Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Bawdy Babes and Lusty Lasses

1. Ellen introduces the new "picture my guest naked, shackled, and slathered in motor oil" segment of her talk show.

2. A surprising number of Ellen's guests begin the show with a hearty "Heil Hitler!"

3. "Isn't she hot ... I mean, great... folks? And we have many other breasts, er, many other guests on tonight's show. And we're going to eat out all of them, I mean, get to know all of her... all of them. So, strap on... I mean, strap yourselves in, and enjoy the show."

4. "Everybody who wans to see me in an erotic cat-fight with our guest, put your hands together!"

5. Soon Ellen thought, Soon, I will convert her to my Dark Master's faith, and when the Great Old Ones return, my reward will be great indeed.

6. "Honey, it's either a butch gray pantsuit or tight leather," the wardrobe assistant sighed. "There's just no in-between with her."

7. Her guest would soon discover that she had lifted her blouse for nothing because there were not, in fact, any beads to be had from Ellen's audience.

8. The Interview rapidly went south when Ellen was asked if her outfit came in sizes for attractive women.

9. "Sit on my face/And tell me that you love me/I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too..."

10. Little did Ellen suspect that in return for winning American Idol, Carrie had sworn an oath to 'slap every lesbian in the world.'

Talk show host Ellen DeGeneres, right, welcomes 'American Idol' winner Carrie Underwood during a taping of 'The Ellen DeGeneres Show,' in Burbank, Calif., (AP Photo/Warner Bros, Chris Polk)

Monday, May 30, 2005

Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer

German Chancellor Gerhard Schroder and French President Jacques Chirac make the four-legged, two-headed love beast while dancing to Yvonne Elliman's disco classic, "If I Can't Have You, I Don't Want Nobody Baby."

1. "Invade me, Gerhard! Invade me like a ravaging hun!"

2. Gallant promises to respect and cherish their relationship forever. Goofus feels smothered.

3. Jacques Chirac tries out some of the German his mother learned during the war. "Hello, handsome German soldier. Looking for a good time?"

4. "Eeeewwwwww... Euro-tongue."

5. "I can't help it, Gerhard. Harry Potter movies get me so damn hot!!"

6. Try as he might, Schroder just couldn't get past the image of Chirac doing it with Lumbergh.

7. "Did I ask for a hug? Do I look like I need a hug? Let me the f**k go!"

8. "Oh, don't be so uptight, Gerhard. This is Europe. Pretty much everybody's a fag."

9. Poot! "Ach! Du habst einen farten aus-squeezened!"

10. "Don't worry, mon ami, I will help you pass your gallstone!"

Hap Tit: Brian Sligowski

Friday, May 27, 2005

Big MFing Fish Photo

1. Troy McClure was just one of the beneficiaries of the latest Supreme Court of Massachusetts ruling.

2. "The fishing here rocks! Superfund Site my ass!"

3. Renaissance fairs frequently have to turn away visitors who unclear on the concept of a 'cod-piece.'

4. "What'd I use for bait? Dismembered hitch-hiker."

5. Last known photo of Billy Joe Frank before he wondered into the Blind Lesbian Biker Gang camp-out.

6. "Looking for love in all the wrong places..."

7. "What are all these horny gay dudes doing at a Bass-Masters Competition?" Billy Joe wondered.

8. Billy Joe really knows how to handle his pole. He's not a bad fisherman either.

9. The best was yet to come. When Billy Joe got the fish home and gutted it, he found 20 kilos of pure Columbian Snowflake in its belly.

10. KA-BLAMMMMM! "Hey, Merle, I think the Game Warden just found one of our Claymores."

Tim Pruitt, holds a 124-pound blue catfish early Sunday morning, May 22, 2005, that he hooked late Saturday on the Mississippi River near Alton, IL. (AP Photo/Handout photo provided by the Illinois Department of Natural Resources)

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Eugene Ionesco Had a Point

1. "... and then the bartender says, 'Take back the banana, that's not a gorilla, it's Senator Mikulski.'"

2. One of the sicker jokes in the Senate is too scream "INCOMING!" when McCain begins having a Nam Flashback.

3. John McCain calls "Tickle Party" on Senator Joe Lieberman.

4. "Yo! Kobe, Over here, I'm open." (That caption never gets tired.)

