Sunday, July 31, 2005

Beach Blanket Bomb Belt

In contrast, young Palestinian proto-terrorists can go to Hamas Summer Camps and learn to hate J-o-o-s.

1. "B-b-b-but, I'm not Pamela Anderson, and you sure as hell aren't David Hasselhof."

2. "Well, maybe you'd like me to scratch them for you, Mr. Happy Hands."

3. "Don't be such a wuss. The cattle prod is only set for 700 Volts."

4. "Now, turn around and salute the blurry flag of international communism before I whack them again." Discipline at Camp Jane Fonda was rough indeed.

5. "Sing it with me, 'Someone left the cake out in the rain, and I'll never have that recipe again.' This time, I'll help with the high notes."

6. "Actually, I'm feeling 'straighter' already, why don't you try beating the 'gay' out of me with a smaller stick first?"

7. "Look, Ahmed, its the Ugly Stick your mother used to beat you with."

8. "Bitch! Ricky Martin is mine!"

9. "I'm sorry, but the Ashton Kutcher trucker hat thing is so fifteen minutes ago. As a member of the Palestinian Fashion Police, it is my duty to whack your pee-pee."

10. Obscure reference "You idiot, the Brute Captain is about to melee you, and all you have is a stick!"

Real Caption

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Another Wholesome Slice of Americana Turned Horribly Awry

1. "Okay, she is delicious, but I question your choice of Fava beans and a nice Chianti as accompaniment."

2. "Did that sound like twenty tons of scaffolding breaking loose and falling to the Earth to crush everything in its path to you?" "No, shut up and eat your wings."

3. "I know Lewis and Clark Festival Days were supposed to be authentic, but a buffalo tripe eating contest?"

4. "I was skeptical, too, but PETA actually throws a pretty good barbecue. What are soylent chicken wings made out of, anyway?"

5. "Okay, let me explain again. Billy and Tyler were our enemies. By eating their flesh, we gain their strength. What's so hard to understand?"

6. "Wow, what a coincidence. I also want to be a left-wing documentary film-maker when I grow up."

7. "You know, of course, that Al Gore invented buffalo wings."

8. "Okay, Billy, you might win the 'Binge' portion of America's Next Supermodel, but I will own your ass on the 'Purge' segment."

9. "Yes, it is cool to be eating chicken wings at three in the morning, but aren't you worried that Mr. Jackson might expect something in return?"

10. "Well, they had to make some cutbacks to the school lunch program to pay for higher teacher's salaries. I, for one, enjoy eating out of a common trough."


Promises, Promises

News Item: Fossilized Piece of Dinosaur Dung Helen Thomas Vows Suicide if Dick Cheney Runs for President. (Heard the story on Glenn Beck, but thanks to Moonbattery for the link.)

Unfortunately, the best caption-ready picture of this Gorgon of the Washington Press Corps, was up at HuffToast and came pre-captioned. I checked the usual search engines and couldn't find the original, alas.

2. "Mr. President, once you've had a gummy-hummer, you'll never go back to girls with teeth."

3. "Back during the New Deal, Roosevelt used to bang me like a screen door." "Franklin?" "No, Eleanor."

4. "No, Bill you don't make me wet. Nothing personal, it's just the plumbing's been dust and spiderwebs since the LBJ Administrion."

5. "No, I am definitely not... oh, what's the word... come on, now... think of it, think of it... don't tell me... um, damn, what's the word... comeon, brain... um... senile... that' sit, No, I'm definitely not senile President Kennedy."

6. After addressing the American Toy Association, President Clinton was presented with the world's largest, ugliest, and most virulently left-wing troll doll.

7. "Oh, damn, here come Mikulski and Boxer. They probably want the eye and the tooth back."

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Um, I Think I'd Rather Have the Bombs

Extry! Extry! Read all about it. Hideous Freaks of Leftism use anti-war excuse to flaunt hideous middle-aged bodies in Bay Area (of course) Freakfest called "Breasts Not Bombs." Caption blogger vomits in disgust, Hat tips: Zombie.

1. "Arrrrgh, my name be Lickbeard the Lesbian Pirate. Arrgh!"

2. Scene from the lost episode of Gilligan's Island in which the Skipper accidentally swallows Mrs. Howell's estrogen.

3. ... And the Number One Sign You Paid Too Much for Your Stippergram..."

4. What? You mean you didn't know Louie Anderson was a gay-lesbian icon?

5. "I happen to be retaining water... specifically, Lake Titicaca."

6. Suicides among gay and lesbian teens tripled when Greta here became the youth counselor.

7. "I'm just waiting for my friends Jamie and Terry and my significant other, Chris."

8. "Sixteen Men on a Dead Man's Chest... would be an infinitely more pleasurable sexual experience then this androgynous freak could offer."

9. "What, you'd rather see me in some hideous orang and red plaid jacket? What kind of a freak do you think I am."

1. "Oh, no, our drummer spontaneously combusted again."

2. "Honey, just because you like to kiss young Arab boys doesn't make you Ricky Martin."

3. Michael McKean tries to pimp Sarah Jessica Parker The sign was apparently meant to imply that her 'Services' were for 'Sale.' Still, no takers.

4. Tyrone, the White, Hippie, Medicated pimp, disciplines one of his ho's with a folk-song about the importance of not holding out on your Mack Daddy.

