Sunday, December 25, 2005

Merry Christmas

1. "We're satanists now! Blood Orgy! Blood Orgy!"

2. "Yeah, gramps, good to see you, whatever. All I know is, there better be a gawdamm PSP under the tree or I know some grown-ups who are gonna be spending a happy farkin' holiday with He Who Walks Behind the Corn."

3. "Look, Daddy. Teacher says every time a bell rings, a smelly pirate hooker gets the clap."

4. "It's a Wonderful life? Prove it!"

5. "Merry Christmas, movie house! Merry Christmas, Emporium! Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Triple XXX Theater with glory holes in the men's room."

6. "I wouldn't be lighting any Advent candles around grandpa. I can smell the JD on his breath from here."

7. "Well, screw you intolerant hicks. I'm moving to Fire Island."

8. And then the family gathered around grandpa to hear the traditional belching of 'Silent Night.'

9. "Aw, you children look so happy. Too bad this will be the last Christmas ever because Santa died."

10. "Hey, do the rest of you see the singing and dancing turd in the toilet bowl, or am I still tripping?"

Best of ColoradoPatriot
The Baileys gather 'round while Uncle Billy tries to explain how he lost the deposit and drove Daddy to the brink of suicide. Moments later, Zuzu gnashes his testicles into hamburge while Janie plays "Hark!, The Herald Angels Sing" on the piano.

Best of Van Helsing
"Every time you hear a bell, a zombie drags a soul to hell."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Don't worry we'll get all the money back I invested it in Enron Stock"

For some obscure reason, Uncle Billy's recitation of the Theory of Relativity did not make the final cut.

Kid at Bottom: "Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up eating crayons."

Best of bubbalove
Look Daddy, teacher says every time a bell rings, a Democrat goes to burn in hell.

Best of Cybrludite
Sing along everyone!

"O Yog Sothoth, O Yog Sothoth,
We worship you, O Yog Sothoth.
Who's Santa Claus, who's Jesus Christ?
We worship Yog 'cause he's not nice.

We'll celebrate with some stray dog,
Which we'll carve up and serve to Yog.
O Yog Sothoth, O Yog Sothoth...
We beg you, do not eat us."

(Lyrics from www.tomsmithonline.com)

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Festivities halted abruptly when Mr.Potter's bloodied body was discovered in the bank vault and George Bailey was booked on murder charges.

"Now we mustn't reference 'angels', dear ZuZu, as that implies a belief system which may offend our Bedford Falls Chapter of the ACLU."

Where the hell's my flux capacitor? The Delorean only has room for 1, maybe 2 passengers.

Best of Submariner
Things livened up when Uncle Billy announced, "Violet's still got it, and I gave it to her again last night for a fin!"

"Stand back while I whip this out..."

27 comments:

ColoradoPatriot said...

The Baileys gather 'round while Uncle Billy tries to explain how he lost the deposit and drove Daddy to the brink of suicide. Moments later, Zuzu gnashes his testicles into hamburge while Janie plays "Hark!, The Herald Angels Sing" on the piano.

Van Helsing said...

ORA: "Every time you hear a bell, a zombie drags a soul to hell."

Chevy Rose said...

#3 is true, thanks NEA. Sure don't want any little children believing in anything "Godly".

Rodney Dill said...

"Don't worry we'll get all the money back I invested it in Enron Stock"

Rodney Dill said...

The whole family stood in awe that Uncle Billy had enough brain cells to continue to breathe.

Rodney Dill said...

For some obscure reason, Uncle Billy's recitation of the Theory of Relativity did not make the final cut.

Rodney Dill said...

I always so enjoy a Christmas
naivety set



(yes I didn't mean nativity)

Rodney Dill said...

Kid at Bottom: "Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up eating crayons."

Rodney Dill said...

Uncle Billy: "When Mr. Happy gets hard, the brain gets soft."
George: "...better seek immediate medical attention."

bubbalove said...

Look Daddy, teacher says every time a bell rings, a Democrat goes to burn in hell.

Cybrludite said...

Sing along everyone!

"O Yog Sothoth, O Yog Sothoth,
We worship you, O Yog Sothoth.
Who's Santa Claus, who's Jesus Christ?
We worship Yog 'cause he's not nice.

We'll celebrate with some stray dog,
Which we'll carve up and serve to Yog.
O Yog Sothoth, O Yog Sothoth...
We beg you, do not eat us."

(Lyrics from www.tomsmithonline.com)

Son Of The Godfather said...

Donna Reed, Uber-MILF.

(SOTG unimportant factoid: One of my faves... Have this photo on my wall with a note from Karolyn Grimes (ZuZu) to me written on it! :)

Son Of The Godfather said...

Festivities halted abruptly when Mr.Potter's bloodied body was discovered in the bank vault and George Bailey was booked on murder charges.

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Now we mustn't reference 'angels', dear ZuZu, as that implies a belief system which may offend our Bedford Falls Chapter of the ACLU."

Son Of The Godfather said...

Hmmmmm... Christmas through the ages...

Back then: Wholesome movie about a single person's relevance and importance to others. American and family values abound.
Now: Gay cowboy "hole"some movie about man-on-man sheepherder love. Hollywierd and lefty values abound.

Where the hell's my flux capacitor? The Delorean only has room for 1, maybe 2 passengers.

Cybrludite said...

SOTG,

Yeah, but what sort of internet connection would you have back then?

Submariner said...

Cybr and SOTG,

Sign me up. I'll take the former values and lack of "labor-saving devices" over the pc crowd and rampant anti-America msm that we have today...

Submariner said...

What's that Uncle Billy? Grandma got run over by a reindeer?

Submariner said...

Things livened up when Uncle Billy announced, "Violet's still got it, and I gave it to her again last night for a fin!"

Submariner said...

Burt the Cop took one look at Tommy in his Santa mask and stopped the celebration abruptly by arresting him for the "Kris Kringle burglaries."

Son Of The Godfather said...

Cybr & Sub - I guess I'd show my hypocrisy if I state that I would gladly go back to a more wholesome time and trade in my internet... if it weren't for the loss of easy-access porn?

heh.

Submariner said...

Uncle Billy made a spectacle when he sobbed, "Thank you George! ZuZu is exactly what I wanted for Christmas! Is it time to unwrap our presents now?"

Submariner said...

SOTG, RE your first - gotta agree that Donna Reed is the Uber MILF.

Submariner said...

Uncle Billy - "So... How 'bout you two old biddies, me and a crow having a good time in my nest?"

Submariner said...

Not-so-Obscure RA:

Stand back while I whip this out...

Submariner said...

Well whaddaya know? George Bush does care about forgetful, boozed up, old, blue-state lech's!

What's that, old Building and Loan pal? This is from Kerry? Crap!

Submariner said...

Everything was wonderful - then Mary screamed "Tawanda!" pulled out a sledge hammer and began bashing Uncle Billy with it.