Friday, September 30, 2005

Why Women Shouldn't Take Men on Vacation, Part 1

1. "Get your wang out of me you damn dirty ape!"

2. While Chewie throws out the first pitch, his long time companion Crunchy scores in the Fenway Parking Lot.

3. Andrew Sullivan still insists there are no side-effects from testosterone abuse. The boyfriend begs to differ, which turns him on ... the begging, I mean.

4. What it feels like to be Tom DeLay.

5. A planet where apes evolved from sodomites?

6. Gus Van Sant should NEVER have been allowed to remake King Kong.**

7. As bad as the initiation ritual for becoming a 'Large Mammal' in the TTLB Ecosystem is, the ritual for 'Playful Primate' is much, much worse.

8. "Once you've had gorilla, everything else is vanilla."

9. "Wow! This is even better than the baby tiger and the raccoon combined!"

10. "I'm so glad I moved to Massachussetts!"

** And Chris Columbus should not have been allowed to remake The Shining. (Props: Tattered Coat)

Thanks: Divine Miss M

Just When I Needed a Break From the Anti-War Moonbats

Brian Sligowski sends this, and NRO Agrees Neither. And Leather Penguin. And of course, The Jawa Report. Okay, I can take a hint.

1. Robin Williams agreed to throw out the first pitch, but only if he could do it naked while standing next to a cross-dressing Joe Pesci.

2. Madonna eventually ditched Kabbalah to embrace Jedism. Guy Rithchie hated wearing the Chewbacca suit and they eventually divorced.

3. Tragically, Han Solo was not around to warn Leia that Wookies are prone to tearing people's arms off when being told they "throw like a girl."

4. Looks like Fergie isn't the only princess that needs Jenny Craig.

5. Well, what do you expect when the Red Sox play an inter-league game with a team from the planet Tor?

6. The worst part was when John Kerry introduced him as Anakin Ortiz.

7. Possessed by the spirit of Ty Cobb, Chewbacca spent the rest of the night getting drunk, hurling racial epithets, and beating up hookers.

8. Side Effects of Anabolic Steroid Use: 1. Excessive body hair

9. Great moments in baseball, 2005: Chewbacca hits Manny Ramirez right square in the nuts. A drag queen applauds.

10. And John Rocker thought New York had the worst freaks.

11. Wookie pitcher Bock Ellis's no-hitter was struck from the record books when it was discovered he was tripping on melange through the whole game.

12. George Will patiently lined up the target in his sniper rifle and prepared to put an end to this abomination once and for all.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Moonbat Festival VI: The Unrecovered Moonbat

1. "Hey, check out that guy with the tie-dyed colostomy bag. Wait... that's not tie dye... that's not tie dye!"

2. The funny little yelps of pain she made when he squeezed really hard secretly delighted the moonbat.

3. "Wow, are you seriously taking me to the abbatoir? I've never had French food before."

4. "Hey, look, Daphne, there's Velma working the NOW booth. Now all we need to do is find Shaggy and Scooby."

5. "OK, when I give the signal, you fake a seizure, and I'll break into their cars while their attention is distracted."

6. "Look at the smoke... we'll never find Towelie in this environment. What were we thinking?"

7. "Daddy, you're not going to swap me for a VW van again are you? Are you?"

8. "Hey, remember the last time we were on the Mall? You tripped out, tried to go Lewinsky on the Washington Monument and chipped your teeth. Then, you went to the Lincoln Memorial, kept flashing your breasts and shouting, 'Four-score this, Honest Abe!'" "Of course, I remember that was Tuesday."

9. "Hon, I just had a thought. What Bush didn't lie? What if liberating Iraq was the right thing to do? What if the war isn't about oil?... Oh, gawd, somebody get me a joint, I'm becoming lucid!"

10. "Aw, come on. He's promised to trade us some really good dope and all he wants to do is watch. What are you afraid of? Women in Mexico do it with horses all the time. Did I say Mexico? I meant France."

From Narley on a Tip From Van Helsing

Moron Festival V: The Final Frontier of Idiocy

1. Why do so many 'Ebony and Ivory' duets end in fistfights?

2. "Aw, c'mon, baby! Why should Jesse Jackson get all the inter-racial erotic back massages?"

3. "Listen, if we keep fighting like this, we're never going to break out of the fat chick's gravitational field!"

4. "Well, I say Gandhi could have kicked MLK's ass in a cage fight even without eye-gouging! So there!"

5. "Shouldn't we stop fighting and focus on the real enemy... The Judean People's Front!"

6. Jake Gyllenhall was hopelessly miscast in the role of Ike Turner.

7. "Let the anger flow! It is your destiny to join the Dark Side!"

8. "Okay, stop it you guys. I was just yanking your chains. We've got plenty of pot."

9. "J is for Jason, whose eyes were scratched out, K is for Keneesha, who was smacked all about..." --- Edward Gorey, The Gashlycrumb Moonbats.

10. "Two moonbats enter! One moonbat leaves! Two moonbats enter! One moonbat leaves!"

11. "Well, I say the Amazing Pink Land Whale is the most hideous protester ever!" "Well, I say the Inflated Scrotum Guy is the most hideous protester ever!" "Whale!" "Scrotum!" "Whale!" "Scrotum!"

Photo Fairly Used From: Getty Images

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Moron Festival IV: The One With The Whale

1. "I can't believe that shoe salesman wouldn't shut up about the time he scored four touchdowns in his last game for Polk High."

2. She used to have a navel piercing, but the sparks it created by dragging on the pavement ignited too many grass fires.

3. "Mmmmmmm.... brains."

4. "No War for Oil, War for Twinkies, Okay."

5. Ted Kennedy's scheme to attend the Anti-War Rally incognito was spoiled when he was mistaken for a giant, papier-mache puppethead.

6. Jacques Cousteau narration: "Patiently, ze giant pink land whale stalks its prey."

7. She says she's retaining water. We better hope that levee of cellulite holds or DC is gonna get Katrina'd.

8. People who shop Navy Surplus for sexual appliances, next on Springer.

9. "Dammit, where are Tyrone and LeRoy with my lunch!"

10. Now I understand where Move-On got its figure of 300,000 protesters; they weighed her.

11. The woman Hillary stands next to when she wants to look thinner.

12. The woman the planet Jupiter stands next to when it wants to look thinner.

From Van Helsing

Moron Festival III: The Search For Moonbats

1. "How Witty! Mimicking the amputation of a man's genitalia. You're a regular Maureen Dowd."

2. "Look, I'm a middle-aged man wearing a baseball cap backwards in the manner of teenagers. Does it not enhance my credibility with the young people of today?"

3. Meanwhile, in the background, Senator Barbara Mikulski, unschooled in the hygienic peculiarities of the anti-war crowd, steps in what she thinks is 'dog' poop.

4. Subconsciously, she means she wishes Bush would do her twice. Subconsciously, he'd like to give Bush a Lewinsky and wants to make sure his hat doesn't get in the way.

5. "Dammit, Louise, I trust you with my primo Maui Chronic for two seconds and you drop the blunt."

6. "Oh, sure... you get to live out your fantasy of molesting a cardboard cutout of a Republican. But what about my fantasy of a four-way with a beermaid, a skinny punk rock girl, and a really fat chick?"

