Monday, October 31, 2005

Rocky, Meet Slut and Whatshisname

© 20th Century Fox

1. First off, is it just me or does Tim Curry look exactly like Tom Hanks in his cross-dressing Bosom Buddies era?

2. "As you can see, the Country Club has loosened its membership requirements, but still, No Jews."

3. George W. Bush doesn't care about male models, cross-dressers, or Susan Sarandon. (He really doesn't, you know.)

4. "Uh-Oh, Tim, your mom's dozing off again."

5. "I call this meeting of the Andrew Sullivan Fan Club to order."

Happy Halloween 2

© 2001 - Universal Home Video

1. "Hello, Mr Griffin. This is Quahog Memorial Hospital. Something terrible has happened to Stewie."

2. "No, Mr. Buchanan. We still haven't managed to locate the 'tracking chip' the Zionist Occupational Government implanted in your rectum."

3. "Well, Pee-Wee, if you stopped touching it, maybe it would have a chance to heal."

4. "Hello, Sperm Bank, Debbie Speaking. No, Mr. Sullivan, we don't make deliveries ... "

5. "The USS Nimitz is in port. Okay, Mack Daddy, I'll change outfits and get my sweet ass down to the docks."

6. "... and then, he farted and the gerbil shot out of his butt, the nurses were all screaming. It was hilarious!"

7. "Another prostate exam? But Mr. Sullivan, you've already had three this week?"

8. "DC Enema Center. No, Senator Kerry, there haven't been any cancellations. ... Yes, I know who you are."

9. "Hello, Planned Parenthood. Sure, bring her right in. And don't forget your card. If you get ten stamps, the next one's on us!"

10. "Hello, Emergency Room. You say you're choking on Trojan brand chewing gum? Trojan doesn't make chewing gum, Senator Boxer."

PS ... And Happy Blogiversary to The Right Place

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Happy Halloween

1. Later, the hapless Gitmo detainee was blindfolded and forced to eat spaghetti and grapes, after being told they were worms and eyeballs.

2. "Ah, cara mia. Lurch has brought the 'Deep Albino Penetrator.' Let the orgy begin!"

3. "Damn, that 'Bea Arthur' costume is absolutely terrifying even without the red cape!"

4. The New Stranger Danger curriculum demonstrates over 36 varieties of bad touch... simultaneously!

5. It is kinda sad what Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny have to do to make a buck these days.

6. Marshall's constant call-outs of 'Left hand, Breast!' eventually provoked the wrath of the other Twister participants.

7. "Yo! Phantom of the Opera... your fly's open."

8. "Yeah, honey, I hate eating at the Denny's next to the tranny bar, too. But what else is open at 2:30 in the morning?"

9. "You all want to give me a lap dance?"

10. "OK, fine, we'll take the stupid copy of Dianetics, can we please go now?"

From, you know, that... place.

Don't Drink That!

1. "Okay, it tests pure. Tell Carlos we'll take 4 kilos."

2. "We're going to need a much bigger container for the bloodletting part of the ritual."

3. "No way will I drink your urine sample for five bucks... make it ten."

4. "... and then you heat it up over a lighter or something and suck in the vapors through your nose."

5. "And my dad will pay twenty bucks for a clean urine sample he can take into work next Tuesday."

6. "I still don't believe you're a Jew. That could be anybody's foreskin."

7. "Yeah, a single spore of this in the ventilation system will make the whole school into a biohazard zone. Can you say '12-Week Christmas Break?'"

8. "I'm still a little freaked out by what Mr. Garrison did to Lemmiwinks."

9. "Then you fling it at and yell 'The Power of Christ Compels You!' We'll get rid of that Hermione Granger biyatch one way or another."

Another warm, steaming slice of Americana from my hometown.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Not Really Captioning, But Definitely This

Here. Make Some of Your Own. (I heard about it from Sondra the K)

My Theories Are Sound!

a. "So, references to 'Boyfinger' have bottomed out, but references to 'smelly pirate hookers' and missing out on activities with your grandmother because you were stoned are at an all time high. Kobe and Andrew Sullivan references --- unchanged."

b. Earlier in life, Patrick Fitzgerald won a math scholarship for using calculus to prove his math teacher, Mr. Baker, was actually a smelly pirate hooker named Roxanne.

c. Hormonal, Acne-Ridden Math Nerd was a rare misfire for the f/x network.

d. After being caught drawing p0rnographic pictures of the GI Joe Team in his notebook, Kyle escapes discipline by incorporating 'Action Figures' into his Math thesis.

e. Kyle was beginning to think that his students were never going to grasp the Underpants Gnomes' Economic Theory.

f. Despite his detailed explanation of the genetic differences between himself and most members of the genus Murinae --- the other kids still called him 'Rat Boy.' Also, teachers.

g. "... and once you can move 7,500 units of quality AmWay product per month, you reach the Platinum Pin level."

h. "... and so, when the chad on ballot 57-3491 is exposed to ultraviolet light, a small indentation is clearly visible. Gore was robbed!" Kyle hasn't moved on.

i. Kyle's theory was compelling, and his presentation was inspired... but some still had doubts that there was a giant spaceship behind the comet waiting for them once they had departed their 'vehicles.'

j. "If Leroy axes Marvin fo 10 gram of 60% coke an Marvin ain't not got nothing but 8 gram of 80% and some ol 20% shit, how much of the cheap stuff be Marvin mixing up so Leroy can go off the hizzie?" --- The Detroit Public Schools switch to 'Ebonic Math.'

Detroit News Photo: Brandy Baker

Friday, October 28, 2005

Into the Mud, Scum Queen!

1. "Loser has to make out with the coach of the Chicago White Sox!"

2. "See what you made me do!" Hugh Hewitt takes the Miers withdrawal very badly.

3. "Yeah, well Picard never would have put a pansy at the helm." "Two words, Mike. Wesley. Crusher."

4. Andrew Sullivan sighed. "Ah, I remember my first Fire Island Mud Orgy."

5. Prussian Blue concerts were known for their kick-ass mosh pits.

6. By the time Ricky remembered the safety word, it was much, much too late.

7. "Joey? How about next time, you be the Supreme Court nominee and I'll be People for the American Way?"

8. "Ready for your cleansing facial, metro-boy?"

9. SOTG and Submariner battle to death over the trademarking of the phrase "smelly pirate hooker."

Best of Divine Miss M

The infamous 'mud treatment' at Dominick the Dominator's Dungeon and Spa was very popular with the Fire Island crowd.

"No wire hangers! Did you hear me? NO WIRE HANGERS!"

Best o' Bill

Skinny Guy falls to the ground as he lets a diarrheal blast out of his ass, catching several bystanders in the shitstorm that followed.

Best o' Son Of The Godfather

Stunned and in disbelief, riots break out at George Takei fan club meetings around the world.

"Eat snail-sh*t, John McEnroe!"

Best o' AlphaMu42

Hillary tried to get even by cheating on Bill... she just had a hard time finding a willing mate.

Best o' Submariner

Dammit, I said you were a big BURLY man, now get off my back!

Not quite the same gentle competitor as before the steroids treatment, Bjorn muttered "Friends my *ss" and plunged McEnroe's head 3 feet into the soggy French clay court.

With a mighty effort, Andrew Sullivan released Gerry the Gerbil, although those behind him were not necessarily pleased with the effects.

Best o' Right Wing Animator inspired:

The anti-war protestors chants of "Quagmire! QUAGMIRE!!" were met by the pro-warriors' response of "Giggiddy! Giggiddy!"

Detroit News Photo: John Greilick

People Unclear on the Concept

1. The LA Clippers unveiled their #1 draft pick today.

2. "He wasn't open, Kobe!"

3. "My new sport combines the low scores of soccer with the endless repetition of basketball. It's very popular in countries where assisted suicide is legal."

4. "Oh, come on, ref! Where I come from, spiking a guy in the jewels is a foul!"

