1. "That'll teach the little bastard to blow off dinner with me and suck bong."
2. "That'll teach the little snatch not to come whorin' around this part of Aruba!"
3. "Oh, look, another human tooth. I should know better than to buy mulch from the Gambinos, but, oh Hell."
4. "That 67 year old stud next door better be looking. I didn't wedge my ass into these tight jeans for nothing!"
5. "I must've forgot my hormones again. The stoners are mistaking me for Jerry Garcia."
6. "Damn DEA. That was a primo crop of Maui Wowie they just tore up."
7. Edna really spoils her cat.
8. "Abner, I hate to do this. You were a good husband to me for 55 years. But, the medical college pays good for human corpses, and I got Bingo debts."
9. "Maybe a few land mines will keep that six-year-old brat and his stuffed tiger outta my marigolds."
10. "Someone should have learned you kids that hitch-hiking was dangerous. Never know what kind a psycho is going to kidnap you, subject you to days of psycho-sexual torment, than bury your dismembered corpses in a State Park. Well, good-bye."
Best o' Chip
Riiiiiiii - iiiiiip!
Best o' ColoradoPatriot
"Rake? No rake for me! The Devil, I tell you. That's where rakes come from!"
"Dress up like Bea Arthur and clean up the lawn by hand. Man, being a Sigma Chi is going to rock, but I'll be glad when pledgeship is over."
Best o' Son Of The Godfather
Howard Dean's Grandma: "First, I'm gonna plant some squash! ...then I'm gonna plant some corn! ...then I'm gonna plant some zuchinni!... YEEEEEARGH!"
"Dammit, I know I buried my candle-jar/weed-holder out here somewhere! The only other people who know about it are Madge and Hel... SON OF A B*TCH!"
Best o' Submariner
As she finished packing the fresh earthen mound, Mikulski whispered under her breath, "I warned you Harriet - steal just one more of my ensembles..."
After witnessing Errol's transformation, Claire frantically pawed through the mulch looking for a can to kick.
Best o' Bubbalove
Way down in south Louisiana, Granma Bodreaux spreads new mulch over what's left of that two-timin' Granpa Bodreaux as she thinks about that fat insurance check. Yes, Katrina was a blessing for some....
My hometown newspaper is clearly onto me.