Wednesday, August 31, 2005

How Much For Your Little Boys? Sell Them To Me!

1. "Yoo-hoo, Aladdin? Where are you?"

2. Michael Jackson goes prospecting for tissue donors to reconstruct his nose and strikes gold.

3. "You do WHAT with goats? That's sick! Aren't there any ten-year-old boys in your country?"

4. "... shaved and brought to my tent? Well, if the first part is even necessary, for get about it!"

5. "So, those 72 virgins I get if I martyr myself, does the Koran provide any information on... um, the precise nature of those virgins?"

6. Boyfinger is delighted to learn that under shari'a law all elementary school gym classes are clothing optional.

7. "Now, Mr. Jackson, if you should feel nervous when you address our youth group, just picture the audience naked. Surely, that will not be a problem for you."

8. "And so, you see, in addition to the investment potential, there are numerous tax advantages to locating in the... hello? hello? ... Damn, he's staring off again. Who's idea was it to hold our meeting in a middle school locker room?"

9. Magritte's lost masterpiece, Ceci n'est pas un pedophile.

10. "Hey, you can only depend on pay-offs and idiot juries for so long. What did you say the age of consent was here?"

Real Caption

I Know a Man Who Can Help You, a Man by the name of "El Kabong!"

1. "I'm a freak in heat/A dog without warning/My appetite is sex/cos, oh, me so horny/ Oh, me so horny/Oh, me so horny..."

2. "And now a song about the Rolling Stones and how they can kiss my pale white ass!"

3. "Sure, I can do a Red Hot Chili Peppers song... just let me get my sock out."

4. "There is only one river/There is only one sea..." No one noticed the little girl's IV had been knocked out.

5. "I gave my love a cherry / That had no stone / I gave my love a chicken / That had no bones / I gave my love a story / That had no end / I ..." Suddenly, Dick Cheney grabbed the guitar and smashed it against the wall. "Sorry."

6. "Idiots," thought Bush. "How hard can it be to grasp the principle that an amplifier that goes to 11 is one louder than one that only goes to 10?"

7. "...cos, you're too shy shy/Hush hush/Eye to eye/You're too shy shy/hush hush..."

8. Every day, Bush woke up to "I Got You Babe," it was August 30th all over again, and he was stuck in El Mirage. But at least he took the opportunity to learn blues guitar and score with Andie MacDowell.

Hat Tip: The Corner

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

The Greatest Generation

1. "I knew your dad in WWII. We used to go whoring together in Tokyo. Did you know you have a half-brother named Hoshi?"

2. "Wow! You really lost both shins fighting the Tojos in World War II?"

3. "Yeah, in WWII some crazy bitch used to camp outside Hyde Park and root for the Nazis. I put two bullets right between her eyes from 200 yards and I'm still a damn good shot, if you catch my meaning, Mr. President..."

4. "Wow, feel that forearm. You've been working out. Are you busy later, Mr. President?"

5. "Come on, Mr. President, Don't be shy. Dance with an old man and make him happy... Dance with me/I want my arms about you/The charms about you/Will carry me through to heaven/I'm in heaven/And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak..."

Typical Agendized AssPress Caption

Ward Churchill Visits Mother Moonbat

1. Do my fingers still smell like Al Sharpton? Yes, they do.

2. "Whew, do you think you drank enough firewater, chief? Try not to breathe near an open flame, okay?"

3. Mother Moonbat becomes an official member of the Village People. Jeff Kay is so jealous.

4. Mother Moonbat flashes back to her night in the 'Love Tent' with Michael Moore. The things that man could do with a feather.

5. "Chief, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, Tuhrayzun Heinz Kerry wants to know if you could run your head-dress over the woodwork?"

6. "Your new name will be, 'Bat Who Barks At Moon.'"

7. "Wow, Al Sharpton sure did take off in a hurry when you invited him into the 'Love Tent.'"

8. "Your new Indian name will be, 'Stinks With Hippies.'"

9. "Get off my ancestors' occupied land and go back to Ireland, you white devil bitch."

10. An Indian pays homage to the white cow held sacred by his people.

11. Obscure Reference Only the Divine Miss M Might Get: The chief wondered if 'Bat Who Barks at Moon' would show pleasant enthusiasm if he mounted her.

Real Caption

Chavez, You Two-Timing Slut!

1. So, what's with the velvet painting of Michael Jackson, Jesse wondered.

2. Jesse Jackson's suspicions were mounting. If this was really Hugo Chavez, why was was he talking about Star Trek and shilling for Priceline?

3. "Yeah, I took a couple of stripes off the Rainbow Coalition sash because people were starting to think I was a fag. I've got a half-dozen bastard kids, you know."

4. I'd bet fifty bucks that ain't the only fluid from Juan Valdez he's consumed, Jesse thought to himself.

5. "Disco Jesse would like to get messy..."

6. As a teenage waiter in an all-white club, Jesse used to amuse himself by spiking the coffee of guests with his own bodily fluids. Hugo was about to find out that some things never changed.

7. Bored beyond belief by Castro's droning speech, Jesse never noticed the parasitic alien starfish that had attached itself to his chest. Hugo just wondered what that weird taste in his coffee was.

8. "Fidel always made me breakfast," Hugo fumed to himself. "This creep just buys coffee then listens to his Walkman. Cheap bastard. What about my needs."

9. Hugo racked his brain, "Jesse, Michael, LaToya, Sheila Jackson Lee... are there any non-crazy Jackson's. O.K., maybe Samuel L., but the verdict's still out."

10. "You should like this coffee, Mr. Jackson. The beans were picked in the fields of my own plan... um... tation." Suddenly, there was an awkward silence.

Hat Tip: A.M. Mora y Leon

Real Caption

Monday, August 29, 2005

More Fun with Al and Cindee

1. "Hrrrrr-ock ptui!"

2. "Baby, let's mate and have some caramel-colored, media-whore children."

3. Reverend Sharpton fought for restraint, although he knew one quick sharp turn of her neck and the media would be all his, once again.