5. "Well, coach, maybe I wouldn't drop the ball so much if you and your 'longtime companion' weren't always staring at my crotch."

6. "It's worse than you think. He just asked me which inning we're in."

7. "Well, he's no Karl 'The Mailman' Malone, but we do admire his package."

8. "This kid's got more ball-handling tricks than Andrew Sullivan in a Fire Island Men's Room." --- The comment that (finally) got Dick Vitale banned from sports.

9. "Well, what do you expect from a kid who takes to the court in white socks and black Bruno Magli loafers?"

10. "Uh, yeah, coach, that trick where you pull a nerdy misfit kid from the stands at a critical moment in the game and he saves the day... that only works in Hollywood."

Best o' Submariner

Coach daydreamed about Steve, Whitesox celebrations and a trip to the Blue Oyster until the ball bounced off his temple...

Having grown up, lost the baby fat and died his hair black, Patrick still had a penchant for dressing in orange and doing things just a touch oddly.

Best o' AlphaMu42

"Are you sure this is the right time to punt?"

Granted, he's not much with a basketball, but you should have seen what he can do with a cat.

Best o' Divine Miss M
"I knew Bo Jackson, and you, Yutaka Fukufuji, might be okay on skates, but you're no Bo Jackson!" (I'm a sucker for any Fukufuji reference)

From SI on a tip from R McCauslin

Just as an aside.

Star Trek's Mr. Sulu --- George Takei --- came out of the closet this week. O.K., hurray, pride and all that, but, did he really have to describe his gay experience as something that “began as a narrow corridor that starts to widen?”

Way TMI, Mr. Sulu.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Cat Stand

1. "And now, Animal Planet presents "Gary Lemming: Cat Chiropractor."

2. My cats, on the other hand, would bend over backwards to put their ass into my face.

3. First prize in the feline gymanstics tournament was a statuette in the shape of the winner's hindquarters, otherwise known as the Cat-Ass-Trophy.

4. "Check out the avant garde toothpaste dispenser I picked up at Sharper Image."

5. The really scary part, his choice of background music for this stunt is "Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue?"

6. "... and then the crap shoots up in the air, describes a perfect parabola, and lands in my other hand."

Best o' Bill
I had the taxidermist stuff Cupcake standing; saves space on the mantle.

To the assembled crowd's delight, Fluffly tired moments later of this game, dropped her hindquarters down, and used Marcel's face as a scratching post.

Son Of The Godfather
"Kitty, kitty in my hand, who's most disturbing in all the land?"

Best of Me (inspired by Submariner)
"Wait a minute, if this is my cat? What did I leave in that carrier at the Human Society?"

Used, Abused, and Discarded from: Outside the Beltway

More Fun With Child Abuse

1. "Well, if mom thinks this will keep us out of her cigarettes, she's got another thing comin'!"

2. "Two brats enter! One brat leaves! Two brats enter! One brat leaves!"

3. That's okay. Just tell your kids you dropped off the dog at Day Care and got them neutered because you were stoned. They'll understand.

4. "I told you we shouldn't have gone into Hillary's gingerbread house."

5. "Is that a dingo? I don't like where this is headed."

6. "Any bags you'd like to check, Mr. Jackson?"

7. "All right, Infant Andrew Sullivan, now put on the leash and dog collar." "Okay, Infant Barney Frank." Jim Henson's Muppet Gaybies.

8. "So, that's why the mail is always late."

9. "Doesn't this sort of take the fun out of it for the dingo."

10. "Mom, we're sorry you caught us acting out the 'White Sox Victory Kiss,' but doesn't locking us in the same cage defeat the purpose?"

Best o AlphaMu42
Hahaha, Mom & Dad should be home any minute... I don't think we'll have to worry about getting this bitch of a babysitter again!"

Best o' Bill
Okay, they're all ready to be shipped off to Saudi Arabia. Two more for the harem!

Best o' Son Of The Godfather
"This Halloween, we're going as Martha Stewart and Judith Miller!"

Best o' Divine Miss M
The industrial-strength Deluxe Yuppie Grubling Carrier not only seats two, it also comes with a no-spill water bowl!

Best o' Me (inspired by Submariner)
Michael Jackson's reinvention as avant garde performance art won him the adoration of the SoHo crowd and an NEA grant.

Best o'Submariner
Darn it Stevey! You can only poop in your own end!

Best o'Cybrludite
How Lamb & Lynx would travel to their singing gigs if there were any justice in this world.

From, from, from: Knowledge Is Power

Like, You Don't Know Where This Is Going...

1. "He still kisses better than that smelly hooker in Pittsburgh."

2. "Okay, dad, now that you've had all of us, who's best? Me, mom, sis, or grandpa?"

3. Call me?

4. "That's right, son. The restraining order is invalid now that you're 18. The bad news is I'm no longer interested in you, now that you're 18."

5. "Good news. The tests were negative! Come here, ya big bear."

6. "What's wrong? You seem aroused, yet distant? Are you staring at the bat boys again?"

7. "Ugh, I can still taste the umpire in your mouth, but thanks for taking one for the team."

8. Eight Men Out... of the closet.

9. Ricky got the best souvenirs of all... a kiss from the manager and the manager's wallet.

10. "What's the matter? My little league coach always did this after a big win. Sometimes for hours."

Best o' Son Of The Godfather
"OK Johnny, let's take it away from all these cameras and into the locker room so I can slide into home if ya get my drift."

"No, this is my last bit of chewing tobacco, I don't have any more for... Hey!... MMMmmmmfff mmmmmffff!"

Best o' Jonathan Leffingwell
The White Sox players react with glee upon learning that the team has narrowed its relocation choices down to Key West, Fire Island, or San Francisco.

Best o'AlphaMu42
"Oh coach, this is the happiest day of my life! Plus, we won the series!

"Hey, you got your chocolate in my peanut butter!"

Best o' Me
Just tell grandma you got AIDS from having unprotected sex with the coach while you were stoned. She'll understand.

From Here.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Dead Hippies! Yay! ... Aw, they're just faking it...

1. "All right! That Reverend Jones guy brought Kool-Aid!"

2. Hippie funk and Taco Bell --- a lethal cocktail.

3. "My pulse will be quickenin'/With each drop of strychinine/When I'm poisoinin'/Hippies in the Park..."

4. Damn. Where's a Caterpillar bulldozer when the gene pool needs one.

5. And when Geena Davis's 'crotch kicking spree' was over, victims lay scattered on the rain-wet pavement.

Best of Submariner
Just some kids that didn't have dinner with Grandma because they were stoned. Nothing to see here. Just move along...

"It was horrible... She just kept muttering "Bear! There!" and capping one hippie after another."

Best of The Man
Is that a scene from the Million Morons March?

Best of catbat
Tragically, shortly after this photo was taken, a VW bug lost control on the damp pavement, skidding through the party and resulting in several bruises.

Best of Right Wing Animator
All right, sweethearts, what are you waiting for? Breakfast in bed? Another glorious day in the corps! A day in the Marine Corps is like a day on the farm. Every meal's a banquet! Every paycheck a fortune! Every formation a parade! I LOVE the corps!

Best of ColoradoPatriot
It's happened: They've finally whined themselves to death.

Best of bubbalove
Atop the White House, the President racked another round into his silenced .50 caliber sniper rifle and slowly scanned the crowd, "Now, where is that damn Sheehan..."

Best of Commadore
Seconds later, hot, steaming asphalt was applied to the street and a bulldozer smoothed out the bumps. Moonbeam would regret holding a protest during road construction.

Got it from here, heard about it at Knowledge Is Power

The Nazi Version of the Olsen Twins

(FYI: Lamb and Lynx Gaede are two 13 year old girls who form the singing duo "Prussian Blue," and are dedicated to spreading Nazi ideology through the medium of song.)

1. "We're shooting a new version of The Sound of Music where the Von Trapps get sent to Birkenau with the other social parasites. Oliver Stone is directing."

