday, when I turn off the politics and get into that Wholesome Hometown stuff.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Additional Football

1. "All right! Fire up the lighter! This is going to be one hell of a half-time show!"

2. "Oh, yeah, spank me again, and this time yell 'Who's your daddy!'"

3. "Tyrone, this is not a good time for your tumbleweed impression."

4. "All right, I'm guessing last night you had... two chicken soft tacos and (sniff)... a chalupa. Am I right? Do I win?"

5. "You lost the bet, now, kiss it and kiss it good!"

6. "So you're saying if I roll flat on my back and raise my buttocks to a 60-degree angle, Coach Beavis can achieve deeper penetration with less rectal tearing."

Football Saturday

1. And the Earth was saved when the tiny invaders from the planet 'Auburn' landed their ship in the worst possible place and were all eaten by roided-up nose tackle.

2. Tyrone was overjoyed when the vet took the collar off and he could finally lick his balls again.

3. Unfortunately, Tyrone's taunts of 'Bring Me Your White Women' backfired badly when they played South Carolina.

4. Tyrone lifted the megaphone, and his thoughts turned to pom-poms, and pretty, pretty skirts, and he died a little more.

5. Auburn's post-game belching contests were legendary.

6. Although it would lead to firings, a lawsuit, and a brutal shower-room beatdown, Tyrone just had to shout out to the world about coach Beavis and their forbidden love.

One of several good photos emailed to me by John Schneider about a week ago. (I have epic backlog in the photos-in-the-hopper-but-not-yet-posted department).

Friday, November 18, 2005

Hillary and the Love Pump

1. The EMT's made the mistake of saying, "Imagine this is your husband," whereupon Hillary began kicking the dummy in the chest and screaming "Die! You bastard! Die!'"

2. "He was fine until she offered him a lap dance."

3. Let's see, a female politician with presidential aspirations murders her own brother and six other people, and sends an innocent man to prison to cover up a massive campaign financing scam. Where *do* those writers on Prison Break get their ideas?

4. "Cool, just 1,998 Aztec sacrifices to go, and Quetzalcoatl will reward me with the Oval Office. Then, the blood will really start to flow."

5. "Speaking of flowing blood, anybody got a spare Tampax?"

6. Hillary's OCD would not be satisfied until every staffer's chest was buffed to a shine.

7. "Hold still, Neo, we'll have that bug out of you in a second."

8. "Bill says he wants you to position the pump 11 inches lower."

9. "Hey, if she thinks dry-humping the corpse of Abe Vigoda will give her powers over her enemies, who are we to argue?"

10. "Rosebud? Who the Hell is Rosebud? Oh, wait, he said 'Rose Law Firm.' Oops, while performing CPR I accidentally broke a rib and sent it into his heart."

A Roto-Reuters/Some Photographer Guy Photo tipped on The Corner

Me Love You Long Time

1. "Toriyama? Where I have I heard that name before. Oh, yeah! I think my dad naplmed your village in World War II."

2. "Wow, Gene and Ace, Laura will never believe I finally got to meet KISS!"

3. "Ah, the Michelle Malkin cloning facility is up and running at last. Exxx-cellent."

4. "Baseball, cold showers, baseball, cold showers... Madeleine Albright naked on a cold day! Madeleine Albright naked on a cold day!"

5. "You say Clinton always insisted on a full-naked body massage whenever he came to Asia?... Oh, I'm sorry, whenever she came to Asia."

6. "Really? So, your momma was a Saigon hooker who scratched up John Kerry's back during a night of hot sex. And he got a Purple Heart for it!"

7. "Cheney, would you stop doing that 'Giggidy, Giggidy' thing! What does that mean anyway, 'Giggidy, Giggidy'?"

8. "Wow, you guys do all look alike. Good thing you're all named Kim."

9. "Well, what if I don't want to go 'round the world?' What if I just want 'sucky sucky' how much then?"

10. "Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking. And after the spanking, the oral sex."

Pic from Roto-Reuters on a tip from Renna.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

"And what do you have to say, tiny senile Moonbat..."

Screaming leftist LA Times columnist fired. Moonbats not happy.

1. "I see, ma'am, and is the rest of Munchkinland also angry about Scheer's firing?"

2. "Uncle Joe Stalin knew what to do with social parasites like you."

3. "Are we live, dearie? Oh, we are? In that case... F*CK MY F**KING WHORE MOTHER'S SPERM-SOAKED THROAT WITH A SH*T CHASER!"

4. "Caricature? Young man, this happens to be a charcoal rubbing of a biker's package I made on my way to the protest."

5. "Stoner? I wish. My lousy nephew hangs out in the park and exposes himself to little girls, perverted piece of sh*t."

6. "Get lost, four eyes. I only want to be interviewed by that hottie in the sun dress with the spaghetti straps." "Anderson Cooper?"

You See Son, When Two F-16's Love Each Other Very, Very Much...

1. "Is that a Sidewinder on your inboard pylon or are you just happy to see me?"

2. "No, no, no! I said to make sure your planes were in 'Mission-Ready Condition,' not in the 'Missionary Position.'"

3. "Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth / And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings..." Also, I dry humped an F-16.


5. "I give up, Red Dog 1. Why is this maneuver called a 'John Denver?'"

Combining Occasional Reader and Kevin Walker I get
The USAF Thunderbirds aerobatic team practice the difficult but exhilirating "Rosie and Ellen" formation.