4. "Your Hands do the work of 10,000 highly trained lesbian jumping beans." -- Courtesy: Surreal Compliment Generator.

5. "Of all the media whores I've ever met, I like you best."

6. "Admit it, I make you wet, don't I?"

7. "Let's head over to the 'Love Tent.' Remember, the safety word is 'banana.'"

8. "Hey, I can see your nipples through that top; color, shape, aureolas, everything!"

9. "Oh, Al, nothing gets my motor running like a thick, greasy thatch of armpit hair."

10. "... a pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven!" Al and Cindy soon found they had extremely compatible senses of humor.

Hat Tip: Michelle Malkin via Lawhawk

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Mother and Brother Moonbat

1. Insert "Hillary's Big Fat Ass" Caption here.

2. Unfortunately, Al Sharpton had cut and pasted the wrong talking points into his cue cards, and was telling supporters Cindy Sheehan was "in a persistent vegetative state," and should not be starved to death. No one noticed, though.

3. "Damn, you hippies sure do attract a lot of flies."

4. "Yo! Kobe, over here, I'm open. Right here, next to the crazy white bitch."

5. Cindy Sheehan is struck that from the right angle, Al Sharpton is a dead ringer for Della Reese.

6. Al Sharpton, suddenly realizing what effect rising petroleum prices will have on his hair oil, suddenly suffers a massive coronary.

7. Hey, wouldn't it be ironic if Al Sharpton debated Robert Byrd on Crossfire?

8. "Yadda yadda yadda racism ...yadda yadda yadda economic inequality...(damn, that bitch smells like a septic tank backed up) ...yadda yadda yadda people united, not defeated, et c... "

9. Note to race-hustlers: When speaking in public, try not to gesture like Al Jolson.

10. "Whew, it's hot out here. Would any of you Stormfront guys mind goose-stepping over to the concessions and getting me some bottled water?"

Take Me Out to the Ball Park

1. "Ever see a grown man naked?"

2. "Don't worry, son. Umps wear protective cups for that reason. I'm sure he won't file charges..."

3. "You looked like a monkey f**king a football out there. What the hell were you thinking?"

4. "Here's twenty. Keep the spread inside two runs. You got it?"

5. "I can't believe you guys lost by that much! What a bunch of sissies!"

6. "Unelected U.S. President George W. Bushitler attempts to recuit young boys to die in his illegal oil war for the benefit of his oil buddies and the Zionist neo-con cabal." -- Gee, Reuters tell us how you really feel.

7. "The best part is, it really doesn't matter if you win or lose. You can still sell your cups to perverts on eBay and make a fortune!"

8. "Are you wearing a cup, Mr. President?"

9. "Sorry that foul ball you hit killed your mom, but look on the bright side, no more 'clean your room,' 'do your homework,' blah blah blah..."

10. "And Laura wants to pass on that even though you lost, your pitcher had by far the perkiest buttocks she's ever seen on a 12-year-old."

Here We Are Now, Entertain Us

1." "I'm a freak in heat/A dog without warning/My appetite is sex/cos,oh, me so horny/ Oh, Me so horny/Oh, me so horny/Me love you long time..."

2. Average age: Still younger than the Rolling Stones.

3. Fortunately, it wasn't warm, because when it was warm, Herbert (on violin) would wear a raspberry beret and not much more.

4. "Back in the 80's, we were the Thompson Twins."

5. "In ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn of history, an ancient race of people... the Druids. No one knows who they were or what they were doing..."

You Kids Get Out of My Yard!

1. Dale used to be an engineer on the B&O. Now, he just makes choo-choos in his Depends, which leads to B.O.

2. "Do I look like a serial killer Nazi pervert? You just keep right on walkin', caption boy."

3. "Where is that muscly-armed paperboy?"

4. Ashton Kutcher eventually moved on from Demi Moore, but his love of trucker caps was life-long.

5. "I really should go in and clean my bong."

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Welcome to Kid and Geezer Weekend

1. "See, Billy, I told you that weekend at Neverland Ranch would pay off for us."

2. "30 points for the cripple."

3. "Really, grandpa, you and Anna Nicole Smith? You magnificent bastard."

4. "... and then he said, 'no, I can't play go-carts with you, I have to water my flowers,' so I kicked his ass."

5. "No, grandpa, NASCAR, dammit, not Formula One. I want to pretend you're Dale Earnhardt and I'm Jeff Gordon. Then, while they're prying your charred remains from a hulk of twisted metal, I'll be getting my pork sword serviced by Daisy-Duke-wearing groupies from the cheap seats."

I Regret Nothing!

1. High fuel costs led to some major plot revisions to Dukes of Hazzard II.

2. Q. How do you know when a southerner's about to die? A. He says, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"

3. "... and if the waters reject your body, then the test is positive." Lance Armstrong increasingly felt like the French were just on a witch hunt.

4. The boy scout's escape was made easier by the fact that Barney Frank's pants were around his ankles.

5. "How do you like me now, E.T.? Yeah! Dunked your sorry alien ass."

Real Caption

Friday, August 26, 2005

Sing with me, "He's got an unidentified substance... in his hands!"

1. All I know is, I'm going to look really dumb if this isn't actually shinola.

2. Gesundheit!

3. "Wow, Cindy Sheehan's last shred of decency. I wonder how much it will fetch on eBay."

4. Peter Parker's less fortunate brother was bitten by a radioactive dung beetle.

5. For centuries after the Catholic Church elevated Calista Flockhart to sainthood, worshippers treated the relics of her Holy Bulimia with utmost reverence.

6. "Anybody got a fan I can hit this with?"

7. Matt didn't understand why his friends thought was nothing cooler than "getting shit-faced on the weekend," but he was determined to find out for himself.

8. "I can't believe I almost stepped in this!"

9. "Matt Damon... in the woods... with a turd." Caption or Clue solution. You be the judge.

