Thursday, March 31, 2005

The Nutty Professor

America-hating left-wing icon and faux-American Indian Ward Churchill speaks in San Francisco.

1. "It says, 'Check out the aging hippie liberal commie douchebag at the podium. Who does he think he's fooling with his phony American Indian act.'"

2. "It's a note from June. She says the Beaver's been acting like a 'little Eichmann' all day, and I'll have to beat his ass when I get home.'"

3. "Oh... oh... own... f-f-fish... Twuh... twuh... twoh fish... red (easy word) fish.. bluh... bluh... blooey fish."

4. "As proof that the Eichmann-Capitalist War Nexus is trying to bribe me into silence, I present this offer for 1,046 free hours of AOL... "

5. "It says, 'You idiot, the microphone is on your left. You've been talking into a leftover visual aid from the 'Womyn's Self-Satisfaction Seminar' all night, and all we can hear is bzzzzzzt.... bzzzzzzt.... bzzzzzzzt."

6. "It says, 'Get your other hand above the podium right now or prepare to be busted, Chief 'Fondles-with-Boner.'"

7. He could tell the note was from Cynthia McKinney from the way 'fellatio' was spelled with three l's.

8. "It's a coupon for a free scrotal inflation."

9. Ward never realized he would be stuck with the catering bill. "How can 150 people consume 14,000 bags of Dorito's?" he wondered.

10. "Excuse me, it seems someone has dropped their prescription for lithium, valium, zyprexa, Prozac, and adderall. Does anyone here have a prescription for lithium, valium, zyprexa, Prozac, and adderall?" Every hand in the auditorium went up.

Hat tip: Zomby. (Warning: Horrible Ickiness)

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Boyfinger Returns!

Hat tip: SondraK (once again)

1. While his lawyers are distracted by ambulance sirens, a reporter manages to get an answer to the question, "How many naked, oiled fifth-graders are in the back of your limo?"

2. "Wir haben große Aufgaben! Uns! Große kulturelle Aufgaben gegenüberzustellen! Wirtschaftsprobleme müssen gelöst werden! Keine Leute können besseren Gebrauch vom Frieden als wir bilden!

3. Michael Jackson is Jackie O asRichard Nixon in The Henry Kissinger Story.

4. "For my next illusion, I'll need two prosthetic arms. Can I get two prosthetic arms from the audience? Thank you..."

5. "... please, Tito, someone... some tissues? If I sneeze, there's a good chance my face will explode."

6. Claiming he was "more persecuted than Hitler" may have been Boyfinger's worst PR move ever, but it's really tough to choose just one.

7. "You're right, Handjob. I can see the Cub Scout Jamboree much better from up here."

8. "Hey, look at those people with the chicken hats on their heads. God, what a bunch of freaks."

9. "Yo! Hotdog man! I need two over here! And I like 'em small... really, really small."

10. Michael Jackson sees Cynthia McKinney and immediately shoots her the top secret crazy-as-a-shithouse-rat salute.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Los Pollos Locos

Ward “Little Eichmanns” Churchill recently gave a bizarre appearance at The Women’s Building in San Francisco’s Mission District to promote his book. On the Justice of Roosting Chickens Here we see Churchill’s spooky, glazed-eyed fan club, the Cult of Roosting Chickens:

1. Deep in Kentucky, a bizarre cult awaits the return of their savior, a man whom they call 'The Colonel.'

2. It doesn't take much to make a LLL happy. A chicken hat, a Sponge Bob DVD, and a few tubes of airplane glue will keep one happy all day.

3. "The chicken is crapping directly into my brain. It's bliss-s-s-s-s-s-...."

4. "Note how Dark Side of the Moon like totally synchs up with The Wizard of Oz. What is the explanation for this phenomenon?" Professor Churchill then wrote the words, "Zionists" "Karl Rove" and "McNuggets" on the blackboard.

5. "The foil lined chicken blocks the tracking device Karl Rove implanted in my tampon."

6. Ward Churchill's next lecture, entitled, "'Original Recipe' for Oppression," explained the links between Colonel Sanders, the Kennedy Assassination, and the Buffalo Bills loss in the 1994 Super Bowl.

