Monday, January 31, 2005

100% pure nightmare fuel

1. "Oh... and for God's sake, if you need a potty break, do not say 'I need to go to the little boys' room.'"

2. "Oddjob, take Mr. Bond to the llama pen." "Yes, Boyfinger."

3. Hey, if your best friend was a feces-throwing chimp named 'Bubbles,' you'd want an umbrella at all times, too.

4. The Peterson's new lawn jockey creeps me out.

5. Somewhere, an emaciated French clown is missing a suit.

6. And the moral of this picture is, never fall asleep with your nose on a derm abrasion wheel.

7. So, apparently, Boyfinger asked his plastic surgeon for Kirstie Alley's hair, Keri Strug's body, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial's eyes, and GI Cody's genitalia.

8. "What do you expect me to do, Boyfinger? Talk?" "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to take a seven figure settlement to keep your mouth shut, like the others."

9. Among the incriminating evidence, a stack of letter to Highlights Forum.

10. His surgeon warned Boyfinger that his face was subject to spontaneous combustion if it were ever exposed to direct sunlight.

Mob Scenes, Part Drei

Strangely, just a few steps from all the fracas, a group of Muslim mothers and young children were spending the afternoon in the Civic Center playground.

-- Tip of Hat to Zombie.

1. "Look! I see someone... Hey! Hey! Over here! ... We're trapped in this... Oh, he's walking away."

2. "Which one of you shapeless black blobs is my mommy?"

3. "Mommee! We're trying to play jihad, but Ahmed keeps yelling 'Aloha Snackbar!' instead of 'Allahu Akbar!' when he pretend 'martyrs' himself!"

4. "Why do the goats in this petting zoo always run away from us."

5. "Give it up, Raheem. Condi takes her men like she takes her coffee... hot, black, and extra large."

6. "You win this time, sis, but when mom's not looking, you are so honor raped."

7. "Tear down this fence, you Zionist oppressors!! You cannot keep us in captivity forever!! One day, we will rise up!! And the streets of this city will run red with...Oh, there's a gate. Never mind."

8. "Mommy, Akeem wants us all to call him 'Loretta.' Do we have to?"

9. "Sorry kids, but if you want to watch the Michael Jackson trial, you have to stay in the protective cage. It's really for the best."

10. Nothing could be worse than this strict Islamic upbringing, thought Ramel. I'm going to stand here, look cute, and the first stranger who offers me candy to get in his car, I am so-o-o-o-o-o out of here.

Mob Scene, Part Deux

One of the protesters instigated a heated discussion after declaring that both sides were equally to blame in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Before long he was sputtering about Israel's illegitimacy, and his true face of hatred was exposed.
-- Tip of Hat to Zombie.

1. One Stooges eye-poke later, the anti-Semite was rolled into a fetal position and crying like a little girl.

2. "I know you have Elephant Ears back there! Give them to me!"

3. "Red Rover, Red Rover, send Pat Buchanan right over" Anti-Semite playground games.

4. "Packers!! Woooooooooo!! Packers!!!"

5. "No cutting in line, sir. Everyone will get their fair chance to whack that groundhog."

6. "Pssst, Hey... don't piss off Dr. David Banner... you wouldn't like him when he's pissed off."

7. A calm, enlightened liberal explains how right-wingers are all a bunch of angry, out-of-control, stupid white men.

8. Onlookers chants of "Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!" did nothing to help the situation.

9. We've switch this diabetic man's usual insulin with a potent mix of anabolic steroids and PCP. Let's see if he notices.

10. San Francisco: Home of the hormonal, rugby-playing, crewcut, butch lesbian.

Mob Scene, Part I

LGF Reader Zombie. took these pictures in San Francisco, as Pro-Palestinian Activists protested the display of a bus carcass destroyed by a suicide terror-bomber.

Radio talk show host Jeff Katz (seen here on the left, interviewing a San Francisco Voice for Israel spokesman) broadcast live from the Bus 19 Anti-Terrorism Rally in San Francisco, on January 17, 2005.

1. "And we have yet another request from Senator Barbara Boxer for 'MacArthur Park'... uh, Senator Boxer, number 1, only complete idiots like that song, and number 2. this is a talk station."

2. "... and our call-in topic for today, nymphomaniacs with a thing for goatees. If you are a nymphomaniac with a goatee fetish... call 1-866-55-TALK...or better yet, why not come down to the station... "

3. "... and we're going to keep playing 'You Light Up My Life' over and over until chaos rules throughout the city."

4. "I don't know what Condi's talking about. I've seen Cheney's... it's a freakin' monster."

5. "We were hoping to interview Senator Kennedy during this segment, but he fell off the chair five minutes ago and is currently passed out under our control console."

6. "... and then Dr. Ruth said to me, 'You do vat? Zat's sick!!... the next day, Howard Stern gave me my first job in radio."

7. "We play 'I Got You Babe' every day at 6:00 a.m. just to freak out Bill Murray."

8. "As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."

9. "... a third homeless drunk has just passed out in front of our booth, so now we have an official new record for largest 'Air America' audience."

10. "... and our next contestant on 'Blackmail Radio' is a prominent politician, a member of the California Congressional Delegation, and tell the audience what he have on this man... or woman." "Well, Bob, it's video, it involves Girl Scouts, two Labrador retrievers, and a pumpkin,... we'll start the bidding at $300,000."

Giving Terror (and the Left) the Finger

If it's any consolation, I'm pretty sure I'm getting a few more millennia in Purgatory for captioning this.

1. Either she just voted, or she just gave Grimace a colo-rectal exam.

2. Uh, no thanks grandma, I'm just not in the mood for grape Kool-Aid right now.

3. So, how was your date with Prince?

4. Unrecognizable under his basbushka and glasses, Little Jack Horner makes his getaway.

5. Mom, I'm sorry... it wasn't the Vikings' year. Now, go wash your finger and give up the hunger strike.

6. All right, you win the two bucks. How about I set the blender on "liquefy" and we go double or nothing?

7. Another sign your manicurist may be epileptic.

8. "Listen, infidel, you are one Condi Rice/Penis joke away from me getting insurgent on your ass."

9. "... and then I plunged this finger into Barney's chest, pulled out his still beating heart, and showed it to him before he died."

10. "This is a glorious day in my country's history, and a powerful statement on the transfomational power of freedom, hard-fought and hard-won, against all odds establishing a nascent democracy in the harsh desert sands of ... Aw, Hell, he's just going to type 'pull my finger' under this picture anyway."

