Saturday, November 12, 2005

Saturday Morning Zen

1. "And after I caught him whacking off to that French newswhore, I cut his balls off and put them in this jar."

2. We could always tell when grandma was off her meds because she'd fill a jar with Lemon Joy and tell us it was her famous Citrus Jam.

3. "Now, just burn this whenever you hit the bong and the kids will never be the wiser."

4. "It's an authentic jar of Howard Hughes's urine. I bought it from a nice young man on eBay."

5. (continuing from #4). "I'll get the glasses."

6. "This patchouli scented candle will bring back warm memories of the sixties and Woodstock. Like the time we double-teamed Jimi Hendryx and got the clap."

7. "I told you what I'd do to your cat if I found him in my bougainvillea again. Here's what's left of him... bitch."

8. "Here you go. Good thing your company gives 24 hour notification before a urine test, isn't it?"

9. "Here's the SemTex. Now, remember to yell 'Allah Akhbar' before you detonate yourself in the Wal-Mart."

10. "Yo, Betty. I'm up here. Stop staring at my breasts."


Best of Rufus Leaking
Really? You had liposuction? This used to be your thighs?

Soylent YELLOW? Never heard of it - what's it made out of?

Best of WALSTIB
Just tell your grandson you got your hands on some primo Lebanese hash and you don't have any interest to make him lunch. He'll understand.
Rufus Leaking said...

Best of Chip
Now that we have the insurance money we can spread his ashes in the cat box.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"God, I hope this 'chin-in-a-can' works!"

It may have been the peach schnapps, but Helen's projectile vomiting on Madge would become the story at future bridge parties.

Best of ColoradoPatriot
"Those nice cowboys from down the road brought us this pudding!"

"Is it a floor-wax? Is it a sandwich spread? Oh Margie, why decide?"

"Now look here, Mayor Newsome. We're getting married to this bottle of kitchen grease, and you're gonna sign the papers!"

"Just remember, Margie: Use counter-clockwise circles when applying. Now, the areolae will burn for a couple minutes, but Harold can blow on them to cool them down...that's part of the fun!"

Best of Submariner
I've been keeping the Ben-Wah's in the pickle jar ever since the grandkids found 'em in the nightstand. I explained that they're "pickled eggs" and the kids won't touch 'em anymore.

Yeah, from way out here.

20 comments:

Rufus Leaking said...

Pheremones? Just what are they supposed to do? Well, if a little is good, then a lot must be better!

Rufus Leaking said...

Really? You had liposuction? This used to be your thighs?

Anonymous said...

Just tell your grandson you got your hands on some primo Lebanese hash and you don't have any interest to make him lunch. He'll understand.
-WALSTIB

Bubbalove said...

What!? This is the apple potion the sisters from the cafeteria concocted? Piss on Sheehan and the peace freaks, let's us be young and beautiful! We'll smoke some of my grandsons' best weed, do some 'shrooms and bang the first sailor we can get our hands on! YEEHAAAA!

Van Helsing said...

"It's called adipocere, and it does wonders for wrinkles."

Rufus Leaking said...

Soylent YELLOW? Never heard of it - what's it made out of?

Chip said...

Now that we have the insurance money we can spread his ashes in the cat box.

Son Of The Godfather said...

"God, I hope this 'chin-in-a-can' works!"

(Nice one, rufus leaking! ;)

Son Of The Godfather said...

It may have been the peach schnapps, but Helen's projectile vomiting on Madge would become the story at future bridge parties.

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Oh... you got me... a candle... that's... so... great... So, how's that diamond necklace I got you working out?"

ColoradoPatriot said...

"Mmm! It does smell like pumice."

ColoradoPatriot said...

"Those nice cowboys from down the road brought us this pudding!"

ColoradoPatriot said...

"Is it a floor-wax? Is it a sandwich spread? Oh Margie, why decide?"

ColoradoPatriot said...

"And this one is 'Our Lady of Chappaqua'. Light it when Harold can't keep his hands off the neighbor girls"

ColoradoPatriot said...

"Now look here, Mayor Newsome. We're getting married to this bottle of kitchen grease, and you're gonna sign the papers!"

ColoradoPatriot said...

"Just remember, Margie: Use counter-clockwise circles when applying. Now, the areolae will burn for a couple minutes, but Harold can blow on them to cool them down...that's part of the fun!"

ColoradoPatriot said...

"Hm, yes, Margie. I agree. That is an incredibly large amount of puss. Even for you."

ColoradoPatriot said...

"So you're saying all of this came from the folds in your neck skin? Fascinating!"

Submariner said...

I've been keeping the Ben-Wah's in the pickle jar ever since the grandkids found 'em in the nightstand. I explained that they're "pickled eggs" and the kids won't touch 'em anymore.

Son Of The Godfather said...

Jane Hathaway of The Beverly Hillbillies and Edna Garrett of The Facts of Life found it difficult to conceal their little... "friendship".