7. "That Cindy Sheehan is one hot momma. Hey, Louise, would you consider wearing shorts, letting the grease build up on your face, and maybe getting three or four molars knocked out?"

8. "Oh, don't forget, hon'. Next week, we're going to protest against Wal-Mart for taking jobs away from American workers. Should we take the Volvo or the Lexus?"

9. "The bulge isn't real, Louise. You're having another flashback."

10. "I may disagree with his war policy, but I have to admire his ability to fart musically."

From Narley on a Tip From Van Helsing

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Moron Festival II: The Wrath of Commies

1. Sunflower loved the birds so much, she wore a target on her head.

2. Sunflower tried to work up her courage, "Her boots say 'I like womyn,' but the dress says, 'but maybe this is a phase.' Maybe I should play it safe and see what's available at the NARAL booth."

3. Where's Waldo? I'm thinking he's lying in ditch after those two punk rock chicks rolled him and stole his shirt.

4. (And CJ says) "Yo, Heidi, the freaks here favor the Salvation Army Dumpster diver look, so why don't you march your clodhoppers back to Oktoberfest."

5. Peace activists do not require pheromones to recognize another member of the hive. The reak of bongwater and cat pee is good enough.

6. "Mother Sheehan is being carried away... and so is my heart!"

7. "All right, fine then! Ignore me! Go back to your bourgeois lifestyle with your 'job' and your 'soap' and your 'personal hygiene.'"

8. Wicca is a religion whose tenets include extreme respect for the natural world and dying your hair the color of fiberglass insulation.

9. "Get lost, Amber. When I wear the Germain barmaid outfit, I'm cruising for 'sausage.' Check back when you see me in a Taco Bell uniform."

9. "She's pretty. I think I'll leave the skin on her when I'm done."

From Narley on a Tip From Van Helsing

More From the Moron Festival, I

1. Well, I see someone's not missing out on too many SuperSized Combo Meals on account of the war.

2. Now, we see what Blair would have looked like if The Facts of Life had lasted another season.

3. "...A fat woman came into the shoe store today and asked for something to wear for a walk in the woods. Jokingly I suggested a sandwich sign saying 'Don't shoot, from the front I look human.'"

4. "I'm on a hunger strike for World Peace. Come back in Spring 2008 and see if I'm thinner."

5. Which protest group do you think she's from? I'm guessing M-o-o-o-o-ve-On.

6. If she's with International ANSWER, then the International QUESTION must be: "Can I SuperSize that for you?"

7. Ah, an anti-war protest. The only place on Earth where the smell is better down-wind of the Port-A-Potties.

8. What do you mean she's not that big? There's another moonbat in orbit around her?

9. "Fred Phelps called me a 'hellbound Sapphist' and plunged this cross into my forehead. I know there's a number I should call for this kind of emergency but... it's just gone."

10. Her elastic failed, and people bailed.

From Narley on a Tip From Van Helsing

We'll Return to the Protesting Moonbats, After This PSA From Your Local PBS Station

1. Big Bird salutes the District Attorney after the racketeering charges are dismissed on a technicality.

2. Big Bird lets Al Franken know that stealing money from the boys and girls clubs isn't nice.

3. Today's episode of Sesame Street was brought to you by the letters 'F' and 'U.'

4. Big Bird was extremely pissed off to find out that the hooker he picked up was actually a dude.

5. Big Bird never forgave Bert and Ernie for tricking him into being Grand Marshall at the Pride Parade.

6. Big Bird's drinking problems were well known at the CTW, but the general public only became aware during the procession for Mr Rogers funeral.

7. After Congress eliminated funding for public broadcasting, Sesame Street was taken over by HBO, and the writers reveled in their new, uncensored, freedom of expression.

8. Whenever he goes back to the hood, The Notorious BB tries to keep it real for his homies.

9. "What do I think about the fact that Bill Moyers gets chauffered to work in a Hummer H2 limo and I have to ride in the back seat of a Neon convertible? Let me put it this way."

10. "Hey, Cokie... f--- you!" At first, Big Bird was crushed when Cokie Roberts dumped him to become Dick Cheney's sex toy. Now, he's just bitter.

Hat Tip: Aridog at Discarded Lies

Monday, September 26, 2005

They're Coming To Take Her Away, Ha-Ha

Update:You have the right to remain obnoxious. If you give up that right, America would be profoundly grateful. You have the right to a shower and for the love of God please use it. If you cannot afford soap, shampoo, or deodorant, they will be provided to you at no cost. Please take the hint and take the g-dam shower!"

1. Whenever I had previously pictured this in my mind, they were always wearing white coats.

2. "... Diamonds are a girl's best friend..."

3. "Jesse warned you this would happened if you violated the restraining order... Crazy White Bitch."

4. "Nah, let me carry her. I've been bucking for a Workman's Comp claim, and if that gigantic white ass doesn't do it, nothing will."

5. "My, you are one big bear of a policeman. Andrew Sullivan must be seething with impotent jealousy."

6. "You better make damn sure I get a Koran in jail, or the ACLU will sue your infidel ass."

7. "Ms Sheehan, The Gimp (lower right) would like to know if he could smell the bottom of your feet."

8. "And speaking of smelling things, let's put her in the cell next to Multiple Miggs. That should be good for a laugh."

9. Okay, what the Hell is that little guy at the lower right? A Cub Scout? Mini-Me? The Beaver? A perverted dwarf trying to get a view of the black forest? What?

10. "Honestly, I haven't seen a smile that big during a public body cavity search since we arrested Barney Frank at that rest stop."

Thanks for the pic: Prism Warden

Can't Sleep, Kites Will Eat Me

1. Inside Cindy Sheehan's mind: The Magic Dwarf has just told her to offer Jesse Jackson erotic massage.

2. "Nice Try, Ricky, but I can think of at least one flaw in your planned paternity suit against Elton John."

3. "This is Emmanuel Lewis for the Emergency Broadcast System. As you can see, Mount Ranier is about to exterminate every living thing in the Pacific Northwest with a massive release of toxic gas. There's nothing you can do about it, so, wear something kinky and enjoy some last minute kite-flying."

4. A few of the warning signs that you're paying too much for 'Holistic Electrolysis.'

5. "Okay, now say each of these kites is a sperm, and the cross-dressing midget in the foreground is an ovum..."

6. Michael Jackson sighed. "Dressing up the midgets is kind of kinky, but, dammit, it's just not the same."

7. Colorado, 1997: "Dammit, I lost to that bitch JonBenet again! I'm gonna fix her ass but good!"

8. Gary Coleman stars in: "The Littlest, Most Sexually Ambiguous Pimp Goes to Iceland."

From Vaughan and Miss M, who suggest the captions:

"It started off as a great trip, but a couple hours into it, that kid from Webster showed up as the marshall of the gay pride parade and then these giant windex-colored sea creatures hovered and undulated over me...oh, wow, man, which way to the bummer tent?"

The Cyan Cthulhu kites cavort cheerfully under cloudlessly clear cerulian skies."

Scenes From A Moron Fest II

1. "Yes, ma'am, it is amazing that technology can pack so much feminine pleasure into such a compact package. Now, could you please stop waving it in my face?"

2. "Ma'am, I'm not going to question whether raising your son with your life partner 'Gina' has any effect on your son's social development, except to point out the fact that he's voguing exactly like Christina Aguilera."