5. Passersby paid them a dollar a head not to play any Barry Manilow songs.

6. "Hey, it's true. You can sing every Marilyn Manson song to the tune of 'Hello, Dolly."

Doing Horrible Things to a Wholesome Disney Movie

1. "Yes, son, it's the most powerful sexual aid ever created by man. Now, if we only had a loud plaid jacket to power it."

2. "I don't know what it is either, son, but the tag says 'Property of A. Sullivan, Provincetown.'"

3. "That just means my android is happy to see you, son."

4. "Don't be nervous, this is just a straight up partner swap. I'm sure Mr. Martin won't be using that on you."

5. "I don't get involved in global geo-politics, son. All I know is, the mullah wanted a nuclear centrifuge and he was willing to pay in cash."

6. "Dad, look at my clothes. Everybody knows I'm a dork. I really don't need a nuclear-powered asthma inhaler to drive the point home."

7. "Take this to the top of the Bell Tower, and rain laser-flavored death on those jocks that have been making fun of you. That'll show them!" "Um, dad, that's a milkshake blender."

8. "Wow, dad. You really used to hang out with Richard Gere?"

9. "Dad, you really freaked out of Bob Barker by knowing the exact retail price of this item. Nobody else even knew what it was."

10. "Damn right this is the best meth lab in the whole subdivision, son! And we built it together!"

Real Caption.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

The Prince of Beers

1. "So, Camilla Parker Bowles walks into a bar, and the bartender says, 'Why the long face?'"

2. "To Matt Dillon's underwear, (clink!)"

3. "You know, Camilla, it's a damn good thing our subjects never see you without make-up."

4. News Item: Beer companies have been ordered to hire uglier men for their advertisements in Britain, to avoid making a link between women's boozing and sexual success.

5. "We get checks from the government. And we use them to buy beer."

6. "Well, chaps, I believe I'll have a cold one... and also a beer."

7. "Work, beer, work. damn you!"

8. "... and does Andrew Sullivan know you stole his hat, dear?"

Dingbat and the Amazing Technicolor Plaid Dreamcoat

1. Yo, Hillary, the Brady Bunch called. They want you to stop rummaging in their dumpster for clothes.

2. And the Partridge Family wants you to stop hanging around in front of their bus.

3. "And since becoming a severed torso, I have gained a new appreciation for the handicapped..."

4. The plaid says 'butch,' but the bright colors say 'femme.' Hillary, once again, tries to have it both ways at the Feminist Womyn's Retreat.

5. You can always tell you're in a gay neighborhood because the graffiti artists use non-serif fonts.

6. "... and if Eleanor Roosevelt were here with us now, she would also agree that Ann Coulter is a hot piece of ass."

7. Having failed to get SondraK's attention by reciting love poetry and throwing heavy objects, Hillary aims for the "Haute Couture WTF" instead.

8. "The jacket was a gift, damn you! If you don't quit humming the theme from "The Brady Bunch" I'm going to shove this mike so far up your ass your spleen will be doing sound checks!"

9. It Takes a Village to Throw Up on My Jacket.

10. "So, just to go over the rules again, a red hankie means you're a butch dom, an orange hankie means you're a submissive femme, and red-and-orange plaid jacket means 'let's have an erotic catfight while listening to Indigo Girls.' "

Monday, July 25, 2005

Ricky Martin, Making This Too Damn Easy

Real Caption

1. "Spare change... spare change... spare change for a washed-up pop star and his 'youthful ward?'... spare change."

2. "I need my prostate gland expressed. So take your thumb, like so, and shove it up my ass. I'm glad you brought these towels, too. We're going to need 'em."

3. "Yeah, you got me. 'livin' la vida loca' is Latin slang for pederasty."

4. "Sorry, I can only give these elephant ears one thumb up. My youthful ward likes them, though."

5. "Can I shove this weird unidentified object deeply into my rectum... awwww yeah!"

6. "Don't worry, Ahmed. When I get my thumb working your prostate, you'll hit those high notes."

7. What is it about Ricky Martin that lends itself to a raft of anal-penetration captions?

8. I don't know, this picture just has a weird Eddie Van Halen - Valerie Bertinelli vibe to it.

1. "...and by the power vested in me by the state of Massachusetts..."

2. "Mmm, feel those lats. Have you been working out, Hassim?"

3. "Wow! Is this jacket chenille? It's fabulous!"

4. "Is that a suicide bomb belt under your suspiciously large jacket, or are you just happy to see me?"

5. "No, Hassim, safe sex doesn't mean wearing the condom on your head."

6. "Welcome to the Neverland Ranch, Mr. Martin!

7. "OK. Can't breathe. Time to let go. Really. Can't breathe.

8. "That's a nice start, Hassim, but that embroidered jacket was $200. I expect a little more than a hug and a kiss for the money I spent."

9. "Thank you for teaching me about frottage, Mr. Martin. I'll never forget you!"

Real Caption

Warning Signs

1. "Never mind the book, what the hell is that big fat transvestite doing in your front yard?"

2. "Look, pinky, according to Michael Moore, Bush began plotting 9-11 while AWOL from the Texas Air National Guard. I must post this to Democratic Underground at once."

3. "... and this was another one of the Freeway Killer's victims... and I'll do the same thing to you if you don't tell me where you hid my meds!!!"