2. "Now, how did a dumb mud-person like Spike Lee figure out that we blew up the levees?"

3. "How come we never get to kill any bears?"

4. "Don't even think about it, Kobe. We don't want your mud-people germs."

5. On a very special Brady Bunch, Bobby and Cindy turn in Jan to the Gestapo as a Traitor to the Fatherland and Field Marshall Rommel takes Marcia to Prom.

6. "Allen, Brad... I don't care how good it feels, it's not natural for you boys to dress like that."

7. "You girls look so wholesome. Daddy is so proud. Well, time to take you to the Elks Club where you'll be passed around like a fat spliff at a Phish concert."

8. "So, what exactly does R. Kelly's 'recycled St. Pauli Girl fantasy' entail?"

9. "If we promise to be good, can we have our shivs back?"

10. "On the one hand, we know it's purely for shock value, but on the other, it is kind of an honor to tour with Eminem."

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
Jon-Benet Ramsey's father liked his new job as independent photographer, which allowed him to play out his "Heidi and her sister in Der Rheinland" fantasy.

Best of ColoradoPatriot
"Anne Frank? Yea, I haven't seen her in homeroom for like a week and a half."

Best of Van Helsing
After learning that Sergeant Schultz was a pedophile, Hogan hit upon the perfect distraction.

Best of Submariner
You like, don't you mein herr? For just a few Deutch Marks, you can visit our "private website" and see us frolic in the Alps...

Best of Submariner
Why yes, I AM happy. Wanna play "Guess what I'm sitting on?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Buy the new CD from Prussian Blue, featuring the hits: R-A-C-I-S-T (Find out what it means to Me); Aryan-unh!-Huffington; White Blooded (can't you see... Got an IQ less than 73); If You're Aryan and You Know It, Clap Your Hands; Daddy Shoulda Worn A Condom; Grandma Got Run Over by a Mud Person; (Wanna Be a) Smelly Pirate Hooker in Training; Trailer by the Bowl-O-Rama and many, many more

Hat Tip: Glenn Beck

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

A Mime in a Barcode Hell

1. George W. Bush Doesn't Care About the Tiny People Who Live in the Folds of Corduroy Pants!

2. Do Not Adjust Your Set. We Control The Horizontal. We Control the Vertical...

3. "Because Ms. O'Donnell heard that vertical stripes are slimming, now, help me cut up this circus tent."

4. "Last night, I dreamed I was a tick, on the back of a huge, anal-retentive zebra."

5. "Road Crew! It was a typo! They wanted four lanes, not forty-four lanes."

6. "Ugh! I hate the IKEA 'striped carpet and clear polyethyline furniture' room."

Normally, they go *under* the clothing

1. "Oh, never mind them. Those titheads show up at every demonstration."

2. "Welcome to the Bill Clinton Presidential Library. We'll be your interns today. These hats are available in the gift shop."

3. "These weren't supposed to be tits, you know. We were trying to do a tribute to Bunsen Honeydew's faithful lab assistant, Beaker."

4. "Oh, Midge, you take me to the nicest places, this Womyn's Faire, the Melissa Etheridge concert, the Ellen DeGeneres show, the Hillary Clinton fundraiser..."

5. "Maggie, have you ever pleasured yourself using the flag of the European Union?"

6. "Hurry up and take the picture! I sense an erotic catfight brewing in the background."

7. "Wow! How did you ever guess I love Krispy Kreme?"

8. "It's just a way to trick men into maintaining eye contact."

9. The only people in the history of eHarmony to check "Boobhats --- Love 'Em!" on the Compatibility Quiz.

10. "You know, even though it was the guys' idea, I'm actually having a good time at 'Pam Anderson Days.'"

The Divine Miss M emailed this to me. So, it's her fault.

RIP, Rosa Parks

I'm trying to pay a (relatively) tasteful tribute, but if anyone is offended, just say so and I'll delete the thread.

1. "Well, today you're ridin' on the front of the bus, the next thing, you'll be wantin' to vote and marry our women folk. Nip it in the bud. First sign of colored folk gettin' uppity, you've got to nip it in the bud."

Photo from: Baldilocks

Girl, 8, Capped His Sorry Bear Ass

1. "I'd love to show you what I did to the corpses of Momma and Baby Bear, but it's just too disturbing."

2. "Hey! What would you do if the f**ker ate your cat?"

3. "I offer this sacrifice to the glory of Baal! Hail, Baal!"

4. "Wait 'til you see tha adorable little outfit I'm going to make from his hollowed-out carcass!"

5. "Well, the Asian gall bladder market has been sliding ever since Viagra came along, but this should at least be good for an iPod."

6. "I'm gonna have him stuffed and mounted... try making something dirty out of that you captioning sickos."

7. "You were right, daddy. Killin' bears is better than sex."

8. "Next, I intend to hunt the most dangerous prey of all... man!"

9. "I also wasted his little buddy, and then I ate the contents of their pick-a-nick basket."

10. "It was big, it was hairy, it was loud, and it was rooting around in our garbage. I thought I was shooting Al Gore."

Best o' Son Of The Godfather
"That'll teach those Berenstains not to f*ck with us!"

"Fine... PETA doesn't want me to sell Bo-Bo to the circus?... Problem solved."

"Well, I can honestly report that when you're chasing it down the creek with armor-piercing rounds, a bear DOES indeed sh*t in the woods."

Goldilock's sister: "The first round was too high. The second was too low... But the third one was just right."

Just tell your little sister you forgot to pick up the bear medicine for Bo-Bo because you were stoned. She'll understand.

Little known alternate ending to The Jungle Book includes an unfortunate encounter between Baloo and Amy Fisher.

"The last thing I heard him say was something about how only I could prevent forest fires. I don't need no condescending lecture from a stinkin' bear."

"And now, I will recreate the planet Hoth 'survival scene' from The Empire Strikes Back using the unfortunate Bo-Bo here as the tan-tan."

"That's a good thing ya done that to your little brother, Sierra... A REAL good thing! Now wish it into the cornfield."

Isn't wearing a big, flourescent-orange safety jacket over camoflage apparel a bit like trying to whack-it to a picture of Hillary? One kind of negates the other...

Best o' Submariner

"Nothin'. Kickin' back, cappin a bruin, having a Bud... You?"

Coming from a long line of USC grads, Tiffany was heard to mutter "UCLA undefeated my *ss!"

"Sometimes? When I kill, I can't help myself. I tuck my thumbs like this, stick my hands in my lap, and..."

If your sister takes opening day of every hunting season off from school as a might be a redneck!

Pooh's last thought was, "Oh, bother! I knew I should have visited Paddington today..."*

* He was a bear of little brain, but they still made an awesome splatter pattern. - Ed.

Story from: Washington Post

Sunday, October 23, 2005

'Cos I Got High

1. "Well, the little bastard's stoned again. Might as well put in a Matlock: Season 1 DVD, break out the Steely Dan, and work myself to a joyless climax."

2. "Tonight, on a very special Golden Girls... aw, who cares."

3. "Take away my license will they. Well, if I'm goin' out, I'm takin' a whole lotta young pedestrians with me!"

4. "Now, let see. Where should I send the social security check to this month. That nice televangelist with the big hair, or National Public Radio."

5. "O-o-o-o-o-o-h, Bob Barker. You are one hot hunk of manflesh. You could spay or neuter me any day, oh my!"

6. "The best part is, once I eat this nice leg of lamb, the cops will never find the murder weapon."

7. Helen Thomas once again scrubs her kitchen sink with Kraft Parmesan Cheese and sprinkles Comet on her spaghetti.

8. Once again, grandma's penchant for acting out the interrogation scene from Basic Instinct clears the table.

9. "Well, guess I better get over to the Bates Motel..."

10. (Sigh) "I guess I'll probably be dead before they invent soylent green."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Demi is once again left wondering "Where the hell is Ashton tonight?"

"SOTG, stop fucking around with all those captions and get in here before your dinner gets cold!"

