Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Welcome to Hell, Tookie. Here's Your Accordion.
1. Mike Farrell feels Schwarzenneggar's long-distance bitch slap and cries like a little girl.
2. "This is the cheek where Tookie kissed me. I'll never wash it again."
3. "No, seriously, if I don't wear a sports bra, they hang down to here."
4. Mike Farrell is not prepared for the intensity of his first Altoid, and cries like a little girl.
5. "No, you can not save Tookie by storing enough nuts in your cheek to get him through the long, cold, winter. Focus, Mike!"
6. "That buck can put his nuts in my cheek anytime," Andrew Sullivan replied.
7. (Really, Really, Really ORA) - Pete and Julie knew they'd soon have to stage an intervention about Linc's steroid abuse.
8. "Why doesn't he call me? I feel so used." Mike Farrell then threw himself on the bed and cried like a little girl.
9. "Wow! Four blades really does make a difference. I can't wait to use it on my butt."
10. "What if we're wrong?" The sign says. Get a clue. You're liberals. You're always wrong.
Best of Submariner
Tookie deserves clemen - >SLAP! - SLAP!< - Thanks! I needed that!"
I guess Tokkie is now enjoying his 72 smelly pirate hookers...
Wow! I coulda had a V-8!
No, seriously. EVERYthing about that man was big. The family jewels were like this!
Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
SNL decides to re-run the popular skit "The Dark Side with Nat X", despite unfounded rumors of Chris Rock's steroid abuse.
Best of sonicfrog
Mike Farrell realizes the state of California has just destroyed a potential wildlife habitat -- Tookie William's Fro!
Best of Van Helsing
It finally sinks in to Farrell that he has had his last conjugal visit with Tookie. But at least there's still the farm at Enumclaw.
Best of Son Of The Godfather
You think they called me "B.J." Hunnicut for something else?... Man, that hurt my cheek!
"You mean no one really cares what a washed-up, second-rate actor thinks?!?... What the hell have we become?"
"Arnold has denied clemency?... Get Geena Davis on the phone, NOW!"
Best of Kevin Walker
"Sod off swampy!" Elton John cries. "I saw him first!"
Best of Occasional Reader
Mike Farrell is stunned by the realization that not even wearing his off-centered "BUT WHAT IF WE'RE WRONG?" micro-miniskirt made any difference in the end.
"You see? Making fun of your victim's choking noises isn't all that bad. Look, Mike's choking right now, and *I'm* making fun of him."
Photo: (AP Photo/Dino Vournas)