10. "At last, the final piece is in place for DailyKos's Master Plan to Destroy the DLC (TM). Wait until he flings this at Tom Vilsack!"

Blatantly Stolen from: Mr Cranky

Katrina and the Waves

1. "So, how many of you have actually had your finger pulled by a Category 2 Killstorm?"

2. "We believe this area of intense low pressure over Crawford is being caused by atmosphere being drawn out of the atmosphere and into thousands of hippie craniums."

3. "Gesundheit."

4. "They're here."

5. Then, he accidentally touched the mouse, his Hurricane Screensaver disappeared, and everyone saw the 'Barely Legal Teens and Farm Animals' website he had been surfing.

6. "A Doppler radar picture is as good as a lava lamp after a couple of hits of windowpane."

7. "We tend to name hurricanes after girls we couldn't get dates with in high school, so people will make jokes about them 'blowing down half of South Florida.' It's a meteorologist revenge thing."

8. The 'Amorphous Green Blob Channel' was beaten in the ratings by every other cable channel except the Oxygen network.

9. "And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire... but anyway, about the hurricane..."

10. "Hey, who taped the weather channel over my copy of 'Hot Firemen in Heat."

Original Caption

Thursday, August 25, 2005

... y Ahora en Telemundo, "Pasiones de los Tyrants en amor"

"Dear Hugo, last night with you was bliss. I fear my.. orgasm has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever get back to work. I love you madly, Fidel.

1. "Does it feel good when I touch you there? It does, doesn't it?"

2. "Don't worry, cara mia. Fidel will protect you from Pat Robertson."

3. "Spank me, comrade! Spank me like a four-year-old at Kmart!"

4. "Let's call Jimmy Carter and see if he's up for a three way?"

5. "Aw, Hugo, you arranged to have a dissident tortured just for me?"

6. "Cindy Sheehan... or Jane Fonda." "Jeez, Comrade, if those were my choices, I'd just saw it off."

7. Singing "... Oh Fidel / How I'd love to lay you down / And lick every inch of your body with my tongue. / Fidel, you're my sexual fantasy. / How 'bout you and me get it together and make sweet love?..."

8. "Why don't I slip into a wrestling singlet and just let you... um, just feel around for a while?"

9. They say the only different between a straight brutal tyrant and a gay brutal tyrant is a six-pack.

10. "Come on, what was in my mojito ecstasy or roophies? It was ecstasy wasn't it? Wasn't it? Because I feel tingly and there's a warm glow emanating from your crotch..."

Blatantly Stolen from Moonbattery, but also suggested by Bubba Love

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

1. "Put your hand down and wipe that grin off your face, Rahim, I said I needed volunteers for 'Saddam,' not 'Sodomy.'

2. "You mean, all of you have had carnal relations with my goat. I'll kill that unfaithful little tramp!"

3. "Ricky Martin wants a foot massage, a spong bath, and a 'hot lunch.' Any volunteers?"

4. "Jane Fonda wants some insurgents to pose with her next to a road-side bomb. Any volunteers?"

5. "I know you guys are new to deer hunting, so let's review a few basics. Number 1, deer don't fly."

6. "Allah, be praised! 'Chess King' is having a clearance sale, so now we can buy fresh 'uniforms' for our insurgent group."

7. "All right... let me repeat this slowly... you... can't... make... it... rain... by... shooting... at ... clouds."

8. "All right freedom fighters! Let's go out there and kill some infidels for Mother Sheehan!"

9. "Okay, that's done. Who wants to keep the head?"

10. "With the new Constitution in place, our band of ruthless, savage idiots will have to disband. On the plus side, we've all been offered jobs with Microsoft Tech Support."

11. "Now, pay attention," said the suicide bomb instructor, "Because I'm only going to show you guys how to do this once."

Real Caption

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

And Now a Guy Who Is Really Unhappy with Fuji Film

Yutaka Fukufuji, who played with the Japan's national ice hockey team three times, displays his Los Angeles Kings jersey during a news conference in Tokyo

1. The "Free the Fuji 36" movement eventually provoked a backlash.

2. Under the provisions of the exchange, a fat Canadian was sent to Tokyo for Sumo training.

3. Apparently, Wayne Gretzky's dad visited a lot of Tokyo brothels during the war.

4. "I was just a normal Canadian boy. Then, puberty hit and I started turning Japanese."

5. Shamed by the jokes it provoked, and wanting to adopt something both Western and evocative of Canada, Yutaka Fukufuji eventually changed his name Harry Beaver.

6. Fuji's team-mates were pissed about his contract breaking the salary cap and found a way to make their feelings known.

7. By the end of the first period of his first NHL match, three announcers had been suspended for FCC violations.

8. The chanting at away games always made him wonder why the other team's fans would be rooting for him, specifically.

- Sourced -

Just Say "Ewwwww!"

1. "Nothing like toking up after a round of rough sex with a rock hard stud."

2. "I don't think I'm stoned yet. I still don't believe Bush is Hitler."

3. "You were expecting a hot 22 year old with luscious joybags straddling a 2,000 lb bomb? You must be new to the world of on-line personal ads."

4. "Aw, damn, dropped my colostomy bag."

5. "Ah, this takes me back to the wrap party for Reefer Madness, back at Allen Ginsburg's place, with Jack Kerouac and Bob Dole doing me Eiffel Tower style."

6. Dude in background: "Shit, dawg, look at the cape. Granny must got some primo chronic. Let's take her to the space needle and convince her she's Superman."

7. "The dude in the dress? Says his name's Barney Frank. Claims to be a Senator or something. Keeps trying to get me to go back to his playroom."

8. "Dude, am I hallucinating, or is there a really old chick standing there with no pants?"

9. Estelle Getty wasn't the only Golden Girl to turn to drug abuse in order to put up with Bea Arthur. Rue McLanahan became hopelessly addicted to oxycontin while Betty White simply shot heroin.

10. "OK, I must be stoned now, I think communism would work."