"Man, I can't believe I ate the entire pot roast... I've really gotta scale back on that Humboldt Green..."

Best of Submariner
Hey, Kobe! Seat's open over here!

Well, according to Grammy Lechter's diary, you DON'T serve chianti with long pork, Hannibal. Now get off the floor, sit at table like a civilized man, and don't make me backhand your ass again!

Things just weren't the same for Mrs. Cleaver after the Beaver and Eddie Haskell ran away together to Barney Frank's "Dude Ranchette."

Grandma wonders, "Maybe I shouldn't have slipped Sean the tongue last time we kissed goodbye?"

Best of Wild Thing
"Did I already finish eating my dinner or haven't I started yet?"

Best of bubbalove

Granma cocks the hammer on the .357 and listens to grandson Johnny toss her bedroom. This WILL be the last time that little shit steals her Social Security money to buy dope! But maybe he will have a bite to eat first...

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell

"Ungrateful little sh#t! He coulda invited me to get stoned with him!"

Linked from: A Small Victory

Season of the Witch

1. "Sorry Mom, I was staring at that girl's ass and my cat's cradle kinda got away from me."

2. "Aren't we supposed to be having dinner with grandma tonight? Oh, it's okay, just tell her you were too busy getting high."

3. "This year, I'm collectin' for UNICEF, so when they get enough money, they can firebomb the Smurfs!"

4. "I saw the whole thing! Peter Parker injected the midget with his digestive fluids, and sucked away until nothing but the bones were left."

5. "Yeah, mom, I think it's great that we still can make use of sis's remains, but the Child Protective Services people may feel otherwise."

6. "Grissom is so gonna have your ass for mishandling the evidence, mom."

7. "Hey, isn't it kind of early for Senator Byrd to be wearing his ghost costume?"

8. "Don't be silly, Alex. If there ever were any ghosts in your room, the monsters in your closet would have eaten them a long time ago."

9. "Look, here's some more entrails. I love it when you lock a drifter in the cage with the pit bulls!"

10. "You know, fattening me up with donuts, Oreos, and Mountain Dew was just neglect, but then making me wear this shirt constitutes pure child cruelty."

Lawsuit Bait From: Ionia Sentinel-Standard

Duct Tape, Oh, Yeah!

1. Next on TLC: Roman Polanski directs a very special Trading Spaces.

2. Peter Parker came to enjoy his job at Home Depot.

3. "Ha! That one didn't even stick in the drywall. You suck at knife-throwing, Billy Bob. Did you hear me? You SUCK!"

4. "And you'll stay there until you stop writing captions implying that Hillary is a homicidal lesbian with OCD."

5. "This bait shall surely lure the minotaur out of the labyrinth."

6. "There! That should teach you to walk in front of the TV when the Packers are down three with third and goal."

7. Acting out scenes from Aliens was decidedly serious kink, but women who dated Bill Maher tended to be low on self-esteem to begin with.

8. "All right, now, don't try to escape again before I'm finished. Anyway, where was I... ah, yes... the other benefits of AmWay..."

9. "I can't believe it! I'm in Hollywood for less than a day and I'm already starring in a snuff movie."

10. "Maybe this'll keep the bitch away from my scotch."

Stolen From: Knowledge Is Power

Friday, October 21, 2005

Like Abbey Road, Only With Sumo Wrestlers

1. The guys from Wang Chung have really let themselves go.

2. "See, you guys, I told you all Jews carry their Jew Gold in bags around their necks." "Yeah, that David Schwimmer guy, what a pussy."

3. Andrew Sullivan despaired. "Look at that line. I'll never get into the Bathhouse. I'm so chagrined."

4. Four members of the Atomic Wedgie Support Group go out for delicious SUbway sandwiches.

5. "And this is the store where they hung the crucified Santa Claus over the entrance."

6. "I still think it was cheating for that 'Clobbersaurus' guy to use a chair."

7. "Do ya have ta call me fat? I tried going on a diet you know. The Zone, ya know, "Carbs are the enemy," eh? But the portions were so wee I ate the delivery man."

8. Jay Leno today announced auditions for "The Dancin' Moores."

9. "When sign the color of white is, please to carefully enjoy crossing of street with much happiness." A group of Japanese Instruction Manual Writers take a lunch break.

10. WARNING: The RIAA Has Determined That Just Looking At This Picture Violates International Copyright Laws. Armed Teams of RIAA Enforcers Are En Route To Your Home To Terminate You And All Of Your Loved Ones. Serves You Right You Dirty Thief!

11. "George W. Bush Doesn't Care About Exhibitionists With Glandular Conditions!"

From Here

Acknowledgment: Renna

A Dirty Hoe and Some Weed

1. "So you see, Billy, my feminine erotic lunar fertility rituals are just as effective as your patriarchal chemical fertilizers in producing a crop of primo chronic."

2. "Hey, look Billy. This radish is shaped exactly like your thingie."

3. Billy had to admit, his sister had grown some fine tomatoes. Fine, ripe, supple, round, perky tomatoes. Billy wants to be alone, now.

4. Four seconds later, Billy looked up and became an 'Ass-Man For Life.'

5. "You idiot, Billy. This is commercial grade hemp, not Maui Wowie."

6. "Fargin' Mr. Spock sucked up all the best spores!"

7. "Keep looking, Billy. The doctor said there's a good chance they can sew it back on Mr. Bobbett, and I must have that reward."

8. "To ease the tedium of garden labor, a lawn sprinkler can be used as a refreshing bidet... " Prison was a bad influence on Martha Stewart.

9. "Hello Mr. Friendly Raccoon..." Six months of agony and a series of painful stomach injections would leave Jenny forever skeptical of the Disney-fied PETA version of the Animal Kingdom.

10. "Well, he's spasming, but he's not dead yet. How's your kitty handling the strychnine, Billy?"

From this place

You Stay Classy, Son of the Godfather

1. "Some naked guy named Burkett just emerged from a time portal. Wants to know if we'd type up some memos for him."

2. "Well, at least this time, it's just his hand that's stuck in the typewriter."

3. "All right, we'll put Walter Cronkite in charge of the Evening News, but only if you promise never to bring up his 'supple ripe buttocks' again."

4. "Who the Hell is 'Dick from B&D' and why are we paying him $400,000 a year?"

5. "Rather, what's this crap about you being a black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?"

6. "You! I wanna take you to a GAY BAR! I wanna take you to a GAY BAR! I wanna take you to a GAY BAR! GAY BAR! GAY BAR!"

7. "Remember, when he finds Andy Rooney's severed head in the trash, we all yell 'SURPRISE!'"

8. "So, anyway, this Rather guy we just hired is muttering 'If a frog had sidepockets, he'd carry a handgun,' playing with himself, and rubbing Jell-O in his hair. I suggest we keep him away from sharp objects."

9. "Oh, go f**k yourself, Serling. No one wants to hear your hipper-than-thou summation."

10. "Dan Rather's grandson just emerged from a time portal and wanted to see if he could cause a causality paradox. I let him borrow your handgun, I hope you don't mind."

Best of ex-expat

If the set is supposed to replicate a 50's newsroom, then why is there bottle water on the desk?

Best of ColoradoPatriot

"So, in case anybody someday asks, don't forget, the frequency is 98.7MHz. You guys all got that?"

"Well if you ask me, Rather, the current time is quarter till bullshit!"

Best of Submariner

Yes, Dan. We have noticed that the minute hands on all the clocks point the same way...

Best of Son Of The Godfather

Murrow was famous for being able to hold a cig in his left hand, and pocket-pool himself to climax with his right

"Gentlemen, it's imperative to decide which of us will make the best Darren Stevens."

"We erroneously reported that an inhabitant of Smurfville desecrated a Koran and all hell broke loose."

Pic "borrowed" from: Mr. Cranky

Bad Touch, Hillary! Bad Touch!

