Thursday, June 30, 2005

Tales From the Superfund Site

1. "Eat my dust, Hemingway protagonist!"

2. Relieved that the stage prop was the right size, Reel Big Fish cancelled their order for midgets.

3. "Oh, sorry about the harpoon wound, Ms O'Donnell. Go back to your nap."

4. The judges at Cannes have replaced Michael Moore with a huge rotting fish carcass. Let's see if anyone notices.

5. "Sorry, Charlie... you're sushi now."

6. "My Fishessises! We wants them, yesss!"

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Such an abundance of freaks. Such a shortage of bell towers.

Yeah, nothing makes you want to take someone's cause more seriously than when they colorize their epidermis with colors not found in nature.

1. "Aw, jeez, Edith. There's more colored people moving into the neighborhood."

2. Captain Kirk's illegitimate children show up demanding back child support.

3. "Satan commands thee, more Slim Fast for my bitches!"

4. "Satan Man, Satan Man, doin' the things that Satan can. Eternal damnation -- that's his plan -- Damnin' Man, Satan Man."

5. "Well, if our technicolor skin doesn't convince the fascists of the righteousness of our cause," Moonbeam said, "My stirring rendition of 'I Will Survive' will!"

6. "Don't worry about the guard dogs," Moonbeam said. "Dogs can't see color, so our camouflage should work perfectly."

7. "'Get Thee Behind Me, Satan?' Ha! Nice try, Andrew Sullivan."

8. "Aw, shit, the popsicles are coming to life.These are worst DT's ever."

9. "... and here we see the artist's vision in full flower, as he symbolically demonstrates his belief that Negroes are tormented by tiny 'colored demons' who exhort them to commit crime and pester righteous white women." Guide to the Watercolors of Senator Robert Byrd, Robert Byrd Museum of Art, Robert Byrd, WV.

10. In the Alternate Universe, President Dennis Kucinich and his advisors rally in support of his nominee for Chief Justice, Mumia Al-Jamal.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Things That Make You Re-Evaluate Your Position on Burqas

I am wondering if this... thing was once somebody's sweet little girl, running to her Daddy clutching fresh-picked field daisies in her outstretched hand.

Somehow, I think not.

1. Man, Tom Cruise has really lost it.

2. How can you tell this was taken in San Francisco? Because the crowd's attention is directed at something even more bizarre behind her.*

3. The following year, the neighborhood association re-evaluated their Christmas Parade plans and went with a more traditional Santa.

4. "Oh, I don't know. I just woke up this morning and decided to set back the Gay Rights Movement 20 years."

5. Heather has two mommies. And now, we know why Heather tied up Billy in the janitor's closet and gave him a stern yet sensual whipping.

6. "Check it, peeps. I got my J-Lo/Uncle Fester vibe workin' for me." **

7. "Now, for all the feminists in the audience, the dom who puts the 'suffer' into 'suffragette,'... Ilsa!"

8. "Rolling, rolling, rolling, keep those lesbos rolling...."

9. "Deutschland! Deustchland! Uber Alles!"

10. "Gosh, Hillary. You really woke up horny today. What were you dreaming about?"

* I borrowed this one from Right Wing Sparkle.
** Note to self: For future reference, please avoid the word "vibe" when captioning something like this.
Hat Tip: SondraK

Happy Hill-Billies

1.Bill and Hillary, for ScotchGuard(TM). With ScotchGuard, you never have to worry about stains. Hill likes the way it repels blood, and Bill's just wild about the way it resists... um, other compromising bodily fluids.

2. "Did I really inhale? Hell, look what I married."

3. Guests at Chappaqua were always amused by the words "Air Force One" embossed on the backs of all the recliners.

4. "Yellow jodhpurs? No, those are just her thighs."

5. Oh, God, he's touching me again. Must maintain illusion. Go to a happy place. Pretend he's Xena.

6. "Sorry, Hill. That's the chair Byrd was sitting in when his bladder gave out. Hey's but at least the stain won't show on that urine-yellow pants suit."

7. "Hillary, should I be at all concerned that watching the BTK Killer's Confession gets you hot?"

8. "Even Hillary's loose ass and huge thighs look good after a 24 pack of Schlitz."