7. In fairness, listening to a Ward Churchill lecture is probably the only way to sit around with a chicken hat on your head and not feel stupid... relatively speaking.

8. "Women's Building?" "Chicks?" Otto's confusion was understandable... as was his subsequent disappointment.

9. Later on, they turned on the electrified floor and did some dancing.

10. "Look, in grandma's mind, it's still 1954 and she's still working her summer job at 'Popeye's' So, just humor grandma, wear the hat, and if she offers to let you check out her giblets again, just tell her you have a girlfriend."

Hat tip: Zomby

Monday, March 28, 2005

The Passion of the Dean

Howard Dean makes an example of a kitten suspected of allowing itself to be petted by Republicans.

Hat tip: Alamo Nation via Van Helsing (who gave my book ten thumbs up!)

1. Off-stage, Hillary was seething with rage. "He's strangling all the best kittens himself!"

2. Howard Dean makes a play for the younger voters with his Ozzy Osbourne impression.

3. Now, that's what I call a Beautiful Atrocity!

4. "And then I'm going to bronze it, stick it on a base, and call it my "Cat-Ass-Trophy!" Even Conan O'Brien's audience was not ready for Howard Dean's edgy brand of stand-up.

5. "So, little girl, are you going to be a good democrat, or do I have to kill this little kitty!"

6. "Yo! Richard Gere! I think you dropped this!"

7. "'Last week, you said they were Democrats.' 'Yeah, but this week, their eyes opened.'" Well, Howard Dean would fix those traitorous little bastards.

8. Not even his big-eyed sad-face could save Puss 'n Boots from Howard Dean's rage.

9. Tragically, Howard Dean's statement of there being "more than one way to skin a cat" was not a metaphor for winning an electoral majority without the South.

10. Howard Dean makes a desperate play to lure Ted Nugent to the democrats.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Law and Order: Silly Captions Unit

The actual story behind this pic contained an amusing amount of detail.

1. "I admit to taking steroids to improve my little league performance." "Um, young man, are you aware that you're on trial for alcohol possession?" "Yes, are you aware that I'm a girl?"

2. "I plead 'not guilty' to the charge of sexual harassment, and I think the jury will agree, expecially the hot babe in the front row with the fabulous joybags."


4. "All right, I'm guilty of 'minor in possession' but if you guys had to live with 'do your homework' 'clean your room,' 'who stole my smokes' 'you call that a foot massage' 24-7, you'd start drinkin' too."

5. "Hey, Jack, cute ADA. you got there. You bangin' this one, or is she a lesbian, too?"

6. "Get my cousin Vinny for your lawyer, they said. He's great with 'yewts' they said..."

7. The "Sharon Stone/Basic Instinct" ploy didn't cause the expected mistrial, but the defendant did get a phone number from the babe in the pink sleeveless number.

8. "You're out of order. The whole freakin' system is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!!!"

9. "Bobby Jones, you have been tried by a jury of your peers and found guilty of eating your own boogers."

10. "O.K. I confess. But what with O.J., Robert Blake, and Mike Schaivo, I figured wife-killing was basically legal in this country."

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

So Many Hippies, So Few Bulldozers

1. Yes, apparently Lisa Loeb is still alive... and apparently it's still kind of embarassing to be seen with her.

2. "Rainbow Z ... I understand that 'soap' and 'deodorant' are 'corporate conspiracies to engorce hygienic conformity,' but if you don't meet me half way on this I'm gonna start wearing a mask... a gas mask."

3. "Well, when I was little, my dad always made me wear a mask whenever I went out in public, and I just never got over it. Hey, is there a balcony around here we could dangle off of?"

4. "O.K. Rainbow, harsh fact of life: The flatulence associated with a strict vegan diet is 'nuclear.' That's why nobody else comes within a hundred feet of you."

5. "Hey, why don't we ditch this protest, go back to my place. I'll take off the mask and show you my 'Little Eichmann.'"

Hat Tip: Kellipundit

1. "A gallon jug of generic bottled water? Dude, who's managing your trust fund?"