1. Here we see Marilyn Quayle applying a variation of the "Hertzdonut" called the "Dieyoubitchwhywontyoudie".

2. Planned Parenthood was really geeked about Hillary's plan to include autoerotic asphyxiation in sex ed curricula.

3. Here's a switch, a dike putting her finger into a Dutch girl.

4. "Was that squeeze then twist, or twist then sqeeze?"

5. "Dear, that only works on people who respire or have a pulse."

6. "A gold medallion reading 'Money over bitches,' you shouldn't have."

7. "It feels good when I touch you there, doesn't it?"

8. "This is mine! This is where my babies come from."

9. "Yeah, these models tend to freeze up a lot. Let me open the access plate and flip the reset button."

10. A dweeb makes secret devil signs while two of the Horned One's mistresses pleasure each other... this is a pretty lame summoning ritual.

I borrowed this from: The Right Place

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Total Request Thursday Again

1. "Helen Thomas, the Ghost of Christmas Present, the Ghost of Christmas Yet-to-Come and me all took a vote and decided we'd rather see you just burn in Hell."

2. Upstaged by Barney Frank once again, Andrew Sullivan had no choice but to stand in the corner and pout.

3. Carol Channing is the Angel of Death? I am only mildly surprised.

4. Disaster ensued when George mixed up the meeting times for his 'Cross-Dresser Support Group' and his 'Violent Homophobes with Severe Anger Management Issues Support Group.'

5. So, what exactly did Andrew say to warrant the 'Parental Advisory' sticker?

6. Harriet Miers's choice of outfit for the Senate hearings helped win Rick Santorum's vote and would have secured her confirmation if Hillary Clinton hadn't beaten her to death in a phone booth for wearing white after Labor Day.

7. "No, Dear, I am the Pocket Pool Fairy, and if you don't knock it off, I'm going to take those things away from you."

8. I had an obscure Touched By an Angel reference ready to go, but I figured it would be pointless.

9. Al Franken's "I'll dress like the Good Witch from the Wizard of Oz and Sit in on Your Support Group" sale on eBay raised a record $15.00 for Air America.

10. Despite Ronald's passionate appeal, the Teamsters voted not to include a demand for employer-paid sex changes in their next contract negotiations.

Best of Colorado Patriot
"Nine months of night school and I end up filming Godspell in a community theater. ITT Tech can kiss my ass!"

Source: Portland Oregonian on a tip from Russ in Oregon

Total Request Thursday

1. "Now serving ... Number 92. Number 92... Number 92?"

2. "Sorry, monsieur, this is Europe. The hookers are unionized, and you have to pay the same even if she did used to be a guy. It's all based on seniority."

3. Once again, I am compelled to point out that real-life prostitutes bear little resemblance to Julia Roberts.

4. The next group to use the conference room never did figure out why the flag smelled like tuna.

5. NATO's Elite SLUT UNIT has seen better days.

6. From the makers of "Pimpbot 3000," the "Slut Unit 3," rated two stars by the European Commission.

7. Her hair and face were normal before she plugged her Pleasure Vibe 3000 into one of those weird East European outlets.

8. Gary's mom was a constant source of embarrassment... always hitting on his friends and ranting on about the glories of free love and a common currency.

9. "Kobe, over here, I'm WIDE open."

10. Just a used-up whore dishonoring a flag, but enough about John Kerry...

11. One of the least popular 'rides' at Euro-Disney.

Best of Submariner
"Oui, oui... N'est-ce pas? Oh course I am zee 'smelly pirate hookaire.' And for a few francs more, I can be any-sing else monsieur desires?"

Best of ColoradoPatriot
Courtney Love Guest Stars on a very special Commander in Chief

Best of Divine Miss M
"Me love you long time. Long, long time. Decades, if you want."

From here, on a tip from three different people.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Hurricane Survival Kit

Toilet Paper .... check

Bud Light.... check

Keystone Ice.... check

Budweiser.... check

Red Dog.... check

Misc. other bottles of alcohol.... check

Piece of plywood to float your old lady and booze on...check

1. I have a feeling that 'Any Time' was also her high school nickname.

2. "No, Cletus, I am not comforted by the good news that you saved a bunch of money on car insurance."

3. "All right, 'Noah,' you go ahead and finish loading up the 'Ark' with two of every kind of beer."

4. "It wasn't me!"

5. "Damn it, Cletus, how can I get that hot National Guardsman to notice me if you keep 'coming up for air.' Bitch, bitch, bitch."

6. Someone should tell maintenance the rink's thermostat needs to be adjusted.

7. "Shield your eyes, honey. Shelley Winter's bloated corpse is floating by.

8. "Lurleen, cut the 'A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets...' crap and pop me another beer."

9. "Hell of a time to be water-soluble, ain't it, Cletus?"

10. "See? Farakhan was right! George Bush wants us dead."

11. "Why do they keep sayin' on the radio that the dike failed? I got my GED!"

12. "Did'ja hear how gran'ma kept screaming as she was swept away? That was kinda cool."

Yo, Louis, Save Me a Seat on the Mothership

1. (More from UN Open Mike Night) "I hate the sunlight and I hate the night./I hate white people because they is white./ Their hair is wavy, their lips is thin/ But worse than white women, I hate white men./ Walking around with briefcase and money / Bust they head open, my ain't that funny? /Not out of anger and not out of spite. /I just hate whitey because they is white."

2. The sign behind him is absolutely right. Robert Mugabe is an Effin' A-hole.

3. "You too, can make a fortune in real estate, with no money down, using my patented system of armed thugs to drive people off their land."

4. "I'm not gonna pay a lot for this muffler!!"

5. "... and we're supposed to believe that the Empire falls apart just because the Rebel Alliance blew up the second death star with another lucky shot? And Darth Vader turned to the Dark Side because he had a bad dream? What the Hell was Lucas thinking?" Robert Mugabe: dictator, thug, embittered sci-fi geek.

6. "You kids get outta my yard!"

7. "Restraining order? What the hell? After Al and Jesse, I thought Sheehan liked a slice off the rye loaf."

8. "No, Mr. Mugabe! Waving around will only make the bees angrier!"

9. "Fools! My thesis is flawless! The pyramids were built by The Dixie Chicks!"

10. "And I am furious at the way your government allowed Hurricane Katrina to make thousands homeless and impoverished. In my country, we use government thugs for that."

I blame: Van Hel-s-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-n-g

Best of Submariner
"Dammit, Kobe. I COMMAND you to throw it over here!"

Best of Colorado Patriot
The fire in Mugabe's eyes proved once and for all that he wasn't kidding when he told the crowd: "I loves me some food and agriculture!"

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Ready Teddy?

1. "'Cos, I'm the f**kin' lion of the f**kin' US Senate, bitch. That's why I get a chauffered limo every day and you have to come to work in a piece-a-sh*t Hyundai."

2. "Hey, that's a pretty dress, but it would look even better soaking wet at the bottom of a river on your drowned and moldering corpse. ... What?"

3. "Yeah, Maya Angelou's a f**kin' national treasure, all right. So's my ballsack. (pause) She's right next to me, isn't she?"

4. "Damn, I can remember when the agency used to send attractive broads to give me the afternoon enema."

5. "Hey, do you broads want to see a dead body?"

6. "You broads are kinda hot... course, I'm kinda f**kin' sh*tfaced right now."

7. "Don't worry, senator. It happens to all men sometimes."

8. "Oh, and sorry about that comment earlier. I have that disease that makes you swear involuntarily. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. See?"

9. "Gross! I could have guessed a woman your age didn't need much in the way of a tampon. You didn't have to show it to me."

10. "And when we liberal democrats are once again back in power... [snort] ... Guffaw.... I'm sorry, let me try that again. I'll see if I can keep a straight face this time."

Thanks --- Sondra the K

Best of SOTG
Senator Kennedy begged to differ. Fat, drunk, and stupid was a great way to go through life!