Best of jeff
Thunderbird 5, I know you're a Navy exchange pilot, but please quit acting like you've been at sea 6 months.

Best of Divine Miss M
And if you screw up just this much, you'll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong!

Best of Occasional Reader
Why the USAF doesn't allow brothers in the same fighter squadron: "Does this bother you? I'm not touching you! Does this bother you?"

Best of The Man said
Hey...don't ask don't tell.

Best of SSgt Tremor
Pilot 1: "Having Trouble with your refreshment system?"
Pilot 2: "Uhh, Negative."

Yeah, yeah, I got it from Yahoo News/AssPress Photo. I'm just surprised they didn't work a Bush Bash into their original caption.

And Now, A Little Something For Andy and Barney

1. "Look, you can plainly see the outlines of our penises through the tight fabric of our bicycling pants."

2. This reminds me. I really need to check my electric meter.

3. "Yes. No. No. YES! No."

4. The Polish team readies themselves for the Tour-de-French-Newscaster.

5. Andrew Sullivan sighed. "I appreciate the thought, but when I said 'biker action' I meant rough men with buttless leather chaps."

6. After presenting this line-up to the rape victim, the entire squad had to take a sensitivity course.

7. "Barney Frank changed his mind. Now, he wants you all dressed as cub scouts."

8. Q. What do you get when you cross Lance Armstrong, five Tour-de-France groupies, and several hits of quality X?

9. And on Christmas morning, Andrew Sullivan trilled, "It's just what I wanted," and then began unwrapping his presents.

10. The Children's Television Workshop, makers of Sesame Street announce a new show for gay pre-schoolers, Castro Street. Brought to you today by the number 5, and the letters C and B.

Best o' Submariner
I don't know about you, Lex, but the way those cowboys keep licking their lips and muttering "Fresh pudding..." is weirding me out.

Fire Island bike messengers waiting for a package.

Best o' Son Of The Godfather
They're just one hot-French-newscaster away from having a place to hang their helmets.

"Anyone seen my bag of marbles?"

Best o' Divine Miss M
Veruca Salt, now in her 20s, disrupts the Tour de France by shouting, "But Daddy, I want one NOW!"

Best o' AlphaMu42
Tour-de-France organizers note that next year they should be a bit more specific when asking teams to submit a photo of their members.

PBS would long regret airing the Postcards from Buster episode in which the Polish Bike Team acts out the children's song "The Wheels on the Bus"

Sort of Submariner
Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a mule out of my spandex tights!

Best o' sonicfrog
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK..."

Best o' Rodney Dill
Turn your head(s) and cough

Thanks: Divine Miss M.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005


1. As Bush reassures the press that there is no illegal immigration problem, la migra flushes an entire mariachi band out of the White House basement.

2. ORA* "Don't these guys kind of sound like Depeche Mode? I don't wanna sound queer or nothin', but I think Depeche Mode is a sweet band."

3. George Bush gets back at Linda Ronstadt by stealing her back-up band and putting them to work in the White House kitchen.

4. "Wow, check out the humugous piles of weed. Someone call Bar and tell her I won't make dinner."

5. "To reduce the deficit, I've replaced my cabinet with some people I picked up in front of Home Depot who'll work for next to nothing."

6. Due to his butchered syntax, the organizers weren't sure whether Bush wanted "Marijuana" or "Mariachi" on the stage, so they brought both.

7. Mi Puta del Pirata apesta... y todo el mundo lo sabe...

8. Que es mas macho... mariachi, or marijuana?

9. "Well, since I have no intention of enforcing the borders, I figured y'all should just get used to hearing 'Hail to the Chief' in Mariachi."

10. "I know it's their standard concert behavior, but could somebody get Barb and Jenna out of the cages and get some clothes on them."

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"Heh-heh! Halloween was darned near a month ago, Pedro! Heh-heh! You'll learn these tricky American customs yet! (screaming into the distance)Come back, Pedro! I didn't mean that 'customs'!"

Best of Submariner
Damn PR campaign was genius. I'd like to introduce you to the new President of the US - Pedro!

Is LT Frank Drebben in the audience?

Yes, Helen. It was this long, but that's what you get for eating at Chi Chi's and powering back too many Metaxa's.

Best of AlphaMu42
du-dah dudududu dum "Tequila!"

* Obscure Reference Advisory.

"Side by side on my piano keyboard, Oh, Lord..."

I just discovered the GOP website has a photo gallery1. "Come on, audience, who'd like to see some Kirk-Uhura screen kiss action up here? Are you with me?"

2. "She said something that I couldn't believe So I grabbed the
stupid b*tch by her nappy-ass weave..."

3. Makayla had no idea that Bush's 'White Magic Mojo' would have her unconsciously fingering herself through the whole interview.

4. George W. Bush sits in for Jerry Springer. The topic, "My Trans-Sexual Lover Won't Give My 'Growth' a 'Job.'"

5. "Jeez, Condi, I think you need to lay off the Ring Dings."

6. "I believe that inter-racial dialogue strengthens America through the meaningful exchange of values found within our respective cultures. In that spirit, I invite all my African-American sisters to pull my fingers."

7. As Bush extended a "shout-out to my homies in Craw-town," Makayla maintained the pasted-on smile she used whenever white folks were just trying too damn hard.