Thursday, January 27, 2005

The Old Man and the Condi Rice Penis Jokes

1. I wonder if Condi knows about shrinkage.

2. Apparently, Hell has just gotten word that the guy who played 'Lowell' on Wings was nominated for an Oscar.

3. "Oh, damn, looks like they're just not biting. Guess I'll go home, shower, and take the Mrs. out to the wife-swapping leather orgy."

4. Zamboni drivers were hit hardest by the NHL Lockout. (Thank you, Miss M.)

5. Even Ice fisherman support Free Ukrainian Elections

6. "Damn! How long can Louise be with one 'customer?' I'm freezing my nuts off out here!

7. "There. It's done. By the time they find the body, I'll be in Puerta Vallerta, eatin' tangerines off the breasts of a supple young Mexican hooker."

8. "I'd rather be moshing."

9. "I don't care what the g--damned Community Association says, snow men should be anatomically correct."

10. "Sorry, Bob... shoulda warned ya the ice was a little thin there."


I'm trying gauge by virtue of responses what works and what doesn't work captioning-wise. Observations:

1. Bush, Ted Kennedy, Kerry, Boxer and Condi popular. Ahnuld, somewhat less popular. Cynthia McKinney--- not popular.

2. Kids ice-fishing, playing football, or driving cars, not popular.

3. Pictures with chickens, popular. Pictures of Hillary, not popular.

4. People are tired of looking at pathetic, left-wing losers.

5. Pictures suggesting the complete annhilation of France, very popular.

Any other comments, vis-a-vis, what works and what doesn't?

Just In Case You Were Getting Tired of Condi/Penis Jokes

Hat Tip - Sondra K

1. Under HillaryCare, gynecological exams will be free, but of poor quality.

2. "You girls don't understand. When I said I was a 'cunning linguist' I mean I spoke 9 languages."

3. Six of Dr. Evil's fembots received their 20,000 mile check-ups this morning.

4. The Abu Ghraib scandal gets worse and worse.

5. On the other hand, Andrew Sullivan now approves.

6. You thought last year's "wardrobe malfunction" was bad...

7. If Snow White were written under an NEA grant, Snow White would be a bitchy transgendered hustler who performed back alley abortions on seven drug-addicted hookers.

8. When cornered, they released their most feared weapon, projectile menstrual flow.

9. "Um... can't we just cuddle?"

10. A clause in the pre-nup allowed 'The Donald' to deflower all the bridesmaids on-stage at the Taj Mahal.

Know Your Chicken

Hat Tip : Frank IBC (No, I didn't ask why he would go looking for stuff like this.)

1. "You call that dancing? Up the voltage."

2. The chicken knew 'that look' only too well. Soon, he would start singing, and then it was all "E-I, E-I, Oooh! Oooh! Ooooooooooooooooooooooooh!!!!

3. "Get off your high horse, babe. I warned you I was a 'geek' when we started this. You had to know how it was going to end."

4. "Do not fret, Cara Mia, I am sure we can convince the Massachusetts Supreme Court to grant us marital rights."

5. The ACLU today filled a multi-million dollar racial hate crime suit against blogger-dot-com, when a rogue captioner used the phrases "breast man" and "dark meat" in connection with this photograph.

6. "Okay, anyone else want to insult the Voodoo Priestess?"

7. "Chill out! 'Choke the chicken' is just a figure of speech."

8. "Damn... how many Amyl Nitrate and Jagermeister cocktails did I drink last night?"

9. "Umm, can't we just cuddle?"

10. "No kidding, you voted for Christine Gregoire too?"

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Governor Ahnuld Shows Off World's Largest Post-It Note

Chart in hand, the governator came to the Sacramento Bee's editorial board today in the latest stop on a statewide tour.

1. "Do Not Believe Condi. I Am HUGE!"

2. "This chart plainly shows that without steroids, I can only take on 5-7 girlie men simultaneously. But with steroids, I can wipe the floor with the asses of 46,917 girlie men."

3. "This is a chart showing that since I was elected governator, media allegations of sexual harassment are down 83%, while stories calling me the great hope of Republican moderates are up 46,917%"

4. "I'm a BIG Guhvuhnatuh, and I need a BIG cereal..."

5. "With my powerful nose muscles, I can honk a loogie with sufficient force to kill a man... although, as this chart shows, my lethality declines over distance."

6. "My forces will enter Colorado from the south, we will then march through Grand Junction to Denver before exiting here, leaving a 60 mile swath of raping and pillaging in our wake."

7. "I plan to invoke a Spanish Inquisition in 2006... bet you weren't expecting that!"

8. "Just sign here and you can drive that '97 Hyundai right off the lot today. For you, I throw in free undercoating."

9. "My proposed Girly Man Database will allow for efficient 'evacuation' of all my enemies to 'relocation camps' in Wyoming ... should it ever become necessary."

10. "Unh-unh...Read it and weep. I am a level 3 Mage with over 46,000 strength points. Your girly firecast spell has no effect on me."

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Return of the Iron Dingbat

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D*-N.Y., waves Monday, Jan. 24, 2005, in Albany, N.Y.. (AP Photo/Jim McKnight)

*[as in dingbat]

1. This person is A.) Starting Day 3 of a 5-day crystal meth and furniture polish bender B.) Trying to hold in a ginormous fart C.) Trying to convince a gullible nation she's not a left-wing feminazi android. Answer: D) All of the above.

2. "Love that Joker!"

3. Hey Kids!!! It's the Happy Harpy Show!!!

4. Wow. Have you ever seen anyone get so excited over The Vagina Monologues?

5. "Wave bye-bye to unwanted babies with Womb Broom and Fetus-B-Gone, and always keep your uterus shiny!"

6. Dammit! These wool turtlenecks always snag my nipple rings.

7. I'mnotonspeedI'mnotonspeed. WhatmakesyouthinkI'monspeed?I'mnotonspeed.

8. "And with your help, we'll make this the best 'Wives-and-Enablers-of-Serial-Philanderers-and-Pathological-Liars' Telethon ever. Now, let me introduce, Mrs. Senator Ted Kennedy..."

9. Poor Martha. If only she had "invested" in cattle futures.

10. Condi said What?!?! about my husband's penis?

Condi and the Angry Inch

1. "I'm crushing your head, I'm crushing your head, Senator Biden, I am crushing your head."

2. "Senator Kerry, let me explain to you the real root cause of Islamic terrorism..."

3. Damn! Where the hell did Mr. Hat take off to this time?

4. "O.K.... let's pretend my left hand is a bad, bad terrorist..." Try as she could, Condi just couldn't simplify enough for Barbara Boxer's comprehension.

5. Moments later, Ms. Rice regained control of the Fist of Death, Senator Kerry crawled out from under his desk, and the hearings continued.

