Sunday, November 06, 2005

Your Weekend Serving of Hometown Americana

1. "So, Lorraine, what's it like having sex with a Negro?"

2. "Hey, that sign about 'employees must wash hands,' does that mean, like, every time?"

3. "Oh, sure, it's easy for you. You don't hear their little apple voices screaming, 'Mommy, why are you doing this to us?'"

4. "I disagree, Doris. There is no such thing as too much valium."

5. "I like my apples like I like my men... white and seedy!"

6. "Lorraine, I'm pretty sure peeling them in a litterbox is a health code violation."

7. Two minutes later, with the peeler punched into her stomach to the handle, Lorraine would realize that 'Pass the paper towels, bitch' was the wrong choice of words when Doris was PMSing.

8. "Last night was incredible, but I'm still glad that the fleet's only in once every six months. I'm going to be walking bow-legged for a week!"

9. "And then the little shit says, 'Please sir.... I'd like some more,' and the master kicked his orphan ass. I laughed so hard I almost puked."

10. "So, Lorraine, any chance I could get you to slip out of that hairnet and get to know ya?"

Best of catbat
"Doris, have I ever told you how much I love... pie?" "So many times, Lorraine, that I'm beyond creeped out and movin' in on curious."

Best of Bubbalove
"How many apples did the coven leader say to peel for the cauldron? Honestly, I don't know how anyone thinks we can actually cook up something powerful enough to take the ugly off Sister Sheehan."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Bored by her mundane lifestyle, Lorraine unexpectedly rotates the apple spinner 180 degrees and has her own little private party.

Yeah, you know where I got this.

11 comments:

Divine Miss M said...

"You know me Lorraine, I'd sooner die than gossip, but why did I see you stop on the way home from church for 100 feet of garden hose and a chicken salad sandwich?"

ColoradoPatriot said...

"Okay, Lorraine. The body's almost covered. Peelings from a few more bushels ought to do it. Then we can take it out to back and bury it."

catbat said...

"doris, have i ever told you how much i love... pie?"

"so many times, lorraine, that i'm so beyond creeped out i'm curious."

Greta (Hooah Wife) said...

#6 has me peeing my pants!

Bubbalove said...

"How many apples did the coven leader say to peel for the cauldron? Honestly, I don't know how anyone thinks we can actually cook up something powerful enough to take the ugly off Sister Sheehan."

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Ladies! Hows about we move this operation to my place and I'll show you how to make applesauce the Quagmire way! Giggidy Giggidy!"

Son Of The Godfather said...

Inspired by V's #5:
"I like my rotten apples like I like my Helen Thomas... Unsightly and full of worms."

Son Of The Godfather said...

Bored by her mundane lifestyle, Lorraine unexpectedly rotates the apple spinner 180 degrees and has her own little private party.

Son Of The Godfather said...

"So the ACLU wants to keep any reference to 'God' out of the pledge of allegiance... Not long before they come after us moms AND apple pie too... I swear ta' God, Madge, I'm a Christian woman, but I'd be first in line to give these *ssholes a Sicilian necktie."

Son Of The Godfather said...

10 years later:
Thelma and Louise if they hadn't driven over that cliff at the end of the movie.

Son Of The Godfather said...

"That reminds me, Madge... Are you almost done with my Megadeth album?"