Best of Divine Miss M
Don't worry about the details, we'll drive off the bridge when we come to it.

Best of Van Helsing
"They cut me off again. Which one of you broads wants to waddle over to the bar and bring me back a scotch?"

Best of Bubba Love
"Fifth of Tequila - check. Limo out back - check. Two star-struck smelly old hippy hags with ratty clothes, the ubiquitous 'I'm too smart to have a decent hairdo' look and an obvious desire to relive the glory days - CHECK and MATE! Giggidy Giggidy"

Best of Rufus Leak
"Yeah, my brother was the one who said 'pay any price, bear any burden.' Of course, he wasn't talking about negotiating a trick with a couple flabby, middle-aged tranny hookers."

Lefties Reminding Us Again Why They Are Not in Power

1. Trojan tries to appeal to the youth market by unveiling Tele-Chubbies.

2. Fortunately, being captured and exterminated by Daleks was Ricky's lifelong fantasy.

3. "(Gasp)... (Wheeze)... Giant... (Gasp) ... rubber ... (Gasp) design... had no ... (Cough) ... airholes..."*

4. Michael Jackson's kids never outgrew their love for veils, even as Earth was invaded and the human race annihilated by six-foot technicolor nipples."

5. Coming up on The Barney Frank Variety Hour, the Richard Simmons dancers, with a musical tribute to Harriet Miers's fashion sense.

6. While going through life with your head up your ass, protection is critically important.

7. "Mother Sheehan, the rest of the collective heard about your night with Jesse Jackson, and, well, they're not taking any chances."

8. All it took was telling the Earth Firsters that their own respirations emitted greenhouse gases, and the entire movement suffocated itself in an attempt to spare the environment. Meanwhile, some freak in a veil wet his pants.

9. "Are you mad? I am your daughter."

10. The SFPD deploys its fabulous bomb squad.

I got it from here, but I heard about it from Van Helsing.

* Simplicity pattern submitted by one "K. Rove."

Patty Cake Murray: The Senator with the 4-watt Brain

1. "Well, Bill Clinton would have done the dishes, Mr. Man!"

2. "Richard Lamm was right. People like you do have a duty to die."

3. "Pull it. For the love of Yacub, pull it!"

4. (Singing) "You better think (THINK!)/Think what you're tryin' to do to me!/You better think (think)/Yeah think (think - think)..."

5. "Hey, Dick Van Patten was your 'first time?' Mine too!"

6. "Screw your petition. If I don't wanna wear pants in public, no one can make me."

7. "Screw your petition. Matlock stays cancelled."

8. "I am unfamiliar with these Golden Girls of which you speak, but I am into Golden Showers if that's any help."

9. "I'm not saying there are any openings at the present time, but what would you bring to my dark coven?"

10. "Really? Like a Belgian Clydesdale? You'd never know it to look at him."

Update: Best o' SOTG
"Expecto Patronum!"

"I don't care who you are. You will NOT refer to me as a 'smelly pirate hooker'!"

"I'm Paul Williams... bitch!"

Thanks --- Sondra the K

Monday, October 17, 2005

The Mothership Connection

1. "BRAINS!... BRAINS!..."

2. "And one of these little UFOs came over that mountain and I was signaled from a group of persons to come. And I was beamed up into that small vehicle and carried to a larger vehicle, where I heard the voice of my leader and teacher, the Honorable Elijah Mohamed..."*

3. Harriet Miers mused. "Gray pinstripes? I'd look good in those. Maybe with a hot pink and teal blouse?"

4. Louis recounts the time Robert Byrd welcomed him to West Virginia with a laurel and hearty handshake.

5. "You commie rat-bastard, you've been eating off my deli tray!"

6. Note to self: Even if he's tending bar, never ask Andrew Sullivan to set you up with a delicious Black Russian.

7. "Anyway, like I was sayin', shrimp is the fruit of the sea. Dey's uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes..."

8. "So, that's why the hot side stays hot and the cold side stays cold. But can the White Devil explain how the french fries are neither French, nor always fried?"

9. "My hands are on backwards! My hands are backwards!" The Black Stalin Impersonator turned out to have brought some really great 'shrooms.

10. "The bad news is the White Devil is destroying our families. The bad news is the White Devil blew up the levees in New Orleans. The bad news is the white Devil sent crack into our neighborhoods to destroy our black culture. But, brothers and sisters, there is also good news. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance."

Update: Best of SOTG

"It's the big one! I'm comin', Elizabeth!"

"I want my Jell-O puddin' pops, ya see..."

Update: Best of Submariner

"Captain Louis to Mothership Blackerprise. We're too late. The white devils have destroyed this planet as well. Damn that evil Yacub!... YACUUB! YAACUUUB!!

* This would be a lame caption, except that he actually said that.

Beam him up.

Levin, Levin, Bo-Bevin... Aw, Screw It

1. "You know, you kids aren't too young to start using deodorant."

2. At first, the children were excited that an "old, pinko dinosaur" was coming to class. Then, they found out it wasn't Barney.

3. "Senator Levin, why did you crash your car through the front of our school?"

4. "Yeah, kids, I too always cheer during the first twenty minutes of Red Dawn..."

5. Levin's speech bored them to tears, but Ted Nugent's insane riffing on "Cat Scratch Fever" made them Republicans for life.

6. Why is it only the Special Ed. kids get excited when I talk about Democrat tax policy?


8. "Wow, that teaching assistant is a fine piece of ass. I wonder if she'd dump a load on my chest... Uh, did I say that out loud?"

9. "The corn demands a sacrfice? What the Hell are you brats talking about?"

10. "No, you kids are supposed to be angry about Republicans ending the school lunch program. Angry!"

(Note: Over the weekends, I usually turn over the blog to pics of geezers and kids. This pic of fossilized liberal dinosaur Carl Levin [first elected when Jimmuh Cahtuh was president] with kids was ripe for mocking, but frackin' Blogger was being a dildo this weekend and refusing to take photo uploads. Sorry about that. Anyway, I got the pic from here.)

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Harriet, Harriet, Bo-barriet, Me-mi-mo-marriet, Banana-Fana-Fo-Farriet, Harriet

1. "Thanks for doing the PSA, Justice Miers. Anal fistula is a problem that affects us all."

2. "Well, Andrew Sullivan has weighed in on your nomination. He's 'appalled,' 'chagrined,' and 'filled with heartache at such gob-smacking vileness.' And that's just what he says about your jacket."

3. "So, what are you, a liberal? a conservative? a squish? What?" "I'm Batman."

4. I look at that jacket and I think, somewhere an Italian restaurant is short a tablecloth.

5. The real reason Miers never married: a creepy obsession with Herb Tarlek from WKRP in Cincinnati.

6. "You know, all you need to do is borrow O.J.'s Bruno Magli shoes and you will own the phrase 'ugly-assed.'"

7. "What's with the jacket? Is your polyester avocado pantsuit not back from the cleaners?"

8. "Well, 13% support your nomination, 11% oppose, and 87% think the jacket you're wearing is even creepier than the new Burger King commercials."

9. "Well, you've been rejected from the Supreme Court, but a used car dealer in Tyler, Texas is very interested. Very interested."

10. If, someday, someone does a Google search for "Andrew Sullivan" and "anal fistula" and this picture comes up, all of the captioning will have been worth it.

Best of SOTG

The catastrophe could not have been predicted, but High Definition sets all over the world simultaneously exploded when faced with the impossible pattern/color combinations.

"Ed, we're gonna need a wide-angle zoom out if we wanna capture the complete 'do. Get the one we use for Hillary's hips and turn it sidewise."

I got this from: AssPress

Friday, October 14, 2005

The Woodwork Creaks and Out Come the Freaks

1. "Now, children, until you've had 30 or 40 plastic surgeries, daddy can't stand to look at you. The veils stay."

2. "Remember, Boyfinger, we're on our way to Toys'R'Us. Do Not refer to it as 'The Bait Shop.'"

