Monday, February 28, 2005

People Who Need People

I don't watch the Oscars. I don't give a rat's ass about the Oscars. You wanna know the truth? I was watching a TiVo'd Battlestar Galactica rerun. Then I watched something on the Hitler Channel. You know, the channel with the little 'H' in the right-hand corner. That's how you know it's the Hitler Channel.

Dustin Hoffman and Barbra Streisand (news) make the Oscar presentation for best motion picture of the year during the 77th Academy Awards (AP Photo/Kevork Djansezian)

1. "Hey, Barb, you ever thought of running for the senate?"

2. "Well, maybe there is somebody who doesn't like Sara Lee, but it apparently isn't you!"

3. "Richard Gere's gonna be really pissed when he sees you in his new Donna Karan original."

4. In the unlikely event of an wardrobe malfunction... you will never get an erection again.

5. Barbra Streisand accepts her honorary Oscar for 'Bloated Spoiled Bitch We Most Wish Would Shut the Hell up!'"

6. "Oprah has a message for you. 'Leave some canapes for the rest of us.'"

7. "I hope that gown is flame-retardant. Michael Moore's backstage with a jug of Everclear, an American flag and a Bic lighter."

8. "Thanks for the offer Barbra, but I'll just stay at the hotel. At your house, I'd just be awake all night listening to you scream at Brolin about how you can dress him up but you can't take him anyplace."

9. "Pull my finger or the Oscar goes to Marisa Tomei."

10. "Michael Moore! Hey, Love the new look... Oh, it's you, Barbra."


11. "Check out what Paris Hilton is wearing. I didn't even know they made crotchless evening gowns."

Friday, February 25, 2005

Condi Inspects the Troops

Anyone else thinking of that scene in "History of the World, Part I?" -- (Photo Hat Tip: BlasterBlog)

1. The soldier accused of stealing Condi Rice's handbag was released when Mme. Secretary failed to pick him out in a line-up." (Hat Tip: Miss M)

2. Meanwhile, a few miles away, Paris Hilton is greeting an equally large contingent of sailors...

3. "The SecState is looking resplendent...that means beautiful and sexy YOU TURDS! ... in a full length black coat and matching leather "Fuck Me" boots by Barracho of Mexico City. Hooo-RAH!" R Lee Ermey hosts the VH-1 Fashion Awards.

4. Those boots are nothing. You should see what she wears when she gives Rumsfeld his weekly spanking.

5. Loony Left Guest Caption: "condiliar rice saluts the midjit hitler while visiting the occupying torturrers and shes wearing torture boots for stomping on detanees while torturring them. also, i hate myself and i want to die."

6. Damn! Looks like somebody pulled her finger right off.

7. Condi approaches the board, lines up, and does a perfect half gainer into the pool... while wearing the boots.

8. "Very good... now, Simon says, 'Invade Syria.'"

9. Yeah, but they really went nuts a few minutes later when Rumsfeld came out in a kicky strapless cocktail dress and buttless leather chaps.

10. It took every measure of restraint for Private Schuman not to point out how under-accessorized Condi was, and not to ask where she got the boots and if they came in his size. His force of will prevailed, but a little part of him died that day.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Brains! Brains!

That's right, it's "Hideous Visage Week" at Caption This!

Pop star Michael Jackson acknowledges screaming fans as he departs the Santa Barbara County courthouse Tuesday, Feb. 22, 2005, in Santa Maria, Calif. (AP Photo/Ric Francis)

1. Horrendous casting choices doomed The Dukes of Hazzard movie from the get-go.

2. "Carbon monoxide! Must...reach...utility...belt..."

3. "Yo baby! Yo baby! Mm, dat's right! Shake it, don't break it! ... Shit, playground monitor's coming. Gun it!"

4. Witnesses accounts varied wildly as to whether the drive by shooter was black or white, male or female, and for that reason Tupac's killer was never caught

5. "The muffler's a little leaky, Boyfinger, try to breathe through your mouth." "As if I had a choice, Handjob."

6. "I said DOUBLE WHOPPER... NO PICKLES ... NO TOMATOES ... LARGE FRIES ...DIET COKE ... and that delicious young boy working the shake machine ... to go please."

7. "What! You mean boys' underwear isn't really half-off? Damn you, K-mart. Damn you to Hell!"

