Friday, November 18, 2005

Hillary and the Love Pump

1. The EMT's made the mistake of saying, "Imagine this is your husband," whereupon Hillary began kicking the dummy in the chest and screaming "Die! You bastard! Die!'"

2. "He was fine until she offered him a lap dance."

3. Let's see, a female politician with presidential aspirations murders her own brother and six other people, and sends an innocent man to prison to cover up a massive campaign financing scam. Where *do* those writers on Prison Break get their ideas?

4. "Cool, just 1,998 Aztec sacrifices to go, and Quetzalcoatl will reward me with the Oval Office. Then, the blood will really start to flow."

5. "Speaking of flowing blood, anybody got a spare Tampax?"

6. Hillary's OCD would not be satisfied until every staffer's chest was buffed to a shine.

7. "Hold still, Neo, we'll have that bug out of you in a second."

8. "Bill says he wants you to position the pump 11 inches lower."

9. "Hey, if she thinks dry-humping the corpse of Abe Vigoda will give her powers over her enemies, who are we to argue?"

10. "Rosebud? Who the Hell is Rosebud? Oh, wait, he said 'Rose Law Firm.' Oops, while performing CPR I accidentally broke a rib and sent it into his heart."

A Roto-Reuters/Some Photographer Guy Photo tipped on The Corner

19 comments:

The Man said...

Vince Foster looked up, blinked, and realized he had no hope.

Submariner said...

Pardon me, Senator? Usually we don't do this while standing mid-calf deep in viscera...

Bubbalove said...

The new leader of House Harkonnen, Baronness Hillary Harkonnen, is seen here practicing installing her first heart plug.

Submariner said...

Hillary launched a novel, but lucrative technique for '08 fund-raising; she flashes the mark, and then waits to apply the emergency defib equipment until the "contribution" reaches a level she finds acceptable

Submariner said...

As she slowly exerted more and more pressure on the disk sander, Hillary kept muttering "Yes Bill, you WILL feel my pain..."

Submariner said...

Close enough for government work. Why don't you guys take a hike so Tina and I can really make the sparks fly?

lawhawk said...

You see, when you put your elbows into it, you can really make 'em hum.

Van Helsing said...

"People whose hearts stop at the thought of my presidency must be revived immediately. The dead may vote, but they don't pay enough taxes."

Renna said...

Hillary wasn't sure why, despite the fact that the "patient" was a dummy and had no real bodily fluids, the med techs insisted on still wearing protective gloves.

occasional reader said...

"This was a very interesting demonstration, thank you. So... what ELSE can you guys do with those latex gloves?", asked the Senator, as she quietly locked the door.

Chip said...

Hillary turned and gently reminded everyone "What's so goddam funny?!"

sonicfrog said...

OH MY GOD!! That BITCH just killed Steven Hawking....

No, Wait. He's OK. He's OK.

sonicfrog said...

OH MY GOD!!

You killed Kenny!

YOU BASTARD!!!!

Submariner said...

Easy, Hill: We weren't talking about you when we said "squeeze the old bag every 5 compressions..."

(Snicker, snicker)

Submariner said...

Hillary - in an icy hiss: "When I turn around, that had better be the dummy's hand that's smacking my ass every time I compress..."

Debbie scowling at Mike - "Oh I guarantee it's a DUMMY's hand!"

Submariner said...

What do you mean I "can't charge for the service?" If word gets out, there'll be a line of Democrats expecting free CPR every monring!

Submariner said...

OK, Senator; you have the technique down fairly well, but you really can't start out with "I am the god of hell-fire and I bid you to burn" everytime before starting the checklist.

DL said...

Hillary attempts to resucitate the only living man who believes she really is a conservative.

Submariner said...

With a buff - buff here,
and a buff - buff there,
and a couple of la-dee-da's.

That's how we while our time away
In the merry old oval affice...