Monday, August 15, 2005
That's One Ugly Frackin' Dog
1. "He's hideous, he drinks from the toilet, he pees on the sofa, and he whines all the time. But enough about Michael Moore, what do you think of my ugly-ass dog?"
2. "If his condition is natural, why is he so terrified of the deep fryer?"
3. "He was a lot prettier before the kids put him in that Indian burial ground."
4. "We did shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards, but it didn't help."
5. This year's hottest new pet: Chenobyl Puppies!!
6. "Hey, kids, look what we brought you back from the gates of Hell!"
7. This abomination unto the Lord resulted from mating a purebred lhasa apso with Helen Thomas.
8. Ted Kennedy has a dog named 'Splash.' In a similarly ironic twist, Cher has a dog named 'Horrible Plastic Surgery Disaster.'
9. "Oh, stop your whining. I'll Heimlich him, and when he barfs up your ear, we'll take it to the hospital and get it sewn back on."
10. "Plus which, I've managed to drive all the Hispanics out of the neighborhood by convincing them that he's a chupacabra."