4. "See, in my yearbook, I was voted 'Most Likely to Keep the Remains of a Deceased Relative in His Attic.' But I showed them!"

5. "Shut up, Mr. Curvy Neck. The Bridges of Madison County is a work of genius... genius! I tell you!"

6. "Look, Pinky, Penthouse Forum published your letter."

7. "O.K. I know you guys are the real killers, and I did agree to hide you out while the heat was on, but that was ten years ago, and O.J. isn't really looking, anyway."

8. "All right, one more story, but then I have to go play Magic: The Gathering with my collection of Garden Gnomes."

Hat tip: SondraK

Walk This Way

Real Caption:President George W. Bush smiles as he walks across the South Lawn towards the Marine One helicopter with U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

1. "I know you use nicknames as a sign of affection, Mr. President, but does mine really have to be 'Speedy?'"

2. "It was your wife's idea, Speedy."

3. "Notice how their legs make an inverted 'W,' obviously a signal to the Halliburton-Diebolt-Thecon Cabal of John Roberts's intention to turn women's rights around." --- Democratic Underground Conspiracy Analyst.

4. "Is this your first trip to Camp David? Well, perhaps I should tell you about the 12 teenagers who were hacked to death there... exactly 10 years ago this weekend. By the way, Secret Service found a hockey mask in your cabin this morning, but I'm sure it means nothing."

5. "Speedy, how about let's not ruin another weekend getaway by whining about the time Rove hypnotized you and made you pee on the electric fence."

6. "Mr. President, this weekend isn't going to end up with you, me, and Rove getting shit-faced and going to a pasture to tip cows, is it?"

Friday, July 22, 2005

Mama's Family

1. "You're gonna regret getting into a bitch-slap-fight with me, old woman!"

2. "Kirk!" SLAP! "Picard!" SLAP! "Kirk!" SLAP! "Picard!" SLAP!"Kirk!" SLAP! "Picard!" SLAP! (Rest in Peace, Scotty.)

3. "Look, a giant shrunken apple head in a pants suit... oh, it's you, mom."

4. SLAP! "That's for touching yourself."

5. "Dan Rather reporting. CBS News has uncovered photographic evidence of President George W. Bush apparently slapping around an old woman before pushing her into the path of a limousine some allege to be driven by Karl Rove."

6. SLAP! "That's for appointing John Roberts to the Supreme Court. You should have picked Matlock... MATLOCK!"

7. "Mrs Doubtfire... No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!"

8. "Hold on, ma, let me tighten the bolts on your neck."

9. "Give to me your leather/ take from me/ my lace..."

10. "I'm so glad Batman rescued you mom. Hey, what's Bruce Wayne's empty limo doing here? Darn, he always disappears and misses out on these incredible rescues."

11. "Of course I use a limo, George. Look at my ass! You think it's gonna squeeze itself into a Hyundai?"

12. "Success!" cackled the Evil Dr. Rove as his 'Bitch-Slap-Girly-Fight' Weapon worked on the unlikeliest of guinea pigs.

13. The Secret Service detail's shouts of "Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!" only made the situation worse.

14. "He'd go upside your head for sassy backtalk, that's what Jesus would do!"

15. "Two Bushes enter! One Bush Leaves! Two Bushes enter! One Bush Leaves!"

Real Caption

Harry Pothead and the Sorcerer Get Stoned

1. "Billy, before this goes any further, are you really gay like DailyKos says? Because I don't want to get burned again."

2. "Harry Potter and the Flying Nectarine, man J.K. Rowling's really just phoning it in, isn't she?"

3. "Sorry, Billy, I take my men like I take my coffee... strong and black."

4. "'And if my demands are not met, the screams of those who have wronged me will fill the...' How do you spell 'cafeteria?'"

5. "We're playing 'Coffee Shop Losers.' I'm writing bad poetry and Jenny's pretending to be a Wiccan who teaches Womyn's Studies."

6. "My dad was tattoing a circuit diagram on my forehead when the social workers arrived. What's your story?"

7. "This is so lame. Everybody knows we have to etch the sigils in our own blood for Cthulu to appear."

8. "Billy, you simpleton, everybody knows when you got an ace and a six and the dealer's up card is a 5, you double down!"

9. "I'm working on a time-travel spell so I can go to the year 2012 and check out Hermione Granger's Playboy pictorial."

10. "Mine says, 'You are blessed with wisdom, compassion, and fortitude... in bed!"

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Looking for the Purple Banana 'til They Put Him in the Truck

1. "All right! Who took Mr. Hat?"

2. Sued under Truth in Advertising Laws, the Democrats were legally forced to change their name to the "National Coalition of Leftist Radicals."

3. "Not now, you naughty thing, later, in the hotel room."

4. "Oh, my God, who is that handsome man in this compact? Is it John Edwards?"

5. "This is the hand I fisted Andrew Sullivan with."

6. "And the Democratic Party wants to assure the 'Nuke Christianity and other Loser Religions' society that we share your values..."

7. "Aw, crap, the chip just turned red and started pulsating. I gotta get outta here before the Sandmen arrive." President Hillary's Social Security reforms were radical, but they kept the system solvent.

8. Hey, maybe Bush can't pronounce "Nuclear," but at least he can spell it.

9. "... All the perfumes of Arabia can not sweeten this little hand... ARRRRRRRRRRRGH!" Howard Dean's Lady MacBeth kicked ass.

