Friday, April 29, 2005

The Death of Senator Robert Byrd



1. Apparently, he caught Barack Obama making out with Barbara Mikulski in the senate elevator.

2. "O.K.... maybe 600,000 volts was a little high for a defibrillator. My bad."

3. Actually, doesn't this just illustrate how most people feel about going to HMO's?

4. "He's flatlining, can I have his hat?"

5. Remember when ER's politically correct preachiness was more... subtle?

6. "Yeah, he'll live... but won't he be surprised when he wakes up with breast implants and a sex reassignment due to a 'clerical error.'"

7. "Klansman? Nah, just a fetishist. Three times a week he comes in demands a prostate exam from a 'big black buck of a doctor.'"

8. "Well, I wonder how Senator Byrd will explain the Barbie doll lodged in his rectum this time.

9."Rectum? Damn near killed him!"

10. "Rosebud? What the Hell is Rosebud?"

Hat Tip: SondraK

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Yoo Hoo!

AlphaMu42 sent me this in a comment to a previous pic. He'll probably never do that again.




1. "Must not touch crotch during chorus of "My Heart Will Go On" ... Must not touch crotch during chorus of "My Heart Will Go On" ... Must not touch Oh! Crap! "

2. April 22, 1944. General Patton auditions dancers.

3. "You guys got it backwards. They show you boobies, then you throw them the beads."

4. Unfortunately, a picture of Simon Cowell smearing chocolate syrup on the taut buttocks of three Filipino prostitutes only gets you to the semi- finals of American Idol.

5. Get a clue, morons. If it ain't in water, it ain't synchronized swimming.

6. For future reference, high fives work better when you're facing each other.

7. "Let's! Do! The! Time! Warp! Again!"

8. Expressions that never caught on: "A cowboy, an Indian, and a leather guy short of a Village People reunion."

9. ""Alabaster, Stratocaster, cookies 'n' cream. Let's give Zarqawi a backdoor ream." Tricking Mike and Bill into believing the Navy was holding cheerleading tryouts was a cruel, cruel joke.

10. "Ten captions and he never once implied we were fags. This merits a Synchronized Happy Dance."

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Splendor in the Grass



1. "Prince Abdullah was willing to skip and hold hands, why are you so uptight?"

2. Where will you be when your laxative kicks in?

3. "With all these bluebonnets, you can't see the pot until you're practically standing on it!"

4. "Oh, God, Cheney... we just walked right in the middle of a tampon ad."

5. "Hey, look, there's a penguin, a rabbit, a woodchuck, a crippled guy and a couple of kids hanging out in my meadow. Dick, fetch my shotgun."

6. "Hey, Cheney... remember that episode of Star Trek when Spock breathed in the spores and got all goofy?"

7. "This is the plot where Arnold buried the guy who touched his ass."

8. "Bummer that Cokie lost the keys to your handcuffs, Dick."

US President George W. Bush (R) and Vice President Dick Cheney walk through a field of blue bonnets as they come out to greet Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah to the Crawford Ranch. (AFP/Jim Watson)

Monday, April 25, 2005

Of Governators and Girlie Men



I'm doing a corporate leadership training whatchamajigger, so captioning is going to be random and light.

1. "It is the repsonsibility of the girlie-man on my left to wipe my mighty buttocks. Not now!"

2. "Remember. Nothing says 'Job well done' like a nice firm pat on the buttocks. Please to demonstrate."

3. "So, will you join me in a round of 'He's Got the Whole World in His Hands' or are you all uptight girlie men."

4. "No one is being fooled as you try to conceal the erection inspired by my rock solid buttocks, Girlie man."

5. "Rumors that high-grade pot is being grown in the background are mostly exaggerrated."

6. "Okay, throw me your fat baby and I will kiss it."

7. "Near... far... where - ever you are ... I believe that my heart will go on..."

8. "My friend has asked me not to call attention to the urine stain on the front of his pants. So, I won't."

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger says farewell after addressing a Newspaper Association of America luncheon. (AP Photo/Eric Risberg)

Friday, April 22, 2005

Low Standards of Spongeworthiness



Hat Tip: Rodger

1. Paris Hilton prepares to meet the USS Carl Vinson.

2. The Middle School library just hasn't been the same since Planned Parenthood took over the curriculum.

3. "My God, look at me. I look like I was passed around at a Satanic sex cult all night. (sigh) The mirror never lies..."

4. Tonight on Quantum Leap: Sam Beckett leaps into the body of Taylor Hanson. "Oh, boy."

5. Checking the pantry at the Neverland Ranch, Conchita notes that they're out of Juicy Juice.

6. "Goddess, I love these Democratic Underground meet-ups. I wonder which one of these will fit a German Shepherd."