9. "... about this tall, with a flat head and no teeth. Hillary, how would you describe the perfect intern?"

10. "My name is Bill Clinton, and I'm reporting for booty."

Monday, June 27, 2005

In the Words of ELO, "E-evil Woman, E-evil Woman, E-evil Woman, Evil Woman"

Inspired by Van Helsing and SondraK, I've decided to join in the Hillary Smackdown.

1. Those whiskers, ticking my neck and chest. Those rough hands forcing apart my thighs. Damn, I miss Janet Reno.

2. "We have found a witch. May we burn her?"

3. "... and I'm ever-so-sorry if I offended any inbred hick right-wingers when I referred to the storm-troopers at GITMO as 'Koran defiling, goose-stepping, racist sh*t kickers.' No one should question my patriotism. I support the baby-killers."

4. "I see the reporter from the Cincinnati Enquirer has turned to stone. We have warned you in the past not to look directly at Senator Clinton. This is why."

5. "Oh, dear. Peter Jennings just transformed into a hideous jack-in-the-box.... and that's a real good thing, Hillary, and it's good that you did that. It's real good that you did that, Hillary. Please don't wish me into the corn."

6. "We'll have to end this press conference because the junior Senator from New York needs to bathe in the blood of virgins... I mean, bake some wholesome sugar cookies."

7. "Will the reporter from FoxNews kindly stop prefacing his questions with 'Hillary, you ignorant slut'?"

8. Frank Lautenberg makes an off-hand comment about "Harridan wives driving their husbands to serial infidelity" and is immediately banished to a Hell Realm.

9. "All right. On three, we all whip 'em out and settle who's biggest once and for all."

10. "Hillary Supports Gay Youth:" High Schools throughout New York State report massive increases in boys signing up for Gay-Lesbian Clubs after appearances by Senator Clinton. --- Clinton 2006 Campaign Brochure.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

An Old Farmer and A Tractor. Could this Be Any Wholesomer?

As you can tell from this picture, not a lot happens in the town I grew up.

1. "Wanna hear about when the aliens probed me?"

2. "60 years of farming and I still have all my limbs."

3. "You'd be suprised how many teenaged hitch-hikers you can bury in a forty acre strawberry field."

4. "Ma, I can't live this lie any more. I sold the farm and I'm movin' to Fire Island with the feed salesman."

5. "I vas in Austria during the war. No more questions!"

6. "Any of you fellers seen my anal beads?"

7. "Hey, grandpa, what's with these nude pictures of Abe Vigoda?"

8. "Then, in the summer of '68, I smoked half a loaf of Grade-A Mexican hash, popped two dozen "Dr Smileys" and planted the whole back forty in jelly beans."

9. "Just take the damn picture! I got tickets to Slipknot."

10. "Some mornin's, I have to crank it for half an hour before it gets goin'. My tractor works great, though."

11. "Damnit, can't an old man just pose with his tractor without some moron making him out to be some homicidal, drug-addicted, Nazi prevert?"

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Nucular, It's Pronounced Nucular

1. "Hey! Get that cat off the control panel!"

2. "Oh, all right Mr.'Oh-No-that-could-cause-a-meltdown'-Prissy-Pants, we'll just take our kegger to the Employee Lounge."

3. "Okay, I'm sure once I've demonstrated the 'Jump to Conclusions' mat, you won't think it's a stupid idea."

4. "Ha ha! You just said 'nuclear.' It's 'nukular,' dumbass, the 'g' is silent!"

5. "Oh, all right Mr. 'Oh-No-that-could-cause-a-meltdown'-Prissy Pants, we'll just take our dodgeball game to the employee lounge."

6. "You say Skynet has become self aware. Is that a bad thing?"

7. "Well, Cheney thinks Lenny and Carl are, and his gaydar is infallible.

8. "What does it mean when the guy at Reactor Control shouts 'Allah Akbar!' and hits the red button?"

9. "So, you use robots for the dirty and dangerous job of swapping out plutonium fuel rods. Do you ever worry that they will rise up against their human overloads and enslave humanity? 'Cos that'd be just terrible."

10. "Is it safe for those guys to be drinking Pepsi in here?"