Real Caption

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Meet Mr. Bomb

1. Best. Dr. Strangelove. Remake. EVER!

2. "Get that thing off my suppositories!" Andrew Sullivan huffed.

3. "Yeah, they dropped 15 bombs on us, but not only were they all duds, they also lined up perfectly upon landing." And the AP Reporter believed every word of it.

4. I think my favorite episode of Baywatch was when they went back in time and single-handedly repelled Japanese invasion and Pamela Anderson pleasured herself on some bombs.

5. Screw your bunny with the pancake on his head, I prefer the hot chick with ordnance under her ass.

6. I bet she wonders why all the men she dates have no clue what color her eyes are.

7. Sometimes, a bomb is just a bomb.

8. It might be instructive to compare this picture with the other side's version of a hot chick.

9. "Hey, Mr. Islamist, would you care to explain to me and my 2,000 lb. friends here why I should be wearing a burkha?"

10. "Gilligan, why do you think the Professor has been stockpiling all these nukes?" "Gee, I don't know, Mary Ann. Nice rack, by the way."

Rip-Off Trail: Free Will via Gullyborg via SondraK

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Breaking Away

Armstrong, 33, called Bush “one competitive dude,” but said in the ABC interview he had no doubt he could outpace Bush, even though trails can be challenging for road cyclists unaccustomed to rough, rocky terrain.

1. "Thanks for coming, Lance. Cheney and Rove aren't into cycling. They prefer using dirt bikes to chase rabbits until their hearts explode."

2. "From the sound of that explosion, I'd say one of Sheehan's Moonbats just found one of my Claymores."

3. "Mr. President, it's much more enjoyable riding with you than John Kerry. He kept falling over, blaming me for it, and calling me a 'sonofabitch.'"

4. "You think this is cool. Wait until the press is gone and Karl Rove levitates us."

5. "What a dupe. E.T. really thinks we're taking him home. How much farther to the Government Testing Lab."

6. "Lance, would you tell your hippie girlfriend to stop trying to smoke my marigolds?"

7. Mountain Biking with Lance was okay, but what Bush really looked forward to was next weekend's house destruction party with Slipknot.

8. "Seeing as we've both in our own way humiliated the French, Lance, I think you're really gonna like the flag arrangement at our next 'Pit Stop.'"

9. "Aw, crap, it looks like I grabbed Jenna's iPod by mistake. Damn, that girl sure does like Mexican drinking songs."

10. "Don't worry about rattlesnakes, I had my ranch hands round them up and put them, um, in a ditch adjacent to the property."

Blatantly Stolen From: Sondra K

Keep Looking, I'm Sure You'll Find It

1. Hold on, it's still not perfectly symmetrical

2. "Are you sure this is part of the standard check for steroids, or are you just playing with my balls?" "A little from Column A, and a little from Column B."

3. Airport security got weird after Andrew Sullivan took over the TSA.

4. "I am almost positive this violates the restraining order."

5. "Go to my happy place... go to my happy place... I'm in front of my garage... watering my flowerbed... dad is with me... ah, happy place."

6. "Are you sure this is where you lost your contact lens?"

7. "Can't we just cuddle?"

8. "Don't think of it as a cup, think of it as a gift box for a beautiful package."

9. "Dad, I realize you're trying to make up for running out on us when I was six, but this is really the wrong time and place to be teaching me the finer points of pocket pool."

10. "So, it's not a 'bad touch' if I'm wearing a wrestling singlet? These new rules sure are complicated."

Blatantly Stolen From: SondraK

Adjusted for Quail

I am so glad to hear that Demi Moore says she feels married to Ashton Kutcher. Not actually married, but I wouldn't want her to actually go to the hassle of signing the pre-nup, renting out the hottest Hollywood rave bar, and swearing an oath before a cult leader.

1. "Oh, just wait until we get to the car young man, mommy is going to give you such a spanking."

2. Ironically, in the middle of her pissy lecture about the proper way to pronounce her name, 'Duh-MEE' Moore was run down and killed by a 'SEM-Eye' truck.

3. "Hurry up, or we'll miss P. Diddy's entourage pistol-whipping the valet."

4. Q. What does Demi Moore do after she shaves her pussy? A. Puts a trucker's cap on his head and sends him to work.

5. "Do you have to do that lame-wad 'Dude, where's our car,' shtick every time we go anywhere?"

No Government Cheese

More Inoffensive Wholesomeness

1. "Yes, son, it is a lovely flower bed. I'm sure it will win first prize. (Sigh) Well, I guess I'll go watch the other boys your age practice football. If you hear someone locked in the bathroom, weeping with shame, that will be me."

2. "That should about do it. I'll bet those f**king Jehovah's witnneses will think twice before knocking on this door again, huh, dad?

3. "Water? I didn't use any water. By the way, you're out of vodka."

4. "Hey, dad, remember when I told you I wanted to plant a flower garden and you muttered something about there already being 'too many pansies around this house?' Well, I took your advice and went with petunias."

5. "...and the parts that wouldn't fit in the disposal I buried in this shallow grave. So what did you do today, dad?"

6. "They are,beautiful son. Too bad they're going to get ripped to shreds when I back out the Avalon. Next time, don't plant them four feet in front of the garage, you knuckledhead."

7. "It's not every kid would plant an elaborate memrorial garden and shrine to Peter Jennings. I think I understand now why you don't have any friends."

8. "No, this is a brand new watering head. Mom's old one was stuck on 'Hard Pulsate' for some reason."

9. "Refined and purified, I think we're looking at a street value well in excess of $14K here."

10. "Tell you what, Dad. You lay off about my flower garden in front of the garage, and I'll keep quiet about the meth lab in the garage."


Saturday, August 20, 2005

More Wholesome Inoffensive Goodness

1. "... Here we are now/Entertain Us/I feel stupid/And contagious..."

2. "Hey, just because you're married to Jerry Lee Lewis doesn't give you the right to criticize my piano-playing, missy!"

3. "I said she was one stiff pianist, what did you think I said?"