3. "No, ma'am, I am not going to subject you to a full body cavity search... not before you take, I don't know, at least eight or nine showers."

4. "Oh, yeah, this is crowd is HUGE, it's SO BIG, I don't know if I can handle such a MASSIVE THROBBING Crowd... Ha! How do you like it when your sarcastic innuendo is turned on you... Whore!"

5. "Do you always make your son wear that 'Grrl Powrr' hat? I bet he gets his ass kicked daily."

6. "I have no problem with you, ma'am. Bruce, on the other hand, is from the fashion police and is writing you a ticket for wearing pink chinos with a red T-shirt."

7. "Well, ma'am, what did you expect when you agreed to let your son spend the night at the Neverland Ranch?"

8. Later, the mother would pull her son aside. "Son, I'm afraid the American people are still indifferent to the evil, oppressive Bushitler Regime. The time has come for the ultimate act of consciousness raising. Are you familiar with the name, 'Mohammed al-Dura?'"

9. "Oh, come on, officer... can't we settle this parking ticket with a little... personal ... interaction?" "Sorry, Amy, bringing the kid kinda spoils the fantasy. I'm taking the uniform back to the shop and hittin' the bars."

10. "No, ma'am, you're not in trouble. Congressman Barney Frank just wanted to know if your son would be interested in an internship position."

Photo Fairly Used From: Getty Images

Scenes From A Moron Festival I

1. "On second thought, maybe I will go back."

2. "You don't wash behind your ears often, do ya, Jesse? Looks like a damb coral reef back there."

3. A media whore meets a race pimp.

4. "Do I look like I need a hug? Get the hell away from me you crazy white bitch!"*

5. "Work the nipples, baby, work the nipples. Oh, yeah, twist my titty ring. Yeah, that's the shit."

6. "Oh, Jesse, you wore the VietCong pajamas. Those get me so hot. What do you say I put on the Vietnamese prostitute costume. You know, 'Sucky, Sucky, Me Love You Long Time...'"

7. "Bitch, when we're in public, you will refer to me as 'Tyronius: The Ebony Love God.'"

8. "OK, Crazy White Bitch, I get the idea. You can stop "accidentally" brushing your breasts against my back now, OK?"

9. "Get off me you crazy white bitch! If I didn't tell MTV if it was boxers or briefs, I sure as hell ain't gonna let you see for yourself!"

10. "'Ebony and Ivory' More like 'Ebony and Crazy-White-Bitch-Who-Can-Barely-Shove-Her-Middle-Aged-Ass-Into-XXXL-Shorts.'"

Hat Tip: Prism Warden

WASHINGTON - Anti-America protester Cindy Sheehan stands with Rev. Jesse Jackson in front of the White House September 24, 2005 in Washington, DC.

* Props: CJ

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Oh, the Habitat for Humanity

1. "Yeah, well, there was an old Indian burial ground, and a cemetery from where some old religious cult committed mass suicide, but we bull-dozed the headstones and we're good to go."

2. "You're right. Building your own house does give you a feeling a pride you can't get from butchering the previous residents and hiding their bodies in the crawlspace. Thanks, Habitat for Humanity."

3. "Aw, Hell, here comes another bored, horny suburban hausfrau in a lace teddy... Oh, wait, no, that's Barney Frank."

4. "And we spray paint 'Global Rights' 'No War for Oil' and 'Bush=Hitler' on every house in this subdivision, every worker will convert to our anti-war cause!"

5. "Oh, Dread, here comes Bruce. I swear to God if he comes up and says 'Got wood?' again, there's a nail-gun around here with his name on it."

6. "Hey, Mike, ever played mumbletypeg with a nail gun?"

7. To see this page without frames, Click here.

8. "That Andrew Sullivan is one committed homeowner. He watches the crew like a hawk, and even offers to towel us off when we get sweaty."

9. "The story on the new man? Well, he works cheap, the arson charges were dismissed all three times on a technicality, and his pyromania is regulated with medication. What could go wrong?"

10. "OMG, Jimmy Carter's whacked out on paint thinner and trying to walk across the top beam naked... twenty bucks says he doesn't make it."

Thank Heaven for Little Girls

1. "Yeah, that's right, a freakin' Hay Maze. Jerry Seinfeld is like the cheapest date ever."

2. "I must, I must, I must increase my bust..."

3. "Oh, so mommy meant this kind of bale. I thought Daddy's meth lab got busted again."

4. "Run! Donald Trump's got a pitchfork, and he says he's going to go 'American Gothic' on our asses."

5. "Hey, it's working. Weekend-Dad is lying on the ground screaming 'My eyes! My eyes!' Let's stick some needles in the scarecrow's crotch next."

6. "Oh, look, there's that creepy Scott Ritter guy. He'll pay ten bucks if you lift up your top and let him take pictures."

7. "Don't tell me you're not the least bit creeped out that these straw bales are laid out in the form of swastikas?"

8. "Being children of the straw is okay, I guess, but those Children of the Corn really seem to be having a good time."

9. "Well, enjoy it while you can, sis. But soon, Winter will be here, and we'll have to get back to haunting The Overlook."

10. "There goes another truckload of chickens to the processing plant, where big men with huge, sharp knives slowly slit the chickens' throats and let the blood run across the floors in little rivers, blood splattering on the feathers and the men's smooth, glistening bodies, blood everywhere, blood and feathers, feathers and blood..."

From: Here

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Metric Football

1. The couch growled. "They're still not clearing five feet. Up the voltage."

2. I wonder if these kids' parents are ashamed they're not interested in real sports. (I note from the website where I got this that the match ended in a stunning, exhilirating 0-0 tie.)

3. Outraged at the unfair use of anti-gravity devices, the British soccer fans launched a tactical nuke.

4. "Oh, yeah... right in the jewels!"

5. "Wow, great kick. Too bad the ball is eight frackin' feet away, Captain Depth Perception!"

6. On the one hand, the coach reading the Necronomicon and invoking Satanic prayer before the games did violate church and state separations. On the other hand, levitating over the other team was pretty wicked.

7. "They're all frozen! This Magic stopwatch rocks!" Billy exclaimed. "Next stop: Girls locker room!"

8. "Would you guys quit screwing around and help me find the Green Destiny Sword?"

On a related note: Soccer fans are devious and not to be trusted.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Going to the Dogs

1. "A raccoon? No way. That's just sick man."

2. "Oh, shit! One of the cats in first class just yelled 'Allah Akhbar!'"

3. "Ah, Rex and Brandy, I see you guys have decided to join the mile-high-club."

4. "4 bucks a drink? Screw them, I'm gonna spray the seat."

5. "Shit man, that honky mus' be messin' my old lady... got to be runnin' cold upside down his head. You know?" "Hey home, I can dig it. You know he ain't gonna lay no mo' big rap up on you man."

6. "So, you guys up for some poker when we get to Vegas?"

7. "Egon! Venkman! Look, in the back of the plane! A full-form, free-floating, vaporous apparition!"

8. "Man, the Sky Marshal's really getting Medieval on that Care Bear back there."

9. "I tell you, they are totally going to spoil us when we get to Korea. Did you see that book they were reading, To Serve Dogs?"

10. "I can't believe they're flying us all the way to Pittsburgh to get tutored."

From: Knowledge Is Power

Thursday, September 22, 2005

I Shall Call Him, "Gordo"

1. "Cindy Sheehan announced the hiring of a new media representative this week..."