8. The Border Agents were impressed. "We haven't seen anyone that enthusiastic about a body cavity search since Richard Gere came through on his way to Tijuana."

9. "Wait! Stop! Pull over! That belt! I must have it."

10. Technically, driving while hanging out the window of a moving car is against the law, but then again, so is child molesting.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Who Are You Trying to Kid, Chuck?

Britain's Prince Charles and his longtime companion Camilla Parker Bowles, seen here in 2002, are to marry.(AFP/Pool/File/David Cheskin)

1. "She does have huge tracts of open land."

2. "By the way, love, if anything should happen to me after we're married, stay away from John Kerry."

3. "By the way, I'll be meeting my droogs at the milk bar later on for a night of ultraviolence. Don't wait up." "Yes, Camilla."

4. "Marriage to Camilla has made me the happiest inbred, dim-witted, tax-parasite outside of Saudi Arabia. When she agreed to wed me, I was so overjoyed, I very nearly had a facial expression."

5. "Yo! Kobe! Over here! I'm open man!"

6. Charles makes a long distance guesstimate of the size of Hillary's ass.

7. "'He's got the who-o-le world (clap) in his hands, he's got the whole wide world...' Come on, sing along, are you people uptight or something?"

8. "And then Homer says, 'Why you little...' and grips Bart's throat like so. It is the funniest damned thing I've ever seen."

9. "And then, after prying the horse's buttocks apart, she plunges right in, right on up to the elbow. And I knew this woman would love me in a way Diana never could."

10. "Honeymoon in Paris? I should think not. The traffic is horrendous there... especially if it's late at night and your brakes have been sabotaged and your driver's cocktail was drugged... a propos of nothing."

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Arrrgh! My Eyes!

Senators Hillary Rodham DeGeneres (PMS-New York) and John McCain (D-Media)

1. Where the HELL is PELOSI with our BOTOX?

2. We were up all night doing tequila slammers with Ted Kennedy. What's your excuse?

3. "You know Hill, I just couldn't get out of bed if I didn't see your sweet ass every morning."

4. McCain rolled over in bed and thought, "Oh, God... what did I drink, smoke, snort, and/or inject last night to end up with that?"

5. "Hey, as long as we can haul our asses to the senate, we do NOT have a drinking problem!"

6. "So, John, do you ever feel any resentment that while you were in the Hanoi Hilton getting bamboo shoved under your fingernails, my husband and I were getting stoned, engaging in anonymous sex with multiple partners in a consequence-free environment, and protesting to end the war and make your entire experience meaningless and futile? John?... John?"

7. "Did somebody open the Ark of the Convenant?"

8. "Every night, same old story... I promise myself that this time, I'm only going to cruise the chat rooms a few minutes before bed... next thing I know, it's morning."

9. "Hey, we were up all night trying to talk Barbara Boxer down from the roof of the Capitol, where she was howling at the moon wearing and nothing but aluminum foil. What's your excuse?"

10. "We made the mistake of looking directly at Senator Mikulski."

Update Villainous Company posts some even better captions and calls me "snarky."

Okay, Maybe Just A Little More

Continuing our tribute to the women of the U.S. Senate.
After casting her vote concerning an amendment to the education bill, Sen. Blanche Lincoln (D-AR) runs off the Senate floor to keep an appointment. --

I have no idea who the cross-dressing she-male on the right is.

1. "... In her satin tights/Fighting for her rights/ And the old red white and blue-oo-oo-oo!"

2. "Trent Lott's dressed as Aunt Bea from Mayberry and singing "It's Rainin' Men?" This I gots to see."

3. "I Must! I Must! I Must increase my bust!"

4. "It's Hillary's time of the month!! Run! Run for your lives!"

5. Sad: Robert Byrd never getting tired of the old 'Ex-Lax brownies' joke. Even sadder: Falling for it 73 times in a row.

6. Far be it for me to imply that she is, in any way, unattractive... but she is chasing a tiny chuck wagon into a kitchen cupboard.

7. "They finished translating Hillary's book To Serve Man... it's a cookbook! Warn the people!"

8. "My spidey sense tells me there's a finger pulling contest going on somewhere in these chambers."

9. "I don't know but I been told... Boxer's boobs are mighty old... SOUND OFF!"