4. "Miss Bird? We're a little uncomfortable with these new lyrics to 'Candle in the Wind' you wrote for us... the ones that allude to your fantasy of shrimping Peter Jennings."

5. "All right children, now we're thisclose to getting the NEA grant. All I need you to do is, um, urinate on an American flag while singing deodorant jingles. Do you think you can manage that?"

6. "Okay, last recital, we did 'Constant Craving,' the one before that, we did 'Black Coffee' Now we're doing 'Miss Chataleine?' Miss Bird, care to come clean about your days as a k.d. lang groupie?"

7. "Miss Bird, may I make some suggestions? I think you should play the coda somewhat legato, it will give the hymn more grace and intimacy. Also, maybe it would work better without Billy's constant stream of shouted obscenities."

8. "Very nice rendition, Billy. But we're doing 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus,' not 'Baby Got Back,' although your point about Brittany's fine. fine ass is well taken."

9. "O.K. Children, you'll be right behind the President. When you get to the line" of the pilgrim's pride", scream Allah Akbar and set off your bomb belts. Allah will reward you all in paradise."

10. "I'm a freak in heat/A dog without warning/My appetite is sex/cos,oh, me so horny/ Oh, Me so horny/Oh, me so horney/Me love you long time..."

Source of Wholesomeness

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Papal Fashion Faux Pas: Red Pumps Before Labor Day

The bride wore a fabulous white Vera Wang gown with slightly mischievous red leather pumps.

1. "Ben, people are starting to whisper about your Judy Garland fixation."

2. Die-Hard Conservatives can now order wedding cakes with wax figurines of Newt Gingrich and Roy Cohn on top.

3. "Excuse me, I have to go into the woods and pinch off a few."

4. "Aside from almost fanatical devotion to me, what are your guys' chief weapons again?"

5. "Message from Robert Byrd. He likes your outfit, but he can't shake the feeling that there's something missing."

6. "Well, I'm the Pope, and if I want to 'go commando,' then I'll 'go commando.' What do you think I am, a Mormon?"

7. "Very funny, Senator Schumer. 'INRI stands for 'I'm nailed right in.'' You're a real funny guy." And that's why the pope excommunicated Long Island.

8. "The DNC called. They say they need an old priest and a young priest for Howard Dean's Exorcism."

9. "What do you mean I can't accessorize? I'm infallible, you nitwit."

10. Threatened with eternal damnation, the honor guard had no choice but to obey His Holiness's command to "Salute my butt."

Hat tip: Frank IBC

Give These People a State, Part II

1. "Lighter fluids for pussies, you said. Real men use gasoline to light their charcoal, you said."

2. The Palestinians try to recreate the famous "Fire Island" they had heard so much about.

3. "All right, now, let's form a drumming circle and discuss our feelings about our fathers."

4. "Whoa! Who knew 'flammable' and inflammable meant the same thing? Not me, that's for sure."

5. "Abu, you idiot! You were supposed to buy the insurance policy before you set your house on fire."

6. "And on that one special night, all the Palestinians stay up late, and curl up by the fire, because Kristallnacht comes but once a year."

7. For most viewers, the highlight of Jihad on Ice! is the beheading of Tonya Harding.

8. "Fabulous choreography girls! This is going to be the best production of The Music Man ever."

9. "Where can you be a martyr/Be blown into steak tartar/Rid the world of infidels?... Intifadah! Yes, you can blow up lots of Jews / Intifadah! Yes, you can hump some camels, too/ Intifadah! Intifadah!"

10. "Oh, can't we just once get a nice family portrait without a bright light in the background or everybody trying to martyr the photographer?"

11. "Notice how our camouflage uniforms make us practically invisible against the expanse of barren concrete."

Hat Tip: LFG

Give These People A State, Part 1

1. The All-Ninja version of Rapunzel opens on Broadway.

2. "I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. Now, go away before I taunt you a second time. "

3. "Ninja Orgy on the Balcony at Medieval Times! Ninja Orgy on the Balcony at Medieval Times!"

4. "And then, King Arthur's castle is swarmed by Ninjas, and all of the knights of the Round Table are sliced to pieces." --- twist ending to M. Night Shyamalan's Camelot.

5. Ninjas swarm the Honeycomb Hideout, yeah! yeah! yeah!

6. "We are he-man woman haters/ We feed girls to alligators/We don't want no stinking girls/Our black hoods look fab with pearls..."

1. After losing in Federal Court, Domino's was forced to make deliveries to the inner city. Certain precautions were also put in place.

2. "All right, men, we got a 14-58, Ninja Orgy on the Balcony at Medieval Times!"

3. Ahemd was the kind of guy who couldn't take a leak by the side of the road unless he was absolutely sure no one was watching.

4. COPS: Provincetown. "All right men, we got 6-88, man in leather hood sodomizing a beagle."

5. "Call Mr. Jihad, that's my name. That name again, is Mr. Jihad."

6. "All right you kids, we are strangers, nevertheless, you will take our candy!"

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

South American Moonbat Cave

1. Gordon thought people at the Petticoat Junction convention would love his Uncle Joe T-Shirt. The subsequent Ass-Kicking was awesome.

2. "I hate these blogger conventions. I wish Markos Zuniga would stop asking me to run for Congress."

3."Hey, baby... come on back to the dacha with me and I'll make your trains run on time... all night long... Awwwww---yeahhhh!"

4. Unfortunately, women soon found out that "Little Joe" would have been a more appropriate nickname than "Uncle Joe." Or would have found out, had there been any takers.

5. "Well, the guy in the FDR T-Shirt is stuck on the handicapped ramp, the guy in the Churchill T-shirt is passed out drunk... I guess I better go kill somebody."

6. When one guy doesn't get laid, it's a tragedy. When millions of guys don't get laid, it's a statistic. When this guy doesn't get laid, who the hell cares?