U.S. President George W. Bush (L) tours the control room of the Calvert Cliffs Nuclear Power plant in Lusby, Maryland June 22. 2005.REUTERS/Jason Reed

Boys, Men, Big Guns, and Rubble

1. "Now, if Michael Jackson offers you Jesus Juice, this is how you release the safety."

2. "So, four of you boys want to check out my gun and one of you wants to discuss Jewel's poetry? Rahim, we're all very worried about you."

3. "So, have any of you kids been in a Turkish prison? Ooooh, you're Kurds. My bad."

4. "... and that's how the grenade launcher works. By the way, Abdul, sorry about your house."

5. "Yeah, there's a hundred thousand of us, and we all got one of these. That's why you f**kers lost."

6. "You made $80 selling daffodils to the Amnesty International observers because they thought they were poppies? Abdul, you magnificent bastard."

7. "Hey, Mohammed, what's with the flags and tassels on your bike? You some kind of commie faggot or something?"

8. "Abdul, you can't let those gang banger wannabes diss you in front of your homies. Here, take my gun and lay down some science on those mutha-f**kahs."

9. "O.K., I'll show you the pictures of my sister's Spring Break in Daytona again, but it's gonna cost you if you want the video."

10. "... and then, when you want to clear the chamber, you have to ... what's that, Rahim? ... O.K., one more time, just for you. 'Don't cry for me Argenti-na/The truth is I never left you...'"

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

China's Eric Cartman

1. "When I grow up, I'm going to be a slovenly left-wing documentary film-maker."

2. "This diaper's making my nuts rub together. It's gonna start a fire."

3. He's not fat, he just has a horrendous soy sauce food allergy.

4. "Go ahead, Ling, show the chairman your big fat baby ass. Thatta boy."

5. "Follow your dreams. You can reach your goals. I'm living proof. Beefcake! Kick-Ass!"

Real Headline Says It All

Gay Or Straight? Hard to Tell.

1. Based on the poster, I'm guessing Fight Club II will be nothing but bitch-slaps and hair-pulling.

2. Hard to tell? Even when he's wearing a bright pink shirt and playing pocket pool? Your gaydar must be Soviet-Era.

3. Five guys who are completely unaware that the words "power tools" exist outside a p0rn0graphic context.

4. What has five legs, ten heads, and a cumulative IQ of seventy?

5. From L-to-R, 1.) Used to wank while thinking of Jennifer Aniston, 2.) Banged a waitress while thinking of Jennifer Aniston, 3.) Banged Jennifer Aniston, 3.) Fantasized that he was Jennifer Aniston while being banged by a waiter who looked like #3, and 5.) Thinks he's prettier than Jennifer Aniston.

6. "All right, ma'am, just look at the line-up and tell us who stole your purse... No. 4, step forward and scream, 'it's fabulous, I simply must have it!'"

7. "So, this is Purgatory."

8. "Wow, who would have thought a simple avocado facial rinse would have thrown all of us out of the space-time continuum?"

Monday, June 20, 2005


1. "I'm comin' Elizabeth!"

2. "I'm a conservative judicial appointee! Booga! Booga! Booga!" Dean looks on as members of the press squeal and dive for cover.

3. "Don't be a fool, Dean. Do what the man says and throw over your wallet and all the dope."

4. Senator Reid has a sudden flashback to the moment he saw Hillary's ass for the first time.

5. "All right! All right! Yes, Senator Byrd was a leader of the Klan, but it wasn't a racist thing. It was... a strange sexual fetish, something every democrat can relate to. I won't go into details, but he owns like ten copies of The Ghost and Mr. Chicken on DVD."

6. "I had a headache earlier, but Tuhrayzuh Heinz Kerry was kind enoug to give me some of her headache medication and now I am a daisy, extending my gentle petals to the morning light. Come, gentle bee, and slake thyself on my generous pollen."

7. "No, this is Hillary's office. Isn't the giant protrait of Bea Arthur a dead giveaway?"

8. "I'm not saying you're an idiot, Senator, I'm just saying most people use string when they make a cat's cradle."

9. "Ten inches senator? Come on, not even Dan Rather would buy that one."