10. The tradional "Running of the Transvestites" marks the beginning of Spring in Washington.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Where the (Hyena) Boys Are

Zakaria Zubeida (L), local head of the Al-Aqsa martyrs brigades welcomes a Palestinan prisoner after he was released from an Israeli prison during celebrations for the release of Palestinian prisoners in the northern West Bank city of Jenin (AFP/Gali Tibbon)

1.When gay marriage is legalized in the state of Texas, I expect it will look pretty much like this. .

2.“Feel those abs! Rock hard, baby. Bulimia rocks.”

3.“So, what was it like being a prison bitch. Spare no detail!

4.“Oh, honey, we should celebrate. Know any good restaurants we could blow up?”

5.“We are Here! We are homosexuals! Become accustomed to it!" It's really sad when you can't get a simple chant right.

6.“So, the Parole Board let you out even though you promised to keep killing until you had enough human skulls to build a pyramid that would rival Giza? God, I love Massachusetts!”

7."And then he took me again, his musky smell was overpowering, like a chain-smoking, diseased ape with halitosis. I let out a small gasp as he penetrated me. It was beautiful (Sigh) We’ll never have another Chairman like that again."

8.“The ascot’s a good start, but you’re going to need bell-bottoms and peroxide if you’re ever going to bring my ‘Fred from Scooby-Doo’ fantasy to life.”

9.‘Ow to speak Palestinian: “Overcompensating.”

10.“Actually, ‘May I push in your stool,’ is a lousy pick-up line, but you do have a fabulous ass.”

Friday, February 18, 2005

Reconsidering the 19th Amendment, Part 5 of 5?

Continuing our tribute to the women of the U.S. Senate. All photos are ripped off from this selection of photographs of female members of the United States senate by Documentary photographer Melina Mara. Today: Senator Blanche Lincoln (D-Arkansas) points at the weiner of an unidentified gentleman.

1. "Whore!" "Skank!"

2. After the Condaleezza Rice and Alberto Gonzales confirmation hearings, a "pull my finger" contest actually raises the level of intellectual debate in the Democratic party.

3. "Rock smashes pencil. OK, we'll legalize pot."

4. "You think I got a deathwish or something? You tell Hillary to get her ass out of the bathroom."

5. Blanche Lincoln points out that Trent Lott's fly is open. Trent Lott points out that Blanche Lincoln is a dirty, dirty whore.

6."You'd be surprised at how many women really will pull my finger."

7. "No, I won't let you draw me in the nude. You'll have to keep your panties on."

8. "Now, I know you're a feminist, and I think that's just adorable... but now the men want to talk about grown-up things."

9. "I don't know what Zell Miller was on about. Spitballs make awesome weapons."

10. "Can't tonight, love. The ife-way is at the otel-hay. But I will take you on that enema next time I'm in town."

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Reconsidering the 19th Amendment, Part 4 of 5

Continuing our tribute to the women of the U.S. Senate. All photos are ripped off from this selection of photographs of female members of the United States senate by Documentary photographer Melina Mara. Today: Senator Barbara Boxer (PMS-California) and legendary blowhard Senator Joe Biden (D-That Really Small State that makes people say, 'that's a state?').

1. "Barbara Mikulski thinks you're hot. Purple Monkey Dishwasher."

2. "Hillary pees standing up. Pass it on."

3. "The tests came back positive. The burning sensation wasn't from bad tequila after all."

4. "I know this may be an awkward time, but, well, we held a caucus on which one of us will confront you about your B.O. problem and I drew short straw..."

5. "Uh, that's a microphone you're feeling up. I'm over here!"

6. "Can I buy pot from you?"

7. "Ladies room. 10 minutes. Hillary will guard the door. Oh, and Kennedy will give you $200 if he can watch."

8. "I'm sorry, Senator Biden, but some troll was bitching that we had to include an ugly man in here. Apparently, it missed the whole 'Sorry Everybody' series."

9. "Kennedy wants you to ask Alberto Gonzales if Senators are exempted from drunk driving laws, Hillary wants you to ask him if he'll be investigating any shady cattle futures deals, and Robert Byrd wants to know if he'll put on a sombrero and run around really fast like his cousin 'Speedy.'"

10. "It's called 'Bean-O' senator, and it's not expensive."

