Monday, November 28, 2005

Law and Order: Genocidal Dictators Unit

1. "Dang, I thought I was a drama queen, but Sam Waterston chews scenery like Michael Moore chews McRibs."

2. "My legal team and I plead absolutely, 100% not guilty to the charge of stealing tablecloths from Mama Lucia's Italian Cafe."

3. "I'm out of order! You're out of order! The Whole System is out of order! The candy machine by the elevator is out of order!"

4. "... and I want it read into the record that this beard makes me look exactly like Burt Reynolds in Boogie Nights."

5. "... and I demand that spectators stop throwing rings at my counsel's head! This is a trial, not a midway game!"

6. "... and if you do not find me innocent, I will have all of you thrown into plastic shredders!" With those words, Saddam concluded what CNN would call "a forceful and defiant opening statement."

7. "Aggravated Saddam-y... what the Hell kind of charge is... It's what? ... Never mind."

8. The turning point in the trial proved to be when Saddam got Dottie Hinkle to break down and spew obscenities from the Witness stand. (ORA-?)

Best of Vonski
"Oh, you like my pocket square? Thanks! Actually, it's a pair of panties Cindy Sheehan wore once and sent to me as a show of 'solidarity'."

Best of jeanne
If Little Miss Muffet can kill Kurds, why can't I?

Best of AlphaMu42
"I am not going to pay a lot for this muffler!"

Best of bubbalove
"...and then I convinced Satan that I had changed and the fool had sex with me again! Hahahaaa! And then..and then I killed Kenny, and another kid called me a bastard, and some fat kid yelled 'Barbra Streisand' and zapped me with energy, HAHAHA"

Best of joyce
"I must protest...the American dogs only gave me enough hair dye to cover my head. But what about my BEARD? What about my BEARD!!!!"

Best of Cybrludite
Saddam: Ok, which one of my defense lawyers just goosed me? I want him shot immediately!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I request that the press not publish or manipulate private notes I write to my counsel... including requests to go pee-pee."

ORA: "There's money in the banana stand."

Things to do when you're bored: Scroll your mouse over the picture and there's a little hand icon... Now you are free to pick Saddam's nose.

Best of Submariner
ORA: I have two sides fighting within me. The good Saddam says take the oscar, blow kisses to the crowd and leave. The bad Saddam says ... Aw crap. Let's just blame the Americans and send Shi'ites to the shredder for old times' sake?

"Woooo! You are one good-lookin' judge, yesiree!... Now, I'm not gay or anything, but you sir, are one handsome fella!... You know, I saw your robe open up just a little bit when you came out here and WHOA!... Well, let's just say now I know why they call you the 'hangin' judge'!

Best of Occasional Reader
"Now, you all may be wondering why I brought my Collector's Edition of The Hobbit to the trial today..."

Source: FoxNews

46 comments:

Submariner said...

In a surprise move, Saddam seats his counsel and opens for himself with a Billy Joel impersonation:
You may be right; I may be crazy. But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for..."

Submariner said...

"State your name for the record..."

"Bond. James Bond. No? Wouldja believe John Doe?"

Vonski said...

"I can't believe you are putting this silly war atrocities trial ahead of my malpractice lawsuit against my eyebrow sculptor - It's an outrage!"

Vonski said...

"Oh, you like my pocket square? Thanks! Actually, it's a pair of panties Cindy Sheehan wore once and sent to me as a show of 'solidarity'."

jeanne said...

If Little Miss Muffet can kill Kurds, why can't I?

Divine Miss M said...

"We pledge we will be relentless in our pursuit of justice in Riverside!"

AM42 said...

Do not believe what Condi said, it's at least this big!

AM42 said...

"I am not going to pay a lot for this muffler!"

bubbalove said...

..and then I convinced Satan that I had changed and the fool had sex with me again! Hahahaaa! And and the one kid's head was this big around I swear! HAHAHAHAAA! And then..and then Kenny got killed!! HAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAA

Submariner said...

Susquehanna Hat Company? Does it look like my defense team supports hat companies in the great satan?

Submariner said...

So then I grabbed Usay by his carotid and squeezed off the blood supply to his brain for about 5 or 6 minutes. Ah... the great times we had!

Submariner said...

Crimes against humanity? Surely you jest? I only had Kurds, Jews and Americans killed; no humanity there!

Submariner said...

Why yes, I have converted to your false religion. And I sent a request for pardon to junior bush, too.

Submariner said...

I move for a change of venue to Massachussetts. After Chappaquiddick, Teddy Kennedy will surely be more understanding over they way the press portrayed my little indiscretions...

Submariner said...

ORA

Get me Keanu Reeves...

joyce said...

"I must protest...the American dogs only gave me enough hair dye to cover my head. But what about my BEARD? What about my BEARD!!!!"