10. "What, no hugs? And you call yourselves the liberal media."

Howard Dean (L), Democratic National Committee Chairman, and Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, D-NV(AFP/File/Brendan Smialowski)

Friday, June 17, 2005

Neverland Ranch Garden Gnomes

1. "Better not let Kathie Lee Gifford catch you slacking off. She'll whip your ass!"
2. "That's interesting, Billy. And what did the Prince of Pop ask for after you squatted on his chest?"
3. "Hey, a lima bean that resembles The Leader! I'll put it with the others."
4. "I warned you those six Habanera burritos would come back to haunt you."
5. "Tell me about the rabbits again, George."
6. "Wow! Those two Hobbits are really goin' at it over there."
7. "Oh, no! Billy's just seized up with one of his 'Pocalyptic Visions. I bet Tom Cruise just proposed to Katie Holmes."
8. "Movie... two words... Got it... 9 1/2 Weeks..."
9. "So, anyway, Billy, Mr. Jackson dressed you like Huck Finn and told you to call him what?"
10. "Two weeks of weeding the vegetable garden, but it was worth it to see the look on mom's face when she saw what I did to the dog." --- Aileen Wuornos, the Early Years.
11. "I still can't believe you ate all fifty eggs."
12. "Another earthworm? Gee, Gage, you aren't real particular about where you get your protein are you?"
13. "Another human bone? Bag it and get it to Grissom."
14. "I can't believe we paid the coyote $10,000 to end up doing this."
15. "Pssst, Billy, we're not supposed to organically fertilize until after the pickers leave."
16. "You have to wear a straw hat because you just exfoliated? Billy, you scare me."

Too Heavy on the Obscure References?

Source: The Newspaper in the Small Town Where I Grew Up.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Wakka Chikka Wakka Chikka

1. Several guests at the fundraiser whipped out their cell phones and ordered pizza, hoping her finely-honed p0rn-star instincts would take over and result in a memorable evening.
2. "No, ma'am, the president will not be needing a 'fluffer.'"
3. "I haven't been back to D.C. since we made Enema of the State, The Oral Orifice, and Boobtime for Bonzo.
4. "I feel your pain, Senator First. I've had to 'bend over for Hillary' a few times myself."
5. "I thought the Washington Monument was the Clinton Monument. I felt dumb, but you can understand the mistake."
6. "Well, John McCain just showed up, so I guess I'm no longer the biggest whore in the room."
7. "I'm very eager to meet this 'Dick Army' I've heard so much about. How many of them are there?"
8. "Why does Senator Lugar keep asking if I like 'Seasoned Beef?' I thought we were having chicken?"
9. "I see Rick Santorum's going on again about polygamy and bestiality. Can I get his number?"
10. "Howard Dean is the Peter North of Stupidity."/(okay, that's an obscure reference.)

Porn star and former California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey poses for photos as she attends the annual President's Dinner in Washington Tuesday, June 14, 2005. (AP Photo/Gerald Herbert)

Can you hear me now?

1. "... um, a white hat, long white robe, boxers... Yes, it is hot."
2. "Holy Father, have you ever had the feeling that everyone is ignoring you?"
3. "Sorry about that, Dr. Zaius. Now, what were you saying about apes evolving from men?"
4. "You know, Holy Father, calling the Psychic Friends Hotline in the middle of my confession doesn't fill me with confidence."
5. "No, we will not be ordaining marriage between gay men and beagles, Good bye! Which one of you dummkopfs gave Andrew Sullivan my cell number."
6. "K99 Rocks Rome is the phrase that pays! Am I the 6th caller! YES! Slipknot Tickets, here I come!"
7. "No, I am not interested in doing a Cheers Reunion Special. Who do you think you're talking to?"
8. "... I can't make out what you're saying. Call me back. Now, you watch the video, the phone rings, and seven days later what happens?"
9. "Yes, that's right. Have our lawyers to move the trials of all those priests to Santa Maria, California."
10. "Quick! What's the number for 911?"

