Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Blogs4Bauer Challenge

I was challenged by Blogs4Bauer-dot-com to write a scenario related to the addition of Sean Astin (Sam from LOTR) to the cast of '24.' My scenario is based on Sean Astin's character in the movie '50 First Dates,' and incorporates elements of the movies 'Orgazmo' and 'Agent For HARM.' Join us, won't you?

JACK BAUER's new partner, STUART OGAMO (Sean Astin) -- a Mormon with an addiction to anabolic steroids and a severe lisp -- has infiltrated the headquarters of the mysterious terror king known only as NEUTERED MAN. However, his cover has been blown by Karl Rove in revenge for his wife taking up Rove's white house parking space. NEUTERED MAN sends two seductive agents to find out what OGAMO knows, and then kill him. CHLOE O'BRIAN (a.k.a. POTATO FACE) hacks into a Spice Channel satellite to monitor the action as the twin agents (MARK KATE and ASHLEY OLSON) move in on Ogamo as he lies in a dimly lit motel room bed.

NARRATOR
The following takes place between 2:00 am and 3:00 AM

MARY KATE AND ASHLEY
We're the ass-f*ck twins.

OGAMO
I can't thay that. Can I call you thomething elthe?

MARY KATE AND ASHLEY
But we're the Ass f-ck Twins.

OGAMO
Couldn't I call you the Naughty Twins or thomething?

MARY KATE OLSON
No, you *couldn't* just call us the Naughty Twins.

ASHLEY OLSON
Why would you call us The Naughty Twins when we get f-cked in the ass all the time?

OGAMO
Well, that'th pretty naughty.

The girls move in on him and began rubbing his body, licking his face.

OGAMO
Why doeth your breath thmell like Ipecac?

MARY KATE OLSON
There is no escaping us, Ogamo

ASLEY OLSON
Prepare to meet your doom.

OGAMO
Thith ith jutht like that wet dream I had last night.

Cut to: CTU, INTERIOR, NIGHT

CTU DIRECTOR MICHAEL BROWN
I'm putting a stop to this. Send in the ponies and the trained equestrians.

JACK BAUER (hushed, into cell phone)
It's the wrong play. The wrong play. Dammit, doesn't this guy know what he's doing?

CTU DIRECTOR MICHAEL BROWN (overhearing)
Jack, you're on thin ice here. I could have you horse-whipped.And bring me some pie.

JACK BAUER
Damn it, Michael. You think this is all there is to America? Apple pie and all that jazz? Well it's my job to keep the pie on the table and no-one questions how I do it.

6 comments:

AM42 said...

LMAO! Nice work V the K!


Now bring me some pie.

fatman said...

Now whenever I fantasize about a threesome with the Olson Twins, I'll picture Sean Penn in the drivers seat.

Thanks a lot, pal:(

fatman said...

Oops. I meant Sean ASTIN. (D'oh)

The Man said...

You had me at "Olson Twins"

V the K said...

You know, just as an aside, it's really disturbing how so many men have waited so long for the Olson twins to turn 18.

fatman said...

Well, at least we did wait.