2. The anti-war movement was desperate for a celebrity and ultimately had to settle for Jimbo from The Simpsons.

3. "Two stems of organic grapes! A sprout sandwich with just one bite out! Half a Snickers bar! I told you socialists always leave behind the best munchies."

4. "Ricky, your pendulous man-boobs are starting to arouse me."

5. "Life ain't nuthin' but a shit sandwich... and apparently, that's all you know how to make, too."

Hat tip: New Eagle

Monday, March 21, 2005

I Call Her, "The Vagitator!," Queen of the Post-Menopausal Lesbian Hippies,

Ever wondered what Michael Moore would look like in drag? Here ya go...

1. "Out Now?... Umm, could you please go back in... at least until I'm finished eating lunch."

2. "I am woman, hear me roar... especially if there's an all-you-can-eat buffet nearby."

3. "... and when Janet Reno's yeast infection finally cleared up, that was the happiest day of my life."

4. "How many of me does it take to change a lightbulb? THAT'S NOT FUNNY!"

5. "... and the patriarchy continues to oppress feminists by surrounding us with thinly disguised phallic symbols at every turn."

6. "Come children, my gingerbread house awaits!"

7. "It's colder than one of my tits out here."

8. Going to Grandma's house just hasn't been the same since Grandma moved in with a stern tattooed biker chick named 'Aunt Butch.'

9. "So I only need three sacrifices to the Goat-Goddess to return my youth and beauty... so, volunteers? Anyone? C'mon people... eternal youth and beauty here!"

10. "..Back when I was young, we didn't have pride marches, or legal abortion, or even the right to vote,... Aw screw it, none of you are listening. Bring on the sweet release of death."

Hippies! Hippies Everywhere! They claim they want to save the world... but they really just want to smoke pot and smell bad!!

SondraK also had some worthy Hippie Moonbat pics. Where's Eric Cartman's "Hippie-Drill" when you need it?

1. Thanks for the handy target. I should be able to line up my shot perfectly.

2. So, San Francisco named a street after Norman Fell? The actor who played Mr. Roper on Three's Company? That's actually kind of cool.

3. Order Little Ceasers new "Ultimate Mushroom Pizza" delivered by a smelly naked hippie and get a FREE 2 liter Pepsi! Pizza Pizza!

4. Whenever there is trouble, "Naked Human Semi-Colon Man" will not be far away.

5. Where's Waldo? Answer, Waldo got his ass out of there the second he saw the fat ugly naked freak with the tattoos.

6. "Bummer of a birthmark, Moonbean," (Props: Merrit and Vaughan)

1. Among the side-effects of prolonged LSD abuse are idiotic politics, uncontrollable spastic movements, and hallucinations of being mocked by Fez from That 70's Show in a white disco leisure suit.

2. Should I feel bad for thinking the barefoot guy on the left is kinda hot? I'm sure he smells like the inside of a ninth-grader's gymbag that's been left in a dumpster outside a fish market for two weeks in the middle of August... but still...

3. "There's an old dude with a banjo staring at my crotch... and I like it!!"

4. Yeah, I remember my first beer.


Moronic Hippie Parade

Stoned, America-hating nitwits strut their stuff in anti-war demos this past weekend. I challenge you to find a picture of anyone dateable. Hat tip: Rayra and thanks, Thom, for finding a mirror when the links FUBARED.

1. "Thirty-seven yards... the Eject-O-Stroller is a success!"

2. "Bruce, you idiot, I told you we were supposed to have a kid in this thing. We just look like a-holes."

3. "Jeez, can't go two minutes with a visit from Dr. Schnapp's, can you. Some model for gay parenthood you are. And where the hell is our kid, anyway?"

4. "Hey, why don't we ditch the march and go to 'bar'... maybe we can have 'drink' served by 'waitress.'"

5. "You know, Bruce, it's really creepy the way someone bending over a stroller gets you horny."

6. "Uh, oh... kid's acting up again. Time to shove the pacifier up his ass."

1. "Before we start, could someone please just loosen my ponytail a little bit. I feel like I'm pulling 6 G's up here."

