Monday, November 28, 2005

Moonbat, Thunder Thighs, and an Empty Room

1. In retroscpect, it was probably a mistake to limit the audience to sane and normal members of the Peace Movement.

2. The crowd would have been bigger, but they were all at the Crawford Wal-Mart rioting over ninety-nine cent patchouli.

3. "Actually, Mother Sheehan, those aren't AP photographers. The Dexatrim Corporation wanted photos of your thighs for research purposes. Hence, the wide-angle lens."

4. "I'm so bored. Anybody got a lighter so I can light up that flag?"

5. "Dammit! Al Franken promised the entire Air America listening audience would show up for my signing! Where are they?"

6. "Agence-France Press? No ma'am, we're here from Dark Meat Monthly, it's fetish mag for men who are into thunder thighs."

7. "Okay, next time I'll shower before the book signing."

8. Cindy Sheehan's Mad-Libs are always the same: "A BushHitler is always fun to visit on a hot summer BushHitler. There are lots of BushHitlery things to eat. You can start off with a hot dog with mustard, relish, and BushHitlers. Then, it's time to go on the roller coaster, which should settle your BushHitler. Other amusement park rides are the Dodge-Em which has little BushHitlers, that you drive and run into other BushHitlers, and the Merry-Go-Round where you can sit on a big BushHitler and try to grab the gold BushHitler as you ride past."

1. Look at those skinny little white pens. Damn, I miss Reverend Al.

2. I bet I could do some killer lines on this table.

3. "Sharpies are pretty good, but airplane glue, that's your Lexus of all inhalants."

4. The bar graph of the declining number of people who give a sh*t about Cindy Sheehan was a particularly cruel touch.

5. Cindy Sheehan:Not One More Mother's Child, Chapter One: "I resolved to end the love affair with Revered Al tonight . . . summarily, like Martha Stewart ripping the sand vein out of a shrimp's tail . . . though the term "love affair" now struck me as a ridiculous euphemism . . . not unlike "sand vein," which is after all an intestine, not a vein . . . and that tarry substance inside certainly isn't sand . . . and that brought me back to Reverend Al."

Best of lawhawk
Damn, where's my assistant with the the frickin' Cheetos. And my Evian water. And my M&Ms, with the green ones picked out. Those give me the willies.

Best of sonicfrog
Cindy Sheehan. Meet Andy Worhol.

Best of evariste
"Rove's did what?!" "Enormous 'Job Fair & Free Shower' banners, you say?"

Best of The Man
Is someone serving yellowcake at this party?

Best of Submariner
I haven't seen crowds like this since the second night of Gigli!

Nothin, nothin... Just kicking back, workin up a yeast infection. You?

Actually, this has been the quietest stay on my adventure! How I long for the chatter and exuberance of the ANWAR! Your travelogue photographer, -- The Roving Gnome

Best of AlphaMu42
Reporters to Cindy: "We were told there would be punch and pie..."

Best of TC Lynch
"I'll sign your Willy for a Finn ... No, wait...come back!"

Best of Anonymous
"Nobody knows, the trouble I haven't seen, nobody knows my sorrow..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Cindy was warned that any competing news of even moderate interest would affect the turnout... "F*ck you, George Takei!", she thought to herself.

Just outside the tent entrance: Nelson Muntz: "HA HA!"

Jean-Paul Sartre: "Hell is other people." Cindy Sheehan: "Where the hell are all the other people?"

Hat Tip: Sweetness and Light

59 comments:

Divine Miss M said...

Low turnout was later blamed on the convention center down the street hosting its annual convention for Left-handed Lesbians of Color with a Fondness for Curry.

lawhawk said...

Damn, where's my assistant with the the frickin' Cheetos. And my Evian water.

And my M&Ms, with the green ones picked out. Those give me the willies.

sonicfrog said...

I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me! I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me! I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and... oh f**k it, I'm going home.

sonicfrog said...

Cindy Sheehan. Meet Andy Worhol.

evariste said...

-"What do you mean, it's not fifty minutes of fame?"

-"Rove's did what?!"
"Enormous 'Job Fair & Free Shower' banners, you say?"

evariste said...

You expect us to drive to Texas on Black Friday, the biggest shopping day of the year?! Wal·Mart has laptops for four hundred bucks, shyah!

Alternate version:
Sorry, Mother Sheehan, it was Buy Nothing Day yesterday so we couldn't buy gas to drive to Texas.

The Man said...

Is someone serving yellowcake at this party?

Submariner said...

Cindy finally realizes she could have gotten by on just the one freebie pen from the Holiday Inn - and not have run out of ink unless the photog stole it...

Submariner said...

Shiznit, SOTG! I thought you said "reformed smelly pirate hookers" were in this tent...

Submariner said...

An aircraft carrier came back after a 9 month deployment with no port calls and I didn't get a single taker! I'm so depressed, but I can always count on Jesse and Al, can't I?

(crickets chirping...)

Submariner said...

I haven't seen crowds like this since the second night of Gigli!

Submariner said...

There's just no other answer. The jooooooooos must be keeping my fans from me.

Submariner said...

Maybe we should have served something other than tofurkey, wheat germ and bean sprouts?

evariste said...

Rove's operatives spread a rumor that the Bush twins were avoiding mom and dad to go flash their tits at a Girls Gone Wild party a couple of towns over.

Submariner said...

"I just need to make a fast trip to town for supplies..." Town? New York is a city! Oh Al; come back to me!

evariste said...

