Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Girl, 8, Capped His Sorry Bear Ass

1. "I'd love to show you what I did to the corpses of Momma and Baby Bear, but it's just too disturbing."

2. "Hey! What would you do if the f**ker ate your cat?"

3. "I offer this sacrifice to the glory of Baal! Hail, Baal!"

4. "Wait 'til you see tha adorable little outfit I'm going to make from his hollowed-out carcass!"

5. "Well, the Asian gall bladder market has been sliding ever since Viagra came along, but this should at least be good for an iPod."

6. "I'm gonna have him stuffed and mounted... try making something dirty out of that you captioning sickos."

7. "You were right, daddy. Killin' bears is better than sex."

8. "Next, I intend to hunt the most dangerous prey of all... man!"

9. "I also wasted his little buddy, and then I ate the contents of their pick-a-nick basket."

10. "It was big, it was hairy, it was loud, and it was rooting around in our garbage. I thought I was shooting Al Gore."

Best o' Son Of The Godfather
"That'll teach those Berenstains not to f*ck with us!"

"Fine... PETA doesn't want me to sell Bo-Bo to the circus?... Problem solved."

"Well, I can honestly report that when you're chasing it down the creek with armor-piercing rounds, a bear DOES indeed sh*t in the woods."

Goldilock's sister: "The first round was too high. The second was too low... But the third one was just right."

Just tell your little sister you forgot to pick up the bear medicine for Bo-Bo because you were stoned. She'll understand.

Little known alternate ending to The Jungle Book includes an unfortunate encounter between Baloo and Amy Fisher.

"The last thing I heard him say was something about how only I could prevent forest fires. I don't need no condescending lecture from a stinkin' bear."

"And now, I will recreate the planet Hoth 'survival scene' from The Empire Strikes Back using the unfortunate Bo-Bo here as the tan-tan."

"That's a good thing ya done that to your little brother, Sierra... A REAL good thing! Now wish it into the cornfield."

Isn't wearing a big, flourescent-orange safety jacket over camoflage apparel a bit like trying to whack-it to a picture of Hillary? One kind of negates the other...


Best o' Submariner

"Nothin'. Kickin' back, cappin a bruin, having a Bud... You?"

Coming from a long line of USC grads, Tiffany was heard to mutter "UCLA undefeated my *ss!"

"Sometimes? When I kill, I can't help myself. I tuck my thumbs like this, stick my hands in my lap, and..."

If your sister takes opening day of every hunting season off from school as a holiday...you might be a redneck!

Pooh's last thought was, "Oh, bother! I knew I should have visited Paddington today..."*

* He was a bear of little brain, but they still made an awesome splatter pattern. - Ed.

Story from: Washington Post

50 comments:

Son Of The Godfather said...

"That'll teach those Berenstains not to f*ck with us!"

Son Of The Godfather said...

"I was actually trying to save some stoner who was late to his gramma's dinner, but I was too late."

Son Of The Godfather said...

"So he says to me 'hey little girl, would you say this porridge is too hot, or too cold?'... So I answered with a couple of rounds from my thirthy-aught-six."

Son Of The Godfather said...

Little girl lugging that monster home must have been a bear!

Son Of The Godfather said...

The real reason "BJ and the Bear" was cancelled.

(There were additional problems with a show simply titled "BJ")

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Fine... PETA doesn't want me to sell Bo-Bo to the circus?... Problem solved."

Son Of The Godfather said...

Disney's Old Yeller sequel, Old Brownie didn't end happily either.

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Fair is fair. Eat my little brother, I put a cap in your ass. Word."

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Well, I can honestly report that when you're chasing it down the creek with armor-piercing rounds, a bear DOES indeed sh*t in the woods."

Son Of The Godfather said...

Goldilock's sister: "The first round was too high. The second was too low... But the third one was just right."

Son Of The Godfather said...

Her E-Harmony profile would eventually match her to an orange-haired kid in a pumpkin shirt.

Son Of The Godfather said...

Holy shnikes, Maryland's got some hella-big rats!

Son Of The Godfather said...

There were copyright infringement problems when Sierra tried to publish her story under the title "Bearly Legal".

Son Of The Godfather said...

Just tell your little sister you forgot to pick up the bear medicine for Bo-Bo because you were stoned. She'll understand.

Son Of The Godfather said...

Little known alternate ending to The Jungle Book includes an unfortunate encounter between Baloo and Amy Fisher.