6. "Rumsfeld taught me this one, it's called, the 'Falcon's Claw,' and you can render an opponent blind or permanently impotent, depending on your aim."

7. "Confirm me or the Invisible Midget Fairy dies!!"

8. Pushed to the brink, Condi Rice questions Senator Obama's African-American credentials.

9. As Senator Boxer flailed blindly in her last few seconds of life, Condi calmly wiped off the bloody gavel. "That'll teach her for wearing white shoes after Labor Day."


Monday, January 24, 2005

Detroit Auto Show, 21-Jan-2005

- Detroit News

1. "Put out, or get out."

2. "I always stash some mouthwash under the visor. In case you get pulled over, it invalidates the breahtalyzer."

3. "O.K. Now, be cool. It's probably just a routine stop, we'll be out of here in no time... oh, shit he's got a sniffer dog."

4. "Hand me the AK, I've got to bust a few caps in some home-boy ass."

5. "Where did all those kids come from? Did I take a wrong term and end up in Tijuana?"

6. "Chewie here tells me you're lookin' for passage to the Alderaan system?"

7. "Um, that? Probably just a speed bump. No need to stop."

8. Disney's bi-racial, all middle-school remake of Bonfire of the Vanities was actually an improvement over the Tom Hanks original.

9. "Hey! O.J. wants to know if any of you kids are the real killers? No? Okay, thanks."

10. "... I got a place just a couple of blocks from here. You sure you're not a cop?"

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Movin' On Up...

Representative Cynthia McKinney (D-Neptune) addresses her fellow useful idiots protesting the inauguration.

Hat tip: Hundred Percenter

1. "My fellow democrats have welcomed me back to Washington. In fact, Senator Byrd has promised a good old-fashioned southern housewarming."

2. "Excuse me, Congresswoman, but you'll have to move your mike. The wind whistling through your ears is causing too much feedback."

3. "Yes, I am capable of dislocating my jaw so that I can engulf prey in my enormous jowls... next question?"

4. "George Bush is an idiot who has masterminded the domination of the world! He's like Rain Man, except he's good at world domination instead of math. Or like that piano guy in Shine. You know, Shiney McShine?"

5. "Oh, no... she's been distracted by something shiny again."

6. "Thanks to civil rights pioneers like Rosa Parks, I can ride in the FRONT of the short bus."

7. "All right, who thought it would be funny to play 'Baby Got Back' when I came up to the microphone. I'll freakin' kill you."

8. The camerman chuckled. "From this angle, it looks like she's talking into a couple of robot penises."

9. "Before I begin, are there any J-E-W-S's here?"

10. "Unh unh. You ain't stayin' at my place. You get your own Dee-luxe apartment in the sky."

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Pretty in... Who Am I Kidding?

Here we see a moonbat at the inauguration whose either throwing the requisite democrat temper tantrum or, as one commenter suggesting, acting out the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally really, really badly.

-- Hat Tip Sondra K

1. Well if she's singing, at least we know it's over.

2. She just found out the wet bar was out of Yoo-Hoo.

3. Barbra Streisand tried to crowd surf, but no one wanted to touch her aging carcass.

4. When asked why she tried to assassinate the president, Pinky Tuscadero answered "So the Fonz would finally notice me."

5. Usually, the only time you see a mouth opened that wide, a Peanuts character is saying "Arrrrrrrgh!" underneath it. She must have interned under Clinton.

6. Public bikini waxings. Not a pretty sight.

7. Who knew Cheney could toss a protester 300 feet off a dais... nice catch by the way.

8. Why is Barbara Boxer such a moonbat? For starters, this chick is her therapist.

9. Ted Rall's body odor often has this effect on women.

10. Finally snapping as the reality of his defeat sinks in, Senator Edwards shows up at the inauguration dressed as Aunt Bea from Mayberry, with a tube of airplane glue hanging from his nose, and is led off after succumbing to an attack of "the vapors."

Friday, January 21, 2005

Rawk On!!!

President George W. Bush gestures from the reviewing stand at the inaugural parade in Washington, January 20. 2005. REUTERS/Larry Downing

1. Upon spotting a group of Crips in the crowd, Bush flashed a gang sign and shouted, "Yo! Mah nigguhs! Punk Ass Boxer Biyatch Goin' Down, Yo!"*

2. "Wayne Newton sucks!" The president yelled. "Crue rules! We want Motley Crue!"

3. Whoa, who invited Meg Griffin to the Inaugural?

4. Bush spots Marlee Matlin in the crowd and quickly signs, "Raddisson Hotel, Suite 792, Wear leather."

5. "Hey-y-y-y-y, Macarena!"

6. That's right, Rather, Read between the lines."


8. "Must ... control ... claw of Death!"

9. "You like this? Rumsfeld showed it to me. It's called the 'Striking Hawk!' Apparently, you can disembowel a man with it in point-oh-eight seconds."

10. Bush spots Dan Rather in the crowd and tells him to "Blow me!" in American Sign Language.

* Props to CJ. It was his caption.

Hah! Burn for it Hippie Freaks!!

Police officers fire streams of pepper spray into a crowd of protesters after demonstrators threw objects over the fence, at President Bush's inaugural parade Photo by Jim Bourg/Reuters


1. "Here ya go, hippies. Taste this freakin' rainbow!"*

2. Common sense would suggest it was a dumb idea to yell "F*** the pigs!" when they have pepper spray and you don't have gas masks.

3. "Oh,no... liquid... run, brothers and sisters, before any foul hippie stench is washed from our persons!"

4. Police Chief Cartman's dream finally came true. "Respect my f***in' authoritay!"

5. The sound of whining, high-pitched voices squealing "No fair! No fair!" secretly delighted the police officers.

6. "It's only funny until some stupid hippie claws out his own eyes to escape the burning pepper spray, then it's freakin' hilarious!"

7. The hippies started it by throwing shit over the barricades... and for once, I don't use that word euphemistically.

8. It's not actually pepper spray, it's RAID. Hippies attract a lot of flies, and they were bothering the horses.

9. We've secretly replaced the pepper spray they usually use with concentrated hydrochloric acid. Let's see if anyone notices.

10. Man, they're bosses are going to be pissed that they missed work and got arrested... oh, wait, what was I thinking?

* Props, once again, to CJ.


Don't you people have anything better to do? Read a book! Play some Scrabble! Spend time with your family... or communal pod unit. Whatever.

How freakin' delusional do you have to be to think that walking down the street with a papier mache puppethead is going to make any difference?