2. "... when I think of strap-ons, I touch myself..."

3. "By the way, the next stoner who jerks my ponytail gets his stash flushed... are you receiving me?"

1. "I'm as classy as I am beautiful."

2. Maybe the guy ahead of purple finger bitch should try starving his own war beast... or at least laying off the Doritos for a while.

3. Skeptics might say that shoving your middle finger into every plate of eggplant parmagiana in southern California was an ineffective form of protest, but Sheila figured, hey, a woman's gotta eat.

Hat tip: Darleen's Place

Sunday, March 20, 2005

And Now, A Word From My Sponsor... Me

Willis at gets in the first review of that novel I'm advertising in the space at right.

James Wittenbach's new sci-fi novel, Meridian, can be purchased here. It is the first book in a lengthy series. I recieved a copy a few days ago and after reading the first few chapters, I can honestly say it's a great read. And this is coming from someone who isn't much of a science fiction reader.

So, buy a copy for the Sci-Fi fan in your life.

And, soon, back to the captioning.

Friday, March 18, 2005

To the Hypocritmobile!!

Ass Press: “(ANWR Opponent) Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., argued that more oil would be saved if Congress enacted an energy policy focusing on conservation, more efficient cars and trucks.”

1. "So, I say to Barack Obama, 'I don't think you want to pimp my ride, bro', I don't have those gold hubcaps you people like,' and he got very snitty. Jeez, try to reach out to some people."

2. "Hello, Mr Suburban... do you know who I am?"

3. "These aren't the bitches I ordered."

4. "Sorry, Jeeves, turns out that peasant wasn't blind, just wearing sunglasses. No points."

5. Kerry justified the Chevy Suburban saying it was the only vehicle with enough storage space to hold all of TuhRayZuh's medications.

6. "Verry good, suh, and were you successful in your attempts to procure crack from Cynthia McKinney?"

7. "I love the way you hold the door for me, James. It reminds me of how superior I am to all of you wretched peasants."

8. Sooner or later, all of Kerry's drivers find detours near grassy knolls and begin to mutter "back, and to the left...back, and to the left..." with odd little smiles on their faces.

9. "Yeah, John, we know Dick Cheney's daughter is a lesbian... just drop it already and get in the damned car."

10. In my fantasy, the driver is about thirty seconds from screaming "Allah Akhbar!" and reaching for the detonator.

Hat Tip: Viking(the)Pundit

Haaaaa-rokk, ptuiee.

Okay, that would be the right caption if I were standing where Kofi is. Hat-Tip: Sondra K

1. "Aw, Raspberries! Getting it off his wrist is gonna be harder than I thought... but it's a Rolex!"

2. Kofi's eulogy was uniquely moving. "Never was I so proud to serve as another man's bitch."

3. Sometimes, too much really is too much. Case in point, the Yasser Arafat Memorial Urinal.

4. "My son's a homosexual, and I love him. I love my dead gay son."

5. "Remember how we used to play that you were the rough, brutal terrorist who took whatever he wanted and I was the naughty-but-submissive UN Secretary-General ... and then, there was our sex life."

6. You may be asking why that Palestinian flag has been so obsessively scotch-guarded. Three words: Toilet. Paper. Shortage.

7. Kofi loads up on chickpeas and chrysanthemums at the UN's "Yasser Arafat Memorial Salad Bar."

8. OK, I understand that sometimes even the best of us can't resist the urge to scratch, but unlike Kofi, we usually keep it to our own crotches.

9. Stringing an old Rolls-Royce radiator with Arafat's old Ben-wa balls was a disgusting, but somehow appropriate, shrine.

10. "Look, by manipulating his lips, I can make him appear to sing...'Mmmm Bop... Do Do Do... Mmmm Bop.'..."

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Hello, GEICO...

I don't know what the context of this was, but I was under a deadline. I was hoping to do something with the Can'tMoveOn-dot-org Rally for Obstruction yesterday, preferably something with Robert "The Grand Kleagle" Byrd (KKK-West Virginia), but I couldn't find anything.

1. "Wow. A Ford Pinto! I haven't seen one of those in ages."