10. 'Talk to the hand' is supposed to be said palm out, ya big freakin' crazy idiot.

11. "Whew, what was I drinking last night. This smells like its been in a Sumo wrestler's ass crack."

Hat tip: Brenda

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Hillary Clinton and Ted Kennedy Model Thongs

1. Fox counter-programs ABC with Sumo With the Stars featuring Kirstie Ally and Rosie O'Donnell.

2. A naked fart contest seemed to be the only one way for Ted Kennedy and Michael Moore to settle the question of who would have first dibs at the All-You-Can-Eat-Rib-Bar.

3. The Traditional Tea Ceremony for the Japanese Ambassador was unfortunately scheduled at the same time and location as Ted Kennedy's Traditional Friday Afternoon Drunken Toga Party.

4. Andrew Sullivan and the boyfriend simultaneously and inconveniently discover their severe seafood allergies.

5. "It's my first time... be gentle."

Real Caption.

The Dread Justice Roberts

1. Huffington's Toast Caption: "I wanted to pick someone who had exhibited the same decisiveness, the same directness and clear-minded thinking for which Justice O’Connor is famous. Unfortunately, Jennifer Wilbanks’ only experience with the law was as a defendant."

2. "... and, I'd like to thank Mr. Roberts wife, who apparently came all the way from Stepford to be here."

3. "Snort... I'm sorry, I crack up every time I read SCOTUS because it makes me think of Scrotum. Like being Chief Justice of my ballsack. Heh-heh. Heh-heh. Heh-heh."

4. "Yeah man, I tell ya what. Dang ol' Supreme Court Justice, man. Senate Judiciary Committee, dang ol' party line, party line, vote, man."

5. "John, Jr! I don't care what PBS taught you, you don't chant '1-2-3-4, We don't want your f**king war!' in front of the president!"

6. "Hey! Who invited the Von Trapps to my press conference?"

7. "How much for the little girl? Your women, I wish to buy them. Your women. I want to buy your women. The little girl, your daughters... sell them to me. Sell me your children."

8. "Your boy's a good little dancer, John. We better get him into football and NASCAR before it's too late."

9. "Furthermore, Mrs. Roberts has vowed to balance a golden bowl on her head until her husband is confirmed."

10. Good boy, John. Keep the president distracted while I discreetly fan my fart away from the podium.

Real Caption.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Cowboy and Indian

1. "Hey, guy, I'm hungover too, but showing up with a towel on your head is just rude."

2. "Sorry about your wife, but you know how little kids are with slingshots."

3. "Thank you, Senator Durbin, for explaining your views on infidels and imperialist aggression."

4. "Watch yourself around Rove. He can smell fear... but in your case, the curry breath should mask it pretty effectively."

5. "I hear your religion worships big white cows. Have you met Senator Clinton?"

6. "So, do you do that 'Amazing Karnak' thing? 'Cos that's pretty darn funny."

7. "To make you feel at home at the state dinner, we'll be serving Slurpees, cheese nachos and lottery tickets."

8. "You mean to tell me you never heard of 'Indian wrestling?' Man, your face has got a date with the carpet!"

9. "For the eleventh time, Mr. President, please stop calling me 'Apu.'"

10. "You see, this is my life! It always will be! Nothing else! Just us, the cameras, and those wonderful people out there in the dark!... " (Gayest obscure reference ever.)

Real Caption


I was going to do this pic yesterday, but went with naked pale English people instead. I saw this morning that this photo was top of the pops on The Corner, and then I received my orders from the central committee of the VRWC, ordering me to caption this photo. Hopefully, now that I have done so, Rove will give me my cat back.

1. "Hey, this stuff is great. What did you say this Soyrent Gleen was made out of?"

2. "And when the biotoxin in these Chip's Ahoy are released, it will be 911 times 2,356."

3. "No your eminence, it's not a typo. The rice crop was wiped out. That bag really does contain Flied Lice."

4. The scientists worked day and night under brutal conditions to meet the Dear Leader's decree that he would possess the most colorful airsick bags in the entire eastern hemisphere.

5. The Dear Leader had a general whose sole duty was to have a finger ready to be pulled at a moment's notice.

6. "Yes, Dear Leader, the workers will be thrilled to have these brightly colored packets of potato chips as a side dish for their regular meals of boiled dirt and rat entrails."

7. "Ssssh, the Dear Leader is pretending to be Roy Orbison. Don't spoil the fantasy."

8. "Not there, huh?... Well, maybe the dead rat is in.... THIS ONE!"

9. "Sorry, Dear Leader, some crazy chick from California claims she found a finger in one of them."

10. "General Kim's beehive hairdo mocks me. Have him tortured and shot."

Monday, July 18, 2005

Shiny Naked People Holding Hands

1. The rent-a-cop sighed, "I remember when orgies at the Kennedy Compound were more intimate. I don't even recognize half these people."

2. "Hey, Al, that circumcision makes you look ten years younger."

3. 1,600 naked English people. I for one no longer desire to have sex ever again.

4. "Sorry, this beach is only for star-bellied sneetches, and there are clearly no stars upon thar's so move along."

5. Police report only one arrest, that being of an internet columnist in a hood performing an unnatural act on a beagle.

6. "Stay in line, keep order people, we know there's a lot of you here to service, but Miss Hilton only has so many orifices."