2. How nature says, "Do not touch."

3. After cruising Match-dot-com for weeks, Cindy Sheehan finally found a personal ad that made her absolutely wet.

4. Obscure Reference Alert: "The Little Bushman did not know what to make of the satellite dish..."

5. "Woo-Hoo! I got tenure at Berkeley! I got tenure at Berkeley!"

6. "Now white man throw magic picture box in river. Then, my people release the one you call 'Hillary.'"

7. This guy went to the Air America Bake Sale and bought, like, four dozen brownies.

8. "The satellite dish broadcasts my thoughts to the saucer people, while the aluminum foil beanie protects my thoughts from the Mind Control Satellites. I got the idea from Dennis Kucinich."

9. "All right, somebody get Tom Cruise off the roof, cleaned up and dressed for his People Magazine photo spread... and thaw the kids of out of cryo-storage."

10. The Case Against Intelligent Design Presents: Exhibit A.

I don't even remember where I found this.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Splashy Splashy

1. The Press Corps following Cindy Sheehan and her fellow travelers finally took up a collection and decided to 'do something about the godawful smell.'

2. "When I bite into the York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of being doused with cold, grey laundry water from the upper floors of a Calcutta tenement."

3. "Hah! Gotcha! You're all Mormons now!"

4. The coup de grace was the guy who stood up and yelled "Look, it's Hurricane Katrina!"

5. "How else do you expect us to test our theory of E.Coli dispersal in a random population? Look at the bright side, you guys might be the control group."

6. The other Coup de Grace was the guy who screamed out, "Oh, my God, I'm coming!" just before the water hit.

7. "All right, we all showed up. When do we get the free Coors?"

8. "The roof is sinking! Everybody bail!"

9. The following year, the school chose not to contract out to Girls Gone Wild for school pictures.

10. The Bangalore Chapter of Sean Penn's Fan Club is a rather fanatical lot when it comes to following their idol.

Hat Tip: Frank IBC

Behind the Scenes at Chuck-E-Cheese

1. "One Order General Tso chicken coming up!"

2. Nutria... the other other other other other white meat.

3. "Yeah, well, despite all your rage, I'm still gonna smash your brains out with this mallet."

4. "Make fun all you want, Caption Boy. The NEA just gave me a $40,000 grant to do this."

5. "What? Can't a Chinese lady and her pet rat act out the Croquet scene from Heathers without PETA getting their bloomers in a wad?"

6. What Gwen Stefani's job would be in a fair and just universe.

7. "Don't worry, Mr. Gere, this will just leave him lightly stunned so we can shave and grease him."

8. Among the long term impacts of hurricane Katrina were mutagenic effects on wildlife from the release of chemicals into the water system. On the other hand, they make a very piquant gumbo.

9. "Bummer that your horse spontaneously combusted in fourth race, but you're into Big Tony for 20 large, and I gotta break your skull."

10. "One 'beef' Chalupa coming up!"

Hat Tip: Frank IBC


I may have to rename myself: N the K

Smokey The Horse

1. (Taking care of the obscure refrence right off the bat) "Twenty-f*cking five to one/My gamblin' days are done..."

2. "Hey, jack, it looks like your horse is burning oil. Better bring it in the shop."

3. "Smo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ke, on the trotter/A fire in the sky..."

4. "New rule. No Palestinian jockeys."

5. "Did Catherine the Great Die of Spontaneous Human Combustion? Next on History's Mysteries."

6. "Torching the winner's circle is poor sportsmanship, Bart. I don't whether Furious D is rubbing off on you, or vice versa."

7. "On second thought, maybe I'll skip the horse he rode in on and just do him."

8. Wile E. Coyote's plan to create a 'Rocket Horse' by igniting its flatulence failed miserably, of course.

9. They had an understanding. Wilbur kept quiet about Mr. Ed's pyromania, and Mr. Ed kept quiet about the dead hitch-hikers in the crawlspace.

10. Mother's Day 1994: Concerned by unconfirmed reports of child abuse, Janet Reno torches the Kentucky Derby.

Real Caption is here.


K is P jumps on the animals humping bandwagon.

No captioning because I think I spent this nickel over the weekend. Besides, it's pretty damb funny on its own. Besides which, how many variations of "Andrew Sullivan is reincarnated as a raccoon." "Andrew Sullivan and Barney Frank provide the voices in Walt Disney's Incredible Journey ... to Fire Island." And so forth...

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

A Giant Pink Bunny Says What?

1. After the four juveniles left his horribly maimed corpse by the side of the road, he finally got the message, with his dying breath he finally realized, "Trix really are for kids."

2. "What can you say about a giant fuzzy pink bunny who died? That she was beautiful and brilliant? That she loved Mozart and Bach, the Beatles, and me?"

3. If only people knew the shocking truth about the real source of Owens-Corning fiberglass insulation.

4. Soylent pink is made out of bunnies!!

5. "Oh no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was beauty killed the bunny."

6. Al-Jazeera. "The Recumbent Rabbit resembles the name of Allah! Jihad! Jihad! Jihad!"

7. The Trix Rabbit was found dead outside a West Hollywood gay bar this morning. Police suspect auto-erotic asphyxiation and are seeking longtime companion Snuggles.

8. The Mary Kay Cosmetics testing lab has ways of dealing with whistleblowers.

9. The Jolly Green Giant would come to regret cheating on his wife withGlenn Close.

10. With a blood curdling shout of "Ah'll tell yuh whut's up, yuh fur-bearin' varmint!" Yosemite Sam whipped out his AK.

From Ananova

V the K Klassic

Note: I'm driving to Phracking Philadelphia for a meeting this morning and lack the time and energy to caption anything new. So, here's a rerun of a Very Special Caption This.

1. Little Mohammed (bottom left) reacts appropriately as his family begins singing "The Safety Dance."

2. A popular practical joke at the ISM is teaching militants to chant, "We're here! We're queer! We want to pee in your beer."

3. "Brains... BRAINS!"

4. "Yahoo! We're koo-koo for Cocoa Puffs!"

5. Blue Scarf singing, "Did you think I'd crumple?/Did you think I'd lay down and die?/Oh not I/I will survive..."

6. Finally, Little Ramel could take it no more, and wished them all into the corn.

7. "Every sperm is sacred... every sperm is great..."

8. Another contestant is voted off in "Survivor: Ramallah."

9. "Allah, the Most High, the Most Merciful... pull my finger!"

10. The San Francisco County Clerk looked out his window and stammered, "Th-They all want to get m-m-married?"


Monday, September 19, 2005

Further Signs of the Apocalypse

1. Donald Trump Revealed to Be Satan. Surprise Factor: 0.

2. Reverend Trump proclaims his intention to "Smack the demons of fornication from this woman's body." Good f'in' luck, Don.

3. Brick Tamlin's trajectory was perfect, but the Donald's reflexes were too quick... unfortunately.

4. "...And in the winner for 'Best Performance in a Series There's No Godly Reason for Anyone to Watch'... Oooooh, it looks like a tie!"

5. Puzzle pic: Can you find nine things in this picture that make Andrew Sullivan horny? Ready? Go! (Hint, he like him the green pumps, oh yeah!)

6. Arnold Ziffle was also slated to appear, but a clause in his contract only allowed him to appear on-stage with a maximum of one other pig.

