Monday, November 07, 2005

Woeful Beyond Belief*

* I could not improve upon the original headline from the Detroit News.

1. The Lions have decided it's just less humiliating to assume the position and have the opposing team sodomize them during the first quarter.

2. "Man, I am never buying gas station sushi again."

3. "Oh, mercy, look at me! Two hits of ecstasy and I'm anybody's bitch."

4. "It's all thanks to you. Give me five, my little ant friend."

5. "Okay! Okay! I love Big Brother! I love Big Brother! Now, get this rat out of my helmet."

6. "A half-time enema is in my contract. Now, send me the waterboy."

7. "... and then the End Zone spike ricocheted and caught him right in the jewels. It was the funniest thing I ever saw."

8. Where will you be when your laxative kicks in?

9. Harrington collapses in laughter after finally getting the joke about the Oiler who nailed the Cowboy from behind.

10. It's okay Joey, just one last quarter separates you from a nice long shower and a locker room full of hunky, naked men.

Best of Divine Miss M
We're not worthy! We're not worthy!

'Scuse me, while I snort this line!

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"'Fluctuations!' ... So the Oriental says angrily: 'Yeah? Well fluc you Canadians, too!'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, that kills me every time!"

Inspired by Rufus Leaking
Harrington's conversion to Islam didn't help the Lions at all. Next stop, Scientology.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"YOU MANIACS. YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!"

"Hold up everybody! I want to hear that idiot from the picture below mutilate his scrotum on the broken glass!"

Best of Kevin Walker
"What was it like at the bath house? Well, I was bent over like this, and I had my hand on his ass like this, and then... Wait, nobody is recording this, right?"

24 comments:

Divine Miss M said...

We're not worthy! We're not worthy!

Divine Miss M said...

'Scuse me, while I kiss this line!

Jonathan said...

"HA-ha-ha! So the Oriental says 'What's up with that?', to which the Canadian replies...'Fluctuations!'

So the Oriental says angrily: 'Yeah? Well fluc you Canadians, too!'

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, that kills me every time!"

catbat said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
catbat said...

the only meager comfort he could come up with was "at least we're not the packers."

[now, i retreat to my shadowy corner of wisconsin and silently weep.]

Rufus Leaking said...

Harrington converted to Islam and now faces east five times a day.

Son Of The Godfather said...

Harrington snaps:
"What a good invisible puppy! What a good invisible boy!"

Son Of The Godfather said...

The irony of his jersey number matching the number of turnovers he caused, Harrington collapses in a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

Son Of The Godfather said...

"And THEN, we moved the porta-potties to the 50-yard line and they came out wondering what the hell happened! HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

Son Of The Godfather said...

"YOU MANIACS. YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!"

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Hold up everybody! I want to hear that idiot from the picture below mutilate his scrotum on the broken glass!"

Son Of The Godfather said...

Andrew Sullivan's choice of lawn ornaments is very revealing.

Son Of The Godfather said...

The unscripted halftime performance had Harrington singing (perhaps pleading) James Brown's "Please, Please, Please" to a mystified crowd. Two teammates then covered him with a cape and escorted him off the field.

Son Of The Godfather said...

Proof by logic:
Lions are felines.
Felines are pussycats.
Therefore,
Lions are pussies.

Son Of The Godfather said...

Pounding the field as he speaks:
"I gotta REMEMBER to put my CUP on right side UP!"

sonicfrog said...

Damned It! I just can't concentrate. What did that half-human half-robot bitch do to me last night (see "Naked Lefty Saturday" below)?

Kevin Walker said...

"And I had my hand on his ass like this, and then... Wait, someone is recording this, right?"

or

Harington collapses in horror as the Jumbo-tron plays clips from his stay at Fire Island.

Kevin Walker said...

Desprite to get his coke fix, Harington secretly replaced the sideline with coke, which was secretly replaced with itching powder. Let's see if he notices.

Van Helsing said...

Now I know why people in Michigan call them the Lie-Downs.

ColoradoPatriot said...

I'm presuming from his reaction that Kobe, alas, was not open after all.

catbat said...

being a lion that bad? don't worry, buddy. the way the season's going, the pack's in an awesome place to draft you right up next year!

[once again, the humor is cleverly disguised beneath deep bitterness and masochism.]

Cybrludite said...

This score just in from the Colloseum: Christians 21, Lions 0

Cybrludite said...

And for everyone else kvetching about their teams: I'm in New Orleans. Not only does our team suck, they're owned by Captain Queeg!

Submariner said...

"Susquahanna Helmets? I had a cousin that worked at Susquahanna Helmet company."

"Slowly I turned. Step by step..."