7. "Butt plugs don't count, Mr. Sullivan, you are still technically naked."

8. Much like its non-premium cable counterpart, the best part of HBO's American P0rn Idol was disposing of the rejects.

9. "Roger, this patrol is bad enough without you constantly muttering 'I'd do her, I'd do her, I did him, I'd do her.'"

10. "No, sir, I do not want a hug."

Real Caption Here.

They Say That Cat Rove's a Bad Mutha... Shut Yo Mouth!... But I'm Talking 'bout Rove... And We Can Dig It

1. "As President of the United States, it's a pleasure to present a Laurel and Hardy handshake to our administration's new ..."

2. "Yo! Washington Press Corps. Let me blow some more covers for you. Rosie O'Donnell is a lesbian! Janet Reno is ugly! Tom Cruise is a nut! Michael Jackson likes little boys!"

3. "Karl, you sick freak, are you using your telekinetic powers to make Helen Thomas crap her pants again?"

4. "I never said anything about Valerie Plame. Some idiot named 'Gump' was answering the phones that day."

5. "Gary Coleman for Chief Justice of the Supreme Court! Rove, you've done it again, you magnificient bastard."

6. The coconut-like sound of John McCain's and Chuck Schumer's heads colliding as they ran for the same TV camera secretly delighted Karl Rove.

7. "Thanks for keeping them talking about Valerie Plame, Karl. It really keeps them distracted from the strangled hookers I've been leaving in ditches ass over the eastern seaboard."

8. "Hey, Rove, anybody ever tell you in the right light, you look like the Fairy Godmother from Cinderella? You know, 'Salaga-doola, menchika-boola, Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo?'"

9. "Nothing to see here, just a routine evacuation of the White House. Happens all the time. By the way, I think you're all going to regret making fun of 'Duck and Cover' all these years in about... oh, three minutes and thirteen seconds."

10. "Karl, the new secret service guy just said, 'Meesa people gonna die?' What the hell does that mean and where the hell did you find him?"

BTW: The Real Caption is so tortured to try to accuse Rove of doing something naughty it's almost hilarious.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Robot Camel Jockeys

When I used to think about jobs that could be performed by robots, I was thinking... janitors, handling nuclear waste... Qatar banned the use of children in camel races following criticism that infants were being brought in from poor countries to race the camels.

1. "Bite my shiny metal, camel-scented, ass!"

2. Cartman would regret claiming that Awesome-O was programmed to ride camels AND satisfy the perverse desires of Persian Gulf oil ticks.

3. "Wait, my cheating unit malfunctioned. You gotta' give me a do-over."

4. This is not the first time child labor has been replaced by automatons. For example, in 1994, Michael Jackson purchase a blow-up doll to replace Macauley Culkin.

5. "Yes, the robots camel riding skills compare favorably with those of Bangledshi children, but the way the Swiss programmed them to yelp when you smash the back of their heads with the butt of a whip was the icing on the cake."

6. "Oh, man, I am tell you guys, when SkyNet becomes self-aware, I know one oil tick who's so gonna get a jackhammer enema."

7. "Yeah, I know, we could be in Japan battling space monsters and rescuing big-eyed anime chicks... but 'No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o....'"

DOHA, QATAR: Robotic camel jockeys designed by an unidentified Swiss company are in action during this first camel race in which seven Robots were tested, 13 July 2005 in Doha. Qatar

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Palestinian Happy Dance (TM)

1. "The Tank, the tank, the tank is on fire/We don't have no water let the mother-f**ker burn!"

2. "Yo, Kobe, over here, I'm open!"

3. "You see, Ahmed, this is why it is so important to change your transmission fluid every 30,000 miles or three intifadahs.

4. "What the F--K is that little kid with the slingshot using for ammo?"

5. "Then, after the pas de deux we extend, and then Fouetté with arms extended and... Excuse me! SOME of us are trying to practice BALLET here."

6. "Abdul, I know you just to 'wave your hands in the air like you don't care,' but come on, there's people barbecuing in there."

7. "Oh, my... catch me, Ahmed, I'm being overcome by the vapors." "Nice try, Abdul."

8. Goofus throws pebbles at the burning carcass, while Gallant... um, actually, there isn't anyone in the Palestinian Territories who could qualify as Gallant, so never mind.

9. "Y-M-C-A!"

10. Ahmed is unusually excited to learn that 'Palestine' is an anagram for 'late penis.'

Hat tip: Manker

Friday, July 15, 2005

Guns Fall Into the Wrong Hands

1. "Oh, no, Hillary's PMS-ing. Better reach for the tranquilizer dart."

2. "No offense, Senator Durbin, but for the sake of the party and the country, we'd like you to do the honorable thing."

3. Photographic proof that liberal democrats really are gun-grabbers.

4. According to recent polls, 11% of Americans want Democrats to obstruct social security reform, 5% wanted democrats to filibuster supreme court nominations, and 84% wanted to see them act out the 'Russian Roulette' scene from The Deer Hunter using live ammo.

5. "Oh, I can't believe you men. Didn't Stalin teach you anything? Here, I'll show you to start a purge."

6. "Is that a TEC-9 I see before me?/Its handle turned toward my hand/Come let me clutch thee..."

7. "Stupid WOP, bringing a knife to a gunfight..."