7. It really wasn't such a big deal that Victor David Hanson won his debate with Arianna Huffington... Mr. Haney could have won a debate with Arianna Huffington.

8. "This is the pitchfork that killed Amarosa... and its thirst for blood is not yet quenched..."

From the Detroit News

P.S. I'm a little handicapped on this one, never having seen a single episode of "he Apprentice" or "Will & Grace."

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Curse My Metal Body I Was Too Slow

1. Anatomically correct crash test dummies? Now, I've seen everything.

2. "Yellow sex robots are into golden showers. Just don't ask about C-3PO unless you're really, really jaded."

3. "You mean I tore off that human's hands and affixed them to my robot arms, just so I could pleasure you, and still you blow me off. You're a tease, Greta, nothing but a tease."

4. "I hate these places. Everybody's so phony."

5. "So, you're not down with a three-way? It's because we're yellow, isn't it?"

6. "No, no, no... Scientology isn't some kind of cult that demands total conformity and surrender of individual identity. Just ask Brian-289."

7. "Crash Test? I wish! No, we're the 'Accurate Urinal Aiming Test Dummies.'"

8. "Excuse me, human female, I couldn't help but notice the prescription psychoactive medications in your purse, and the look of abject failure in your eyes. Let me guess, 'Dated Dean, Married Kerry?'"

9. "So, that's a negatory on the lap dance?"

10. "An android, a clone, and a Klingon walk into a bar, stop me if you've heard this one before..."

Real Caption

More Fun With Implied Bestiality

1. "Oh, damn, that feels great. And to think I've been wasting my time lying down with lambs."

2. "Sorry, can't help it. I was raised by Siegfried and Roy."

3. "Das is gut, ja, meine fraulein?"

4. "Just a few more seconds, babe, and Napoleon Dynamite will have a new favorite animal, the German Tigherd!"

5. "In Korea, I'm considered an aphrodisiac and you're considered an entree."

6. "Would you stop worrying, it's just a cold sore!"

7. Wow, happiness really IS a warm puppy.

8. "No, I didn't say the baby tiger was botching everything up with his incompetence. I said he was screwing the pooch."

9. "Baby, is your name 'Frosted Flakes,' 'cos you're GRRRRRRRRREAT!"

10. Figures, thought the dog. The afterglow hasn't even faded and he's fast asleep already.

Real Caption

Yeah baby, right there, oh yeah, that's right

1. Scene from: The Lion King III: Simba and the Hooker.

2. In foreplay, as in hunting, it's the female lion that does all the work.

3. The night Simba lost his virginity was spoiled only by the bumps and groans of Pumbaa and Timon having rough sex in the next room. (Which also did much to explain Pumbaa's epic flatulence).

4. After he was thoroughly spent, Timon wandered through the bathhouse chanting, "If you're hungry for a hunk of fat and juicy meat/ Eat my buddy Pumbaa here/ 'cos he is a treat/Come on down and dine/ On this tasty swine/ All you have to do is get in line..."

5. "Hey, baby, could you not hum 'Hakuna Mutata' while you go down on me? It kind of ruins it for me."

6. "You misunderstand baby, I said I was a Mountin' Lion. Roll over."

7. Even the animal kingdom has its version of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher.

8. "Dear Penthouse, I'm a lion cub in the San Diego Zoo. I never thought anything like this would ever happen to me..."
Real Caption

Friday, September 16, 2005

L'Esprit d'Escalier

1. "Damn, that bar must have been darker than I thought."

2. "C'mon baby, let me show you to my swing-pad. Have you ever seen hardcore p0rn on a 42-inch screen? It will blow your mind."

3. "Yup, here I am, young and cute and full of life, and there you are, Grandma. Just running out the clock. One slip-and-fall away from the oblivion of eternal night. Ain't it a bitch?"

4. "Hurry up, Grandma! I wanna show you the video I found of grandpa in black socks and a leather mask wrestling with the UPS man."

5. "Just a few more steps, she'll come up to the trip-wire and, 'Hell-o big fat inheritance.'"

6. "We told Dog the Bounty Hunter to F*ck himself, so you'll probably be safe here for a while, grandma."

7. "Don't be afraid, Grandma, they just sent me to make your journey to the spirit world easier."

8. "The bathroom's right up this way, Grandma. You think you can hold it in this time? We had to pay two hundred bucks to clean the carpets the last time you brought your incontinent ass over to visit."

9. "O.K., explain to me again about the negatives, and how Dick Cheney wants you killed." Whispering, "Call 9-1-1. Call 9-1-1!"

10. Grandma chuckled to herself, "O.K., Billy, I'll come up and see where the 'Pinhead' man showed you the portal to the Hell Realm."

Apologies to: Here

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Could This Be More Racist?

Only if the boat were filled with Colt 45.1. Michael Moore's personal assistants bring a light snack between takes of his Hurricane Katrina "documentary."

2. Putting their FEMA Emergency Relief debit cards to work, Tyrone and Leroy round up some buckets to help bail out their flooded homes.

3. "So, I said to him, 'Yeah, I know who you are. And I Am Sam was a g-dd-m piece of crap.' Then, I held his head under the water until the bubbles stopped and took his boat. Want some chicken?"

4. Bad idea: Michael Brown in Charge of Hurricane Relief. Worse idea: Dave Chappelle in charge of hurricane relief.

5. I don't get it. What's so racist about cruising for chicks?

6. "The way we figure it, who's gonna notice one more corpse of an old white guy in a white suit floating in the floodwater."

7. In the Quentin Tarantino version of Moby Dick, Queequeg plugs Ahab in the face with a .45 while reciting the old testament, then takes a boat load of Extra Crispy back into the hood.

8. Unable to get funding from a major studio for a film version of The Old Man and the Sea, the director was forced to resort to Extreme Product Placement.

Hat Tip: Knowledge is Power

"Here I Sit All Broken-Hearted..."

1. Instead of our usual Caption fodder, Caption This presents a peek into George Michael's subconscious.

2. Federico Fellini's ad campaign for Home Depot played well in the Blue States.

3. The NEA Grant committee was unimpressed. "Can't you crucify the Tidy Bowl Man, or put an American flag on the seat? Throw us a bone, will you?"

4. Now, all Andrew Sullivan had to do was wait for a thirsty dog and his public-sex-bestiality-tearoom fantasy would finally come true.

5. The Designers of the Flight 93 Islamic Crescent Memorial followed up with a design for a Memorial to Gitmo Koran Abuse.

6. The guys who were supposed to bring the giant papier-mache puppetheads just sort of got high and wandered off, so the protestors had to improvise.

7. "Hey, Fellini, you done with that sports page?"

8. Orwell's last unfinished manuscript described a dark, future dystopia where personal privacy had been eliminated, and bowel movements were monitored by yellow jumpsuited "Hygiene Brigades" for duration, size, and quality.

9. "Hey, look, human excrement... and they're protesting something."

10. "Hey, guys, one of the Olson twins just called. She just finished lunch and wants to know if any of you are going to get up soon."

Real Caption

Hat Tip: The Man

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Do the Humpty Hump

1. Andrew Sullivan quickly grew annoyed with the boyfriend's Slim Pickens fetish.

2. I'd hate to see the flesh tuxedo.

3. "All right, let's fire these things into those levees and drown some black people!"