8. The director signals Bush and Marilyn McCoo to stall for time while Cheney finishes debauching the Solid Gold Dancers.

9. "Up next on QVC, the Robert Byrd 'White Christmas' figurine collection. Uh... Makayla, this might be a good time for you to take a break."

10. "Wow, Tootie, it looks like you've bulked up to Blair and Natalie proportions."

Best o'Submariner
So then I said to the Seals Commander, "...shaped charges right there ought to take out the levy. But don't tell Al I said that, ok?"

I'm here to tell you George Bush DOES CARE about, uhhhh, which group'r we talkin' to?

Next on Montel: Reformed smelly pirate hookers and what it took to change 'em.

Best o' Van Helsing
At the conclusion of their rap duet, the President pulled a Justin Timberlake, tearing open her blouse with a practiced swoop of the hand, spilling two large growths into view.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Put Me In, Coach

1. "Uh, coach, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your and Tyrone's trip to Massachusetts this past weekend?"

2. "I don't understand, coach. Why are you so happy about being 'black-maled.'"

3. "Coach, explain again how daily full body cavity searches prevent steroid abuse."

4. "Dammit, Tyrone, you throw like a girl." "Well, at least I don't kiss like one, coach."

5. "Hey, did you know that the new quarterback is a ni... oh, crap."

6. Insert obvious longhorn comment.

Best of Submariner
Y'all stand back while I whip this out!

Damn, Jefferson! Hide quick - Cindy Sheehan is on her way over and looks like she has heer eyes on you.

Coach Dean: "And we're gonna drive to the 40. Then we're gonna pass to the 50! Then we're gonna run to the 20!! And then we're gonna run all the way to the BCS!!! YEEE-ARRRGH!!!!!"

Best of Whoopsey-Daisey
So tell me Jones, you ever had a reach-around from a cloven-hooved animal?

Coach Beavis: "Once you go black, you never go back".

Dog Play Afternoon

A pair from John Schneider.

1. Ah, sweet afterglow.

2. Ricky successfully combines his love of dogs, cigars, and picking up strange men in truck stop restrooms.

3. Ah, sweet foreplay

4. "Not so haughty when my face is smeared with Kal Kan, are you, bitches?"

5. Andrew Sullivan could never figure out what he liked more, the golden shower, or the dog licking it off afterward. Still, he reflected, it was the kind of dilemma he liked to have.

6. That reminds me. I should pick up some Christmas tree lights.

Hey, is that a Milk-Bone in your pocket or are you just happy to see us?

Best o' Submariner
"That dog won't hunt" he says. So who cares?

Just tell grandma you couldn't have dinner with her because you were "puttin' on the dog." She'll understand, and probably get jealous...

What am I doing? Nothing honey - just a little research for my next C&W hit...

Monday, November 14, 2005

Deerly Beloved

1. Animal Planet only puts on the good stuff after midnight.

2. Bambi's mom loses a Purity Point.

3. "Wow! This is the best Plushie convention ever!"

4. "Doe/A deer/Who takes it from the rear/Ray/A kinky six-point buck..."

5. "Ned, I know you're new to this taxidermy thing, but when a customer asks you to mount some deer..."

6. As Kyle lined up his shot, he did feel a pang of guilt that maybe lacing the salt lick with Vi@gr@ just took the sport out of it.

7. "Cut! Cut!... Bambi, the line is 'You like it hard, don't you, bitch!' Now, try it again. Thumper, go in there and fluff The Yearling and let's try and get this in the can."

8. Ummmm ... Hike?

9. "You know what comes from Texas, boy? Steers, deers, and queers... sometimes all in the same photo."

L'Esprit d'Escalier

1. "Great, now we have to have the THX-1138's over for dinner."

2. Obviously, the new 'number guy' at Sesame Street is an affirmative action hire.

3. "So, how deep does the cellar in Bill Gate's house actually go? I just saw a three-headed dog."

4. "Wow, the slinky is still accelerating!"

5. "'... and once they reached the top of the staircase, their hearts were cut out by four priests and offered to their Goddess.' Okay, next stop, Cher's bedroom."

6. "Here's a banana peel smeared with some viscera... I think I can guess what happened to grandma."

7. "Do not touch the glass. Do not approach the glass. You pass him nothing but soft paper - no pencils, no pens. No paper clips or staples in his paper. Use the sliding food carrier only, no exceptions. If Mr. Dean attempts to pass you anything, do not accept it. Do you understand?"

From Detroit News/John Greilick

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Let's Get the Obvious Caption Outta the Way First, Shall We

1. "That'll teach the little bastard to blow off dinner with me and suck bong."

2. "That'll teach the little snatch not to come whorin' around this part of Aruba!"

3. "Oh, look, another human tooth. I should know better than to buy mulch from the Gambinos, but, oh Hell."

4. "That 67 year old stud next door better be looking. I didn't wedge my ass into these tight jeans for nothing!"

5. "I must've forgot my hormones again. The stoners are mistaking me for Jerry Garcia."

6. "Damn DEA. That was a primo crop of Maui Wowie they just tore up."

7. Edna really spoils her cat.

8. "Abner, I hate to do this. You were a good husband to me for 55 years. But, the medical college pays good for human corpses, and I got Bingo debts."

9. "Maybe a few land mines will keep that six-year-old brat and his stuffed tiger outta my marigolds."