8. "I'm sorry, Judge Brown, but your support of parental notification laws makes you unfit to serve on the Supreme Court and I'm going to have to shoot you now."

Senator Dianne Feinstein (Dingbat-CA) points out an advertisement for an assault weapon during a news briefing on Capitol Hill. - Reuters

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Things I Didn't Think I Was Gonna Get 10 Captions Out Of But Somehow Did

Backstory: Little Kid. Church Camp. David and Goliath.

1. "Hey! Bart Simpson Never Got Busted for 'Grievous Assault with Intent'"

2. "That dot on Mrs. Singh's forehead is just an irresistible target."

3. "OK, I nailed that bunny rabbit. Splattered his brains everywhere. Are you satisfied I'm not gonna turn out gay now?"

4. "So, Teller never speaks, eh? Let's see if he can cry out in pain."

5. "I wonder if my sister's head will blow apart like the watermelon."

6. "If I can nail that woodchuck, we'll have MEAT tonight."

7. "Well, you can forget about the 'Seeing' part of Mr. Johnson's seeing eye dog!"

8. "Well, your average human skull makes a wet 'thunk' sound."

9. "The best part is, that patsy Lee Harvey Oswald is gonna take the fall for me."

10. "Is the Prince of Pop ready for his suppositories?"

Hat Tip: ISS

Now That's Quality Entertainment

I don't know what it is either, but it was in the Detroit News.

1. Under the revised Senate rules, the Supreme Court Confirmation Hearings were far, far more dignified than the John Bolton confirmation hearings.

2. "Are you sure they did this at GITMO," Andrew Sullivan demanded of 'the boyfriend.' "Because it's not doing it for me?"

3. Michael Moore's first venture into hardcore p0rn0graphy was a commercial failure. "But it did it for me," the director insisted.

4. "Holy Constipation, Wiener Man. The Commissioner says Micheal Moore has an anal blockage." "Don't worry, old chum, I have just the thing to clear out his rectum. The Film Festival will go on as plan."

5. "Oh," sighed a disappointed Andrew Sullivan. "When you said you had a picture of 'hot action' with 'meat' slipped inside 'buns,' I pictured something totally different."

6. "Oh, yeah! It's on! Prepare to die, Pepsi bitch!"

7. By 2012, product placement in the Olympics had gotten totally out of hand.

8. "That's not mustard, there's no damn zipper in this costume."

9. "Nice try, Pepsi bitch, but we both know there's not a UFO hovering behind my left shoulder."

10. "Karl Rove says you have to take a fall in the third round."

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Enormous Terrifying Womanoid

Admit it, you thought this was another Hillary post, didn't you? Didn't you!

1. "Wow, Shaq, Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon really does amazing work."

2. "So, this all started when President Bush spilled Pepsi on a nuclear reactor?"

3. "Thank Heaven for little girls... and thank Ectopic Pituitary Adenomas for the Really, really Big Girls."

4. "Well, ma'am, so far only two people have ordered the 'Super Huge Mega-Penetrator,' you and Andrew Sullivan."

5. Before finally roping Katie, Tom Cruise brought a number of normal-sized woman to his custom-built California estate.

6. "She's big, I tell you, really big. She's so big, she can use Buckingham fountain for a bidet, that's how big she is."

7. "No, uh, I didn't accuse you of taking hormones,... um, I accused you of making a 'whore moan,' ... Oh, wait, that's not any better."

8. "Outta my way, little man. I feel raging PMS coming on, so I'm going to devastate downtown Tokyo."

9. "No, I've never done it 'praying mantis' style. What's it involve?"

10. "Package from a Mr. Bill Clinton... it's just ten cigars, a check for $50,000 and a note that just reads 'Please.'"

Hat tip: Sondrak

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Insane Clown Pussies, 2 0f 2

1. "Hey! Who photoshopped clown drag all over my leather men p0rn" an enraged Andrew Sullivan demanded to know.

2. One of the bizarre results of John Wayne Gacy's collaboration with Robert Mapplethorpe.

3. Barnum and Bailey had no place for Blocko, The Constipated Clown.

4. "Don't you worry, Mr. Gere, we'll have that gerbil out in no time!"

5. But after a while, you become jaded, and have to resort to all sorts of kink to recapture the ecstasy of that first finger-pull.

6. And the school never again hired 'Molesto the Clown' to demonstrate bad touching again.

7. "Andrew, this may be an awkward time to bring this up, but I think we should see other people."

8. "OK, so a human can survive being dragged through the streets by his own intestines. I owe you a Coke."

9. Some guys'll do anything to get 'low-hangers.'

10. "Hey! Give us back our chihuahua!"

Monday, July 11, 2005

Insane Clown Pussies, 1 of 2

Something to do with putting on clown make-up and protesting the G-8. How the Hell do I know what their point is? Who the Hell cares? They're clowns.

1. If John Wayne Gacy had been a left-wing icon like Mumia al-Jamal, the New York Times Magazine would have whitewashed his muderous lust for young boys into a quaint shoe fetish.

2. Al Bundy finally snaps.

3. Onlookers prayed for a skateboarder to grind down the Handicapped Access ramp and end the horrible clown's suffering once and for all.

4. In between killing sprees, Pennywise indulges his foot fetish.

5. "Am I a clown? Do I amuse you?"