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Take THAT, Sexual-Harassment-Panda!"

Submariner said...

"Nothin'. Kickin' back, cappin a bruin, having a Bud... You?"

Submariner said...

Margaret obviously misunderstood what her daddy meant when he said "It'll take killing a couple of Bruins for the Canadiens to regain their rightful spot at the top of hockeydom, ay?"

Submariner said...

Coming from a long line of USC grads, Tiffany was heard to mutter "UCLA undefeated my *ss!"

Son Of The Godfather said...

"The last thing I heard him say was something about how only I could prevent forest fires. I don't need no condescending lecture from a stinkin' bear."

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Remember Sierra, we always eat whatever we kill. Here's a spoon and some Parmesan."

(mornin', Sub!)

Submariner said...

It was at that fateful moment that Ted Kaczynski realized he had found his ideal woman.

Submariner said...

Mary Katherine looked at her father sheepishly, "Sure and I be sorry fer killin' the bear father, but I was certain 'twas a Catholic..."

Son Of The Godfather said...

"And now, I will recreate the planet Hoth 'survival scene' from The Empire Strikes Back using the unfortunate Bo-Bo here as the tan-tan."

Submariner said...

Sometimes? When I kill, I can't help myself. I tuck my thumbs like this, stick my hands in my lap, and...

(back atcha SOTG - loved the Goldilocks' sister one.)

Whoopsie-Daisey said...

When I couldn't train Bo Bo to "lick the honey" I figured, What the hell..."

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Ah, he ain't dead, but he'll wish he was when Ma sees the still!"

Son Of The Godfather said...

SOTG and Ann Coulter's daughter: 1
Bear: 0

Submariner said...

If your sister takes opening day of every hunting season off from school as a holiday,

...you might be a redneck!

Van Helsing said...

"Nobody tells me how to manage my campfire."

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Whaddya want? The bastard duct taped me to a wall!"

Submariner said...

Naw, I just stunned him. I plan on shaving him, wrapping him in a Super Deluxe Depends and putting him on the Sumo circuit.

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Orange ya glad I didn't say 'banana'?"

Submariner said...

What can I say? I live in upstate New York and I'm just practicing for the Democratic primaries in '08...

Submariner said...

Pooh's last thought was, "Oh, bother! I knew I should have visited Paddington today..."

bubbalove said...

As the last spark of supernatural life left its body, the hairy beast groaned and morphed back into human form. And thusly was Hillary's regular disappearances into the wilds of New England explained.

SOTG: 'armor-piercing rounds' LMAO! That one is great!

Son Of The Godfather said...

When they sliced him open, their worst fears were confirmed... Gooey pieces of torn, blue flesh proved that this was indeed the predator at Smurf-scout campground.

(Dammit, Sub, you scooped me on the Pooh Bear ref! Nice!)

Son Of The Godfather said...

"That's a good thing ya done that to your little brother, Sierra... A REAL good thing! Now wish it into the cornfield."

(thanks, Bubba! mornin')

Son Of The Godfather said...

Extremely liberal marrying laws there in Maryland, wouldn't you say?

Son Of The Godfather said...

Isn't wearing a big, flourescent-orange safety jacket over camoflage apparel a bit like trying to whack-it to a picture of Hillary? One kind of negates the other...

Submariner said...

Ashleigh demonstrates the proper technique for a Maryland shotgun wedding...

Submariner said...

Not so damned cute without your blue hat and red slicker, are you Paddington?

(SOTG - thanks, but hitting the ref before you should be considered fairplay. You've done it to me dozens of times.)

ColoradoPatriot said...

Andrew Sullivan, on the other hand, a different kind of 'bear hunter'.

Son Of The Godfather said...

Submariner,
Absolutely it's bear splayed... err... "fair play". ;)

Jonathan said...

Bubba Ray didn't have the heart to tell his colorblind daughter that it wasn't a polar bear she killed.

Anonymous said...

"Yeah, I went out loaded for ...well, you know..."

Anonymous said...

"Blew his shit away..."

Anonymous said...

Ed Asner never saw it coming.

Anonymous said...

"I smoked him as he rode by on his unicycle. Sorry. Why didn't anyone tell me the circus was in town?"

Son Of The Godfather said...

And, because I can't leave it at just 49 captions:
"Actually, I was aiming at a mime in some Escher-esque landscape."