1. "I can't believe that shoe salesman wouldn't shut up about the time he scored four touchdowns in his last game for Polk High."
2. She used to have a navel piercing, but the sparks it created by dragging on the pavement ignited too many grass fires.
3. "Mmmmmmm.... brains."
4. "No War for Oil, War for Twinkies, Okay."
5. Ted Kennedy's scheme to attend the Anti-War Rally incognito was spoiled when he was mistaken for a giant, papier-mache puppethead.
6. Jacques Cousteau narration: "Patiently, ze giant pink land whale stalks its prey."
7. She says she's retaining water. We better hope that levee of cellulite holds or DC is gonna get Katrina'd.
8. People who shop Navy Surplus for sexual appliances, next on Springer.
9. "Dammit, where are Tyrone and LeRoy with my lunch!"
10. Now I understand where Move-On got its figure of 300,000 protesters; they weighed her.
11. The woman Hillary stands next to when she wants to look thinner.
12. The woman the planet Jupiter stands next to when it wants to look thinner.
From Van Helsing