5. Until I saw this picture, I thought John McCain playing patty-cake with Democrats was just a metaphor.

6. "Senator McCain, how do you respond to those who say you sold out your party and threw two good judges to the sharks just to feed your presidential ambitions." "To them I say, I say 'Gaze into the awesome power of my E-e-e-e-e-e-vil eye.'"

7. "Watch me hock a loogie on the Constitution."

8. "I'm comin' Elizabeth!"

9. "Come here, girl! Come here, bring the stick! Bring the stick! See, I told you Lindsey Graham was my bitch."

10. "Laws, look at that crybaby Voinovich. He never would lasted a second in a Hanoi tiger cage."

Senators L-R, John Warner (R-Virg), Ben Nelson (D-Nebr), Joseph Lieberman (D-Conn), look on as U.S. Senator John McCain (A-Hole) gestures, using all fingers instead of the middle one he uses for Republican Conservatives. (Stringer/Usa/Reuters)

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

That's My Bush!

1. "These places are so phony, don't you think?"

2. "Yes, Mrs. Bush, it was me who put blotter acid into the gerbil's water bottle. It's not as cute as Hamster Dance but it's still pretty damn funny, don't you think?"

3. "What do I want to be when I grow up? Same as every girl, a housebound baby-machine in a burlap sack churning out martyrs for the Islamist death cult."

4. "Aisha, you can grow up to be whatever you want. I don't care what your husband says."

5. "You're nice, Mrs Bush. I think I'll kill you last."

6. "Jasmine wouldn't share her crayons, so I gutted her like a fish and stuffed her in her cubbyhole."

7. "That's a lovely bomb-belt, Fatima. Did anyone else bring something for show and tell?"

8. "Yes, Mrs. Bush, they are real. And they are spectacular."

9. "Are you going to shake us down and then paw lewdly at our regular teacher like Mrs. Clinton did?"

10. "Milk and Cookies? You must be joking. On Tuesdays, we always slam a pony keg."

First lady Laura Bush sits down with students at the Om El Kora School in Alexandria, Egypt May 24, 2005. (Reuters)

The Foolishest Hair of All

1. "They launghed when I said I would combine human and poodle DNA. Who's laughing now? BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

2. John Kerry's heart swelled. "That wild hair! The emotional instability! Billions in Beatles royalties. I must have him."

3. Kids, we know they look tasty, but do you want to end up like this man? Please don't stick your tongue in light sockets. It's not just a good idea, it's the law!

4. To preserve balance in the universe, every time Michael Jackson gives up an ethnic trait, it must be absorbed by a white man. Guess what this guy absorbed?

5. John Bolton opts for a retro-seventies Afro in hopes of winning over votes from retro-70's-liberal democrats.

6. "It ain't bouncin' and it ain't behavin' Damn you Don King and your line of hair care products. Damn you all to Hell!"

7. "Grandpa's hair scares me." -- Next Springer.

8. "I like my hair like I like my women ... loose, kinky, and out-of-control."

9. "Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up sniffing glue."

10. 2035 A.D.: Carrot-Top ends his career by being voted "Most Annoying Bingo Caller" in an L.A. senior citizens center.

Music producer Phil Spector is shown in Superior Court judge Monday, May 23, 2005, in Los Angeles. (AP Photo)

Monday, May 23, 2005

Too Much Information

Another Gay Republican has tagged me with a a blogger chain letter requiring me to list 10 things I've never done.

10 Things I've Never Done

1. Watched The Wizard of Oz While listening to Dark Side of the Moon to see if they synch up.
2. Filled up the bathtub and then ran the shower so I could pretend I was in a submarine that had taken a hit.
2.5 Okay, I lied, I actually have done #2.
3. Tampered in God's Domain
4. Torn out the still beating heart of my enemy and showed it to him before he died
5. Sold more albums than Elvis or the Beatles
6. Danced With the Devil in the Pale Moonlight (Unless that Naked Midnight Outdoors on Halloween Dance counts)
7. Led a Crack Team of Highly Trained Commandos on a Covert Mission Deep Into Enemy Territory to Rescue a Fallen Comrade
8. Changed my name to an Abstract Symbol Incorporating Male and Female Signs
9. Turned out my own sister for Crack Money
10.Shot a man just to watch him die. [I never get what I really want for Christmas. :-( ]

I am also obligated to tag others, so, I'm picking KONS3RV4TIVE JAY, Pooklekufr, and Youngpundit.

