Friday, September 09, 2005

Stereophonic Baby Torture

1. "Alpha children wear grey. They work much harder than we do, because they're so frightfully clever. I'm awfully glad I'm a Beta... Ending is better than mending, the more stitches, the less riches..."

2. The clone Beatles were eventually broken up by the clone Yoko Ono.

3."Dude, you are like, so right. Dark Side of the Moon totally synchs up with The Wizard of Oz."

4. "Hey! Our necks are too underdeveloped to head bang!"

5. "I have to agree, George Clinton is the baddest muther-f**ker alive."

6. "Ah, I'm unconscious, passed out with an empty bottle next to me, and I have no bladder control. I feel like Ted kennedy."

7. "You know, I'm three weeks old, my eyes can't focus, and I know nothing of the outside world, but even I find Coldplay pretentious and derivative."

8. Jim Henson's Quadrophenia Babies.

9. Unfortunately, an absent-minded attendant flipped the switch and the babies ended up listening to a 24-hour Howard Stern marathon. They all grew up to be lesbian strippers.

10. "Oh, Jebus, they're playing 'N'Sync again. Where's Planned Parenthood when you need them?"

Real Caption

10 comments:

Jennifer said...

I like the Brave New World reference!!!

lawhawk said...

Baby on bottom right:

If no one can hear you pass gas, will they smell it?

Van Helsing said...

A recording of Nancy Pelosi speeches produced screaming and convulsions, but the Harry Reid recording sent them quickly to sleep.

carl said...

Dad took one look and said, "Houston, we have a problem!"

"Now none of them can hear the other one cry!" their exhausted mother said.

Seconds later they discovered that both mom and dad had sneaked out of the bedroom...

Just remember, one day they too will say, "Turn down that effing music!"

"Are you sure this is how Albert Einstein got started?"

AM42 said...

(soothing monotone voice)

"You are floating on a cloud. All is well. You are floating on a cloud. All is well..."

PLEASE TURN TAPE TO SIDE TWO.

"You are floating...

Divine Miss M said...

Hush little baby, don't say a word
And never mind that noise you heard!
It's just the beasts under your bed
In your closet, in your head!

Exit: light
Enter: night

bubbalove said...

The nursing staff had to group the babies together for protection and cover their sensitive ears when Hillary burst into the ward screaming like a banshee at the results of Bill's latest philandering.

Jane said...

"Thank goodness we can replace the sound of my mother's voice and my mother's heartbeat with some good old-fashioned technology. I'm one day old, and I've learned that people are only people, but an iPod is forever..."

Jonathan said...

Miss M, thanks for the Metallica reference! :)

Jonathan said...

"Hey, if Earl Woods can stick a golf club in his two-year-old's hands to make him the greatest golfer in the world, then by God, I can get my kids ready to be the next big 'Boy Band'!"