Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Hurricane Survival Kit

Toilet Paper .... check

Bud Light.... check

Keystone Ice.... check

Budweiser.... check

Red Dog.... check

Misc. other bottles of alcohol.... check

Piece of plywood to float your old lady and booze on...check

1. I have a feeling that 'Any Time' was also her high school nickname.

2. "No, Cletus, I am not comforted by the good news that you saved a bunch of money on car insurance."

3. "All right, 'Noah,' you go ahead and finish loading up the 'Ark' with two of every kind of beer."

4. "It wasn't me!"

5. "Damn it, Cletus, how can I get that hot National Guardsman to notice me if you keep 'coming up for air.' Bitch, bitch, bitch."

6. Someone should tell maintenance the rink's thermostat needs to be adjusted.

7. "Shield your eyes, honey. Shelley Winter's bloated corpse is floating by.

8. "Lurleen, cut the 'A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets...' crap and pop me another beer."

9. "Hell of a time to be water-soluble, ain't it, Cletus?"

10. "See? Farakhan was right! George Bush wants us dead."

11. "Why do they keep sayin' on the radio that the dike failed? I got my GED!"

12. "Did'ja hear how gran'ma kept screaming as she was swept away? That was kinda cool."

19 comments:

Submariner said...

But nooooooooo, you HAD to have an in-ground pool...

Submariner said...

2nd floor - barbecues, riding mowers and beach apparel.

Submariner said...

Ya gotta wonder how he makes it look like he's wading in water that deep when the canoe paddles hit the street on every stroke?

Submariner said...

Remember what she said, Cletus. "Keep your hand at the level of your eyes..."

Submariner said...

Morose voice coming from the porch: "I could calculate your odds of survival, but you wouldn't like them..."

Submariner said...

Naw, Erlene, that canoe don't do it fer me. I'll get me an inflatable doll down on Bourbon St.

Submariner said...

So when do you think that application for benefits you stuck in THAT mailbox will get picked up?


Funny - the "verification word" was alluh and it was rejected. Coincidence? I think NOT.

Submariner said...

"Dammit, Beau. Why does Andrew Sullivan keep hittin' on you and not me? What in the hell have YOU got that I ain't?"
"sack..."

Submariner said...

Ya know, Darla? This seein' eye dog don't seem to be helping me a bit. We should'a just left it with that old cripple.

Submariner said...

Bubba? Just kinda s'posing out loud... With the water and all, d'ya think that there's more openings than girls? Then they'd hire me as a dancer down on Bourbon St at the Crazt Horse and I could make enough for that El Camino you want?

Divine Miss M said...

Baby, I'm a man of my word, didn't I promise to take you on the cruise as soon as my parole was up?

bubbalove said...

"I call it 'Cletus's Ark 'cuz two by two the beers floated to me.."

or

"Hey there officers! Will y'all take care of this important stuff while I go back and get the kids!?"

ColoradoPatriot said...

Enus really wasn't kidding when, after meeting Larry the Cable Guy, he swore, "I'll never wash this hand again."

Submariner said...

Jeff Foxworthy would be proud. And all he'd say is "They say a picture's worth a thousand words - you might be a redneck if..."

Submariner said...

"Ooo-eee!
Ooo-eee, baby;
Ooo-eee!
Ooo-eee, baby;
Won't you let me take you on a
Scenic Cruise?"

Van Helsing said...

Discount Carnival Cruises can now be arranged for as little as $10 a day.

AM42 said...

Yup, you heard me right... it's five bucks for any item on the raft. Five bucks.

lawhawk said...

That'll learn ya never to listen to Whiplash Nagin again.

Cybrludite said...

Hell, add a set of bolt-ons to the skank on the plank & she'd fit right in at most French Quarter strip clubs.