Joanne Scott, of Seattle, holding a toy skeleton wearing a tie and a cowboy hat, protests President Bush (news - web sites)'s inauguration Thursday, Jan. 20, 2005. (AP Photo Ted S. Warren)

1. So, the only celebrity they could get was Calista Flockhart?

2. The FBI continues to deny using a modified form of the Flesh Eating Bacteria for riot control.

3. "1-2-3-4/ Dumb hippie chicks are easy scores/ 5-6-7-8/Painful burning medicate..."

4. Proof that ugly really does go clear to the bone.

5. She's also had hundreds of bones inside of her at various times...

That's it, hippies. Five captions is all The Man will let you have.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Another Scene From the Freakshow

On Inauguration Day, I thought it might be a good time to check back in with those spoiled brat, pharmaceutically-leveled, navel-gazing cry-babies at Sorry-Everybody-dot-com, who will spend today joining infantile protests or sobbing into their lattes.

1. Penn despaired. Teller was dead, and all the street magic in the world would not bring him back or dispose of all the forensic evidence.

2. What should you do now? Let me suggest, 1.) Take a shower, 2.) Get a job, 3.) Move out of your parents' basement...

3. Rodin's The Whiner

4. Don't despair. Just because Jerry Seinfeld dumped you doesn't mean there aren't lots of guys out there who'd love to meet a butch chick with ginormous man-hands

5. What should you do now? Okay, first of all, "Super-Size" is a privilege, not a right. Learn it. Love it. Live it.

6. Dude! Your pants are still up... and that's not the sh*tter!

7. What should you do? Buck up, go downtown, and open up "The Android's Dungeon" same as any other day, Comic Book Guy.

8. A leftie's worst nightmare... the clock radio goes off, "I Got You Babe" starts playing, and January 20, 2005 starts over, and over, and over again...

9. She's gone, yeah, and she's never coming back... but ask yourself, is a woman who refuses to be married in a traditional Klingon ceremony really the right woman for you?

10. What should you do now? Um, maybe wash the blood out of the shower before the cops notice your twink "roommate" is missing?

Return to the Valley of the Freaks

On Inauguration Day, I thought it might be a good time to check back in with those spoiled brat, pharmaceutically-leveled, navel-gazing cry-babies at Sorry-Everybody-dot-com.

1. The Ketchup is a little weird, but hey, I'll try anything once, and besides, I think this Jeffrey Dahmer guy might just be the one.

2. Except for the facemask, this looks pretty much like anybody who ever tried to give a cat a bath.

3. Okay, he's standing in a bathtub in his underwear covered in ketchup and he's calling Bush-voters stupid. R-i-i-i-i-i-i-g-h-t.

4, "Don't pick your nose." I said. "Especially, don't pick your nose with a switchblade," I said. But did you listen? N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o.....

5. Apparently, you can get blood from a stoner.

6. Hygiene tip of the day, when you start to bleed, you're scrubbing too hard.

7. "Um, Rick... when I suggested we 'play doctor,' that was not a cue for you to mutilate yourself."

8. Proceeds from the class-action lawsuit against the 'Ronco Home-Circumcision Kit' financed John Edwards's entire 2008 presidential run.

9*. Robyn Hitchcock's music is pretty good, but sometimes his fans take his lyrics a little too seriously.

10. 20 years later, Hobbes is still ambushing Calvin when he least expects it.

* Handy hyperlink explains obscure reference for anyone who isn't Dennis Miller.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

1983: Bill Gates Poses for Tiger Beat

Microsoft Overlord Bill Gates poses pin-up style in this 1983 photograph - Courtesy of Mirrordot.

1. The photo-shoot went great, but the interview was lousy. Every single question was answered with, "He who controls the Spice controls the Universe."

2. "Your God Is Nothing! Bow Down and Worship Me!"

3. "My next project will be to use computer technology to create a woman like those nerds in Weird Science. But mine will have much bigger hooters."

4. "Matthew Broderick was a pussy. Give me fifteen minutes, and I'll dust Moscow."

5. "Do I make you horny, baby?" (Yeah, that's not the super-obvious caption).

6. "I just invented the chat room. It's awesome. I already got Steve Jobs thinking I'm a 20 year old nymphomaniac People Express stewardess."

7. All right. I gotta say it. Why does Bill Gates have a camel-toe?

8. "Hey, if you liked the K-Car, you're gonna love MS-DOS."

9. "If this seductive pose doesn't win over Molly Ringwald, I'll swear off sex and devote the rest of my life to World Domination."

10. "The best part is, we use this two digit code for the year. It's harmless now, but in about 17 years, a lot of people are gonna make billions 'fixing' it."

Hajj-Pajj, 2

Male pilgrims don the white, seamless Ihram robes for the duration of the rituals. - BBC

1. "Togas were a great idea! Next year, let's do the hajj dressed as Aunt Bea from Mayberry

2. "Damn, G, how many toads did we lick last night?"

3. One night, the Rat Pack got blitzed on a furniture polish. The next day, Frank, Dino, and Sammy woke up in crazy kookoo Mecca.

4. "I'm wasted, my groin is raw, and I haven't seen my pants in four days. Donald Trump's bachelor party is the bomb!"

5. The Islamic version of Animal House ends with Otter, Boon, and Flounder being beheaded by Dean Wormer.

6. "Okay, okay... here's our story. We were kidnapped, stripped, and anally probed by aliens. We were not rolled and robbed of our clothing by pre-op trans-sexual hookers. The wives must never know!"

7. "Rasheed, I have never seen you so excited. These 'Village People' must really be something."

8. How embarrassing. We all wore the same thing. Two of you will have to be beheaded.

9. "Girlfriend, don't let that nappy-ass queen get you down. When you take that stage, and we break into "Stop! In the name of Love," you will be Miss Diana Ross!"

10. "The hajj is like the Muslim version of Mardi Gras... except there's no beads, no parades, no colorful costumes, no merriment, no music, no alcohol, no women flashing their tits at you... God, our religion sucks!"

Hajj-Pajj, I

Security is a priority for the Saudi authorities and the police detain anyone, such as this Malaysian pilgrim, who arrive without the correct papers. - BBC

1. "Sir, do you have any drugs or firearms in the vehicle?" "What do you need?"

2. Rasheed swallowed his entire stash of windowpane as soon as he saw the flashing lights behind him. He knew that, in about 10 minutes, his life was going to change forever.

3. "These aren't the droids you're looking for."

4. "I've dealt with your damm advances for years now, and I'm sick of it! I'm sick of it, I'm straight, okay? You ever hear of sexual harassment? Ever hear of that?"

5. Ironically, he was arrested for robbing a 7-11.

6. "They're confiscating all my 'Legalize It' signs. I should have known Mecca was the wrong place for a protest."

7. "Whew! That was great. How 'bout now, I give you boys a strip search?"