Cybrludite said...

Saddam: Ok, which one of my defense lawyers just goosed me? I want him shot immediately!

Son Of The Godfather said...

(OK, I have to do it)

"Ladies and gentlemen of the supposed jury, I have one final thing I want you to consider: this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk, but Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now, think about that. That does not make sense!
Why would a Wookiee -- an eight foot tall Wookiee -- want to live on Endor with a bunch of two foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense!
But more importantly, you have to ask yourself: what does that have to do with this case? (calmly) Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense!
Look at me, I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca. Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense. None of this makes sense.
And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberating and conjugating the Emancipation Proclamation... does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense.
If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests."

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Your Honor, I have done nothing wrong. Ted Turner himself has said that Iraq was better with me in charge... We present as evidence, this Michael Moore clip of Iraqi children flying kites."

Son Of The Godfather said...

"By Allah, you must not execute me! I just found out that this Armani suit gets all the chicks!"

Son Of The Godfather said...

"I request that the press not publish or manipulate private notes I write to my counsel... including requests to go pee-pee."

Son Of The Godfather said...

ORA:
"Did you order the Code Red?"

Son Of The Godfather said...

"...then I carefully proceeded through the stop after checking for cross-traffic. Seriously, judge, I don't need another point on my license... Is traffic school an option?"

Son Of The Godfather said...

I can just make out the writing on that book... what does "Necronomicon" mean?

Son Of The Godfather said...

I say "GUILTY!"... And that's just for the evil looking SOB to his right.

Submariner said...

ORA

I have two sides fighting within me. The good Saddam says take the oscar, blow kisses to the crowd and leave. The bad Saddam says ...

Aw crap. Let's just blame the Americans and send Shi'ites to the shredder for old times' sake?

(good to have you back SOTG)

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Put Edwina back-in-bowl?"

(thanks Sub! Sometimes the bastages make me do actual work here ;)

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Woooo! You are one good-lookin' judge, yesiree!... Now, I'm not gay or anything, but you sir, are one handsome fella!... You know, I saw your robe open up just a little bit when you came out here and WHOA!... Well, let's just say now I know why they call you the 'hangin' judge'! Yup, you're a comely sort of gentleman, can I say that? Man, those are some great shoes ya got there! Hey, where did you get your hair styled at, cuz that is quite a rugged, manly look you have! You must have NO problems with the ladies, Am I right? heh heh... Yup, no doubt about it, you're a looker..."

Son Of The Godfather said...

"You have violated my rights by keeping me from the Cindy Sheehan book signing!"

Submariner said...

Futhermore, you have insulted me by making me shi-ite in a common porcelain toilet and we all know that porcelai comes from the french word for "little pig." I therefore DEMAND solid gold as befits my status as King of the Persian Empire...

Submariner said...

Judge? What does this mean - "STFD and STFU?"

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Everything I have said here is the truth. Bring in my two sons... they'll back me up!"

Son Of The Godfather said...

How long before the ACLU claimes this pig-f*cker wasn't Mirandized properly?

Son Of The Godfather said...

ORA:
"There's money in the banana stand."

Son Of The Godfather said...

Lemmiwinks chooses an inappropriate moment to "tunnel onward".

Son Of The Godfather said...

Things to do when you're bored:
Scroll your mouse over the picture and there's a little hand icon... Now you are free to pick Saddam's nose.

Son Of The Godfather said...

"What, an insane dictator can't get Cinemax in his cell?"

Submariner said...

Please add this to my list of complaints. I was only given two pebbles to wipe my *ss when sharia specifically demands three.

Submariner said...

shamelessly stolen from V. the K. a few pics back:

Deep Thought: If you feed a turkey nothing but bacon in his holding pen for a year, is he still Halal?

Submariner said...

Please send a couple of GI's for take-out; I have a hankering for Husky...

Submariner said...

Ha! I will have the last laugh. Even now, the Mongols are plotting my escape from your evil dictator, little bush.

sonicfrog said...

You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has Kurds. And those Kurds have to be killed by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Ali Al Adeeb? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the innocent Iraqi's and you curse the Baath party. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that two or three million innocent Iraqi deaths, while tragic, probably saved my dictatorship. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves the insurgency...You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me killing traitors. You need me killing traitors.
We use words like honor, code, loyalty...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent killing someone. You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the false freedom the U.S provide, then questions the manner in which I tried to provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and start shooting the occupiers. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

Occasional Reader said...

"Now, you all may be wondering why I brought my Collector's Edition of The Hobbit to the trial today..."

Submariner said...

We can start as soon as my entire defense team gets here from the bunker, your honor.

sonicfrog said...

"To Be, or Not to Be. That is the.... is the....". Oh f**k, what's my line?

Prough91 said...

I swear, the Americans made me eat a turd this big.