7. I see someone hasn't missed too many meals fretting over the plight of the proleterian worker.

8. As The Tick once said, "Evil comes in many forms, be it a man-eating cow or Joseph Stalin." Or in the case of this picture and the last, a little of both.

9. "A communist tattoo on a lady usually means, 'I'm an easy lay, but I'll bitch about everything.'" Miss Manners Excruciatingly Correct Guide to Scoring at Left-Wing Meet-Ups.

10. "Didn't any of you oppressed proletarian wage slaves bring any cake?"

10. "Excuse me, I have a call from my 'girlfriend' on my 'cell phone.' Hello, 'Anna Nicole' how are you doing?"

11. Everybody thought he was the ambassador from Tanzania, but the only words he knew in English were "Make 7. Up Yours."

Moonbats held a pro-totalitarian rally in Caracas. Pics stolen from Chase Me Ladies, I'm in the Cavalry.

Oh, No

1. As her tortured rendition of "I Touch Myself" went on and on, the air became thick with the smell of every man in the audience turning gay.

2. Just when you thought it could not possibly get any worse, Yoko commences her "Armpit Solo."

3. Say what you will, I think Kim Jong-Il looks fabulous in his studded yellow jacket.

4. (ORA!)"Day Eez No excaping us, Ohgazmo. Pee-pare ah mee so doom!"

5. "... and a big shout out to Courtney Love, Cindy Sheehan, and anyone else who, like me, pimped the corpse of a loved one for fame and fortune. Come on, ladies, don't leave me hangin'"

6. "Yo, Kobe! Over here, I'm open!"

7. "Stay Away from my boobs, Brigitte Neilson, or feel the Wrath of the Raised Fist of the Yellow Scorpion!"

8. "I... Am...KIROK!!!!"

9. Rejected Mortal Kombat Characters: Succubus Yellowjacket.

10. Yoko plots to seduce Brett Favre and break up the Green Bay Packers.

Blatantly Stolen From: Sondra K

Compare and Contrast

Then: The Clinton Team Deals With Terrorism

1. Reactions to Monica Lewinsky's strip-tease rendition of "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" were mixed at best.

2. Clinton's hand signals translated: Right -- No oral tonight, Monica. Left -- But I'm good for an internal prostate thumb massage.

3. "Yeah, I know, Jules sure does use the F-word a lot when he's offing somebody... oh, wait, this isn't Pulp Fiction, this is the video of Hillary capping Vince Foster."

4. "Jeez, Bill. I understand taping your wedding day with Hillary, but did you have to tape your wedding night too?"

5. It was bad that Bill liked to show his staff his homemade p0rn. It was worse that Hillary's favorite position was chili dog.

6. When Celine Dion sang at the White House, Bill Cohen covered his ears to shut out the shrill screeching, Madeleine Albright tried to claw her own eyes out, Bill just made Indian war whoops and sexually suggestive thumb gestures and Sandy Berger stuffed complimentary dinner mints into his shirt pockets.

7. Bill had to pretend to enjoy Hillary's poetry readings, but Madeleine Albright just went to her 'happy place'... sharing a hammock in the palace gardens with Kim Jong-Il.

8. Even after 49 times, it was still hilarious to send Al Gore on a snipe hunt and watch him in the White House Situation Room using NSA satellite tracking. Meanwhile, Osama gathered his forces.

9. No, seriously, Vince Foster did commit suicide. And after seeing this photo, I think we can understand why.

Now: The Bush Team Deals With Terrorism

1. "Hey, check out the hicks putting it to Ned Beatty Over There."

2. "Damn it, Rummy, would you please stop referring to my Secretary of State as 'Tits McGee.'"

3. "Hey, if 'Tits McGee' was good enough for Colin, it's good enough for Condi."

4. "For the last time, Rummy. You're Murdock, I'm Face, Condi is Hannibal, and Cheney is B.A. Baracus! Okay, let's get in the van."

5. Bush and Cheney thought the best course would be to ignore the moonbats gathered at the gates of the ranch, Condi thought Bush should meet with them, and Rumsfeld simply muttered "Napalm... lots and lots of napalm" under his breath.

6. "Where's Karl?" "He's back at the lab, modifying the mind control deception beam to penetrate aluminum foil. The moonbats will now need to quintuple layer to protect their brains. By the way, this would be a good time to buy ALCOA stock."

Blatantly Stolen From: The Jawa Report

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Friends of Mother Moonbat

A Cindy supporter who identified himself as a former "Beatnik." It was Griff’s first encounter with a real, live Beatnik.

1. "Smelly, broke, and haven't worked since the late '60's, but enough about my genitalia. Did I mention I'm a hippie?"

2. "Nah, it's not tie-dyed. Some leftist Kool-Aid drinkers threw up on me."

3. Uncle Jesse found the hippie crowd to be far more tolerant of his special relationship with cousin Daisy.

4. "Wow, this is just like Woodstock for me. Back at Woodstock, I also made pot money by selling low numbers to foot fetishists outside the love tent."

5. Willie Nelson drops by Camp Moonbat to share tax advice with Cindy Sheehan, a.k.a. St. Joan of Crawford.*

* Thank You, Jeff

Patient Zero takes a break from protesting to work on his budding music career.

1. "My Other Guitar is a Syringe... and My Other Hairpiece Is Chartreuse."

2. "Lesbian Seagull/Settle down and rest with me/Fly with me lesbian seagull/To my little nest by the sea ... "

3. "Carrot Top annoying? Are you mad?"

4. "When my brothers and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker."

5. "That's right, I'm a freak! I look like Frankenfurter with a bad dye job! I snort drain cleaner! That's right, everybody take a big steamy look at the left-wing circus freak!"

6. Paul Schaffer never realized that his night of passion with Ronald McDonald would produce a love child.

7. I'd do a Fifth Element Reference, but did anybody even see that freakin' movie?

Hat Tip: Tony Snow

Greetings from Mother Moonbat

Man who identifies himself as “Mr. Foot Massager.” A valuable member of the Sheehan Brigades Hierarchy.