2. "Whoa! I haven't seen anyone rear-ended that hard since Arafat visited my cub scout troop."

3. From the way this Iraqi Security guy is preparing to throw away his gun with no enemy in sight, I'm guessing he was trained by the French.

4. An illustration of why you should never eat more than, say, forty Taco Bell bean burritos at one time.

5. So, exactly when was the border patrol function outsourced to Nike?

6. His plan to smuggle Rosie O'Donnell into the Drive-In failed spectacularly.

7. "Dude... forget the trick shot and just blow away that insurgent muthaf*ckah! Where did you learn to hold a gun anyway?"

8. "So, you claim you were parking with your girlfriend when the rear of your car was ripped apart by an escaped maniac with a hook for a hand. Sounds kind of fishy to me."

9. "Weren't expecting an AK-47, were ya, Cujo?"

10. "So, sorry... apparently Michael Moore was told there was a stash of Ding-Dongs in your trunk."

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Pig Sticker

A Romanian man barrows a pig at a market in Calugareni.(AFP/File/Daniel Mihailescu)

1. The scary part is, this guy was only a runner up in the "Metaphor for the Marriage of Roseanne and Tom Arnold" contest.

2. It was humiliating, but Babe needed the money.

3. When the Supreme Court of Massachusetts agreed to hear their case, the celebration at PETA went on all night.

4. The sign said "Have Sex With a Pig, $5" and since most of the men were expecting Courtney Love, the truth came as a pleasant surprise.

5. "Kermit and I have an... understanding..."

6. "I thought you said we were just gonna play golf..." squealed the pig.

7. Just another Howard Stern listener party. Nothing to see here.

8. When Wilbur made the mistake of pissing Charlotte off, she wove the words "Hot Anal Action" into her next web.

9. After the wolf huffed and puffed and "blew his house down," the third little pig developed a taste for the rough stuff.

10. Roman Polanski presents Animal Farm.

Monday, March 14, 2005

The Inscrutable East

Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao gestures as he speaks at a press conference after the closing session of China's National Peoples' Congress in Beijing Monday March 14, 2005.(AP Photo/Ng Han Guan)

1. Tran recalls the only bit of description his mother was able to provide of the African-American soldier who fathered him in the early days of the Vietnam conflict.

2. The dissident's protests in favor of "one man, one vote" are stifled when the Premier pins him beneath his buttocks and farts contentedly on his face.

3. After the Premier's moving rendition of "One Is The Loneliest Number," the audience was so moved they completely forgot that the entire Falun Gong movement had been ground into soylent green.

4. "Mr. Bush, please stop shouting 'in bed' every time I pause between sentences."

5. "It is our destiny as a party and as a people, to pull on the fingers of history and unleash the winds of change."

6. "OK, now smell my finger and see if you can guess where it has been."

7. "Ah, on the one hand, it is a shampoo, but on the other, it is also a conditioner. Can you grasp this paradox, Young Grasshopper."

8. "But I ask, which is more horrible, China's philosophy of 'One Child Per Family' or America's philosophy of 'One Parent per Family.'

9. "Wait, Vice President Cheney. Do Not Leave! Not until I have drawn you. You are why Cavemen painted on walls!"

10. "And then, the old man said to me, 'Dong, Where Is My Automobile?'"

Get a Room!

1. The LPGA again denied allegations of steroid abuse and said in a statement, "Let's face it, they're just really, really butch."

2. Robert's less notorious brother, Lenny Mapplethorpe, specialized in professional golf photography.

3. "Dude! When I said 'we should work on your putts' I was not coming onto you!"

4. Ken Lay thought that rape would be the least of his worries in white-collar, country club prison. Alas, it was not to be.

5. His mistake was saying, "Hey, Phil, could you reach back there and grab my balls."

6. The real story behind Bill Clinton spraining his knee at Greg Norman's house.

7. "What do you mean 'wrong hole?'"

8. "Damn, this was so much easier with the windmill."

9. "Things really 'loosened up' around here in the 70's after the club was integrated."

10. "O-h-h-h-h-h ... Sweet mystery of life at last I've found you..."