Love Is In The Air

1. "I like you, Javier. I think I'll kill you last."

2. "Why don't you come back to my place. I'll break out the waffle iron and Wesson oil and dress like Aunt Jemima."

3. "Well, Kofi, you may be out of a job soon, and according to your resume, your only skills are running a corrupt anti-Ameircan bureaucracy, skimming off billions in illegal bribes while wasting billions more in tax dollars. So, I have to ask... would you like to run the EU?"

4. "Thanks for the invitation, but I don't want to 'pack any fudge' with you. It always goes straight to my ass."

5. "Careful, babe, or someone's going to drown in those eyes of yours."

6. "Sergey can be very persuasive, but I still don't think Condi is into the swap."

7. "What a slut," Javier thought. "Twenty bucks for a cheap bottle of Calvin Klein knock-off and he's all over me."

8. "But what about MY needs?"

Kofi Annan and EU foreign policy chief Javier Solana speak as Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov talks with U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice in the background,(AP Photo)

1. First there was MLK day which was good, then there was Black History Month which was just okay, but some say "Hug a Negro Week" was just one step too far.

2. "No, you duh man! God, I love you guys... I am so wasted."

3. "Hey! Hey! Hey! It's Della Reese! Come here and give Uncle Bill a hug."

4. "So, tell me more about this deee-luxe apartment in the sky you're movin' on up to."

5. "Can't breathe, now. Time to let go. Really... Can't... breathe."

6. Inter-Racial Frottage Day at Capitol Hill was always popular.

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-Tenn., second left, hugs Bishop Harry Jackson, chairman of the High Impact Leadership Coalition. (AFP Photo)

Saturday, May 21, 2005

A picture is worth a thousand captions

Janet Reno takes Saddam Hussein's one-man show on the life of Roy Cohn to Broadway. Hat Tip: Huffington's Toast (My new favorite blog.)

Friday, May 20, 2005

"Just Take Those Old Records Off The Shelf"

1. Andrew Sullivan's thighs quivered. He hadn't been this turned on since he saw the Abu Ghraib photos. The boyfriend and the beagle were in for a rough night.

2. Tide with Bleach does a great job on keeping your whites white and washing the blood of your enemies from your sweatpants, but nothing will clean the stains of tyranny from your soul."

3. The back was signed, "To Yasser, With all my Love, Saddam 'Hyena' Hussein."

4. Calvin Klein's new campaign was determined to be the most controversial ever.

5. "Of course I still respect you, Mr. Chirac. Now, be a good submissive and clean out my skidmarks with your tongue."

6. That's not Saddam Hussein. It's Burt Reynolds in a dressing room at the Gap.

7. "... let's see, poppers, amyl nitrate, butt plugs... I am ready for another night at the bath-house" While in prison, Saddam wrote and performed a one-man show on the life of Roy Cohn.

8. By the end of the week, the photos had already been mated to the lyrics of "I Will Survive" and made into a popular Flash presentation on JibJab.

9. Deprived of other amusements, Saddam passed his time with endless games of Strip Solitaire.

10. "So, let me get this straight. We have to use rubber gloves to handle the Koran, but you expect us to handle 'The Mother of All Skidmarks' with our bare hands."


11. To ease his loneliness, Saddam formed the crotch of his trousers into the face of Nancy Pelosi.

12. "Well, damn, here's my pants. What the Hell was I drinking last night? Why am I waking up in a sauna?"

13. Saddam also passed his time by stripping to his underwear and acting out Pee-Wee's Playhouse. Of course, in his version, Chairy got raped and pistol-whipped.

14. "Saddam, put your pants back on. No one wants to see 'the little insurgent.' "

And today's obscurest pop culture reference:

15. "Moy noime is Saddam. Would you like to see my drawrings? Oh, look, I'm in me knickers."