10. "Someone should have learned you kids that hitch-hiking was dangerous. Never know what kind a psycho is going to kidnap you, subject you to days of psycho-sexual torment, than bury your dismembered corpses in a State Park. Well, good-bye."

Best o' Chip
Riiiiiiii - iiiiiip!

Best o' ColoradoPatriot
"Rake? No rake for me! The Devil, I tell you. That's where rakes come from!"

"Dress up like Bea Arthur and clean up the lawn by hand. Man, being a Sigma Chi is going to rock, but I'll be glad when pledgeship is over."

Best o' Son Of The Godfather
Howard Dean's Grandma: "First, I'm gonna plant some squash! ...then I'm gonna plant some corn! ...then I'm gonna plant some zuchinni!... YEEEEEARGH!"

"Dammit, I know I buried my candle-jar/weed-holder out here somewhere! The only other people who know about it are Madge and Hel... SON OF A B*TCH!"

Best o' Submariner
As she finished packing the fresh earthen mound, Mikulski whispered under her breath, "I warned you Harriet - steal just one more of my ensembles..."

After witnessing Errol's transformation, Claire frantically pawed through the mulch looking for a can to kick.

Best o' Bubbalove
Way down in south Louisiana, Granma Bodreaux spreads new mulch over what's left of that two-timin' Granpa Bodreaux as she thinks about that fat insurance check. Yes, Katrina was a blessing for some....

My hometown newspaper is clearly onto me.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

No Captions, Just This

Because it tickled me

Stolen at Gunpoint from Sondra K

Saturday Morning Zen

1. "And after I caught him whacking off to that French newswhore, I cut his balls off and put them in this jar."

2. We could always tell when grandma was off her meds because she'd fill a jar with Lemon Joy and tell us it was her famous Citrus Jam.

3. "Now, just burn this whenever you hit the bong and the kids will never be the wiser."

4. "It's an authentic jar of Howard Hughes's urine. I bought it from a nice young man on eBay."

5. (continuing from #4). "I'll get the glasses."

6. "This patchouli scented candle will bring back warm memories of the sixties and Woodstock. Like the time we double-teamed Jimi Hendryx and got the clap."

7. "I told you what I'd do to your cat if I found him in my bougainvillea again. Here's what's left of him... bitch."

8. "Here you go. Good thing your company gives 24 hour notification before a urine test, isn't it?"

9. "Here's the SemTex. Now, remember to yell 'Allah Akhbar' before you detonate yourself in the Wal-Mart."

10. "Yo, Betty. I'm up here. Stop staring at my breasts."

Best of Rufus Leaking
Really? You had liposuction? This used to be your thighs?

Soylent YELLOW? Never heard of it - what's it made out of?

Just tell your grandson you got your hands on some primo Lebanese hash and you don't have any interest to make him lunch. He'll understand.
Rufus Leaking said...

Best of Chip
Now that we have the insurance money we can spread his ashes in the cat box.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"God, I hope this 'chin-in-a-can' works!"

It may have been the peach schnapps, but Helen's projectile vomiting on Madge would become the story at future bridge parties.

Best of ColoradoPatriot
"Those nice cowboys from down the road brought us this pudding!"

"Is it a floor-wax? Is it a sandwich spread? Oh Margie, why decide?"

"Now look here, Mayor Newsome. We're getting married to this bottle of kitchen grease, and you're gonna sign the papers!"

"Just remember, Margie: Use counter-clockwise circles when applying. Now, the areolae will burn for a couple minutes, but Harold can blow on them to cool them down...that's part of the fun!"

Best of Submariner
I've been keeping the Ben-Wah's in the pickle jar ever since the grandkids found 'em in the nightstand. I explained that they're "pickled eggs" and the kids won't touch 'em anymore.

Yeah, from way out here.

Friday, November 11, 2005

More Veteran's Day

1. "No, better stay outside. She's still mad about you whacking off to that French newscaster."

2. "Gesundheit."

3. Damn. I already used the 'Roid Rage caption on the Air Force pic.

4. "Now let me show you a nice little fixer-upper that also happens to be the only house in the entire Bay Area for under $400,000."

5. "It's just an Indian burial ground, you said. No such thing as Poltergeists, you said..."

6. "The sad part is, I still don't know where the little bastards hid my Jack Daniels."

7. "O.K., you little pigs can come out now. I just took down the wolf with my Walther semi-auto."

8. "Now... what did we just learn about lighting farts around propane tanks?"

Navy Times Joseph C. Garza, HO / U.S. Navy

Veteran's Day

1. With the leather hood in place, Sgt. Brett achieved his goal of having 'the kinkiest F-16 in the whole damn Air Force.'

2. "I'm so glad AutoZone was open late. Wait 'til those low-riding putas see this plane-bra."

3. If you squat-lift a fighter jet during a fit of rage, you might be on steroids.

4. "This is for your protection, baby... Gee, where have I heard that before?"

5. You see, son, when a man and an airplane love each other very, very much.

6. "Does it feel good when I touch you there. It does, doesn't it?"

7. "Check the background. Was it mean of me to rig those French guys' ejector seats to fire on the ground?"

8. "Cats pick the damnedest places to have their kittens."

From Air Force Times Tech. Sgt. Martin Jackson / U.S. Air Force

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Happy Birthday USMC!