4. "I never should have put my human penis into her sharkgina."

5. I am reminded of the irony of Rock Hudson in Ice Station Zebra saying "I am not sticking another torpedo up that spout."

6. "Dr. Freud, you have a call on the white courtesy phone! Dr. Freud, please pick up the white courtesy phone!"

7. "Hey, are those hippies from the other day still around? 'Cos I just had an an awesome bong idea."

8. "It's a torpedo... but I am happy to see you."

9. 'Ow to speak Australian: "Strap On."

10. The new Bob Dole Viagra commercials were deliciously whimsical.

Ripped From the Galleries of: He Humps Things

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Blogs4Bauer Challenge

I was challenged by Blogs4Bauer-dot-com to write a scenario related to the addition of Sean Astin (Sam from LOTR) to the cast of '24.' My scenario is based on Sean Astin's character in the movie '50 First Dates,' and incorporates elements of the movies 'Orgazmo' and 'Agent For HARM.' Join us, won't you?

JACK BAUER's new partner, STUART OGAMO (Sean Astin) -- a Mormon with an addiction to anabolic steroids and a severe lisp -- has infiltrated the headquarters of the mysterious terror king known only as NEUTERED MAN. However, his cover has been blown by Karl Rove in revenge for his wife taking up Rove's white house parking space. NEUTERED MAN sends two seductive agents to find out what OGAMO knows, and then kill him. CHLOE O'BRIAN (a.k.a. POTATO FACE) hacks into a Spice Channel satellite to monitor the action as the twin agents (MARK KATE and ASHLEY OLSON) move in on Ogamo as he lies in a dimly lit motel room bed.

The following takes place between 2:00 am and 3:00 AM

We're the ass-f*ck twins.

I can't thay that. Can I call you thomething elthe?

But we're the Ass f-ck Twins.

Couldn't I call you the Naughty Twins or thomething?

No, you *couldn't* just call us the Naughty Twins.

Why would you call us The Naughty Twins when we get f-cked in the ass all the time?

Well, that'th pretty naughty.

The girls move in on him and began rubbing his body, licking his face.

Why doeth your breath thmell like Ipecac?

There is no escaping us, Ogamo

Prepare to meet your doom.

Thith ith jutht like that wet dream I had last night.


I'm putting a stop to this. Send in the ponies and the trained equestrians.

JACK BAUER (hushed, into cell phone)
It's the wrong play. The wrong play. Dammit, doesn't this guy know what he's doing?

Jack, you're on thin ice here. I could have you horse-whipped.And bring me some pie.

Damn it, Michael. You think this is all there is to America? Apple pie and all that jazz? Well it's my job to keep the pie on the table and no-one questions how I do it.

Monday, September 12, 2005

"They're not people, they're hippies!"

1. "No, smoking pot will not make you shrink. It's just a matter of altered perception... dude."

2. "This sh*t's no good. I smoked a whole bowl and I still don't believe Bush ordered helicopters to strafe black people in New Orleans."

3. "Wow, Martha Stewart was right. The brownies do pack a better punch if you boil out the THC in butter instead of just throwing in the buds."

4. The 'Air America' Accounting Department celebrates the clearing of another check.

5. "Dude, it's come to our attention that you only want to drum show tunes and Madonna's dance hits. Is there, like, something you're trying to tell us, Dude?"

6. "Hey, some of Mother Sheehan's followers just suggested a name for our movement. Ascendant, Rising Youth Against a Neocon Nation. 'ARYAN Nation' I think it sounds cool!"

7. "These are what we call the giggling stoners, pretty common form of hippies, usually found in attics. Problem is, if you see one hippy, theres probably a whole lot more you don't see. Where's the back yard?... Yeah, that's what I thought. You see that? You got a drum-circle in your backyard."

8. "I don't understand it, man, I drummed as hard as I could. I drummed like I have never drummed before...and John Kerry still lost."


10. "Check it out. Sean Penn is trying to bail out our bongwater."

Yeah, that's my alma mater. I'm so proud. Story and Photo: Detroit News

Why Is This Man Laughing?

1. "I screwed up the evacuation, I didn't put any supplies in the emergency shelters, I let the streets of my city descend into chaos ... and all I have to do is whine about racism and everybody blames you. It's a beautiful thang, baby!"

2. "All right. You're huge. You win. I admit it. Now, wipe that stupid grin off your face and let's get back to the damage assessment."

3. "Am I a chick magnet? Guilty as charged."

4. Bush is skeptical, but the mayor assures him that in France, a quarter pounder with cheese is called a "Royale" with cheese. Bush agrees that that is "some crazy sh*t."

5. "So, it's settled then. First one to the tree represents the superior race. Ready, set..."

6. "Well, mom didn't really mean that about people in the Astrodome being happier that way since they were underprivileged to begin with. She's kind of 'in and out' if you know what I mean."

7. "Yeah, I know exactly what you mean, I have to deal with Governor Blanco. In and out and dumb as a bag of hammers."

8. "Sorry, Mr. President, it just cracks me up the way you mispronounce 'mo-fo.'"

Real Caption

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Celebrities Pretending to Care

1. "Fifty? ... Oh, man, you're busting my balls."

2. "Oh yeah...Do me you hot stud..Oh god you're so big...mmmm..harder...I'm coming... ...oh yes...yes...!"

3. "Yeah, yeah, you lost your house in the hurricane and the police shot your dog. Boo hoo. We all got problems."

4. "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! I got mail! I got mail! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!"

5. "...OK, so that's one DVD of "Amateur Lesbian Fetishes" one DVD of "Naughty Cowgirls" And you also want the "Janet Reno Goes Anal" series, which is only available in VHS. Will that be....Huh? I'm sorry, we don't sell videos on murdering your husband and getting away with it, try Time-Life ...and how will you be paying for this, Mrs. Clinton, Visa or Mastercard?"

6. Giving Hurricane Katrina victims $2000 shopping cards led to boom times at QVC.

7. "Hello, you have reached the support group for people who've been emotionally damaged by Ben Affleck movies. For Jersey Girl Press 1, For Surviving Christmas, Press 2, for Daredevil, Press 3, For Gigli, hang up and dial 9-11, for Dogma... "

8. "Is this the Cocksucker residence?... 4215 Pussy Way?..."

9. "Telethon for Monaco... Do we have Prince Albert in the Can?... Well, if blowing truckers at a rest area counts, then, yeah, sure."

10. "Damn, girl, what kind of sick chick sucks helium before calling a hurricane relief... oh, sorry Kathy Ireland, I didn't realize it was you."

Saturday, September 10, 2005

"Moore, Moore, Moore... how do you like it? How do you like it?"

1. "Escort, my ass. You're a HOOKER Mikey, a HOOKER!"

2. The Invitation Read, "Black Tie or Evening Gown," and Mikey didn't own a black tie.

3. In honor of Jacques Chirac's birthday, Mikey dresses like a French Whore.

4. It was hard work shedding those five lbs at fat camp, but at last, Mikey could fit into his Donna Karan original.

5. "Jimmy Carter likes his tricks femme, so bugger off!"

6. "I'm not an America-hating socialist drag-queen publicity whore... I'm just photoshopped that way."