7. "When you've been with a Kennedee/And it burns when you pee/Gonorrhea! Gonorrhea!"

8. "Condoms, condoms, dental dams, amyl nitrate... where's the scrotal inflation kit?"

9. "Hey, Mack Daddy? Amber, here. Listen, I got a John here who keeps asking if I know who he is and jabbering on about being a Vietnam war hero. Anyway, he's into some weird sh*t... wants to call me 'TuhRayZuh' and penetrate me with a ketchup bottle. How much extra do I charge him?"

10. Jessie May was really looking forward to the family reunion in Arkansas.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Bush Week Continues



I can only conclude from this photo that the president is taunting me. He reads 'Caption This' every day, and he's daring me to do a 'pull my finger' caption.

1. Only his closest family knew of Bush's recurring nightmare of being in a Terry Gilliam animation.

2. "See, Dick, I told you a good lap dance would help you get over Cokie."

3. "Hey! Ann Coulter! What are you not eating?"

4. Upset with the drift of the second term, God Himself prepared to give Bush a wedgie of Biblical proportions.

5. The President's impression of Meg Ryan in the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally quickly cleared the bar.

6. "How long do you think they'll keep bringing out the free bread before they figure out I'm not ordering?"

7. In yet another show of obstructionist strength, the senate Democrats filibuster the president's "Moon Over My Hammy."

8. "I can't decide whether to have the eggs,bacon, ham, spam and spam, or the spam, spam, bacon and spam."

9. The president thought it was hilarious that Cheney wore cutoffs while streaking, but the rest of the cabinet thought that being a "never nude" was just weird.

10. Can God create a finger so big that not even He can pull it?

President George W. Bush orders cheeseburgers at the Rockaway Athletic Club in Columbia, South Carolina April 18, 2005. - Reuters

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

I am so going to heck for this



1. "Yo Kobe! Over here! I'm open! I'm open!"

2. Roman Catholics deserted the curch by the millions once mime was integrated into the Eucharist.

3. "No, I am not the guy who played Cliff Clavin on Cheers.



4. "Oh, my... it says the new pope's turn-ons are 'intelligence, sweetness, dogma, and a good massage' and his turn-offs are 'rude people and show-offs'"

5. "Turns out there never really was a Nigerian Cardinal in the running. It was just an internet scam."

6. "You say he was your 'first time'? Mine, too!"

7. "Oh, here's a good one. 'SWM, 47, salt-and-pepper hair, into spanking...' What the heck's a 'rubber fetish?'"

8. "Why do you think it's degrading to women?? She's the one holding the whip."

9. "Now, why would a man do that to his scrotum?"



10. [Insert stoned giggling noises here.]

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

They Can Smell Fear, You Know



1. "For shame advocating better Border Security! Bad dog! Bad!"

2. "You know, when you tell me I should go out at night and kill all the whores with a .38, you can be pretty darn persuasive."

3. "You gotta be the worst attack dog ever. Kennedy's gonna live and I have to clean up the mess!"

4. "What the hell are you looking at?"

5."You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair."

6. "The way that Korean Ambassador keeps staring at you creeps me out."

7. "And after the cabinet meeting, I'm going to take you to the vet to get tutored."

8. "He craps on the floor and drinks out of the toilet. We were originally going to name him 'Kennedy.'"

9. "And as soon as he honks up your fingers, we'll get them reattached. Until then, kwitcherbitchin'!"

10. "Barney has survived the Ordeal of Flame! Let us all bow before him!"

President George W Bush steps off Air Force One with his pet dog Barney at Andrews Air Force Base after returning from Ft. Hood in Killeen, Texas, April 12, 2005. (Larry Downing/Reuters)

Monday, April 18, 2005

The President Plays With His Balls



1. "Sorry 'bout that, but you guys wear cups for a reason, am I right?"

2. "Here, let's keep the rubes distracted while Karl Rove juices up the other team's Gatorade with horse tranq."

3. "Try to keep it in the spread. Laura's got a G riding on it."

4. "So, Brian... ever see a grown man naked?"

5. "Sorry about the wild pitch that just happened to bean Kennedy right on the forehead. My bad."

6. "Just to you know, Barb and Jenna are gonna chug everytime you scratch yourself."

7. "... I don't know, Cheney gave me these pills, said something about Doc Ellis... hey, are you aware there are little green gremlins jumping all over your back?"

8. "See if you can snag me a couple souvenir bats. Cheney and I are gonna go out and wreck some mailboxes later."

9. "You sure don't throw like a girl, Mr. President." "Don't kiss like one either. You busy later?"