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Additional Opportunities for Pointing and Laughing

1. "I swear to God, if it takes growing up to be a drag queen with a heroin problem, I will get back at you for this humiliation."

2. "Now, be a good boy and put on your Nancy Pelosi botox mask."

3. "Because mommy's embarrassed to be seen with you, that's why."

1. Unfortunately, the bimbo didn't realize that back home "Boba Fett" had the body parts of four other girls encased in "frozen carbonite," which was how he referred to the basement freezer.

2. If this John offers to pay me in Coruscant Imperial Credits, I'll have his arms ripped off. My Mack Daddy may be not be a wookie, but he is big, hairy, and mean. God, I hate working the convention trade.

3. "The maitre'd at this 'really nice place' you're taking me too better not be a clown named Ronald."

4. Lower your standards a little, they said. You don't want to be the only girl who misses senior prom, they said. Sure, he's kind of nerdy, but he's sweet on the inside, they said..."

1. "OW! Stop hitting me! Ow! Stop it. Ow! Stop it."

2. George Lucas toyed with the idea of an alternate ending where Darth Vader turned state's evidence on Palpatine and was relocated to suburban New Jersey under the Federal witness protection program, but test audiences responded poorly.

3. Lord Vader began to suspect that one of his storm troopers was violating Imperial Directives on Steroid Use.

OMG That's a Fat Baby!

1. Apu and Manjula were shocked when one of the octoplets cannibalized the other seven, but on the other hand, the 87% reduction in diaperage was welcome.

2. "He's already been recruited for a variety of technical support positions."

3. "Manjula, are you sure you and Michael Moore were 'just friends?'"

4. "Faster, damn you, faster! Krispy Kreme just lit up the 'Fresh Donuts' Sign."

5. "Who would ever have thought a child would have such a horrendous allergic reaction to curry?"

6. "Normally, we are a very even-tempered people, but if one more person suggests I need a wide-angle lens on the 7-11 security cameras, I am going to go Kali on their ass."

7."Oh, by Vishnu, I think we got you away from the Neverland Ranch just in the nick of time. Now, let's take you home and get you out of that G-string."

8. "The Buddha... Marlon Brando... John Candy... William Howard Taft... he is certainly the reincarnation of some big fat slob."

9. "Manjula, he just said his first words. 'Screw you guys, I'm going home.'"

10. "Bad gargantuan freak! You leave daddy's hairpiece alone!"

Update/Obscure Reference of the Day:

11. "Master-Blaster Rules Bartertown!"

Eleven-month-old Lokman Hakim Mondol, who weighs 48 pounds is brought at a hospital by his grandfather Tabarak Mullick, in Calcutta, India, Monday May 9, 2005. His mother, Jnanera Bibi, tries to cool him with a hand fan. Lokman consumes 5 liters of milk and 1 kilogram of rice-flour every day and is suspected to be suffering from a rare hormonal disorder. (AP Photo/Sudipto Das)

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Everybody Point and Laugh

Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith opens Wednesday. So, let's make fun of some nerds (courtesy John Schneider and Cap'n Wacky).

1. "Umm, Chewie, what were you just doing in the Men's room with Grimmis?"

2. "... and now, Ed Asner will favor us with one his trademark anti-American diatribes."

3."Nappy, tangled, smelly... sort of like Fidel Castro when he gets out of the shower."

4. INSERT "Frenchwoman's armpit" caption here.

1. "Okay, the padlocks are secure. Now, you can spend the night at Michael Jackson's House."

2. "Jeez, Doc, now I wish those repressed memories had turned out to be Satan Worship."

3. "If Jango Fett had lived, I wonder if he would be as disappointed with his clone-son as I am with you."

4. After the court saw this pic, mom was awarded full custody. It was the happiest day of Billy's life.

1. "Sure, I can be a princess for you guys... or a nurse, or a Nazi, or Little Bo Peep..."

2. "Did I say 'insatiable nymphomaniac into discipline and anonymous sex?' I meant to say 'English Major.'"

3. "... and Rob is actually my brother. We call our relationship, 'the Massachusetts Trifecta.'"