11. Although discouraged by the organizers, Monica Lewinsky impressions were a highlight of the Clinton Golf Invitational.

Hat Tip: SondraK

Friday, March 11, 2005

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Free legal advice from a law school drop-out. If you're on trial for child molesting, it is probably a bad idea to show up in court --- on the day your accuser takes the stand --- wearing Woody Woodpecker pajamas.

1. Oh, Lord, he's going to sing "I'm a Little Teapot." I gotta get out of here before he gets to his "spout."

2. Constant high-fives to "Tinkerbell" were unhelpful to the Jackson defense.

3. Dig the bodyguard on the right. He's totally got that, "Yeah, right and Liberace just never met the right woman" look.

4. His answer to the reporter's question "I'm going to Disneyland" ironically led to the next trial.

5. "Boyfinger, your pseudo-dermis is yellowing." "Quickly, Handjob, to the laboratory."

6. "Rakeem, did I ever tell you about the time I had a nine-year-old with the body of a seven-year-old?"

7. "What a day. Just take me home to Bonerland... I mean Neverland! Neverland!"

8. Michael Jackson answers the question, "What should the age of consent in California be?"

9. Separated at birth, Michael Jackson and Skeletor.

10. "Hold on, Rakeem, I'm cooking up a big one here." Michael Jackson: Pop star, pedophile, and world-class belcher.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Don't Let the Door Hit Ya Where the Good Lord Split Ya

Dan Rather anchors his last 'CBS Evening News' broadcast

1. Courage? Frankly, Dan, you should have asked the wizard for a brain.

2. When the world gets you down, a little below-the-camera-range pocket pool makes everything better.

3. CBS News saved $1.3 Million a year by dismissing the cleaning staff and taking advantage of the "manic" phases of Dan's cycle.

4. "I'm sorry, Champ. I think I ate your chocolate squirrel."

5. "Ha! I've got Bush now! A Nigerian Prince just sent me an email saying that for $30,000 he can prove Bush was AWOL."

6. "We now go to Connie Chung being a complete bitch. Connie?" Despite the smile, the bitterness on Rather's day was palpable.

7. "Well, looks like I'm about as used up and worthless as Paris Hilton's hoo-hoo-dilly."

8. "Well, Dan this isn't a certificate of authenticity, it's a note saying 'The documents are for real' written on a napkin... in crayon... in your handwriting."

9. Rejected Ratherisms: "This election is closer than Michael Jackson and Macauley Culkin on a cold night..."

10. Meanwhile, in the control booth: "Go to seven-second delay, the make-up guy just found 'Cokie Roberts, you skanky-ass whore, what's Cheney got that I haven't got?' written on his dressing room mirror in what appears to be pig's blood."

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Free as a Bird

Martha Stewart takes a present from an unidentified security guard outside of her home in Katonah, New York, Sunday, March 6, 2005. (AP Photo/Ed Betz)

1. Martha always goes the extra mile in tasteful packaging, even if she's just leaving a burning package of dog poop on the front steps of the New York Attorney General.

2. "I don't care if it's lilac-scented, I'm not pulling your finger."

3. "Sorry, Ms Stewart. You'll need to put more postage to send this package to Katie Couric. Let's see... heavy... ticking... what is it? Like a Better Living Alarm Clock or something?"

4. "As you requested, here's a print-out of every 'decorating her prison cell' joke used by late-night comedians."

5. "No time for the old in-out today love, I'm just here to read the meter. Thanks for the gift, though."

6. Pat and Vanna were on vacation, so John Ratzenburger and Martha Stewart devised the hardest 'Wheel of Fortune' puzzle ever.*

7. "Oh, my, what a big package. And the gift is pretty nice, too."

8. "Mrs. Stewart, I've always said that if I were in a plane crash in the Andes, you're the one person I'd want there. Because, you'd know just exactly how to prepare and serve the other passengers."

9. "Eighteenth century letter-opener in a handle of hand-milled soap. It was a lovely shiv, and I'm sorry for coming up behind you like that. Could you pull it out and take me to the hospital now."