8. "Shouldn't you be out chasing those danged Duke boys?"

9. "License and registration... chicken fucker."

10. "Hm, tight pants and no bulge, I see why you find Western Civilization intimidating."

Monday, January 17, 2005

My Surname Is My Life

Dotty Lynch, CBS News’ Senior Political Editor, Democrat Operative, self-described "ardent feminist" (I think we all know what that means) apparently played a role in getting the Forged Bush TANG Memos on the air.

1. House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) takes a walk on the wild side.

2. The CSPAN host then asked, "And just how many skin grafts did your face receive after that pick-up you rigged for Dateline NBC detonated prematurely?"

3. "I'm a little bull-dyke shot and stout/Show me your dick and I'll rip it out"

4. Her appearance did nothing to dispel the appearance of bias, but it did earn her a spot in the Mullets Unlimited Hall of Fame.

5. Damn, I miss Chris Farley.

6. "What can I say, I prefer taco to sausage."

7. Some would have guessed the loogie contest was over after the beauty Susan Estrich hocked on Dotty Lynch's left shoulder. They would have guessed wrong!

8. "Could we hold you over for another segment? Apparently, Vice President Cheney and Cokie Roberts have locked themselves in the Green Room and won't be out for at least another ten minutes."

9. "... and then Madeleine Albright bitch-slapped Janet Reno, and by the time it was over all three of us were banned for life from the LPGA locker room."

10. "Sorry about the misunderstanding, Ms Lynch, we didn't realize you were allergic to peanuts. The swelling should go down in another four or five days."

P.S. Flashback to this picture of Susan Estrich, reminding us of how the movie Mrs Doubtfire might have been different if they had cast Ray Liotta instead of Robin Williams.

I'm So Ronery...

Madeleine Albright's favorite crazy tyrant (Castro is so-o-o-o-o jealous!) Kim Jong-Il.

1. Guys who work at the Deposit window at the Sperm bank see this face all the time.

2. Let's see, ridiculous hair, hipster-doofus expression, always dropping in and taking things from his neighbors... Kim Jong-Il is the Cosmo Kramer of East Asia.

3. "Okay, which one of you idiots reft your strap-on in my chair?"

4. "Wow, you not kidding. Anally-injected crystal meth go right to my G-spot."

5. "Oh, come on and give your Uncle Kim a big kiss!"

6. "Ha! Ha! Ha! You can't insult my mother. I have no mother. Two words: 'Gestation Pod.'"

7. "Oh, look, Hillbilly Neighbor out drinking beer in alleyway with Rednecks."

8. "Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep."

9. "Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants."

10. "You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken."

(8 - 10 are supposedly actual English Subtitles to Chinese movie dialogue, which I looked up at this pop-up saturated website).

Voila, un Rectume!"

French President Jacques Chirac welcomes John Kerry (L) at the Elysee Palace in Paris January 14, 2005. REUTERS/Patrick Kovarik

1. "...and then turn and... mon ami, we are never going to win the salsa dance contest if you don't, how you say, loosen up!"

2. "Don't touch me! Nothing gives you that right!"

3. "OK, mon ami you pretend to be president, I will pretend my country is still relevant."

4. "Whoa! Looks like I owe Jonah Goldberg an apology, he was right about your B.O. problem."

5. "That's right, Putin! You just be glad Chirac is holding me back, or I'd bite off your other ear, too!"

6. "You know, it just wouldn't be Paris if I weren't holding back-door meetings with America's sworn enemies."

7. "So, is it true you call a 'Quarter Pounder with Cheese' a 'Royale With Cheese?'"

8. "Oh, no. A reporter just asked Tuhrayzuh what the tsunami victims are supposed to do for food. This bodes ill."

9. Kerry is quickly buttoning up and both are bathed in a warm afterglow. Just sayin'...

10. I see Paris/I see France/I see a haughty communist gigolo with a crazy, pharmaceutical-dependent wife who couldn't win an election with the entire American media establishment pulling for him.

Urban Software

No captions for this one, except to point out that MLK is probably doing 3600 rpm in his grave over what's happened to Black Culture since he died.

Hat Tip - Onymitt

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Oh My Lack-of-God

Atheistic Attention-Whore Michael Newdow pretends to read a fax of the Supreme Court's latest to rebuke to his attempt to institutionalize Atheism as America's official state religion.

1. "What do you mean calling me an 'atheistic psycho?' I'm not a psycho, and if you call me a psycho again, I'll kill every one of you, burn your bodies, and piss on your blackened skulls!!"

2. "Michael Moore is Idiotarian of the Year? Why doesn't anyone tell me about these contests?"

3. "As an atheist, I believe that upon death our intellect is extinguished, our existence becomes void and meaningless, and our physical form becomes repugnant... so, for me, not much of a transition."

4. "Here is the list of my additional demands. I want the lower case 't' stricken from the alphabet and replaced with something less cross-like. The ACLU is with me on this."

5. It all goes back to that horrible day in 1974 when Elton John rejected his lyrics and called him a "no-talent wanker." From that day on, God was dead to him.

6. According to this survey, there's still 3 per cent of Americans who think that British guy on American Idol is a bigger asshole than me. Well, suing to change the name of every city in California with "San" in the name should change that.

7. "Oh this? It's the bill from the ACME company for all that crap I bought trying to catch that stupid evangelical roadrunner."

8. The manifesto that Newdow claimed "proved the non-existence of a Supreme Being" was found merely to consist of 666 pages of the word "God Sucks" repeated in different shades of crayon.

9. "Some idiot monks just handed me this list they claim are the nine billion names of God. What a stupid waste of... hey, weren't there stars out a few minutes ago?"

10. Slightly less annoying than his "in-your-face" atheism was Newdow's compulsive bowel movement logging.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Il Douchebag

Sen. Edward Kennedy talks to officials of the National Press Club during a luncheon gathering at the NPC, Wednesday, Jan. 12, 2005(AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta)

1. "Four fingers of vodka... and spread 'em wide... like this. Bring a tumbluh."

2. "Hey, Baby... need a ride home?"

3. "I'm a senatuh, dammit, a senatuh... I defy anyone to make me wear pants if I don't want to."

4. "No, I didn't say I wanted do Meet the Press... I said would you like to go back to my chambuh and press the meat.

5. "The waterboard simulates drowning! Can you imagine a more horrible death than.. than... er-uh ... er-uh ... than being nibbled to death by ravenous hamstuhs?"

6. "That wasn't me, er-uh, these vinyl seats keep sticking to my bare buttocks."

7. The Press Club was charmed and awed as Senator Kennedy slammed 38 beers and crushed the cans against his forehead, one after another.