7. Marilyn Manson rejected the new album cover art as just too disturbing.

8. Rosie O'Donnell dressing up? Or Mikey Moore coming out of the closet. You make the call.

9. Arianna Huffington and Michael Moore share the same matter transporter... with shocking results.

10. Who invited Janet Reno to the Oscars?

Blatantly Stolen from: Sondra K

Friday, September 09, 2005

Stereophonic Baby Torture

1. "Alpha children wear grey. They work much harder than we do, because they're so frightfully clever. I'm awfully glad I'm a Beta... Ending is better than mending, the more stitches, the less riches..."

2. The clone Beatles were eventually broken up by the clone Yoko Ono.

3."Dude, you are like, so right. Dark Side of the Moon totally synchs up with The Wizard of Oz."

4. "Hey! Our necks are too underdeveloped to head bang!"

5. "I have to agree, George Clinton is the baddest muther-f**ker alive."

6. "Ah, I'm unconscious, passed out with an empty bottle next to me, and I have no bladder control. I feel like Ted kennedy."

7. "You know, I'm three weeks old, my eyes can't focus, and I know nothing of the outside world, but even I find Coldplay pretentious and derivative."

8. Jim Henson's Quadrophenia Babies.

9. Unfortunately, an absent-minded attendant flipped the switch and the babies ended up listening to a 24-hour Howard Stern marathon. They all grew up to be lesbian strippers.

10. "Oh, Jebus, they're playing 'N'Sync again. Where's Planned Parenthood when you need them?"

Real Caption

Thursday, September 08, 2005

News Item: Obese Moron to Make Katrina Documentary

1. "I'm a fat-assed freak/A hog without restraining/My appetite is immense/cos, oh, me so hungry/ Oh, me so hungry/Oh, me so hungry/Me shite a long time..."

2. "Bring me Solo and the Wookie. They will all suffer for this outrage."

3. "But when you're an overweight child, in a society that demands perfection, your sense of right and wrong, fair and unfair will always be tragically skewed."

4. "Yo... (wheeze) ... Kobe ... (gasp)... over here (gasp wheeze)... I'm... (drops dead from a massive coronary)..."

5. "And to save money making my Katrina documentary, we re-used clips from I Am Sam for Sean Penn's scenes. Test audiences couldn't tell the difference."

6. "Can you spare fifty cents a day to help a starving child in Africa? I'm Sally Struthers, for Feed the Children..."

7. "And then I said, 'Do I want to supersize those? Take a guess, wage slave!'"

8. "5,000 relief meals missing? I don't (burp) know anything about that."

9. Because test audience became physically nauseated as Michael Moore rubbed the burger over his scantily-clad body while he sang,"Thinkin' of you's workin' up an appetite/Lookin' forward to a little afternoon delight..." Hardee's decided to go with another Paris Hilton commercial instead.

10. "Yep, I ate the Church Lady and stole her glasses. Isn't that special?"

From: MSNBC on a tip from The Corner

Clown Orgy!

1. John Wayne Gacy returns from Hell to join Cindy Sheehan's 'Defeat America' bus tour. And, he brought friends.

2. "Is that Butt Drilling truck still following us? I told you guys not to seltzer those roughnecks. O.K. We'll send out Korky to take one for the team."

3. Louisiana Governor Katherine Blanco and her hand-picked team of emergency management experts arrive in New Orleans.

4. Due to a typo on their website, the Leftist Rent-a-Mob didn't realize they were going to an anti-cloning rally. Fortunately, no one noticed.

5. Can't sleep. Clowns will seat me.

6. "For the last time you guys, Enterprise was all out of tiny cars, so we had to rent the bus."

7. Robert Byrd and David Duke were co-hosts at the annual meeting of the Ku Klux Klowns.

8. "Looks like Doodles is being eaten by a swarm of compys and Jingles was just carried off by a pterydactyl. Maybe this clown tour of Jurassic Park wasn't such a good idea."

9. "Circus? No, this is the convention of Tammy Faye Bakker impersonators."

10. Don't bother...they're here.

Blatantly Stolen From: Knowledge Is Power

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Open Car Trunk Week Continues

1. "Okay, honey, next time, when I ask you to back up, press the accelerator gently."

2. "This reminds me of the time I was performing cunnilingus on Jennifer Lopez."

3. "Now, just slip the panel back into place, tip off the Border Guards, and Senator McCain will have some explaining to do when he gets back from Mexico. Man, I love working for Karl Rove."

4. "Hmm, standard collapsing circuit detonator, cheap Seiko timer ... very amateurish, Senator Clinton. You're going to have to do better than this to go into the primaries as a sympathetic widow."

5. Tired of hearing "Are we there yet?" on the annual trek to Provincetown, Andrew Sullivan rams the boyfriend's head into the trunk and slams the lid on him, breaking both his legs.

6. "Hurry up and bring me the gas can," Senator Byrd yelled. "That cross isn't gonna go up by itself."

7. It was pitched as Dukes of Hazzard meets Christine meets Little Shop of Horrors, but not even Ron Howard could salvage the muddled mess that was Car Shark!

8. "Hey! What happened to all the beer you looted?"

9. The Clintons were fastidious about having forensic evidence scrubbed from their cars every 3,000 miles.

10. "All right, Senator Kennedy, we'll have the ignition interlock disabled in about two minutes. I agree, those DWI laws are stupid. Who passes those things?"

Photo: Detroit News

President Bush With Some Kind of Metallic Structures In The Background

1. "Preparations A through G were complete failures, but I think Preparation H feels good, on the whole."

2. "Pull your finger? In front of my solar-fusion-ignition device? That could wipe out a four-state area."

3. "Told you I could slam a six-pack, strip naked, and climb up one of those things. Now, pay up!"

4. "Hey, those Borg seemed like pretty nice fellas. Besides, their 'Assimilation Cube' will bring a lot of jobs to this area."

5. "A photo-op that looks like a 1980's Depeche Mode album cover? The Gen-Xers ought to dig that."

6. "All I wanted was a simple 'Resettlement Camp' where I could temporarily relocate my political opposition to after the coup in 2007, and you Halliburton dinguses build some freakin' Space Age Taj Mahal."

7. "Apparently, Bill Gates's House became self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern Time on August 29th. Why is this a problem again? Can't we just pull the plug? Check with FEMA."

8. "They say they want 'Energon Cubes' or they'll destroy the planet. What the Hell is an 'Energon Cube?' Get FEMA on that."

9. "This is the most powerful solar generator ever built, creating enough electrocity to run an electric football game... if it's not cloudy out."

10. "'Weather Machine?' Yeah, right. 'Direct massively destructive hurricanes to any point on Earth' What a maroon! '$100 Mil or he wipes New Orleans off the map!' What kind of a sucker does he think I am?"

11. "All those billions. And all we find out is that the g*dd*mned aliens look like Jodie Foster's father! Screw that!"

Real Caption

Quick! To The Sully-Mobile!

1. Inspired by Jane Fonda and Cindy Sheehan, Barney Frank luanched his own cross-country bus tour.

2. Still an improvement over the company's former logo -- a derrick gushing oil from the top.

3. The roughnecks never could figure out why that one swishy bank clerk always wrote his phone number on the deposit receipt when they cashed their paychecks.

4. Bruce the Gay Geologist received a lot of employment offers, but in the end, he had to follow his heart.

5. After he filed for bankruptcy, Dr. Sullivan realized that humor didn't always sell in the proctology business.

Hat Tip: Sondrak

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

The Iron Dingbat Teabags A Child

1. "Sure, I'd love to go back to your gingerbread house, Senator Clinton."