10. "Keep up the smile, package boy. Don't make me pistol-whip you like the FTD Flowers guy."

11. "I wish to God Dan Rather would stop having his Drugstore-dot-com deliveries sent here."

*Check the background.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

High-Ho, High-Ho...

Palestinian workers, ID cards in hand, line up outside the entrance to the Israeli-run industrial complex on Israel's border with northern Gaza Strip. - AP

1. And speaking of High-Hos, a similar queue can be seen outside Paris Hilton's bedroom on any given weeknight.

2. The Gaza Strip Players present The Sound of Music "Dough - in Euros, to pay off martyrs/Ray - a laser-target bomb/Me - gets blown, into tartar/Fa - Fatah! Fatah!Fatah!..."

3. Another reason to miss Arafat. His fetish for young 'hyena boys' was far less creepy than Abu Mazen's fetish for middle-aged men in liederhosen.

4. "Conga! Conga! Con-ga! Conga! Conga! Con-ga!"

5. People Unclear on the Concept: Apparently, they heard that a "domino effect" would bring democracy to the Middle East.

6. Meanwhile in Hell... The spirits of Arafat's victims line-up for their turn to shove a pineapple up his poop chute.

7. "Crucifxion? Good, door on the left, one cross each..."

8. "No! We were not dispatching a collaborator. We were... um, doing a community theater production of Shirley Jackson's 'The Lottery.' Yeah, that's it."

9. Hiking in the Palestine National Forest.

10. And when you reach the end of the universe, you'll find a Great White Void and a long line of middle aged men in lesbianic flannels and highwater pants.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Hootie and the Cold Fish

Topless Aboriginal dancers welcome Britain's Prince Charles in Australia's outback

1. "Larouche is full of crap. If my mum's the kingpin of the international drug trade, then why do I have to pop over to Brixton and buy my coke from you people?"

2. "Hey, Beavis... check this out. Uh huh-huh huh-huh huh-huh."

3. Lesser known duties of the Prince of Wales: Picking out the new Spice Girl.

4. "I say, I do believe you're holding out on me. Well, be a good sport try not to do so again. It would be dreadfully unfortunate if I should have to mess you up a bit." Why the British suck at pimping.

5. "All right, so I'm no James Bond. And you're no Octopussy. So, get over yourself, princess."

6. "Wills, Harry... Frankly, I liked you better in the Nazi outfits."

7. "Got Milk? Well, I guess I already know the answer to that..."

8. "Sorry love, I take my women like I take my coffee... cold and bitter."

9. In retrospect, letting Elton John arrange the bachelor party was probably a mistake.

10. Affirmative Action comes to 'Hooters.'

Hat Tip: Jonathan Y

Friday, March 04, 2005

I'm a sick, sick man

It's Friday. I'm burned out on politics. So, let's pick on some little girls. - Photo: Detroit News

1. "We're playing Clinton White House interns."

2. "Hey, if you look at the chart this way, things don't look so bad for the Democrats."

3. The ACLU forced Peterbrook Elementary to cancel its Easter Pageant and perform The Vagina Monologues instead.

4. "Okay, hold for five minutes then stand up fast, the headrush is unbelievable... especially if you're on shrooms."

5. "So, if the movie had been more anatomically correct, Spiderman would have shot web fluid from his ass. It would have looked something like this."

6. Roman Polanski films an erotic catfight.

7. "No thanks, babe. I prefer sausage to taco."

8. "... and that's why we're going to kill all the men."

9. "Why did Coach Dieselfrau just run into the bathroom with her back massager?"

10. "Do you have a sister... 'cos you look a lot like the girl daddy has locked in the cellar."

Thursday, March 03, 2005

You Can't Spell "Sore Loser" without "Soros"

LEFT-wing billionaire George Soros claims right-wing billionaire Richard Mellon Scaife is trying to smear him by posting an embarrassing story on the Internet. Soros is being sued for $6 million by a carpet installer who claims the investor's Labrador attacked him in 2004 when he came to work at Soros' Westchester estate.- NY Post

1. "Enough of your stalling. Bring me the Oscillation Overthruster!!" (And the captioner goes for the obscure reference on the very first caption.)


