1. She would soon learn why trying to seduce the tooth fairy was a complete waste of time.
2. "Now, why would my cowboy husband need to run out for pudding at 3:00 a.m.?"
3. ... Then the cheap clock radio flipped to 6:00 a.m. and began playing "I Got You Babe?" and Osama's niece woke up to face Groundhog Day again.
4. "Dear Penthouse, I am the writer of a modestly successful captioning weblog, and I never thought this would happen to me..."
5. "She's perfect!" Jake Gyllenhall gushed. "That's just exactly what I want to look like."
6. Hollywood did okay with its gay cowboy movie, but Howard Stern's movie about hot strippers coming to terms with their same-sex attractions outgrossed Titanic.
7. Throw in Angelina Jolie and some melted cheese, and you got yourself a fromage a trois.
8. You wouldn't kick that out of bed for eating crackers. Hell, she could yodel in her sleep and you wouldn't care.
Best of Rodney Dill
Looking for Mr. Good-Akbar
Best of jeff
Dear Ann Coulter, I beg to report that I have discovered the legs used by Time Magazine for their cover story on you....
Best of Van Helsing
A moment later, Osama's niece demonstrated why you should never wear spike heels on a waterbed.
Best of Divine Miss M
It would be most dishonorable for a Klingon woman to even consider smiling in the presence of a warrior.
Best of sonicfrog
...and if you want her to bad? She'll be REAL bad. Trust me. It's in her genes...
Best of Robert
Just as he undressed, she pulled the pin on her suicide bomber feather boa.
Best of Submariner
Mid-east cuisine tip: Falafel tacos.