2. "Wow, Mrs. Clinton. If we could have had your ass to shelter it, we could have saved the house."

3. "Yeah, yeah, you white women always say it's like rubbing a sheep's head. Most of you don't rub it with their boobs, though."

4. "Hope you like it in there, Kirk. Because Zargon and I have no intention of returning your bodies."

5. Hillary thought the Psychedelic Soccer Ball was cute until she got the crap kicked out of her by 5,000 Interdimensional Arsenal fans.

6. "So, Pamela Anderson donated one of her implants to help the Katrina evacuees. How nice."

7. A pygmy tribesman offers a gift to the junior senator from New York while behind her, others mutter "Sisi wuhoyafe ane ka m'bara ti ellen ucuru", which in swajili means, "flats and a pantsuit, I told you she was a dyke."

8. "Sauron's all-seeing eye? Hm, I may need that later."

9. "Dear, why don't you give that nasty, sticky ball back to Al Franken?"

10. "Give it to Hillary, Hillary knows what to do with it much better than you do." Hillary would later describe her tax policy as, "So simple, even a child could understand it."

Real Caption

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Spicoli Springs into Action

Yeah, Funny Story About This Pic.

1. "I'm used to toxic fluids leaking from holes while the thing I'm riding on goes down on me. After all, I used to be married to Madonna."

2.While it is true that rats will flee a sinking ship, some less intelligent creatures fail to do so.

3. "I swear to God if you sing the Gilligan's Island theme again I'm going to shove this right up your ass."

4. "Yaaarrrrgh! We be Spicoli and the Ass Pirates. Prepare to be boarded and surrender yar booty!"

5. "Spicoli, he's drowning! I really don't think giving him a drink is going to help."

6. Not quite a 'Ship of Fools,' more like a 'Boat of Idiots.'

7. Sean Penn's obsession with remaking The African Queen led directly to the drowning death of RuPaul.

8. "All right, Spicoli, we understand your heart will go on, and your heart is an ocean of secrets, but just come clean. Did you bang Leo DiCaprio or not?"

9. "Behold the Ass of actor Sean Penn; nobody knows whereall it's been. For fifteen years it kept its viginity; not a bad record for this vicinity." "Knock it off, Bruce."

10. "Looks like Shelley Winters didn't drown after all. Hand me the wrench."

The Real Challenge Is To Avoid the Obvious Michael Jackson Caption

1. Tyler covered his ears. "I knew this was an intervention! I knew it! I knew it!"

2. "Check it out. Dick Cheney is shtupping Cokie Roberts under the bleachers... and signalling Kobe that he's open!"

3. When his friends were tripping, Tyler enjoyed screwing with their minds by pretending his head was detachable.

4. "What the hell is a chafing dish, anyway?" "It's a traditional serving piece used to keep food warm for buffets and brunches." "I thought that was a Crock-Pot." "No, that's for cooking all day."

5. "Ever since we watched that old Scanners movie, Tyler's not taking any chances."

6. "Hey, did you guys also sense the sudden drop in atmospheric pressure?"

7. "... And the rockets red glare/The bombs bursting in air/In Bushco's illegal oil war for Isreal..." Cindy Sheehan was never invited to sing the national anthem again.

8. "Wellie, wellie, wellie, my droogs. Who's up for a night of ultraviolence?"

9. "Do you guys ever imagine what it would be like to be out on the field, cheering your heart out, wearing a darling little skirt that came all the way up your thighs and shaking your pom-poms. Guys? Guys?"

10. Oh, what the Hell. "That's a pretty good Macauley Culkin impression, but Michael Jackson's not having any more sleepovers at Neverland."

Saturday, September 03, 2005

I Don't Know What the Hell It Is Either

1. "The Press Conference is in ten minutes, but I need twenty minutes to assume human form after I exit the Demon Realm. Tell them I'm... making love to my husband." "But Senator Clinton, shouldn't I tell them something believable?"

2. Blank expression. Half a brain. It's a Daily Kos poster all right.

3. "Mirror, Mirror, on the wall Holy Shit!!"

4. "The rest of Mr. Dahmer's apartment looks clean, I'm just gonna take a peek here in the freezer Holy Shit!!"

5. Highlight of the suspense classic, Hannibal Lechter Meets Little Orphan Annie.

Hat Tip: John Schneider

One Came My Way

1. Due to his ambiguous skin tone, the AP spent hours debating whether he had "looted" the beer, or merely "found" the beer.

2. The carjacking of Homer Simpson.

3. The man would later blame being pulled over for his DUI on "Racial Profiling."

4. The man sat on the hood and pondered his life. "If only I had stayed in school, kept a job, I could have moved into a better neighborhood and looted Sam Adams and Tsingtao into the back of a Volvo Station Wagon."

5. "I should get a gun," the man thought. "I don't want some thieving a-hole to steal this beer from me."

6. "So, was there anything else your mom wanted us to bring?"

7. An engineer looks at this picture and thinks only, "If they had stacked the beer to take maximum advantage of the interior volume of the trunk, they could have easily doubled their haul." *

8. "Delivery for Mr. Kennedy? Mr. Ted Kennedy?"

9. "Man, I tell you what. You don't loot beer, you just borrow it."

10. "G-ddam busybody social-workers callin' me an unfit parent. I'll show 'em. I'll show 'em all!"

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* C.J.'s Idea

Friday, September 02, 2005

Fuzzy Happy Baby Cats

1. "Check it out, Pepe LePew is exposing himself."

2. "Wow, Cheney's really puttin' it to the Cokie Roberts in the haystack!"

3. "Oh, no... Howard Dean caught Mittens!"

4. "Hey! It's Ted Nugent! Let's get him!"

5. "Yeah, Socks thinks he's really hot sh*t since he became Hillary's familiar."

6. Hot young p-u-s-s-I-E, in YOUR Inbox!

7. "Yeah, well I'm gonna be adopted a by Goth College chick... oh, wait, that's bad."

8. "Stage 1 is complete. We have crapped in her slippers. Now, we wait for Stage 2, in which we will awaken her at night with an urgent need to be let out."

9. "I told you Whiskers would chew on the extension cord if we dared him. What a dumbass."

10. "Run you guys! Andrew Sullivan just came in... and he's got that look!"

Hat Tip: Divine Miss M

Smell My Face

1. Madrid, 1932: Ernest Hemingway cruises for Rough Trade.

2. Now we know why Baptists eschew terrorism: it could lead to dancing.

3. "Ah, little Ahmed! The boy who used to molest my goats. Wow, you've gotten big. So, how's the jihad treating you?"

4. Ahmed thanks his ACLU attorney and prepares to board the New York subway.

5. "Damn, you weren't kidding, that is one ginormous goiter. May I touch it?"

6. "Look, it was just a one-night stand. Get over it."

7. "Gee, dude, why is 'ArchDuke Ferdinand' back there in such a pissy mood?"

8. "... and as he started to go/He said 'Ahmed, keep your head low/Ahmed, don't be a martyr/Come back to me...'"

9. "Welcome back from the Intifadah, son. We left your room just the way you left it. And we had the gimp costume dry-cleaned."

10. "Are those Bugle Boy fatigues you're wearing?"

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