I tried to make a Gigle crack too, Submariner, but couldn't make it work :-)

Submariner said...

evariste. The press showed up the first night, but after that... Cindy's undies and Teddy's car were both more popular entertainment sites ;-)

evariste said...

Apparently I can't spell Gigli :-)

"Hello, Maureen Dowd? Maybe if we did a joint book signing we could draw a bigger crowd. With your brains and my looks..."

Submariner said...

Nothin, nothin... Just kicking back, workin up a yeast infection. You?

Submariner said...

Actually, this has been the quietest stay on my adventure! How I long for the chatter and exuberance of the ANWAR! Your travelogue photographer,

The Roving Gnome

Submariner said...

Hey, I gotta idea! Somebody get that ginger-haired, pumpkin-shirted, boy over here. Maybe we can get attention if we work up a "Bush lied and children were abused" angle...

Submariner said...

(inspired by evariste)

Hello, Mo? This is Cindy. Can I borrow your red pumps? Al doesn't seem to be as interested as he once was...

Submariner said...

hmmmmmmmm.

Doesn't appear to be anyone left that's "stuck on stupid."

evariste said...

"Nothin, nothin... Just kicking back, workin up a yeast infection. You?"-ROFL! Submariner, best one yet.

Submariner said...

Democrats were first asked to demonstrate their support for the anti-war, brings-the-troops-home-now movement by simply being present at Cindy Sheehan's booksigning on the Capital Mall...

AM42 said...

Cindy begins to regret not booking either the "Breasts not Bombs" girls or the inflated scrotum guy for this event.

AM42 said...

Reporters to Cindy:
"We were told there would be punch and pie..."

Howie said...

lol

TC said...

"I'll sign your Willy for a Finn."

"No, wait...come back!"

Submariner said...

'Ow to speak Awstraylyan: Ass-hat

Anonymous said...

"Nobody knows, the trouble I haven't seen, nobody knows my sorrow..."

bubbalove said...

Cindy longingly looks at the table where she, Al and Jesse had that hot three-way a few weeks before. Maybe if she brought along TWO bottles of Courvoisier next time they'd let her join in sooner...

Submariner said...

Insert KFC caption relating to left wings, no breasts and monstrous thighs here:

Joyce said...

"But I got all dressed up and got my helmut, er...I mean my hair done and everything!" Cindy rues having to waste her beauty efforts on the no-show crowd.

Rachel said...

Note to self: "Don't forget to look sad and sincere when my sycophant media fans get here"

Anonymous said...

Note to self, next time don't try and stretch it to 16 minutes.

Son Of The Godfather said...

Cindy was warned that any competing news of even moderate interest would affect the turnout... "F*ck you, George Takei!", she thought to herself.

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Now I know my son died for a noble cause," Ms. Sheehan informed the media, "and that noble cause was for me to whore my orchestrated feelings for a buck or two."

(yeah, it's mean, but I'm sick of this opportunistic America-hater... Now she's using her son's sacrifice as a commercial)

Son Of The Godfather said...

Note to Cindy:
Next time you mail out flyers for your event, make sure the mail-guy ain't a Rove operative.

Son Of The Godfather said...

Cindy claims to have sold over 100 copies of her book...
Question: Did the reporters buy 50 each, or did Cindy spring for a third of them?

Son Of The Godfather said...

Well, she claims to speak for the dead... Looks like the tent was crowded with 'em.

Son Of The Godfather said...

ORA:
Bueller... Bueller...

Son Of The Godfather said...

Ms. Sheehan, pictured here, shows dismay over the realization that nobody seems to care anymore...


...about her.

Son Of The Godfather said...

Is this a scene from Breaking Bonaduce?
That little Danny Partridge didn't end up well.

Son Of The Godfather said...

Next step in the fleeting-fame category: The Surreal Life

Son Of The Godfather said...

Just outside the tent entrance:
Nelson Muntz: "HA HA!"

Son Of The Godfather said...

Would have been prophetic if she was signing copies of the "Left Behind" series.

Son Of The Godfather said...

Funny: No one showing for Cindy's book signing.
Funnier: Misplaced joy when someone finally enters only to ask "Do you sell blueberries, or just vegetables in here?"
Funniest: Cindy having to pack up all the chairs and tent by herself.

Son Of The Godfather said...

ORA:
Milton: "I'm just gonna...burn the building down."

Son Of The Godfather said...

Thought bubble:
"Eh... Still beats getting a job."

Son Of The Godfather said...

Thought bubble:
"Damn, you'd think I'd have the 'moral authority' to draw at least a person to play cribbage with."

Son Of The Godfather said...

Amazon.com Sales Rank: #9,899 in Books...

As a guess, Amazon sells 9,900 titles.
(Al Franken's gotta take a space too)

Son Of The Godfather said...

Kind of hard to show up for an event when the flyer shows the address as "Ditch with circus tent in Crawford".

Son Of The Godfather said...

Jean-Paul Sartre: "Hell is other people."
Cindy Sheehan: "Where the hell are all the other people?"

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Well I didn't earn any dough, but at least I have my vacation home in Smurfville to retire to..."

Anonymous said...

American patriot Cindy Sheehan waits for an honest word to come out of a Republican mouth.

Son Of The Godfather said...

...And "Anonymous" forgets the /sarcasm tag...

Dodger said...

Kisses: 50 cents...60 cents with tongue

City Troll said...

Where have all the flowers gone Koombiahhhhhh

humming of course