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Reconsidering the 19th Amendment, Part 3 of 5

Continuing our tribute to the women of the U.S. Senate. All photos are ripped off from this selection of photographs of female members of the United States senate by Documentary photographer Melina Mara. Today: Senator Susan Collins (RINO-Maine) and Sen. Chuck Schumer (D - New York).

1. "... and when I rolled over in bed, there was a huge wet spot..."

2. Chuck Schumer's attempt to cover the fact that he was staring at her tits, like everything democrat, ultimately just made the situation worse.

3. Unfortunately, Chuck's make-up artist was sick that day, and this was the only way to cover up the three 6's on his forehead.

4. By the time a stunned Charles Schumer recovered from her back-hand bitch-slap, Susan Collins had passed her bill naming Stephen King 'Poet Laureate of the U.S. Senate.'

5. "Forgive my colleague, he was in a late 'legislative session' with senator Kennedy, and has 'one bitch of a hangover.'"

6. "Damn it, she was supposed to say some Puerto Rican guy hijacked the minivan with the kids in it. Stupid bitch, we are so boned!"

7. Hillary's bowel movements are so powerful, they actually alter the humidity inside the capitol dome.

8. Most men have the same response when a woman describes an episiotomy.

9. "... and now the results of the voting on Hillary's nickname, 'Iron Dingbat,' 49 votes, 'Lickbeard the Pirate,' 49 votes... looks like you cast the tie-breaker, Senator Schumer. No pressure."

10. Susan Collins got even with Charles Schumer by introducing him at the "NOW" convention as "the man who invented spiked heels and single-handedly got Ellen cancelled."

Monday, February 14, 2005

Rethinking the 19th Amendment, Part 2 of 5

Continuing this silly blog's tribute to the women of the U.S. Senate. All photos are ripped off from this selection of photographs of female members of the United States senate by Documentary photographer Melina Mara. Today: Senator Mary Landrieu (D-Louisiana) in the crapper.

1. Peeee-yew, Note to self, do not use Senate Ladies Room after Hillary makes a "run for the border."

2. "Touched a commoner. Touched a commoner. Must scrub. Scrub! Scrub! Scrub! Never be clean again."

3. "The toilet's clogged and the seat's covered with stems and seeds. Barbara Boxer must have tried to flush her stash again."

4. Landrieu suddenly notices that Hillary doesn't cast a reflection!

5. "What the Hell does Barney Frank know about make-up anyway?"

6. "Mikulski's coming! Better hurry up. You don't want to get hit with shrapnel when that thing shatters into a million bits."

7. Landrieu suddenly notices that Hillary stands when she pees.

8. "Well, I'll be damned. The swelling does go down if you put some ice on it."

9. Landrieu suddenly notices Ted Kennedy ducking into a stall with a mirror and a camcorder.

10. "It's amazing how much more mirror-availability there is now that John Edwards is gone."

Rethinking the 19th Amendment, Part 1 of 5

By popular request, this week is devoted to giving proper respects to the women of the U.S. Senate. All photos are ripped off from this selection of photographs of female members of the United States senate by Documentary photographer Melina Mara.

1. Separated at Birth: Senator Barbara Mikulski (D-Maryland), and The Lord of the Flies.

2. "Four legs good! Two legs better!Four legs good! Two legs better!"

3. "When shall we three meet again / In thunder, lightning, or in rain?"

4. "Look at the sagging pair of tits on that," Hillary thought.

5. It's disquieting at first, but eventually new senators get used to Senator Mikulski snapping flies out of the air with her tongue.

6. Maybe the Taliban were onto something.

7. I'm not saying Mikulski's ugly, but Dian Fossey is hiding in the bushes taking notes.

8. "Someone's coming! Quick! Hand Hillary our one eyeball."

9. The All New PC Charlie's Angels was doomed to failure since the angels undercover opportunities were limited to Burn Units and Lesbian Motorcycle Clubs.

10. "Hillary, you're levitating. Have you been laying with the Horned One again?"

11. The sequel to The Witches of Eastwick was fraught with technical difficulties. Cher and Michelle Pfeiffer required extreme soft focus, and Susan Sarandon insisted on 'No Make-Up.'

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Lazy Dog-Danglin' Day

Aaron Rickle, 10, and canine companion Soxx, a nine-month-old female mix, take a rather rambunctious stroll. Sentinel-Standard/Brandon Lacic

1. Throwing raw meat in front of a seeing eye dog is cruel, but when he's leading a kid... BONUS POINTS!!

2. This is the second time in a month 'Caption This!' has featured a black b**ch.

3. "I warned you I was the Anti-Christ, but NO-O-O-O-O, you had to go and piss off my demonic hellhound-protector."