Today is the anniversary of the founding of the USMC

1. "Now, worm, Mistress Fatima commands you to lick them clean!."

2. "Sergeant, do you think it was a good idea to assign this job to Private Sullivan? After all, he is a pedophile with a foot fetish and an obsession with Japanese anime."

3. "Fatima, was it worth beating the crap out of that kid just for his Air Jordans?"

4. "All right, you can wear them. But stay the hell away from Serial Mom."

5. "New shoes! A pretty doll! I feel like Angelina Jolie. Well, that, and I make out with my brother."

6. "Now, you're my slave, soldier boy. Bet you're sorry now, Mr. 'The Eagles will go all the way this year.'"

7. "Thanks for the shoes, I guess. But I really miss that Italian unit. Man, did those guys know how to accessorize."

8. "I appreciate this, really I do, but I am compelled to point out that the left shoe goes on the foot that's to my left, not your left."

9. "Thanks. How is Private Bundy doing with my big, fat sister?"

10. "You know, I'm really not the athletic type. Got anything in leather with thigh-high laces and stiletto heels?"

Best o' Tomslick
I'm done with this cinderella role playing Joe, where's my ten bucks?

Best o'occasional reader
"They're free?! You mean I *don't* have to give you any sexual favors in return?!! Oh, that's right... you're USMC, not UN."

Best o'Son Of The Godfather
"You can't handle the youth!"

Marine Times

Topic: Things in France That Are Hot For Reasons Other Than Muslims Set Them On Fire

So, we have to look at old hags like Katie Couric and the French get to look at this? (Thanks --- Ace of Spades HQ)

1. Je ne suis pas une prostituée puant de pirate

2. Magritte's "Ce n'est pas une hottie."

3. "Some would say 'breasts not bombs.' I say, 'why not both?'"

4. You know, captioning goes a lot faster when you have both hands on the keyboard.

5. "Courage ... And Breasts!"

6. The only downside about watching French News... you have to put in a credit card number to continue.

7. "Today, in an effort to solve the problem of Muslim unemployment, the French government announced a plan to build to build thousands of 7-11's throughout Greater Paris."

8. "... in other news, will these tiny spaghetti straps hold, or will my firm supple breasts exceed their tensile strength? I suggest you stay tuned."

9. Be honest. If Mary Mapes looked this good, you wouldn't care that she was a lying b*tch and crazy as a sh*thouse rat.

10. The only newscast in the world that opens with 'wakka-chikka wakka-chikka' music.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"If she was on 'FOX' news, she'd be known as 'Le Renard'!"

"Come to Butthead."

Andrew Sullivan: "Oooh, look, a story about a fire!"

Best of CJ
"Ze cowboys in ze tight jeans. Why do zey not look at me? Why do zey just lean on ze truck and eat zair pudding?"

Best of Citizen Grim
Those Breasts are the epitome of "Fair & Balanced"...

Best of occasional reader
According to the news crawl, my interest in doing anything other than staring at the newsreader's cleavage is down 84 percent.

Mr. Know-it-all Cybrludite upgrades Caption #1
"Je ne suis ni paunt, ni un pirate!"

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

By The Way

Aarons's Rantblog is putting together a deck of bloggers. I want to nominate myself to be the ‘Rules for Draw and Stud Poker’ card

Get Outta Here Monster!

1. George Lucas's all-Ewok version of Annie made Roger Ebert gouge his own eyes out with a salad fork.

2. "Grandma, did you forget to take your estrogen?"

3. Bad idea: Thinking Red Rasta Sasquatch would make a great Hallowe'en costume. Really bad idea: Using superglue for your Red Rasta Sasquatch costume.

4. Tar and feathers still in place, Terrell Owens leaves Philadelphia.

5. "... but the money soon ran out, and the parties were over, and the hangers-on left. By 2004, Clifford was wandering the streets of Seattle, homeless and shaggy." Clifford: The Big Red Dog. On The E! True Hollywood Story.

6. Ed Asner... actor, communist... closet plushie.

7. "Why is no one accepting my free Twizzlers?"

8. Last known picture of Snuffleupagus, just before he was gunned down by an eight year old Maryland girl.

It Came From Here. (Warning, Guys, Do Not Click This Link.)

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Look at These

1. Since it doesn't look like any of these reporters are exactly 'enjoying the view,' the guy who decided to photograph her from the back probably had the right idea.

2. "Hey, wait a minute... there was a 'you'll show me yours' clause in our little agreement."

3. While she kept the press distracted, her accomplices looted their cars.

4. "OMG, her aureolas are as big as pie-plates!"

5. "... and I says to Sulzberger, 'would these change your mind?'" Maureen Dowd explains, with visual aids, exactly how she got hired at the New York Times.

6. "So, who wants some milk?"

7. "The human body is a beautiful thing? Your rolls of back cellulite beg to differ."

8. Every reporter shared the same thought. "Oh, merciful God, please don't give Cindy Sheehan any ideas!"

9. "Big deal. Even Barbara Boxer can spin her pasties in opposite directions."

10. The female reporter grimaced, flashing back to that awkward sauna incident with Senator Clinton.

Brenda Walker told me I could find it here, in this place, where I ordinarily would not go.

Aieeeeee! Toilet Snake!

1. "Damn, boy, what did you eat!"