6. "What do you mean there's no room in the car? There's always room in the car, dammit!"

7. As she lay face down in a pool of her own vomit, Tammy Faye wondered how much lower she could sink.

8. "...and as I lay my glazzies on that horrible smelly old clown the strains of Ludwig Van's glorious Ninth filled my gulliver, O my brothers, and I viddied myself taking a britva to his horrible smelly clown yarbles."

Hat tip: Van Helsing

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Un Rectume Dit 'Quoi'

1. "Jacques, to make such a face at a 'Surviviors of Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Support Group Meeting' is very insensitive."

2. Pssst, Bono. When Frenchmen start holding their breath around you, it's time to shower.

3. "Jacques, Spit out that hamster this instant!"

4. "We've boarded up the fireplace. There will be no escape. Begin the exorcism."

5. "I'm guessing from his expression that the Benzedrine Express has just left the station."

6. "Oh, and ze pinstripes, zey clash with ze mullet. I am just saying..."

7. A Celebrity Panel on France's #1 Game Show tries to guess, "Who Did Chirac Just Blow?"

8. Undergoing intensive Scientology "processing," Chirac prepares to confront the invisible "Thetans" that have been tormenting him ... he also looks like he's about to blow chunks.

9. "Ach, I knew ye couldn't hold down yer scotch, ye great cheese-eatin' poodle-humper."

10. Strange But True: Jacques Chirac not only has seen Animal House 167 times, but he also feels compelled to re-enact John Belushi's "zit" impression to honored guests and claim the idea as his own.

Hat Tip: Kabasue

More in this vein at: Moonbattery

Friday, July 08, 2005

People Unclear on the Concept

Designated Driver

Kennebeck, drunk to the point she lost consciousness, allowed her intoxicated 13-year-old nephew to drive her car from the nephew's home in Greenville to her home in Sheridan, and then from Sheridan toward Ionia when the car ran out of gas on M-66 south of M-44.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

In my family, this is what we call a lightweight.

Hat Tip: American Mind

1. People Unclear on the Concept: Debbie was always told that she looked better after three or four beers.

2. Jenna Bush's Breakfast of Champions.

3. Saw. Ted. Kennedy. In. Speedo. Must. Drink. To. Forget. Must. Drink. To. Forget.

4. "Oh, gross. There's a dead hamster in this one. Oh, what the hell, it's beer."

5. "Ah, alcohol, the cause of ... and the solution to ... all of life's problems."

6. "The terrorists have taken over my stomach and have demanded beer! I will appease them!"

7. "Hey, Kids! Watch Mommy slam!"

8. "Ah, beer... the perfect substitute for... food."

9. "Um, mom, shouldn't you have brought something else to the picnic? Like sandwiches, or hard-boiled eggs. Just sayin'."

10. "Well, Mr. Budweiser, if you truly are the 'President of Beers,' then you can just call me 'Miss Lewinsky.'"

11. The first female Northwest Airlines pilot completes her "Pre-Flight Check."

12. "Well, now that daddy's gone, I guess I'm the man of the house. So, I'm gonna slam some beers, urinate on the drapes, grope my sister-in-law and pass out in the front yard."

Refugees from Saturday Night Live Sketch Protest G-8

My first thought upon seeing this was, Hey 'Sprockets' But 'Goth Talk' is equally applicable.

1. "Yes, Ve are doomed and I am filled with remorse, and it is most delicious."

2. "Turdbots Against War" Interesting name.

3. "Gosh, you're in a bad mood. What wage slave pissed in your double-tall soy latte?"

4. "Can you hear me now you fascist pig? Good."

5. "I wish someone would kill me; that way I could hang out in the cemetery ALL the time, instead of just on weekends."

6. "Damn, you guys make Morrissey look like Katie F**king Couric."

7. Here we see the kind of people who constantly threaten suicide but never follow through.... dammit!

8. "Hello, Michael Moore? Yeah, your Size XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL T-Shirt is ready."

9. If you pull a hippie's finger, and he hasn't bathed in six months, does it make a smell?

10. "Well, thanks for offering to let me in your clique, guys, but, to be honest, I'd rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy Goth protester."

P.S. Yes, I decided to caption today despite what those terrorist bastards did in London this morning. Were it up to me, anyone who had anything to do with this would be in a dark cell with a five gallon drum of Drano and a 3/4 inch catheter.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

I See, A Moonbat A-Risin'...

One of the lovely, fresh-smelling and eloquent protesters attending the G8 Summit in Edinbur-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-gh.

1. "The G8 Summit Protests Are Sponsored by: SmithKline Beecham. Makers of Paxil, Lithium, Adderall, Zyprexa, Risperdol... and all kinds of neat to eat treats.

2. "All right! Tom Cruise just offered me $200 to stand next to him and make him appear more normal."

3. "Um, Jesus, have you ever given thought to a Gospel of Atkins?"

4. "I don't have mood swings. I'm going to f**king kill you for saying I have mood swings!"

5. The polite protester always carries a barf bag for the benefit of those who accidentally get close enough to catch a whiff of his ungodly moonbat BO.

6. "Parole Approved! Yahoo! Lock up your daughters!*"

7. "It's called a 'man-bib' thank you very much, and it happens to be very metro."

8. "What's that Little Bunny Foo-Foo? You think I'm schizophrenic? I'm going to f**king kill you for saying I'm schizophrenic."