Hat Tip: Amy Welborn

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

I'll Have What He's Having

1. "See, I told you inviting Monica was a great idea. If she's finished, she can come out from under the table now."
2. Whoops! The table's vibrating. I better set it on low.
3. Hmmm, better have Lucas redo this scene to make it look like Greedo shot first.
4. "Whose foot is that? Barney Frank? Not that there's anything wrong with that."
5. "And then the White Christian says, 'Rectum? Almost killed him!'"
6. "Sorry guys. Scrappleface was a real hoot today."
7. Aw. jeez. Fatass Dean is pretending to 'sneeze' on all the crazy bread so he can keep it for himself.
8. "Hey, Howard, remember that speech in New Hampshire when you were really on fire and said you wanted to kill, skin and eat a Republican right there? Well, guess what?"
9. "Oh, YEAH! Here comes the Prozac!"
10. "Sir, would you like an after dinner mint? It's wafer thin!"

Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean laughs prior to giving the keynote address at the Iowa Democratic Party's Hall of Fame dinner, Saturday, June 11, 2005. (AP Photo/Charlie Neibergall)

Thanks: AbbaGav

California Justice Strikes Again

1. "Oh, I'm so glad this is over and life can be normal again. Get me a pack of naked cub scouts, get my Peter Pan outfit out of the closet, and shave Bubbles!"

2. "Tell O.J. I don't need help tracking down 'the real molesters,' but tell Robert Blake I'm totally up for an Our Gang marathon. I'll bring the Crisco."

3. "Whoa, that's the last time I'll ever share my bed with a 12 year old cancer boy ... well, probably not the last time."

4. "So, what size millstone do you figure my neck will need anyway ... a four, maybe a five?"

5. "Boyfinger, the pink lipstick really makes it hard for me to 'respect your authoritah!'"

6. "I'm going to Disneyland... and I'm gonna score too!"

7. "When I get acquitted of molestation, I touch myself..."

8. "Yes, the trial is over, but when will I get back my life, my career, my dignity, my extensive collection of Hobbit-p0rn?"

Monday, June 13, 2005

Two Horses Heads...

1. "Hey, why the long face?"
2. "What say we have a few drinks at the bar while we wait for Famine and Pestilence to get here?"
3. "Now do you believe that Hillary is a witch?"
4. Kinky Fetish Day at Disney World always brings out the freaks.
5. "What kind of bastard puts a matter transporter on riding trail. I say we kick Jeff Goldblum's ass right now."
6. "So, are you a gelding or are you just not happy to see me?"
7. "Of course, once we get to Neverland Ranch, we have to stay naked from the waist down."
8. With both of his knights off the table, Dick Cheney's chances of prevailing in Human Chess were perilously slim.
9. "Wow! What are the odds we'd both show up for class pictures wearing white scarves and horse's heads?"
10. "Check it out. Catherine the Great's putting the moves on Bucky."

Racegoers wearing horses heads share a conversation at the Epsom Derby at the Epsom Downs Racecourse, in Epsom, England, Saturday June 4, 2005. (AP Photo/Jane Mingay)

... and Three Horses Asses

1. "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8/Schalmeel,Schlamazel/Hassepfeiffer incorporated..."
2. "You guys are, like totally, the worst red-rover players EVER!"
3. "Come, come, my little droogs, let's getty get to the milk bar before our night of ultraviolence."
4. "Without you guys, coming out of the closet would have been impossible. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Let's go out and buy some pretty things!"
5. "... and now we are going to the place in France where the naked ladies dance."
6. "You just keep pulling those fingers, Jacques. Fischer ate about eight pounds of sausages on the flight in. He can keep it going all day long."
7. "... then, after you threw up all over Swedish Ambassador, you insisted on stirring the punch bowl with 'little Pierre.' Dammit, Jacques, we're just gonna take you home."
8. "Un rectume dit 'quoi!'" "Quoi?" "Exactement."
9. "Gentlemen, could you refrain from speaking German in front of my security detail. It tends to make them wet their pants."
10. "Swing Your Partner/Do-Si-Do/Kick him in the crotch/And Go Cat Go!..."

French President Jacques Chirac,German Chancellor Gerard Schroeder, and German Foreign Minister Joschka Fischer at the Elysee Palace in Paris, Friday, June 10, 2005.

Hat Tip: Sharon

Friday, June 10, 2005

They're not People, They're Hippies!