4. "On second thought, maybe burying him in 'Pet Sematary' wasn't such a great idea.

5. "Timmy's in trouble? Well, screw Timmy, I'm freezin' my ass off out here."

6. "Hey! Chill out! I was kidding about slicing you open and huddling in your carcass for warmth. Sheesh!"

7. I think there's a 'Korean Soul Food' caption in here somewhere.

8. "Oh yeah, 'it looks like the dog's walking me' ha-ha-ha, very funny... the next person who favors me with that witticism is going to see what his own intestines look like."

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Cats of War

1. "You look stressed, boy," Sarge said. "Why don't you go out and get yourself some pussy."

2. Sure, three Marines were dead, but because he was so damned 'pettable,' Toonces was forgiven for flipping the Humvee.

3. "... and sorry for shoving you down that guy's pants at Abu Ghraib. That was a terrible thing to do to a cat."

4. "And for crapping in that CNN reporter's shoes, the lieutenant's putting you in for a medal."

5. Private Peterson lines up the punt.

6. "Hey, You! Yeah, You! The fat ugly Doberman who thinks it's funny chasing me up a tree. Why don't you bring your ugly ass over here and try to chase me today. That's right, bitch!"

7. "So, you're the new Human Resources officer. I have a bad feeling about this." - HINT

8. "But why should I frag the lieutenant?" Private Berkowitz asked.

9. "Wow, when you purr, it sounds just exactly like an insurgent terrorist choking to death on his own blood."

10. "So, explain to me again how you got away from the Schrodinger guy?"

Hat Tip: Photos that Never Make the News

Not that there's anything wrong with that

Dudes, the whole collection is worth looking over. I was in tears laughing. - Hat tip: I am Bored

1. "Impressive. Most impressive. Obi-Wan has taught you well."

2. Later that night, Andrew Sullivan was able to cross another fantasy off his list.

3. The Empire apparently had its own Abu Ghraib scandal.

4. Just proves my point, the World Series was a fluke and the Red Sox still suck.

5. George Lucas would come to regret hiring Gus van Sant to direct Episode III. (Yeah, yeah, I know... obscure reference.)

6. So, that's what "nerf-herder" means.

7. "Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm?"

8. More Censored Superbowl Commercials: This spot for Mountain Dew Pitch Black featured the slogan, "Taste the Dark Side."

9. He remembered to turn his hat around. This is obviously NOT his first time.

10. Every once in a while, Lord Vader would pull the Imperial Star Destroyer into an Intergalactic Rest Area for "Hot Trucker Action."

11. Lord Vader's feigned interest in baseball was revealed to be a fraud when he identified the guy servicing him as 'Manny Ortiz.'

P.S. I will probably be revisting the "Hags of the U.S. Senate" Exhibit sometime soon.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Killjoy was here

This photo comes courtesy of a selection of photographs of female members of the United States senate by Documentary photographer Melina Mara. If you value your heterosexuality, do not follow the link. (How did all the ugly in the world end up on Senator Mikulski anyway?)

1. Twilight Zone Episode 421: "The Iron Dingbat," a United States senator becomes possessed by the spirit of a prairie dog, and is eventually run over by the drunken senior senator from Massachusetts.

2. After working with Bill for so many years, Hillary just assumed that "on your knees" was the natural position for a woman to work behind a desk.

3. The Senate "Gaydar Drone" closes in on its target.

4. They used to laugh at Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist's claim of "hypnotic powers," but now every time Hillary hears the word "filibuster," she squats and pees.

5. Hill intimidated the other senators by hanging her "PowerVibe MegaPenetrator 6000 Turbo" on the wall behind her desk.

6. "... the junior senator from New York has requested a one hour recess so she doesn't miss Xena: Warrior Princess. Are there any objections?"

7. "Hold on, Barbara... Hey, we're in the balcony trying to make out; can we have a little privacy here?"

8. Bombed out of her skull on lemon-scented Pledge, Hillary casts an enthusiastic 'aye' vote in favor of making March National "Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs" month.