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Barney Frank: Ass-Man

1. "Wow! I really won a 'prettiest boy' contest? And the prize is in your motel room! But I don't remember entering a prettiest boy contest."

2. "If I told you there was no genie, would you stop rubbing my ass?"

3. "Sure, I'd be willing to provide oral sex with a powerful and importance member of congress in order to advance my career. When do I get to meet Mr. DeLay?"

4. "Gee, Congressman, when you explain it that way, Michael Jackson really is getting a raw deal."

5. "Yes, my young buttocks are taut and muscular, filled with the promise and potential of youth... not like those pasty suet sacks of yours."

6. "Really, Congressman? That's an awful lot of male hustlers to bury in one crawl space."

7. "A.) I did not steal Nancy Pelosi's Underwear, b.) I am not currently wearing Nancy Pelosi's underwear, and C.) You may not 'take a look for yourself.'"

8."Let's see, Kerry, Kennedy, you... I guess it is true you need to be a complete moral reprobate to get elected from Massachusetts."

9. "'You put the 'ass' in 'Massachusetts' is the most pathetic pick-up line ever. I don't care if it worked on Andrew Sullivan."

10. "Let me get this straight. You'll pay me $500 to poop on your head?"

U.S. Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.) was more than happy to escort young politico and former D.C. resident Mike Evans into the VIP area at Philadelphia's Equality Forum last weekend.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Binge Purge of the Sith

1. "Anatomically correct Chewbacca Action Figure my ass."

2. "You know, most people in a race-riot would be looting iPods, laptops, plasma screen TVs..."

3. "Life is but a meaningless delusion produced by the collective misery of highly evolved viruses clinging to a cold, dank, ball of mud destined ultimately for obliteration... but, hey, neat toys."

4. But the clerk did not fall for the 'Jedi Mindtrick' bullcrap and they were both busted for shoplifting.

5. "So, now that we kicked your ass and stole your toys, would you still 'rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy Goth kid?'"

6. "I'm beginning to expect that this 'Pearl and Brain Guy do it at Toys 'R' Us' fantasy was just a ruse to take me birthday shopping for your brat nephew."

7. "White shoes before Memorial Day? You really are Satan's whore."

8. "Nah, if he does a caption suggesting anal penetration, that a-hole in South Carolina is going to report him to social services again. I think we're safe."

9. "Hey, remember that time you saved a turd in a glass jar because you thought it looked like Yoda?"

10. "You know, if I had known the wedding gifts were going to be this crappy, I never would have moved to Massachusetts." -

Hat tip: Gandalf. (Actually, this came in some weeks ago. I thought it was appropriate for the opening of Episode III.)

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Spot the Loony: Easiest Round Ever

1. Meanwhile, in an alternate universe, President Kucinich's nominee to be UN Ambassador awaits his confirmation hearing.

2. Gordo was baffled. So far no one had taken him up on the pin that read "Ask me how the United States is being run by a theocratic oil cabal."

3. "Why is it the guys in the moose costumes get all the women?"

4. One hopes the "Citizen's Advice" was to 1. Get back on your meds, 2. Stop dressing like a bad acid trip, 3. Get a job.

5. Ever since Death began hanging out at Democratic Underground, his politics have been getting loopier and loopier.

6. Michael Jackson finally went one nose job too far.

7. The Apocalypse was originally scheduled for 1968, but was postponed after Death and two of the other horsemen decided to follow Jerry Garcia for a while.

8. The following week, the Citizens Advice Bureau decided to revisit it's 'Casual Friday' policy.

9. "Wear pants? What kind of advice is that? Damn theocratic puritans running the Citizens Advice Bureau."

10. Finally, not even his own skeleton could stand the hippie's vile stench and desperately tried to erupt through the skin.

Christopher Driver, a candidate for the 'Rock n' Roll Loony Party' competed against Tony Blair during the 2001 general election.(AFP/File/Adrian Dennis)

I Tawt I Taw A Pooty-Poot

Part 1: Smell My Raincoat

1. "Satisfied, Comrade 'I-can-smell-Armani-a-mile-away?'"

2. "Thanks for letting me blow my nose in your Versace raincoat. You can have it back now."

3. "Still believe I couldn't plunge my hand into a man's chest and pull out his still-beating heart?"