Protest the occupation/war in Iraq, gas prices and the suppression of our freedoms! Ride As Bare As You Dare!. . . Be There or Be Square! For a future to exist for tomorrow's generations, we must stop wasting the life blood energy of the Earth, stop fighting and killing in the name of consumerist wealth accumulation, ... yadda yadda yadda...

1. "Yeah, so I lost the keys to the handcuffs. Suck it up, ya big baby."
2. "You know, Chris, I keep forgetting whether you're a chick or an intense metrosexual." "Yeah, me too."
3. "I don't know if you were going for the Anne Heche look, the Ilsa, She-wolf of the SS look, the Albino Aunt Jemima look, but whatever it is, you missed badly!"
4. "I can't believe we missed the Xena marathon on Lifetime for this."
5. In the lesbian version of Star Trek, the butch with the red do-rag is always marked for death.
6. "All right, now Jane Goodall's following us around with a camera and a notebook. Would you finally just shave the damn legs!"
7. "Well, you have a sweet bike. And you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're like the only dyke at school who has a mustache.
8. "Does anyone suspect we wrote 'Hate' and 'Suffer' in our own menses? That's gotta be worth a NEA grant right there."
9. "Screw this tolerance crap! Let's just kill everything with testicles!"
10. Keeping the beaches safe for womyn, Anne Heche and k.d. lang are Byke Patrol. Coming the fall on USA Network.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

It's Sad When Age > IQ

Long story short, some Moonbat grannies in the SFO Bay Area (Natch) got up in arms over Wal-Mart showing a patriotic video on their in-store TV's and decided to relive their glorious days of rebellion in the 60s. (That would be the 1860's.)

1. "Oh, shit, our drummer just spontaneously combusted."

2. "All right, let's wrap it up and get over to Luby's for the 4:30 Early Bird and Flag-Burning."

3. "We're Sergeant Pepper's Lefty Farts Club Band..."

4. "If anybody yells 'DO "FREEBIRD"!' again, I'm going to take this accordion and shove it right up his ass. Sideways!"

5. In Hell, you will be forced to listen to endless Michael Bolton tunes covered by bitchy old women with accordions.

6. "And now a little Pink Floyd, from the album I can't remember the name of but I vividly recollect sorting stems and seeds on the gatefold sleeve of it. Here we go..."

7. "Thank you, thank you... catch us next week at the Farmer's Market, where we'll be running down some young people with our Toyota Avalons."

1. "... and one other thing, young man, Der Fuhrer would have known exactly what to do with social parasites like you!"

2. "Well, someone left a gray pubic hair in my 'Cracklin' Oat Bran' and we're not leaving 'til I find out who it is!"

3. "... and you Republicans, impeaching a president for a little oral action. Woodrow Wilson sodomized me regularly, and you didn't hear me bitch!"

4. "Fery Funny youn' man... Now, giff me back my teef!"

5. "And it was Karl Rove's mind-control confusion beam that caused me to confuse my Ben-Gay and Dentu-Creme."

6. Something tells me Andy Dick is off the wagon again.

7. "I'm a little teapot, short and stout..."

Soylent Pizza Is Made Out of Hippies!!

James Lileks featured this, on the website for Galactic Pizza, "Pizza with a Conscience," macrobiotic pizza for dippy hippies. I have no objection to entrepreneurs lightening the wallets of moonbats, nevertheless... everybody point and laugh!

1. "The Dork Signal! Quickly, to the Dorkmobile!"
2. Just how "special" do you have to be to need a helmet for Tai Chi?
3. Emperor Zordaxx, scourge of a thousand galaxies, couldn't figure out why the Earthlings would not take him seriously.
4. Bumper sticker reads, "I brake for gay naked hobbits."
5. Meet the guy whose pizza delivery man p0rn fantasies will never, ever come true.
6. Have you ever passed a guy wearing a giant cell phone costume passing out brochures for T-Mobile and felt really sorry for him. Well, that guy feels sorry for this guy.
7. A word of advice, do not order the "special mushrooms and herb" topping.
8. No one was surprised when the bodies of 34 missing Hooters girls were found in his crawlspace.
9. The one human being who has ever been rejected by ITT Technical Institute.
10. Ten bucks says the words "wedged under a Hummer" will figure prominently in his obituary.