10. Never having seen Independence Day, Bush totally freaked out when he turned around.

President George W. Bush is congratulated by Washington Nationals catcher Brian Schneider after the president threw out the ceremonial first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener at RFK Stadium,

Friday, April 15, 2005

Euro-Pr0n-Eco-Nazis



I am not making this up. The individuals pictured are in the business of making skin flicks and donating the proceeds to envirocauses.

I also understand from the article that in their movies these performers really, really, love nature. I mean, really, really love nature. In the physical sense.

1. The newest corollary to Godwin's Law: When Scandinavian p0rn0-stars start flashing swastikas, Europe is f*cked.

2. "Our next project is going to be an adaptation of a children's fairy tale called Hansel and Gretel and Inga and Inga's Strict Friend Ilsa."

3. Norweigan forestry experts now understood why they were seeing fewer cases of Dutch Elm disease and more cases of chlamydia in Old-Growth Norweigan forests.

4. "The Knights that Say 'Ni' demanded a shrubbery, but Inga was able make 'an arrangement' with them."

5. "You've heard of Wood Nymphs? I'm more of a Wood Nympho."

6. "Our next project will be kind of like Triumph of the Will, but with full frontal nudity and 'wokka-chikka wokka-chikka' music."

7. "Once you've had Maple, It will become your staple."

8. The real reason p0rn0graphy is so popular... you don't have to smell it.

9. If she's a typical European woman, I'm guessing her armpits could use some clear-cutting.

10. The Cult of Bob Ross takes the concept of "Happy Little Trees" to its logical extreme.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Captions Aside

Received a nice snail-mail note from NRO's John J Miller yesterday, saying the nice things about The Book you may have already read on Van Helsing or Youngpundit's blogs.

If you've bought a copy, thanks again. If you haven't, come on!

Thank you, Massachusetts



1. "Hey, Ted, um... I'm kinda busy, could you give Hillary and TuhRayZuh a ride home? Preferably by a route involving a lot of bridges?"

2. "It's all in the wrist, Ted."

3. "Jeeez, when Byrd invited us to a 'an old-fashioned southern housewarming' for Senator Obama, we had no idea he was going to light up a cross on his lawn."

4. "Can you turn away from the face of a hungry child? I know I sure can!"

5. "... and then the intern says, 'No, my teeth don't hurt. President Clinton said so!'"

6. "Pssst, Ted, smile for the peasants. It will give them hope as they return to their fetid hovels to eat their quaint meals of gruel and manure."

7. Smiles are contagious... so is that burning rash he picked up from a Saigon pro back in '68.

8. "Hi John!" "Hi Ted!" "How was your day?" "Not bad. Fell off a jetway again."

9. "Ted's smelling his fingers again... did you just spend ten minutes in the cloakroom with Barbara Boxer?"

10. "No Ted, I've got no idea what a 'nappy-ass weave' is. Let's ask Osama, Obama, whatever the Hell the colored guy's name is."

Senators John Kerry and Ted Kennedy, D-Mass., in the Rose Garden of the White House, Wednesday, April 13, 2005. (AP Photo/Lawrence Jackson)

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rummy



1. "'He's got the whole world... (clap) in his hands, he's got the whole wide world'... c'mon, sing along! Are you people uptight or something?"

2. "Step turn kick... step turn kick... Yes! Thank you. Finally, you've got it. Now, give me a hug."

3. "I've always fantasized about having all my fingers pulled at once. Now, we just need one more guy."

4. "Not now, mom, I'm playing with my Army men."

5. "... and when I get to the second chorus.. 'I en-joy be-ing a girl'... you two guys lift me up and turn me."

6. "I don't know what the big deal was. I often wear panties on my head."

7. "Make it so!" "Thank you, next." Rumsfeld was beginning to fear that his dream of a Star Trek: The Next Generation Musical would never see Broadway for lack of a suitable Picard.

8. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning, but, dude, you only need to spritz Polo, not bathe in it."

9. "Chicks dig me because I rarely wear underwear and when I do it's usually something unusual."

10. Made from a space age polymer, Rumsfeld's stealth 'cat's cradle' was almost completely invisible.

Real Caption: US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, pictured with US troops in Iraq, has arrived in the southern city of Kandahar on a surprise visit to Afghanistan, a day after making a trip to Iraq(AFP/Pool/Gerald Herbert)

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Obamarama



1. "...and tell Kennedy if he ever calls me Osama again, I'll bust his fat ass."

2. "Biden, get your hand off my shoulder, I don't swing that way."

3. "Did Byrd just crap his pants again?"