8. "... and then Barbara Boxer says, 'I'm going to get a door so we can roll the window down if we get hot...'"

9. Not for weak stomachs was Senator Kennedy's impression of Meg Ryan in the diner scene of When Harry Met Sally.

10. "Garcon, Garcon Four more vodka martinis here... and an oofy-ray olada-cay for the lady."

Which Way to the Tea Party?

Rock vocalist/guitarist Wendy Case pauses with a couple of Kid Rock fanatics all dressed up for the shooting of a live music video for Kid Rock's song "Forever." - Detroit News

1. "We're here to protest the Bush Inauguration." "No kidding."

2. In Alternate Universe 4536, President Kucinich's nominees for Health and Human Services, Huggy Bear, and Department of Homeland Security, Guy-Who-Thinks-He's-Tom-Petty-in-the-"Don't Come Around Here No More"-video report for their confirmation hearings.

3. Mack Daddy explained his pricing policy. "The bootylicious ho on my left is $300 and hour, the used up-skank next to her is $30, and the twink in back will pay you $50 to stomp on his head."

4. Prince Harry thanked the models for their suggestions, but then decided to pick his own costume. The rest is history.

5. Detroit Police today announced they arrested two suspects in the mugging of George Clinton and Elton John.

6. Beware the side effects of bootleg Mexican V.I.@.G.R.@.

7. P. Diddy did make good on his "Vote or Die" threat, but fortunately his death squads were easy to spot.

8. "It's a cross between Boogie Nights, Pulp Fiction and Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, the screenwriter pitched. "I'm telling you, it can't miss."

9. For a moment, I thought the one in the purple hat was Sarah Jessica Parker, but then I realized he was far too pretty.

10. If this is the alternative, I'd say Mommas, go ahead and let your babies grow up to be cowboys.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Terror King and the Satanic Coneheads

Palestinian Authority president elect Abu Mazen, left, shakes hands with Coptic Orthodox Christian Archbishop Dr. Anba Abraham. Thursday, Jan. 13, 2005. Armenian Patriarch of Jerusalem Torkom Manougian, is seen center. (AP Photo/Nasser Nasser)

1. "Oh, Satanic Santa, I've been a very bad boy this year. May I have an Xbox?"

2. Nasser Nasser was previously the staff photographer for Duran Duran, Mister Mister, and Boutros-Boutros Ghali.

3. Yo! Anba. The B-52's called. They want their bouffant hairdoes back.

4. "Trick or Treat! I'm crazy mushroom head! Gimme some o' dat crazy candy!"

5. Always two there are, a Master and an Apprentice. Obi-wan prepares to fire up his light saber.

6. "No problem, Mr. Mazen... your fantasy about geriatric homo-satanists was a peace of cake to arrange compared to what Arafat used to get into."

7. "It's not you, It's me. I hope we can still be friends."

8. "Nice... got any piercings I can't see?"

9. "All you have to do is sign up six people to put in $2000, then when you get to the top, you get $12,000 ... and it's all legal!"

10. "Take my hand/ Take my whole life too/ 'Cause I can't help/ Fallin' in love with you ..."

God Save Der Fuhrer

Thank you, England. Your inbred, mildly retarded royals are a neverending font of material.

1. "Oh, this? Found it in an old box in the attic. Used to belong to the Duke of Windsor."

2. "French chicks just can't say 'non' when they see me in this."

3. "Found this in me dad's closet with a whip, two tins of shaving cream, and a leather hood."

4. "Hey, what's the difference between this arm-band and one of those gay yellow cancer bracelets... aside from one being good one being evil I mean."

5. Her Majesty Press Agent has determined that the public would rather believe Prince Harry was a closet Nazi than a closet musical-theater-pouf who just got back from tryouts for The Producers.

6. "Nonsense! People who defeated the French was a fabulous theme for this party. Oh, look, there's the Duke of Wellington dressed as a Viet Cong guerilla. Fabulous hat, Duke! Straw, is it?"

7. "Bloody Hell, I should have just dressed as Che Guevara."

8. "This is the last time I borrow a shirt from one of Arafat's bodyguards."

9. "I've been a naughty, naughty Nazi and I now require a spanking from a dominant transvestite top."

10. "It's because I'm a Lesbian, isn't it?

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Dan Rather Shows Off His Willie

1. "Gee, Dan, I don't know what happened with those memos. I pay that same guy to do my taxes."

2. "The worst part was when Diane Sawyer handed me a bunch of pills and said, 'Here Dan, take these, they're cyanide.' Anyway, I took them, and they turned out to be Tic-Tacs. And she just laughed and said, 'Oops, sorry Dan, guess I should have authenticated those pills better.' Long story short, Willie, will you kill Diane Sawyer for me?"

3. "Thanks for the offer Willie. A bikini wax would make me feel much better. I'll get the pinking shears from the limo."

4. "So, the plan is, I travel back in time and plant these memos. Bush is smeared, and Dennis Kucinich becomes President. Are you sure this will work?" "Don't worry, Willie, I've thought of everything."

5. "Dammit, Willie, 'a duet with Julio Iglesias' is your answer to everything."

6. "No kidding, Dan? You post on Little Green Footballs under the nickname 'Gordon?'"

7. "In the last two hours, I've sold him 900 acres of swampland in Arizona, got him to sign up for an extended warranty, and converted him to Scientology," Willie thought. "This guy will fall for anything!"

8. "Does red wine or white go better with 'Moon Over My Hammy?'"

9. "O.K., I'll get the check, but you better put out!"

10. "What? You mean I can't get anything I want at Alice's Restaurant?"

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

The Roof! The Roof! The Roof Is On Fire!

Palestinian presidential candidate Mahmoud Abbas celebrates his campaign with a supporter after the close of voting in the West Bank city of Ramallah January 9, 2005. REUTERS/Goran Tomasevic

1. "Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah, Stayin' Alive, Stayin' Alive..."

2. "... and do you, Abu Mazen, take this lump of dough with eyeballs to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

3. Palestinian Party People wave their hands in the air like they just don't care.

4. Michael Moore takes a walk on the wild side.

5. It was thought that Arafat's essence had lingered in the office for weeks after his death. Turns out it was just an open jar of mayonnaise he left in the ventilation duct.

6. Abu Mazen introduces his new Minister of Women's Affairs, Dried Apple Head.

7. So, what does the picture of Ed MacMahon on her scarf symbolize?

8. Abu Mazen... terrorist, holocaust denier, and chick magnet.

9. "...and once I have this glass eye implanted into my skull, I will complete my transformation into Sammy Davis, Jr."