9. I'm imagining that there's a guy holding up Hillary's head on a stick in a sort of macabre puppet show... and I'm lovin' it!

10. Under a historic compromise, judicial filibusters are replaced by winner-take-all games of hide-and-seek.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Spiritus Condi

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice points as she addresses a news conference with German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder in Berlin. - Reuters, Arn Weigmann.

1. "Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Stayin' Alive! Stayin' Alive!"

2. "The Eagle Spirit is hungry and demands a feast of souls, you say? What a quaint superstition."

3. "Can I have my other arm back?"

4. "I banish thee, foul demon! Hell take you! In the names of the dark, ancient ones. Tsathoggua, Nug, Yeb, Cthulhu!"

5. Condi mockingly holds her finger too high for Vladimir Putin to pull.

6. "Take a good look, Euro-pussies. I picked it just for you."

7. "You want me to do 'Stop! In the Name of Love?' I got a better idea. Why don't you come up here and I'll do 'Stomp your punk ass in the name of the United F**kin' States of America, bitch!' Dat's right! Dat's right!"

8. "And, I'd like to give a shout out to Senator Clinton for polishing this podium to a Cylon-like shine. Well, done, Hill, I hope they never find a cure for OCD."

9. "Pinky dick! Pinky dick! Kerry's got a pinky dick!"

10. "Prime Minister Chirac, pull your pants up and stop urinating on that wall right this instant! This isn't Paris!"

Bag Ladies

Veiled Jordanian women surf the web at an internet cafe. A budding romance between a Jordanian man and woman turned into an ugly public divorce when the couple found out that they were in fact man and wife, state media reported.(AFP/File/Jamal Nasrallah)

1. IBM announced today that it was outsourcing another 14,000 jobs to the Jawa people of the planet 'Tatooine.'

2. Simple Life V: Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are sold off to a Saudi oil tick. Ratings skyrocket with the promise of daily honor-whippings.

3. "I think the caption is meant to imply that Condaleezza Rice is making an unflattering comment about Senator Kerry's genitals." "Someone's obsessed."

4. "Dear Fox Network, We object to the portrayal of Muslims as terrorists in your series '24.' This is an inaccurate stereotype. If you do not cease at once, we will car bomb your studios and behead Kiefer Sutherland. Sincerely..."

5. "Oh, dear. I have just been reviewing the Imam's bookmarks and I think sending him camping with the young boys choir may have been a HUGE mistake."

6. "well, that's it... we have examined every image on Cliff Yablonski's Web Site and have yet to find anything as hideous as Hanan Ashrawi.

7. "Okay, now Google 'Scott Baio' 'Wesley Snipes' 'naked' and 'low-hangers.'"

8. "HAIL OVERLORD GRORX. The Earthlings suspect nothing. Our disguises have enabled us to blend perfectly into human society and we have both secured employment as human rights observers with their United Nations."

9. "I wish those cheap bastards would turn up the heat in this place."

10. Fatima and Sofi had moved half the oil tick's fortune to a bank in Switzerland and were already halfway to Monaco. Boy, won't the shiekh be surprised when he unwraps the burqa's and finds two heavily sedated goats wrapped in duct tape? Surprised, but not necessarily disappointed.

11*. "Morning, 'kelly.'" "Morning, 'Gordon.'"

* A bonus caption that nobody who doesn't frequent LGF is going to get.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Oh no, Not Again

I know nobody else likes the little slice o' life pics with geezers and little kids, but I've got a soft spot for 'em. Hey, it's a free blog and you get what you pay for.

1. Billy has a cottage business following Senator Kennedy around and collecting his empties. Last year, he made over $130,000.

2. "No time for the old in-out, love, I've just come to read the meter."

3. "Hey, Billy, bitchin' new ride. How come I never get invited to the Neverland Ranch?"

4. "Oh, I hope I'm not late for my meeting of the George Will fan club."

5. "Watch out, Aslan! The White Witch has a shiv!"

6. As yet another horrific snowman tableau took shape, Billy was horrified, sickened, but unable to turn away. "That Calvin is one psychotic bastard," he thought.

7. Billy was nervous as he prepared to confront the bullies, but the words of McGruff the Crime Dog stuck in his ear. "Just say to them, 'I've got five dollars for each of you,' then put a .38 slug in every one of their sorry bitch asses.'"

