Friday, December 16, 2005

The Purple Finger of Baghdad

1. "Oh this? I ran into Nancy Pelosi outside, and she told me the war was hopeless and we couldn't win. So, I stabbed my finger into her chest and ripped out her heart, which pumps not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through her rotten veins and clots in her pea-sized brain which becomes the cause of her Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior."

2. At a White House ceremony honoring the beloved McDonaldland character Grimmis for his humanitarian works, a private nurse explains how she assists the children's icon, now 78 and battling with Alzheimer's, with his bowel movements.

3. "You gonna eat that?"

4. But Bush heeded the advice of the old Irish song, "She'll want you to sample the fruit of her loins/But, son, it will taste like some old rusty coins..." and gently pushed her hand aside.

5. "You know, there are better ways to stay thin."

6. "It's cute when foreigners screw these things up. You're supposed to use your thumb to pull out the plumb."

7. "Yeah, Dick Cheney may be old, but he has a prostate like solid titanium."

8. Warned in advance about the President's finger pulling fetish, Serena took the promotion of coating hers with 30-Weight Motor oil.

9. "Does this bug you, Mr. President? I'm not touching you."

10. Serena indicates the number of Democrats that she would like to thank for bringing Democracy to her country.

(Kevin Lamarque/Reuters)

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Wait a minute, I don't know where that finger's been."

AM42 said...

"Damn, girl... when your nose starts to bleed like that, it's a good idea to stop picking."

AM42 said...

"Just hold on a second, Senena. When you offered to give me a Dirty Sanchez, I thought you were talking about lunch at Taco Bell."

AM42 said...

"No, you got it wrong there, sweetie. The shocker is made like this..."

Van Helsing said...

"Hillary cornered me in the Ladies Room and forced me to do it. She's learned a lot from her husband's style of governing. I didn't realize she was still young enough to, you know... — although judging by the color, the blood might be from some kind of infection..."

Jonathan said...

"My English is, how you say...broken? I thought Sen. Clinton said she wanted an 'Annual Probe'!"

Prough91 said...

Now that's what I call stink finger.