4. "Robert Byrd wants me to have my own private restroom?" "Well, technically, not for you personally ... "

5. "Biden, I could kill you and no one would ever know. Always remember that."

6. "Phrenology was debunked decades ago. Please stop asking to feel my head."

7. "By the way, Robert Byrd says he would shake your hand, but he doesn't want any of your n*gg*r germs."

8. "When I show you the Queen of Spades, you will kill them. You will kill them all."

9. "See, Barack, Byrd is kind of senile and when he sees you talking to white women, he gets a little, well..."

10. "Sorry, Biden, the Senate voted 85-15 that they wanted you to shut the f*ck up, and you're not getting your dentures back."


Real Caption
Senator Barack Obama (L), D-IL, talks with Senator Joe Biden ,D-DE, during a hearing of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee on Capitol Hill in Washington, DC. The committee is conducting hearings on the nomination of John Bolton to be the US Ambassador to the United Nations(AFP/Brendan Smialowski)

Monday, April 11, 2005

Lord of the Hissy Fit



1. "Is that a lump?"

2. "First the little shit recites the Anarchist Pledge and now she's giving an impassioned speech on "Free Mumia"... this is not going to help me in the red states."

3. "Why are they all chanting 'Wiener Dog?'"

4. "Yes, senator, I have a trust fund... why do you ask?"

5. "Come on, Mr. Kerry, say the pledge... don't make me smash your other foot with a sledgehammer."

6. "Poor thing... she's totally unaware that after the ceremony her virgin blood will be made an offering unto the great Cthulu."

7. "Uh, Senator... the pledge ended fifteen minutes ago. Senator? Senator! Oh, my God, are you squeezing yourself?"

8. "Oh dear God! The botox has made my nipples go numb! I can't feel the clamps at all!"

9. "Poor thing... he's totally unaware that after the ceremony his dessicated corpse will be offered to 'She Who Walks Behind the Corn.'"

10. "... one nation... under me!..."


Real Caption
U.S. Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., stands on the stage at Faneuil Hall in Boston, Sunday, April 10, 2005, during a flag ceremony with Victoria Strojwas, with Girl Scouts Troop 9357 of Dorchester, foreground, in an annual online student essay contest awards event, sponsored by the League of Women Voters of Massachusetts. Kerry was the keynote speaker of the event. In related news, Kerry confessed that democrat voters were idiots who were easily duped into not voting. "Leaflets are handed out saying Democrats vote on Wednesday, Republicans vote on Tuesday." he said.
(AP Photo/Chitose Suzuki)

Friday, April 08, 2005

More Propaganda Puke from the Pulitzer Putzes

Here's the high-res version where you can actually make out facial features.


1. The Iraqi National "Red Rover" Team was devastated to learn they were still not an Olympic sport.

2. Mammy!

3. Never turn your back on Grandma Babushka... she's a shover!

4. Newly liberated Iraqis are often astonished by the size of Hillary's ass.

5. "Into the Mud... Scum Queen!"

6. "Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!" thought Ahmed. "She wasn't supposed to start tripping until we got to the top of the minaret."

7. Mohammed's diverse set of wives included a nun, a cheerleader, a babushka, and a Bene Gesserit.

8. "O-O-O-O-O-O-O-Oklahoma! where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain..."

9. "Wow! Dirt! Sand! Everywhere! Neat!" Fatima and Prozac were a potent combination.

10. "Oooh! Looks like Jasmine a-a-a-a-lmost made it. Okay, Fatima, now you try and cross the freeway."

Real Caption:

Baghdad - An Iraqi woman reacts as she waits for the release of a family member from Abu Ghrab prison. Hundreds of people waited in frustration for hours, hoping relatives would be among the first detainees freed under a much-publicized amnesty. (Photo by Muhammed Muheisen, January 8, 2004.)

Thursday, April 07, 2005

One Likes Gerbils, One Admires Goebbels...


1. "So, Mr. Gere, what exactly goes into a 'Lemmiwinks Pie'?"

2. Richard Gere feared he could never win the Palestinian Bake-Off without his lucky 'Bake Naked' Apron.

3. "Now, we get the full set of four of these with some low-rider tires and gold trim on your Mercedes, and you be pimpin"

4. Another priceless exhibit for the Arafat museum: Suha's diaphragm.

5. The Holy Land Mine of Antioch. It's among the relics kept by Brother Maynard...

6. "You know, Ricky, most people don't bother to put icing on hash brownies."

7. "... and how many Zionists will be wiped out by this 'Death by Chocolate' dessert of yours?"

8. "Oh, Abu, it's nothing really. Now, Lou Gossett, Jr, oh, that man could bake!"