4. "Don't worry about the stain. Mr. Lee will get it out. He has an ancient Chinese secret."

5. "Look what you've done. Look what you've done! Bad commie! Bad!"

Road Trip

1. "There's one with a walker! 50 points!" "Screw you, you commie bastard, I'm gonna go for the one in the wheelchair. The wheelchair!"

2. "Oh, my God, you just ran over Potsie."

3. "Aw, shit, Toonces just sprayed all over your raincoat."

4. "Pssssttt... what does the yellow light mean?" "Slow down." "What... does... the... yellow... light... mean?" "Slow down!" "Whaaaat... dooooeeees... theeeee... yeeeel-looowwww... liiiiight... meeeeaaan?"

5. "What is that, an 8-Track? Damn, your country really is the retarded stepsister of Western Civilization."

Hat Tip: Sondrak

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Moose and Squirrel

1. SWM, 47, Plushie, seeks frightening woman with high-pitched voice. Must be willing to wear flight goggles.

2. Scene from Ed Wood's unfinished masterpiece, "Bride of the Atomic Moose," starring Tor Johnson and Vampira.

3. "And I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I.... will always, love You-ou-ou-ou-ou."

4. "Bullwinkle... what are you doing?" "Taking out the trash, Rocky. Taking. Out. The. Trash."

5. Finally having secured a moose costume, a giggly retarded man, and an aging whore, Lyle finally completes the sexual trifecta he'd been pursuing since he was 18.

6. Tim Burton directs his first Maxi-Pads commercial.

7. "Wrong Costume Idiot. You have totally ruined my Catherine the Great fantasy!"

8. Unfortunately, once you've had moose, you'll always be loose.

9. "Into the mud, Scum Queen!!"

10. "Okay, so crossing moose and velociraptor DNA wasn't a great idea. My bad."

Vote Fraud Queen Christine Yanukovych Gregoire is carried by a man in a moose costume believed to be one of the undead zombie voters who turned out in massive numbers in last year's elections in Washington State. One notes that unlike the gentlemen in the boobie pic from earlier, there is no discernible bulge in the white shorts. Hat Tip: Sound Politics

Monday, May 09, 2005

Oogah Boogah

1. "Those are lovely, ma'am, but you still have to pay for the Pepsi."

2. "Self-esteem? What's that?"

3. "Man, that's a wicked-ugly goiter."

4. "Wow! Getting one-pastie to spin clockwise and the other counter-clockwise takes real talent."

5. "Okay, dad, I guess the hormone treatments and depilatories are working... but this still feels awkward."

6. "No, really, all Playboy field photographers use Kodak 'Fun-Savers.'"

7. "I wish mine were that big," thought the guy in the red T-shirt. "Oh, wait, they are."

8. Someone should tell Barb and Jenna that the election is over, and they can stop winning over the horny young male vote now.

9. One gay man in the back pointed desperately toward the deadly swarm of pteradactyls about to seal their doom, but no one else noticed.

10. "Come on, now all you guys can't be The Prime Minister of Spain."

11. The 7 Windows model meets her public.

A woman lifts her shirt for Mardi Gras beads on the infield at Churchill Downs during Kentucky Derby day festivities. (AP Photo/ Joe Imel)

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Muslim Women in Hijabs.. the Captioner's Friend

1. Paula Abdul misinterprets the American Idol producers' order to "never show your face around here again."

2. "And if you do not pay the ransom, your husband will be subject to the most unspeakable... yadda, yadda, yadda... I wonder what's on Oprah."

3. Traumatized by the close call, Ann Coulter adopted a new speech-giving outfit to prevent even a single molecule of pie from entering her mouth.

3. "If you want to see them alive, you will deliver the sum of ... oh, dear, it gets all blurry at this point. Oh, well... I always hated the little f**ks anyway."

4. Managing her multiple personalities became much easier once Fatima hit on the idea of leaving each other notes.

5. Fatime stared at the long-chain polymer ink molecules as they played in the fractal canyons of dried wood pulp... 'Damn, these are good 'shrooms...' she thought."**

6. "Industrial-Strength Vibro-Satiator my ass. Good thing I saved the receipt."