1. "Thanks for indulging my foot fetish. You wouldn't mind stomping on some mice while I watched, would you?"

2. "Is that expression because of the foot massage, or my uncontrollable flatulence?"

3. "Yes, I had to invite the camera crew to join our foreplay. Don't you understand the concept of "Media whore," you imbecile?

4. "This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home, and this little piggy was murdered by Bushitler's evil Zionist oil cabal!"

5. "You know what's good for getting over the death of a child? Anal intercourse with a balding, middle-aged, foot fetishist."

6. "No, if you want to imitate the mainsteam media properly, you have to lick between my toes and clean the filth off the bottom with your tongue."

7. "By the way, I stepped in cowpie."

8. "Degenerate Worm! Mistress Sheehan commands you to suckle at my pinky toe. Did you just flinch? Oh, that is going to cost you, worm!"

9. "You know, maybe it's the half-bottle of Peppermint Schnapps, lid of fine chronic, four hits of ecstasy, the two hits of acid, and the overhwelming reak of patchouli oil stinging my eyes, and maybe it's the fact that I'm legally blind, tone deaf, and haven't gotten any since 1968... but you are incredibly hot, Mother Sheehan. What do you say after the massage, I put on the nipple clamps and you spank me?""

10. "Yeah, that's definitely a Deer Tick."

Hat Tip: Tony Snow dot com

Ebony and Silicone

1. "Hey, for an aging has-been who dresses like a cheap whore, you're actually kind of hot." "Thanks, Anna."

2. "Anna, that's a nice dress. I wonder how it would look crumpled up on my bedroom floor... or tied around my waist, or on me."

3. "Do you realize that as a couple, we could piss off Robert Byrd AND Rick Santorum?"

4. I see a whole litter of special ed kids resulting from this arrangement.

5. Rodman offered to waive his usual stud fee in return for Anna wearing a bag over her head.

6. "So, baby, what does Trim Spa say about eating long black sausages?"

7. "Damn," Rodman thought. "I would pick today to leave the cattle prod in the Escalade."

8. I want to say she's handled more dirty sausage than Upton Sinclair, but to put a literary reference into Anna Nicole's mouth would just strain credulity too much.

9. "C'mon, baby... let me get you some first aid for that disheveled hair projection."

10. "So, basically, you and Brigitte Neilson had a cat fight over me?" he asked. "More of a death match," she answered, spitting out a piece of earlobe.

Real Caption

Monday, August 15, 2005

That's One Ugly Frackin' Dog

1. "He's hideous, he drinks from the toilet, he pees on the sofa, and he whines all the time. But enough about Michael Moore, what do you think of my ugly-ass dog?"

2. "If his condition is natural, why is he so terrified of the deep fryer?"

3. "He was a lot prettier before the kids put him in that Indian burial ground."

4. "We did shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards, but it didn't help."

5. This year's hottest new pet: Chenobyl Puppies!!

6. "Hey, kids, look what we brought you back from the gates of Hell!"

7. This abomination unto the Lord resulted from mating a purebred lhasa apso with Helen Thomas.

8. Ted Kennedy has a dog named 'Splash.' In a similarly ironic twist, Cher has a dog named 'Horrible Plastic Surgery Disaster.'

9. "Oh, stop your whining. I'll Heimlich him, and when he barfs up your ear, we'll take it to the hospital and get it sewn back on."

10. "Plus which, I've managed to drive all the Hispanics out of the neighborhood by convincing them that he's a chupacabra."

Real Caption

Somebody Else Captioned ROTS

American in Lebanon has posted screen captures of a version of "Revenge of the Sith" subtitled probably in Hong Kong. It's kind of like what I do here, only more coherent.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Palestinian 24 hour Party People

1. The George Foreman Grill was a huge success. The Richard Pryor grill, less so.

2. Andrew Sullivan is disappointed once again when his Google Image Search for "Hot men packing wood" returns this.

3. "Very good, Abdul. We'll have you fashioning a crude atlatl in no time."

4. Setting a hot fire in the middle of a desert on a hot afternoon in summertime. Just exactly how inbred is your average Palestinian?

5. Getting Ahmed stoned and convincing him he could eat fire was funny, but when the Aqua Velva on his face went up, it was freakin' hilarious!

6. Nothing like a good old fashioned weenie roast...

7. "We got the fire goin'... has Senator Byrd got the cross ready?"

8. Only you can prevent Groin Fires.

9. Cheap pyrotechnics did not enhance Ahmed's cover of 'My Heart Will Go On.'

10. "And then the pomade on his chest went up like a brush fire, and he was spinning around, yelling 'Put it out! PUT IT OUT!' By Allah, it was the funniest thing I ever seen!"

Hat Tip: Chip (Who suggested the George Foreman angle)

Friday, August 12, 2005

"..and now, young Hillary, you will die."

1. "Wow! Check out Brigitte Neilson and Anna Nicole Smith. MEEEE-OW!"

2. "... at which time, all the insurgents will have been strung up and gutted and the legitimate Iraqi government... Oh, jeez. My hand motions have hypnotized you idiots again, haven't I? Chickens have more neural complexity than you leftist press hacks!"

3. "Yeah, I kicked Samuel L. Jackson's Jedi ass... and it felt g-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-d."

4. "Oogah Boogah!" Eventually, it became a bigger challenge to make Helen Thomas not wet her pants.

5. "Go ahead, press. Do your worst. I can still get more tail in one night than you do in your best year."

6. "And now, my impression of Ted Kennedy, frantically clawing his way out of the wreckage of Chappaquiddick."

7. His skills as a military administrator were renowned, but Rumsfeld never mastered the concept of "jazz hands."

Hat Tip: Bubbalove

Thursday, August 11, 2005

That is not a normal human facial expression

1. "He's been like that ever since he saw the Brigitte Neilson-Anna Nicole Smith boob-grabbing catfight."