9. "So, Abu, ever had your scrotum inflated?"

10. "Oh, Ricky, you've made me the happiest man alive. Yes! Yes! I'll marry you!"

Hat tip: LGF

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Pulitzer Panel Picks Pirate Pic for Prize

This photo of an Iraqi insurgent terrorist won a Pulitzer Prize. Help me out here, was the Pulitzer committee back in 1945 giving prizes for pictures of Nazis heroically defending Hitler's Berlin to that last man?



1. "Abdul, you son of a pig and monkey! How can I hear the infidels approach if you can't keep that woodpecker from tapping against your skull?"

2. "... more like butt-pirate," the other insurgents snickered behind Abdul's back.

3. "Oh, for shit's sake Ahmed, are you to big a retard to even figure out the right way to use binoculars? Just how many generations inbred are you?"

4. "Damn! The Infidels would attack right in the middle of our production of Pirates of Penzance."

5. "Oh, swell, the pirate fantasy again. Shall I order the men to prepare their 'booty' for inspection, or should we just cut to the floggings?"

6. "Did that bird just crap in your lap or are you really happy to see me?"

7. Q. Who is this Iraqi insurgent terrorist's favorite state department official?
  • A. Richard A-r-r-r-r-r-mitage.

    8. Abdul didn't care if the other insurgents thought he over-accessorized, Cher was his goddess!

    9. "... and the bartender goes, 'Man, where did you pick up that hideous thing,' and the parrot says, 'Sunni Triangle.'"

    10. "Look, Abdul! Ugly Naked Guy is beheading an infidel!"
  • Monday, April 04, 2005

    Final Four Foxes Feeling Frisky



    1. "Don't cry, we don't all end up looking like 'The Vagitator.'

    2. "Mmmm... firm... perky... succulent... what's the adjective I'm looking for, here?"

    3. "Awwww, you got ketchup all over your jersey. You know what's good for getting that out? Hot girl-on-girl action!"

    4. "Can't... breathe... now.... Time to let go.... Really... Can't breathe..."

    5. "Please, Lisa, don't make me go over the whole 'good touch/bad touch' rules again."

    6. "You know what would make this evening complete? A bottle of Jaegermeister, a vibrating back massager, a and a twister board."

    7. "Brrr! My hands are cold. Can I warm them on your heaving breasts?"

    8. "Yeah, Billy will probably scream during the castration ... but do you want that 'A' in Womyn's Studies or don't you?"

    9. "Hi, my name is 'Milk.' I'll do your body good."

    10. "Who am I? You can just call me 'Fred Flinstone,' baby, 'cos I'll make your Bedrock."

    Real Caption
    Michigan State University women's basketball freshman walk-on Danielle Doneth (right) gets a hug from best friend Lauren Benson as she wipes away tears while cheering her team’s NCAA regional final win over Stanford in the final seconds at Tripper's sports bar in East Lansing, Michigan on March 29, 2005. - Detroit News

    Friday, April 01, 2005

    The Standard Kennedy Handshake



    Hat Tip: John Schneider and SondraK

    1. Bruce successfully completes Phase 1 of the "Gay-to-Straight 12 Step Program."

    2. Mr. Bean's Guide to Foreplay was widely regarded as the worst middle-school Sex Ed textbook ever.

    3. Doing the Beavis 'n Butthead "Huh huh huh huh huh" laugh did nothing to defuse the awkwardness of the moment.

    4. "Ummm... firm... perky... succulent... what's the adjective I'm looking for, here?"

    5. "You squeeze it... her mouth opens... and a 'PEZ' comes out. Dudes, this is like the best present ever!"

    6. "You have a kind face..." "Um, my face is up here." "I know."

    7. "Pull your finger? No thanks, love, I like my idea better."

    8. Click Here

    9. "Oh, it's just a quick test to make sure your supple breasts will produce sufficient nourishment for our children should things proceed. You pass."

    10. "Miss Ironbox, you are a valued member of our organization and I will give you a raise tomorrow if you come to work with your shirt off. Honk. Honk."

    Updates
    Courtesy of Tess Turbo.

    11. "These feel weird." "Oh, that's 'cause they're real."

    12. The optometrist convention was always a great place to meet other quality
    professionals, but the "Do you like it better like this?...Or
    like this?" line gets old fast.

    13. "Sorry, ma'am... but under the new Homeland Security Regulations, these searches are mandatory."

    Real Caption: "Spanish Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero talks to Noemi Sanin, the Colombian ambassador in Spain upon his arrival in Bogota, Colombia, Wednesday, March 30, 2005."


    PS: somebody already beat me to the "They are real... and they're spectacular" caption.