7. "A million dozen eggs, 2 lbs of Molson, a can of turkey, 36 packs of Oreos and 20 baskets of toilet paper.... Man, how stoned was I when I made this list?"

8. "'Dear Jewish Son of Pig and Monkey...' Oh, dear, maybe I should not have let the Imam help me write out my request for a raise."

9. "He puts 'Johnny Walker' on the shopping list, but fails to specify Red or Black. I just know I will be beaten for this."

10. "Ah, according to this postcard, the girl in our basement is named 'Becky,' and she's been missing since December 2002."

A Muslim voter leaves a Luton, England, polling station, after casting her ballot in the British general elections Thursday May 5, 2005.(AP Photo/ Max Nash)

** A book to anyone who guesses the reference.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Yeeargh!! Snake Boy!!

1. "Well, the King of Pop just came across this old Nastassja Kinski poster and... um, would you like some more Jesus Juice before I tell you the rest.?"

2. "Come on, sis. If you really have faith, the snake will not harm you. If you doubt your faith... I get your room."

3. "Alice Vincent Cooper! You put that snake down right now, young man! You'll never amount to anything if you don't shape up and act normal!"

4. "Billy, you can't play Cleopatra because it's a girl's part." "Stop enforcing heteronormative roles on me!"

5. "... and then you choke it until it throws up, or so my uncle explained to me."

6. A typical Christian Sunday School as imagined by the editors of Harper's magazine.

Moose in a Telephone Pole

1. Scene from Mel Gibson's The Passion of Bullwinkle.

2. "...and, the football transforms into a moose and goes wide. Man, the Redskins just can't catch a break."

3. "They're for Barack Obama's housewarming party. Apparently, Senator Byrd hates Bullwinkle almost as much as he hates 'n*ggras.'"

4. It is believed that on this site, sacred to Inuit people, a primitive version of 'Hollywood Squares' was once played.

5. The other interpretation of 'hung like a moose.'

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Cat Wranglers

1. Easter Sunday, 2000: Elian Gonzales's cat is returned to Cuba.

2. Ah, yes, nothing like Spring in Wisconsin.

3. "Hey, Toonces! You can't leave the scene of an accident."

4. "No, kitty! That's a bad kitty! Respect my freakin' awe-thori-tah!" Of course, the bullet went wide and greased Kenny.

5. After failing to heed Tim's warning about "Nasty sharp pointy teeth," Arthur lost five ... no, three ... members of his SWAT team to the "harmless little kitty-cat."

6. "All right! We eat meat tonight!"

7. "Mike, if you make one more crack about 'chaisng pussy,' I'm going to shove this assault rifle up your..."

8. Milo, Binkley, Opus, Cutter John, and the rest were all massacred in the 'Bush in the Bluebonnets' photo. Only Bill The Cat eluded the Secret Service detail.

9. "Dude, you better be using the 22. I don't want to have to clean these boots again."

10. "STOP! In the name of love... before you break my heart..."

Source: Strange Zoo

Monday, May 02, 2005

"Are you a pouf, or are you an 'ero?"*

* Free copy of my book to the first reader who knows the reference.

1. "Why do they always stare at my crotch?" Spiderman wondered.

2. "On second thought, guys, let's just go with buttless leather chaps."

3. Spiderman accidentally outed himself by saying, "Even though it's called 'fisting' you don't actually make a fist."

4. With the arrival of the 'Patriotic Spandex Boys," the "elbow sex" orgy got even kinkier.

5. "And now, please rise as the Secretary of Defense, joined by Captain America and Spiderman, play our national anthem with their armpits."

6. Rumsfeld and Captain America have just noticed that Spiderman is peeing on their shoes.

7. "Et Tu, Rummy?"

8. "... and with superheroes, we won't need your wussy Italian soldiers." Then, Rumsfeld capped his speech with the Sicilian hand-gesture for, "Your mother likes it doggie style."

9. Spiderman positions himself to create the illusion of goat horns, a subtle nod to His Satanic Master.

10. "Guys, you gotta wield your elbows lower if you want to get in gut shots. Sheez, our roller derby team sucks."

Hat Tip: Lawhawk