9. "Party at Sharon Tate's house! What do you say Squeaky? Tex? Come on, it'll be fun."

10. "Dad will be happy to know I haven't squandered one cent of the trust fund on hair care, grooming, or personal hygiene products."

* And he really means that.

Hat Tip: Disposable Wisdom

Ex-Post-Facto Fourth of July Imagery

1. "Stop crying right now, or we'll give you back to your real parents."

2. "Oh, stop crying, the soft spot on the top of your head absorbed most of the impact!"

3. "But I don't want John Bolton confirmed as UN Ambassador!"

4. "Sssh, ssh, it's all right, little one. Senator Mikulski is scary, but she's old and she'll probably die soon."

5. Tattoo Tent + Crying Baby = Visit from Mr. Child Protective Services

6. "Stop crying. White gloves are only a fashion faux pas after Labor Day."

7. "Well, if it was warm, I wouldn't wear much more." *

8. "But what about my needs?"

9. "Oh, stop being such a Kos Kid!"

Hat Tip and Apologies to: Lapeer Living

* Obscure Reference Bonus Caption.

He Is the Walrus, Koo Koo C'Choo

1. "Now, this girl I kept alive in my toolshed for two weeks before I finished her off."

2. "Ah, and here we are at the Eagle's Nest in 1936. Check out Rudolph Hess making 'bunny ears' behind Der Fuhrer's head."

3. "And here I am with Lee Harvey in Havana. What a Patsy."

4. "Look at the nice firm buttocks on that one. Makes you hard just thinkin' about it, doesn't it?"

5. "That's Bobby Kennedy on my right and Marilyn Monroe on my left. Now, what's interesting is when I say 'Did her' and 'Did him,' that phrase can have multiple levels of meaning...."

6. "Jeez, I thought you'd bring pictures of us to the reunion, not a whole album of shirtless Leo di Caprio pics from Teen Beat."

7. "Um, grandpa, why do all the pictures of Grandma have the eyes scratched out?"

8. "... and here I am cutting the brake lines on Ted Kennedy's car. I consider that one a near-miss."

9. "Anyway, now that Sandra Day O'Connor is retiring and abortion is still legal, these pictures of us going at it doggy-style in an alley behind the Triple-XXX theater can finally go public."

10. "... and here I am sprinkling ipecac on Jimi Hendrix's tuna fish sandwich."

11. "... and so I says to L. Ron, 'just make up the craziest sh*t you can think of, those Hollywood dopes'll eat it up...'"

12. The creepy part came a moment later when he stood up and sang "Memory, All alone in the moonlight, I can smile at the old days. I was beautiful then...."

OK, Back to Work

1. "Jesse, you're the bestest race-hustler in the whole wide world."

2. "Jesse, when I get old, will my face decompose into a mashed-potato-like mass of flesh, like yours?"

3. "Hey, look, Michael Jackson showed up with his cub scout troop. Um, do all cub scouts wear ball gags these days?"

4. "Titty-twister! Titty-twister!"

5. "If you really loved me, you'd waste all the white folks."

6. "Jesse, maybe it's the three or four mojitos, maybe it's the twelve hits of Ecstasy, or maybe it's the the five cans of furniture polish I just huffed, but you really look hot."

7. "Oh, Jesse, I love it when you wrap me in your manly arms... I think I'll kill you last."

8. "Jesse, would you just act gay with me until Janeane Garofalo leaves me alone."

Los Angeles Mayor-elect Antonio Villaraigosa is hugged by Jesse Jackson during the procession to Los Angeles City Hall for his swearing in, Friday, July 1, 2005.(AP Photo/Gary Friedman, Pool)

Hat Tip: Brenda. (Hi, Brenda.)

Friday, July 01, 2005

A Little Imagery to Take With You to the Beach this Weekend

Senator Edward "Jabba the Hutt" Kennedy

Update : You were all aware, of course, that Senator Kennedy's dog is named 'Splash."

I guess naming it, "Remember That Time I Drowned a Young Campaign Worker" would have been too obvious.

1. "Jeez, I'm really far too blitzed to be giving anybody a ride home. Oh, what the Hell."

2. "Damn Smart Ass kids, always yelling "Hey, Kool-Aid!" whenever I appear."

3. "Oooh look, I'm Ted Kennedy. I have man boobies."

4. The police wisely placed orange traffic cones around the train wreck.

5. Boy: Daddy, what's that? Father: Well son, that's Mercury, the closest planet to the sun. What it's doing down here on the wharf I haven't the foggiest, we should probably go ask a scientist.

6. "Hey, what's with the cones already? I haven't even made it to the parking lot yet!"

1. "Oh, yeah, offer to give my gut a sonogram. That's so-o-o-o-o-o original."

2. From the looks of it, the only thing Ted has never filibustered is a beer keg.

3. President Clinton's favorite and cruelest joke was to buy Senator Kennedy a lap dance... knowing full well that not even an Olympic gymnast could perform that feat.

4. "Ow! Damn, another harpoon. I hate sailing off Nantucket."

5. "Ach! Ye call that a caber toss, ye great gutless pussy? Stand back laddies, and let a real man show yew how its done!"

6. The scene of the crucified Christ being taunted by a morbidly obese Roman soldier was too disturbing even for Mel Gibson.

From: SondraK