3. Creepily humming "Double your pleasure/Double your fun...."

4. "Daddy! The carnivorous chia-pet just fangoriously devoured Uncle Tito."

5. Boyfinger was excited about his first court-mandated course in 'Child Rearing.'

6. Nausea ensued when Boyfinger told the assembled press, "I just wanna go home and play with my little man."

7. Paris continues to mourn for Bubbles, while Prince just dreads his dad's nightly game of 'kiss the bride.'

8. "Look, the veils are just there so Mr. Jackson can dehumanize them during the molestation. What's wrong with that? Would you rather he accepted their humanity and still molested them? Because that would be sick."

9. "I know how to make the kids even weirder. Let's teach them to speak exclusively in Esperanto!"

10. "Now, children, clean your cages or I won't loosen the ball gags."

Thanks --- Sondra the K

Thursday, October 13, 2005


1. "Ann Coulter naked on a cold day? Oh, yeah, break me off a piece of that!"

2. "Not bad, Colonel North, but those glutes could still use some more definition.

3. "It's only about yeah-big, but it's ill-tempered and got nasty sharp teeth. It escaped from a DARPA lab yesterday. Whatever you do, don't let it get near your balls."

4. As a Zen meditation technique, Rumsfeld and his top staff like to make cat's cradles with no string.

5. "Well, the Iraqis couldn't come up with a consensus leader. So, we gave it to the girl with the biggest tits."

6. "I can't believe those numbskulls at Walter Reed were gonna charge $3000 to reset my thumb. I fixed it up just fine with $3.29 worth of electrical tape."

7. "Kobe, over here! We're warming our hands over nice hot mugs of cocoa and we saved you some."

8. Rumsfeld: "We're bombing the insurgent positions at Hallal tomorrow at 1800 hours. We're coming in from the north, below their radar."
Reporter: "When will you be back?"
Rumsfeld: "I can't tell you that. It's classified."

10. "So, anyway, we're down in Tal Afar and all of a sudden these blue-eyed bastiches appear out of no where, led by a punk kid riding a giant sand-worm, and he says, 'My name is a killing word.' So, I cuffed the punk-kid upside the head and slapped him silly, and that's how I hurt my thumb."

Thanks --- Bubbalove

Thursday Night Hot Chick

1. New to the 2006 Winter Olympics: Naked hide and seek.

2. "Yo! Bitch, this is my corner!"

3. Sled my ass. Rosebud was an easy piece with a nice rack Charles Foster Kane met on a ski weekend in Vail.

4. "Hey, baby, Aslan wants to know how much for a lap dance."

5. And the last words Michael Kennedy ever heard were, "Check out the rack on the blonde."

6. "No thanks, mister. With the Alpine Pleasure Vibe 6000, I don't need a man."

7. "No time for the old in-out, love, I've just come to read the meter."

8. Most Obscure Reference Ever! "Even if it means I will be captured, tied up, dipped in oil, stripped, and forced to wrestle the Polar Hun Queen in 3-D, we must never surrender!"

9. "In my dream, I'm standing on a mountain, lithe and naked. Ride of the Valkyries plays in the background. Bill is reaching for me. I pull out an eighteenth century musket and plug him right between the eyes. I awake in the throes of climax, the bedsheets soaked in sweat." --- The Dream Diary of Hillary Rodham Clinton.

10. You're still reading the captions? What are you, some kind of faggot?

11. Cover art from Ann Coulter's New Book: I Want All Liberals to Freeze to Death in a Barren Wasteland.

Best of SOTG
12. "Brave warrior with the shark-fin helmet!... You are indeed a worthy opponent! Surrender to me now, and I will vow to treat you with honor. You will be taken back to the Lair of the Foxy Nekkid Snow-Elf Women where I and all my sisters will use you for breeding stock, and allow you to sit in front of the Box of Visions with a remote control and bag of Doritos for as long as you desire!"

"...kay." (drops spear)

13. Kanye Finhelmetwest: "George Bush doesn't care about voluptuous-naked-elf-temptress-warrior snow people!"

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

I would have used this picture even if I didn't owe Mistress Sondra a touchback

1. "Um, dear, you're stoned."

2. The intricacies of the Traditional Japanese Tea Ceremony were way over Monica's head.

3. Monica Lewinsky douches herself.

4. "Alien? No, of course not. Watch as I enjoy your normal hyooo-mon beverages."

5. "Monica, hey, it Mack Daddy. Why you ain't at yo' phone, bitch? Got you a 'date.' all you do is, you pour tea through yo' nose while Senator Kennedy play wi' himself, Easiest $500.00 you ever make. Call me now, bitch."

6. Monica would never be invited to Dim Sum again.

7. Monica's compulsive fetishism led to a scandal at the urine testing lab.

8. "All right, I'm filling my nostrils with pure grain alcohol. Got that lighter ready? This will be sweet."

9. Filling your nose with scalding hot water will provide temporary relief from listening to conservatives debate the Miers nomination.

10. Ten captions in, he thinks, "That could be a dude."

11. Starbucks weeds out another underqualified job applicant.

Touchback: Knowledge Is Power

Frankly, I Could Never Stand the Little Blue Bastards

1. "A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!"

2. Apparently, Papa Smurf had been wrong, dead wrong, about The Fraggles being "effeminate girly-boys who don't know the first damn thing about air support."

3. "Damn you, Janet Reno. Damn you to Hell!"

4. The Blue Man Group does not take kindly to copyright violations.

5. "So, this is hell. Why? Why? Why did I butcher those Jehovah's Witnesses? Why?"

6. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time, we had a hail bomb. And for five hours, I walked up. We didn't find one of them, not one stinking fraggle body. The smell, you know, that gasoline smell, smells like... victory."

7. Randy Smurf looked at Smurfette'slifeless body, and the unused condom lying on the ground next to him, and thought, "Hey, maybe it's not too late after all."

8. "Effin' UN Peacekeepers. They rape Smurfette, steal all our money, take our drugs, and then ditch like a bitch when the bombs start flying."

9. Matt Groening's Guernica.

P.S. This relates to that whole Smurf/UNICEF Dealie

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Harriet Miers Style

1. "I'll have you know I mugged a Kmart clerk for this jacket."

2. Ultimately, it wasn't criticism from the right that sank the nomination, just a few catty remarks from Mr. Blackwell.

3. "Mrs. Bush thought you might be depressed because of the criticism, so she sent you a male stripper. Wanna play with his nightstick?"

4. "Really? If your hand is bigger than your face, it means you have cancer? Let me try that." Whack!

5. "Hey, whassamatter, you mook? Don't you go talkin' 'bout my lady that way! Back off before I bust your thumbs."

6. "Paul Lynde killed himself in a jacket just exactly like that one."

7. "You know, on fashion sense alone, I'm willing to buy that you're another David Souter."

8. "I look at that jacket-scarf combo and think, somewhere, there's a pimp shivering in his air-conditioned Cadillac."

9. "I think I have the perfect accessory for that outfit, a big gold medallion that says'Money Over Bitches.'"

10. "May I presume from the guard posted outside the Vice President's office, the scent of leather and Astro-Glide, and the animal-like grunts and howls coming from inside that Cokie Roberts has dropped by for a nooner?"

If I Had A Hammer

1. "Senator Clinton helped us lay the foundation. Right after she buried a couple lumpy, rolled-up carpets under it."

2. "Hey, Rumsfeld, glad you could make it to our Village People party. That's a great Leather Man costume." "Uh, yeah, costume."

3. "Well, I figured, what with inflation coming back, an energy crisis, and trouble in Iran, I might as well get used to being Jimmy Carter."

4. "I tell you, this is the last time I let Slipknot rent the ranch house."

5. "So, which Trading Spaces decorator is leading this project?" "The gay one." "Could you narrow that down a little?"

6. "I agree with you, Mrs. Bush. Bob Vila is a hot piece of ass."