2. Steve Irwin remakes Trainspotting.

3. Mary Matalin knocks on the door, "Jim, are you done in there yet?"

4. George Michael sniffed. "I've had worse."

5. Page 16 of the new coffee table book, 101 Things I'd Rather Sleep With Than Jennifer Aniston, by Brad Pitt.

6. "Well, that explains what happened to the cat."

7. After a while, the gerbils just weren't doing it any more, but how to dispose of the rest of them? Then, Richard Gere hit on a solution to both issues.

8. "Hi, Eve. Can we talk?"

9. "Almost got it. Can you hand me the 3/8" wrench?"

10. Oh, yeah, it is definitely time to clean the bowl!

From Ananova via Ace o' Spades HQ

Gay Cowboys Eating Pudding

Hollywood Imitates South Park
1. "Remember when you branded 'Property of the KY Ranch. Hands off!' on my butt? That was hot."

2. "Tonight we ride to Bonerland!"

3. "Well, if that trip to the Emergency Room taught us anything, it's that butt-plugs and horseback riding don't mix."

4. "Can I have my ribcage back?"

5. "When you watch calf-roping, do you pretend you're the cowboy... or the calf?"

6. "Yes, I, too, had a gruff-but-oh-so-tender gym teacher in the sixth grade."

7. "I don't see why we need to go bareback, I've got the saddle right here."

8. "Homo, homo on the range, where the queens and the leathermen play ... "

9. "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"

10. "Would you mind mending the fences, today? I just had my nails done."

P.S. Did you all know that The Anus Is Holy?

The Nut Never Falls Far From the Tree

My kid has an amusing photo-essay on his blog.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Woeful Beyond Belief*

* I could not improve upon the original headline from the Detroit News.

1. The Lions have decided it's just less humiliating to assume the position and have the opposing team sodomize them during the first quarter.

2. "Man, I am never buying gas station sushi again."

3. "Oh, mercy, look at me! Two hits of ecstasy and I'm anybody's bitch."

4. "It's all thanks to you. Give me five, my little ant friend."

5. "Okay! Okay! I love Big Brother! I love Big Brother! Now, get this rat out of my helmet."

6. "A half-time enema is in my contract. Now, send me the waterboy."

7. "... and then the End Zone spike ricocheted and caught him right in the jewels. It was the funniest thing I ever saw."

8. Where will you be when your laxative kicks in?

9. Harrington collapses in laughter after finally getting the joke about the Oiler who nailed the Cowboy from behind.

10. It's okay Joey, just one last quarter separates you from a nice long shower and a locker room full of hunky, naked men.

Best of Divine Miss M
We're not worthy! We're not worthy!

'Scuse me, while I snort this line!

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"'Fluctuations!' ... So the Oriental says angrily: 'Yeah? Well fluc you Canadians, too!'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, that kills me every time!"

Inspired by Rufus Leaking
Harrington's conversion to Islam didn't help the Lions at all. Next stop, Scientology.

Best of Son Of The Godfather

"Hold up everybody! I want to hear that idiot from the picture below mutilate his scrotum on the broken glass!"

Best of Kevin Walker
"What was it like at the bath house? Well, I was bent over like this, and I had my hand on his ass like this, and then... Wait, nobody is recording this, right?"

Anarchist Aerobics

1. Driven mad by two weeks of fat camp, Michael Moore hurls Janeane Garofalo through the front window of a Krispy Kreme, then feasts on the tasty treats inside.

2. This is a picture from A.) The communist anti-Bush riots in South America, B.) The Muslim anti-Civilization riots in Paris, or C.) L.A. on any given weekend.

3. Jackie Chan IS Aunt Jemima in International House of Whoop-Ass!.

4. Rafael Palmeiro would later claim that he had to open up a can of whoop-ass on that grinning bastard who taunted him about his mood swings, before realizing it was his own reflection. He continues to deny steroid use.

5. Gym-Kata! The skill of gymnastics! The kill of karate! The IQ of a 5-watt appliance bulb!

6. The Scientologists didn't have the answers he was looking for. Neither did the Moonies. But Brian had a really good feeling about the Dervishes.

7. Must. Feel. Pain. Must. Block. Imagery. Of. Naked. Moby.

8. 10 years without seeing Scott Baio in a regular series role finally made Brian snap.

9. "Forgive my exuberance. When I flashdance, I just can't help it."

10. "Your puny window is no match for the awesom power of the Dark Side!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Revolutionary head-scarf: $5.00
Anti-Bush jacket: $47.50
Internet pic of a moonbat about to receive a glass-shard enema: Priceless

"Dammit Kyle, I said it's time to go kick some ASS!... You NEVER listen!"

"Subject A" tries desperately to escape a test screening for "Brokedown Mountain".

Kyle vents his frustration over being unable to effectively fuse the Michael Jackson and "smelly pirate hooker" looks into one without being mercilessly ridiculed.

Is this another one of those silly "Mentos" fresh idea commercials?

Fun with Moonbats on PCP: "Kyle, that window just called you a 'fag'!"

Which, I found on Moonbattery

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Your Weekend Serving of Hometown Americana

1. "So, Lorraine, what's it like having sex with a Negro?"

2. "Hey, that sign about 'employees must wash hands,' does that mean, like, every time?"

3. "Oh, sure, it's easy for you. You don't hear their little apple voices screaming, 'Mommy, why are you doing this to us?'"