10. And he still hasn't returned Gary Coleman's jacket.

Pull My Finger, Mr. President

President Bush listens to Time Warner CEO Richard Parsons (center), on Dec. 16 during a White House economic conference at the Ronald Reagan Center in Washington.

1. "I don't care if you picked it just for me, I don't want it!"

2. The president confronts a critic who insists that, "I will survive, as long as i know how to love, I know I will stay alive, I will survive."

3. In mid-reply, the president flashes back to the sobriety test he took after his 1975 DUI.

4. "Little Rabbit Foo-Foo requires two fingers, dipshit," the president thought but was too polite to say.

5. Next week, the president travels back in time to debate John F. Kennedy and the disembodied head of Eleanor Roosevelt.

6. President Bush responded, "Are you aware that while we've been arguing a band of tiny Indians have set up camp on the table?"

7. "Come on, Mr President, sing it with me, you know the words...'sky-y-y-y-y rockets in flight... afternoon delight..."

8. "That settles it, rock crushes pencil, we privatize social security."

Monday, January 10, 2005

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Michael Moore accepts the award for Favorite Movie for Farenheit 9/11.
Photo: AFP

1. "I haven't been this happy since I had Han Solo frozen in carbonite."

2. Locating the Deep G Penetrator secured Michael Moore's victory in Andrew Sullivan's annual scavenger hunt.

3. "Evil rules!"

4. ..and yet, Moore thought. I'd give it all up just to see my penis again.

5. "I'm retaining water... which is why Lake Erie is missing."

6. Michael Moore graciously accepts his specially-scaled Weight Watchers 'lost-my-first-10%' keychain award . (Props to Miss M)

7. Later on, Michael Moore would wow Jenna Jamison and Tracy Lords with his ability to deep throat the award like a 20 lb. ham and tie Slim Jims into knots with his tongue.

8. Displaying the class and subtlety for which he was renowned, Michael Moore ended his acceptance speech with, "By the way, don't use the john for a while, as soon as I get done here I'm going to stink it up real good by pinching off some enormous turds."

9. Michael Moore's triumph turned to disappointment and later despair when he found out the award was made of metal and not, in fact, milk chocolate surrounding a gooey nougat center.

10. Yes, Michael Moore is a genius, if the definition of genius has been changed to "a fat dullard or wobblebottom; a pompous ass with sweatly dewflaps". - Blackadder Reference.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

A RINO, a WINO, an idiot, and a black guy walk into a cemetery.

Former American President Jimmy Carter, right, and former Republican Governor of New Jersey Christine Todd Whitman pay their respects at the grave of late Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat, Saturday Jan. 8, 2005.

1. "He was a rough man, but there were times when his caresses could be ever-so-tender..." "We know, Jimmy, we know."

2. "Yo! Beer man! Over here!"

3. Carter fondly recalled, "After I lost the election in 1980, Arafat offered to blow-up a busload of Republican children. He was always thoughtful that way, always thinking of others."

4. And none of them ever found out, "Rosebud" was his favorite pair of nipple clamps.

5. The men were saddened, but Christine was still puzzled by the word "Eskimo" underlined in Arafat's copy of Moby Dick.

6. Carter fumed. "Daisies! He hated Daisies! Where are the Merigolds! Oh, someone is going to get such a bitch-slap."

7. "He was actually something of a health nut," Carter would tell them later. "I remember looking in his medicine cabinet. It was full of vitamins A, Z, and T."

8. My own personal nightmare: Finding myself at Arafat's gravesite, without a huge bag of dog poop.

9. No amount of flowers could cover the stench of Arafat's rotting feet, coupled with the leftover funk of Michael Moore that Carter never got out of his jacket, and tripled by Carter's own uncontrollable uncontinence.

10. "I wonder if they ever got the gerbil out," Carter wondered.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Suspected Captioner Plants Captions Under Photo of Suspected Terrorist

A suspected insurgent asks residents for mercy after they caught him planting explosives under civilian vehicles, at a busy area in Baghdad, January 3, 2005. (Reuters, natch. Who else considers a man planting explosives only a "suspected" insurgent.)

1. "You don't understand. My wives found a fifty gallon drum of lubricant in my closet, and now I must pretend to change the oil daily."

2. GWM, 45, swimmers build, into humiliation, public scenes, foot fetishes, and big-ass Farah slacks.

3. First Marine: Damn! I almost ran over that insurgent. Second Marine: That's okay, I got him with the car door.

4. In America, a crappy old car is known as a "bomber." The Iraqis are somewhat more literal.

5. "That's okay Mr. Broderick. You just winged me."

6. "Oh, sorry, sir... we thought you were Senator Kennedy. You can go back to sleep now."

7. Have you been injured while attempting to sabotage a vehicle? Call the law firm of Edwards and Fazio. You could be entitled to huge damages.

8. The last thing Ahmed remembered was a UN Peacekeeper shouting "Put Out or Get Out."

9. "Okayfine, so it wasn't just a speedbump we hit. I owe you a Coke."

10. Brando's scene in Fight Club was deleted for reasons that should be obvious.

When a Moonbat Meets a Moonbat

Ian Harrington and Heleni Thayre of the Coalition Against Election Fraud kept a vigil outside Senator John F. Kerry's home. The demonstrators want Kerry to oppose approval of the Electoral College results Jan. 6. (Boston Globe Staff Photo / Bill Greene)

1. "Back off, skank, I'm working this corner."

2. "So, are you the south-going Zak or the northgoing Zak?"

3. "Yeah, there did used to be three of us, but we got stoned and thought it might be fun to play 'Real Life Frogger.'"

4. "A cop was gonna give you a parking ticket, but we made some 'alternative arrangements.' You owe me twenty bucks and a pair of kneedpads.

5. "What do you mean that wasn't really a cop?"

6. "No, no one signed our petition today, but one guy in a dog suit offered me fifty bucks to pretend I was a fire hydrant."

7. And Moonbeam scored again with the classic left-wing pick-up line, "What's your dosage?"

8. "The pink streamers? Symbolic of the entrails we will rip out of all Republicans, come the revolution. Why do you ask?"

9. "Actually, I've been out here all day trying to enlighten the oppressed wage slaves about the cruel lies of the corporate oppression machine! Now, I'm ready to hit Starbucks. Spare change?"

10. "Live Nude women! Follow me to the live Nude Wom---, Oh, hi, Mom... Um... Bush sucks!"

This was sent to me weeks ago (Hat Tip: Sharon) but I had trouble making it work. Yesterday's Cupid Stunt Barbara Boxer and the ensuing Democrat Dingbat Parade inspired me to give it another go.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Stop Screaming. It's Just a Picture. It Can't Hurt You.