The Real Reason Hobbitses Are Extinct

I was doing a google image search to find a picture of Elijah Wood/Frodo to use in a follow-up on my post yesterday about bug-eyed sociopaths, and I came across this. (Um, maybe I should say, I "found" this.)

It comes from this German website which is neither work nor family friendly, so be cautioned.

1. Meanwhile, back at the Neverland Ranch, life went on as usual.
2. Lost in the throes of passion, they never heard the approach of the combine harvester. The results were gruesome.
3. If the Hobbitses come out of their hole and strike a homoerotic pose, expect six more weeks of winter.
4. "O.K., my love, Enough frolicking on the grassy knoll. We have to grease JFK now."
5. "Well that's four fingers, try five..."

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

What if they mated

Henry Rollins:

+ Ed Grimley:

+ Jennifer Wilbanks


The Canadian nut-job that hitch-hiked over the border from Canada with a bloody chainsaw and a knapsack full of home-made knives and a sword with a swastika on it after hacking a neighbor to death. The Border Patrol let him go, of course.

They Got Their Eye On You

"Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" cast members Kyan Douglas (left), Carson Kressley and Thorn Filicia throw out the first pitch Sunday. (Winslow Townson/AP)

1. "They throw like girls," huffed Jason Varitek. "Why does that turn me on?"

2. "Don't get excited, Carson, they're just wearing cups."

3. "Did you really have to ask the bat boy if he had ever seen a grown man naked?"

4. Who's on first, What's on Second, and a freakish effeminate sodomite in a pink jersey is on third.

5. "There's no such thing as a seventh-inning grope, but, don't you wish there were?"

6. No wonder they can't pitch. Until now, they thought "Eight Men Out" was a documentary about the Village People.

7. "Mmmm, the last time I had a 'double-header' I couldn't sit down for a week."

8. "This reminds me of little league ... except that I used to curl up in a fetal position and wet my pants whenever someone threw a ball at me."

9. "Carson, please stop singing "Put me in coach/ I'm ready to play." We can't deal with that disturbing imagery right now."

10. "So, when do we get to meet Darth Vader?"

Monday, June 06, 2005

Moronic Convergence

Apparently, a group of Anti-War protesters was attracted by the news cameras surrounding the Michael Jackson trial, so the Anti-War Moonbats converged with the Pro-Paedophilia Moonbats.

1. "France Is Fighting With You," perhaps the five most meaningless words in the English language.

2. So, apparently the rumors about Jimmy Fallon and RuPaul are true.

3. "I am gesturing at Michel. I am offering heem ze handjob, but he remains kewriously unresponseev."

4. "Must... Control... Claw... of ... Death..."

5. "Free Michael Jackson!" A phrase previously heard only from record store owners trying to unload excess inventory of HIStory.

6. In France, Michael Jackson is considered quite manly.

7. Actually, the RuPaul-ish woman on the left is stoned out of her mind on Windex and has been helping Little Jack Horner gather plums since before the protest started.

8. Two protestors receive simultaneous monster-wedgies.

9. The banner originally read "France is behind you," but given the nature of the charges, it was deemed to be too obvious a target.

10. Both protestors were ultimately disappointed when they found out "hung jury" didn't mean what they thought.

This One Goes to 11

1. Al wonders,"When did Chelsea's breasts get so perky?"
2. Bill wonders, "When did my daughter's breasts get so perky?"
3. Hillary wonders, "When did my daughter's breasts get so perky?"
4. Bill marvelled. "Usually, the Holy Bible bursts into flame when Hill touches it."
5. Hillary backhands Chelsea for suggesting that an "Oversized Load" banner be slung around Hillary's hips.
6. In the Bill Clinton Revised Bible, the Commandment reads "Thou Shalt Not Admit Adultery."
7. "I, Hillary Rodham, do solemnly swear to ... *SNICKER* uphold and ... *HEEE HEEE HEEEE* defend the ... *SNORT* Constitution ... "
8. "No, Hill, you're supposed to say 'Hillary Rodham Clinton' not 'Insert Name Here' when we get to that part. Let's try this again."
9. "Well done, Hill." "Thanks Obstacle... I mean ... Bill."
10. "It's so nice to see you Hillary and Chelsea. Gee, Bill, too bad you couldn't bring your WHORE" Al was still just a mite bitter about the 2000 election.
11. Bill ruins another Bible moment by observing that Mary had "dynamite knockers."