4. "I disagree, Doris. There is no such thing as too much valium."

5. "I like my apples like I like my men... white and seedy!"

6. "Lorraine, I'm pretty sure peeling them in a litterbox is a health code violation."

7. Two minutes later, with the peeler punched into her stomach to the handle, Lorraine would realize that 'Pass the paper towels, bitch' was the wrong choice of words when Doris was PMSing.

8. "Last night was incredible, but I'm still glad that the fleet's only in once every six months. I'm going to be walking bow-legged for a week!"

9. "And then the little shit says, 'Please sir.... I'd like some more,' and the master kicked his orphan ass. I laughed so hard I almost puked."

10. "So, Lorraine, any chance I could get you to slip out of that hairnet and get to know ya?"

Best of catbat
"Doris, have I ever told you how much I love... pie?" "So many times, Lorraine, that I'm beyond creeped out and movin' in on curious."

Best of Bubbalove
"How many apples did the coven leader say to peel for the cauldron? Honestly, I don't know how anyone thinks we can actually cook up something powerful enough to take the ugly off Sister Sheehan."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Bored by her mundane lifestyle, Lorraine unexpectedly rotates the apple spinner 180 degrees and has her own little private party.

Yeah, you know where I got this.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Welcome to Naked Lefty Saturday... This will NOT Become a Tradition

First up, Moby... from Knowledge B Power.

1. After what happened to Rosie, the Jetsons NEVER had Moby over again.

2. "As it turns out, you were the droid I was looking for."

3. A whole new meaning to the phrase "Doing the Robot."

4. He might have been doing the robot, but he was thinking about the vacuum cleaner."

5. "Oh. Yes. You. Are. Huge. You. Are. So. Good. Fill. Me. Up. Big. Boy. Oh. Yes. Right. There."

6. This just raises the question, why can't we let robots make techno music and smash Moby into a wall at 70 miles per hour?

7. "You're a cold, unemotional sex machine. But that's okay. I've dated lots of Wellesley Freshmen before."

8. "I. Am. Sorry. But. Asimov's. Second. Law. Of. Robotics. Forbids. Me. From. Spanking. You. And. Calling. You. A. Bad. Bad. Boy."

9. "God has a plan, Gaius. He has a plan for everything, and everyone."

10. Is. It. In. Yet?

Best of Rufus Leaking
Finding new uses for WD - 40

And without that added narration, Deckard has just run away with a huge vibrator.

Best of catbat
For a moment there i thought i had a great solvent pun... but no, I got nothin'

Best of Submariner
Happy that the "Crash Test Dummy" costume allowed her to get laid, Mo Dowd was outed by the size of those red pumps.

Nothin to see here folks. Just Matlin indulging a Carville fantasy. Please move along.

Fembot Mk1 - Mod 0 was found to be a touch too warm, burning the hair off Austin upon contact.

Best of Right Wing Animator
Ghost in the Shell, the lost episode in which a bald hacker thinks he's caught the major

Friday, November 04, 2005

What If They Held a Day of Action and Nobody Gave a Crap?

1. "Malcolm... (wheeze)... you... (wheeze)... are not... (wheeze)... resisting... (wheeze)... therefore... (wheeze)... you... (wheeze)...must die."

2. I guess it's safe to say that all of those green protest stickers are "Stuck on Stupid."

3. George W. Bush doesn't care about inter-racial gay couples with adhesive suffocation fetishes.

4. "I'm crazy Anarchist Sticker Head! Give me some o' dat Crazy Candy!"

5. A few minutes later, the white boy sneezed and the blowback made his head explode.

6. Someone should tell Gillette that four blades is really too much for some people to handle.

7. "It's not working. I can still smell the hippies."

8. "Maalik, if you're dad isn't gonna be cool with you dating a white boy, I don't see how this is going to help."

9. Clone Al Roker goes out for a night on the town with Clone Timothy Leary.

10. Just tell your grandmother that you couldn't make it to dinner because you're the submissive bitch of a dominant black BDSM top who gets off on your public humiliation. She'll understand... provided she's freaky.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Damn Ferris, I can't let my dad see me! He thinks I'm in school!

He had to hide quickly. God knows what the press would do if they discovered an esteemed star like Andy Dick was dating one of the stars of Good Burger.

Worst of Son Of The Godfather
Unable to see, he later walked into a high-voltage conduit in a French suburb, sparking (heh) mass rioting. It was the worst case of "sticker shock" anybody had ever seen.

Best of Submariner
Me? Oh, nothin, nothin. Just heard that a big, strong, black stud of a football player needed some Charmin...

'Ow to Speak Awstralyan:Dipsh*ts

I blame society.

Inter-Racial Port-a-Potty Humor

1. Tyrone's huge ego made it impossible for him to leave a restroom without bragging "I massively stunk up the place in there."

2. "Jeepers, Tyrone, your uniform was spotless when you went in there. What the Hell happened?"

3. "Don't go in there, Mayonnaise. Some George Michael guy was in there and said he wanted my sex, so I jammed his head into the toilet bowl and gave him the mother of all swirlies. He didn't think that was 'Too Funky.'"

4. "So, that's what made all those white girls scream."

5. "I tried to use the other one, but there's some weird English guy in there with a chick and a robot dog."

6. "Cracker? No thanks, I just ate."