7. In the spirit of bi-partisanship, George W. Bush helps Ted Kennedy build a new liquor cabinet.

8. Even after her helmet was knocked off, President Bush refused to intervene in the hammer fight between Laura Bush and Joyce Carol Oates.

9. "So, I said, 'Why not Harriet, she'd make a great justice,' and then... um, George, honey, if you break wind one more time while I'm standing behind you, this hammer is going be embedded in your skull... so, anyway..."

10. George W. Bush admonishes Dale and Boomhower to stop playing around with his tools, as Mrs. Bush challenges a HFH volunteer to a game of strip Boggle.

Link to the Source

Sometimes a Pumpkin Is Just a Pumpkin

1. "It just sort of fell from the sky and crushed the life out of some gay little kid with a blanket."

2. "Do all genetically modified pumpkins have eyeballs?"

3. "Wake up, Mr. Brando. Scorcese needs you on the set. Mr. Brando? Mr. Brando?"

4. "And they thought Daddy was crazy for starting a pumpkin farm over a Superfund site."

5. "Second place? Second place! Do you know how many Mexican day-laborers died just getting this thing on the truck, you insensitive bastards?"

6. Everything in her small town life seemed to mock her dreams of someday treating Michael Moore's hemorrhoids

7. "Look, Daddy, I'm Sisyphus." Gerald frowned. Suddenly, all those nights his wife spent "working late" with Victor Davis Hanson made perfect, horrible, sense.

8. A young Paris Hilton discovers frottage.

9. "Little girl, we're unfortunately out of dolls. Could you demonstrate where Scott Ritter touched you using this pumpkin?"

10. "I think I'll be able to get 14 or 15 kilos up from Caracas in this, with an uncut street value of at least 730K."

Link to the Source

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Return of the Judgmental Condi Rice

1. Condi graphically describes exactly how Senator Clinton had touched her, and then was asked to describe what she saw when Senator Clinton dropped her pants."

2. "And then, the French peacekeeper says, 'My sex-slave, I thought she was your sex slave!' They all look alike at that age, don't they, folks?" Open mike night at the U.N.

3. More from U.N. Open-Mike Night. "So, Kofi Annan read in the New York Times that 2 Brazilian peacekeepers were killed. So, he calls up John Bolton and asks, 'how many is a brazilian?' and Bolton says, 'That's about how much you skimmed off Oil for Food, Kofi Cup...'"

4. "Bring it on, biyatch. I'll rip that nappy-ass weave right off your head and shove it up your Florence Griffith Joyner ass. You hear me, Kofi?"

5. "I tell you the same thing I told Ted Kennedy, they are real, and they're spectacular!"

6. Condi was mid-way through a story about Rick James and Charlie Murphy eating pancakes with Prince before she realized was watching Chappelle's Show instead of the TelePrompter.

7. "And then I said, 'Well, Mr. Chirac, would these change your mind?'"

8. Nobody knew who she was, or she got in, but somehow she got a hold of the microphone and removed a pair of falsies while screaming, "Baba Booey! Baba Booey!"

9. "Now, Cheney wanted to call it the "Manziere,' but I was partial to, 'the bro.'"

10. You know, you can write all the breast captions you want, but the real issue is, why the Hell is she dressed like the bald chick in Star Trek: The Motion Picture?

Hugo, You Venezuelan Scumbag

1. "Good boy, sugar cube?"

2. "Come on, smell it and guess where it's been. You'll be surprised when I tell you."

3. One of the benefits of being a communist dictator is you can pick your friend's nose.

4. "Thanks for the offer, Hugo, but my doctor thinks I should take care of my own bulimia."

5. "You say, 'Rock smashes pencil.' I say, 'Finger crushes windpipe.' Who's your daddy now, biyatch?"

6. "One time! It was only one time! And I was really drunk. Besides, this was Erik Estrada we're talking about."

Source Link

1. "You bitch! How dare you call Liza Minelli 'a pale imitation of her mother!'"

2. "Sometimes, I think we fight just for the brutal, savage make-up sex."

3. "I tell you Hugo, it was the strangest dream. Our photo was posted on the internet and some guy named 'son of the godfather' was making rude homo-erotic innuendo about us."

4. "Look, I don't care that you started working out. I've always been able to kick your ass, and I always will be. Deal with it."

5. "The safety word is 'Castro.'"

6. "One of these days, Hugo. One of these days, Pow! To the moon!"

Source Link

Cien Gracias a: A.M. Mora y Leon

Friday, October 07, 2005

Puppies, Just Cute Fluffy Innocent Puppies

1. "Is that a pink Christmas tree light, or are you happy to see me."

2. "So, how's the Korean family treating you guys?" "Pretty good, except I think there used to be five of us."

3. "Timmy fell down a well. So, I pissed on him. Is that wrong?"

4. "And then he drank out of the toilet and started licking his own balls. I hate living with Alec Baldwin."

5. "I've been screwing with that Berkowitz guy's head. I figure he'll crack any day now."

6. If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human, fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit. Because I am hard you will not like me. But the more you hate me the more you will learn. Here you are all equally worthless. And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Corps. Do you maggots understand that?

7. "Check it out, bitches. They look real, don't they?"

8. "This standing-at-attention is bullshit. I say we frag Sergeant Fluffy."

Barepawed and Pregnant

1. "Is that bitch ready with my dinner yet?"

2. "Dude... maybe it's the brownies, but I just saw some weird sh*t in your kitchen."

3. In all fairness, Mr. Chang's instructions to "Put dog on stove, Make food with dog," were open to misinterpretation.

4. "Big deal, you should see the meth lab our cat built in the garage."

5. Apparently, the escort service had seriously screwed up Barney Frank's order for a passive golden shower receiver dressed in a kinky French outfit.

6. "Cat? What cat? We never had a cat? Now, let me finish this nice pot of General Tso's 'chicken.'"

7. "What health code violation? I'm wearing a hair net."

8. When the family discovered they could only afford one pet, Goldie went all out to secure his place in the home by sucking up the master. But Trixie the cat ultimately prevailed by simply adding anti-freeze to Goldie's water dish.

I Don't Know, Third Base!

John Schneider Hates the Braves and, for that reason, has requested that I Caption This photo...

1. "I'd like to tell you that it wasn't your fault we lost. I'd like to, but it was your fault. What can I say? Burn in Hell, loser."

2. "Don't sweat it. I'm sure you're not the first guy who ever crapped his pants while sliding into home."

3. "No, dude, I'd never smell your pits. That's just effin' gross."

4. "Dude, that team looks good. Damn good. Especially their pitcher. Good fastball, taut, perky bubble-butt . . . what's that guy's name again?

5. "So, what if we lost? We're in New York ... home of the hottest bath house action on the Eastern Seaboard. You change, I'll get the car."

6. "No, we're only playing one game. 'Double-header' refers to the sex toy in my gym bag."

7. "So what if I throw like a girl? At least I don't kiss like one."

8. "So, you can scratch your balls and pat your head at the same time. You've passed the Braves physical."

9. "How much did Karl Rove pay you to plug George Will with that foul ball?"

Thursday, October 06, 2005


1. The house of brick withstood the big bad wolf's onslaught. So, the big bad wolf blew up the levee instead.

2. "This is our ool, notice there's not any 'p' in it."

3. Mr. Watson, 42, has figured out a fool-proof way to keep Muslim Extremists out of his pool.

4. Hey, nice pool. The Lord of the Flies is doing pretty well for himself.

5. "Are you still mad because I had roast beef and you had none?"

6. "I read somewhere they can skeletonize a cow in under five minutes. Good thing we're not cows, huh?"

7. "Forget about her. She was just a campaign worker I was banging. Let's swim back to shore and hit some bars."

8. "Dude, those Hawaiians are treating us great. First, a nice hot bath, and later, a luau!"

9. "No room in the ark? No problem, we'll just stand on top of the unicorns."

10. "Don't look at me like that. It's just shrinkage from the cold water. Shrinkage!"

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