8. Heavy medication kept Billy's ADHD under control. Unfortunately, no one anticipated the side-effects. Here's a picture of Billy twelve years later.

9. Billy knew that every morning at exactly 9:15 a.m., 17-year-old Monica Peterson would stand in front of her bedroom window stark naked.

10. Billy would attack from the front, then when their quarry was down, Tyler and Jeff would strike from the sides, exactly like the velociraptors on the Discovery Channel. Mrs. McNamara was in for a big surprise when she got back from cashing her social security check.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

More of that Precious, High-Octane Nightmare Fuel

1. "I always dreamed I'd be in your manly arms when World War III started." "Me too, John."

2. "Fool! Clinton would have had my bra undone moments ago." "Don't flatter yourself, girlfriend."

3. "This may take a few minutes, if you have a large 'blog.'" "Oh, yeah, baby, my 'blog' is huge." "Condi says otherwise."

4. "Unfortunately, the son-of-a-bitch doctor screwed up my botox and vi@gr@ injections. On the plus side, though, my penis has never looked smoother."

5. Just why exactly is her widow's peak bigger than his?

6. "What is it with these young kids today and their music, and their baggy pants, and their private Social Security accounts?"

7. "Tell me again how you're going to ravish me!!" "In a manner reminiscent of Jenjis Khan, my dear!!" "Oh, yes, yes!!"

8. "Hey, are those real?" "My breasts?" "No, your teeth."

9. "I'll take 'Unintenional Irony' for $400, Alex." "And ... it's a visual Daily Double. The Answer is: The Leading Man and The Leading Lady of the Congressional Democrats strike a pose reminiscent of Leo di Caprio and Kate Winslet in this movie."

10. "Eat your heart out Bush and Lieberman."

Hat tip - Cassandra at 'Villainous Company' - a blog that I am sure gets lots of hits from lefties who think it's about Halliburton.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

All Hail Prime Minister Babylips

Onlookers cheered as 42-year-old Jean Peterson came out of a crowd, put her arms around the prime minister and kissed him on the lips as he visited a community scheme in Manchester.Miss Peterson said: "He's got lips like a baby, they're very soft," reports BBC online. - Ananova

"Community scheme?" Sounds like either a democrat vote fraud operation or one of Jesse Jackson's shakedowns.

1. Eat your heart out, Condi, you bitter wench. It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean.

2. "Good Lord, Prince Harry... Homo-erotic Afro-drag? Are you determined to offend everybody in the English-speaking world?"

3. "Yea! baby! Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later?"

4. "Don't try to work your feminine wiles on me, Octopussy!! I will stop Boyfinger!!"

5. "Careful, love, I wouldn't want to get any of those jungle germs you people carry."

6. "She said something that I couldn't believe/So I grabbed the stupid b*tch by her nappy-ass weave..." Thanks to CJ for knowing the lyrics

7. "Who's the white head-of-state/That's a sex-machine with every mate." "BLAIR!" "Damn Right."

8. "I don't care if you are the Prime Minister, it's still 40 quid, love."

9. "Hm! Clinton would have had my bra undone half a minute ago."

10. "I shall call you, Ebonia, the Nubian Love Goddess."

"They say that cat Blair's a bad mother..."
"Shut you mouth"
"But I'm talking about Blair."
"And we can dig it"

Those Bastards!!

The challenge to this pic will be to come up with stuff that hasn't been said already, e.g. Dan Rather vouchsafing the accuracy of the photo.


1. "I don't know what's going on here, but whatever it is... it's F**KED UP!"*

2. "My boss said he didn't like my personality. That's okay, I got nine more."

3. The good news is, Stargate SG-1 can afford to pay Michael Shanks for another season. The bad news, the special effects, costumes, and props are going to be really crappy.

4. "All right, dude, we take it back, you're not a fag, just put the mouse down."

5. "Take the damn Watchtower or I grease Fievel."

6. "Still warm and sticky. Damn! It looks like Boyfinger was one step ahead of us."

7. "I want to talk to the Massachusetts Supreme Court and I want to talk to them RIGHT! FUCKING! NOW!"

8. "His name only used to be Fievel. Then, I ran out of toilet paper. Now, his name is 'Pooh.'"

9. "Technically, this isn't really bestiality."

10. Fievel should have known that restraining order was no damn good.

* Not a caption so much as CJ's reaction when he saw the picture.