7. (1972) "Thanks for getting me out of that Algebra quiz Orenthal. If there's ever anything, and I mean anything I can do to pay you back, you just call."

8. "Sorry, Tyrone, I just don't have a square to spare."

9. "Tyrone, the team asked me to talk to you about your bulimia."

10. "False Alarm Tyrone. It was just an ambulance. Can you get our stash back or is too late?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Phew! Your turn, man... Be careful in there, that Maureen Dowd is a little too liberal with the teeth if ya know what I mean..."

Hollywood Trivia: Brian's Song was originally scripted about a player with Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

"Hey Tyrone, just kidding, I have my keys right here... OMG, you DIDN'T!"

"Yeah, let 'em show what I just left in there on the Jumbo-tron!"

Best of Submariner
Ain't it a bitch that this is the best home you can get for $750K here in San Francisco?

Whoooaaa, Shaquille! Looks like you aren't "the Master of Your Domain" anymore!

Son Of The Godfather inspired
"Yeah, Okay, Rosa Parks, you made your point. Not, just get your ass out of the loo so the rest of us get a chance."

Once again.

Boris Yeltsin's Dance Party

1. "Natasha! Is not time to be dancing! We should be causing big trouble for moose and squirrel."

2. "I can't wait to see the look on this girlie when we get home and I introduce her to 'Vlad the Impaler.'"

3. "I can't wait to see the look on this old geezer's face when we get home and he finds out I'm a dude."

4. "Bojemoi! Her roophies were supposed to kick in before my Vi@gr@."

5. And now, the Bolshoi Ballet Presents,'Dance of the Drunk and the Skank.'

6. Next on 'People Dance Like What They Look Like,' Boris Yeltsin does the 'Mashed Potato' while Britney Spears dances the 'White Trash Whore.'

7. "Great outfit! Is that a 'Harriet Miers' original?"

8. Just tell grandma you missed your dinner date because you were cruising for sluts with Boris Yeltsin. She'll understand.

9. "I have better idea. How about I dance on your lap!"

10. Boris Yeltsin: Master of the Mosh Pit.

AlphaMu42 said
"It's fun to stay at the Y - M - C - A ..."

Best of Divine Miss M
The Yeltsin family knows it's time to hide the rest of the vodka at family gatherings when Comrade Boris starts dropping trou.

Best of Yakov Occasional Reader
From "Cheers: The Lost Episodes" (now available on DVD)... When a drunken Russian politician threatens to nuke Sam's bar, Dianne manages to instead lure him away for some détente at a charity Dance-O-Thon. Hilarity ensues!

Inspired by Yakov Bubbalove
"Out from his coffin, Lenin's voice did ring./Seems he was troubled by just one thing./He opened the lid and shook his fist, and said,/"What ever happened to the Trotsky Twist?"/It's now the Mash/It's now the Moscow Mash..."

Q. How to tell if you should take his keys away?
A. When he starts giving himself a wedgie!

Best of Yakov Cybrludite
In Soviet Russia, Time Warp does you.

Best of Yakov Submariner Foxworthy
You know you make me want to YELLtzin.../Pull your hands up and YELLtzin...

If KGB arrests everyone in family BUT you...You might be Red neck!

Tonight on E! Failed 2nd career moves for out-of-work politicians: Boris Yeltzin, wedding singer.

Best of Yakov Son Of The Godfather
"Sometime, when Boris nervous, put thumbs in fists like this... Then stick in armpits and smell like this..."

"In old Soviet Union, you no put on tie... KGB put tie on YOU... Tank you, I have meelyon of them!"

Obscure Reference Only Divine Miss M Might Get
"Feefty watts per channel, babycakes!"

Thursday, November 03, 2005

1975 --- Swine Flu. 2005 --- Bird Flu

1. "Richard Gere, you magnificent bastard!"

2. CSI: Toontown gathers evidence against infamous child molester Foghorn Leghorn.

3. "OK, now take off your mask and bite its head off. Practice will make it easier when you do it on a real chicken."

4. "Heh-Heh-Heh. Heh-heh-heh. We're like... looking at a chick's balls. Uh-heh-heh-heh."

5. "No mon, the sacrifice got to be a real rooster or the loa, he no come."

6. "Mr. Sulu! Stop playing with your cock and report to the bridge!"

7. Since silicone implants were outlawed, doctors now make do with whatever they can find around the house.

8. "Still won't talk, huh? Well, I can think of one little detainee who's got a date with 11 herbs and spices."

9. "Thanks Kobe, Now, I'll go for the lay up."

10. "Looks like Big Bird is gonna be paying child support to another Sesame Street intern."

Best of Submariner
John F'n Kerry stages another costumed stunt for the cameras.

And now, well in time to gear up production for the Easter rush, "Super Peeps." We'll make a killing off Mike al'Moore alone!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Janey would give the stuffed animal to co-workers and then promptly take it back. She became known as a real cock-tease.

"Mr. Chicken, the operation was a success... we have removed your left testicle due to it's unusually pungent odor. It was indeed, a fowl ball."

They usually ruin it with the sequel:
Successful: March of the Penguins
Unsuccessful: November of the Chickens

Inspired by Occasional Reader
Bay-area "plushy" fetishists join with Bay-area medical garb fetishists to push the envelope to a whole new horizon of "weird".

Nothing Changes But the Hype. It's Renna's fault.