Friday, June 03, 2005

You Are Now Free to Moon the Country

1. Andrew Sullivan awkwardly attempts to get the attention of a hot baggage handler.
2. In an attempt to cut costs, meal services on USAirways will now consist of a dead rat hung over each seat.
3. "I'm thinking Johnson ain't on board with the America West merger."
4. "As a matter-a-fact, I do get a plumber working on row 23-F. Why'd'ya ask?"
5. "Then, the terrorist grabbed the gun from the Sky Marshall, blew out the window. Explosive decompression. We were goners. If only we had something big enough to plug the hole. Then someone remembered! Michael Moore was on this flight!"
6. After being refused a Federal Bailout, the airline was saved when USAirways successfully got an NEA Performance Art Grant.
7. "Rectum? Damn near KILLED him!"
8. "Something about a 'g-dammed cat hogging the lavatory' and he just couldn't hold it."
9. (singing) "I See... A Bad Moon Risin'..."
10. "Damn, I had no idea you bitches were such horny sluts." "We prefer 'flight attendant.'

Dean the Pious

1. "Ia! Shub-Niggurath! Black goat of the woods with a thousand young!"

2. "Mork Calling Orson. Come in, Orson..."

3. "...and if you will cure this horrible rash, I promise never to have unprotected sex again."

4. "And when I get nervous, I put my fingers in my armpits, then I smell them, like this."

5. "Praise to Thee, Fah, god of joyous vengence, for laying the entrails of our enemies before us on the glorious feast of Botar! Amen!"

6. "Hail Mary,full of grace... blah, blah, blah... blessed is the fruit of the loom ... yadda yadda... something about sinners ... Jesus H. Christ, Amen." There, that'll sew up the Catholic vote.

7. "Hrrrr-ock, Ptui.... Ooooh, that's a keeper!"

8. "The slave is in the proper position, Mistress Hillary. The slave needs to be whipped and whipped hard, Mistress Hillary."

9. I bet if you lit up those old hymnals in the back, this place would go up like a five dollar skirt on a ten-dollar whore...

10. That's odd. I wonder if the Clintons know all the crosses in their house are hung upside down.

Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean pauses for a moment during an interview with the Associated Press in Washington, Tuesday, May 24, 2005. (Ass Press)

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Dr. Seuss Updated: Cat on the Can

1. "Hey! Occupado!"

2. "Knock it, off, George Michael! You guys are grossin' me out!"

3. "I'll show you what I think of your precious Koran!"

4. "Your damn cat just crapped all over my stash! How am I supposed to post at Democratic Underground now!"

5. What's the got your dung?

6. Judging by the red-shift and the way the lid is distorted in the second picture, I strongly suspect the cat and the toilet are being sucked into a black hole.

7. Purina's "Burrito Fiesta" flavored cat food bombed out in test marketing.

8. (Obscure Reference Alert. "What the Hell do I got left? My perspective. Your move!"

9. By replacing the heroin addicts with family-friendly, talking animals, Disney totally ruined Trainspotting.

10. The Reincarnated Elvis vainly tries to communicate his predicament.

A Burmese cat named 'Doogal' is seen in this combo picture as it sits on a toilet in Sydney

A Blatant Plea for James Lileks Attention

1. Kofi Anan's hand-picked committee prepares to look into the oil-for-food scandal.

2. Ah, the fifties, when women weren't insulted by a cologne named "Stupette."

3. The guest: Paris Hilton. The correct answer: Stupid Spoiled Whore.

4. Many viewers were disappointed when they TiVo'd this show based on the TV Guide Description: "A foursome of men and women in blindfolds get down to business."

5. The secret episode where the panel tripped out after licking the Mickey Mouse stickers provided by "that nice Dr. Leary."

6. "Do you shave your pubes?" "Yes!" "Mamie Eisenhower." Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!...