2. This Hallowe'en's hottest mask: Jack Nicholson on Prozac.

3. John really, really enjoys his pocket pool.

4. "We warned him that seeing Helen Thomas in her underwear would freeze his face into a permanent Death Rictus, but would he listen? No?"

5. "You've been eating what?

6. "Why do they flash the Bat Signal every time I show up at one of these events?"

Real Caption

Back to School Shopping, How Nice

1. The last words Timmy ever heard were "PREPARE FOR RAMMING SPEED!"

2. "Jenny, since the nice store security guards would never do a body cavity search on a little girl, daddy has a special job for you."

3. "No, the security guard was not giving daddy 'a funny look.' But on an unrelated subject, kids, if you here 'Code 4' on the PA system, run for the nearest exit and pretend you don't know me."

4. "Ihateshoppingwired!Allfoodlookshorrible,andthesebratsreallygetonmynerves!CanyoutellI'mwired?"

5. "I can't believe they did a Muzak version of 'Rape Me.' Kurt Cobain must be turning over in his grave."

6. "As a matter of fact, Daddy has done some things he's not proud of. Three to be exact."

7. "Cinder blocks? Heavy rubber gloves? Fast-acting sedatives? Dad, this shopping trip wouldn't have anything to do with mom and the cable guy, would it?"

8. "Oh, and Daddy needs about 80 packs of Sudafed for that, uum, science project in the garage."

9. "For the last time, Jenny, there's no such thing as a Ron Jeremy Trapper Keeper."

10. "Oh, and pick up some manilla envelopes for incriminating pictures. I mean, extra credit projects."

Real Caption: Never mind, Yahoo News deleted it.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Look Before You Leap and All That

1. "Do they always commit suicide when they wake up married to Billy Bob Thornton?"

2. Some Wings fans take the news of Derian Hatcher going to the Flyers worse than others.

3. "Stupid transporter malfunctions!"

4. Martin was convinced that Greg Louganis was the thirty-fifth incarnation of the Buddha, but the Department of Public Works still frowned on his unique mandala.

5. In addition to the crater, other effects of Rosie O'Donnell's suicide included earthquakes and tsunamis.

6. "It's got gigantic thighs, it's coated in dirt, and its head is buried where the sun don't shine. I call it, 'Hillary.'"

7. Lot's wife was a champion high-diver, but naturally the Patriarcy took that out of the Bible.

8. "God's given me a gift. I shovel well. I shovel very well."

Real Caption

The Usual Gang of Idiots

1. Give it up, Scheherazade. They're obviously fags.

2. "Guys, she's been standing there like that for the last twenty minutes, not moving! Did you, like, check her dosage?"

3. "Dudes, maybe it's just the pot talking, but I am absolutely convinced that the belly-dancing chick is actually Karl Rove."

4. "The way she's flaunting that Nordstrom scarf around, I strongly doubt Winona Ryder has learned her lesson."

5. Stevie Nicks desperately twirled on, but John, Mick, and Lindsey had gotten distracted and started playing with a kitten that had wandered on-stage. Concert-goers could be forgiven for concluding that Fleetwood Mac just didn't care.

6. "Guys! Your farting contest is distracting them from my Interpretive Peace Dance!"

7. Girls. With. Armpit. Hair. Should. Not. Sing. "I Touch Myself." In. Public.

8. "Oh, crap, Brigitte Neilson is running up to grab my boobs. Better cover 'em up!"

9. Gliding through space-time on a magnificent cocktail of Paxil, Zyprexa, and Windex, Lila refused to let anyone take the stage until she had captured all the mosquitoes faeries in her magic gossamer veil.

10. "Guys. You're supposed to be doing my sound-check. Stop chasing the toad. It's not the kind you get high from licking! F-ing Stoners!"

Hat Tip: Right Equals Might

Hot Town, Summer in the City

1. Elijah Washington samples the World's Most Powerful Bidet.

2. Unfortunately, since Elijah had just finished a Giant Big Gulp 20 minutes earlier, no one else would get to use the splash pool for the next three days.

3. "Damn you, Roshonda! Damn you and your water elemental powers all to hell!"

4. After seeing the picture of Al Franken humping a big black rubber ball, Elijah feared he would never be clean again.

5. "Continuing his efforts to reach out to the African American community, Senator Robert Byrd personally handled the firehose. 'This takes me back,' quipped the Senate's senior Democrat."

6. "Shouldn't we tell the kids they're frolicking in the runoff from a pork-rendering plant?" "Nah, it's not like they're Muslim or anything."

7. As the water gushed all over him in a seemingly endless stream, Elijah had a sudden flashback to his days as an altar boy.

8. "All right! Cooling off and disposing of forensic evidence. A two-fer!"

9. "Extreme urination! SURGE!"

10. As the diuretic treatments ultimately revealed, Fat Albert really was just retaining water.

Real Caption

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Cat Fight!

1. Is it blogger sweeps month already?

2. Erotic catfights are the highlight at every Clinton fundraiser... Bill's and Hillary's.

3. "Again! Again!" screamed the Tele-tubbies excitedly from off-stage.

4. "Hey! Those are my implants!"

5. Easy E's sad attempt to make the clock into the panel's center of attention was doomed to failure.

6. "Break it up, biyatches, or someone is going to get a 'time-out.'" Tyrone, the world's nicest pimp, disciplines his ho's.

7. "I wanna make motorboat noises!"

8. A long-time advocate of women's health, Senator Clinton insists on giving every woman who attends a fundraiser a personal breast exam lasting anywhere from five minutes to four-and-a-half hours.

9. They are neither real, nor are they spectacular.

10. "Too bad your face froze like that, nice jugs, though."

Hat tip: Divine Miss M

Unrelated But Nevertheless Entertaining Link: Stuff on my cat.

NASA Designs Foolproof Shuttle

In light of the recent shuttle mission and the concern over proper re-entry to Earth, NASA today unveiled a foolproof design that should consistently offer a smooth landing without any bending or breaking."

Safe Landings Guaranteed Every Time:

Hat tip: Glenn Beck