3. Even a billionaire can enjoy the free and simple pleasure of autoerotic asphyxiation.

4. Soros tried to prove Bush wrong by demonstrating that he could, in fact, find his ass with both hands, but only succeeded in humiliating himself and sparking a series of embarrassing sexual harassment suits.

5. "I'm a billionaire, dammit. If I say it's at least this big, then at least this big it is!"

6. "George Bush is Hitler! Kofi Annan is Al Jolson! And I am Hedy Lamarr! And we are all on the road to Katmandu..." The World Bank found Soros's ether-induced hallucinations highly entertaining.

7. Bea Arthur testifies in support of Government-funded estrogen for post-menopausal women.

8. "Tut! Tut! Tut! No touching during the table dance, unless you want to pony up another $20."

9. "I've got the whole world/In my hands/I've got the whole wide world..."

10. "Please, please take off these handcuffs... I don't want to go to prison, I don't want to share a cell with Michael Moore, he smells..." Ah, but you've caught me daydreaming.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Blair, Rice, and the Comfy Chairs

Britain's Prime Minister Tony Blair meets US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice for bi-lateral talks at the Supporting the Palestinian Authority (AFP/Pool/John D. McHugh)

1. "Why do you keep calling me 'Tootie' and giggling? Are you stoned?"

2. "Springer says his ratings are tanking, and when we get back from the break, instead of talking about the Middle East, he wants Condi to yell, 'You ain't my baby's daddy!' and throw a chair."

3. Blair and Rice prepare to kick Chirac and Albright's asses on Celebrity Password.

4. "Sorry, Tony, that's the very same chair Arafat's bladder finally gave out in. The UN Budgeted $30K for re-upholstering it, but the money just kind of vanished."

5. "So then I grab Chirac by the cajoles and say 'Why would you dare to f*ck with the f*ckin' Scretary of State of the last f*ckin' Superpower? What's my name, Bitch?' So, shall we talk about Syria now?"

6. "What? So you can mock my genitalia? No thank you, Madame Secretary, I will be keeping my legs crossed."

7. "... the very next week, Cokie was fired, and Cheney was never invited back on This Week again." Condi keeps Blair entertained with war stories while George Stephanopoulus berates his make-up artist for once again making him look like a 'cheap whore.'

8. "Nah, these aren't 'La-Z-Boys,' in honor of our European (snort) allies, these chairs are 'Wuss-E-Boys.'"

9. "Are you aware, Madame Secretary, that two cows were killed for those boots you were wearing?" "Yes, but I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now, I'll have to kill you."

10. "No, you may not call me 'Octopussy.'"

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Got Milk?

Indian woman Namatia Ghosh, 46, nurses her five-year-old pet monkey Babloo inside her residence in Chandrapur, India. (REUTERS/Jayanta Dey) Hat Tip: SondraK

1. In other news, Billy Bob Thornton was hit with a paternity suit today...

2. "He stinks, he bites, he throws feces all over the house ... but other than that, Michael Moore is a terrific husband. Oh, and he doesn't mind that I breast feed my pet monkey."

3. She shrugged. "I got used to this amount of body hair when I was dating Robin Williams."

4. Day Care at PETA.

5. "... and then the guy says, 'you go talk to the bus driver, I'll hold your monkey!' Thank you, I'm here all week!"

6. "However, even as the roles dried up, his penchant for aging hookers continued unabated." Marcel, the Monkey from 'Friends': The E! True Hollywood Story.

7. Worst. Ventriloquist. Act. EVER!

8. "8:00 a.m. Disinfect 'Treasure Room.' 9:00 a.m. TiVo 'Sesame Street' 10:00 a.m. Go to Liquor store for 'Jesus Juice.' 11:30 Feed Bubbles." Michael Jackson demands supreme dedication from his personal assistants.

9. The New 'In-Yer-Face' Weather Channel Graphic for describing the cold in Minnesota mixes "Witch's Tit" and "Brass Monkey" metaphors.

10. 1 March 2005: The final Eagles fan settles her SuperBowl bet.