Cupid Stunt Barbara "Batty" Boxer (D - Pacifica) today threw a childish temper tantrum on the floor of the senate in a vain, futile effort to overturn the 2004 election. (She did, however, succeed in undermining democracy just a little bit.)

1. "Damn, two more children just escaped from my gingerbread house."

2. Rates of adolescent homosexuality jumped 38% among boys when Barbara Boxer's picture graced the cover of the Teenager's Guide to Knockin' Boots Sex-Ed Manual put out by the California Department of Education.

3. Susan Sarandon stared over the lifeless body of Tim Robbins. "The bidet is not a drinking fountain," she said for the last time.

4. In other news, the Bulimia Council released its 2005 calendar today.

5. In other news, the Sierra Club declared Senator Barbara Boxer an "Enemy of the Wilderness" when it was confirmed that she did, in fact, hit every branch on the way down.

6. Portrait of a feminist enjoying a really good joke.

7. "Damn, my loogie missed Trent Lott by four inches."

8. "And the winner of the Margaret Hamilton look alike contest is...

(Sorry it's short. Got to drop off a bud at the airport.)

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Put Your Hand Inside the Puppet Head

Scary: An allegedly serious presidential candidate playing with puppets. Scarier: 400,000 people actually voted for this doofus.

1. Ralph Nader: The presidential candidate most likely to be asked, "Can I buy pot from you?"

2. "... and so, after being with AmWay for as little as six months, you could be making upwards of $200,000 a week..."

3. "Okay, now turn the camera off and bring out the Adrienne Barbeau puppet."

4. "Yes, little puppet man, I will obey the voices. I will kill them all."

5. Crappy CGI and an overtly left-wing message were but two of the reasons Toy Story 3 was doomed to fail.

6. "Would you like some tea, Senator Prissypants 'Why thank you Ralph, you are generous and cool.' Why thank you Senator Prissypants. What do you think President Clydefrog. 'I think you're a fat piece of crap.' (pause) Hey!"

7. This is worse than the time he lost the Betty Crocker Cook-Off and played with his E-Z-Bake oven for six straight weeks.

8. Inside the Actors Studio with Alec Baldwin and Spotswoode from Team America: World Police.

9. "No one wants to shake hands with me since I gave up toilet paper in support of third world hygiene methods."

10. Nader had been afraid of puppets ever since that bad acid trip when Tim Leary and Abbie Hoffman stuck their hands inside some Cornish Game Hens and made them dance the "Can-Can."

The Cowboy and the Walrus

Looks like the Bush-Clinton partnership is fully cemented right now. Did I not say Clinton backstabbed Kerry during the campaign? I'm betting the Demoncats are going absolutely ballistic. - Andy Koom's weblog

1. "He did it! He pulled my finger! I can't believe he fell for it."

2. "Willy, if you break into 'Ebony and Ivory' again, so help me, I'll cut your nads off."

3. "I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking. Yep, back of the head."

4. Unfortunately, all the money Bill raised for Tsunami victims went to cover his three-month tab at a Bangkok brothel.

5. "Damn it, Bill, get in the car. I don't want to hear another word about your chest pains. Bitch, bitch, bitch..."

6. Gallant breezes through the checkpoint sobriety test, Goofus is busted after missing his nose completely.

7. "And I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I... Will always love Y-o-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u..."

8. "Hey, George, I see you had the interior of the Presidential Limo completely re-upholstered after my term." "Yeah, Bill, the CDC thought it would be best."

9. "Mr. Clinton, could you illustrate for us the size of Madeline Albright's ass?"

10. "Don't touch the hair," thought Bush. "Don't touch the hair Don't touch the hair You're a dead man if you touch the hair. Don't touch the hair "

Monday, January 03, 2005

Final Curtain Call

Kerry: Is it safe to come back? Khue Bui for Newsweek

1. "You! Hale Peasant! Toss me one of those bottled waters. Make sure it's my brand or I will thrash you in a manner reminiscent of Jenjis Khan."

2. Former Presidential candidate John Kerry was gunned-down outside the David Letterman Show studio after flashing the wrong gang sign at Biff Henderson.

3. Rosie O'Donnell's stepping up to the microphone... it really is over.

4. "So long, farewell, auf widersehn... just get the hell outta here, okay, loser."

5. Strange Factoid: The Highlights of the Kerry Campaign video synchs up with Dark Side of the Moon. This scene comes along about the time Floyd sings "The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say."

6. "And in the end.... the love you take is equal to the love you make...which explains exactly how I got f***ed over by those g*****m swiftvets."

7. Moments before the former candidate met his sad end ... whacked by a chair thrown by an out-of-contol teenage transvestite on Springer. His last words. "I don't fall down. The bitch threw a chair at me."

8. And so it ends... Not with a bang, but with a wanker...

9. Losing the election kind of sucked, but four years of getting daily wedgies from Hillary, accompanied by her trademark back-of-the-head bitch-slap and her constantly belching 'Loser' whenever he entered the Senate chamber eventually drove Kerry down the path of alcoholism and despondency.

10. Sadly, he never did figure out whether he was the douchebag or the turd sandwich.
Obscure Reference Explanation Here

Conehead Ice-Fishing Child

From the paper that brought you "Christmas Tree Shopping Geezers"

Brad Gee, 13, of Long Lake dips a waxy worm into a hole in the ice near the public access at Long Lake. He said he wasn't sure if he'd get a "keeper" or not. Sentinel-Standard/Steve DeGrush.Ionia (MI) Sentinel-Standard

1. "We warned you not to mess with the Maretto family, Miss Stone."

2. "... and when the invasion fleet from Remulac arrives, the bluntskulls will pay dearly for their insolence."

3. "'Dips a waxy worm into a hole?' Who writes this crap?"

4. "We must have the Precious-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s..."

5. "Okay, dad, I'll call the EMT's, but you have to promise never to whistle the Andy Griffith theme music again."

6. "Okay, cue the tears and... 'Mom-m-m-m, my little sister fell in the lake and I tried to save her but ...' No, doesn't sound right. They'll never buy it. 'Mom-m-m... Dad-d-d-d, something terrible just happened to little Sarah...'... no, that's not right either...

7. "Hm, maybe it was too soon after the stroke to take Grandma swimming. Oh, well."

8. "Why would I rather spend hours in sub-zero weather impaling worms on metal hooks in order to catch parasite-laden fish from an EPA Superfund site? Hey, If the alternative were watching an American Idol marathon with your family, which would you choose?"

9. "Damn lousy Germans scared all the fish away."

10. "No, dad, of course I wouldn't rather be snowmobiling with Jason and Tyler. Spending this quality time with you is so-o-o-o-o much more important."